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a community:
laughs together.
plays together.
cries together.
drinks together.
works hard together.
slacks off together.
plans together.
makes mistakes together.
supports each together.
teaches together.
learns together.
accepts new members together.
says goodbye together.
picks up the slack together.
holds each other accountable together.
has fun together.
eats lunch together.
listens together.
celebrates together.
mourns together.
and does a whole bunch of
other things together.

The Gentle Solitude Of Sleep

The cursor is blinking and the page is blank.

The day comes back to me in snippets and chunks.
There was a lot of driving: Kaia to sewing. Us to Wild Honey. Back to get Kaia. Back home. Skye to birthday party. Lots of time on the highway.


At one point I was blasting Siamese Dreams and Mellon Collie to Kaia as we drove in silence. She seemed to enjoy it. Not sure how much she absorbed…

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth

…but I am hoping it was enough.

Had dinner at Artichoke with old and new friends. Put on the smile. Listened to the talk. Tried to join in. These communities and families we have created continue to grow and need tending. How did we get here? Where are we headed? Can I still tag along?

Now home. It is early(ish) Saturday night. An ice cold glass of water. Some Halloween candy and the promise of a few pages of fiction before the gentle solitude of sleep.

Search Of The Void

I started running east on East Coast park toward the sailing club and the airport. I wasn’t sure how far I was going to go, but I felt good out of the gates and decided not to look at my watch for as long as I could.


The sun was low in the sky and a soft breeze eased the normal humid assault and my run began smooth. All systems were a go. I was no longer worried that my short three week hiatus had done any permanent damage. My legs, lungs, heart and mind were all sound and I was running in search of the “void” as Murakami calls it. My thoughts were light and nimble and didn’t linger too long in my head. I was running light and fresh, and I made it well passed the sailing club, all the way out of East Coast park, near where the craziness starts at the airport. I had run for nearly an hour and 8kms without looking at my watch once. This is rare for me and it felt good.


I did not stop at this point and was able to get to 10km pretty easily. I love that 10km has become my new 5km. It hurts and it is not super easy, but I can run 8-10 pretty comfortably at this point.


I was cruising at a steady clip when the running path ended and I wasn’t sure where to go. There were a few big on-ramps and I figured that I could simply do a loop and run a few kilometers along the side of the ECP freeway and make my way back to the park and get home in around 13km.


I was running along side the ECP when I saw a sign that said Changi Airport. What the hell? I realised I had run in the wrong direction. Too tired and confused to turn around, (I guess I didn't learn that lesson the other day) I just kept going. Until the PIE exit, which brought me back into the Changi Industrial Park and eventually back to Xilin Road and the Expo. Meanwhile for most of that section I had no ideas where I was. I was simply walking and running and making my way forward. It felt tiring but forceful. I was accruing mileage step by step.


I was meant to be home much earlier as it was my turn to make dinner for the kids, but I knew I wanted to get to 15km. I had come all this way and I couldn’t just hop in a cab yet. Eventually, I hit 15.35km averaging about 7:10 minutes a kilometer. At this point, I was so late and the cab was so easy that I hopped in and went home. I could have pushed a nit more, but nonetheless this run felt pretty damn perfect.


This is the farthest I have ever run and there is no major damage; the body and mind are sound. I will play in this 10-15km range for a few runs and then push one out to two hours and 17km. This Half-Marathon is beginning to feel doable.


…

One easy way to get to know students and brighten their day in a very simple way is to stand outside your classroom before and after classes and greet them as they walk in and say good bye as they walk out. You can also chat kids up as they walk by. A few high-fives, good mornings, what you up to’s or a random piece of ongoing conversation can go a long way. I have many nods and hellos and hallway connections with kids I don’t even teach. It often puts me in a better mood to be out there. Sure I can hunker down in my room and catch up on email or check Facebook, but I have made an effort this year to be out there and visible and it has been fantastic.


This hallway time can be a great time to let kids know that there are people in their daily lives at school who will say hello and smile at them. In a big busy school, sometimes just that little bit of attention can go a long way. It is also a good time to remind kids about things you’ve brought up in the passed or ask about how a rehearsal is going or how a game they played went.


It can be a time to connect student projects and ideas. I have a 7th grade girl in my class who is a very talented singer and after Soul Asylum, where she sang an original song, I asked her to send me an mp4. She did and it is fantastic. I also have a group of kids who have been helping document our work at Off Tangent by recording promo videos and other events we ask them to cover. They are a voluntary, in-house film production crew and they call themselves Zeelo.


Anyway, this morning I saw the singer and mentioned how blown away I was by her song and how I wished there was a video for it, so more people could experience it. I asked if she would be interested in such an idea. She is shy and not very sure, but she shrugged and said that would be cool. I told her about Zeelo and asked if she would mind if I asked Zeelo about maybe making a video for her. She said that would be a cool idea.


Minutes later I ran into the main person in Zeelo and asked if she would be interested in shooting and directing a music video. She said of course. So tomorrow in the hallway, I will tell the singer that the connection has been made, I will connect them via email and hopefully Zeelo will shoot her video. None of this would be possible if I wasn't out in the hall, mingling and chatting up the kids.

…

I am currently rocking a goatee and weird long side burns look. If you are wondering why I would do this to my face, when it is not even Movember, let me clear the air. The first and most obvious answer is I don’t know. I am bored I guess. I don’t want to see them same face in the mirror everyday.


But if that excuse is not enough, as I am sure it s not for Mairin here are a few other reasons in no particular order:

• I will be involved in a Big Lewbowski night this Friday and some kind of weird facial hair seems like an obvious pre-requisite. 
• I am prepping for a healthy beard and giving the slower growing sections a head start. 
• I can. 
• I was inspired by the weird facial hair in the film Everybody Wants Some. 

Did I mention I am bored?

Bigger Pieces of You

One of my favorite toys as a kid was my dad’s wine opener. It was one of the ones that has two long arms that rise as you twist the cork; I used to pretend it was a scrawny metal robot doing jumping jacks. I used to grab it from the table on Saturday mornings from the rest of the debris as my parents slept upstairs. The smell of stale smoke and wine fumes in the air. Glasses laced with ruby rings and overflowing ash trays. The stereo was still on and a Neil Young record sat gathering dust. The low grade buzz silenced as I turned it off and sleeved the vinyl to make sure it was safe.


I would lay on my stomach and use the wine opener to attack Luke as if it was a droid from Tatoonine. Until of course Han Solo would come and save Luke yet again and defeat the wine-opener droid.


My childhood was lonely but happy. Filled with hours of solitary play. I don’t ever remember anyone actually actively playing with me. I often entertained myself on the periphery of political debates, long hours in the darkroom and empty Saturday mornings.

…

I took some kids from my Mentor class to dinner and laser tag tonight. Not everyone could make it, and it was the smallest group I have taken out to date, but they had a blast. It was a good reminder that all connections and teaching need not always be for every kid all the time. You spot teach and connect with those who need it when you can. This random group of six kids tonight, would not have been out together if it wasn’t for our outing. And a few of them probably would not have been out at all. We ate, We chatted. We shot each other with lasers and then we went our separate ways.


If you want to build community and connect to kids they need to trust you and they will never trust you if they only see you in teacher mode. They need bigger pieces of you. Some people might not agree or not have the time, but the truth is that the student teacher relationship is a human one, and as humans we need to let down our guard and relinquish the authority teacher student dichotomy. You want a kid to trust you, they need to know you. I know that an few hours eating Nando’s and running around in the dark is not enough for this kind of connection but it is a step in the right direction.

…

“Wow I didn’t know guitars could sound like that.” Kaia listening to the solo at the end of Seven Nation Army on the way to McRitche today. She has been obsessed with the song since she saw a middle school mad play it at Sound Asylum.


I was so proud of my girls for hiking the trail with zero complaints. Kaia even had blisters and she sucked it up. They were wet and muddy and hot and sweaty and all into the creeks and trails and having fun in the jungle.


Kids need so much more time in nature than we give them. Living in a city and following an intense structured international school system, our kids need dedicated consistent time running and playing in the mud. Free to get dirty and make mistakes and take risks.

…

I closed my eyes and thought of a memory:


I was living in Mission Beach with Jeff in a one bedroom place that housed his motorbike in the living room. I can’t recall how long we lived there or where I slept. Did I have a room? A bed? That detail feels unimportant. I do remember flooding the floor one night. Riding his bicycle to Caroline’s house for a keg- me on the handle bars screaming and waving away the people. I remember cockroaches and the darkness, but somehow seldom the ocean. Why did I not learn to surf in those days or ever swim in the wave? I worked at a series of shitty jobs and called you on the payphone from across the street because I was lonely and only your voice seemed to make it all go away.

Cultivate Joy

I’m staring at this blank white screen, ignoring most of my random thoughts, trying to make one stick, while listening to an album of Elliott Smith covers by Seth Avett and Jessica Lee Mayfield. My eyes burn a touch and my shoulders ache. I managed to get some work done tonight but the 10km run home from school has me feeling lethargic again.

I am unhealthy obsessed with this election, but I don’t know why- I don’t even live in America. What the hell do I care? But I have been reading articles, and Facebook updates, and Tweets and watching videos and analysis and it all seems too insane to handle.

Apparently Anonymous is going to “destroy” Trump, but I’m not holding my breath. They seem to make a lot of vows, but I haven’t seen to many take-downs.

This is all I got for politics tonight:

Can’t Trump how Trumpin Trump Trump’s Trump is. Who will Trump us from Trump’s Trumping Trump Trump.

…

During break time today, some kids were playing basketball with a crumpled sheet of paper and the recycling bin. As they played, I ran to deflect a shot and was hit in the eye. Using my best melodramatic skills, I fell to the floor and started screaming. The ten or so kids in my room thought it was hilarious, and we all laughed. It was a perfect authentic moment.

A few minutes later, I was in the hall and noticed some grade six kids playing a game called Bean Boozled- you spin a wheel that indicates which jelly bean you should eat. They look the same but taste differently. I asked to play. I spun the wheel had to choose between peach or barf. Oh, did I not mentioned that one of the flavours is disgusting? I ate a bean….and yup you guessed it- it tasted like barf. I pretended to throw up and we all laughed.

In a matter of fifteen minutes I reminded myself why I teach. This is how you build trust and community and relate to kids. You make yourself vulnerable and stupid, and you make them laugh. They moment you stop making kids laugh you might as well do something else.

It was a good break. Back in class, I conferred with a a girl who is comparing the male relationships in The Kite Runner and Aristotle and Dante, while another student was comparing and contrasting the racial themes in To Kill A Mocking Bird with White Privilege by Macklemore.

…

The nights go by so fast. Home. Run. Dinner. Kids asleep. Some work. Some writing. Some TV. Some reading. Some Sleep. Habits lead to accomplishing goals, but routines can kill souls. I wonder if next term, I need to establish occasional midweek weirdness.

Meet a neighborhood friend for a beer. (Claire, Lee, Scott, Luke, Richard) Catch a movie. Go for a swim, a walk, a bike ride…something to break up the routine. My routine has been good up to now, but I cannot read political internet every night and want to tear my insides out every night before sleep.

I need to cultivate joy. Any ideas?

Back Home

I am often confused about what is personal or professional, and running two blogs, I am never sure what belongs where. My latest project really straddles the line. It was born on Intrepid Flame, but has since moved to my teaching blog. You can read the story here, but I wanted the video to also have a home on the Flame.

I Won't Bite

I often receive anonymous comments here on Intrepid Flame, and I really wish I didn't. I am not sure what it is about signing your name to your words online that scares people, but I am hoping I can find a way to help alleiviate that anxiety.

The anonymous comments I receive are not spiteful, quite the contrary- they are often very kind and emotional. The purpose of maintaining a blog, sorry let me not sound so universal, the purpose of this blog is to share my inner battles with life- the joys, struggles, beauty and pain in order to connect with like minded people. I would love to interact with as many people who read this blog as possible.

There is a certain level of insecurity, vanity, and desperation that comes with pulling your own insides out. So when someone writes something like the comment I received today:

Thanks for your continued writings, it has helped me through some hard times.

kindred spirit.

I would love to know who it is, so we can continue the conversation, continue buidling the relationship. I understand that going public can make you feel exposed and vulnerable, furthermore, I understand that not everyone is ready for this kind of publicity, but I ask that if you must leave an anonymous comment, please try to leave at least a first name if you are a friend or family, or email me a quick note.

I write to connect. It feels great to know you are reading and that I am helping you, but I would love to take it to the next level. I am honored and proud that anyone reads at all, but remember you do not have to hide.

image By Annemarie Vriends

Come on out, I won't bite. How do other bloggers feel about anonymous comments? Readers, why do you choose to remain anonymous?

Karvt Rocks

I have been known to bad mouth the very notion of business once or twice here on my blog. The overall nastiness of the bottom-line corporate mentality has always left a bad taste in my mouth. With the Wal-Martification and fast food style “efficiency” of almost every aspect of our commercial lives, it is no wonder that many of us feel disenfranchised, disgusted with, and tried of the corporate business world.

Gone are the days of mom and pop shops, and small business who are doing it right; creating quality goods at affordable prices and worried more about costumer satisfaction and relationships than the all mighty profit margin. They take pride in their work and want you to be happy. When we are faced with such establishments, we are often reminded of how life could be if we were all in it for each other instead of the next quarter report.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that when you own a business you need to make money. I grew up in a household that was funded by how well our business did. I can remember many a Christmas season where our whole family would stay up till past midnight cutting and packaging school photos. My father was a photographer who worked from home. I still remember the arguments my parents would have because my dad would agree to re-do an entire package because a costumer was not happy with the final results.

“These pictures reflect my work and the way we treat people is how our business will grow. A couple of dollars lost here on paper and supplies will come back ten fold when they share with their friends the way we treated them.”

I share this story because I recently encountered such a business, and I feel it is my responsibility to pas s on the good word. So often, we only complain when our needs have not been met, and business like Karvt deserve our good cheer just as much.

Their about page says it all:

KARVT is owned by mac enthusiasts, Kurt Barbee and Sean Herman. Sean is a designer by trade but also a scratch deejay and skateboarder at heart. He’s traveled the world making music with some of biggest and best performing artists around such as the Godfather of soul, James Brown and Grammy Award Winning artists Arrested Development. His love of all things design, coupled with his constant monitoring of “all things fresh”, have led him to become a “go to” guy when someone seeks the services of a multi-disciplinary designer. Kurt is someone who has always been a huge fan of technology and has been inspired by the DIY attitude of the indie rock, punk and gig-poster subcultures. Kurts interest in computers and art finally merged a couple years ago when he started his own laser engraving company, which specialized in collaborating with artists from all over the world to extend their work in the new, exciting medium of “laser engraving”. These two decided to take their unique skill sets and produce a tangible product that employed aspects of beautiful design along with cutting edge technology.

They go on to say:

We believe…

because our mac protects our livelihoods. Whatever that may be. Career, hobby, leisure-whatever it is, it’s in our mac. Our mac takes on our personality and its hard drive supplements our memory. These pieces of hardware come together and create a partner who not only listens but makes things more convenient for our daily lives. We constantly put our personalities into our computers, why not put some of that person on the outside?

Finally about the product:

Our skins are personally hand-crafted and offer our customers a simple and effective way to completely remodel their computer. Our skins are made of 100% real wood, which is both sustainable and eco-friendly. We use a professional grade 3M backing adhesive that sticks perfectly to your notebook that offers lasting results for a perfect skin.


All sounds good right? Especially if you can convince yourself that it is okay to spend $35 on a sticker for your computer, but read on to see why I am writing this post.

After waiting ten days for my skin to arrive, I was beyond disappointed because it didn’t fit correctly. I am still not sure if it was my mistake or theirs. They offer two sizes on their web site a 15” Mac Book Pro Unibody or a 15” Mac Book Pro regular. I wasn’t sure which one I had, so I looked on the box and it said Unibody frame, so naturally that is what I chose. Wrong one, obviously. The skin is too big. Here is our email exchange:

hi guys,

I just received my new skin and it looks fantastic. I live in Qatar so it took a while to get here, only problem is that it is the wrong size. I wasn't sure if my MBP was a unibody, so I looked on the box and it said it was and that is what I ordered. Apparently that was not the right size. The skin looks way too big. Does it bend? There is room around the apple, so I am sure it is the wrong size.

Can I send it back and get the right size? I doubt it will make it back to Qatar in time as I am moving, but if you say I can send it back. I will see when you get it and see where we are then. Maybe you can send it to an address in the States.

You have been great so far, so I really hope we can make this work. You can imagine how much it sucks to pay $35 wait for it to get here and not be able to use it.

Please email me back soon.

Less than twelve hours later:

Hi Jabiz,

I apologize for the confusion here. If you haven't already removed the
backing and put it on your computer, please don't but put it in place on
the machine and snap a picture for me.

Either way, we'll work it out so that you're happy with your Karvt skin. :)

Thanks,

Kurt

Me:

Here are the pics. Let me know the next step. I leave Doha on July 3rd and lose my post office box here. So I need to send it back ASP and decide where to send the new one. Or if you want to be super cool, you can send me a new one today to the address you have. Should make it in time and trust that I will send the old back to you.

Thanks guys

I was pushing my luck a bit here, but look at how they responded:

Hey jabiz,

don't sweat sending it back, I'm going to send out another one for you. I
just need the photos for my records. :)

have a nice weekend!

Kurt

And there you have it folks- People who get it. They make a superior product, they are down to earth, unique and know how to treat their costumers. I am not sure how many more times I will need to buy a special skin for a laptop, but I will definitely keep Karvt on my radar. I know I don’t have a huge readership, but I hope that someone who reads this will get a Karvt product too. Did you just get a new iPad or looking for a gift. Check out their store. Remember it may be a bit vain and superficial to buy a sticker for your Mac product, but it is better to support people like Kurt than to pay five bucks for some piece of crap assembly lined produced product and have to waste your time in a soulless customer service maze if something goes wrong.

If want a world filled with great small businesses, then we must support them, even if it costs a bit more, whenever we can. Thanks Karvt. I will post a picture of my Mac when I get the new skin.