Edible Flotsam

FOREIGNERS MUST STOP EATING

by LORD TENNISANYONE

Pursuant to my recent reply to an electronic article published by my dear associate and ardent Large Hadron Collider denier, Vicus Scurra , concerning the Queen's 2009 message regarding the dietary peculiarities of foreigners, it suddenly occurred to me, that the greatest challenge of the new decade will be how we manage to preserve our beloved exotic animals and allow foreigners to share our planet.

Sadly those people have brought this all upon themselves. Unable to control their primal urges they fight amongst themselves and breed exponentially. 
Due to their self inflicted circumstance they are in the midst of subsequently eviscerating their local biospeheres where our beloved exotic animals live.
Bad form I say.

On the darkest of continents these people thoughtlessly trespass on our Game Preserves at will and shoot anything that bloody moves. Known locally as "Bush Meat" these foreigners are systematically eating our cousins, the Bonobos and Chimpanzees.

Dare I say that during the Colonial era in Africa the locals weren't allowed to tamper with our Game and everything seemed to be in order.
Now the whole bloody thing is out of sorts.

As if that wasn't enough of a perturbance, these foreigners also  massacre Elephants, Tigers, Gorillers, and Rhinos, leave the carcasses to rot, and sell their tusks, horns, paws, and penii, so that other foreigners can get boners, carve trinkets, and make bloody knife handles.


 

These voracious little buggers send huge floating factories into our bloody oceans to net, vacuum, dynamite, and harpoon anything that bloody swims or crawls..including our whales.

With all the fish nearly gone from the actions of these inconsiderate uppity foreigners, vicious Seals have started attacking and feeding upon my fellow Colonists.

One can hardly believe that these heartless bastards perform the barbaric practice of hacking the fins off of millions of bloody sharks every year, dumping the rest of the dying creatures into the water, in order to make expen$ive bloody soup to supposedly bring good luck and get boners.

Unfortunately eating our cousin Apes which have 99% of our DNA isn't the most egregious violation. What will eventually tip the scale and force us to take affirmative action is the irreconcilable practice of eating our beloved best furiends... 

Dogs.
Bloody Hell!

My old chum Charlie Darwin would not have been surprised at our discovery that all large megafauna were obliterated and became extinct as we marched out of Africa and conquered the other continents.

The animals that evolved alongside of us in Africa had enough bloody sense to run away or eat us. The new species that we encountered were thick as a post and just stood there as we poked them with sharp objects.

The fossil record shows that we annihilated the competing predatory species and inadvertently upset the natural balance allowing the prey animals to overpopulate and devour their food supply whilst succumbing to accompanying disease, before we killed and ate them all.

Nowadays it's bloody well impossible to enjoy a tender butter-roasted Dodo...

not to mention that a proper Gentlemen can no longer even enjoy a pleasant afternoon bagging a Thylacine ?!

pity.

That being said, we in the modern world have taken responsibilty for the missteps of our ancestors and developed an inexhaustable supply of frankencritters on huge factory farms....
 so why can't those foreigners figure it out?

We want to be able to enjoy hunting and photographing the exotic animals on safari in our far off lands and if these foreigners wish to continue sharing our planet, then they must stop eating our animals and especially our furiends.
My Word! 

Worst Nightmare Scenario

MY WORST NIGHTMARE SCENARIO

You will never-ever-ever catch me deciding to go out for a 'tipsy' paddle on the ocean at dusk...
ev-verrr!

what would be your worst nightmare?

LIFE is yummy

All is right in the world.
I have started watching a new nature series called LIFE which is hosted by my idol, Sir David Attenborough...
who if I am not mistaken, believes that he is invisible to other animals.

Unfortunately, because I live next to the United States, I am forced to view the americanized version.

The original Beeb version was tailor-made for the zany over-the-top animal-lovers in the United Kingdom. 

As many of you are aware, the Brits annihilated 99% of their own fauna millenia ago and to this very day, the entire island nation remains safe for enjoying picnics in the woods.

Regrettably, the largest creature to be found in jolly old England is the Badger.

Even as I write this fascinating-informative post, back in jolly old England, hordes of inbred, gin & tonic fueled members of the upper class are wreaking havoc on the remaining 17 Badgers!

These shameless scoundrels are making short work of those nasty-little-buggers ever since Fox Hunting on horseback with golf clubs was banned in 2008.  

Trapped on a desolate animal-free landscape is precisely why the Brits now go absolutely gaga whilst catching a glimpse of a f*cking bird?

"I say Penelope, I do believe I've caught a glimpse of a Great Tit "
"Oh Charles, r e a l l y, must you be so crass?" 

However, on this side of the pond, Merkins are more "into" killin' and eatin' critters.

So, thanks to extensive market research, the producers made some alterations and have wisely chosen to tweak the show and present the new program as; 

LIFE "tastes like chicken"

After seeing the episode on FISH,

I'm not sure if there is going to be a sequel?

Faster, Higher, Stronger?

In the Animal Olympics we're Fatter, Slower, Smarter!

Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister has written "Manthropology/The Science of the Inadequate Modern Male" and he has speculated that prehistoric Australian Aborigines could run faster than Olympic Sprinter Usain Bolt..
the world's fastest man who can cover 100 Metres in an amazing 9.58 SECONDS!

McAllister's conclusions are based on a set of fossilized footprints that suggest one of the men reached speeds of 37 kph on a soft, muddy lake edge.
Bolt ran 42 kph at the Olympics.


"In an interview in the English university town of Cambridge where he was temporarily resident, McAllister said that, with modern training, spiked shoes and rubberized tracks, aboriginal hunters might have reached speeds of 45 kph.But if they can do that speed of 37 kph on very soft ground I suspect there is a strong chance they would have outdone Usain Bolt if they had all the advantages that he does. We can tell that T8 is accelerating toward the end of his tracks."

 See for yourself 

When it comes to SPRINTING, Humans have always been pretty pathetic.
We have never done very well whether running away from carnivores or "catching" dinner in a flat out race.

Have a lash at these comparisons..
Cheetah          113 kph/70 mph

Pronghorn     98/61
Lion/Gazelle 80/50
Race Horse   75/47
Kangaroo       70/43
Ostrich           69/43
Grizzly           48/30
OLYMPIC SPRINTER 42 kph/26 mph
Elephant        40/25
Mamba           32/20
AVERAGE EARTHLING* 24 kph/15 mph
*about the same as an OLYMPIC MARATHON RUNNER
Crocodile        17/10

What we eventually learned/adapted to do,
was to out-run our victims...
but but our predators..not-so-much..

however, thanks to acquiring bigger brains,
we invented smarter ways to kill our predators.

See for yourself

"Most mammals can sprint faster than humans — having four legs gives them the advantage. But when it comes to long distances, humans can outrun almost any animal.

Because we cool by sweating rather than panting, we can stay cool at speeds and distances that would overheat other animals.

On a hot day, the two scientists wrote, a human could even outrun a horse in a 26.2-mile marathon.

Why would evolution favor the distance runner?

The prevailing theory is that endurance running allowed primitive humans to incorporate meat into their diet.

They may have watched the sky for scavenging birds and then run long distances to reach a fresh kill and steal the meat from whatever animal was there first."

btw:

When it comes to SWIMMING after things to eat or away from things that want to eat us, we totally suck!

Have a lash at this..

Sailfish             113 kph/70mph
Mako Shark    97/60

Killer Whale   77/48
OLYMPIC SWIMMER  7kph/4mph!!

Basically we never stood a chance of going toe to toe with our prey or predators.
We lucked out and somehow managed to live long enough to evolve into runnin' fools who eventually learned how to outlast "yummy" prey, and throw pointy sticks at "mean" predators.
And the rest as they say, is Ourstory.

JACK ATTACK!

Today was my last day at Grand Beach this summer,

but it was almost my last day at the Beach EVER!

I may be an adrenaline-junky and thrillseeking S.O.B whackjob,

but I don't take crazy-ass risks!


I have all sorts of surveillance gizmos and crap that I bought from an ex-C.I.A. guy on Kijiji..

pretty cool eh?

woah


The coast was clear so I ran out and grabbed LIFE by the balls!

After surfin' I went for a swim,

but almost immediately,

I sensed that danger lurked beneath the waves.

I felt something very large moving between my legs..

no it wasn't that,

the water was pretty cold.
I kept hoping that whatever it was,

was vegetarian!

Then I saw a flash of green lightning!

Noooooooo!

Not a Northern Pike (fo' real click & see)

The Northern Pike..we call them Jack, is a million times more dangerous than a shark.

I was dead-certain that I was going to be tomorrow's lead story.

All I could think of was...

(( I WANT MY M O M M Y ))

I knew that statistically speaking the odds of me surviving this attack were really really really low.

Being a vasectomy survivor,

I thought that I knew what real pain was..

but this was unlike any pain that I had ever experienced..

except for the vasectomy.

The monster chomped my right hand off!
I bit off my other hand and threw it at the bastard hoping that it would give me a few extra seconds to swim to shore...

which turned out to be a lot harder without my hands...

but I made it!

Okay ya got me :)

Other people at the beach were starting to stand on the shoreline and gawk but more importantly, my assistants on this blog-shoot were kvetching and ready to quit.

My good-lady-wife was embarrassed and #2 son had had enough and wanted to go off and catch minnows..

so I guess this is where I'll end my Fishy story...

and how could I have thrown over my other hand?

Did I mention that we have sharks too?

IF ONLY BOTH OF THE OCTOMOM's FIRSTBORNS ATE THEIR SIBLINGS?

further to our discussion Feb 3, 2009

SHORT VERSION for the Chronologically Challenged:

Why the f*ck aren't the asshats in labcoats who overfertilised these nincompoop Octomoms financially responsible for creating and caring for the 14 extra kids that nobody ordered?

and here is the LONG TEDIOUS VERSION:

One of the most disturbing downsides of recreational intercourse, an otherwise enjoyable activity, is that an egg may accidentally be fertilised and as Elvis so eloquently put it; there's another hungry mouth to feed in the ghetto.

Isn't this planet already dangerously overcrowded?

It's OK relax, that one was obviously rhetorical and a fleeting throw-away thought so just go ahead and read the next part....

oh and wait a minute...

before you get on your high horse let's get one thing straight.

I believe that it is a f*cking miracle that science, and pseudo-science, can help infertile couples.

I don't care whether they are married or not married, same sex or single or asexual or interracial or interspecial or casually dating and had a one night stand and think it might be kinda cool to have a couple kids and maybe get a dog later...

BUT,

more recently we have been forced to tippy-toe through the ethical minefield involving the ridiculously inexact science of clinically reproducing wealthy North Americans.

Most of you no doubt remember the Every Sperm Is Sacred musical scene from Monty Python's film, The Meaning Of Life. The Catholic factory worker comes home to his 60-odd children and tells them that he's been laid off and they're all being sold for scientific experiments because he has been blessed so much, that he can no longer afford to feed them...

whatever, that's more of a problem for the overdeveloped nations in Europe.

Here in the land of Manifest Destiny, Octomom and Kate8 are having it out in the pages of the seminal celebrity mag INtouch.

See for yourself WOW!

This is like Octomom-o-geddon except that we already know the answer to the most important question; which one has better hair?

but

which Octomom is the better single Mom?

Political correctness, the abscence of Darwinian population controls, religious doctrines concerning the beginning of Life, pretzel logic and kafkaesque legislation, and an army of eager, rabid, lawyers representing the reproductive-clinics, prevent us from having a serious discussion about why the asshats in labcoats who overfertilised these nincompoops are not financially responsible for 14 extra kids that nobody ordered?

Seriously?

Perhaps these $cienti$t$ should have injected some Sand Tiger Shark DNA into the petrie dish.



You see, Sand Tiger "Pups" practice intrauterine cannibalism .

The Mommy Shark's firstborn Pups eat all their developing siblings inside the uterus (her tummy) and grow big and strong before they enter the outside world. Fortunately she has two uterussusses or uterii, so 2 Pups are born (come out of her belly button) and the species receives sufficient numbers to continue.

I miss blogging about Sharks. I should do that instead of all this crap and make it some artsy fartsy thingamabob using sharks and all of the metaphorical mystique and misinformation about them into a playful forum..maybe 24 more posts and then that will be 600..a good place to stop and become SharkMAN.

here's a little chart I made for a presentation to a group of school kids..

see the Sandtiger on the right? It's not to be confused with a TIGER Shark.

Sandtigers look scary with those teeth hanging out and adapt well in captivity so a lot of Aquariums have them.

Where was I? Oh yeah. What a beautiful image of the miracle of birth..eating your brothers and sisters..MMMMM.

As Paul Anka sang, "what a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me".

What should we do with these un$crupulou$ reproductivi$t$ who are unwilling to financially support the "extras" they hatch for befuddled women like Octomom, who already had 6 kids under the age of 10 before she realised that she needed some MORE? The fellers at the clinic must have thought long and hard about that and decided, "Hell, why not."

And howzabout harvesting impregnated clone-thingys for those other women who are well past their best-before-date and will become 60 year-old-Moms?

That's an awesome idea.

Obviously it isn't the Mom's fault or responsibility because gawdamnit this is happening in AMERICA and Moms can just go out and get a TV $how and make million$ to support their surplus children.

It sounds like an Amendment in their Constitution;

The Right To Bear.

The Reproductivi$t$ cover their legal asses and pretend that it's like gambling in an ovarian casino..but unlike Vegas;

what happens in uterus, doesn't stay in uterus.

Look Lady, ya pays y'er money and ya takes y'er chances.

I watched the Beeb this weekend and a learned panel was discussing incentives and programs to aid and educate women in developing countries to STOP having so many babies.

I wasn't surprised that they never once mentioned either of the American Octomoms or their direct competition, the crazy Duggars, who not only have 18 offspring but all the kid's names start with a "J"

which I think you will agree is in and of itself quite reprehensible.
WHO is responsible for this madness?
WHO?

THE DUCKDAYS OF SUMMER

Another day, another outting..

this time we spent the afternoon HERE enjoying a simple soundscape of songbirds, wind, and quacks.

Sorry, I couldn't resist because it's
SHARK WEEK