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Thursday, June 18, 2026

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Thursday, June 18, 2026

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Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself

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Pride By The Numbers

Millions of LBGTQ+ Americans and allies will march, cheer, and celebrate at Pride events this weekend. The Onion looks at…

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Study: More Americans Foregoing College In Favor Of Letting The Carnival Sort Them Out
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Study: Majority Of Middle-Aged Men Lack Support Network They’ll Need To Handle Neil Young’s Death
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Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It
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EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide

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Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti”…
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IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts

CLAYMONT, DE—As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday…
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Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners

SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing…
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Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos’ Human Chessboard

MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing…
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Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship

BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered…
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NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees

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Trump Claims He Never Promised A Livable Country
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Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved

WASHINGTON—Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming…
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Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man

NEW YORK—Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a…
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Heaven’s Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence

THE NEXT LEVEL—Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale–Bopp comet, members of the Heaven’s Gate…
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Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular

FORT WORTH, TX—In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood…
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Report: Music’s Power To Unite, Heal Down 74%

WASHINGTON—Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music’s power to bridge…

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JD Vance To Personally Care For Chickens At Naval Observatory
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FDA Approves First New Sunscreen Ingredient In Over 25 Years
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Elon Musk Becomes World’s First Trillionaire

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