There is much beauty in the world.
And sadness.
Even though it's a beautiful day outside, I'm sunk into the pity pot sadness place today. I guess I wanted to hide it from everyone. But its so hard to figure it out.
Pandemic. Pfitt!
Heart attack. Oh bother!
Lung disease. Just too much!
and
Isolation.
There's the problem
I ruminate too much.
That's like chewing my cud, were I a cow or goat or sheep. But in people, it seems to be mainly mental. And then it gives physical aspects. Bim bam, one way or another. Which came first, chicken, egg?
So I'm having depression. Would you care for gravy on that? Or how about a cherry on top?
It's just suddenly here. Maybe it was there a few weeks ago, and yet, my physical symptoms a week ago were of COVID, but my test was negative. So whatever disease is inside me, a few cold symptoms after the wave of fever. This is the third one of this year...wake up with fever, go get tested.
The one that lasted longest, the second of this year, I went to my M.D. and got antibiotics, and that knocked out a lot of things physically, which was nice.
This time I'm mainly having nightmares. Oh dear, they are so real, and so uncomfortable. Last night, morning, just before waking, I had to cook some food and there was fish, and all of it was supposedly already cooked, but one of them flip flopped, still alive.. but not finding a pan in a strange kitchen, nor figuring out how to turn on the ancient gas stove.
The fish is definitely because 2 days ago I ate fish again...which has not been on my diet for about 5 months. So it wasn't worth it, if absorbing those sweet fish-molecules has done this to me! I do take an Omega-3 capsule, (sometimes) which is derived from herring and sardines. That's how I justified eating salmon...it was just further up the food chain. But the white fish of 2 days ago, was a bit lower in fish eat fish. I don't know why it's staying with me, but I'm pretty well tired of it.
I am pretty tired of spending hours a day focused on food...whether fixing, buying the things to fix, cleaning up (which I hate) and oh yes, eating it in 15 minutes or less for each meal.
I'm in the mood to go through a drive-through and maybe eat an Impossible Whopper (totally vegetarian and really delicious). I've been doing that almost weekly lately. Actually the last one I took everything off and just ate the patty. I'm not a big fan of white bread, even a bun with fancy sesame seeds all over it. They get stuck in my teeth. Incidentally, I've googled impossible burgers- the vegetarian patties, and they're not for sale yet in the grocery stores in my area!
I just took some time to watch a very good and timely UU service on "get out of your heads" and it included lots of ideas, meditation, and even dancing. I loved it!
Telling a friend I was depressed, she wanted to cheer me up by telling me she was wrapping my present. Oh my, I haven't figured out what to give her yet. How can I be grateful without that reciprocal thing hanging over my head?
Then she told me one of her daughter's whole family of 4 has COVID.
Definitely not cheering.
Why do people think depression needs cheer?
I have no idea.
So I'm going to plod along and do some things that I know make me feel better.
Shower, dress, go walk in sunshine. And that's what I needed another friend to remind me of. If it takes 2, I guess it's good I've got at least 2 friends!
Interestingly enough, I thought of a good "get well" gesture for my friend's family...get them a gift certificate for a local restaurant that I already know they love.
And I ended up feeling in a better mood by just getting out. Avoiding being within 6 feet of people...especially that one woman without a mask in the grocery store.
Next day's notes. The other thing about that depressed day was having bad coughing most of the day. I tried to watch a movie on Netflix, but my concentration is about 10 minutes at a sitting. No fever though, so I just coughed my way through. This bronchiectasis thing, where coughing is good for me, is sure a tiresome version of COPD. It does wear me down.
I finally went for Chinese Take Out...the vegetarian tofu with veggies was good, but I mainly wanted that hot and sour soup. Oh my, it did clean out my sinuses! I saved some for the next day. And gave half of the tofu/broccoli to my friend when she came to pick up some recipe books I'd borrowed...she liked it.
Next day...I've bought a box of Xmas cards. and watched the end of that movie. It's pretty good for Netfix...a fictionalized bio of Madam C. J. Walker, "Self Made."
But today (Monday) I'm feeling better until I try to do something, like carry in the groceries while it's freezing outside, and so I'm wearing a coat and hat and mask, and I get out of breath, not to mention sweat so much I have to change clothes. The cough is manageable...at least for half the day mark. I have to consider that there is some sickness going on in this old bod...though I'd like to figure it's not there. For me not to be able to carry those 4 bags of groceries in, and to sweat so hard...ok, I will be gentle with this old lady and let her have a treat.
I'm staying away from milk products as long as there are cold-like symptoms. I've learned how they help produce mucous, and I sure don't need that. But I've got a treat for myself, some Reeds' Jamaican Ginger Ale.
See ya later friends.
Sorry I haven't been taking photos. Mmm, I'll look on the camera, but I don't remember any.
Oh, here's a present a friend gave me last week, which was sweet. It's real!
I'm so blessed that she thinks of me when so much is going on with her family. Yes, gratitude is a good bane for depression