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Local

Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting

WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments…
American Voices

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader

South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently…
Local

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone

SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons…
News

God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday…
Local

Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor

MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about…
Entertainment

All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after…

American Voices

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years

Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects “an evolution in how Gallup focuses its public research and…
Sports

Mike Tirico Keeps Asking Olympians What Happens To Old Drug-Test Urine

LIVIGNO, ITALY—In what has become the central focus of his primetime broadcasts night after night, NBC sportscaster Mike Tirico has devoted huge swaths of Winter…
Politics

Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost

WASHINGTON—Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump…
Politics

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’

WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left…
Local

Grandpa Remembered For Messing Up Stuff Grandma Just Cleaned

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Taking a moment to reflect on treasured memories of their recently deceased family patriarch, grandchildren of the late Ronald Gorden reminisced Tuesday about…
Local

Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time Now