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Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House

AKRON, OH—Using the icon of a sleigh to denote his unmistakable presence near a residence in northeastern Ohio, NORAD’s official…

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Local

Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To Share

MINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by…
Local

Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’

ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an…
Local, News

How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh

With the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and…
Local

This Your Best One Yet, Report Nation’s Sycophants

WASHINGTON—As they nodded their heads in approval and echoed the sentiment that “you really knocked it out of the park,” all 130 million of the…
Local

Tinsel Draped Over Urn
Local

Mistletoe Held Above Meatball Sub

Weddings

Heidi Moyer and Ted Chun

The happy couple were married by a City Hall clerk Saturday due to a nationwide pastor strike entering its sixth crippling month.
Local

Mom’s Eyes Roll Back In Head At Dinner Table As She Feeds On Family’s Enjoyment Of Food

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Her body seizing with energy after hearing the request from her youngest son to pass the asparagus, local mother Christina Nadler’s eyes reportedly rolled…
Obituaries

General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping

General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping died from cancer complications at 72 this weekend, but the rest of the bought-and-sold press will…
Local

Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that…
Real Estate

As Featured In Film

The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete. Reference #90835
Weddings

Harris Thompson and Brad Chase

Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar.

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