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Friday, July 24, 2026

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Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself

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Local

Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday…
Local

One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now

CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn’t already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent…
Baseball, Sports

Dugout Floor Covered In Spat-Out Clamshells
Entertainment

Bestselling Beach Reads

The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year.
Local

Tips For Karaoke

Whether you’re out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares…
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Politics

Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke
American Voices

Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani called on the federal government to execute the International Criminal Court’s arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu…
Entertainment

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Zendaya

With her roles in the current and upcoming blockbusters The Odyssey, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and Dune: Part Three, Zendaya is having a banner year.…
Entertainment

Law Roach Asks Store Associate If She Has Tom Holland In Different Size

LOS ANGELES—Noting that the extra small available on the sales floor just wouldn’t work for his client, Zendaya’s stylist Law Roach reportedly asked a store…
News

Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from…
News

New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip

GENEVA—In an effort to codify parental oversight for underage troops, a new Geneva Convention adopted Thursday reportedly allowed for the use of child soldiers with…

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American Voices

American Voices

Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu
American Voices

Tate Brothers Arrested In Florida
American Voices

JD, Usha Vance Welcome Baby Boy

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Who’s Bad?
All Things Musk Pass
Thou Shalt Not Kilt
Rigged Erection
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In Other News

Local

‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff
Local

Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again
News

Study Finds There Aren’t Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls
News

Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet

Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday

Leo

(July 23 to August 22):

Try not to be held back this week by abstract constructs of the human mind like regrets, anxiety, and school-zone speed limits.

Read Your Horoscope

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