Commentary

Commentary

Just When I Thought The World Couldn’t Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me Go To A Play

Every time I turn on the news, there’s something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in…

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Commentary

Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course?

The human subconscious is such an interesting thing. No matter how much you think you’ve got it figured out, it’ll always spit out the most…
Commentary

What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair

Look, I get it. I’m a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say…
Commentary

All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be Easy

At my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, they’ve spent so…
Commentary

Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!

Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making…
Commentary

Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate…
Commentary

I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume

In the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That’s why I…

Commentary

Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin’ all sorts of…
Commentary

I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships

Ever feel like you have a “special connection” with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs?…
Commentary

The Cost Of This Wedding Is Making Me Matri-moan-y!

My dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman…and this empty wallet and this wiped-out checking…
Commentary

Jean’s Own Goals

So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your ol’ pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping…
Commentary

C’mon, Everybody, There’s Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once!

Gather ’round, friends, and lend me your ears! Today, I bring to you a marvelous proposition, one that can become a reality with everyone’s help.…
Commentary

If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves?

Like every parent, I want my kids to be safe. I know that for my young daughter and son to grow and thrive, they need…

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