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Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It

DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at…
American Voices

Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry

A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled…
News

Tips For Supporting Public Media

The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media. Contact your senator with thoughts on the…
Local

Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed

HENDERSON, NV—Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly…
Local

What’s Our Health Insurance Denying?
Obituaries

Aaron Petrov

Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party.

American Voices

Trump: Americans’ Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations

President Trump, when asked whether the economic hardships felt by Americans would motivate him to reach a deal with Iran, claimed “not even a little…
Politics

Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl
Entertainment

What To Know About ‘Off Campus’

Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the…
Local

Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online

FORT WAYNE, IN—Upon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man Andrew…
Politics

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JD Vance

Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard of…
Sports

Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less

UKIAH, CA—Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly stormed…

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