HOT DAMN!

If you want to be loved and financially rewarded by the most loyal music fans in the biggest music market on Earth,

then y'er gonna want to be a Country Music Star in America!
 

Country music ain't nuthin' to sneeze at in Canada and Australia neither.

Here's a chart of the biggest Music Markets in the world.

In the USofA there are 2,014 Radio Stations playin' Country and 1,323 playin' Rock n Roll in 2009. 

Yessiree Bob that's 77 million adult listeners ever' week...

and 42% of them now have interwebs access!

Now you might not think that songs 'bout drinkin' & cheatin' & horses & more drinkin' ain't entertainin', exhortin', comfortin', & psychologically fulfilling enuff to fill stadiums and sell million$ of CD$...

but you'd be wrong.

I figur'd that I'd hitch my horse to that wagon and try to become the next Garth Brooks?

If you've been livin' on the Moon for the past 20 years, Brooks is the feller what sold 220 Million Singles & Albums in the USofA..

second only to the Beatles.

Now I already have a few songs "in the can" and just recorded a couple more to be shipped off to them thar 2,000 country rodeo..I mean radio, Stations.

Hell, how hard can it be?

Faster, Higher, Stronger?

In the Animal Olympics we're Fatter, Slower, Smarter!

Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister has written "Manthropology/The Science of the Inadequate Modern Male" and he has speculated that prehistoric Australian Aborigines could run faster than Olympic Sprinter Usain Bolt..
the world's fastest man who can cover 100 Metres in an amazing 9.58 SECONDS!

McAllister's conclusions are based on a set of fossilized footprints that suggest one of the men reached speeds of 37 kph on a soft, muddy lake edge.
Bolt ran 42 kph at the Olympics.


"In an interview in the English university town of Cambridge where he was temporarily resident, McAllister said that, with modern training, spiked shoes and rubberized tracks, aboriginal hunters might have reached speeds of 45 kph.But if they can do that speed of 37 kph on very soft ground I suspect there is a strong chance they would have outdone Usain Bolt if they had all the advantages that he does. We can tell that T8 is accelerating toward the end of his tracks."

 See for yourself 

When it comes to SPRINTING, Humans have always been pretty pathetic.
We have never done very well whether running away from carnivores or "catching" dinner in a flat out race.

Have a lash at these comparisons..
Cheetah          113 kph/70 mph

Pronghorn     98/61
Lion/Gazelle 80/50
Race Horse   75/47
Kangaroo       70/43
Ostrich           69/43
Grizzly           48/30
OLYMPIC SPRINTER 42 kph/26 mph
Elephant        40/25
Mamba           32/20
AVERAGE EARTHLING* 24 kph/15 mph
*about the same as an OLYMPIC MARATHON RUNNER
Crocodile        17/10

What we eventually learned/adapted to do,
was to out-run our victims...
but but our predators..not-so-much..

however, thanks to acquiring bigger brains,
we invented smarter ways to kill our predators.

See for yourself

"Most mammals can sprint faster than humans — having four legs gives them the advantage. But when it comes to long distances, humans can outrun almost any animal.

Because we cool by sweating rather than panting, we can stay cool at speeds and distances that would overheat other animals.

On a hot day, the two scientists wrote, a human could even outrun a horse in a 26.2-mile marathon.

Why would evolution favor the distance runner?

The prevailing theory is that endurance running allowed primitive humans to incorporate meat into their diet.

They may have watched the sky for scavenging birds and then run long distances to reach a fresh kill and steal the meat from whatever animal was there first."

btw:

When it comes to SWIMMING after things to eat or away from things that want to eat us, we totally suck!

Have a lash at this..

Sailfish             113 kph/70mph
Mako Shark    97/60

Killer Whale   77/48
OLYMPIC SWIMMER  7kph/4mph!!

Basically we never stood a chance of going toe to toe with our prey or predators.
We lucked out and somehow managed to live long enough to evolve into runnin' fools who eventually learned how to outlast "yummy" prey, and throw pointy sticks at "mean" predators.
And the rest as they say, is Ourstory.

IS IT JUST ME?

Does anyone else detect a subliminal message in this poster?

The Wiggles are coming out to Whateverpeg. I noticed this peculiar advert in the paper..hmm?

The WIGGLES are "the world's biggest preschool band" and also Australyer's top-earning entertainers?

Most of you are no doubt surprised that Austraylyer would have children's entertainers..afterall, back in May 0f 1976 I learned all about Australians from P.J. O'Rourke's brilliant Foreigners Around The World article in National Lampoon magazine.

Bear in mind this was written in the halcyon days of Satire years before Political Correctness ruined everything.

Racial Characteristics:

"Violently loud alcoholic roughnecks whose idea of fun is to throw up on your car.

The national sport is breaking furniture and the average daily consumption of beer in Sydney is ten and three quarters Imperial gallons for children under the age of nine.

"Making a Shambles" is required study in the primary schools and all Australians are bilingual, speaking both English and Sheep.

Possibly as a result of their country's being upside down, the local dialect has over 400 terms for vomit.

Some of the peculiar forms of native wildlife have up to nine assholes.

The recent destruction of Darwin by a hurricane was actually a cover story for the regrettable coincidence of paydays on three separate sheep stations."

Now to be fair O'Rourke was equally critical of us.

Racial Characteristics:

"Hard to tell a Canadian from an extremely boring regular white person unless he's dressed to go outdoors.

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. It is thought to resemble a sort of arctic Nebraska.

It's reported that Canadians keep pet French people. If true, this is their only interesting trait.

At any rate, they are apparently able to train Frenchmen to play hockey, which is more than any European has ever been able to do."

After reading that analysis, aren't you a bit surprised that Australyer even has children's entertainers?

Does that poster make you wonder what wiggling is?

SUMMER, GOOD!

I snuck out of the city this weekend to enjoy the great outdoors. Our Summer Season is uber-short in this neck of the woods so you need to make the most of it.

The mosquitos and horseflys were wicked so I had to wear an Australian anti-bug hat.

Oscar Wilde was right, "Nature is so uncomfortable. Grass is hard and lumpy and damp, and full of dreadful black insects."

Took an ole fishin' boat out for a spin on Lake Whateverpeg which is the 11th largest freshwater Lake in the WORLD!

I like to jump off the boat and splash around. You don't need to worry about anything nibbling y'er bum out here!

There was a Fox menacing one of the resident Deer. I will not tolerate such behavior so we hid in the bush and waited to "teach him a lesson". The Fox outfoxed us and took off.

Every day I would sit on the beach and thank Mother Nature for creating Summer.

It almost makes up for 6 months of Winter..

almost!

THE ART OF DIVERSION
It's Friday night and I just finished the first installment of Homo Escapeons; The Ass End Of Man...*sigh...From Chimps To Chumps.

Directly across the back lane a Raccoon is woefully chattering inside the trap that was set a few hours ago.
There are a few flakes of snow fluttering down.

I take a sip of my cocktail, put my bigass headphones on, and zip over to YouTube to listen to the Australian band that Geoff plugged..Empire Of The Sun

...here it is WE ARE THE PEOPLE

I was quite unprepared for such a luscious haunting chorus and eye-catching characters..all wrapped up in a trippy peyote induced video.

It was weird because I had just watched an excellent documentary on the quest to decipher the 800 Mayan hieroglyphs on NOVA ..they of course were the BIG empire of the Western World and plus the costumes and death masks in the video were well timed.




I had just posed with one of them in Mexico a few weeks ago. What timing to have all the religious imagery and ritual pageantry of meso-america in the video..

it's weird how things happen in clusters.

I wrote and produced TV commercials back in the 80s and unfortunately I still tend to over-analyze Ads & music videos..but I appreciated the extra effort that went into this video.

Awesome song..great on it's own, great creative characters..think Mayan Priest influenced by Adam Ant & Boy George, truly gorgeous scenery both in the desert & the jungle, and most of all that quirky edge thingamabob that you just can't put your finger on, but you know that it works and it's uber-kewl.

You don't quite know if the visuals mirror the lyrics or if that even matters..whatevah..it's ART!

It is supposed to inspire and transport you and I jumped onboard from the getgo and loved every second of it...and that chorus..

I must have listened to it about 20 times

Thanks Geoff..great tip.

Globowl Warming

GLOBAL WARMING

MY FROZEN ASS!!!!

Did you know that 90% of Homo Escapeons live in the Northern Hemisphere?

I live alongside 500,000,000 other Escapeons who currently occupy North America.

Through some cruel twist of fate, and very poor (selfish) planning on the part of my Grandfathers, I live in the centre of North America.

During the Cretaceous Period 100 million years ago, my house would have been at the bottom of the Western_Inland_Sea.

Which would have been a very Inconvenient Truth because instead of chasing away the bloody Squirrels chewing on my Christmas lights, I would have had a Mosasaur circling the house waitng to eat me!



So it could be much worse, and for such small mercies, I am eternally grateful.

Not that long ago, during the most recent period of North American Glaciation, 26,000 - 13,300 years ago, ice sheets 3 to 4 KILOfrickinMETRES THICK extended to about 45 degrees north latitude...

that's way past my house.

Now to the matter at hand.

Unless you live in North Korea,



where L'il Kim banned the Internet and the 21st Century,
you have no doubt been warned about glo-bowl warming..

which is also prolly banned in Bad Korea.

I mean global warming.

However, if you take a look at todays weather map it is almost identical to the last Ice Age.

Coinky-Dink?

I think not.

Anyway, we are a hardy lot in Whateverpeg and we do whatever we need to in order to survive...

but if this cold snap doesn't end soon I am going to snap!


I can guarandamntee you that I will be HOMO ESCAPING to a warmer climate!

Frankly, I would prefer getting pulled around by Kangaroos,

but what are ya gonna do?

*and speaking of Frank, my apologies to the Frazman..

awesome does not even begin to describe his stuff!

GEOdumbography

It has occurred to me that most of our problems could be solved by simply relocating a few countries. Personally I'd like to see NORTH AMERICA become a safer place to raise a family but also loosen up a bit and be more fun.

In order to make that happen we would need to exchange AUSTRALIA for the USA...and of course get Alaska back from those thieves! Australia and Canada would get along famously because we have so much in common.

Besides, it would be much cheaper for the USA to fight Russia and China and (whoever else they pick next week) if they were way over there.

Then North America would consist of Canada, Australia, Mexico, and the Caribbean..HELLO!

I would try move the UK a little closer (give them some sunlight poor things) and Spain can come over, they're fun but no mas with that Bullfighting Bullsh*t.

I'd like to move the entire MIDDLE EAST and all those STAN countries waaaay up north to RUSSIA and let the Russians have their warm water port and defrost the neo-Cold War. That way they'll all still have their bloody OIL but maybe the Russians will relax in a hotter climate and the fine folks from the Middle East & Stan countries might chillax a bit when it's 30 below?

I would also move China into smaller digs and give Tibet their spot...see how they like it. AFRICA could become one ginormous Game Preserve. Nice.

SOUTH AMERICA can just be Brazil..that would be kewl.

JAPAN needs more room to spread out so off you go, the Sea of Japan is empty anyway, and INDIA would have much better access to the American Market if the US was in Australia's old spot.

What would you do?

KINADA DIE WUZ ALMOST ROO'nd

July 1st is Canada Day, it is 141 years young.

My Canada Day celebrations began by meeting fellow Bloggers Brian and Joyce for our second annual stroll through the Zoo.

Most of you know that I come from a land UP-OVER,

and in honour of this AUSspicious day,

I thought that it would be fitting to clelebrate the country that I love most...

AUSTRALEEYER!

So off we went exploring the Land Downunda exhibit at the Zoo.

As you know Austr'alien' woyldlife has the strayngist bloody creatures and the funniest bloody naymes.

Once inside, we had a lash at all the bloody birds..

noice pecker on that one eh?

and wouldn't ya bloody knowit..

the bloody Tree Kangaroos sleepin' agine..

what the hell..

WAKE UP YA LAZY FAKE KANGAROO BASTARD!

Now everyone loves Wallabies because they are the poodles of the Kangaroo family..

cute little bloody bastards..

not a one in sight..

great bloody exhibit mate!

Atleast they had a picture of one of the bloody Wallabies on the bloody WALL!

Naturally we were all excited to see Ayres bloody Rock,

one of the seven bloody wonders of the world..

well guess what?

It's only this bloody big because they bloody well ran out of bloody money!

More like 'errors bloody rock' if you ask me?

So anyway, despite the crappy exhibit, we had a bloody noyce Canada G'Day.

but nixt year, I hope to celebrate it in bloody Australia.

'Cause thet's where I bloody well belongabong mate!