I thought I knew everything about trauma. After a few years, I thought I have it in control. No, I didn’t. I tried to smile, tried to be nice by saying it is ok… but left alone, I cry, I shiver, my body, my hands, tremble. My trauma dated few years back and it came back just now. And, again Alhamdulillah… I am thankful to God, syukur, nothing worse happened…
2nd august 2002.
I was riding my sister’s motorbike from home, from Bt Mertajam to my campus in Penang island. It was one of the rare occasions I ride motorbike on Penang bridge. It was my second time and I insisted to ride despite parents and sister asking me not to.
Personally, I hated it, the strong winds and vulnerability of being on only two wheels. I had a strange hunch, I was worried, but I went on with the plan. The bridge ended, me taking the left fork of the bridge. I rode to the right side of the road as I needed to take right immediately.
Side mirror! I saw a small lorry (lori angkut) approaching very fast as I was nearing right. Too fast, I knew I couldn’t go pass, I tried to avoid by going back left. The lorry passed… but it neared left, the back of the lorry hit my front tyre. Losing control, together with the bike, kissed the road and stretched a few metres. I fell on my right side, feeling the heat and burn from the contact with the road. I was sliding with the bike, and my face felt hot… I thought my face was burning.
Only a few seconds… but it felt like forever. My mind was busy thinking of so many things… and some of them didn’t make sense. My dad’s face came into picture, him trying to stop me from riding the bike, feeling guilty if anything that happened to me will affect his health. My sister… her bike… what should I tell her. The cars... what if the cars on the bridge hit me from behind before I got up. the extra helmet… my brother in law’s helmet… it went flying off… He’s not gonna be happy about it… My face… I’m gonna be scarred… if I survived…
Then the bike finally stopped sliding. I got up quickly and looked behind, ready to run if any cars were there to hit me. Looking at the cars slowing down... I stood there, blank. The lorry driver pulled over, maybe 50 metres away, and came to check. A few cars and bikes stopped, pulled over, and one of them approached me.
“Adik… kenapa dik” (weird question to ask)
“Accident” (too obvious to be an answer)
I was in shock… “Saya accident” I said again, and to my horror, saw a small pool of blood in my sandals. “Helmet saya” showing at the direction where my brother’s helmet flew away. At that time, I was not thinking about myself, I was more worried about people who might get affected by that incident.
“Adik… duduk dulu” someone held me and brought me to the side. Then, everything came back to me. Ya Allah… a lorry just hit me… and tears just gushed out. The driver tried to divert his fault, but with shaking voice defended “Dia langgar saya…” he seemed panicked, he offered to pay for expenses.
One abang with his wife, drove me to a clinic nearby, the lorry driver’s friend rode the bike to a mechanic shop. I called a few guy friends; I needed someone to check out the bike. All of them not answering, until I got this friend, who later became one of my bestfriends starting from that incident. Bukh came to the clinic, causing him to miss his Friday prayers. Sent me back to my hostel, my girl friends came to calm me. I was crying all day… out of regrets, anger, terror, worries… u name it. Later at night, Bukh and Yein sent me and my bike back home. Terhutang budi... Still remember Atun helping me shampoo every 2 days for 2 weeks... Alisa helping with the classes, projects, and assignments... and all supporting friends... Thanks frenss... and of course... FAMILY.... :*
The mechanic said I escaped death… I say its qadak dan qadar... Btw, I did escape with minor injuries… some deep wound and some scratches here and there… and the scars are still visible until today. My face was saved by the helmet visor… Chills on my nerves looking at the visor… deep scratch on the surface. What if the visor was not there? What if my bike got entangled to the lorry? What if a car came from behind? Too many what ifs… after a while, I stopped thinking about what if and focus on what shoulds….
2nd worst wound i had... the worst one was a deeper wound at my kneecap which took 2 months to totally dry. This photo was taken a week after my accident.
Appreciate life… learn to listen to people… trust hunches… and most importantly… no more bikes on bridge!
After the incident, first time coming back to penang island, my parents drove me there. I passed the accident spot… and I just started crying. 2-3 times… passing the place… I cried!
4-5 months before I could sit on a bike, and a year before I could ride on my own… but only for short distance. That was all due to trauma!
If a lorry comes too close… even if I am driving, I feel scared… and memory of the accident comes back. Only until recent years, the feeling started to go off.
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And earlier TODAY... (19th Feb 09)
I was hit by a car….
while crossing the road on foot, in my campus. The trauma came back! I keep crying… and I keep trembling.
Right now.. I am feeling better already, since I am back, in comfort of being at home.
I just needed to pour out this weird feeling of being very insecure.
My day started with me stumbling in the toilet, knocking my head on the pvc pipe, causing a mild bruise. I had a bad feeling about it. I had several things in mind, needed to settle some errands, so I just ignored it.
I was busy running some errands, and later settled for lunch. After lunch, parked at the masjid area, Azrul and Rash who carpooled, went to masjid whereas I headed back to my lab. It is not a big road, just crossing to get to the School.
Crossed… the kancil from opposite side sped out of sudden, therefore I stopped at the middle line. Suddenly… a Viva from the other junction (CS parking) took a sudden turn to his right, Keboooomm… and hit me on my side/back.
I fell to the ground on my bump, seated position. Blank… People gawping, looking shocked. Intense pain. On my back. I tried standing up… A pakcik on motorbike came, scolding the young driver, who got down from the car. He was with a girl, wearing the School’s t-shirt. Errr… I was hit by my junior.
“Sorry, I ingat boleh lepas tadi…sorryy” trying to explain, apologetically
Huhu.. saw me some more nak belok… huhu… aduiii… budak-budak baru dapat “P” niee… surprisingly… I was not mad… I was just in shock…
“Bring me to hospital now... or a clinic… I sakit” I was calm, I mean, too calm. Guilt in both their faces, they looked like the just saw a ghost.
“sorry… I’m sorry… U ok ka..errr.." I can’t remember what else they said… they took me in their car to pusat kesihatan in the campus. He couldn’t drive well, he was panicking.
“Dun worry, Cool down… bawak slow-slow… I Ok” Still trying to stay calm, but I was not aware of the tears gushing out. I thought I had this in control. I was in pain. Yes… it was painful… both physically and mentally. I was like “Why me… Why again????”
They are first year undergrad students. Huhu.. zaman-zaman I.. undergrad jalan kaki atau naik bas je weh… huhu… did not complain.. but triggered to me… hmm.. Kids these days…
I was in pain… But I was telling myself to stay calm… and I was trying not to make those kids feel guilty. I dunno why, but I felt pity for them. I tried to be calm and composed, just to make them feel less guilty… weird… I dunno… Though I was trying to hold it… my trauma and all.... I couldn’t control my tears… u cannot stop tears... they just flood out from I dunno where… but I was smiling in my tears… to keep my emotions intact. *maybe i was trying too hard not to let trauma took control of me.
I was treated as an out-patient as it was not a serious injury, but they let me rest in the ward. Took my BP… which was outrageously high at the beginning and started to ease down from time to time. Informed some friends especially my colleague to inform my boss, in case he looks for me. While resting, left alone on bed… I keep on crying… I dunno why…. And I was trembling all over. Told the kids not to worry, I was just still in shock. Doctor attended me, she is nice… I have minor bruises… given prescriptions.
The kids sent me back to School. I thought I was feeling ok already. Went to the lab, rewind the story, to Rash and Kak Ilah, grinning. Confidently, I said I was ok. Then… after my late Zuhur prayers… I started crying and trembling again. I was scared. I was scared of loneliness… of death… of accidents… of everything and of nothing. I was crying a wheezing cry… and openly. Rash had to s.o.s Kak Ilah from her lab to calm me down. It was a terrible feeling… shaking and trembling… And very very scared… I needed someone to hug me. Thanks Kak Ilah :-) Kak Ilah sent me home, tailed by Rash and Abang Azrul, driving my car. Thanks guys. And thanks to my lovely friends, constantly giving motivation and checking on me.
Rite now…. I’m supposed to rest… the bruises are getting on me now… but I just wanted to pour this out.. this unknown feelings… or trauma… Reciting Yaasin earlier…. And writing this down, have eased me a little…. And mom giving some hot puffs on the bruises… hehe… bermanja-manja sikit :P~
Moral of the story:
Berhati- hati di jalan raya. Tapi kadang-kadang, kalau hati-hati pun, kemalangan boleh berlaku. So setiap kali keluar buat urusan, iringilah dengan doa…