Hercules

 

At any other time of the year a Brett Ratner production of Hercules starring Dwayne Johnson may seem baffling but it is Summer Season.  It is perfectly acceptable.  The trailer looked decent and with a run time of 98mins surely all would be fine………

PLOT:  Hercules (Dwayne Johnson) and his band of merry men travel the length and breadth of Thrace (Older Greece) working as mercenaries.  Hercules is famous for his twelve labours and infamous for the murder of his wife and young family.  Hercules is hired by Lord Cotys (John Hurt) to defend his city and battles for money.  Hercules finds that all is not what it seems and battles for honour.  END PLOT

The film does not stick close to the traditional legend but Hercules and friends embellishing the lore to boost Hercules’s street cred had the potential to be a fun addition to the proceedings. Unfortunately the film took itself seriously and the script was far too weak to give any credence to the tone.  The annoying narration by, Ialaus, (Reece Ritchie) did not help.

Although the trailer may have indicated otherwise the labours only appear in flashbacks and have very little to do with the main events.  The trailer for Hercules is very misleading as the film is actually about Hercules training a small army then being ambushed twice whilst rambling through Thrace.

The storyline was paper thin but a walk through history was not the reason I went to see the film.  The reason was Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock.  Johnson is at his best when he pops up as a secondary character and gets to bring his beefy badass shtick but he took the role of Hercules very seriously and with that he lost his charm and sense of fun. 

John Hurt, Joseph Fiennes and Ian McShane made up the supporting cast and all were fine, if uninspiring, in their roles.  Rufus Sewell was great fun and lifted the drab proceedings when he appeared on screen.  Unfortunately for us all Hercules was masquerading as a serious biopic therefore Sewell’s screen time was limited.  This was one of many mistakes.

Admit it.  You thought about blowing the dust of A Knight's Tale didn't you.

As there was more walking in Hercules than The Lord of the Rings there were countless helicopter shots showing pretty scenery.  The sets weren’t unpleasing to look either at but there was nothing spectacular on offer.  The same can be said for the action.  It was all decently choreographed but there was no attempt at anything new.  The feeling of familiarity was rife throughout the entire film.

It is quite an achievement to have the audience looking at their watches during a film that is only 98mins long.  There were periods when absolutely nothing happened.  If the feasting and walking scenes were removed from the film it would be a 40min big budget episode of… erm…. Hercules.  It may have been better for it.

Hercules took the tried and tested and made it tired and detested*. As a fan of The Rock I will give it a very forgiving 5/10.  If others aren’t so lenient I couldn’t argue against it. 

*Yes.  I kept this in. 

Pain & Gain

The trailer for Pain & Gain looked pretty decent but let’s be honest, Pain & Gain didn’t need an advertising campaign as the pairing of Mark Wahlberg and The Rock pretty much sells itself.

PLOT:  Bodybuilder Daniel (Mark Wahlberg) gets fed up working in a dead end job and decides to steal everything from Victor (Tony Shalhoub), an obnoxious client.  Daniel recruits Paul (Dwayne Johnston) and Adrian (Anthony Mackie) and together they plot to kidnap Victor and force him to sign over all of his assets.  As the trio enjoy their stolen life of luxury Victor plots to expose them.  END PLOT

Pain & Gain opens with the disclaimer that it is based on a true story.  This little factoid is quickly forgotten about as we watch the farcical and very funny attempts of Daniel, Paul and Adrian to carry out their plan.

I had watched three idiots kidnap and torture a man for thirty days, steal his fortune and thereafter murder two people, chop up their bodies and dump the remains in a river.  This is a true story.  This was also the premise of a Michael Bay comedy.  What. The. Fuck.

Attempt to kill Victor number 4.

 

There are a good number of laughs in the film and I spent the two hours wondering how it could become any more ridiculous only to have this question answered several times.  The humour is dark and there are some brilliant flinch-and-cringe moments most of which involve a chainsaw. 

The problem is we are reminded towards the end that this is indeed a true story.  At this point the film lost me completely. 

Given that the film takes a very dark turn the last person you want directing is Michael Bay; a man who does not know the definition of subtly and is not renowned for handling comedy.  The mixture of truth and farce made for one of the most bizarre film experiences in recent memory.  I am sure the families of the murdered victims are simply ecstatic with their portrayal in the film.

Pain & Gain is saved by the cast – Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnston and Anthony Mackie are all excellent and cannot be faulted for their performances.  Rebel Wilson also pops up as Mackie’s wife and is a very welcome sight.

Bay owes these guys a beer

It was impossible to feel any kind of sympathy for Daniel, Paul and Adrian and there was absolutely no way to redeem their actions.  In fairness to Bay I don’t think he tried but overall Pain & Gain is one big ill-conceived mess. 

The end credits showed pictures of the cast alongside their real life counterparts.  It was not classy. It served as a reminder of how mishandled this film was.

There are laughs but they become more uncomfortable as the film progresses.  Pain & Gain would work as a black comedy but only in the hands of a much more capable director.  Bay’s bright colour pallet, slow motion shots and his love of helicopters and low flying aeroplanes were not right for this story. 

Pain & Gain gets 5/10 and is one of the oddest cinema experiences I have had in a long time. 

Fast and Furious 6

The Fast and the Furious franchise confuses the hell out of me purely and simply because I love it.  I probably shouldn’t, but I do.  It baffles me that we have are now on film number6.  The fact that the films genuinely get better with each instalment makes the situation all the more ridiculous.

In terms of my favourite summer blockbusters it has always been between Pacific Rim and Fast and Furious 6 (herein after referred to as Fast6) to be at the top of the list.

PLOT:  Dom (Vin Diesel), Brian (Paul Walker) and the gang are happily living in non-extradition countries following their heist in Brazil (Fast5).  Their crime free lives are interrupted when Agent Hobbs (The Rock) offers them all full pardons if they help catch Owen Shaw (Luke Evans). The team head to London but Shaw is a step ahead of them with every rev of an engine.  Things become personal between Dom and Shaw when it becomes apparent that Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) is alive and working with Shaw.  END PLOT

The Fast films are not famous for their intricate plotting.  This isn’t a criticism as they are heavy on fast cars and action which is what we all pay to see.  Unfortunately with a running length of 130mins (IMDB) Fast6 becomes a tad too long and it loses some of the fast paced mayhem that we have come to expect.

The return of Letty is the main problem as far too much time is spent on the character.  Letty wasn’t that interesting to begin with and Rodriguez’s special brand of acting, in which she always appears to be mentally computing really hard sums while smelling something bad, makes this subplot drag.  The promise of a full pardon and a return to LA was enough motivation for Dom and his crew to return.  Letty should have remained dead.

The main plot is the basic “stop the villain from stealing components to make a weapon that will destroy the world” caper.  The technology and science are thankfully kept to minimum.  It is all preamble to the car chases and rightfully so.

The action is fast, slick and totally in keeping with the Fast franchise.  There is more hand-to-hand combat this time around but the car action doesn’t take a back seat.  The car chases are standard fare and if you can look past the fact that the finale takes place on a suspiciously long runway it is very well put together set piece.

Character development isn’t something that the Fast films attempt but it doesn’t matter as we know the characters and if we are honest with ourselves; have affection for them.

Diesel, Walker and Jordana Brewster owe their careers to Fast and Furious and although they are never going to be bothering the Oscars they are as solid as ever.

The Rock is a very welcome returnee and although Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Sung Kang and Gal Gadot are also back it doesn’t feel like a case of the-gangs-all-here-itis.  There is plenty of humour from the supporting cast and the banter between Gibson, Ludacris and The Rock caused a respectable amount of giggles.  Family is a key theme in Fast6 and it pays off at the end of the film when there are a few shocking moments and, as a fan of the characters, I felt them.

Luke Evans is a decent villain but is hampered as his screen time is minimal; again, if the Letty subplot wasn’t shoehorned in I think Evans would have been given a lot more to do.

It would have taken a lot for me not to enjoy Fast and Furious 6.  This was probably one of the easiest trips to the cinema I’ve had in quite a while as I knew exactly what I was going to get and I got it.  There are arguments to be had about the top speed of a tank but this isn’t the blog that is going to make them.

Fast and Furious 6 didn’t disappoint and it will in all likelihood be viewed again in glorious 2D before it leaves the cinema.  Fast7 is coming next year and Fast6 laid the groundwork for anticipation levels to be ridiculously high before I had left the screen. 

Fast6 gets an 8.5/10 – it won’t be the best film of the year but the franchise knows its strengths and plays them well.

G.I Joe: Retaliation

If you put Channing Tatum in a film with The Rock I will automatically be on board.  There is no point in pretending otherwise.

I wasn’t expecting G.I Joe: Retaliation to be a game changer but anything less than a big noisy action film would be considered a disappointment.

PLOT:  After the Joes are branded traitors by the President of America they set out to clear their name. Storm Shadow fights with his top off and I switch allegiance. Cobra blows up London and no one cares.  The Joes save the day. END PLOT

I have kept my plot description brief as there was so much crammed into Retaliation that I had absolutely no idea what was happening.  The plot is an incomprehensible mess and in order to keep up I had to stick to the basics – Joes = good, Cobra = bad and when the Rock starts sweating profusely I knew that shit was either going down or about to get real.

Like G.I Joe: Rise of the Cobra the subplot between Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) is much more interesting that the main arc.  Storm Shadow enjoyed quite a lot of screen time which pleased me.

The action motors along at breakneck speed although it never gets a chance to flow as the camera is constantly cutting and jerking around.  The best set piece was the mountain chase which was a key feature in the trailer.  This sequence is much longer in the film and was quite spectacular.

The hand to hand combat scenes were decently choreographed and much more exciting to watch than the explosions.  A few more of these, starring Storm Shadow, would not have been unwelcome.

The 3D aspect was practically non-existent aside from the exploding fireflies.  The action was so frantic the 3D almost hindered it as it made it harder to focus on what was happening.

The Rock leads the chaos with ease and like him or not he is made for this type of role.  Channing Tatum’s sudden increase in popularity meant that last minute re-shoots were required to include some Rock/Tatum buddy scenes. 

The rest of the cast which was made up of Adrianne Palicki, Elodie Young, Ray Stevenson and D.J Controna were decent although they were not required to do much other than look gorgeously badass.  Bruce Willis phoned in his lines from a dying handset.

Jon Chu, the director of two Step Ups and a Justin Bieber documentary, may not have been the best choice to handle such a film.  If the filmmakers embraced the ridiculousness of the Joe vs Cobra battle and added some campy fun the overall tone of the film would have fared a lot better. 

G.I Joe: Retaliation gets 6/10.  If you are prepared to go with the flow and accept that for the vast majority of the 110min (IMDB) running time you will be in a constant state of confusion the film isn’t that bad. I would even go as far as to say that G.I Joe: Retaliation was good.  It has the Rock so is there really cause to complain? 

Fast Five

There are some franchises which suck you in and you could not, even if your life was dependant upon it, offer up a respectable reason as to why you are on board with this particular turbo charged bandwagon.

I blame clever release dates aka there was fuck all else out. It is the only viable explanation as to why this is the third instalment of the Fast and Furious saga that The Nerdy Trio have been to see on opening weekend.

PLOT: Fast 5 opens exactly where Fast 4 finishes. I realised this in the cinema and subsequently I died a little shortly thereafter. Dom (Vin Diesel) Brian (Paul Walker) and Mia (Jordana Brewster) are on the run in Rio where they chance upon a micro chip that leads them on an adventure whereupon they stand to steal $100,000,000.00. Agent Hobbs (Dwyane Johnson) and various local criminals are unhappy about this. There is a car chase. There is a nice little “get the gang back together montage” and before The Rock can scream “BRING IT!” the explosions start. There is a fight scene between two big bald headed lumbering juggernauts of manly testosterone. Paul Walker has very blue eyes. Diesel and The Rock stare so intently at one another I thought I saw a brief glimmer of man love. There are cool cars. They get the money. Down town Brazil is destroyed forever. END PLOT

The plot is irrelevant but allows us to have some minor car chases in order to build up to the big finale which is as ridiculous as it is awesome.

Paul Walker is a very bad actor who has struck it lucky as all these movies require him to do is to smile and look attractive until the stunt double is ready to take over.

Vin Diesel cannot be considered an actor as he always come across as some sort of doughy mechanical retard whose batteries are in dire need of changing. The Rock just plays The Rock and even then I think he is always slightly miscast. It is only a matter of time before these two play brothers in the LOUDEST (but mostly dialogue free) action film of all time.

If The Rock had taken up the offer of a hug this would have been a totally different movie

The supporting cast through are quite fun. I think that Ludicrous has this wonderfully dry delivery (either that or I am giving him way too much credit) and although saddled with some god awful lines Tyrese Gibson is charming. These two were fun together.

I am not even embarrassed to admit that there was always something cool about the character of Han. I am glad that we are forgetting that he actually died in Tokyo Drift in order to keep the character around - either that or the Fast & Furious movies are trying to mind fuck us all with a complicated time line of events.

In action franchises each instalment gets bigger and louder with each passing movie and Fast 5 is no different and to be honest I am grateful. I could sit here and type out a list of faults in the movie, the fact that it is totally unrealistic and of course the bad acting but what would be the point? If you are wanting a thought provoking critique on the modern failings of society then you have walked into the wrong screen.

Fast 5 is a classic leave you brain at the door and enjoy the noise, pretty cars and explosions kind of film. It gets an 8/10 for the cinema experience - I will never see a Fast and Furious movie outside of the cinema