The Hanover Hangover #4

Weekly Agony Uncle Column

Hello blossoms

Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again. What a crazy time we are living through? The postbag is fuller than a rams sack on easter morning! So, lets dive in…

Health food riots in Glasgow

Dear Jolly John

I am writing to describe unhappy scenes here in Glasgow this week as a band of drunken foreigners and highlanders stumbled into Glasgow in search of tobacco and booze. Anarchic and apparently leaderless the mob of several hundred drifted around the City looting and causing upset to the good citizens. The next day we hear rumour that the mob is actually led by that troublesome Italian The Boring Ponce Charlotte! No-one has seen him of course, as he is never at the head of his mob and because of his short stature, but Italian restaurants and shoe-shops in town have seen a run on tortellini, second rate chianti and platform shoes!.

Under the noble leadership of the great Humanitarian Cumberland, General Cope chose to withdraw his army south in order to preserve life and apply non-confrontational community policing techniques. The multi-denominational community liaison policing committee applauds this wise action, but in the short term this leaves us Citizens in the clutches of the leaderless mob. Their ignorant rampaging may require a tougher response from the King as they do not seem to respect private property.  

Yours 

Hamish Hadenuff

Hamish , this is a shocking story. We are all getting somewhat tired of the destructive ramble undertaken by the itinerant short Italian. But this is going too far surely! How can the good people of Glasgow tolerate this gross intrusion. I too applaud the noble self sacrifice of General Cope who understands how to mollify an angry continental crowd by withdrawing overt signs of law and order, but the tolerance of the state can be pushed too far!

Read on dear friend to find some letters reporting more positive news from the North!

Hurray for King George and all under his flag! Lets see if sense can prevail before others WADE-in! (see what I did there!?!?)

Death of a Myth

Dear Jolly John

As a brave highlander of catholic religion I write to express my anger at myself and my clan compatriots for the dishonour we have brought on a once proud nation. Foolishly I have followed the banner of the Clown of Italy and have allowed myself to be persuaded towards recklessness in pursuit if gin and pepperoni pizza! As we have stumbled southwards, our numbers hardly rising above a few hundred, we have left a series of Cities in our wake, ravaged and despoiled.

Sensing that I had made a poor choice in life we staggered towards Glasgow and a long promised music festival of traditional Roman gypsy music. At the festival my eyes were opened. Noble General Cope sent a fine young officer to offer our unruly mob terms on the morning of the 12 October. Unfortunately that fine young gentleman offering gentleman’s terms met the most ungentlemanly Hooligan McBlack the black hearted blackguard in a black mood! Head spinning from a mighty hangover and his tiny brain filled with the poisonous orders of Lord Murray (whom we in the ranks call Murray-mint due to his portly egg-like shape and overall yellow hue) that no quarter should be given. Can you imagine our shock when the fine officer was unhorsed? Out for a drunken cavort through the heather we find ourselves misused by our leaders and tricked into a no-holds-barred fight on the basis of ungentlemanly rules!

Thankfully the noble General Cope, despite this outrageous provocation, adopted passive policing techniques and withdrew to the south. Praise be that the country is under the rule of such wise governance. Lives were spared. Despite this though the drunken John Gordon of Avochie started to shoot wildly in the air with his sporting pieces. Trying to reload he stumbled and shot himself clean through the throat and chest. What a foolish end to a once great man.

I am so ashamed…how have we highlanders stooped so low. How can I redeem our Highland reputation.

Gordon McCheesedoff

Muddy Festival Site, Glasgow

Well Gordon, I needed a stiff whiskey after reading that letter!,

I too have heard stories of the ignoble actions of the Murray Mint, but I didn’t believe he could descend to this. Ignoring the rules of war he has supported the Italian Clown in his disastrous procession through the Scottish nation. I am sure his fancy continental friends will be agog to hear these stories and recognise the true nature of this rabble.

Good Highlanders can restore their pride by swearing allegiance to the crown and the King. This is a time of unparalleled dabbling in our affairs by foreign devils, but by keeping our eyes on the true course of Hanoverian succession we can remind ourselves what it means to be a true British subject!

Fear not Gordon, your travails will soon come to an end.

Mighty Battle restores order in the North

Dear Jolly John

Oh how we rejoice in Inverness this morning! Our honour and peace has been restored in the mighty Battle of Inverness where a huge rebel army has been put to flight by good citizens and their colonial allies and rightful forces of the King.

The 12th October will be forever remembered as the day we threw off the Boring Ponce Charlotte and his filthy foreign forces. The people of the City planned how to evict the interlocutors for several weeks, we mustered our forces and communicated with the government to plan our counter-coup. Knowing that a strong fleet sent from the America’s was also close we prepared our arms and steeled our hearts for the fight.

The rebels had assembled a vast host that was encamped on the hills above the City. Several thousand rebels, armed to the teeth and baying for blood was confronted in the morning by a strong force of citizens marching out of the City and a surprise Government force that had marched from the South and appeared to their rear. As our American colony cousins sailed their powerful fleet into the harbour, firing their guns and disgorging militia to restore the lucrative cross Atlantic trade we orchestrated the attack. Outnumbered though we were we knew that right was on our side.

The heathen rebels put up a stiff initial resistance but their hearts were not in it. How can good Scottish men fight under a foreigners flag? Knowing they were beaten by a truer cause they started to flee. Dropping their arms and running for Aberdeen. The great City of Inverness was restored to the crown, where the Citizens hearts had always been.

Long Live Good King George    

GOD SAVE THE KING!   

Well, need I say more!

The Hanover Hangover #3

Weekly Agony Uncle Column

Hello blossoms

Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of

advice once again.

Book Review

I thought that I would start this issue with a book recommendation. One of my favourite friends has introduced me to a wonderful recent publication called “Ten Nerdy Rhymes for scaredy wee wee soaked Bairns” – an educational primer for Jacobites and other antisocial ne’er do wells. What a jolly fine read it is, full of tongue in cheek humour poking fun at one and all. It has been written by that recent Italian arrival on these shores the Boring Ponce Charlotte. One of his favourite rhymes is : “I’m a lairy Jacobite”, however the author has muddled his translations. As is typical for Italians trying to understand the highland brogue the author has misunderstood several words and Charlotte’s version does lack authenticity. As all true Scotsmen know the correct version reads:

I’m a lairy Jacobite

Big and large

Here’s my claymore

Here’s my targe

If you make me angry

I’ll charge you a crown

Drop my bottle in the heather and then fall down!

Despite the poor translations, revealing an embarrassing lack of local understanding and some good old fashioned Italian misinterpretation of our fine land, this book is still worth a read and can be fun to scare the kids at bed time, or to prop under the leg of a wobbly table.

Its been another bumper post bag this week, so here we go:

Foreign Friends arrive off Orkney

Dear Jolly John

I must write to record the excitement in the Port of Kirkwall this morn. We awoke to see three fine armed schooners flying colours of the tradesmen of the New World. How exciting to meet these wealthy free colonists who are so outraged at the risk to World trade created by the backward Jacobites they have raised a militia to sail to the aid of the mother country. How can we praise our overseas friends enough when they sail so far to help rid us of this lawless backward scourge?

Yours

Alan Parray

Well Alan that is good news indeed. The trans-Atlantic trade has been so important in the growth of wealth for all in the last few generations. The wise leadership of Good king George has created a powerful force for good in the World which has fed and clothed Scots to a level unheard of 50 years ago. It is shocking that the Italian joker feels they have a right to drag the country back to his medieval ways, but good people will not stand for it! No sir, we must applaud our colonial cousins for sending a powerful flotilla and trusty men to guard their valuable trade from the joker.

Hurray for King George and all under his flag!

Rioting in Aberdeen closes our Port

Dear Jolly John

As owner of one of Aberdeen’s finest high fashion houses I write in complete anguish at what has come of us? As you know Aberdeen has been the centre of Scottish fashion for decades. The wise and low tax rule of Good King George and his stylish and rakish Princes has boosted our trade with Denmark and Northern Europe. We have never felt happier or been richer.

Looking forwards to the start of the new fashion season (you should see the adventurous plaid combinations we are creating) we were horrified to awake to a drunken uncontrolled mob of Jacobites filling the main square.

Jacobite law and order

Only a few hundred strong this leaderless mob, often accompanied by a wildly gesturing irrelevant Italian gent none of us recognise, the rioting created has closed our once thriving port and cut us off from our markets.

When will order be restored by our hero Cumberland?

Alexander McQueen the First

Aberdeen

Well Alexander, what a shocker!, It is difficult to know what to say when hearing such a sorry tale of drunken yobbery. Our fine fashion industry, the envy of the World, should not face such backwards calumny. The Italian Joker really has gone too far in his yah boo drunken tour of the Highlands now. It should not be acceptable that good honest folk, going about their business of weaving high fashion garments, like the sporran, which are in high demand on the continent, should have to tolerate this disruption to their trade. The Boring Ponce really cant get his spaghetti addled brain round the fact that we Brits just don’t want him here!

Fear not Alexander. A reckoning is coming.

QUIZ

One of my eagle eyed reader sent in this word search. See how many common phrases, on the lips

of the people currently today, you can find:

The Hanover Hangover #2

Weekly Agony Uncle Column

Hello blossoms

Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again. These are funny times we are living through, I sense so much anger and stress out there, and so many poorly co-ordinated plaid ensembles on the street…quite the shocker.

I received a strange letter in response to one of my dear correspondents last week and print it below, unedited and in full:

Dear Jolly John

I thought I’d pen a response to the feverishly excited Miss Chastity Delayed and her gushings regarding the famous Butcher Cumberland.

I bumped into my hero Cumberland while travelling around Flanders. I say bumped into, couldn’t avoid him really as his reputation is huge, a proper chap’s chap who loves his sausages!

He has much experience of the military mainly through his many battles, directing from a position of pre-eminence which he dominates by his great gravitas. He crushes his enemies with his enormous heft, he is the solution we need.

No normal horse can carry such a man, so he’s taken to travelling around on a mighty creature often mistaken (by the uneducated) to be a ‘water horse’ or as the swarthy Greeks call it a hippopotamus. Mind you it’s difficult to know where such a mighty horse ends and such a powerful man begins such is their joint charisma.

I’m convinced from focusing my admittedly feeble mind for an exhausting 5 minutes that my dear friend Cumberland has the appetites of a god, as well as the attributes. (God is a pig for shaming us mere mortals with his presence – Revelatory moment).

Good job he’s in Flanders and that has given me the chance to slip up a Clyde-sider! Trouble is there’ll be no enemies of England left in Flanders soon if the good old boy gets his way and is left to his own devices, that’s when he’ll probably come after me! Let’s all pray for a change sharpish so that we can ban bloated blusterers and return our shores to happy peaceful time.

Yours etc etc

George of Atholl (toothbrush salesman)

Well Georgie Peorgie how lovely of you to record your deep affection for the Nations hero: Cumberland. I must say I am a little surprised at your fervour, as you have been noted for your affinity with the enemies of this realm in times past. I hope your old friends are comfortable with your new found loyalties…or you could be in for some difficult conversations.

PS – General Cope says your 50 Guineas are in the usual drop box – stay lucky!!

Dear Jolly John

Having read Miss Chastity Delayed’s fine letter last week, and similarly heard that the dashing Prince William Duke of Cumberland is due back on these shores soon, I was horrified to awake this morning to a rabble of Irish and Highland drunks in our streets. From dreams of civilised dance parties I have found myself in the midst of a disorganised belching several hundred strong posse of uncouth foreigners. Without visible leadership and lacking any form of coherent organisation the rabble spends its time telling distorted tales of wanting to join with some continental European alliances and getting teary eyed over an imagined past of highland greatness. Much drinking is in evidence and petty larceny!

When oh when will our hero William come to our aid and restore order!

Mrs Ample Chestcannon

Inverness

Greetings Mrs Chestcannon

How shocking, my commiserations that you find yourself beset by such a leaderless mob. Unfortunately the influence of the Italian Court Jester the Boring Ponce Charlotte (also strangely sometimes going by his Italian name Maria Severino!) has had this effect on some simple-minded folk from the hills. When a certain type of person, tutored in the loose morals of the continent, is allowed to wander and associate freely they can lead the simple-minded astray.

I note that you have not seen the Ponce himself, but I guess he is still cavorting in Palazzo Mutton where he grew up, completely unaware of the ill effects his japes are having on the idle sheep herders of these parts. I am sure that the forces of sane Government are at work as we speak and that order will be restored in your streets before too long.

I would suggest that you take solace in this old Highland song, sung last time such a crowd was in town:

Dear Jolly John

Business is business and we, the Tobacco Barons of Glasgow, are very concerned by rumours of unrest in the far North of our great country. The Union of Scotland to England has brought great wealth to our Nation. Good King George’s fine navy ensures that we can benefit greatly from our trade with the American Colonies. A trade that brings vast wealth into Scotland through the positive health benefits of tobacco.

The Young Pretender, obsessed with his Italian roots, seems intent on destroying this vibrant relationship with the great health food producers of the New World. How can we free ourselves from those who cannot embrace the future and live only in a bottle and the past?

Smoke in Peace Man

Andrew Buchannan

Glasgow

Wise words Andrew,

It is always great to hear from a representative of the health food industry. I couldn’t start the day without a hot chocolate and a steamy bowlful of best Virginian! We can all heartily agree that the interconnected World we now live in, with trade hubbing from Britain to the America’s, Europe and on into the Orient is a blessing for us all. This modern World is united by the life-blood of Dutch finance. Such a long way from the backward insular small World forced upon us by the inbred and poverty stricken Stuarts. No-one seriously wants to go back there.

The forces of entrepreneurial mercantile Scotland are united in their understanding that the House of Hanover stands for high finance and wealth for everyone and through our powerful Navy provides for free trade with our neighbours and colonies. Lets all make sure that the people’s money and investments are kept safe from the unfunny Jester of Italy and his beskirted hoodlams.

GOD SAVE THE KING!

The Hanover Hangover #1

Weekly Agony Uncle Column

Hello blossoms

Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again. I am not sure what is happening to make it so busy but it’s been a bumper postbag this week, so let’s go straight to our first letter:

Dear Jolly John

Och what am I to do? I live by the sea and I woke up the other day tae see a funny looking little foreigner has moved into my village. He speaks a foreign language and daes nae eat oats for his brekkie but prefers pasta. When I offered him a pint a heavy he said in his squeeky girlie accent that he would rather hae a glass o’ chianti!. He has a few friends with him, rather effete looking clansmen not from round here, and they talk endlessly about marching to London and sing their foreign songs until late at night and right scare the tarmigans. How can I deal with this upstart foreigner?

Tavish McSporran

Lochcarron

Oh Tavish, it does appear that you have met with that jolly japester the Bonnie Ponce Charlotte (so named after his affectation as a young man of wearing girls dresses and playing hide the haggis with the stable lads). He is a funny fellow and set to cause a bit of trouble this year I wouldn’t hazard. 

Bored of doing the rounds on the continent and irritating his fellow continentals with his endless  whingeing and cross dressing I had heard he was heading over here to try it on in the north. We can seek some inspiration on how to deal with him in the amusing anthem written about him a few years ago by that popular chamber quartet “Queen”:Oh yes I'm the great Pretender (ooh ooh)

Pretending I'm doing well (ooh ooh)

My need is such I pretend too much

I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes I'm the great Pretender (pooh pooh)

Adrift in a world on my own (pooh pooh)

I play the game but to my real shame

I only ever roll double ones

Too real is this feeling of make believe

Too real when I see my porridge congeal

Ooh ooh yes I'm the great Pretender (pooh pooh)

Just laughing and gay and a clown (pooh pooh)

I seem to be what I'm not (you see)

I'm wearing a pigs arse like a crown

Pretending that I can stick around

Yes Bonnie Ponce Charlotte is a bit of a bore, but is sad and lonely really. We all know how to deal with sad lonely people don’t we Tavish?...we turn our backs to them and ignore them whilst engaging with much more interesting and worthwhile people around us. Don’t you worry Tavish, there is a Cope-ing strategy and it is heading north with several thousand bayonets, you will have much better company soon.

Dear Jolly John

I am so excited as I hear that Butcher Cumberland is coming soon and I am really eager to meet this  great humanitarian. I think he is so handsome and brave, how can I be sure to be invited to a ball so I  can have a ball?

Miss Chastity Delayed

Edinburgh

Well hello Miss Chastity

Yes, I have heard the rumour too that the well known raconteur Butcher Cumberland is heading back  to these shores. It is worth remembering how that celebrated humanitarian won his sobriquet: because of his famous enormous sausage (unlike the Bonnie Ponce Charlottes rather miserable wee floppy sausage) and his habit of handing out large quantities to the locals. Famous on the continent for ensuring the very best cuts of meat from his kitchens are mixed into a fabulous spicy sausage the charming gent hands out fists full of the fine charcuterie at every stop on his journeys. So famous are his generous sausage-fests that he earned the nickname “The Butcher”. Fabulous!

I can see exactly why you would be excited Miss Chastity. Fear not, when Butcher Cumberland is in town there is sausage enough for all the girls!

Dear Jolly John

I live on the south coast and am always concerned at what is happening over the horizon. I hear that the French are plotting against us, what are we to do?

Good Upstanding Citizen of Brighton (possibly the only one!)

Dear Good Citizen of Brighton

The French are always both an amusement and a worry but all good Hanoverians know how best to deal with them. If any of our readers can’t remember exactly who the French are here is a useful map showing how best to engage with them