the night we sat on the roof
taking turns and dares to
jump into the tree. proving
invincibility with reckless
pique- the popularity we hated
and reluctantly chased only to ignore
partying down in our house now.
the one with the indestructible floorboards
and its very own harem.
i’ll go down soon and yell at them
to leave- they will not enjoy what they
threw away. later by a fire
after midnight, another quiet song
and the soundtrack to this memory making.
i’m so light i hold just one breath
and go back to my nest
sleep with innocence. all of youth
is one long night.
Showing posts with label Pearl Jam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pearl Jam. Show all posts
December 11, 2021
345/365
October 30, 2021
303/365
maybe we’re in the car
just you and me driving you
to a friend’s house to celebrate
halloween and spend the night.
maybe i feel pretty hopeful
for the first time in weeks
noticing the density of the clouds
and how the sun makes the hood
shimmer and maybe you say that
one of the reasons you want a car and
to learn how to drive is to listen to loud
music and maybe i say that is definitely a top
five reason and maybe we listen to sublime,
bob marley, nirvana and pearl jam and maybe
i hold back tears while singing along,
one day the symptoms fade. think i’ll throw
these pills away and if hope could grow
from dirt like me. it can be done and maybe
i don’t want the drive to end and maybe i
want to say more, but i pretend like the lyrics
are enough and maybe i need to tell my parents
i love them when i speak to them and find ways
to make them happy and maybe it’s enough
to write this all down, wrap it in a book
and give it to you when i’m gone.
May 25, 2021
145/365
the moon was out and full
and that has to mean something
as we drank a bottle of gin
and talked about the pandemic
and music
and the past
and the future.
you played records:
springsteen
joni mitchell
pearl jam.
by the end
we were out of ice
and the warm gin
and pepper
and cucumber
and my headache
slowed things down,
but we were committed
to the night
and our friendship
and the ability
and need
to stay connected
and free.
i am imagine henry miller
near a war
drinking a bottle of gin
and writing similar gibberish
about how important
it is to be alive.
March 26, 2020
New Pearl Jam Album
This might a chicken and an egg situation, but for the last thirty years, Pearl Jam have released an album at a significant time in my life, or maybe every time Pearl Jam release an album it acts as a time maker for what is happening in my life.
Either way, on the eve of the release of their eleventh studio album, I thought it appropriate to write up a quick timeline of each album's significance, what I was doing at the time and key songs that mark the time.
Ten- 1991
While Ten was released in August of 1991, it didn’t enter my world for a few months later. I was still infatuated with GnRs Use Your Illusions album and listening to a lot of Skynyrd. I had seen Man in the Box by Alice In Chains on 120 mins as my entry into grunge and Pearl Jam was not yet on my radar.
There is a infamous SNL performance, that we watched with friends, where I apparently said I didn’t really like Pearl Jam because they didn’t have “rhythm.”
Anyway….fast-forward a few months and we are about to graduate. Suddenly I had forgotten their lack of rhythm and Ten was my soundtrack of senior year. I listened to it all the time. I must have gone through four or five copies of this CD within a few years.
To this day, I still see Ten as the break from High School and my entry to the real world. Songs like Why Go, Once and Porch where main stays on my CD player for decades to come. To this day Black and Release feel as fresh and necessary as they did in 1992.
Vs- 1993
I had moved to San Diego and back to San Rafael. The SDSU frat scene was not for me and a longing for my high school girlfriend, found me back in my hometown. Anthony and I had our first apartment on 1313 fourth street. I was taking a few classes at College of Marin and working at Bank of America.
I remember skipping classes and work on the day this album came out and locking myself at home with it. I may have drank and ate and smoked a few things, and I listened to it non-stop for twelve house.
To this day it might be my favorite Pearl Jam album. Hearing Daughter and Elderly Woman for the first time were revelations. Leash and Blood and Rearview Mirror were the soundtrack songs of many late night moshing sessions in a variety of living rooms throughout the 90s.
This was also when Pearl Jam stopped doing videos and released things like Monkey Wrench radio which pre-internet days, was the greatest gift.
It was during this time that I saw Pearl Jam live in SF, Berkley, San Jose, and San Diego. The live shows cemented them as not just my favorite band, but my religion and therapist.
Indifference is still one of my favorite songs and one of the first songs I sang a few years ago when I was doing open mics. I remember sitting in our house in Novato with nothing but a candle and singing this song to the darkness. We were young and drunk and angsty and it felt right.
Vitology 1994
Speaking of Novato- it’s a year later and I am living at 1576 South Novato Blvd with Anthony, Josh and Einar. We had just met Felicia and soon Cortney, Lacey and Mary. Emily was around a lot and things were wild and free.
I remember I bought the vinyl because it came out two weeks earlier. I loved looking through the crazy artwork. We had wild loud parties with no neighbors or adults or any need for control or restraint. It is the freest I have ever felt in my life and songs like Whipping fueled this time in my life.
The music was getting more experimental, which was perfect for where I was emotionally. I was in a very experimental stage too and the break from their Ten sound was welcome. Songs like Tremor Christ and Last Exit were dark and brooding and fit the long car rides to work in Corte Madera.
More shows for this tour and this is when I got my Pearl Jam stick man tattoo. I was in deep.
No Code 1996
This is when people speculate that Pearl Jam tried to lose fans, by going very experimental. They brought Jack Irons on as drummer and the sound was very different. I loved the Polaroid art work and some of my favorite songs are on this album.
I was still in Novato when this album came out, and I remember long drives to Sacramento but Emily was drifting away and I was headed more and more to San Diego. Jason was back on this feet so to speak and to this day Off He Goes is our love song to each other. There is lots of Neil Young influence on the harder songs and this is when I saw them at Golden Gate Park with uncle Neil.
A lot of people probably stopped listening to Pearl Jam at this point, but songs like Sometimes, Present Tense and I’m Open held my attention.
This is probably around the time that Jeff and I rode his Honda motorbike from Sand Diego to the Bay Area to see Pearl Jam at the Bridge School Benefit for the first time.
Yield 1998
I am living on in San Francisco now. First in the Haight then South of Market. I’m working in restaurants and going to SFSU. I’m a year away from graduation and working hard and partying with new and different people. I remember cold rainy night coming home from night classes, writing crappy poetry books and reading. Reading. Reading.
Given to Fly is to this one of my favourites and songs like MFC and Faithful are staples in my commutes. Wishlist and Lowlight ended many long nights, alone in my room spinning in the dark.
This album will always remind of the days living in the City. There were less parties and group listening. We were old enough and had money to be in bars, so I listen to much of this album alone and on head phones. It was a warm coat during those cold foggy nights. I also remember sharing many of these songs with Chris.
Binaural 2000
I am living in a small hut and have met Mairin. We are in Mozambique. I am not sure how or when this CD made it to our little post office, but my favourite song off this album has always been Of The Girl. I remember countless nights writing letters in the glow of the kerosene lamps listening to Light Years and Nothing As It Seems.
These songs always transport me to those long African days. It’s the first time we hear Eddie on the Uke. I wasn’t able to listen to these songs very loudly, so I think the soft songs spoke to me more during this time.
Riot Act 2002
We are back in the US and living in NYC while going to grad school. I am a member of the International Socialist Organization selling news papers on the weekends and attending meetings. It’s the Bush years in America and Pearl Jam is more overtly political as am I.
Their sound is tight and maturing and a great blend of their styles. Songs like Love Boat Captain, I Am Mine and Thumbing My Way are still on constant rotation in my life.
Many of these songs were played at 5:30 am, cold winter days going to 176 st to teach in The Bronx. You Are still stands out as a crazy new sound they were experimenting with.
I saw them two nights in a row at MSG and was buying live show CDs of nearly five shows across the country. The Philadelphia show was a gem…nearly four hours.
Pearl Jam (The avocado album) 2006
Kaia was born this year and songs like Parachute and Come Back felt light and playful, like Pearl Jam had never sounded before.
This was the start of Doha before the anger really set in. The songs were wide open and free. Marker In The Sand and Life Wasted felt urgent and necessary in the desert.
This an album that I am listening to now as I write, remembering so many of the songs. At this point I am overseas and missing shows and tours. There are songs that hint to a different sound that I was not in love with. Songs like Inside Job and Gone.
Back Spacer- 2009
In a month from its release Skye is born and we will be leaving Doha soon and on to Jakarta. The Fixer was the song we played on constant rotation. Unknown Thought and Just Breathe are staples from this album. This is the first album where there are a few songs I really don’t like. Got Some and Force of Nature are hidden little gems.
I think this is the first album that becomes late stage Pearl Jam. Gone are the wild communal listening parties. I am listening to Pearl Jam much more alone these days. I am hoping for a solid five songs that I love from any album. I know there will be four or so that I will not get into and the rest….well they get a revisit every few years. Back Spacer delivers the six songs I needed from it and a few are favorites for sure.
Lightening Bolt 2013
We are now in Singapore and it has been a while since the last Pearl Jam album. Opening song Getaway and Pendulum are keepers for sure. Sirens becomes my immediate favorite and gets constant rotational play. Infallible and Yellow Moon feel like No Code style loose Pearl Jam and anchor this album.
This is my least favourite art work of all their records. There are a few duds on this one for sure, but also a sweet piano intro Future Days that feels rightfully middle age. I am a different man than I was in 1991 and so is this band.
We have grown up together. It’s like these later stage albums are the advice that Pearl Jam should have given their younger angrier selves. I have gone though so much with this band. They are the soundtrack of my life and I am thankful that to this day that they represent all my values. They have stayed true to their art, to their politics, to themselves and to their music.
I am so proud to be a life long fan.
And now after seven years, their new album drops tomorrow. I am not sure what stage of my life I am in. This virus has put us in a shitty place, so maybe we need new Pearl Jam music to carry us through.
They’ve released three single so far and while none of them have blown my mind, they are all different from each other and show the evolution of a band that has stayed together for decades and is still exploring what they have to say to the world.
Tomorrow night, I will make myself a drink or five. Get the lyrics ready and listen to every song three or four times.
I will think about the boy who was awaken by these riffs, these words, these prayers, and think about how blessed I am to have found my soulmate of a band in their prime and in my youth. And as we grow old together, I am lucky enough to enjoy a new album by such a remarkable band.
Either way, on the eve of the release of their eleventh studio album, I thought it appropriate to write up a quick timeline of each album's significance, what I was doing at the time and key songs that mark the time.
Ten- 1991
While Ten was released in August of 1991, it didn’t enter my world for a few months later. I was still infatuated with GnRs Use Your Illusions album and listening to a lot of Skynyrd. I had seen Man in the Box by Alice In Chains on 120 mins as my entry into grunge and Pearl Jam was not yet on my radar.
There is a infamous SNL performance, that we watched with friends, where I apparently said I didn’t really like Pearl Jam because they didn’t have “rhythm.”
Anyway….fast-forward a few months and we are about to graduate. Suddenly I had forgotten their lack of rhythm and Ten was my soundtrack of senior year. I listened to it all the time. I must have gone through four or five copies of this CD within a few years.
To this day, I still see Ten as the break from High School and my entry to the real world. Songs like Why Go, Once and Porch where main stays on my CD player for decades to come. To this day Black and Release feel as fresh and necessary as they did in 1992.
Vs- 1993
I had moved to San Diego and back to San Rafael. The SDSU frat scene was not for me and a longing for my high school girlfriend, found me back in my hometown. Anthony and I had our first apartment on 1313 fourth street. I was taking a few classes at College of Marin and working at Bank of America.
I remember skipping classes and work on the day this album came out and locking myself at home with it. I may have drank and ate and smoked a few things, and I listened to it non-stop for twelve house.
To this day it might be my favorite Pearl Jam album. Hearing Daughter and Elderly Woman for the first time were revelations. Leash and Blood and Rearview Mirror were the soundtrack songs of many late night moshing sessions in a variety of living rooms throughout the 90s.
This was also when Pearl Jam stopped doing videos and released things like Monkey Wrench radio which pre-internet days, was the greatest gift.
It was during this time that I saw Pearl Jam live in SF, Berkley, San Jose, and San Diego. The live shows cemented them as not just my favorite band, but my religion and therapist.
Indifference is still one of my favorite songs and one of the first songs I sang a few years ago when I was doing open mics. I remember sitting in our house in Novato with nothing but a candle and singing this song to the darkness. We were young and drunk and angsty and it felt right.
Vitology 1994
Speaking of Novato- it’s a year later and I am living at 1576 South Novato Blvd with Anthony, Josh and Einar. We had just met Felicia and soon Cortney, Lacey and Mary. Emily was around a lot and things were wild and free.
I remember I bought the vinyl because it came out two weeks earlier. I loved looking through the crazy artwork. We had wild loud parties with no neighbors or adults or any need for control or restraint. It is the freest I have ever felt in my life and songs like Whipping fueled this time in my life.
The music was getting more experimental, which was perfect for where I was emotionally. I was in a very experimental stage too and the break from their Ten sound was welcome. Songs like Tremor Christ and Last Exit were dark and brooding and fit the long car rides to work in Corte Madera.
More shows for this tour and this is when I got my Pearl Jam stick man tattoo. I was in deep.
No Code 1996
This is when people speculate that Pearl Jam tried to lose fans, by going very experimental. They brought Jack Irons on as drummer and the sound was very different. I loved the Polaroid art work and some of my favorite songs are on this album.
I was still in Novato when this album came out, and I remember long drives to Sacramento but Emily was drifting away and I was headed more and more to San Diego. Jason was back on this feet so to speak and to this day Off He Goes is our love song to each other. There is lots of Neil Young influence on the harder songs and this is when I saw them at Golden Gate Park with uncle Neil.
A lot of people probably stopped listening to Pearl Jam at this point, but songs like Sometimes, Present Tense and I’m Open held my attention.
This is probably around the time that Jeff and I rode his Honda motorbike from Sand Diego to the Bay Area to see Pearl Jam at the Bridge School Benefit for the first time.
Yield 1998
I am living on in San Francisco now. First in the Haight then South of Market. I’m working in restaurants and going to SFSU. I’m a year away from graduation and working hard and partying with new and different people. I remember cold rainy night coming home from night classes, writing crappy poetry books and reading. Reading. Reading.
Given to Fly is to this one of my favourites and songs like MFC and Faithful are staples in my commutes. Wishlist and Lowlight ended many long nights, alone in my room spinning in the dark.
This album will always remind of the days living in the City. There were less parties and group listening. We were old enough and had money to be in bars, so I listen to much of this album alone and on head phones. It was a warm coat during those cold foggy nights. I also remember sharing many of these songs with Chris.
Binaural 2000
I am living in a small hut and have met Mairin. We are in Mozambique. I am not sure how or when this CD made it to our little post office, but my favourite song off this album has always been Of The Girl. I remember countless nights writing letters in the glow of the kerosene lamps listening to Light Years and Nothing As It Seems.
These songs always transport me to those long African days. It’s the first time we hear Eddie on the Uke. I wasn’t able to listen to these songs very loudly, so I think the soft songs spoke to me more during this time.
Riot Act 2002
We are back in the US and living in NYC while going to grad school. I am a member of the International Socialist Organization selling news papers on the weekends and attending meetings. It’s the Bush years in America and Pearl Jam is more overtly political as am I.
Their sound is tight and maturing and a great blend of their styles. Songs like Love Boat Captain, I Am Mine and Thumbing My Way are still on constant rotation in my life.
Many of these songs were played at 5:30 am, cold winter days going to 176 st to teach in The Bronx. You Are still stands out as a crazy new sound they were experimenting with.
I saw them two nights in a row at MSG and was buying live show CDs of nearly five shows across the country. The Philadelphia show was a gem…nearly four hours.
Pearl Jam (The avocado album) 2006
Kaia was born this year and songs like Parachute and Come Back felt light and playful, like Pearl Jam had never sounded before.
This was the start of Doha before the anger really set in. The songs were wide open and free. Marker In The Sand and Life Wasted felt urgent and necessary in the desert.
This an album that I am listening to now as I write, remembering so many of the songs. At this point I am overseas and missing shows and tours. There are songs that hint to a different sound that I was not in love with. Songs like Inside Job and Gone.
Back Spacer- 2009
In a month from its release Skye is born and we will be leaving Doha soon and on to Jakarta. The Fixer was the song we played on constant rotation. Unknown Thought and Just Breathe are staples from this album. This is the first album where there are a few songs I really don’t like. Got Some and Force of Nature are hidden little gems.
I think this is the first album that becomes late stage Pearl Jam. Gone are the wild communal listening parties. I am listening to Pearl Jam much more alone these days. I am hoping for a solid five songs that I love from any album. I know there will be four or so that I will not get into and the rest….well they get a revisit every few years. Back Spacer delivers the six songs I needed from it and a few are favorites for sure.
Lightening Bolt 2013
We are now in Singapore and it has been a while since the last Pearl Jam album. Opening song Getaway and Pendulum are keepers for sure. Sirens becomes my immediate favorite and gets constant rotational play. Infallible and Yellow Moon feel like No Code style loose Pearl Jam and anchor this album.
This is my least favourite art work of all their records. There are a few duds on this one for sure, but also a sweet piano intro Future Days that feels rightfully middle age. I am a different man than I was in 1991 and so is this band.
We have grown up together. It’s like these later stage albums are the advice that Pearl Jam should have given their younger angrier selves. I have gone though so much with this band. They are the soundtrack of my life and I am thankful that to this day that they represent all my values. They have stayed true to their art, to their politics, to themselves and to their music.
I am so proud to be a life long fan.
And now after seven years, their new album drops tomorrow. I am not sure what stage of my life I am in. This virus has put us in a shitty place, so maybe we need new Pearl Jam music to carry us through.
They’ve released three single so far and while none of them have blown my mind, they are all different from each other and show the evolution of a band that has stayed together for decades and is still exploring what they have to say to the world.
Tomorrow night, I will make myself a drink or five. Get the lyrics ready and listen to every song three or four times.
I will think about the boy who was awaken by these riffs, these words, these prayers, and think about how blessed I am to have found my soulmate of a band in their prime and in my youth. And as we grow old together, I am lucky enough to enjoy a new album by such a remarkable band.
December 16, 2016
Holiday and Rebel Music
Listening to early Brice Springsteen and enjoying a beer. Friends are off to all corners of the earth and we are here, again, but looking forward to healing, resting reading, writing, watching, eating and just getting back to normal after that blitzkrieg we called November.
Although, I frown on violence, there is something very satisfying about reading the story about how Chad Smith’s wife (drummer from RHCP) attacked Scott Baio while yelling Grab’em by the pussy.
Last day of school was mellow and uneventful. I don’t have much to say tonight. I am feeling better. Good. Great. Gonna listen to some tunes, watch some shows, read and call it a night. I don’t have to wake up at any time tomorrow and we have nothing planned, but maybe a few hours by the pool.
Last night’s play list by the way made me feel pretty great. Forgot to share:
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given' a damn - I said never!
Although, I frown on violence, there is something very satisfying about reading the story about how Chad Smith’s wife (drummer from RHCP) attacked Scott Baio while yelling Grab’em by the pussy.
Last day of school was mellow and uneventful. I don’t have much to say tonight. I am feeling better. Good. Great. Gonna listen to some tunes, watch some shows, read and call it a night. I don’t have to wake up at any time tomorrow and we have nothing planned, but maybe a few hours by the pool.
Last night’s play list by the way made me feel pretty great. Forgot to share:
- Patti Smith- Because The Night
- Pearl Jam- Gimme Some Truth
- NOFX- You’re Wrong, Don’t Call Me White, Franco Un-American
- Dead Prez- Police State
- Public Enemy- Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos….
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given' a damn - I said never!
December 1, 2016
Fractured And Scattered
“An empty shell seems so easy to crack
Got all these questions don't know who I could even ask
So I'll just lie alone and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're looking at me.” Pearl Jam
It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. Especially when you are not at your best. Broken bones. Dampened spirit. Heavy funk. The fixes are not easy and they are seldom quick. It can take weeks, sometimes months to get your priorities back in order.
I think I am finally on the edge of moving some things around inside and coming up for air.
It’s hard to tell when this latest tailspin started for me. It is definitely been around for longer that last week’s broken bone. I was talking to my mom today. Telling her about how anxious I am to get back to work, back to my life, back to normal and she asked me if I thought that maybe this broken ankle was the universe’s way of telling me to slow down.
Stop. Think. Reevaluate. I shrugged my shoulders and let her words linger, afraid to think too deeply on them.
I thought back to when I stopped feeling so fantastic. Because at the end of the summer, I was at a peak. I was rested. Excited. Pumping on all cylinders. I had a great time with my family. Saw old friends. Spent time in the trees and great cities and towns. I was on fire. Life was great. So what happened?
My new role started off great and I am still loving it. School has been good. I am not super excited with how I am teaching, but the new responsibilities make up for my early curricular confusion. Work life is solid. Kids give me energy and my peers are as always top notch.
But early on with Karen’s passing, things went a bit off the tracks. That was emotionally taxing. My first real close death and the travel and the stress and the falling behind was a lot. I am not sure I really processed it all as soon as I hit the ground running back in Singapore. I would say that is when it started. All the death this year- Ali, Bowie, Prince. Twinkle.
Then off to Vietnam. A good conference, but I didn’t feel I was great. I was there. I did my thing, but it didn’t feel fresh or new or exciting to me. I felt stale and like I was faking it.
Then I started cheating a lot on my vegan choices and felt terrible about that, and then I think it all came to a boil on November 8th.
Three-way conferences and the election.
I became obsessed with the news and the plight of everyone affected. It felt like the world was going to end. I literally could not look at Trump’s face. I am not sure why this election hit me so hard, but it feels like the forces of darkness and evil are alive in the world. This is beyond politics. This is some cosmic shit. Like we are being swallowed by doom. Like something out of Lord of the Rings. Like everything we cherish and value and love is on trial and the courts are stacked against us. I internalized it all. Add that on to my existing issues that I already mentioned and I was spiraling downward without a way out.
For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know that I was allowing myself to slowly wallow in the downward spiral, toward the end of the year. That was plan. To let myself be gross and sad and just wait out 2016. Not healthy I know, but it felt easy and good and like I somehow deserved it. My second mom died and everything I find vile and repugnant was the president of my country. So I cold eat some McDonalds and feel sorry for myself.
Then I broke my ankle. After the first good day I had had in a while- there I was- skating along feeling the breeze, enjoying the sunset, feeling the concrete below my feet- I was contemplating the change, the rebirth and then I did something stupid: I tried to do more than I knew how to do and I was forced to stop it all.
A week in bed, no work but more anxiety, time to be alone and think, choking on the politics and I was getting worse. January 1st couldn’t come fast enough, but today something changed.
I watched a movie called Gleason about NFL star and ALS survivor and hero Steve Gleason. I cried almost non-stop from start to finish. I can’t say it plainly enough.
This movie will change your life.
There was so much I wanted to say as I watching it, but I am left a little in the blank right now. I still have a few big life changes coming up in January, that I am more and more excited about. I am still working out the details, but I am hoping that these new changes will allow me to refocus my goals on my priorities. To really spend my energy and life force on the things that truly matter to me, instead of scattering myself around too thin. That is a great image- The latter part of 2016 has left me scattered.
And thanks to this movie I feel I am raking up the leaves and ready to start putting some plans into action.
The next couple of weeks will still be about healing. Physically but also mentally. I am a literal metaphor right now of a fracture. School will come to an end and those anxieties will pass. I hope to reconnect with my family and try to celebrate Christmas joy. I am looking forward to seeing my in-laws and spending time with friends. We may or may not go to Thailand, but we will rest and heal and be well again. The future is looking bright.
This shittorm of a year is almost done and for that I am hopeful, but more importantly a new year is on the horizon. I am healthy (ish). I am loved. I am filled with the fire of life and I am tired of being burdened by sadness.
Do yourself a favor and watch Gleason right now! You will not regret it.
Got all these questions don't know who I could even ask
So I'll just lie alone and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're looking at me.” Pearl Jam
It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. Especially when you are not at your best. Broken bones. Dampened spirit. Heavy funk. The fixes are not easy and they are seldom quick. It can take weeks, sometimes months to get your priorities back in order.
I think I am finally on the edge of moving some things around inside and coming up for air.
It’s hard to tell when this latest tailspin started for me. It is definitely been around for longer that last week’s broken bone. I was talking to my mom today. Telling her about how anxious I am to get back to work, back to my life, back to normal and she asked me if I thought that maybe this broken ankle was the universe’s way of telling me to slow down.
Stop. Think. Reevaluate. I shrugged my shoulders and let her words linger, afraid to think too deeply on them.
I thought back to when I stopped feeling so fantastic. Because at the end of the summer, I was at a peak. I was rested. Excited. Pumping on all cylinders. I had a great time with my family. Saw old friends. Spent time in the trees and great cities and towns. I was on fire. Life was great. So what happened?
My new role started off great and I am still loving it. School has been good. I am not super excited with how I am teaching, but the new responsibilities make up for my early curricular confusion. Work life is solid. Kids give me energy and my peers are as always top notch.
But early on with Karen’s passing, things went a bit off the tracks. That was emotionally taxing. My first real close death and the travel and the stress and the falling behind was a lot. I am not sure I really processed it all as soon as I hit the ground running back in Singapore. I would say that is when it started. All the death this year- Ali, Bowie, Prince. Twinkle.
Then off to Vietnam. A good conference, but I didn’t feel I was great. I was there. I did my thing, but it didn’t feel fresh or new or exciting to me. I felt stale and like I was faking it.
Then I started cheating a lot on my vegan choices and felt terrible about that, and then I think it all came to a boil on November 8th.
Three-way conferences and the election.
I became obsessed with the news and the plight of everyone affected. It felt like the world was going to end. I literally could not look at Trump’s face. I am not sure why this election hit me so hard, but it feels like the forces of darkness and evil are alive in the world. This is beyond politics. This is some cosmic shit. Like we are being swallowed by doom. Like something out of Lord of the Rings. Like everything we cherish and value and love is on trial and the courts are stacked against us. I internalized it all. Add that on to my existing issues that I already mentioned and I was spiraling downward without a way out.
For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know that I was allowing myself to slowly wallow in the downward spiral, toward the end of the year. That was plan. To let myself be gross and sad and just wait out 2016. Not healthy I know, but it felt easy and good and like I somehow deserved it. My second mom died and everything I find vile and repugnant was the president of my country. So I cold eat some McDonalds and feel sorry for myself.
Then I broke my ankle. After the first good day I had had in a while- there I was- skating along feeling the breeze, enjoying the sunset, feeling the concrete below my feet- I was contemplating the change, the rebirth and then I did something stupid: I tried to do more than I knew how to do and I was forced to stop it all.
A week in bed, no work but more anxiety, time to be alone and think, choking on the politics and I was getting worse. January 1st couldn’t come fast enough, but today something changed.
I watched a movie called Gleason about NFL star and ALS survivor and hero Steve Gleason. I cried almost non-stop from start to finish. I can’t say it plainly enough.
This movie will change your life.
There was so much I wanted to say as I watching it, but I am left a little in the blank right now. I still have a few big life changes coming up in January, that I am more and more excited about. I am still working out the details, but I am hoping that these new changes will allow me to refocus my goals on my priorities. To really spend my energy and life force on the things that truly matter to me, instead of scattering myself around too thin. That is a great image- The latter part of 2016 has left me scattered.
And thanks to this movie I feel I am raking up the leaves and ready to start putting some plans into action.
The next couple of weeks will still be about healing. Physically but also mentally. I am a literal metaphor right now of a fracture. School will come to an end and those anxieties will pass. I hope to reconnect with my family and try to celebrate Christmas joy. I am looking forward to seeing my in-laws and spending time with friends. We may or may not go to Thailand, but we will rest and heal and be well again. The future is looking bright.
This shittorm of a year is almost done and for that I am hopeful, but more importantly a new year is on the horizon. I am healthy (ish). I am loved. I am filled with the fire of life and I am tired of being burdened by sadness.
Do yourself a favor and watch Gleason right now! You will not regret it.
September 18, 2016
Weirdly Self-Assured
We’ve been talking about albums in the car as we drive around this weekend. Mairin has been at the Google Summit, so that means there is some really loud music playing, air drums and guitar on the steering wheel, and singing going on as we traverse the island.
“Back in my day, artists put out albums. There was no Spotify or Youtube, so you could pick and choose random songs. You bought the album and listened to it as if it were one complete piece of art. You paid attention to the opening song. The last rack. The pacing of tempo from song to song. So we are not gonna hit shuffle on the Family Car playlist today, we are going to listen to an album from start to finish. This album is called Vs by Pearl Jam and the first song is called Go.”
We proceeded to listen to most of it at top volume for the rest of the day.
Later, we explored Ben Harper’s Fight For Your Mind.
“Do you know what oppression means? It is when one group of people holds another group of people down and doesn’t let them do what they want. Or they take their freedom.”
“Why would anyone want to do that?”
“That’s a really good question. Some people are just ignorant or scared or racist or all of those things and they can’t stand to see everyone happy and free. Anyway, that is what this song is about.”
We drove. We listened We went to sewing class and basketball. We picked up mommy from SAS. Twice!
After a nap of the dead, staying up till 3am is not okay for this aging body, Kaia and I were lounging on the couch when she asked if we could watch Lemonade by Beyonce. I had mentioned that I wanted her to see it, so I said okay and we watched.
It was weird and uncomfortable but in the best way. I so wanted to know what she was thinking as she saw the images, heard the poetry and listened to the songs. We listen to the album a lot in the car, so we are all well-versed with the lyrics and the themes, but to watch Beyonce takes things to a whole other level. She is so empowered and beautiful and amazing. So to watch Kaia watch her was a treat. There is nothing that is explicit or -obscenely sexual, so that was okay. There is some language, but we are always talking about the beauty of “bad” language and how it is not actually bad if you know when and how to use it. Skye was a bit shocked after the first few F-bombs, but we all got over it.
There is so much texture and richness in that film. The make up, costumes, dancing, music.
It is so exciting to share music and art with your kids. Expose them to it all and let their brains marinate in it. Soak it up. Be molded by it. I love High School Music, Tay Tay, and Kidz Bops as much as the next guy, but you gotta balance that out with some Perl Jam, Ben Harper and Queen Bey. I really we wish we had a record player so they could get the whole experience of losing yourself in an album.
…
In other news, I finally signed up for The Standard Charter Half Marathon. Last time around I swore to myself around kilometer 18 that I would never do that again, but here I am doing it. I am so behind on my training that it feels like I am starting over, but tomorrow it’s go times. Back to the routine. One step after another.
This week I will plan and organize my talk and workshop for Leaning 2 in Saigon in a few weeks. Lots of big ideas and broad brush stroke thinking going on, but time to pin it down and give it flesh.
My new profile pic epitomizes where I am right now. Looks a bit scared and tried but happy and excited. Confident but vulnerable. Worried but weirdly self-assured.
“Back in my day, artists put out albums. There was no Spotify or Youtube, so you could pick and choose random songs. You bought the album and listened to it as if it were one complete piece of art. You paid attention to the opening song. The last rack. The pacing of tempo from song to song. So we are not gonna hit shuffle on the Family Car playlist today, we are going to listen to an album from start to finish. This album is called Vs by Pearl Jam and the first song is called Go.”
We proceeded to listen to most of it at top volume for the rest of the day.
Later, we explored Ben Harper’s Fight For Your Mind.
“Do you know what oppression means? It is when one group of people holds another group of people down and doesn’t let them do what they want. Or they take their freedom.”
“Why would anyone want to do that?”
“That’s a really good question. Some people are just ignorant or scared or racist or all of those things and they can’t stand to see everyone happy and free. Anyway, that is what this song is about.”
We drove. We listened We went to sewing class and basketball. We picked up mommy from SAS. Twice!
After a nap of the dead, staying up till 3am is not okay for this aging body, Kaia and I were lounging on the couch when she asked if we could watch Lemonade by Beyonce. I had mentioned that I wanted her to see it, so I said okay and we watched.
It was weird and uncomfortable but in the best way. I so wanted to know what she was thinking as she saw the images, heard the poetry and listened to the songs. We listen to the album a lot in the car, so we are all well-versed with the lyrics and the themes, but to watch Beyonce takes things to a whole other level. She is so empowered and beautiful and amazing. So to watch Kaia watch her was a treat. There is nothing that is explicit or -obscenely sexual, so that was okay. There is some language, but we are always talking about the beauty of “bad” language and how it is not actually bad if you know when and how to use it. Skye was a bit shocked after the first few F-bombs, but we all got over it.
There is so much texture and richness in that film. The make up, costumes, dancing, music.
It is so exciting to share music and art with your kids. Expose them to it all and let their brains marinate in it. Soak it up. Be molded by it. I love High School Music, Tay Tay, and Kidz Bops as much as the next guy, but you gotta balance that out with some Perl Jam, Ben Harper and Queen Bey. I really we wish we had a record player so they could get the whole experience of losing yourself in an album.
…
In other news, I finally signed up for The Standard Charter Half Marathon. Last time around I swore to myself around kilometer 18 that I would never do that again, but here I am doing it. I am so behind on my training that it feels like I am starting over, but tomorrow it’s go times. Back to the routine. One step after another.
This week I will plan and organize my talk and workshop for Leaning 2 in Saigon in a few weeks. Lots of big ideas and broad brush stroke thinking going on, but time to pin it down and give it flesh.
My new profile pic epitomizes where I am right now. Looks a bit scared and tried but happy and excited. Confident but vulnerable. Worried but weirdly self-assured.
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