Friday Humour - Royal Navy News

Royal Navy News

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
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MoD reveals design of Royal Navy future warships

The design of the Royal Navy's latest warship has been revealed by the UK Ministry of Defence. The announcement on the Type 26 Global Combat Ship has been described by officials as a "significant milestone" in a programme which will support "thousands of UK shipbuilding jobs". Basic specification images show sleek stealth features, familiar to modern warships, making them harder to detect. The ship will be 148 metres long with a displacement of 5,400 tonnes. Link
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Comment:  Nice ship, very futuristic looking.
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HMS Vanguard

An interesting web site about the life and times of the Royal Navy’s last battleship HMS Vanguard. She must have made an impressive sight when in-service. Link
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Remembering the M2 submarine disaster 80 years on

The submarine sits silently on the seabed. Inside, the bodies of 58 sailors still rest, 80 years after the vessel sank in the English Channel off Dorset. Now some of their family members hope to sail out to the wreck to mark the anniversary of the tragedy. HMS M2 was the world's first underwater aircraft carrier, but it went down with the loss of all 60 hands - including two airmen - in 1932. See the BBC web site for more on this story. Link
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