Self Hibernation Campaign - The Washington Cup

By Robert Hope

Betting odds for the "Washington Cup" (occupation of the Federal Capital).

We learnt from General Green that when he was a young man fighting in Mexico gambling really helped him get back on his feet. That's because he lost his horse at poker. As General Green said: "This taught me a good lesson. As a war hero and gambling addict - I was likely to go to a place in heaven "pair a dice !".

Knowing that many of our southern readers are betting men, for those in camp, here are this weeks betting odds for the Washington Cup. 

"You should be able to wager 3 to 1 on General Lee's superior military science; 5 to 2 against General Grant's inability to see the wood for the trees; 2 to 1 on the confederate cavalry conducting another lighting raid during the battle; 3 to 2 on some of Abe’s new lot running away on seeing the elephant”.

Editor Note: Odds quoted accurate at time of printing.

General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - Union Embarrassed

By Robert Hope

Union embarrassed once more

Yet again our brave boys of Green and Rippers division have conducted a significant number of “lightening” strikes on unsuspecting yankee troops. Whilst the north may call them guerrillas and thiefs, General Green welcomed back the return of the 1^st and 2^nd Virginia Cavalry as hero's.

“There was no dilly dallying about the outcome of the raid. Once again we have embarrassed these Yankee’s. We had three very successful hits on their facilities. Our boys have done what was considered impossible. What’s more, they returned with some 120 supply wagons, roughly the same amount that was captured after Chickamauga” said General Green. 

He went on to say that “My men once again informed me that General Holt-Oglethorpe’s still had a nasty look. However, Chickamauga meant that he’s also sporting a good left hook.  Mindful of my own hand injury that I sustained at Gettysburg, they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!”   

General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - Recruiting Posters

From Robert Hope

Inspirational Posters to support the southern war effort

In line with southern national sentiment General Green is reported to have privately sponsored a series of inspirational posters to support the southern war effort. The posters range in size from 6 by 12 inches to 56 by 42 inches. Most are printed in black and white, but some are in colour.

Unlike northern recruitment posters none of the Green posters refer to enlistment bonuses, promises of well supplied units with experienced officers, sauerkraut for Germans, nor shamrocks or potatoes to appeal to the Irish constituency.

In response to questions asked by our reporter General Green said: “These posters aim to influence southern citizens to enlist in the military, join the workforce, and make sacrifice to save the honour of our families, those ladies from Hazzard County and our social system from destruction. In years to come we will look back in nostalgia about their patriotic messages such as:

“Victory begins at home on the plantation”;

“Yaaaaw. It’s our flag - fight for it”;

“Get thrill, donate a Confederate 5 dollar bill”; and

“Join the Confederacy to de-cracker these nuts”  

However, not all of the slogans are in the best possible taste. One in particular showing Abe Lincoln has come in for harsh criticism due to General Green's opinions on facial hair:

“When making a new shell, fast and steady goes my lathe. All the better to ensure that Abe gets a close shave!“

General Green 

Self Hibernation Campaign -

From Robert Hope

General Green presents "brain box” paper to Professors at the Virginia Military Academy

In assisting the southern war effort, General Green is reported to have presented a brain box paper to professors’ at the Virginia Military Academy. The former pupil of the Academy presented his paper entitled “Fire At the Right Time” (FART) to Professors’ of Natural and Experimental Philosophy".

Based on General Green's extensive military career as a Mexican war veteran, the paper recalls that in 1861 and 1862 -  that both sides employed the tactics proven in Mexico. This found that tactical offence could still be successful, but only at great cost in casualties. Now men with rifles, BLR's and BLC's in defence are generally ripping frontal assaults to shreds. The paper acknowledges that these significant changes in weapon technology have in turn lead to new strategies and tactics being employed on the field of battle. 

Van Moltke

Drawing upon more recent events and our three fights for independence in 1863 against a cosmopolitan mix of the Austro-Hungarian's within the "German Brigade", his paper takes a fresh look at current military doctrine derived from Van Moltke: “That no plan survives first contact with the enemy".

The brain box thinking behind the paper considers in depth something that has largely been overlooked – the mental health and well-being of the General.  "The "Achilles Heel" of Van Moltke doctrine is that as the General you will  find yourself stressing out when you plans don’t go as you want them to.   You might be too disappointed when they go a bit awry. Such shock is believed to cause physical injury to the nerves leading to a form of post traumatic stress disorder. In some cases it is known to cause the General to act like a possum on the field of battle. In due course, in the worst cases this is likely to result in the General putting his underpants on his head and sticking pencils in his nostrils and so ending up in the State Lunatic Asylums for the Insane.

To avoid this, the paper by General Green recommends setting out on something which gives you the general the freedom to simply look forward to the outcome of the battle.  For example, if you do not have a have plan - so what can go wrong ?  In this way, hopefully, you’ll rarely find yourself getting disappointed !

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Green has a Wash!

From Robert Hope

General Green washes away his troubles with some bubbles

With claims that the hot spring waters could cure diseases and other chronic ailments, yesterday General Green went on an excursion to nearby Cherokee Springs. For centuries the naturally warmed mineral waters of Cherokee Springs have been cherished and enjoyed by local Indians for their healing powers - providing anti-inflammatory benefits to bones, joints and injuries such as lost fingers and thumbs.

Weekly between 20 and 30 people visit the springs. After paying his 25 confederate cents the General went on record as saying: “The springs did not live up to the description and the photogenic drawing in the brochure - that of an elegant bathing house of Bath Spa in England, within grounds planted with native and ornamental trees and shrubbery, much along the lines that a southern gentleman is accustomed too. I have to be frank, the springs are a bit of a monkey bath. The water was so hot , when you step in you went "Ooo ooo ooo !"

General Green enjoys a cleansing communial Bathe

It has been said by those who are able to work their way up to actually drinking cups of the spring water, that they experience the effects of better health. Having acquired the therapeutic benefit of ‘taking the waters”, unlike the local mudpuppies and waterdogs who frequent these springs and who are known to re-grow entire limbs, we can reliably report that no miracles occurred. General Green still does not have a right thumb and index finger.

From Robert Hope

General Green

In a quote from General Hugh I.E. Green, relating to his recent notoritity, th egood General responds: 

"Having just “carved out” sometime to read the northern press I am honoured that they have correctly reported that I am going to heaven to meet my maker whittle by whittle. I have to “hand it” to all those involved - I am now just as well known in New York as I am Charleston, Richmond, Petersburg and Savannah. Whilst the devil makes work for “idle hands” - it also appears that I am able to lend a "spare hand" to those who require assistance. This will come as no shock to my men as they always knew that I was a "hands off" kinda guy." 

General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - A Helping Hand

By Hardy Kenwright

General Hugh I.E. Green Has to Walk:

An earlier article in this esteemed journal recounted the misfortune of Rebel General Hugh I.E. Green, who lost the thumb and index finger of his right-hand during action on the Second Day the Battle of Gettysburg.

Inconvenient Length:

This has caused General Green great difficulties in writing his rousing sermons, (although we understand that his congregation are coping manfully with the shortened versions), reduced his output of popular music as well as preventing him practising his ‘Whittling’.

General Green Forced to Walk:

Reports are that recently the General had a most frustrating afternoon trying to hail a Hackney Cab when crossing Richmond to consult his specialist hand Surgeon. It seems that when he raised his right hand to attract a Cabby’s attention, his signal was interpreted as an obscene two fingered gesture, causing the Cabby to drive on past with a few choice parting words. It was only on his return journey when General Green realised the cause of the confusion, put down his suitcase and use his left hand to attract attention, that he secured himself carriage.

Breakthrough in Rubber Technology:

But thankfully, there is hope for General Green and others suffering similar disabilities. Indeed, this is truly an age of science and invention where great minds are turning their attention to developing life like prosthetics that will make the restrictions of physical injuries a thing of the past. None more so than Professor A. Qwack who has used the latest advances in the rubber industry to perfect his ‘Gripping Hand’ technology. This versatile system can be tailored to cope with the loss of one or more fingers and/or thumb

Professor A. Qwack has made an exclusive partnership deal with Mr. G.I. Joseph of Hasbro Inc. (of Providence, Rhode Island), to manufacture ‘Gripping Hand’.

Just in Time for Christmas:

The latest news from Mr. G.I. Joseph is that Professor A. Qwack has perfected his Whittling Tool adaptor and that, from November, one will be included free with every ‘Gripping Hand’ set purchased. Those long winter evenings need not now be so empty.

[STOP Press] Mr. G.I. Joseph is that Professor A. Qwack have also announced an adaptor for 'Gripping the Beast', whatever that might mean

Self Hibernation campaign - General Green's affliction

General Hugh I.E. Green needs a hand.

News has reached us of  the unfortunate wound received by the rebel General Hugh I.E. Green in the recent momentous battle at Gettysburg.

Whilst this august journal takes no delight in others suffering, even a secessionist firebrand such as Green, we have heard an amusing tale...

Green as a
Preacherman

Rumours have been heard around the campfires of the more common type of soldier in the army - you know the ones - those you want fighting for you but not the ones you really want to end up having a drink with - that General Hugh I.E. Green's recent wound is going to be a real handicap to him.

First he can no longer hold a pen to write, so he must dictate his words to a subordinate to note down for him, but it seems he can no longer partake in one of his favourite pass-times. 

Seems that then good General was a preacher he was very fond of 'whittling his wood' under this cassocks during church services, now that he's lost his thumb and index finger form his right hand, he can no longer get a grip on his 'whittling tool' leading to increasing frustration on his part, outbursts of temper and a general unpleasant demeanour....

... judging by his recent rants in the southern press - there is some truth to this story.

Self Hibernation Campaign - Green's Hot Air

From Robert Hope

Donations of fashionable items keep southern spirits afloat!

In supporting the southern war effort, it appears that our article regarding General Green donating Hardie hats to MIS has inspired the good ladies of General Green’s home town of Charleston, to also make donations to MIS - not their hats but their dresses !

As Q explained. “At first we were quite mystified, bemused and bewildered on how to put all these garments to good use. A genius nevertheless arose for the occasion (Odd Job) and suggested that we gather together all the silk frocks, stitch them together in strips and make an 'observation balloon'. Whilst this unorthodox construction material may look a little silly, this fabric does hold gas!  In fact given our southern diet it’s been containing ladies gas for years !”.

Captain John Randolph Bryan's Flying Machine

The first prototype attempt of flying this balloon with Captain John Randolph Bryan ended in near disaster. Luckily we did not have to give our “gondolences” to his wife. Our following attempts at flying this balloon with cold air didn’t really take off. We also found that unlike their northern counter parts, local southern politicians could not produce enough hot air. We subsequently established that by filling the balloon with ordinary illuminating gas from the Richmond Gas Works and varnishing the silk made a significant difference to the heights that can be achieved.

Imagine what it’s going to look like, a most fashionable item in the shape of a ladies dress, a silk dress balloon rising in the distance above a battlefield behind our lines. 

What a sight to behold.

General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Green Opines

From Robert Hope

General Green highlights the blatant flaw in the Gettysburg Address

I have no doubt that the Gettysburg Address speech by Abe Lincoln will be remembered as a masterpiece of political oratory by historians.

There is however at its heart is blatant flaw.  In just 10 sentences, it advanced a new justification for the Civil War.  Indeed, it’s first six words—”Four score and seven years ago”. A little subtraction shows that Abe Lincoln is not referring to 1787, when the Constitution, which careful outlines fundamental laws, state rights and obligations (and tacit acceptance of slavery), but 87 years ago to 1776, when the signers of the Declaration of Independence had proclaimed that “all men are created equal.”

The Union war effort until now has been aimed at defeating us southern states that have rebelled in honour of our families, those ladies from Hazzard County and our social system from destruction.  Abe Lincoln is using Gettysburg to kick off his re-election campaign—and shows poor taste to do so at a memorial service. 

 Yours faithfully, General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Green's Team Building Day

From Robert Hope,

10 companies across Green’s division took part in this year’s challenge, which is now becoming a popular annual event. Described as a “high-energy scavenger hunt crossed with hide-and-seek,” this immersive experience challenges various companies within Green's Division to outsmart one another. 

As General Green reminded everyone: “The aim of the exercise is to get the division working together to solve cryptic clues and explore hidden corners around army camp, before the next battle - believed to somewhere in Pennsylvania”.

'Poor' Will Poor, centre, with two of his comrades

As expected, the boys from Mississippi and “hazzard county” won the Fire Hazard’s challenge on demonstrating risks associated with camp fires and smoke. Building on experienced gained in previous years, they had no injuries this time.

Unfortunately this was not the case with the “Fire at Will exercise”. 

Literally, everyone fired at stammering private Will. 

Poor private Will. Formerly from Briunswick he is now recovering. He has also been instructed to attend further southern speech & language therapy sessions.

Clayton's cushions

The scavenger hunt was once again a big success. The ultimate goal was, without being noticed, to bring back the most identical items used by general within two hours. Whilst most teams focused upon bring back maps, well done, first prize went to those boys in Pickton’s brigade who brought back 19 pillows destined for General Clayton who then went on record as saying: “shortages, what shortages!”.

Finally, the DIY craft challenge, the new memory foam pillows were the big winner. For those teams with new recruits, as soon as they laid down on them, they started to remember all the things that they had “messed up” on during the previous day ! 

General Hugh I.E. Green"