Gladiator Cop (1995)

After having done The Swordsman on here, I figured I'd do the sequel as well, since both were on YouTube, and I wanted to get more Lamas on the site. Sometimes it's a matter of be careful what you wish for. In addition to us, our friends Ty and Brett have covered this one over at Comeuppance, so you can check their site out to see what they thought. Now, without any further ado.

Gladiator Cop is a sequel to The Swordsman insomuch as taking footage off the cutting room floor from the first film and adding in some new stuff can make it a sequel. Lamas reprises his role...err...the footage of him from the first film is reused, as the museum head from the first one steals the sword of Alexander and gives it to a background dancer from the Bad video to use in underground swordfighting tournaments. Enter James Hong, who wants his warrior to fight Lamas to settle another reincarnation score from two thousand years ago. How can Lamas fight him if he's not really in this movie? Put a mask on another actor and you're all set.

I had no idea this movie was like this. I saw the first one, then just jumped into this one, and realized they were using footage from the first one. And even the things that I didn't recognize, I could tell they'd just been pulled from things in the first one that didn't make the final cut. That makes this a unique kind of bait-and-switch. They essentially Richard Harrison-ed Lamas into this sequel to take advantage of his popularity at the time on Renegade. Then, 16-year-old Matt is supposed to go into my local video store, see Lamas on the cover, and think "oh hey, that's Reno Raines! Let me check that out." Check and mate. Where does that leave us though? I mean, there is the novelty that this movie exists as it does, but it also has the feel of two films cobbled together without the charm of Godfrey Ho's ninja films. If the person playing Lamas in the fights had been wearing a ninja costume with the word "Ninja" on the headband, I think we would have enjoyed it more.

Of the other Hall of Famers, I can think of two who have been in similar circumstances. Cynthia Rothrock was in 24 Hours to Midnight, where someone else played her in a ninja costume; and then Fred Williamson did a fourth Black Cobra film where they just used footage from the previous ones and cobbled it together. The thing is though, those other two were made outside the US, and outside of SAG's jurisdiction. This on the other hand, as far as I could tell, was SAG sanctioned, and even had James Hong in it to boot. Also, it wasn't just Lamas's footage that was reused, they did the same thing with Claire Stansfield. I mean maybe Lamas signed off on it: what easier way to get a payday than to be in a film you don't have to shoot for. Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal would die for that kind of deal.

 

We last saw James Hong here in 2013 when we did Guns and Lipstick. When you think of someone with the volume of credits he has (I'm seeing 440 and counting on IMDb), a situation like this has to be right up his alley. I mean, he probably has some of his own credits like this where he never set foot on the set and they used old footage. What he does here is gives the film a level of credibility it desperately needed, and while it may not have been enough to ultimately save it, he was still a welcomed sight, like a familiar face in a crowd of strangers, and it had that same effect of putting my mind at ease; but then we'd have another Lamas recycled scene and my brain would go fuzzy again.

We've done some Godfrey Ho flicks here on the site, so we're not any strangers to this kind of thing. Reportedly Richard Harrison was told he was doing 2 ninja movies, which turned into 20. I also don't know that he was compensated for the other 18, whereas I'm pretty sure for Lamas to be credited and his scenes used in a SAG film, he needed to be paid for this. As I mentioned above, this doesn't really have the charm that those Ho flicks have; but beyond that, I do wonder why more studios haven't employed this technique. Seriously, do we think Bruce Willis would balk at a paycheck for a film he didn't have to act in? He looks almost the same in every movie too, how hard would it be to cobble together footage from five of those DTV flicks he's done recently? Bringing the Godfrey Ho approach back to the world of modern DTV could be a great thing to see--or it could kill the industry.

 

Getting back to Lamas, this marks his 34th film on the site, which begs the question, does the 40 Club and beyond beckon for him? On the one hand, when we look at how many newer films he's been in that we haven't touched yet, we say yes, we still have a long way to go; but on the other, after this one it looks like we've exhausted his best stuff in the late 80s to late 90s window, so how much more of his stuff do we want to do? Is it worth it to just do his movies just to do them? We could ask that about a lot of Hall of Famers, and I guess what I'll have to consider is factors like, who else is in the movie, what kind of quality is it, and if no one else is in it, how much is the Hall of Famer in it? And how important is it to get Lamas more tags at this point? He's already cemented his legacy as one of the best DTV stars ever, and for anyone looking to get into his stuff, we pretty much have all the best right here--I think Killing Streets is the only one I'm missing. I guess we'll play it by ear and see what happens.

And with that, it's time to wrap this one up. You can stream this on YouTube right now, and for me that's the best way to do it. It's a fascinating entry into the Lamas catalog--not sure if I'd go as far as to call it good, but it is fascinating. James Hong also makes you feel better about yourself as your watching it, and the fact that you're streaming it for free on YouTube helps as well.

For more info: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109905

Guns and Lipstick (1995)

This has been one of those holy grail type films that I've had a fair amount of trouble tracking down, but because it has such an immense cast, I never stopped looking.  Really, it wasn't so much that I had trouble tracking it down, it was that when I did, it was often really expensive.  For instance, my local record store had a used copy for $16.  Can you believe that?  Finally, I bit the bullet and put down $5 plus $3 shipping to get it from Amazon.  Let's see if it was worth it.

Guns and Lipstick has Sally Kirkland as a PI who was wrongly removed from the LAPD.  She has a case protecting Sherrie Rose, but Rose ends up dead anyway, and Captain Robert Forster wants to pin it on Kirkland because she wouldn't date him when she was on the force.  Turns out, Rose had something a lot of people wanted, include crime boss James Hong, his fake daughter Bobbie Phillips, and albino Sonny Landham (no Predators were involved.)  She has her allies though, including Rose's brother Evan Lurie, local bar owner Paul Benedict, and crazy drunk Wings Hauser.  Oh, and Joe Estevez has a small scene too.



This was a story that was all over the place, didn't really know what it wanted to be, could've been cool old school gun shoe thriller with Kirkland great as the lead detective and a great cast of characters around her, but really was just another mystery yarn that felt like it had plot twists for the sake of plot twists, just to add to the run time.  Raymond Chandler this was not.  On the other hand, there is a fun element to fist pumping every time a familiar face popped up on screen, and the 90s elements are in full force, especially the sweet mullets.  Ultimately, I feel like this is really only for completists and people like me who have review sites that focus on movies like this.

I started with Sally Kirkland instead of the film's one DTVC Hall of Famer, because she was the star, and I liked the idea of the classic off-beat detective film led by a woman.  Really, this idea would've worked better as a 90s TV drama, and this movie probably would've worked better as a 42-minute episode, because it's not like Kirkland couldn't have carried this.  She also got to get the hunk, as her and Evan Lurie hooked up.  She was the right person for the role, unfortunately the film didn't hold up its end of the bargain.



Here's Wings playing the piano.  He's not in this much, but when he is, he's pretty great.  Near the end, he ends up in a car with Kirkland, and right away he's just staring out the window with his mouth agape in that trademark Wings style.  He flips out at her earlier in the film in a drunken rage.  One time by the fire, he gives her a massage.  He drinks Seagram's 7 straight from the bottle, then plays the piano and sings some raspy song.  I mean, it's all just Wings-y.  Is this $8 worth of Wings?  Maybe not, but if you're a Wings fan, you'll appreciate what you're seeing.

Let's try to go through everyone else.  Forster is the classic cop heel.  He's always bringing Kirkland in to arrest her, but the charges don't stick.  James Hong is pretty sweet as the crime boss.  Too many of his scenes are covered with smoke, so we can't see him.  Landham as the albino was weird.  You can try to explain to me why that made any sense.  Benedict was funny as the bar owner, I always love seeing him in anything.  Then there was Joe Estevez, who has one scene near the beginning where he sexually harasses Kirkland as he frisks her, then throws her onto her chair.  Not one of his fines moments, but it's Joe Estevez, so it's always fine for us.

This movie was exceedingly mulletous.  We're talking mullets aplenty.  We had full out business in front and party in the back 9.5 in mulletude mullets.  We had skullets.  We had the classic skullet 'stash combo.  We had twin ape drapes among extras leaving a building Kirkland was entering.  The best one was one of Hong's thugs.  It was one of those "oh man, I can't believe you did that!", the "it's awesome" and "it's ridiculous (in the true sense of the word, not the 'a lot' slang sense we often see it as)" at the same time.  If a 90s movie can give you one thing, it's sweet beaver pelts.



Oh... oh what's that?  Evan?  What's that?  Oh, oh no!... oh my God, oh no, what am I... what am I looking at?... Evan please, say it ain't so!  Oh God... Fanny Pack!

I don't think I can write anymore.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0155733/

Caged Fury (1990)

For the second of two films I'm doing for Seth at The Lost Video Archive's Week of Hong, I'm taking a look at Caged Fury, a women in prison film with James Hong, Erik Estrada, Michael Parks, and Richie Barathy, among others. It looked like it could be intriguing. Let's see how it did.

Caged Fury is about a girl named Kat who goes out to Hollywood from Utah. Along the way, she picks up a girl who was hitchhiking and didn't like her driver after he tried to get payment out of her in a carnal way. In LA, this hitchhiker hooks her up with her boyfriend, who just so happens to know a talent agent. If a thing sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and she and her hitchhiker friend end up in a faux jail, filled with white slaves. Luckily for her, she made friends with Erik Estrada the night before, and he and his buddy, Richie Barathy, are looking for her. Plus, her sister, who looks nothing like her, is also on the case. Then there's police detective James Hong. All three of these forces must be able to put something together to stop this.



But can they make this movie any good in a very limited capacity? I'm going to have to say no. It's probably one of the things that truly derails this film, the fact that Hong, Estrada, and Michael Parks aren't in this that much. I liked Barathy, and when he goes ape shit on the faux prison, taking fools out-- including Ron Jeremy-- it's pretty fun. Best part for me was when he kicks through a wall. There were some other moments that were funny in an 80s/90s B-movie kind of way, plus some familiar faces like Melissa Moore and Gregory Scott Cummins, and all of that together might-- might-- make it a fun choice on a bad movie night. On the other hand, there isn't enough T-n'-A to make it a good exploitation flick, but there's also too much of a dark aspect to make it a really fun movie too, and that makes this kind of hard to fully recommend.

We'll start with Hong again, though there isn't much to work with here. He has like two scenes. That's it. Our heroine's sister goes to the police station to find out what happened to her sister, and talks to him; then later, his dumbass partner takes the emergency call from our heroine, and it's Hong who puzzles out that she's the girl her sister was looking for, and they manage to trace where the call comes from, though not in time to save a bunch of women from being shot to death by the guards. He still has that trademark tongue-in-cheek humor that makes having him in this, if only for two scenes, a lot of fun. Still, I just wish there were more of him.



I believe this is our first women in prison film at the DTVC. I don't know, it's always been a genre that sounds like fun at the time, but, when done wrong, can be very disquieting. There isn't so much a chauvinistic quality to them, as opposed to a seeming desire to see women put through a lot of violent, sexual abuse, which doesn't work for me. Just women in jail with shower scenes and lesbian scenes and a butch guard and warden who get their comeuppance later, that sounds good, but that's not always what we get, and that's not what we got here, which was too bad.

Erik Estrada looked like he was primed to be this film's star, only to see him drop off the map like Hong and Parks. How did this happen? He and Barathy beat up a bunch of bikers early in the film to save our heroine, then he's gone, then he comes back with Barathy to investigate the girl's disappearance, is shot in the arm, and then proceeds to let Barathy save the day, while he swoops in at the very end and gets the girl. Not one of Estrada's finest moments.



Michael Parks plays our heroine's father, and he has some really good scenes, including a couple with some genuine emotion. How did Michael Parks find himself in these kinds of movies? But this was the kind of thing he did, and has done for a long time. It's been good to see him used in some more mainstream films lately. He's a guy who definitely deserves his due, and even I need to showcase him more on here.

But this week is about showcasing James Hong, and, unfortunately, this film doesn't feature him much, and suffers for that. Thought it had its moments, it needed more from its stars to carry a plot that wasn't sexy and exploitation enough, but too dark to have fun with. Ultimately, this is a pass for me, but with its availability on Watch Instantly, you may want to take your chances.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097004/

South Beach Academy (1996)

Our buddy Seth over at Lost Video Archive has organized a week dedicated to the films of James Hong, and among the many blogs he invited to join him, the DTVC was one. I jumped at the chance-- I mean, who doesn't love James Hong? And I had a few of his films already on my radar, including this one, which also starred DTVC favorite Corey Feldman.

South Beach Academy is about a (in)famous school on Miami's South Beach that teaches classes on how to enjoy oneself in the sun and surf. It's run by Grandpa Munster, uncle to Harry and Billy (Corey Feldman). Harry has been down there for a while, and is very popular with the locals; while Feldman has just shown up from North Dakota, and ready to get after it. Not so fast though, Grandpa Munster is a bit of a gambling man, and he's into local mob moss Johnny Staccato (the great James Hong) for a huge bet that, if he loses, will force him to forfeit the academy. Well, Harry and Feldman can't let this happen, so they do everything in their power to defeat Staccato. Will it be enough?



Based strictly on USA Up All Night nostalgia, this is pretty sweet. It's exactly the kind of thing you'd see on there at like 3AM, only on USA, all the boobs would've been blurred out. And there are tons of boobs in this, so it's like USA Up All Night plus. On the other hand, as far as a beach romp type film goes, this is woefully inadequate. There's really no romping going on. A movie like this should be following in the steps of Porky's, but instead, it's more like that Saved by the Bell season they spent working at that resort with Leah Remini. That's kind of too bad, because Hong was hilarious, Grandpa Munster was tons of fun, and who knows what Feldman was, but he was great too; but all of that is wasted on a bad plot about some Harry guy and the volleyball playing woman he has his heart set on.

We might as well start with Mr. Hong, since the week and this post is dedicated to him. He was easily the funniest person in the cast. In fact, had he had better material, he might have been even more funny. This film does one of those deals where it kind of starts at the end then goes back to the beginning and spends the next 70 minutes getting back to the start that's really the end. Anyway, at the beginning (that's really the end), our hero, Harry, encounters Hong in a bedroom in Hong's yacht, where he has some girl bound and gagged on his bed, and he's tickling her and whatnot. We find out later that she's our hero's girl, and it's really just a damsel in distress scenario; but it would've been so great if she was just some random girl he was doing that with while Harry stumbles onto him, which is what I thought originally. The crazier the better in a romp picture, and this movie was just too afraid to go there.



Corey Feldman was all over the place. Like the USA Up All Night nostalgia factor, we also have a high Feldman novelty factor too. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe his jokes aren't that funny-- though some of them were--, do I care? I'm just loving that we have Corey Feldman in this. The mid-90s Feldman DTV flicks were always fun, and, while this movie could've been better-- and could've had more Feldman-- it still has that mid-90s Feldman feel that I'm looking for when I see his name on a film like this.

This is our third volleyball film at the DTVC, the other two being the C. Thomas Howell classic Side Out, and the David Charvet flick Beach Kings. Side Out, obviously, is the greatest volleyball movie of all time, so this would've had trouble compared to that; and Beach Kings was pretty painful, so saying this was better isn't saying much. This should've been the ultimate beach volleyball romp, and it never got there, which was very disappointing.



Finally, how can I not mention Grandpa Munster? He was fantastic. He was like 73 at the time, hitting on all kinds of women, making tons of great Don Rickles-esque jokes. The problem is, again, he was only scratching the surface of what you'd want a dirty old man Grandpa Munster to be doing in a romp-style movie. You need to turn him loose in something like this, and they never quite did it. Also, we had some Ron Jeremy as a sleazy strip club owner. In true wasted romp style, his comeuppance is the barely-an-afterthought shove into the pool. Come on, really? No elaborate prank?

Ultimately though, for me anyway, the USA Up All Night nostalgia makes this a yes despite its shortcomings. In 1996, if I were coming home at 3AM, with blurred vision and trying to keep the room from spinning so I could sleep without getting sick, this would've been a pretty fun deal. A sober me in 1996, maybe notsomuch; but a sober me now can appreciate it, and it is a little fun blast from the past.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111248/

Tank Girl (1995)

Way back when I did my look at comic book movies for my Wild Card posts, about two years ago, late in the game a few people came to me and suggested I do Tank Girl. It seemed like a no-brainer, except my line-up was already set. So I set it aside, kind of forgot about it, and then it sprang up as a part of the Stars Play 11, and I knew I couldn't let it disappear from Watch Instantly without seeing it and putting it up for review on here.

Tank Girl stars Lori Petty as our eponymous hero, a girl living in a future where a large comet has smashed into the Earth and for whatever reason affected the climate so much that it hasn't rained in 11 years. As you can imagine, that makes water a very valuable commodity, and Malcolm McDowell's evil corporation wants a monopoly over what's left. That puts Tank Girl in his crosshairs when her commune is discovered to be siphoning water from his plant. So he sends his troops in, they destroy it, capture her, then she escapes with one of their tanks. Now she has them in her cross hairs, and is ready to exact some revenge.

I don't know how I didn't see this movie when it first came out, or how I went this long without seeing it, or that it took Netflix having to dump it for me to finally see it; but I guess it's important that I've seen it now, and it's fantastic. I feel like this is the movie that Sucker Punch was sold to me as, or it's the movie Catwoman wanted to be but wasn't. This isn't an action movie made for guys with women as eye candy in the leads; but it also doesn't lean on the novelty of being an action movie with a legitimate female protagonist. It has a lot of other elements I enjoyed, like this very authentic 90s music aesthetic, from the soundtrack, to the clothes, to the sets and cinematography. The cast was great too, with Petty as the perfect heroine and McDowell as the ultimate baddie, Naomi Watts, Ice-T, and Jeff Kober in supporting parts, and people like Iggy Pop and James Hong in cameos. This immediately jumps into my top five all-time favorite comic book/comic-strip movies.

Gotta start with Lori Petty, who I remember at the time seemed like the only person who could play this part, and as it turns out, that's pretty accurate. What I found different between her character here and the one she played in Point Break, is that in the latter, she's Kathryn Bigelow's metaphor for the woman who tries to play by the man's rules, but still ends up being relegated to damsel in distress status; while here she's not playing by the man's rules, she's tearing them down and recreating her own, and ultimately she prevails. I think both work because Petty makes them work, but here it's more on her to pull it all off, and she doesn't disappoint.

Of all the supporting people in this, I had to make a special mention of DTVC favorite Jeff Kober. I can't believe it's been almost 3 years since his last film on here. When we started the DTVC, I figured Kober would be an integral part of what we had going on. Not a Hall of Famer, but at least a semi-regular. Funny how things work out like that. And when we finally do get back to him after three years, he's covered in kangaroo make-up. Well, at least he got the girl. Here's to you Jeff Kober, you're one of the good ones, and I'm sorry we haven't gotten you on here in so long. Also of note, another DTVC favorite, James Hong, has a small cameo as McDowell's doctor.

Two interesting roles here in Malcolm McDowell as the baddie and Naomi Watts as the sidekick. McDowell was as you'd expect him to be, sufficiently bad, but really having fun with it. I imagine, if this had been bad, he still would've been solid, the way Dennis Hopper was often solid in a lot of these kinds of movies that really were bad. Watts was different, because we're used to her as a sexy leading lady, where here she's more a meek wallflower type who discovers her agency as the film goes on. If you look at her IMDb bio, she doesn't break out in Hollywood for another 6 or 7 years, when she did Mulholland Dr. and The Ring in quick succession.

In addition to having a really sweet soundtrack--including Devo doing a re-recording of their own song "Girl You Want" to make it sound like Soundgarden's cover of it--we had some musicians acting in the film as well. Ice-T had the biggest part, as one of the kangaroo people. We're used to seeing him around here, though at the time he hadn't started his major DTV run of the late 90s/early 2000s that we're more familiar with him for. Then we had two cameos that stood out. Dawn Robinson of En Vogue played the image of a woman at the brothel telling women what to wear. The other was my man Iggy Pop. This is actually the first time we've seen him at the DTVC. Best concert I've ever been to was Iggy Pop at the Avalon in Boston in 2001. It was so good, I forgot the opening act--which sucked--even played, and even though I was dead tired from traveling 5 hours to get there from Bangor that day, I couldn't stop moving, the music was that good.

But this post isn't about how amazing Iggy Pop was in concert, it's about how amazing this movie is. It might not be for everyone, but it was definitely for me. You can get it on DVD or VHS, more likely used than new, but either way it's worth it. You can also rent it off of Netflix even if you can't get it on Watch Instantly.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114614/

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Talons of the Eagle (1992)

This is one I've been looking to do for a long time, and was planning to do it before I went on hiatus, but when I came back, it was lost in the shuffle. Then in relatively quick succession, both Ty at Comeuppance Reviews and Karl at Fist of the B-List reviewed it, and reminded me that I had neglected it for too long. It was time to make it happen.

Talons of the Eagle has DTVC favorite Billy Blanks as a New York DEA Agent who is sent to Toronto to nip the drug supply chain in the bud, along with Jalal Merhi. Both guys are what we in the biz call "mavericks" or "loose cannons", so they get along great. They have to learn some Eagle Talon style Kung Fu though, before they can infiltrate the evil James Hong's gang through his tournament. After a few montages they're set to go, and they impress Hong enough that he lets them in. There are two problems though: first, Hong's righthand man, Matthias Hues is suspicious of them, and second, the chick who took over for Suzanne Somers on Three's Company is an agent that was sent in prior to our heroes, and they don't know if she's "crossed over".



This definitely cooks. Billy Blanks is the standout, but Merhi is solid, and Hues and Hong make great baddies. Plus you have some other excellent performances rounding out the cast, including Priscilla Barnes, Eric Lee, and Qingfu Pan. There were some weak points, like in the tournament, our heroes take way too many hits from their opponents to make us believe they learned anything from all those montages. I mean, Merhi had a lot of trouble with the "Pepperidge Farms Remembers" guy, and Blanks was less than convincing against an Iron Sheik wannabe. There's also as many laughs as there are great fights and action, foremost among them, Merhi in his tighty blackies, or the fact that the only thing to drink in Toronto was Canada Dry. A great combination of silly and hot makes for a winner in my book.

Billy Blanks is a star, but unlike the two he did with Roddy Piper, Tough and Deadly and Back in Action, in this he plays second fiddle to Merhi, which is a little off-putting. He does get the end fight with Hues, though, so in that sense he was used well. There's just so much electricity in his performances, it's really too bad he didn't do more work. I'm not sure if that's because the early 90s weren't ready for an African American DTV action lead, or if he didn't want as much work, or maybe a combination of both, but seeing him here just makes me want more. I should also point out that this was a rare pre-Rush Hour pairing of two heroes that weren't Caucasian. This film was very much ahead of its time.



This will be the eighth of fifteen acting credits for Jalal Merhi here at the DTVC. It feels like he had a bigger impact on the DTV industry, but when you factor in the large amount of overlap between his acting credits and his director, producer, and writer credits, 15 is about it. He's kind of in that David Bradley territory, only he does more than just act. Maybe he's a Lebanese cross between Orson Welles and David Bradley, only instead of the fanny pack, he has the tighty blackies. Don't know what he was going for there, but I spared you a pic of it on the image page. Mr. Merhi, if you ever decide to make any more movies and cast yourself in them, I'd go boxers over briefs.

Does anyone remember how the whole replacing Suzanne Somers on Three's Company went down? She had some contract dispute, and so for a season, instead of being with the rest of the cast, she would go into a box and shoot scenes to make it look like she was communicating with them over the phone from some far-off place. I was too young to remember the whole thing when it originally aired, but do remember when it was on Nick-at-Nite, and thought how odd it was. Almost as weird as when Gabe Kaplan had issues with Welcome Back Kotter, and they had his wife teach the Sweathogs. Anyway, Priscilla Barnes, Somers's eventual replacement, plays Merhi's love interest/undercover agent, so that's why I brought all that up.



Had to snag another McDonald's shot. This comes in some New York file footage at the beginning of the film. I wonder if that McDonald's is still open. I've realized that perhaps with all my McDonald's talk I'm giving the wrong impression of my eating habits. Don't get me wrong, I love McDonald's, but I also love Doritos and chocolate (not together, of course), but I don't eat them all the time. I wonder if I lived on the West Coast if that would be a different story though, with In-N-Out burger and Del Taco. Or Chic-Fil-A, which we don't have up here either, but I get when I go down south. Temperance would be much more difficult to practice then.

Talons of the Eagle is available on Netflix, making it an easy get for anyone looking to make it happen. This is a well-rounded film that offers solid fights and low-budget silliness in a great package that's hard to not like. Definitely worth it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105530/

Ninja III: Domination (1984)

I've been warned to avoid this one for some time, and I totally understand why, because it's a pretty bad deal. The thing is, though, it just doesn't feel right not having the third of the three Ninja movies up here, even if the first two had nothing to do with this one, or each other. The other thing is, we at the DTVC feel it's as important to warn people off about the bad ones as much as celebrate the great ones. So with that being said, here's Ninja III: Domination.

Ninja III is about a bad ninja almost killed by the cops after he assassinates a scientist enjoying 18 holes at his local muni. Before he goes, though, a Solid Gold dancer making extra cash as a technician for the electric company happens to see him struggle and tries to help, only to find herself bewitched by his evil spirit. We don't know which is worse, that or the stalker cop who she suddenly falls for and has lick V-8 Juice off her neck, but regardless, she's now blacking out and committing murders dressed as a ninja, and only Shô Kosugi knows what the deal is, and only he can stop her. Throw in James Hong again acting as an ethnicity not his own, and you've got Ninja III.



This starts off amazing, with the bad ninja kicking ass and taking names. Helicopters are exploding, golf balls are being crushed, and stuntmen are dying all over the local muni. I was even cool with the girl being possessed, because it was so funny. But the hairy stalker cop turned hero was just too much, and just too creepy. I also get that they were trying a Kwaidan Japanese ghost story type deal, but the execution was just ten kinds of wrong, with a lot of bad Poltergeist rip-offs and so forth, and the movie ended up being all over the place.

The stalker cop was probably the most irresponsible thing in the film, even more than James Hong as a Japanese man. To me it was actually kind of scary, our heroine meets this cop while she's telling the police about the dead ninja, and the cop hits on her, even after she tells him no multiple times. Then he calls her (how did he get her number? illegal police procedure probably), and after being rebuffed again, follows her to the aerobics class she teaches. As if that's not enough, when she's accosted by some bodybuilders in an alley outside the gym, he doesn't help, makes her fend for herself, then takes her away under the pretense that she's been arrested for assaulting them. What is that? And what recourse does she have if she doesn't fall in love with him and invite him back to her place to lick V-8 Juice off her neck? What, she reports him to the same police department he works for? Yeah, I bet that'd go over great, considering you're giving the report to the guy's friends. Now her report gets "lost", and he's suddenly "patrolling" in her neighbor hood 24-7. Police officers are entrusted with a very great responsibility, and to have a cop hero condoned and even vindicated in his stalking practices is simply appalling.



Shô Kosugi isn't in this anywhere near as much as he should be. When he's there, he's great, but what the hell does that even mean, right? He's always great when he's there, it's always just a matter of how much there there is, right? Go to Revenge of the Ninja or Pray for Death for the good Kosugi.

Is there anything hotter than a chick in a leotard playing a classic arcade game? In this case, unfortunately, the game is Bouncer, one that was still in development and didn't make it big, instead of something truly awesome, like Galaga. Women, if you've got a guy in mind you want to impress, this is the way to his heart. You don't exactly have to go the leotard route, especially since classic arcade games can be pricey, and you may have to play outside of your home, but you take a guy to the arcade and you start killing it on Pac-Man or something, he'll be yours forever.



Did I mention the cop guy was hairy? Like gross hairy, all over the back and shoulders, and in one scene he's rocking a tank top. Part of me wants to say "hey, more power to you", but no, that's just disgusting. You need to have more consideration for the people around you, and as a director, Sam Firstenbirg needed to step in and put some sleeves on him.

This isn't out on DVD, and perhaps that's a good thing. Sautéed in wrong sauce doesn't begin to describe what's going here. It's like they took all the awesomeness from Revenge of the Ninja, and decided give us ten minutes at the beginning to remind us of what they were capable of, knowing full well they were going to hit us with a hairy stalker cop and bad Poltergeist rip-off graphics.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087805/

Missing in Action (1984)

Missing in Action is, of course, not Direct to Video at all. It's very far from it, especially when you consider it made almost ten times its budget in US box office sales alone. That's why it's good to have weeks like this where I go outside the DTV box, and I'm glad my friend at Movies in the Attic selected this one for inclusion. It not only made Norris the star he is, but it proved to both Golan-Globus and Hollywood what audiences looked for in an action film, and paved the trail for the genre's renaissance in the 80s and 90s.

Missing in Action stars Norris as a Vietnam vet who escaped from a POW camp years after the war ended, and is selected to join a US diplomatic mission to mend fences with the Vietnam government. But Norris knows those Commie bastards are holding out on him, so he grills James Hong, the general in charge of Vietnam's diplomatic efforts, until he tells him the whereabouts of the other missing POWs still being held there. After, he's thrown out of the country, and has to go to Thailand where M. Emmet Walsh helps him invade Vietnam via the water so he can liberate his fellow soldiers.



If this is credited as being the film that made Norris big, it's understandable. From the beginning he's amazing, whether he's in the bush toting a machine gun, sneaking around a hotel picking guys off Apache style, or saving M. Emmett Walsh from a beating in order to drive the price down on his boat, it's all great. Again, I'm sure this more brutal and violent Norris is what made him clean up his act and become the Walker: Texas Ranger Norris, but it was sure good fun while it lasted.

I must amend my first paragraph slightly. First Blood was released in 1982, and made double what Missing in Action did, and was probably the main reason Missing in Action was made at all, making it more the film that paved the way to our 80s and 90s greats. It also had a budget $12 million higher, which is telling about the Golan-Globus success model. Why do for $14 million what we can do just as well for 2, and still make $22 million off it. Where Golan-Globus starts to fail is when they try their hands at things like Superman IV. Missing in Action was a very serviceable Rambo derivative with its own stand alone star in Norris. Had they stuck with that type of film, we might still have a Golan-Globus.



Joseph Zito directed this, along with Invasion USA, Red Scorpion, and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Of those, only the last one isn't blatantly anti-Communist. It's interesting, because I couldn't find anywhere on his bio that suggests he holds those kinds of political views. It's also interesting to note that he might be the most successful director we've ever featured on here, because three of his films, this one, Invasion USA, and Friday the 13th IV, all held the number one spot in the box office. Joey Zito is gold, baby.

If I hadn't made this clear before, James Hong is the man. The guy has almost 350 acting credits on his imdb bio, starting as far back as the Golden Age of TV. I believe this is the fifth film of his I've reviewed, which is startling considering how many DTV films he's been in, but even worse, I don't have him tagged. How did that happen? What an egregious oversight. Like Richard Lynch, I need to do more of his films, and consider him for induction into the Hall of Fame in 2010.



I'm a huge Anthony Bourdain guy, and love his show, No Reservations. He had an episode on Vietnam, and it's interesting to consider if he had had the same show in 1984, would he have gone then too? Probably not. Not only was 1984 too soon for the wounds of the Vietnam War to have healed, but we were also still engaged in the Cold War. Even in the early 90s, when I first saw this, the themes were somewhat relevant. Just the same, even if the plot is strictly a product of its time, the overall style of the film lives on in a lot of today's action films, and I imagine it still will. Vietnam becomes Columbia, the Middle East, North Korea, Myanmar, and hopefully in twenty years we'll see action films based in those locations and think how much they too are a product of their times.

This is a critical picture in the evolution of the action film, and also one of the roles that made Chuck Norris the household name he is today. I can't think of any better Thanksgiving entertainment, but if you can't watch it today, it's plenty good to watch on a non-holiday too.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087727/

Bloodsport 3 (1997)

I had seen Bloodsports 1, 2, and 4, so I guess it was inevitable that I'd get out there and see this one. I'm not sure if there's a plan to make a fifth in this series, but I hope so. I'd like to write it maybe. Here's an idea: Bernhardt has to go to Colombia, undercover, to fight in a Colombian Kumite and take down a drug lord. The catch is, he has to beat the famous Mexican wrestler King-- the one from Tekken fame. Bernhardt has to find a way around the dreaded Giant Swing.

Bloodsport 3 takes place who knows how long after part two. Evil crimelord John Rhys-Davies wants to hold his own kumite, and have Bernhardt throw the final fight so he can make some serious cash on the betting. Bernhardt refuses, so Rhys-Davies blows up James Hong's apartment with him in it. Bernie's pissed, so he asks Pat Morita for advice. Morita suggests he learn from Hong's brother, the guy who ran the last Kumite. He trains, only to find out Rhys-Davies doesn't want him in the kumite anymore, because he can't rig with Bernhardt in it. In a ruse reminiscent of Conan the Barbarian, Berndoggy dons a cloak and sneaks in. Once in, the fans would get suspicious if Rhys-Davies made him leave, so he's gotta stay. In the end he beats this big Kazakh warrior. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it's told in flashback format by Bernhardt to his son while he's teaching the kid some discipline.

I actually think this wasn't as bad as 2 or 4. Unlike the others, where Bernhardt plays an underdog, in this one he's a pissed off favorite. It's pretty cool. I just saw The Quest the other day, which is a film Van Damme did with Frank Dux that's pretty much Bloodsport set in 1925. It was boring. Bloodsport 2 was pretty much just Bloodsport one without Van Damme and Bolo Yeung. This film actually switched up the Bloodsport paradigm some, and it's a shame more films like this don't do that.

On the other hand, the requisite training scenes mired this film in every-other-movie-ness. I can't really figure out why he needed the training, if he was understood to be the best fighter in the world. It's like they did it because they felt they had to. That was one thing Bloodsport 4 did away with. I could see a few scenes of him in the gym trying to make it work, but a whole trip to the mountains to learn to fight all over again just seemed superfluous.

This may be my favorite Bernhardt role. It was just cool at the end to see him so pissed off and determined. If they carried that through to the end baddie, it would have been perfect. Sasha Mitchell did a similar thing in Kickboxer 4, and I'm a big fan of it. I like the idea of the hero being a bad ass who kicks it into gear and delivers some brutality.

This is a good bad action movie for a bad movie night rental. I've seen it listed sometimes on channels like Encore Action, and it's worth TiVoing if you catch it on one of those. It helps some to have seen 2 first, but only so much. You could buy it, but don't pay more than a few bucks.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115714/

G2 (1998)

I'd like to see Daniel Bernhardt in the DTVC Hall of Fame someday. It's hard though, when I see films of his like this. I actually bought this after Amazon.com suggested it when I picked up Future War. That's probably the best way they can unload this frightening movie.

G2 follows Daniel Bernhardt, who is either the reincarnated or actual general that protected Alexander the Great and his sword. Some Mongols, led by James Hong, fight with him. In the present day, Hong and his cronies lure Bernhardt out through underground pit fights... I think. Then a Mongol dies, and a blue bolt of lightening hits him, and he disappears... I think. In the end, Bernhardt vanquishes Hong, gets the sword back, gets the girl, and lives happily ever after... I think...

I don't know what happened here. The script was like a bad short story from an introductory creative writing class--only the professor didn't go over it with the red pen. At no point are we told: why they're immortal, if they're immortal or just reincarnated, what's up with the sword, why someone who dies is hit by lightening and disappears, and most importantly, why Bernhardt is fighting in underground pit fights. Those were things that we as the audience needed to comprehend the movie.

James Hong wasn't a bad baddie; if only we understood his motivation. Based on his acting performance, I'm not sure he understood it either. There were points where he was almost laughing at the ludicrousness of the film. I would think for a filmmaker it would be time for an agonizing reappraisal of the situation when your top baddie is laughing onscreen at the script.

For Daniel Bernhardt, this was pre-the Mortal Kombat show, so maybe we can give him the benefit of the doubt. I would, but his sword fighting in this sucked. There wasn't much of his martial arts either. As an action film with Daniel Bernhardt, I expected him to get into some good fights. I can forgive a Swiss cheese plot if the fight scenes are there. Mr. Bernhardt, your application to the DTVC Hall of Fame is still pending. Let me know if you need someone to write the script to Bloodsport 5.

I wouldn't buy this unless it was packaged with another Bernhardt movie. I mean, Future War might have been worse than this, but it has the distinction of being mocked on MST3K. Now that there is no more MST3K, there is no more saving grace for this film. I would even say that in renting it it's a waste of money, because it's so bad, mocking it doesn't help. Even though it's not a DTV film, I'd go for Highlander 2 (not the renegade version, either) if you want a silly film about immortals that has a plot that makes no sense. At least in that one, you got DTVC Hall of Famer Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, and Michael Ironside.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0176741/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite (1996)

I found out as I was doing research for this film that it is in fact not direct to video. It grossed over $600,000. I wrestled with the dilemma of reviewing it anyway for over five minutes, before I just decided, what the hell.

Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite is about Daniel Bernhardt as Alex Cardo (the same character as in Bloodsport 3, but not 4, even though all three are played by Bernhardt), a master thief sold down the river by his partner after stealing the late Pat Morita's katana. In prison, Bernhardt meets James Hong, who teaches him the Iron Hand after he sees him get his ass kicked by vicious prison guard Demon, played by Ong Soo Han. The point of Hong teaching Bernhardt is so he can fight in the kumite and win it for him. Some strings are pulled by Morita to get Bernhardt out so he can retrieve the sword: it's the grand prize in the kumite. The delightful "Tiny" Don Gibb, who got his ass kicked by Bolo Yeung in the first Bloodsport, returns to reprise the role no one really gave a shit about.

Bernhardt has to balance dealing for the sword from his old partner and winning the contest, and the whole thing almost blows up on him when he gets the sword, but is slashed in the ab by it too. Oh yeah, and his final opponent in the kumite is Demon, just 'cause.

This film is ten shades of hilarious. Dialogue is strung together in this unnatural manner that gives one the impression of 8th grade theater. There's a great scene where Bernhardt starts a conversation with some guy who's a "Street Fighter," and the useless Tiny lectures him on not talking to the fellow fighters. Why, I have no idea, because they all end up being friends two scenes later. There's also a guy who fights Bernhardt, loses to him, then helps him win by being his corner man or something. Bernhardt's getting his ass kicked, and the guy yells "Do you want to beat him? Then attack him on his left side!" and Bernhardt's response is to slam his hands on the mat like he's just been told to go clean his room, even though he gets up and wins the fight.

James Hong makes it to the final battle, and he reminds Bernhardt when fighting Demon to use the Iron Hand. Also, a shaking water pail reminds him too. I'm just not sure you could make a spoof of fight films better than Bloodsport 2. I really didn't get why Bernhardt needed to have his ab slashed for the fight. I think beating Demon would've been enough for the audience. Making him win with a deep, potentially fatal, open wound is just pushing the audiences credulity--even for bad action.

But I think all that makes this ridiculous is what makes it endearing. As a viewer, it's great to see every cliche utilized to its utmost. When playing the bad action movie drinking game, a film like this really gets everyone wasted pretty quick. It's filled with great material to mock. If I were to make an action film, I'd borrow a lot from how this was made.

If you've seen either Bloodsport or the MST3K episode of Future War, this is well worth your time. You should be able to buy it for like $5. I've seen it listed on TV too, but not recently. This is also the perfect rental for a bad movie night. You really can't go wrong with it.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112536/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/

Latin Dragon (2004)

I first saw this film late at night on Spike. If you see it at a store or your local video rental place, it'll come with the tagline: "Latin Dragon gives us our first mainstream Latino martial arts action hero!" Mainstream is a stretch here. What it should have as it's tagline is "Busey and Lamas in one movie!" That's right, we have two DTVC Hall of Famers in one picture.

The movie carries the classic storyline of the guy from a tough neighborhood who grows up, enters the service, is recruited into special forces, then comes home battle hardened. And, in all of these classic storylines, a sinister force has gripped the town, and it's up to the guy to save it.

The sinister force in this case is Gary Busey and his designs are to turn the neighborhood into some kind of rich development. Lorenzo Lamas plays his second in command/hatchet man. As you can imagine, the Latin Dragon vanquishes them, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except me. I was rooting for Busey and Lamas. Lamas is great in everything he does--he brings that Lamas-ness. To quantify Busey's contribution, we always use the Abusive Factor. This movie was pretty Abusive. Compare that to Point Break, which was extremely Abusive. If he was in it more, it could've gotten there.

One thing I did like was how they disposed of Lamas. I knew as a bad guy the Latin Dragon was going to have to kick his ass, and I was dreading it. I don't know if Lamas negotiated the beating out (probably because he could take the Latin Dragon in real life), but the director set the scene up so Lamas was killed by a stray bullet while fighting the Latin Dragon, instead of being bested in a fair fight. I was satisfied.

I was not satisfied, however, by the lack of Busey and Lamas in this film. If it were my film, and I had Busey and Lamas, I would've scrapped the whole Latin Dragon thing, and made a cross between Renegade and Point Break. The tagline would've changed to "The first mainstream cross between Renegade and Point Break!"

Like I said in the open, I saw this late at night on Spike. That's probably the best bet for this thing. Maybe rent it or buy it cheap, like on a two-for-one night, but that's a big maybe, and only because it has Busey and Lamas. Otherwise pass this up.

For more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0343962/

Looking for more action? Check out my short action novel, Bainbridge, and all my other novels, over at my author's page! Click on the image below, go to https://www.matthewpoirierauthor.com/