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Local

Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House

AKRON, OH—Using the icon of a sleigh to denote his unmistakable presence near a residence in northeastern Ohio, NORAD’s official tracking app confirmed that Santa…
Local

Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ

READING, PA—Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn’t even…
Local

Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go
Commentary

Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!

Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making…
Entertainment

McConaissance Quietly Concludes
American Voices

State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns

Secretary of State Marco Rubio ordered diplomatic correspondences to cease the use of Calibri font and revert to Times New Roman, attributing the previous change…

Hockey, Sports

Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex

TORONTO—Accusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players’ Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it…
Local

Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him

MACKINSHAW, NE—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to seem paranoid but it was the only way he could make sense of it all, high school senior…
Local

Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family

WAYNE, NE—After coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the town’s most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this…
Entertainment

Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule
Politics

Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service

WASHINGTON—Praising the recipients for their acts of true American cowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new “Dodger Dividend” on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully…
News

Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money

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