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Man Wants To Find Algorithm, Scream ‘I Don’t Have Toenail Fungus’ At It
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Man With Undetected Pancreatic Tumor Finally Starts Flossing
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Theater Staff Lets Man Go Right On Masturbating In Otherwise Empty ‘Melania’ Screening
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Drunk Man Casts Eye Around Bar For Someone To Cherish, Hold, Spend Rest Of Life With
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Purple Applies For Primary Color Status
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Foolhardy Scratch-Off Ticket Offers Absurd 6 Ways To Win
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Couple Married For 50 Years Dies Only 10 Rotations Of Helicopter Blades Apart
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‘Erm,’ Reports British Novel Protagonist
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‘Law & Order: SVU’ Writer Struggles To Think Up New, Entertaining Rapes
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All Good Baby Names Already Taken By Ninja Turtles
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Airplane Seatmate Maybe Sinbad
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Mr. Important Loudly Stomps Down Office Hall Holding Laptop
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Man Who Spent Months On Scheme Heartbroken To Hear It Called ‘Harebrained’
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Baby’s First Steps No Match For Push Notification
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Friend Mysteriously Refuses To Download Venmo
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Busty Friend Pulls Flask, Cocktail Glass, Lawn Chair Out Of Cleavage
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Moat Already Paying For Itself
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Amber Alert Describing Wienermobile
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Area Man Man’s Man
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Stricter Version Of Employee Handbook Written Specifically For Keith
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Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed
HENDERSON, NV—Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a…
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In Other News
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Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can
LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed…
Politics
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Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool’s Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry
WASHINGTON—Calling it a shocking attack on our nation’s cultural heritage, critics slammed President Donald Trump Monday for his decision to…
Local
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‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly
CHICAGO—Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering…
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