Meanwhile

Have I told you of my squirrel days?
Mixed nuts are the best.
Once upon a time, ...
Oh yeah some background. (just curious do you often start explaining something or telling a story and interrupt yourself to provide background?)

Not again!

This picture was emailed to me from comedywildlifephoto.

If you haven’t seen their photo collection, check them out. Funny stuff.

Like most I put ideas of human feelings inside that squirrel’s head. Did the squirrel just realize he did something stupid?

Then my mind wandered to thinking about being a squirrel. I know I would still find many things to complain about. The picture has me wondering if squirrels complain.

I grew up with a big weeping willow in our backyard. Maybe the climbing of that tree left me with a connection to those great climbers called squirrels.

Idyllic memories

enough climbing for today

next time I want the apple crisp

fungi is tree related

fungus group includes yeast - yeast is used to make beer

fox tails are better than squirrel tails

a wood giant

Natural color

man-made color - what do squirrels think of this

tree art

more tree art

old tree art

The best tree is one you can lean on.

lean-on-me tree

silly

There's a lot of serious stuff going on lately. I'm a big believer in balance. Here's a small attempt to inject a bit of silliness into the world.

Our adult daughter who enjoys her Christmas elf shared this silly picture recently.

an elf attacked from behind

Her daughter shares her mom's silliness. Kids are great at showing adults how to be silly.

my nose is warm but I can't see

Perhaps the colonial three corner hat was designed as a serious hat. I think they are silly. I do like their look though.

mind if I borrow your hat?

Lastly, during my recent visit to a Waffle House I heard the following song (oh the song came out years ago but it only goes to show I don't get my Waffle House fix often enough)

Oh if anyone from Waffle House is reading this, I would gladly accept any free food offers from your great restaurants.

a strange request

There are a variety of request types. From HTTP programming language (GET request) to a freedom of information request. Often you are requested to take some action or offer you time. For example, I'm requesting you to continue reading my post.

At one point in my career my involvement with RFP's (request for proposal) filled many boring hours. Fortunately I was paid well for those hours. What is more interesting are those strange requests you may gotten from strangers. A little searching will produce sites that list strange requests from hotel guests. You might enjoy reading them, so give it try. But NOT now. I want to share a strange request I got the other day at a place where one should be leery of any requests.

I'm not asking for much

The place - a public restroom in a nice comedy club

The show had just finished. As I turned the corner of the room, I was pleasantly surprised the row of urinals were completely vacant. Like many guys do, I picked one on the end.

Oh before I forget, I just remembered one of the funny things I heard at the show. It was called a reflection which reminded of "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey on SNL years ago. (he has a web site and books filled with them). Here's one from the show that night (my recollected wording):

Today we need thousands, possibly more that a million followers to feel important. Long ago a guy with just 12 followers became known as the Son of God.

Ok, back to that strange request. So most of my experiences using urinals are quiet staring at the wall necessities. Not so this time. Shortly are taking my position, a group of five young guys loudly filled out the row. I suspect from their boisterous exchange while relieving themselves that their liquor bill was much higher than mine.

Just as I was finishing up drying my hands, one of them made the strange request. Could I take a picture of them in front of the urinals. After a little hesitation I agreed. I raised the smartphone given to me and noticed I couldn't get all of them in the shot. One of them offer the one left out of the shot some space at his urinal. Very odd. I took a few shots and asked them if they do this often. They laughed. I left.

There something odd about picture taking in this generation that never happened in my generation.

So that was my strange request story. But if you have just a bit more time here's another story about a scammer request. This scammer requested money from the wrong old guy. His target of a lottery scam, William Webster, was a bad choice. Mr. Webster is a former FBI Director. Here's a clip from the FBI's youtube channel (who knew?):

Somewhere sometime

I don’t recall details of where it was or even when it was. Those details would be nice but not necessary. No crime was committed. Just talk.

And drinking.

The talker was a weathered man. Think Willie Nelson’s older brother.

His face turned pensive as he explained he must share a life lesson he learned.

“Don’t wait too long for love or you’ll miss it,” he said with confidence. I shook my head in agreement but since I was married I considered it a lesson I had already completed.

His tale went on to describe finding Lucy, beautiful, fun, and smart. Oh she was everything he dreamed love would be. Sadly, he quickly discovered she belonged to another. His life was forever incomplete.

“So you never found another woman to match your attraction for Lucy?”, I asked.


 

“Woman!, Ha you fool. Lucy was the best, brightest, golden retriever I ever met!”

Hey some of you might recall the hit song, “Shannon”. It was written about a lost dog.

Born under a bad sign

Oh that’s ridiculous. Very unscientific nonsense.

great dogs and plenty of fries

However there are signs/things you don’t want to be born under. Such as:

Born under a _____

no parking sign
beer sign
no trespassing sign
Joe’s Hot Dog sign
Closed by Health Dept. sign
flashing blue lights
bridge
snow drift

Any additional suggestions please leave them in the comment section for reward points.

I’m hoping for a break from this winter cold and snow. We have good walking paths around us that are now buried under snow. I especially enjoy an afternoon walk on a clear day. It’s extra special if I catch the moon and the sun both out at the same time. One setting in the west. The other rising in the east. Certainly makes me feel like I'm in the middle of something big.

Excuse my sharing of the following part of the lyrics. As I was listening to the song, this part just kicked off political complaints in my head. It reminds me of our tweeter-in-chief.

I don't like to read,
I can hardly write,
My whole life has been
One big fight.

you know who's on first

Are comic memories better than other memories? I don't know but I know some events or mishaps become comic over time.

Long long ago, before Apple was a gadget company, before disco, just after bread came sliced, I found myself being suspended from school because I was in a food fight. Not funny to my parents or me at the time. Today I laugh about it.

Today I found this screen capture of a text exchange (not too many years ago that description would have made no sense what so ever) and it reminded me of the famous "Who's On First" skit performed by Abbott & Costello before I was born.

would they know LOL from LMAO?

Just in case you don't know who's on first, here's a clip of that old skit.  Enjoy!

my favorite mistake

Will this be yet another mistake? I don’t want this blog to get political. So I’ve been reluctant to share this idea of mine here. But on the other hand (that hand that doesn’t do much anyway) why not. The readership is down (close to being sunk). So I’m going to expand on the idea of making a mistake. However, I will not get drawn into a debate about the current political candidates.

“The perfect ending to the bad day”. That confusing phrase from Sheryl Crow’s “My Favorite Mistake” song can make sense if you let ‘perfect’ and ‘bad’ join together to describe a real terrible day. Phrases like this is why I enjoy listening to the lyrics.

Our never ending election cycles have given us a few perfect mistakes to consider.

 

Here’s my perfect idea for a bad post.

Do a parody of the song “You’re So Vain” using Donald Trump and his campaign. I always thought the Donald was very vain. I believe even his hair is vain. The Donald could become the perfect political mistake.

Now if you please, add your suggested lyric ideas in the comments. Of course, if you don’t find this at all funny then have a great perfect day and come back for the next post which will not be political at all. Actually, given that it’s Donald Trump I don’t consider this post very political since I have a difficult time equating him to a serious political leader.

Here’s my hope for a campaign hit: (if you can sing along and carry a tune please do a recording and post it on youtube, please just mention this post )

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your HAIR strategically dipped below one eye
Your scowl was taut
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself cavort
And all LAWYERS dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this RACE is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this RACE is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Reality show several years ago
when you fleeced the naive
Well, you said you have such pretty hair
And your shouted words make me heave
Do you care who makes the things you love
And can you handle a hot Mexican tamale
They had some dreams, stopped by walls on the border
walls on the border and

You're so rich
You probably think this RACE is about you
You're so rich
I'll bet you think this RACE is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

They had some dreams, stopped by walls on the border
walls on the border and

You're so vain
You probably think this RACE is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this RACE is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your HAIR naturally won
Then you spew words like you’re a nova
you curse everyone under the sun

Well, you're where you golf all the time
And when you're not, you're planning
Some lawsuits, Oh your third wife is no friend
Wife is no friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this RACE is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this RACE is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

which-a-call-it Lisleman

Note: you may want to play the clip included at the bottom while you read/sing my version.

I am a blogger not a mountie and I post a good quip
Searchin' in the net for another viral clip
I hear you singin' on youtube, you sound better though wine
the which-a-call-it Lisleman still owns a landline

I know I need a small vacation, or I’ll be going insane
And if it snows that stretch down south I won't shovel, too much strain
And I post it more than tweet it, and I browse around all time
the which-a-call-it Lisleman still owns a landline
still owns a landline

I’ve never met Jimmy Webb but his songs bring back fond memories. One of his very different than this one is stranger and longer. (see my post on his MacArthur Park song).

jump

Having a good jump can make you a winner in many sports. That good jumping talent skipped over me. I need a plane ticket to get airborne.

not this type of jump

But there’s that another type of jump. The one if you have it has other people calling you jumpy. I’ve have many experiences of this uncontrollable quick reaction to a surprise shock. I suspect the catch your breath, open your eyes, sudden stop in your tracks events can be traced back to our prehistoric ancestors. I’ve notice some in my family being more prone to this jumpiness than most.

She-who-reads-more-on-FB found this clip of one jumpy guy. Oh I happen to share his cursing trait.

It’s a short clip. Watch it, then jump down to the comment section.

smartphone tragedy

Today with light hearts, we here at the Lisleman Institute for Better Posting feel compelled to report on a terrible first world problem has hit the urban hipster population hard:

The I-phone 6 bends in hipster jeans.

TOO BIG for anyone's pocket

The problem is this latest ultimate high-classed thin smartphone was not designed to bend ( I’m not sure if the hipster jeans were meant to bend either). Can you imagine the angst running through you after finishing your hipster chai, you stand up to discover your new I-phone 6 is bent and broken? The very gadget you paid hundreds of dollars for someone to stand in line so that you could be the first one at the club with one. (a moment of silence please)

hipster jean pic from tumblr

The Lisleman solution - 
Bring back the fanny pack (oh “fanny” would not be a good descriptor for Brit slang speaking hipsters) and make it hip again. Hey, it’s retro right? The expensive I-phone 6 would be secure in your skinny fanny pack.

Please understand I’m a big apple fan. I researched and wrote this post on a MacBook (I think it was a hip gadget once). However, I believe Apple messed up on this recent product release. I would not go as far as (but do find it hilarious) dissing the company with a fake ad like this one:

(Disclosure: I have NEVER slipped on a pair of hipster jeans since attempting it would test the laws of physics and leave those embarrassing jeans stuck on my ass.)

throw a few words my way

I never knew where this blog would go when I started it. The in-the-beginning story is up there on the "short background" page.  Honestly, I'm not actually sure where we are now with it.

The group effort of comments feeding back into postings works well.  Most of you know this very well since you are also bloggers.

It's a fun hobby. I've even learned a new word or two.

I heard a joke on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me last Saturday.  You might have heard about the recent White House fence jumpers in the news.  Also this year there was a toddler who climbed through the fence.  Now this is serious stuff and certainly potentially deadly in the terrorist world we live in today.  However, here at A Few Clowns Short, we try to lighten up.

So it turns out that getting onto the White House property just requires the right distraction. You throw a few pieces of meat over for the dogs.  Throw a few Colombian prostitutes over for the Secret Service agents.  Now, you are clear to go.

You don't need to jump over a fence to join in here.  Go ahead throw a few words over to distract me.

 

it’s a parody Renee

Years ago I parodied part of the Four Tops “Walk Away Renee”.

Just click away, Renee
You won't see me follow your blog home
The empty comments on my blog are not the same
Facebook is to blame

The noticeable absence of former frequent visitors lead me to create my version called “Click Away Renee”. Fellow bloggers dropping out is just part of blogging.

"Happy" is a great tune

Long ago, I told myself to blog like a man. If I can’t laugh about it maybe I can write a parody about it. I stop and wonder often. Maybe too often. Am I under the influence of Weird Al Yankovic?

Well Weird Al still rules. Occasionally I can come up with odd updates for an old song. But a parody doesn’t work too well if the audience is not familiar with the original song.

Tim Hawkins got laughs by changing The Eagle’s “Hotel California” to a "Walmart in California". Weird Al takes the parody to a higher level. It’s amazing how he can still turn out great parodies decade after decade. Remember “Eat It” from the 80’s. I think it’s better than Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”.

Here’s a new one from my inspiration, Weird Al.

Maybe I just like it because I'm tacky??

Rikki don't lose that link

We hear you're leaving, that's OK
I thought our little online time had just begun
I guess you kind of scared yourself, you turn and run
But if you have a change of heart

Rikki don't lose that link
You don't wanna click nobody else
Tweet it off to your online self
Rikki don't lose that link
It's the only one you own
You might click it if you feel better
When you get online

I have a friend on facebook, he's heard your name
We can go out and take selfies
We could stay inside and play games, I don't know
And you could have a change of heart

You can't say I don't pay attention to comments.  On a recent music related post, playlist of memories, CaliforniaGirl500 (the '500' part of her moniker reminds of racing) wrote:

How 'bout Steely Dan? Do you like Steely Dan?

This poor Steely Dan parody is for you.  I think it needs more work.

think outside the blog

In a blog post long ago, I asked: Do you find cemeteries interesting and even enjoyable?

We have. There’s good art to be found in cemeteries.

I’m feeling fine and it’s not sickness that has me thinking of this final dirt nap. My don’t-be-cruel wife often reads the obits in the paper. I’ve posted about it before. Today, I noticed an ad in the obit section. You never see ads for vacations in the obit section and I think that would be great place for them since a reader might want to take that last chance trip. No, it was an ad for death related services. Specifically, for cremation services. I believe cremation has benefits. If you are fortunate you get old. Why would you want to keep that old body around?

Two things caught my eye in the ad (definition of a good ad?), one was the smiling, wife arm hugging, older couple. I swear I’ve seen that stock photo in a vacation/retirement ad. Really, would any couple be posing with big smiles while deciding on a cremation plan? I might get a little suspicious and ask, “why are you so happy right now?”

The second thing gave me a laugh (good ads generate laughs and revenue). The tag line for the company - “Think Outside The Box”. That’s brilliant and funny.

While looking back at my older related posts, I came across my post about funeral theme songs. “My Way” is a popular one. I actually like “Over The Rainbow” better. (future note for any family or friends - don’t try to be TOO funny. “Highway To Hell”, might not be funny to everyone gathered.)

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

can you remember when

Such a lovely weekend. Finally a warm fresh breeze showed up to greet me. I probably set my mind down too long because my mindset is a bit off today.

Summer will be here before you know it. If I’m lucky she will take me to a beach. Life is often not much of a picnic but a good picnic can make you feel alive.

I remember back in my school days when Isabelle Tolling announced the class picnic.  It rang out through our group. Sara Party wouldn’t stop asking me about it but then she was always wanting to know what was happening.

We all wanted Freddy Fingers to miss hearing the news. However, hoping the party would go well into the night we made sure Bill A. Fryr got the news. He always was good for a match.

Joy Birdsong borrowed her dad’s car and flat out refused to let Iris Speeding drive it. They put the top down and cranked up the music. I enjoyed the ride from the backseat. I never figured why they picked up Ben Fardown. He was alright but I was leery of him being on the up and up.

Just as I dropped the blanket on the sand, I saw Holly Moses. Oh, her figure burned a hole in my brain. She commanded me to find her tanning oil. I suggested we just part the waves and chill. Tommy Quicktalk made a move and she was gone.

I tried a little beach volleyball but Carey Overtop spiked one on my face. The cold water eased the swelling. Isabelle was concerned about me. Even today if I pick-up a shell I can heard her sweet voice ringing.

No time to wallow in the mire - come on leave a comment!

need directions

Going nowhere? Then you don’t need directions. The world is too interesting not to know some geography. Also I know my future lies beyond the yellow brick road. I have the knack for getting from A to B (even B to A) but trying to communicate those details to a another traveler comes with difficulty.

Just pass the big clown on corner, you’ll come to an idiot in the middle with nonstop turn blinkers on. Ignore him. Check your gas gauge because you have about another 100 miles to go and you’ll be passing gas. I mean passing the last gas station. Oh don’t use the restroom there. It’s so bad you may never breathe right again.

Now remember that big oak you saw by the clown? Don’t worry, you do know oak from evergreen right? Three evergreens and an oak tree later you fork. I mean a split in the road. Stay right. Well if you miss it and go left don't worry. You will still get there if you have good shocks and no dentures. 

Now you got gas and the right fork. Correct? Ok, don’t worry about speeding until you blow by big curve warning sign. Slow down because the oncoming traffic likes to ride the center line. If you survive the big curve and you have not been pulled over by Officer Obie you’ll probably make it.  If you are arrested have Obie call me, I haven't talked him in awhile.

Eventually you reach a cemetery (most of us do) and if there’s no funeral going on, take a shortcut through the cemetery. The buried dead are laid out to the horizons but the place is easy to get through, just stay on the straight and narrow. It’s scenic and saves you about 10 miles. If you get the strange feeling your own funeral is going on, then why are you being buried in that cemetery? I didn’t think you were from around these parts.  Snap out it.

Assuming you made it out of the cemetery before dark. Did I mention they close the gates at dusk? Take a right at the road. There is almost always a deep rut on the corner so don’t cut corners there.

Just about a mile or two (maybe 3, my odometer been stuck since 60) you will come upon a big glowing neon pig. Great BBQ. But if you are coming for dinner don’t stop unless you are buying for everyone. If so, I’ll take the pulled pork with extra hot sauce. Be sure to grab plenty of napkins.

OK, just pass the BBQ place after the road drops quickly is a dirt road on the left. Don’t worry just go pass that one. Take the second dirt road on left.  If the road sign is not knocked over (most of the year it is down) you'll notice you are at the corner of Lightning and Thunder.  Thunder is not a bad road when it's dry. Often there are dead armadillos at the corner. Watch out for deer and flooding (if rained of course).

If you happen upon the mail carrier (pink pickup truck can’t miss it) going down that dirt road, you will not be able to pass him being that it’s a one lane road that drops off to a raging river on one side. If he is coming toward you, then he will expect you to backup since he is on official business. No one else uses the road except the teenage drinkers/stoners late at night. So get there before dark but not during mail delivery time.

You will find us at the end of the road assuming you don’t get stuck in the mud.  No doorbell to ring.  We will hear the junkyard dog up the road barking before you reach our property.  Wait for me to come out.  I would not want you getting accidentally shot.  I’ll leave the light on until midnight after that go get a room somewhere and call me in the morning after 10.

a blog with no name

This year, I have had more parodies circling my brain than ever before. I do enjoy a good parody. Laughter is an emotion you know.  Emotions go good with music.

There are two problems with my parody efforts. One, I can't sing. I can only carry a tune if I have my I-pod in my pocket. Second, being old I tend to parody older rock classics. I suspect that doesn't work as well with younger listeners.

Oh well, I can’t sing. I ain’t pretty and my legs are thin. Don’t ask me what I think of you. I might not give the answer you want me to. Now that we have that cleared up lets get on with the parody. It’s a gold record from the 70’s (thanks and sorry America).

(guitar strumming - click the youtube clip below if you want background music)

On the first part of the journey, 
I was looking at all the pics. 
There were chat rooms, and apples and things, 
There was video and a cat that sings. 
The first thing I used, was modem with buzz, 
And the screen, with no clouds. 
The PC was hot, and loading was slow, 
But the site was full of sound.

I've been through the internet on a blog with no name, 
It felt good to be out of the same. 
On the internet you can forget your name, 
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no claim. 
La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la

After two nights, the internet spun, 
My eyes began to turn red. 
After three nights, in the facebook fun, 
I couldn’t make it to my bed. 
And the story it told, of a comment that flowed, 
Made me sad to think it was from Fred.

You see I've been through the internet on a blog with no name, 
It felt good to be out of the same. 
On the internet you can forget your name, 
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no claim. 
La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la

After nine nights, I let the blog run free, 
'Cause the internet had turned on me. 
There were rants and tweets, and clicks and things,
There was text and a cat with blings. 
Facebook is a desert, with its life underground, 
And a perfect disguise above. 
Under the pages lies, a heart made to pound, 
But twitter will give no love.

You see I've been through the internet on a blog with no name, 
It felt good to be out of the same. 
On the internet you can forget your name, 
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no claim. 
La, la, la la la la, la la la, la, la



More?  want more?  really?  check out this other parody I posted. 

older now and still running against the wind

living to run and running to live

If you are lucky you get old. Then you quit running against the wind, you just break wind and everyone is running from you.

The running against the wind has certainly become more like walking against the wind. Facing the wind is not too bad if there is not dust in it. So far I am still standing and have not been blown over yet.

there were times I made the wind go against my face

Remember “Night Moves”? Strange how the night moves.

Working on the night moves, trying to make front page drive-in news.

If you are lucky you get old. Then your night moves are just to the bathroom and hopefully you are not running against the wind to get there.

They demolished that drive-in years ago and replaced it with a Dunkin' Donut drive-through.

Sometimes it ain’t funny how the night moves!

sign

I don’t think my latest idea will be as popular as creating a online harass/flirt name like Carlos Danger. (My preferred choice would be Liam Lips. I tried the name generator and sorta like its offering for me, Cesar Trouble. It reminds me of problem salads.) However at the same time this idea is not as career/image damaging as a potentially scandalous online name.

What’s your sign?

Here’s the idea: If you were a street/road sign which one would you be?

(signs came from Manual of Traffic Signs web site)

I can’t decide. Here’s my top five:

• Exit Only 
• Falling Rocks 
• Be Prepared To Stop 
• Rest Area Next Right 
• Road Closed Ahead

two pics for monday

This post is a little late for the Sundays in my City meme run by Unknown Mami. I just popped over there and discovered she started it late this week by accident. I detest schedules myself so I suggest we just push Sunday over on Monday and start the week on Tuesday. You cool with that?

No matter what day you think/feel it is, here are two pictures I came across on a recent internet journey. This first one I spotted out of the corner of my eye while on FB. I guess the ad company pick this picture because it was a curious scene. I'm not sure which person is the golf killer but since the girl has the club I'm betting on her.  (I say he gets it in the kidneys in the next frame)

this a pic of the ad but not the ad

The next one comes from a fun blog called "Awesome People Hanging Out Together". I call this one "The day Richard Branson lost his big toe".

you put the toe in the coconut

 

Check out a variety of photos from around the blogs at Unknown Mami's place.