338/365

the thing about pain and anger
and disappointment and failure
is that even when they’re burning red hot,
you might eventually be able to ignore
their power and drift
into joy and amnesia. but
their negative power simmers
waiting for you to forget,
let your guard down:
just as you think the affliction is over
you remember just how much you hate yourself.
you marvel at the ineptitude
of the things you’ve spent
your life trying to be good at.

286/365

it feels impossible
to breathe knowing
we are all so intricately
flawed. secretly mocking
sin and redemption myths,
believing we’re more
than tangled hypocrisies.
what moral light
flickers in this darkness
of secrets and fumbling
right words?
there is much talk of stones-
thrown from glass houses
and who casts the first one.
everyone has an opinion
about everyone and everything,
but oppression is fact
and intent will never match impact.
even the things we love
are rotten at the core.
any mirror can show you that.

Errant Bullets

Here is a chance to let spill a few random thoughts a bit passed ten in late August whilst listening to Leonard Cohen in order to clear my head and rattle this rusty cage to try and free a few ideas from their slumber.

Sometimes I get too hung up on news stories about incompetence and ignorant criminality, that I forget that I can create a universe of verse anytime I want. I just have to sit focus on my mind and the words it might conjure. No about of exhaustion should ever get in the way of the attempt to create something from nothing. The faith in anything, in many things, in these little things can be all I need on nights when I’m left tattered from the teaching and parenting and from simply being me. Buried beneath the weight of self, pushing these words onto to you to help carry the burden, seems to help.

The thoughts ricochet like errant bullets:

I really hope the Raiders sign Kalil Mack before the season starts. I don’t have to have an opinion about everything or feel the need to respond to every one of his idiotic tweets.

A school is a collective place that is not ever meant to be perfect. It’s an exercise in evolution and everyone plays a part. Let some things go.

If I want to learn about mindfulness and I want to teach mindfully, I must practice and take the time to be present. That doesn’t mean fast forwarding videos or doing other things to save time.

I want to make a T-shirt that says, "It’s not work, it’s teaching."

Every moment, everyday in the classroom in front of those kids has the potential to be magical and I cannot allow the mystical to become the mundane.

Listen more. Listen More. Listen more and actually care.

Don’t be so frustrated with kids. Argue less. Give in more. Use your voice to reassure those around you and emit peace through word, action and thoughts. Give yourself a break.

You’re doing alright.

Your thoughts matter even without the likes, even if no one sees them. Give them shape, wrap them in syntax, but don’t worry too much about how they’re received.

Write more. Write more often. Write more

Three weeks have passed. Get back to the novel. If you can’t run, go for walks. Remember when you used to play at open mic? What happened to the nervous thrill of the stage? What songs would you sing in 2018?

This is it. This is the moment where you start. This is your life and it is passing, every time you complain about being tired or overwhelmed. Now is the time to be the better dad, husband, teacher or friend. Now is the time to be the best you.

The way you interact with those around you: kids, wife, students, colleagues is who you are, so do it with intention and love and peace and attention.

None of this matters. Hit delete. It’s all self-help gibberish. But what if someone likes it? Are you doing this for that validation or because you needed to clear the cobwebs? Can’t it be both? You are a vain insecure narcissist who does most things for attention. Even your honesty and vulnerability reeks of an attention seeking scam.

Please stop being so cruel. I need you to be kind to me.

I need to work my way through these thoughts, and to me that has always meant sharing. It makes me feel less alone, less helpless to know that someone out there understands.

Sleep well friend.

Tender Act

Instilling confidence in a 12 year old girl is a tender, intricate and vital act. It is not easy, but everyday we work at it.

_________________________________________________________________________________

You were at your desk drawing tonight frustrated because the drawing wasn’t perfect, and you said, “if it wasn’t perfect nobody would like it,” and although you didn’t say it, I have been teaching long enough and alive long enough to know that your statement actually meant, “if I’m not perfect, no one will like me.”

I am not sure how to prove to you that this thinking is false. Maybe some part of it is is true, there will be people who will not like you. They’ll have a litany of reasons and few of them will have anything to do with you. I know what it’s like to be in seventh grade and want to be noticed, accepted, liked. The alternative feels so lonely. But what other people think matters much less than who you think about yourself.

Everyone else seems so much more beautiful and smart and talented and athletic and artistic. How do they do it? How does the world seem so well put together and you feel so raw and broken and unfinished?

You ready for the secret? The truth?

The answer beyond the cliche bullshit of 10,000 hours of practice and growth mindset?

The answer is that they are not.

The world is a mess and so is everyone in it. We are all riddled with anxiety and insecurity and feeling small and inadequate and imperfect. We all just have different ways of masking it.

The first step is not to care too much what everyone thinks. Then maybe you can move onto not caring what anyone thinks. You are in a state of flux, of growth, of change, of evolution. We all are. All the time. Forever.

You cannot be overly concerned with how you appear to be in the eyes of others, until you learn to love the person you are becoming when you look in the mirror. This is no easy task, but you need to dedicate your life to loving yourself.

I can tell you that you are beautiful and perfect and smart and wonderful and the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can hope that you will believe me and trust me and love me for loving you, but the road forward can be a lonely one. You will need to find yourself by yourself. I am here to help you and guide you and share my wisdom and experience, and I will never leave you alone or abandon you, but there is only so much I can tell you or show you, before you need to face yourself and accept and love what you see.

You might not draw the way you want. Or look the way you want. Or be as popular as you want. Or have that one true friend, but this too shall all pass. I was a scrawny, lonely, miserable little dude when I was your age, but there was a fire in my belly. I’m not sure where that fire came from or who put it there, but once I felt it’s heat I fanned those flames to see me through the hard times. Even now, as an adult there are days when loving myself is not so easy, but despite my own constant evolution, I am here to help you find a way to recognise your flame and learn how to blow it into an inferno.

I think we both need to be patient. A few things that I hope you keep in mind- the advice that I give you is not nagging or judging or criticism of who you are.  My wisdom is born of experience and delivered from love. From the second you were born, all I have wanted was for you to be who you were meant to be. Lately, I feel that I am letting you down. Every parenting move feels like a misstep, but we are a team and this phase of your life shall blend into the next, and we will work through it together.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Be kind and patient with yourself. 
• Becoming you takes time and can sometimes hurt. 
• Everyone carries a heavy load be nice to them. 
• As soon as you figure one thing out there are a million news things begging to be explored.  
• Music cures most things and what it doesn’t that’s what books are for.
• Most of confidence is just pretending to be confident. 
• No one knows what they’re doing and most people are terrified most of the time. 
• Envision who you want to be and walk toward that person. 
• It’s okay to feel anxious. 
• You are not alone.
• You can always talk to me. 
• I will never judge you. 
• I love you. 

This Way

I’m not eating well; my addiction to the McDonald’s Mc Crunch knows no bounds. I am back to eating Indian everyday instead of salads. I can barely remember the last time I ran and cannot remember the last time I enjoyed it. I have a half-marathon coming up and at this point I might just walk the whole thing in some weird pre-dawn act of cleansing and meditation.


I haven’t read any YA and have been taking forever to read Here I Am, the latest novel, by Jonathan Safron Foer. I can’t stop reading articles and tweets about the Trump transition team and the circus that surrounds it. I am a political junkie and while I thought things wold ease up after November 8th, I am now realizing I need a more sustainable plan for how I will handle the next four years. I cannot spend this much energy on anger and frustration.


I am not parenting well. Not spending quality time with my kids. Not talking to them deeply or listening closely. I am there but distracted. I haven't been the best friend. Beyond shouting my daily rants, I haven’t touched based or written long personal emails to friends who matter. My teaching feels mediocre and I don’t feel 100% connected or present- in the planning or delivery of my work.


I’m barely playing guitar, beyond a few strums in the morning, and I haven’t done an open mic all year. There aren’t a batch of songs that I am trying to master. The chords feel shrill and discordant. My voice shallow and off key.


I lack confidence in how I look, feel and walk. I feel like I am wearing a thin mask which only reveals my insecurities and frustration with my mood. The days are running into weeks and months.


I have been eating many many baked goods and donuts and barely register vegan guilt as I do. I have made it okay to “cheat” here and there and then there and there again and again. I eat chocolate and have forgotten where I put my soapbox.


I haven’t been paying enough attention to my wife. Asking her how she is. Offering to help out. Giving her gentle kisses or nudges or any indication that I care about anything but myself.


I have been selfish and self-loathing to a point of delirium.


I am not sure where or how this downward spiral began, but I look forward to crawling out of it soon. I have set January 1st for some hard changes. I know I should start now, but I am allowing myself the luxury wallowing for a few more weeks.


It’s Wednesday after a 13 hour day, sandwiched between two working weekends in November and all is as it should be. I can’t imagine too many teachers who aren’t feeling this way.