Baseball

Baseball, Sports

Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S.

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei…

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Baseball, Sports

MLB Rookie Still Can’t Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free

NEW YORK—Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told…
Baseball, Sports

Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He’s Going To Come Up With $414 Million Payroll

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that the team’s ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday that…
Baseball, Sports

MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone
Baseball, Sports

Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance

FORT MYERS, FL—Arriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling their coaches and peers, Major League…
Baseball, Sports

Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body
Baseball

Teammates Unnerved As Interpreter Begins Referring To Ohtani As ‘The Host’

LOS ANGELES—Describing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly…

Baseball, Sports

Minor League Play-By-Play Announcer Just Sounds Like Normal Guy
Baseball, Sports

A’s Fans Unable To Sustain The Wave Over Chasm Of 7,000 Empty Seats
Baseball, Sports

Scalpers Jack Up Price Of Colorado Rockies Ticket To $11

DENVER—In what’s being decried as an outrageous case of price-gouging, scalpers have reportedly begun charging as much as $11 for Colorado Rockies tickets, forcing some…
Baseball, Sports

Rockies Pitcher Pledges To Give Up Home Run For Sick Child

DENVER—In an effort to make sure the young leukemia patient’s night at Coors Field was a special one, Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland pledged Saturday…
Baseball

Scout Would Like To See Pitching Prospect Mutilate Elbow A Little More

CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Emphasizing the importance of violent, ligament-shredding torque in achieving pro-caliber pitch velocity, regional baseball scout Phil Jenson told pitching prospect Gio Aguilar this…
Baseball

Pirates Under Fire For Directly Marketing Team To Children

PITTSBURGH—Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club’s dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday…

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