About me...

As you all know by now,  I'm having a bit of a time with all of the stress of my sister and my Hubs retiring due to a layoff.  You have followed me through a heart attack scare, a stress test, diverticulitis, not sleeping, unbearable pain,  just to name a few of the things I've been dealing with.  The worst symptom is feeling like I am going to loose it and have a panic attack. This has been going on for 2 1/2 months.  I felt like I couldn't breath, swallow, relax. Nothing taste right, I felt nauseous, and a lot of other symptoms.  I have been a mess.

I've had little results from my family doctor, he doesn't think I am depressed even though I think I am, and have told him so, he refuses to change my medicine.  It finally occurred to me that I am in charge of my own well being.  I don't have to stay with a doctor that won't listen to me or try to help.

This change all started with how lonely I am most days.  I am a very social person.  I decided to join  my garden club in my former town.  I've been going for two months and it was one of the best things I have done for myself. I really missed all of my friends and they missed me.  I have returned to church, which feels good. 

I can finally see again because I got new glasses.  I have been so worried about insurance. We purchased one insurance only to find that it was not what it represented, so we cancelled.  Then we tried Cobra, all sounds good until they want three months of  of back premiums.  Good grief, insurance is such a ripoff.  Needless to say we cancelled Cobra.  Back to the search for reasonable insurance.  Of course Diabetes is not covered. Neither are most of my illnesses due to a pre-exhisting conditions.  Thankfully, our local pharmacy gives us a reasonable price for our meds.  The PA's visit is also reasonable. 

I am so tired of the medical system ripping me off.  I can't believe how much specialists charge.  Today, I went back to our local clinic and saw a new PA, Carson.  She sat and listened to me for a long time.  After explaining all that I had been through, she changed some medicines and added celexa back.  We had a good talk about everything.  I won't go into all of the details, but she listened to me.  She understands my situation with insurance. Hubs goes on Medicare next February, but I have a couple of years til I qualify. 

So for the first time in a while, I feel hopeful.  I have to tell you that it is a good feeling.

Same song, fifth verse

Candy is back in the hospital again.  The wreck not only totaled her car, but totaled her body as well.  She is in a lot of pain from her neck to her back.  She has asked to be back in the geriatic behavior unit.

On a good note...she is not driving.  Her son told her not to drive anymore.  He printed out the police report and showed her.  He gave her a choice of not driving or have the judge pull her liscense. 

As for me, I have taken a break from all of her troubles.  I pray she gets the help she needs.

Life is an ironic

When I was younger, and we still had kids at home, it seemed like there was never enough time for myself and especially time to do the things I wanted to do.  Things I always imagined myself doing after I slowed down a bit or after I retired.  I have often said I want to paint again at least something besides an interior wall. The irony of life is when you are busy all the time, you have great ideas, but no time and when you have the time, you have no ideas. In my case, I have the time, but I've lost the desire to finally do the things I always wanted to do like painting and being creative.  I sure hope I get it all back before life passes me by.  I'm working on it.  Trying desperately to get motivated again.

I think every time I get sick it brings me down. So my question to you...is what do you do to keep motivated?  The best advice I can give anyone is do the things you love when you are young.  Make the time for those dreams, the things that you are passionate about doing.  Don't wait.

I have a hard time sitting still for a long period of time.  One of the reasons I never learned to crochet is because I can't be still long enough.  Remember those cute little felt stockings with all the sequins?  I did one stocking for every member of our oldest son's family.  I even helped my best friend out by finishing one of her grand kid's stocking.  That was about five years ago when I was still busy with work and life.  Fast forward to now.  So instead of oil painting or water colors, I am doing a stocking for our youngest son.  He is a fireman and soon to be para medic.  I found the cutest fireman Santa with a Dalmatian dog on it.  He is not married yet, so I'll just start one or two for his future. I do enjoy having something quick to do especially in the winter months.  Maybe that is a start.

Retirement is not at all what I thought it would be.  In fact, some days are so long. I run out of things to clean, organize and do before the day is even over.  I have always been so busy all of my life with my family, work, church, friends and home that I never imagined a day where I would have all the time to do what I wanted. It is daunting to get up and do the same thing over and over again.  I mean...how many times can you clean house, then there's the days when I don't feel good and get very little down.  I think I have to constantly achieve something everyday in order to be successful.

Do you ever feel that way?  Maybe it's just me being too hard on myself.  Still, I thought I would ask the question. For those of you that are retired, how did you slow down? I'm feeling a bit lost with too much time on my hand.  My darling Hubs is always working on a project.  He seems so content.  He is productive.  Looking back, I see that I always gave everything I had to everyone else,but myself.  I am going to start working on it again and again until I achieve something I want to do for myself.

Letting go of the stress is easier said than done, but after this week... it's looking better and better.

I've been reluctant to post much as of late because I figure if I am this sick of hearing all about my sister's problems, then you may be too.  I have to say things have changed some for Candy. I am excited to say that she has sold her home to a man that flips homes.  It is awesome to report good news for a change. She thought she found a place near her son's home, but that didn't work out. 

Through the years, I kept telling Candy that her ship would come in someday.  Her reply was "It will probably be rotten".  Just have to keep a lot of faith. I think she believes it now.  The next step is to get her into a home near her son and his wife.  Her health is doing better. She signed up for her Medicare part D and has her prescriptions covered.  Someone wants to buy her antiques, which will help her even more since a new place will not have enough room for most of her things.  Thank you to all that kept us in your prayers.  You will never know how much it was appreciated. 

After my last post about Candy's problems, I really needed to take a break from them.  Of course, my kind of break and a real break are nothing alike. Looks like Hubs will retire earlier than he thought.   He wanted to work until he was seventy, but the company offered a severance package and he decided to accept it.  He is sixty-four years old.  A little tiny bit of information... our local pharmacy fills our prescriptions for a lot less than our insurance company.  Why am I only finding this out now?

Hubs has been drilling a water well for our garden and our yard.  I like that he always has some sort of project going on.  It's not necessarily any of my projects right now.  I'm thinking about painting the inside of our home.  It's not something I relish, but I do know how to paint.  Maybe in the fall.

I had a nuclear stress test this morning.  I kept thinking I might be having a heart attack, so after an inconclusive visit to the E.R., my family doctor scheduled me for a visit to a heart doctor.  I am proof positive that stress will sucker punch me in my gut every time.   Oops... they forgot to tell me more about this test...like the part where if you are claustrophobic...then you might want to have a sedative for the next step.  There are just things that people forget to tell you.  I survived only to get sick when I got home.  Probably from not eating during the long period of testing time.  Diabetes does not like to be ignored. 

So there you have it.  Even with all of this happening, I am so very blessed even in difficult times. 

What a week!

I picked up my sister on Monday.  She is having trouble staying awake in the car.  She has recently started sleep talking.  I don't really know what to call it, but she naps and talks at the same time.  She really thinks these thoughts are true. It's sorta creepy.  I have learned to turn the music up so I don't have to listen to her mumbling talk.  It is hard to carry on a conversation with her when she drifts in and out of sleep.

She is very confused.  Someone called her from the hospital and she thought they moved her cardiology appointment to the next day.  You can see where this is going.  We went to the hospital the next day to cardiology and of course there was no appointment. She does this sort of thing a lot.  Instead...we went to lunch and had a nice time out.  That day, I bought her a three ring binder and clear page protectors and organized her many bags of papers.  I  hope this will help her to stay on top of things.

That night she did her clean out for her endoscopy and colonscopy.  She acted strange.  She made no sense at all.  I stayed up with her as late as I could to make sure she didn't eat anything.  I went to sleep about three only to have her knock on our bedroom door.  She was looking for her ex-husband. The next knock she needed her medicine. Three more knocks before the night was over.  Same kind of weird things she needed.  At one point, she wanted her other sister, Pam.  I said "I'm right here". She repeated the same thing "I want my other sister, Pam".  It was a long night.

I ask her if I could look at her medicines.  I felt like she did not need to self medicate, so she gave me her meds.  Her meds were a mess.  Some loose in the ziplock bag and some missing lids.  I organized her meds.  As I started counting her meds, I found out that she had taken nearly all of her pain meds and her muscle relaxant.  She filled these less than ten days ago.  It's a wonder she did not die from all of those meds.  I called her son and confirmed what we had thought.  Either she didn't know that she was overdosing or she did know.  It doesn't matter because from now on she will have one of us give her medicine to her.   All the while...she didn't remember anything.

The next day we showed up at 8:30 for her tests.  They didn't get to her until 3:00 pm.  They forgot about her.  How I don't know because there were about six or seven people on gurneys in the hall way. I went to get lunch at noon only to find out that they needed me to sign her release because she didn't understand the side effects and risks of the procedures.  I think someone got their wires crossed.  I had to cancel her cardiology appointment.  Her results were that she has Barret's esophagus which they did a culture of.  We made it home and she went to sleep.

Thursday, she woke up almost her old self.  What a difference. Back we go to the hospital to try to get her meds.  Just when I thought all hope was gone.  It wasn't a waste of time because we were able to get to see a doctor about her meds.  Thankfully, this doctor listened to what I said about her behaviour and all of her falls.  Now she has fallen about ten times.  He said the next time she fell to go to the ER and get her head ex-rayed.  He was adament about her this.

The doctor said she should not live alone.  Of course we know that but I think it really sunk in to Candy,,,finally.  Thank you, Lord.  I know it must be hard to relinquish your control to another person.  It is for the best.  She has agreed to let her son have power of attorney and a durable power of attorney in case she can not make her own medical decisions.

I think she is coming around to all of the new decisions she is facing.  While she was here for the week, her DIL started cleaning and pitching things at her home.  Candy was good with all that she had done.  We went to lunch at our favorite seafood place, The Mohawk and ate a delicious lunch of shrimp.  This place is as good as it was forty years ago when we were in college.  Brings back some nice memories of Hubs and me dating years ago.

Saturday, I take her to her son's house, talk with them about her needs and give her son her meds. I give her DIL a list of things that must be handled immediately.  DIL is the one that gets it done.  I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that she is in good hands.   I visit a minute with my great niece and nephew, give them all hugs and I leave.  That night, Candy had a sleep study.  Her son will drive her and pick her up.  It is Sunday morning and I haven't heard from her yet.  So I wait, something I have become good at.  Got to go now.

Summertime

Just be still while I try to take your picture.

Nope their not having any of it.   

They are going into the water to get away from me. 

Thankfully, it has not been as hot as last summer.  I ran the weedeater this morning, watered the plants and took a few pictures of the yard.  I am sad to report that we lost all of our chickens to some critter that killed one or two at a time, eventually getting into the coup and killing the last two chickens.  It was very sad to have the chickens go that way.  We are down to two ducks.  We started lighting the pond at night and I guess that kept whatever ate the chickens away from the ducks.  Ducks and chickens are sometimes stubborn.

This is why the water is not staying in our pond.  Hubs and our neighbor, Mike dragged it out of the pond yesterday.  If you attach the next picture to this one, you'll see how big the tree was.

Just enough water for the ducks to swim
Barely.

Bruno is sitting right beside my computer as I type this.  In fact, Hot Dog, Stinky and Bruno follow me around the house.  The only one that doesn't always want to be with me is Baby, our Siamese cat.  She's independant like only a Siamese could be.  They're with me when I drink my coffee at the computer, when I eat breakfast, when I go to the bathroom, when I exercise, even when I go outside.  I guess it's nice to be needed.

Can you tell how much I love sunflowers?  They have to be one of my favorite summer flowers. 

And the bumble bees love them too.

My sister, Candy, has fallen three times with the last fall being in the tub.  She hit the back of her head on the tub.  Luckily, she did not bust her head wide open.  Her son came and took her to his home for ten days or so.  It wasn't easy, but she did get better.  So home she went only to go down again.  She doesn't take care of herself when she lives alone.  I don't know what is going to happen to her. Her son says she will have to go into a nursing home or something like that. We both agree that she can't stay home alone.  She doesn't need to drive either because the last time she drove at night she ran off the side of the road and busted two tires and the rims. Even Candy agrees that she doesn't need to drive at night. 

Her son and I are trying to figure out why she goes from totally confused at times to attentative.  It is confusing to never know what she will be like.  He thinks she is taking too much medicine.  We wonder if she might not remember when she took it, and maybe she takes it again.  I have to remember that she is an addict.  She is a recovering alcholic. And has a hard time with anything.  She seems to go overboard in all situations.  You know...if one is good then two will be better.  She has grandeous ideas.  That is the bi-polar talking.  She can be deceptive as well.  Of course all of this makes sense to her. 

I'm thinking that if she is in a nursing home or even an assitted living, then she can't over dose herself with her medications, especially, her pain meds.  She reminds me so much of how our mother acted.  Our mother did eventually get better later in life.  I just wish Candy would get better.

I am trying not to worry so much about her.  No one has talked with her in a couple of days.  She is not answering her phone, so I called her DIL to see if they had heard from her.  They went last night and picked her up to come and spend the night with them. 

Last week, Candy ask me if I would come and get her, then take her to her doctor's appointment.  She usually drives herself from her home to my home and then I drive her to her doctor.  I'm glad she is not going to drive.  It is about a two hour drive.  I'm going tomorrow to pick her up.  We'll stop and see our youngest son, Hunter, and go to lunch with him.  It's about half way and a good place to stop for Candy.

I'm thinking of flying to see our oldest son and his family.  I haven't seen their new home.  My granddaughter's birthday is at the end of the month.  Hopefully, I can figure out when's the best time to go.  Next week, Hubs is having some heart test run on him.  He has been having a flutter and feeling light headed.  I'm sure he will be fine.  He just needs to loose weight.

Speaking of weight, I am ready for my next weight challenge.  I want to loose 28 pounds before Nov.  Surely, I can loose 7 pounds a month?  I calculated the amount of time I must exercise everyday and how much I must reduce my caloric intake to figure the weight loss.  I'm giving myself a little extra time because I seem to loose then gain weekly.  I figure it is mostly exercise.  At any rate, I should loose two pounds a week.  So wish me luck. 

An update on my sister

Candy went to see her family doctor on Monday as well as starting back to therapy with a new therapist. They both have a plan for her. She is to stop all sugar, start eating three meals a day(sometimes she does not eat), make an appointment with a psychiatrist, start going to bed at 10:00, start exercising. She will also go to therapy twice a week and her family doctor started her on Cymbalta while titrating off of the Paxil.

That is a pretty big order for her to work on. She does sound hopeful. I told her to just take baby steps and that no one expects her to accomplish all of this at one time. Rather, this is a guide to her to improve her health. She also needs to stop smoking.

It is a huge relief to know that she wants to get better. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she takes steps to get her life back.

Candy, my sister

Candy came and stayed two days with us. I prayed that I would find a gentle way to bring up the subject. The first day she was not into talking about anything. She slept in late and when she was up she looked like a zombie. When she is like this it is hard to get her up as all she wants to do is sleep. I am pretty sure I know what is going on with her, but I need her to tell me. She went back to sleep in the late afternoon. I keep trying to get her up. This scares me to see her like this. It brings back a lot of memories from previous times she has been down and hospitalized.

On the afternoon of the second day, I started by asking her some more questions about herself. She is not one that shares much with others even me. As I kept asking her questions, she finally said "What are you my therapist?" I said "No, I am your sister and I love you very much." She told me the exact things she knew I wanted to hear. Point one, two and three, but with no commitment in her voice. She is smart in that she knows what people want her to say. So, I probe a little deeper. She finally tells me that she feels worthless. She is depressed again. She knows she needs help, but has a hard time asking for it. This started when her dobberman, Carmen, had to be put down because of the breast cancer. I was afraid it would affect her this way.

I ask her "What can I do to help you?" This is not the first time or even the second time I have helped her. In fact, I can't even count the times, but I have no choice, but to help her any way I can. She is hesitant to even ask and says she hated to ask because of all the times we have hepled. I told her I will always help her. It is not a problem for me. She tells me that she needs help with her garage sale (she has been trying to do this for a while now). I say I will help.

I ask her to make a list of what she needs. She verbally tells me what she needs. Two and a half years ago, I gave her DIL my stove, refrigerator for her aunt and uncle's house that flooded. I had a working dishwasher which was supposed to be for Candy. I firmly believe in 'pay it forward'. We agreed that they would install the dishwasher. Well, you guessed it, they have not done so. When I ask them about it , the DIL shrugs her shoulders with a blank look for the answer.

Candy bought their old car a year ago. She needs the title to get her own insurance. DIL has not followed through with the title. She needs her yard mowed no one helps her. Her son is the first to help his wife's family. They are healthy and ten years younger than Candy. I don't understand why they won't help her. They say they want to help her, but never follow through. I just don't get it. They are the new Christians and yet they don't help their mother? I thought charity starts in the home first.

I explain to Candy that she needs to tell them what she needs. We practice a few times. I play her son. She is too nice when she speaks. I tell her to look me in the eyes and tell me (her son) what she needs. Candy promises that she will make that list for her son.

Candy is going to see her family doctor on Monday to see if she can get of Cymbalta for her pain. She is also going to her therapist that afternoon. She has asked for a new therapist. Hopefully, she will start feeling better and will open up in therapy. She is in so much pain that it debilitates her. So depressed that she sleeps all the time. I think if she weren't in so much pain she would be able to get better.

Now back to the dishwasher, I ask her to go to Lowe's and find one. Doc and I will pay for it and have it installed. That is one problem solved. On to the next, the garage sale. I told her I would buy her dishwasher if she would call Goodwill and have them come and get all of her stuff. It would be worth it not to have to deal with all of her stuff. And with all of the stuff left, I told her to make her third bedroom into a storage place. Just somewhere she can put all of her things until she is able to go through them. That way, she could keep the rest of her house in order. I know we are a long way off before this will happen.

This is where we are at right now. We have a plan. I hope all goes according to the plan. Right now I will wait and see. Yesterday, her best friend, Candy and I met for lunch in Shreveport, La. Her friend knows what is going on with her. I know she will keep Candy accountable. We had a lovely lunch togther. We promised to have lunch again in June, when Candy goes to LSU for her well check.

That is about it right now. Please keep her in your prayers. I am not sure where this will take us, but I feel it is a good start for now. Thank you so much for listenting.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you.
Be blessed.
Pam

My sister is coming to visit

My sister, Candy, is coming to visit me. Keep us in your prayers. I will be back after she leaves.

An aha moment

Today I made a huge break through in my therapy. It made me cry. Not much makes me cry, but today was the first time I cried in front of my therapist. What would make me cry?

It starts with my half sister, Sharon. Recently, she and I have reconnected. I really value her friendship. I want to protect that friendship as well. As a child, I did not get to have a loving family. There was no trust and I could never depend on my family. This is a basic need that every child should experience. I can not relate to having a father around. I don't even understand that sort of relationship. I see women who adore their dads and I am clueless as to what that must feel like. The life I knew was not like most families. I would not even know what a normal family was like. As far as I knew, our life was normal. That is really a joke when I think about it.

I didn't realize what I missed out on as a child. Yes, I knew things were different. Life was hard. Getting to know Sharon has been such a blessing. She is so kind and sweet to me. She doesn't have to be, but she is. I love her for that. I know she loves me, too. I want to protect that relationship. To safe guard it. It is precious to me. The thought of ever hurting her makes me sad.

Candy, my sister, remembers so much more about our life before our parents divorced. I have blocked out a lot of the pain. I guess it is a way to protect myself from the memories and from the ugly truth. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that my sister will tell her bad things about our dad to our half sister. I can't believe I would even suggest that she would do that, but I am afraid that she would. Sharon, our half sister feels great sorrow for what we went through. I can tell it bothers her. She is very compassionate.

We are more alike than my sister, Candy and I are. While Sharon says that Kenny, one of her brothers, is probably like Candy. They are both quite and retrospective while Sharon and I are eternal optimists and happy people. Sharon is very generous in spirit. She tells me that I am like our father. I like knowing that she can see some of the good traits in me that our father had.

What made my cry was the thought of Sharon ever being hurt. I don't want her to know anything bad about our father. She had him all of her life. It is bittersweet. She ask me did I ever wonder if momma and daddy had never divorced what our lives might have been like? Then she said she would not have been born if my parents had not divorced. It is bittersweet. I am thankful that she had a good childhood with two parents that loved her dearly. Something I will never understand what that feels like. It makes me really sad to have missed out on having a family.

Have you ever seen an orphaned kitty or puppy? The little kitten or puppy missed out on being fully loved, socialized and connected. I see that with this little kitten that we adopted. Her momma was trying to move the three little kittens as cats often do before their eyes are opened. My kitten was found in the shrubs and the other two kittens died. Her eyes were not even opened. A woman found this little kitten, she bottle fed it, loved it, but it was not the same as having her real momma. I see Baby, our little kitten, still trying to nurse on our comforter, she goes through the motions even when she is drinking water with her paws motioning on the floor like she is nursing. She is so pitiful. It pains me to see her like that. My other two cats have taken her under their wings. They have shown her things like how to play and catch things. She lacks in ways that most would not perceive or understand. I understand it all too well.

While others tried to love me I always felt incomplete. Seems like every time we got a new step dad that they didn't hang around very long. As a little child, there was no safety. No security...No one to trust. No one kept their promises. Disappointment one after the other is all I ever knew. It is hard to learn new things when you are guarded and expecting someone to hurt you, someone to leave you. Hardest of all was feeling like our father did not want us. Yep, this was all to normal for me and my sister.

Today, I realized...I don't even know if I can aptly describe it, but... Sharon loves me and does not have to love me. That is huge to have someone love me unconditionally. I never felt that before and it confused me at first...then it hit me. I am thankful for my half sister and I am so glad that she came into my life. I cherish her.

While I love my sister, Candy. Our past is sealed with sorrow, and pain. It is different having Sharon as a sister because she is well adjusted and was loved. It shows in her life. As for me...I am like that little kitten, I had to substitute different things in my life to survive. Be it food, self hate, low self esteem, and many other self defeating attitudes. I didn't have a family to nurture me, or to show me the way. Even through this break through, I am OK. I am better able to understand where some of my behaviors come from. I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but I hope you get it.

This year I think Pam should...

OK, folks...I am giving you a chance to fill in the blanks for me. Are you ready? Here goes...

This year I think Pam should__________________________.

Please take as much space as you need. Please take as much time as you want. Just have fun with what you would like to see me accomplish during this year.

Then I will set my sights on achieving these goals or things you would like to see me do.


It will be fun to see how much I get done in the next year.


Are you ready for some hilarious fun? Go for it. Of course anything too out there I might have to say "I don't think so." Just leave your answer in my comment section. I can't wait to see what you will suggest.

My favorite season of the year.

Fall is my favorite season of the year, then Spring. But it is Fall that makes me feel full of life. The cooler weather invigorates me. It inspires me to start thinking about the holidays. The colors of the season are spectacular. It may seem like the end of all things with dying leaves and frost on the grass, but I linger on waiting and enjoying this special moment. I have always been good at waiting.

Maybe, it is the memories of my grandmother cooking and baking. She always began her homemade fruit cakes in fall. You had to wait until Christmas before it was ready. Her fruit cake was delicious. I know what you are thinking, I hear the jokes, but it really was good. Everyday she would saturate it with a little bit of whisky and wrap it back up in the cheese cloth. A little look into the tin, a little smell, a little joy waiting for until it was ready. Did I tell you that I am good at waiting?

I would awake on Thanksgiving morning to the wafting smell of the turkey and dressing cooking in the oven. It was cold in the house because she did not use any heat at night. I slept beneath stacks of home made quilts. She tucked you in at night and you couldn't move from the weight of the quilts. A memory I keep with me always, tucked away in my heart. Always there, ready to remember the wonderful woman that loved me. The wonderful grandparent that I loved so deeply. She was my rock, my foundation, my life. I felt secure with her. I felt safe with her. My grandfather had already passed on, so it was just my grandmother. She was innately strong with wisdom that came from years and years of experience. Not many women are made that way anymore. I hope I measure up in some small way.

Thirty-nine years ago and three days before Thanksgiving, my grand momma and I were watching TV. My sweet husband to be had left for basic camp in San Antonio. I was making an egg sandwich and was back and forth to the kitchen. My mother was an ER nurse and she was at work that night on the three to eleven shift. I remember talking with her about Doc. It was a pleasant night as we watched Hee Haw. One like many others that we had shared.

That night in an moment my life would change forever. I won't go into the details, but my grandmother died with me at home. She died instantly from an cerebral hemorrhage. My world changed forever. I had just completed a CPR course at college and could not do a thing to help her. It has taken me years to forgive myself for not being able to do anything. It was an impossible situation, I realize that I was not in control, but I can't tell you the anguish I felt that night.

Three days before Thanksgiving, momma had never cooked a Thanksgiving meal, but some how by the Grace of God, momma, my sister and I began to cook that meal. It would be unthinkable to not cook the turkey. Grand momma never wasted anything and by cooking it we would honor her. Bit by bit. My job was always to chop the celery, onions, and peppers into finely chopped pieces. That was something I was comfortable with, after all that was my job. That day was but a blur to me, but I remember the feelings, the emotions, and crying. Unstoppable tears. We had buried grand momma the day before Thanksgiving.

People came to the house with food, hugs and salutations and words of encouragement for us. They were kind and spoke of all the good deeds my grand momma had done. I was stunned is all I can say from her death. We always depended on grand momma for everything. She was the rock, the firm foundation, my life. The matriarch of the family.

So as the holiday draws near, I love to remember the woman who shaped me into the person I am today. For years, I was so sad and could barely get through the holiday, until, I had to cook my first turkey for Thanksgiving. I don't often let anyone see my true feelings especially of something that shook my world in such a catastrophic way. It is in the telling of this story that I began to heal. I wish I wasn't such an emotional person, but that is who I am and I can't change that.

Back to the turkey. After preparing the turkey and placing it in the oven, I began to make my dressing. The memories of her dressing I can instantly recall. The smell of it, the texture of it... I felt her presence with me that day. I felt her hand on my shoulder as I mixed the ingredients together. I felt safe once again. I will never forget that day and the feelings. It was heaven sent for just me. Thank you grand momma for loving me for me. You will never know how much that meant to me. Unconditional love. And by the way, the meal was perfect and that was the beginning of my learning how to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

Since 1971, when she died, I think of her often, but especially when I am making dressing. It brings me close to her. This year I am still making my dressing, but I ask my SIL to make her mother's dressing as well. We will enjoy our memories together.

Hey something is different...

This morning I spent reading some of my older posts about moving. It still brings me to tears when I read about how hard leaving my former home, my floral business, church family and dear friends was for me. I have been in a blue funk as many of you know for at least the year before our move. Hubs was living in another town for a year before we found any land to buy. Oh my, I was so lonely and terribly sad. This was very traumatic for me. Not for Hubs. Men just don't think like women do. So how did I cope? Not very well, you see I just struggled along putting one foot in front of the other and tried not to think too much.



I had been in pain from RA and my knee was injured on March 8th and I was so depressed. I started seeing a chiropratic and a counselor. I have to tell you that finally and I mean recently...my knee is better at about 80% and I am not depressed. Thank you Lord for working in my life to mend me. When you live in pain all the time it really brings you down and it is hard to focus on anything else. Then to be depressed on top of that. Ugh...is all I can say.



So last week, I noticed something was different. Hmmmm....I feel good. This was a wondeful moment to see how far I had come. I can walk with out pain in my knee and carry groceries up the decks stairs. I am still not at a 100%, but I am on my way. I told my therapist that little bit of news and she ask me what I thought had happened.? I know I owe it all to God, but I think the other things helped me along the way.



I remember how Dr. John would say such comforting things to me about this move. For those of you that did not know him, he was a retired Luthern pastor. He went on to be with the Lord almost 5 months ago. He understood my sorrow. I sure miss him.



I want to thank my bloggy friends for lifting me up and help keeping me a float during this time. You will never know how much I appreciate all of you. I am starting to see a new me and I like her. While I may not have many friends here or a church that feels like home, I am so thankful for my bloggy friends. Your listening to me is the kindest thing anyone has done for me. It has not gone unnoticed and I am gratful to you.



I am no longer looking at what I left, but looking to what I have. Hubs will start a new project in another town soon. I am sorry, but he is not taking the travel trailer. He will have to get up early and drive to and from. Last summer he was in south Louisiana forever. That was really difficult on me trying to keep the house, yard and everything together.



I wish you love and peace.

I am empty

In my therapy I am working on blame versus responsibility. This has been my home work assignment for this week. When I blame someone usually my Hubs, I give up my control and it makes him angry. Just as I expected the answer to be. When he blames me it has the same affect on me. I see just how childish laying blame to someone can be. In fact it is totally unproductive. Usually, I blame myself for everything. I know...I am working on it.

I am an empty vessel. I used to be full of life and I don't know what has happened to my zest for living. During therapy sessions I am finding out a lot of things about myself that I do not like. Maybe I am the one to blame for my emptiness. I have been so fully vested in my family's life that some how I forgot to invest in myself. This is frightening to me to realize that I have nothing in my vessel called life. I feel empty. Empty in a way that I have never felt empty. This is totally new to me. I am not sure what I should do about it. I feel alone. I am lonely. I am empty.

Responsibility on the other hand is sorta the same thing as blame but the outcome is different. I think responsibility one actually owns or accepts his knowledge of his part. You can grow with responsibility. It is good for you to be responsible. Take charge of you own stuff and quit blaming anyone for any other stuff. Pretty simple I would say.

I think when I remove the blame and the anger my vessel will fill up again. This is my prayer. This was an AHA moment for me. It got me down thinking that I was empty, alone and unhappy about my life. I am an empty vessel. Oh, I don't like the sound of that. I have always had my identity as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt and grandmother. Take those away and I am nothing. Labels that identify myself. I prefer to be kind, loving, loyal, gentle, spirit filled, funny, compassionate in addition to my labels.

Let Your Light Shine

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

What was I thinking?

It is the middle of the night and I have not fallen to sleep yet. I am on my third day of not sleeping because I thought I could stop taking my medicine for restless leg. I was wrong. I think I have more control over my body and mind so occasionally I will stop taking medicines. I hate taking medicine all the time. I like to try alternative therapy.

I have been going to a chiropractor for my knee and related problems. I have been so excited and in my efforts to attain a better and healthier life, I decided to go off my hormone replacement therapy. Maybe this was not a good idea? Or maybe quitting Dr. Pepper was the problem? Next I stopped my meds for my Restless Leg Syndrome.

What am I thinking? Tonight, or should I say this morning, I am not sure what I was thinking. I tend to be so intentional with my actions that often I regret those decisions. I tell myself I am stronger than the medicine. We will see?

Star Light, Star Bright...

How many times as a child did I look at the evening sky and say those magical words...

"Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight.

I wish I may I wish I might

Have this wish I wish tonight."

My wishes never came true.

But I can still dream.

Click on the photo to see all the picture. It is just awesome.

The Simple Things of Life

Beautiful Bubbles...

Bubbles make me smile...

Bubbles are magical...


Bubbles are fun!

Why is it the simple things of life that we loved as children, we let fall to the way side of our youth?

I can't think of any one thing that brought more joy to me as a child than bubbles. So today, I bring you bubbles. There is something so beautiful about them. The way the float and glisten on the air. Giving rise to the wind. I wish they would last forever, but then if they did they would not be special. I am going to buy me some bubbles today. I think it will be good for my inner child.

Please enjoy today!

What moves your soul?

There are so many things that move my soul.
I struggle to transform the emotions to words and to paper.
You know those fleeting moments of feelings
They send goose bumps up your back
Make you shiver with joy.
It can be something as simple as a chord of your favorite song.
It just zings me for a brief moment and I smile.

The intoxicating smell of honey suckle.
Transforms me to a different time and era.
It takes my breath away.
I pause and inhale theses little bits of the moment.
These sweet jewels that I often forget to embrace,
Oh so simple, yet fulfill my world, moves my heart.
Inspires me.
Shakes me, makes me fall to my knees in sheer awe of the moment.

What moves your soul?

A beautiful piece of art work in a museum.
Summons memories of a college painting class.
And the innocence of youth.
A morning sun filled with lyrical notes from the song birds.
Evening stars sparkling so high in the sky
While the lightening bugs fly to and fro
Encircling the trees on the soft breeze of the night.
Life's little simple moments.
Let them speak to you.

I feel like I have a secret with in my soul.
Just for me, it all unfolds.
My happy place is where I go.
Free from the sorrow I know.
Yes, I have a secret.
My own peace of joy.
Takes me away.
On the wings of time.
Let it speak to your soul.

Ripped apart at the heart

My childhood was surreal. I could not handle the emotions, the bad feelings, the loss of control. Maybe if I had been better, or minded, my family would not have fell apart. I know I felt responsible for this tragedy in my life. Why would a young child feel this? I must have been four years old and I remember this thought. "What did I do wrong?" "Why would I feel responsible?"

Things began to change. I felt no security and a huge sense of loss and abandonment. Wait a minute...don't I have a say about this? Evidently no was the answer.

It would not be long before my life was turned upside down because my parents divorced. My sister moved out with us to our grandparents home, but after a while she wanted to go and live with daddy. The judge ask my sister and I where we wanted to live. I stayed with my mother and my sister went to live with our daddy. My whole world changed. The loss of security, my safety, and my family. I was three years old and my sister was six years old. Poof...all gone up like smoke.


Moma found an apartment and a job with in walking distance from the apartment. She worked at a dentist office.I tried to help moma with the dishes and house work. I also did my best to be good and not get into trouble. My sister would come to visit us and I was so excited to see her, but then she always left to go back to daddy's.


Another odd memory I have is that moma dyed my hair blond. My blond hair was turning darker and I have no idea why she bleached it blond. This was the sort of stuff my mother was known for and I never knew what to expect.


I went to a day care center that I did not like. I remember that we all went to the bathrooms together. When we went swimming, we changed into our suits in the hall way in front of our lockers. I did not like that one bit. It felt embarrassing to be told to change in front of the other kids. I had never experienced anything as humiliating as this was. The only thing I did like was art. In the afternoon, we had art and I found my love of painting and color there.


When daddy remarried, he left my sister alone for a week while they went on their honeymoon. My sister called grandmoma and begged her to come and get her. Momma and I went to get her and bring her home with us. I remember it was cold and raining that night. Swoosh, swoosh went the windshield wipers. I sat in the car while moma went up the stairs to get my sister. What happened next upset me so much that I could barely believe my eyes. Moma and daddy got into a fight and the next thing I see is daddy pushing moma down the stairs. I hate the rain to this day because of that memory. It was awful to see daddy do that to moma. We brought my sister home with us that night. In that moment my sister and I both hated our daddy.


Safety, security, hunger, pain, and abandonment were words that became all too familiar. They next chapter in my life began when I wet the bed.





To be continued...