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Friday, July 24, 2026

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Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself

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Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben…

Local

One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now
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‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff
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Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World

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Local

Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Staring down at his dampened shirt with a mixture of anger and stunned disbelief, local man Frank Buchwald was reportedly acting like he…
Local

Wife’s Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits

DAYTON, OH—Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife’s muscular…
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Insisting Coworker Get To Point Somehow Slows Him Down
Local

Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents’ Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors

LAS VEGAS—Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles “Charlie” Womack could reportedly already…
Local

Geologist Reunited With Beloved Rock He Studied 20 Years Ago

SPOKANE VALLEY, WA—Experiencing a range of emotions from excitement to joy to nostalgia, 49-year-old geologist Alan Hargroder was reportedly reunited Tuesday with a beloved rock…
Obituaries

Tim Wallace

Tim Wallace, 56, has gone to be with the Lord. He is survived by 1.4 billion Chinese people, among others.

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Why Do We Have A Meeting With HR?
Weddings

Susan Rios and Nick Dawson

These roommates were accidentally married Wednesday after getting high and going to City Hall to apply for an exotic pet license.
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Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over?
Weddings

Chelsea Evans and Ben Franks

The groom knew he had found his future wife the moment he saw the words “NO LIARS OR DRUG ADDICTS” on the bride’s Bumble profile.
Obituaries

Sue Klepper

Sue Klepper, 90, passed away surrounded by family, friends, and a registered nurse who was kind of just awkwardly hanging around.
Local

Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass

BAGLUNG, NEPAL—Claiming he could eat the stuff every day and still not get tired of it, local yak Henry Cunningham expressed his sincere hope Tuesday…

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Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard
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Leo

(July 23 to August 22):

Try not to be held back this week by abstract constructs of the human mind like regrets, anxiety, and school-zone speed limits.

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