Alien Storm (2026)

This was a screener request from producer Sonny Mahal, and since I'd been meaning to catch a Mahal Empire film anyway, this seemed like a perfect opportunity. Then when I saw the runtime of 75 minutes, it seemed like an even more perfect opportunity--which is that even a thing? Once something's perfect it can't be more perfect, can it?

Alien Storm is about a global alien invasion where the aliens are using a fog to cover large urban areas and knock out electricity and communications, then swarm in and kill as many people as they can. When the fog hits Las Vegas, it does so as airline CEO Frank McConnely and his wife Ophelia (Robert Standley and Laura Mason) are hosting a bougie party at the mansion he probably bought through cutting his employees' wages and his stock buyback bonuses. Luckily, all that money he made off his employees from their labor allowed him to also build a bunker in his mansion, and buy a bunch of firearms to go with it. But will all this be enough when the aliens come marching in looking to kill everyone in their path?

On a recent Bulletproof Action podcast episode discussing the Dolph Lundgren classic Showdown in Little Tokyo, Ryan Campbell said something to the effect of "if your movie's only 75 minutes, it's automatically at least a 7 out of 10," and this film is no exception to that rule, it's definitely in that 7-8 out of 10 range, or a solid 4 out of 5 stars. The runtime isn't the only thing it has to hang its hat on, we also have great practical gore effects, fun performances by Tom Arnold and Kevin Sorbo in their short time on screen, and fantastic-looking aliens that really feel authentic. The one issue I had with it was I didn't find the two main characters, the CEO and his wife, all that likeable, but even with them the actors playing them, Robert Standley and Laura Mason, gave us some great moments--it's just, how much am I relating to a CEO and his wife with a bunch of guns ordering people around in their mansion and accompanying bunker? This brings me back to the runtime though, even if I don't like the main characters, I'm not with them long enough for them to really get under my skin, and in the meantime I can enjoy everything else that's working for me, and the next thing I know the credits are rolling and I can say I had a fun time. If you're looking for a fun watch that doesn't ask a lot of you, this is worth checking out.

Recently I watched Edward L. Cahn's Invasion of the Saucer Men, which plays out similarly to this, the only difference is our heroes were two teens who accidentally ran over an alien on their way back from their make-out spot, and spent the movie trying to get people to believe them. It's easier to relate to teens than bougie CEOs and their spouses I think. Even when the actors tried to infuse some humanity into their characters after their daughter dies, it's like "that's great that we see the CEO and his wife's humanity, but does he see his employees' humanity when he's removing them from a spreadsheet to inflate profits so he can get a better bonus from the board of directors?" Hey, bunkers and guns cost money, right? Thinking about leads that would've worked better, their kids Grace and Bernie (Molly Jean Edwards and William Delesk) are a great place to start, but this movie actually takes that in a different direction on us, which I can appreciate. Another possibility for me was Elley Ringo's reporter character, Jenna Fishel, who had a lot of main character potential, and I think could've carried the film. Imagine a situation where she's there in part to hook up with Tom Arnold, but also to investigate how McConnely's company is ripping off customers with various add-ons and upcharges, while firing workers who try to unionize, and suddenly she's stuck in this alien invasion scenario. Now we're all in and want to see how she manages.

One of the biggest criticisms of my reviews is that I appear to be obsessed with runtime, and that's fair, but I think this film shows how a shorter runtime can really help the overall enjoyment of it. Going back to Edward L. Cahn, most of his films in the 50s and 60s also ran between 65 and 75 minutes (for example, Invasion of the Saucer Men was a cool 69 minutes--hey oh!), and that made sense, because not only did it help the budget, but it was easier for theaters at that time to fit in multiple showings and turn over the screening rooms, thus making them more money; plus the growing TV market could fit those movies more easily into various time slots. Now it's more about the fact that we have so many options for entertainment--a kid in a small town in the 60s may have only had that local indie theater for entertainment, while today they have myriad options at their fingertips (and unfortunately that local movie theater probably went out of business as a result)--so we often need entertainment that doesn't ask a lot of our time. That's why people binge a lot of TV shows, maybe they spend hours in total doing it, but each 45-minute episode doesn't seem like that much on its own. And I think this can lead to a rising tide raises all ships effect, because if I see this at 75 minutes and have a good time, which I did, I'm going to look on IMDb and see what other movies the people involved have done, and may be more likely to pop back on Tubi and fire up another not long after. For aspiring young indie filmmakers out there, remember, less runtime is better.

There is a large, Herculean elephant in the room that we have to address, and I'm probably walking in it by addressing it, but let's do it anyway. Mr. Kevin Sorbo, Hercules himself, has a small role as the president, but does a great job. The movie uses this ingenious plot device to give us an info dump that fills us in on the movie's backstory, which Sorbo plays a great part in making work. Essentially, Sorbo's staff has been doing a horrible job keeping him informed, and now that the excrement is coming into violent contact with the air circulating device, they have to tell him everything they haven't been telling him, and we get to hear it. In the process, he reminds us of what a great straight man he was on Hercules as he's like "what the hell is wrong with you people?", which was a lot of fun for me to see, and made the whole thing work. In the past however many years he's become a right wing meme of himself, to the point that I almost wondered if he was posting things like "secure our boarders" [sic] just to give the left wing grift more content. Like you can see Keith Olbermann's people being like "what should we post about today?" "Let's get Sorbo to make another crazy uncle post." "Great idea!" The thing is, while I couldn't give a shit less about Olbermann, I'm a fan of Sorbo's work, and would love to see him in more stuff like this, and I don't think I'm alone in that. I'm not trying to do the "shut up and dribble" thing, if he feels that strongly about his beliefs and wants to Tweet about them or whatever, more power to him; and I don't even know if posting less of that kind of stuff would get him more roles, but maybe it's just a reminder to him that Hercules had a large, diverse fan base from myriad backgrounds who enjoyed the show because of him, not in spite of him, and I think if he catered less to a small segment of that fandom and more to all of us, I think he'd find that more of us than he thinks would come back and embrace his work again.

Finally, usually this paragraph is designated for a tangential fact about the movie that relates to something else in my life, but I wanted instead to discuss the movie more. I understand that practical effects are not always practical in the modern age, especially with tight budgets and tight shooting schedules, but I feel like this movie gives other filmmakers a great road map on how to make it work. Shooting guns, probably better to keep CGI, when you're working on a tight shooting schedule, it's one less danger to worry about. Probably can say the same thing about explosions. Gore effects though are a lot of fun when done practically, and while they may take a lot of time to put together, I think the payoff is much greater than the payoff you'd get by shooting real blank rounds versus CGI rounds. And then you have the aliens. Real people in real suits is so much more fun than ones created through CGIs. Maybe you use the CGIs to enhance them, but when the overall effect is done with a real suit, you can't compare it, it's like high-fructose corn syrup versus real cane sugar. Again, going back to runtime, if you cut it down from 95 minutes to 75 minutes, the money saved from fewer shooting days can go into creating a few real alien suits, and I think if you asked moviegoers which they prefer, 95 minutes and CGI aliens or 75 minutes and real alien suits, they'd choose the latter. 

And with that, let's wrap this up. Currently you can get this as rent VOD on Amazon for $3.99. If you're looking for a fun time, and want to support indie films, this is a great option. Thank you to Sonny Mahal for sending this over to us, I really enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to checking our more Mahal Empire films!

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt24070874

Realm of Shadows (2024)

This is another film producer Joe Williamson asked us to review, a horror anthology from writer/director/actor Jimmy Drain, featuring names like Mel Novak, Tony Todd, Vernon Wells, Richard Tyson, and Harley Wallen, a director we usually see when Joe sends us a screener, but here appears in a cameo at the end. Let's see how this one did.

Realm of Shadows is less an anthology and more a collection of short films made my Jimmy Drain, many of which feature him as the male lead. They deal with issues like witches who are feminists (haven't seen that trope before!), women who get impregnated by warlocks (sans Mia farrow and John Cassavetes), and spells to make women have sex with guys (a little on the rape-y side post-Cosby). Around these short films we have a group of witches trying to get a dagger, and using a Ouija board to get it. Suddenly at the end, Tony Todd shows up, Vernon Wells reveals himself to be leading the witches, and Harley Wallen and Richard Tyson look like witch hunters ready to take down the dagger witches. And then the movie ends.

And that's the movie. The most interesting and most exciting stuff all comes at the end. I can't knock it though, if I were Jimmy Drain, it sounds like a great idea: package all my short films, then get some big names to do some small scenes around them, and voila you're swimming in Tubi streams. I think the problem I had with this compared to other anthologies Joe has had us look at, is those ones were collections of short films all with similar themes, and all done by different directors, so we get unique voices and performances, which is something we needed here. The other thing is I think some of the stories had issues. Again, we probably never should've done the "spell cast to make a girl like you" paradigm, because it always had overtones of foregoing consent, but post-Cosby it should be totally off the table--though to be fair to Mr. Drain, the cellphone his character has looks like something out of 2008, so maybe he made it pre-Cosby? Also, the loaded trope of the feminists who are really just man-hating witches is also both dated and probably never should've been a thing to begin with. There were a couple shorts that were done more like silent films--perhaps because the audio was bad when they recorded them?--and while I liked that idea, we needed some inter-titles to know what was going on. I'm all for people making it happen in a creative field, and Jimmy Drain's short films here are no different; but I think overall, I just could've used a bit more from the stories, and more of the great stuff at the end.

My number one performance was Tony Todd, who I love anyway. This is now 7 films for him on the site, perhaps the most memorable being his turn as a baddie in Sabotage, but even here, he's just another level in the few scenes he's in. We have two names that are hitting their 12th film on the site, Mel Novak and Vernon Wells. Novak of course is a mainstay in the films Joe asks us to review, and he's always a lot of fun, playing a priest in the bumpers between shorts, who's then later revealed to be buddies with Tony Todd. That's the movie I need, those two as priests vanquishing evil. And perhaps that evil could be in the form of baddie Vernon Wells, who in this just appears at the end when he's revealed to be the one directing the witches coven seeking the dagger. It's always great to see these guys in movies, and despite having scant roles here, it was no less great to see them.

Often when I'm reviewing a movie, I pick my favorite supporting character, and here I had a clear winner. Look at how great that guy above is. He's either a priest, or he's selling beers in the stands at a baseball game, or he's a transient short order cook who may or may not have a rap sheet and who may or may not occasionally sleep out of his Chevy Ranger as he's traveling the country, starting over in a new city after he's worn out his welcome in the last one. As a priest he's telling Jimmy Drain--who I guess in this short is a college professor, or a grad student teaching English classes?--not to succumb to temptation when one of his students wants to hook up with him. What Drain apparently cuts out is our priest asking Drain after for $20 to float him through to payday. I don't know who he is, because his picture isn't on IMDb, and with these being shorts, characters were in and out so fast it was hard to know who anyone was--and I have a hunch the no image on IMDb is by design, the last thing he needs is the landlord in Des Moines that he skipped out on finding out where he is, or that guy in Poughkeepsie that he owes $500 to. Either way, here's to you this guy, you were fantastic.

Jimmy! Jimm-May! I love that the creative force behind these films isn't James Drain or Jim Drain, but Jimmy Drain. "Who do you put your bets in with?" "Jimmy the Drain over on 2nd and Wolf. They call him 'the Drain' because all your money goes down the drain with him!" Being of part-Irish decent, I've had family members call me "Matty" before, the same way my late grandfather was a "Jimmy," so not only I can appreciate it, I like that he's embracing it. I can also appreciate that he had all these short films, and he wanted to package them into something that can make him money. The problem was, the best stuff came with his bumpers and the final denouement, which I think made the shorts look worse by comparison. I hope he makes that second movie that the end of this one teases, because I think it could be really good. While I appreciate why he packaged all his shorts into this film, I'm rooting for him to make it happen with more full-length features.

Finally, look at that phone. I think I last had one like that in 2012. After that I got my brother's iPhone 4, and have been using iPhones ever since, going from that to my wife's i6, which I broke, forcing me to get the SE I have now. My dad has never been up on technology, but he finally had to get a flip phone when my mom got rid of their landline. He was saying how he never uses it, and I tried to explain to him how much I use mine for. The obvious one is texting, but it's not just phone texting, but messaging on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter/X. I use Apple Pay to make almost all of my purchases, plus I can ride the subway or the bus here in Philadelphia with Apple Pay, along with the subways/buses in New York, Boston, and Chicago. That means in those cities, I don't need to bother with getting a subway pass or ticket. My train tickets and plane tickets are on my phone, along with any sporting events I attend. If I'm lost, I can open my phone and find out where I am so I don't need to ask strangers for help. There's also the bad, like how I have all my work apps on my phone too, so I can see off hours when someone is pinging me--but even that can also be a good thing, because I can step away from the computer during work hours and still be available if someone needs me for something. Seeing that old phone made me a bit nostalgic, and there was maybe a romantic sense hearkening back to a simpler time, but how much better was that simpler time? Needing to get tokens or have a unique card for every city I went to to ride their subway? Making sure I had my plane ticket and boarding pass, and didn't lose them? I remember my friend forgetting our tickets to Gwar and realizing it when we were three hours from our dorm at UMaine. He had to buy us all new tickets when we got to the show in Worcester. Now he'd have the tickets on his phone--unless he still has a phone like that one.

And with that, let's wrap this up. You can currently get this on Tubi here in the States. While it has some moments, the thing I really want to see is the next movie that's teased at the end. By the same token, I'm always a proponent of supporting indie filmmakers, and you can support Jimmy Drain by just streaming this. It's a nice use of 90 minutes of your time, and you may find yourself enjoying some of the stories.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10619392

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Finding Purpose: The Road to Redemption (2019)

Back in September, our friend, producer Joe Williamson, reached out to see if I could watch and review this film for him. I said yes, but then I ran into the issues that led to a short hiatus for the DTVC on both the site and the pod, and when I got things back on the rails, it wasn't even me watching new movies, I was just reviewing from the backlog of things I'd already seen. Now it's April and I'm finally getting around to making this happen.

Finding Purpose: The Road to Redemption is written, directed, and stars John Reign as a former vet who fought in the Balkans and who's now caring for his developmentally delayed brother (Tom Stoops) along with his wife Skye (Dawna Lee Heising). After John gets a terminal cancer diagnosis, and one of his friends from the war passes and leaves him with some money and a motorcycle with a side car, John decides to go on a road trip to give back to some of the families of the men who served with him, plus patch things up with his estranged daughter, who doesn't know he's her dad. Will he get the redemption he seeks before he dies?

 

This was an earnest attempt at an honest, feelgood movie, and with that in mind, I want to use my review to give it the proper respect it deserves. I liked the idea of this story, and I liked how he used a lot of non-actors to give it a more down-to-earth feel. By the same token, I think Reign betrayed the feeling he was going for in a few areas. First, poor Dawna Lee Heising's character is put through the ringer. She swims in a pond and gets leeches on her. Then she's in a boat on that same pond with John, and he absentmindedly tips the boat so she falls in. After that she gets sprayed by a skunk, and then for good measure, a snake crawls up her pajama pant leg. All because she's supporting her husband and going on this trip with him. There's also a scene where they go to a wing joint that looks like a pretty rough place, and she says multiple times "I don't feel comfortable with this," and he insists on them going in anyway. I'm not sure how that's supposed to endear ourselves to John, both as the character, because this is how he treats his wife; but then as a filmmaker, as this his how he treats the character of the wife. In addition to that, the element of the estranged daughter seemed to come out of nowhere, and maybe I missed the mentions earlier in the film, but I feel like it's something that could have been sprinkled in throughout the film so it didn't feel so grafted on. I saw people online who killed this movie, and I saw people giving it a 10 our of 10, but I think the reality, as in most cases, was somewhere in between.

I could tell this was a passion project for John Reign, and it felt like everyone involved got what he wanted and were as invested in what he was trying to do. I think film making like that is what this site was meant to celebrate, but by the same token, I think it's important to give as honest a take on the film as the honest attempt that was made to make it. One of the things about the passion project is it can veer into the vanity project quickly, which is something we've seen a lot of on this site, and might be why seeing that it was Dawna Lee Heising's wife character that was put through the ringer instead of John's character was such a red flag. We normally see this kind of vanity thing in an action film. Maybe a Seagal or Van Damme gets to beat everyone up and get the girl; instead here, John Reign gets to observe unscathed while his wife gets leeches on her from swimming in a pond. Had these things happened to John instead, it would have made his character more endearing. On the other hand, do we want to see someone who's dying of cancer getting sprayed by a skunk? So maybe no one gets sprayed by the skunk or bitten by leeches then?

The one place that I thought really worked was how John illustrated the bond his character had with the people he served with. It transcended the standard "thank you for your service" approach we see in a lot of movies about war veterans, and gave us something really unique. I also liked the way he demonstrated how that bond was felt by the generations that followed them, as he interacted with the kids of the people he served with; but then also the generations before when he visits the mother of one of the men who died in his unit. He tries to explain how her son died a hero, to which she responds that if her son had been a coward, she'd still have her son. I don't know that I needed more of that kind of scene, because I think one of those scenes was powerful enough on its own; I think it was more that when that scene comes after Dawna Lee Heising gets sprayed by a skunk, it's maybe hard for me to switch gears.

One thing I didn't know about this film until I looked it up on IMDb when I started writing this post, is that this is a sequel. The first film was just Finding Purpose, and it followed John as he dealt with PTSD after his time in the Balkans and he loses his developmentally delayed brother to the state. I don't know if seeing the first one would have changed how I felt about this film, just because I think the issues I had with it were still the issues whether I learned more of the backstory first, but also I think what I liked still would have been what I liked too. The one area that I may have gotten a better sense of was his relationship with the social worker who checked in on him and his brother early in this movie. I don't know if the estranged daughter was brought up in that one too, making it perhaps feel less of a tacked on thing here.

 

Finally, this is more of a general concern I have with screeners. Don't get me wrong, I always feel appreciative when someone comes to me to screen a film for our site, as it's been a part of this DTVC experience that I never saw coming when I started everything, and the ability to help get the word out on an indie production is something I love being able to do; but these large watermarks in the screeners reminding us that the film is not to distributed illegally are getting excessive. I get it, when you've poured not only your heart and soul into a project, but so have all the people helping you along the way, you want to protect your creation as much as you can; by the same token, these things can be obtrusive to the overall watching experience. Does it have to be a static watermark? Could it be a periodic crawl that rolls along the bottom of the screen? Something that doesn't interfere with my ability to watch and enjoy the film.

And with that, let's wrap this up. This can be rented for a dollar on Prime right now. I don't think that's a high price to pay for supporting an indie filmmaker. One word of caution though: IMDb lists this as a 90-minute runtime, but when I watched the screener I was given the link to, it clocked in at 100 minutes.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10332260

And if you haven't yet, check out my novel, Chad in Accounting, in paperback or on Kindle!

 

Nemesis 5: The New Model (2017)

When you look at Albert Pyun's IMDb page, there is a lot of stuff in progress, but this was one that was already in the can and available on Prime and Tubi, so I wanted to make it happen, especially since I'd done the other four films in the series. On the other hand, Pyun didn't direct this, which had me wondering what I was in for. I guess the only way to find out is to dive in.

Nemesis 5 starts further in the future, where Alex Sinclair (still played by Sue Price) is training an orphan she came across after one of her missions. She trains this orphan, and when she grows up (the grown-up played by Schuylar Craig), sends her back in time to take down the Red Army and their campaign of misinformation before they can create the horrible future that everyone is living in. Along the way, she has to fight the Red Army's goons, looking to stop her at any price. Will she succeed?

This is definitely an interesting addition to the Nemesis story--and to some extent it feels like a place holder before Pyun really wanted to bring it all together by combing the Nemesis world with the Cyborg and Omega Doom worlds. That said, it's very low budget, and probably only for Nemesis completists--and from the IMDb user reviews, a lot of them weren't happy with it either. It wasn't as bad as those 1s and 2s would have you believe though, it had its bright moments, like the lead, Schuylar Craig. She's worked with the director, Dustin Ferguson before, but also fit really well into the kind of strong female lead Pyun likes to use. I also liked Mel Novak and Dawna Lee Heising, but they're only in it at the very end. And I think that's where the budget constraints really hurt us. It would've been cool to see the scene where Craig confronts Novak and Heising set in either a large boardroom, or a darkened underground layer--something with a lot of atmosphere that the previous entries gave us. And maybe that's the ultimate conclusion here, it's good, but it could have been better.

Albert Pyun didn't direct this, he was the executive producer, and Dustin Ferguson was the director. Don't get me wrong, I think Dustin Ferguson is very good, and good at what he does in the low-budget realm in particular, but you can see how in that scene I described above with Craig, Novak, and Heising, that he's not quite Pyun when it comes to Pyun's aesthetic. You can talk budget constraints to me all you want, but Pyun did Deceit over three nights for $25,000 using equipment that he already had to rent to do the Cyborg reshoots, and that movie had atmosphere for days. That older Noirish element that Pyun brought to the previous installments, plus the Russ Meyer 60s exploitation and 50s/60s low-budget sci-fi, all mixed with 80s cyberpunk in his own unique Pyun flair is a hard thing to pull off, even if he's approving everything that's happening. There was a part of me, as I watched this, that couldn't help but wonder what this film would have looked like if Albert made it himself twenty years ago. It definitely would have been a different movie.

That being said, when you look at Dustin Ferguson's previous work, it's pretty much all horror, so this is definitely a departure from that, and for someone who's just switching over to sci-fi, this is a challenging way to do it. Yes, we have to judge a movie solely on its merits, but I think for a first sci-fi effort, and working within the confines of a budget, he did well here considering. It'll be interesting to see if Pyun farms more of his projects out to other directors in the future, and which directors he chooses for that. Obviously I'd always prefer Pyun to direct, but for me, if the choice is the work gets farmed out or it never happens at all, I'll choose the former; and I also like the idea of giving it to someone like Ferguson so he can grow as a director and add something more to his toolkit, because that only makes his work better and gives us more enjoyment when we watch his films too.

As I mentioned above, this may have been a placeholder for things to come with Pyun, and you get that sense just by looking at his in-development credits on IMDb. One is Cyborg Nemesis: Dark Rift, which just sounds too amazing for words. We also have Cyborg: Rise of the Flesh Eaters, which Pyun is attached to, but could also be like Nemesis 5, a means to get us to that merging of the two stories. On top of that, Pyun has two Kickboxer sequels listed starring Sasha Mitchell. In looking into some of these, I realized that I missed out on some GoFundMe campaigns while I was on hiatus to back some of these projects, but hopefully, Albert's health allowing, we'll get to see some of these make it to us in some form.

Finally, it would be good here to discuss some of the stars of the film. It'll be interesting to see if Schuylar Craig reprises her role in future Nemesis films, or if she makes her way into more Pyun films, because I think she matches what he wants in that strong female lead. Mel Novak is someone who we've seen on the site a few times, and also has the distinction of being someone who has played the president in one of our movies. I'd say he may be the one people would recognize the most, with Dawna Lee Heising second, and they both share the screen a bunch at the end, but aren't in it much before that. And then Sue Price reprises her role from the original films, but isn't in this much beyond the beginning in her role as the one passing the torch on to Craig. She's done some other films with Ferguson after coming back to make this, so we may have to check those out as well.

And with that we wrap this up. Right now you can stream this for free on Tubi. I think that's a good way to do it, that way you can decide for yourself if you want to pay to get it on DVD. The hope is that, health and resources willing, this is the start of more to come from Pyun, and if that's the case, I can't wait to see what we get.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7008310

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)

During my time on hiatus, one of the greatest cult classics ever released a crowdfunded sequel, and when I came off of hiatus, I saw it as a priority to get it up as soon as possible. But then other things got in the way, as there were tons of other films that I needed to make happen in the meantime, so this ended up languishing in the hopper. Well, we're finally making it happen, so let's see if it was worth the wait. Also, our friends Mitch at the Video Vacuum and robotGEEK's Cult Cinema have looked at this, so you can go to their sites to see what they thought.

Samurai Cop 2 takes place about 25 years after the first one. Matt Karedas (Hannon) is called back into action after a Yakuza gang war ignites, and his old partner tracks a series of medallions at the crime scenes to Karedas's forgery (is that the right name for a place that makes things out of metal? Blacksmithery? Mintery?) All the while, there's a mysterious woman who's hooking up with Matt, Bai Ling is acting off the chain, Tommy Wiseau is there, and Joe Estevez and Mel Novak, oh my!

I don't know where to go with this. It's not like the last one where my hang-up over the Bacon Grease Fu made me question what was an otherwise great time. In fact, I had to watch this one twice, because I couldn't believe I didn't love it right away. How could I not like something where Joe is ordering kombucha on a plane? Or a film that has Mel Novak seemingly just to have him? Mel Novak is there for my benefit as a fan of these kinds of movies, and to not like this film felt a little ungrateful. But the issue is something Ty and Brett from Comeuppance Reviews said on a podcast where I brought up this same issue: you can't manufacture a cult classic, and I feel like therein lies the rub. Take the Joe ordering kombucha on a plane scene. At the same time, we have the restaurant concierge from the first one wheeling out a drink cart, and then Bai Ling comes with the dial cranked up to 13, screaming and sending this floating ball into a mass of CGIs, causing a fight scene with more CGIs all over the place, and we're left with a sense that it's all too much. You had me at kombucha, you didn't need the rest.

By the same token, when I get to the credits and I see all of the people who donated getting a thank you from the filmmakers with all of their names listed, there's another part of me that appreciates everything they were trying for here. The best analogy I can come up with is the cheesesteak here in Philadelphia. I like mine with cheese wiz on it, but not all places that make them get how it should be done. Some just slather it on the bun like they're painting a barn, and I don't know that they're doing it that way to be dismissive--some are for sure--, I think they're doing it to be like "you like wiz? I got you man!" The really good ones treat the wiz like they would provolone or American, they put it on the shaved rib-eye while it's on the grill with the onions, so all three meld into something both unctuous, and disastrous for my arteries at the same time. I think this movie slathered on the wiz, instead of doing like they would one with provolone, and the result, despite the best of intentions, was too much. I think if they had played it straight a little more, and let the onions, wiz, and shaved rib-eye come together, that mess of grease, cheese wiz, meat, and carmelized onions on a roll still would have had the punch they wanted, it just wouldn't have felt like too much, so we would've gotten it down better.

Bai Ling is exactly what I'm talking about here. Bai Ling unleashed on 13 with the knob ripped off is too obvious and too much; but Bai Ling on 6, like she was in The Breed or Circle of Pain, and she elevates the material she's working with beyond its limitations, like the budget, but it's still something that we as an audience can still have a lot of fun with. The movie overall felt too much like an everything but the kitchen sink kind of deal, and maybe in some instances you need that, but for a Samurai Cop sequel, we don't need it. Hell, I think you rearrange the plot and make Bai Ling your queen baddie, again, let her play it straight, but still have fun with it. Bai Ling is someone who can pull that off.

I'm all for the classic, buy up everything at the local fetish store, cast some adult actresses, and load up on all the low-budget mainstays you can find--Julie Strain made a great career in films like that, but again, I come back to the fact that, as fun and low-budget as a lot of her movies were, they played it straight. Shane Ryan, Tommy Wiseau, and Lexi Belle can all work, but I think it becomes too much if it's let's be as goofy as possible and not care what happens. Part of what made The Room a cult classic on its own was the fact that Tommy Wiseau was playing it straight. I'm not saying not have fun with it, and I had fun with elements of this, it's just at a certain point this turns from being the funny kid in school to being the kid who jumps on his desk and you're just hoping the teacher will send him to the principal's office; and the thing is, I was pulling for this movie, and it pains me a bit to say it ventured into the latter territory for me.

That begs the question then, what would your Samurai Cop 2 have been? There's a part of me that thinks it should have been a scene by scene remake of part 1 with Bai Ling in Robert Z'Dar's part. Or at least a similar idea to part 1. Use Wiseau and Ryan if you need to, but make them bit parts, like guys Joe has to question for information--or maybe since Ryan does all those exploitation films, he could be the guy Ling has to sneak into the hospital to behead. Get a lot of that green screen and mysticism out of there, go bare bones like the first one, or like a classic AIP actioner. You can still be in on the joke and play it straight. And then maybe incorporate some of the goofiness of this. Maybe Wiseau is a goofball when they need to interrogate him. Maybe Bai Ling has one flip-out scene on her henchwomen--who can still be Gentlemen's Cinema actresses in outfits from the local fetish shop--in fact I think it's even better if they're there and you're playing it straight.

This is a tough no for me, which is different from a hard no, even though tough and hard can mean the same thing, in this case they don't. I wanted to like this, and at moments I did, but overall I think it was played too goofy, and playing it that way didn't work they way it should have. Right now you can stream it on Tubi, and I think that's the best way, that way you'll know if you like it enough to plunk down the cash for the DVD.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3398252