Summer in Ny

finally able to paint in Dusti's home. it is so beautiful. I am so happy for her and Roger. going thru all of this with them reminds me so much of building the pine street house.... bitter sweet memories. where is one supposed to put these?  I can't stand all the comparisions and can't quit making them.... my hope is that years from now they are still in their home enjoying family and friends.... that they never experience the loss I did. fire is in ways a good cleansing, one cannot get things back after they have burned... and yet I have boxes to mail.......I remind myself of the blessings of loss.... no more dealing with someone else's messed up mind, only my own messed up mind to cope with.  making decisions about life are not easy for me, trying to do what others want me to do because it is good for me....when all I really want is to be home and in my reclusive style.  I miss my kid and my animals,  I miss these peeps when I am home.........so trying to stay happy and move forward, helps to remind myself be in the moment..... stay in the moment.  
 the pain level is up and this makes me cranky and being around kids cranky not good for the kids or me...... wish I had a lolli !
 We have shopped till I dropped repeatedly.  got really cute things for her kitchen, their bedroom, my room,.... I am loved here like no where else on the planet , why do I want to leave?  I miss my animals.  uncle brian wants me to buy his motor home. I am concidering it. not sure it is for the best reasons tho.  he owes 60,000. still and that's a lot of money.... but I would have my own space to live my cat and dog would be okay to go with me..... all of these dreams.... guess homesickness is prolly my problem and this too shall pass.

Life long Friendships

   I am blessed with many and I realize how blessed I am.
 parents and  siblings are generally our first friends.... in my case parents became friends in my 30s. siblings above me abused me and went on with life, so did I, below me moved away, and when I moved nearer him, he was grown. while we have an okay relationship, we are not close.
 but Friends.... now there I am blessed!  starting with Kindergarten and Dusti.   Thank you God for giving her to me so early in life, she is my rock.  I am here now in new york for her.  wishing I could do more.
 I am hoping to see the wedding of my 2nd oldest friend, since 7th grade, the end of summer. she is happy and that is what we want for those we love, Happiness.
 was planning on seeing some old growth forests this weekend, but the 30 year long friendship i was to travel with crashed again,  this time  however different .  this time I know the fragile state he is in,(been there) and I cannot help him, at least not as much as he wants me to, he must do this himself. Zane is right, ask again, but don't get involved.  how do I not get involved with someone I love?  hurts happen. you talk you forgive you go on. I Pray and I worry a bit but I go on!  I am learning to , think first (comes hard), speak softly and hug often.   oh yes.... loving from a distance.....  sucks when you feel like cuddling.....
 our children become a source of friendship as they mature, where would I be with out Zane? he houses me, makes sure I am fed and keeps me sane and out of jail!...
I Thank God for Carrie too. Grandchildren are such a special gift.  the hope for all our futures.
 then there's my animals, their entire life is my responsibility, and they give total unconditional love almost every minute of their lives, no matter what my pain levels are. yes God Thank You for all my blessings