Become A Member. Get The Paper.

News

News

Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money

Become A Member Of The Last Functioning Part Of Our Democracy.

Join The Onion Today

Read More

News

Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. Border

WASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This…
News

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

PROVIDENCE, RI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured several others,…
News

Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After ‘Dictionary’ Named Word Of The Year

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all words into consideration, Merriam-Webster was accused…
Local, News

How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh

With the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and…
News

Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz
News

How Screen Time Affects Childhood Brain Development

News

Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist

NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding new light on a previously undocumented effect of loneliness, a team of psychologists at Yale University found that at least 80% of…
News

Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch…
News

Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Trump administration’s decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas,…
News

Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion…
News

Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon

VATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation…
News

Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale

INDIANAPOLIS—Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn’t say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found…

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest