This post was first published here on January 12, 2011. You know you're having a bad writing day when... •You're convinced that blanking, blinking cursor is mocking you. You can almost hear it saying "Not...writing...not...writing..." •Your pet has crawled up into your lap, looked at your work, and yawned. •You've pulled out a calculator and (for fun) figured out how many hours you've spent on this particular manuscript. WARNING: This knowledge will have you (no matter the hour) reaching for a bottle. • You decide to take a short break from writing. Days pass. • You realize your decision to write on the computer was an error as you have no physical paper to rip from the typewriter, crumble up into a ball and hurl across the room. • You have worn a pathway across the carpet with your pacing. • Cleaning the oven with a toothbrush seems like a more efficient use of your time. • You decide to close your eyes and just type - who knows something ...

EXT. A fenced meadow. Three sheep are grazing. More are in deep background. The WRITER approaches. The sheep raise their heads . SHEEP #1: Stay there. WRITER: Here? Outside the fence? SHEEP #3: Yes. WRITER: Why? SHEEP #2: Respect our boundaries. WRITER: Sure. SHEEP #1: We need to talk. SHEEP #2: To be clear, she means we need to talk to you; not that we need to talk. SHEEP #3: We can talk anytime we wish. SHEEP #1: Which we do. SHEEP #2: Often. SHEEP #3: Sometimes about you. SHEEP #1: Concerned? WRITER: Not particularly. Why do you need to talk to me? SHEEP #2: Why? SHEEP #3: Because it’s in our nature, I suppose. SHEEP #1: We are very helpful. SHEEP #2: We are, aren’t we? SHEEP #3: Very. SHEEP #1: There should be statues of us across the country. SHEEP #2: The world.  WRITER: I suppose I meant ‘what’. What do you want to talk to me about? SHEEP #3: Do we want to talk to her? SHEEP #1: Not really. It’s more an obligation than...

Since this month has been focused on humor here at The Blood-Red Pencil, I thought I would give a shout-out for humorist, Slim Randles. He has written a weekly column, Home Country , that has been syndicated in hundreds of newspapers across the country, and several years ago the best of the best of those columns were collected into a book of the same name. He has also been a frequent contributor here with stories   about his friend, Dud, the writer who struggles like the rest of us with finishing his novel. I first met Slim when he was a contributor to WinnsboroToday.com, and online magazine where I was the Managing Editor for a number of years. I've always had a special affinity for humor writing - that's where I got my start as a writer - and I believe that humor helps the days pass in a much more enjoyable way than if we never got to laugh. When the online magazine closed down, Slim was kind enough to still share his columns with me to post on my blog, It's Not...

Humor in literature depends on what people find funny. That sounds simplistic, but what tickles one person might not cause a twitch of the lip to another. Writing can feature many different forms of humor. Books can be belly-laugh funny, subtle, satirical, dry, ethnic, screwball farce, neurotic, slapstick, political, absurd, and probably a dozen more. Each style causes a different reaction to different readers. I’m going to feature a few humorists and some writers known for their wit. Writer Dorothy Parker was one of the wittiest satirists ever. Here are a few of her priceless comments I find funny: “If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.” “I hate writing, I love having written.” “There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is sim...

Do you enjoy April Fool's Day? I admit, prank humor isn't my favorite. But I do love to laugh, and I particularly enjoy reading books of any genre that, somewhere in the course of the novel, make me shed a tear and make me laugh out loud. The best story characters will do that to you. I'm currently working my way through all the J.D. Robb In Death books, and every single title has dialogue between characters that makes me chuckle. Here's an example: "I vote the classic crime of passion." Peabody, once again wrapped up like a woman facing the Ice Age, walked out of the building with Eve. "Jewelry, cash, credits, plastic, electronics, fancy sports equipment still on premises, no sign of break-in, obvious signs of hanky-panky." "How does hanky-panky translate to sex? Who comes up with words like that?"  What are some books you enjoy for their touch of humor? Name an author who excels at comedy writing. Is there a certain type of hu...

The other night, on a TV news show, Shirley MacLaine was pitching her new movie, The Last Word . Those of you familiar with cable news will recognize on which show she appeared. The premise of the story is a successful older woman hires a young journalist to write her life story, including her obituary. Coincidentally, one of the non-fiction ideas for this month’s column was obituaries. I did a little research and found some funny epitaphs I thought I’d share. For some of us, these are dark days. Humor is essential to keep from crying. So, with no further ado, here are parts of obituaries I thought chuckle-worthy. Thurman was a loving husband and father with a big heart open to everyone. He had a passion for cars, motorcycles, and entertaining family and friends, hunting, fishing, and remodeling. His motto, “Accomplish what you can today because tomorrow ain't promised.” He stayed busy. He leaves to cherish his memories, his wife, children, and grand kids, a host of back stabb...

It's been a while since Slim Randles has been here with an update on how Dud is progressing with his book. He's been writing his for more years than most of us put into a single book, and he shared some of his thoughts on the writing process in a post here on October 2013 . He still isn't finished with his book, but, then, he seems to be having trouble with his characters. This is probably a good illustration of the importance of putting believable protagonists together. (See how I slipped the June theme in here.) Dud was down at The Lunker Hole on Lewis Creek before it even turned yellow in the east. He had some thinking to do, and, as everyone knows, there’s no better way to think than fly fishing. And The Lunker (and it’s capitalized on purpose) is a good trout to think by. Why? Because everyone also knows you’re not going to catch him, so it gives you thinking time. Just about the time Dud could make out The Lunker’s rock at the head of the hole, he had gotte...

SHEEP #1: Is that you? WRITER: Are you talking to me? SHEEP #1: Yes. SHEEP #2: Where have you been? SHEEP #1: You’re rather late. WRITER: But… SHEEP #2: Time to write! WRITER: But… SHEEP #1: But what? SHEEP #2: You're not a goat. Stop butting. WRITER: Writing is hard. SHEEP#2: Are you a writer? WRITER: Yes. SHEEP #2:  Then write. WRITER: It’s not that easy.  SHEEP #3: Yes, it is. Write.  SHEEP #2: It doesn’t have to be perfect.  SHEEP #1: Let’s be honest, it won’t be perfect. It will never be perfect.  SHEEP #2: But it will be words. You can work with words.  SHEEP # 1: As a wise sheep once said, you can’t edit an empty page.  SHEEP #2: Who said that? WRITER: Wasn’t it you? SHEEP #2: It probably was. I’m very wise. SHEEP #1: And humble. SHEEP #2: Yes. Yes, this is true. WRITER: But I want it to be perfect. So I write the same paragraph over and over. I never get beyond Chapter One. SHEEP #2: ...

Amazon River image by Jon Rawlinson , via Flickr This month here at the noble Blood-Red Pencil we are writing about Amazon the giant bookstore/publisher. But of course, there’s that other Amazon - the river and surrounding rainforest - not to mention the legendary race of female warriors. More on them later. No one would launch a boat onto the Amazon without preparation - why would you treat the digital publisher with any less respect? Both arenas are home to: Anaconda - the world’s largest and heaviest snake. Can grow as long as 30 feet eating up to 30 pounds of prey a day. On Amazon, the Anaconda would be the newest release by John Grisham or Stephen King. Jaguar - a solitary killer that climbs trees as a vantage point when hunting prey prior to pouncing on their target. On Amazon, the jaguar is the person who hunts new successful authors and gives them one star reviews. Piranhas - Perhaps the most famous danger of the Amazon River, red-bellied piranhas are actually sca...

Image by 白士 李 via Flickr When a man reaches for a book, its genre is not usually romance. This is a fact. However, some men do. Brave men. Confident men. Men who have moved beyond being a MR to being a MRR: a Man Reading Romance. (Tweet) An MRR is difficult to spot in the wild as they have developed excellent camouflage skills. Further study is needed. Some might say (correctly) that the following are yoga positions. But I suggest they are also positions formed by the illusive MRR.  Downward Facing Dog - While walking the dog, the man has his head down reading a romance on a mobile device.  Warrior Pose - The most confident MRR pose. He will fight for his right to read his romance.  Boat Pose - A pose often adopted by a new MRR. He will be found alone on a boat in the middle of a lake. There may be fishing gear for further camouflage.   Half Lord of the Fishes Pose - A pose for the bolder MRR. He has now progressed to reading the romance on a river...

There could be two interpretations for this title; how to write a resolution, or resolutions about writing. In honour of this new shiny year, I’ve tried to embrace both. 10. Phrase your intention in a positive way. Don’t say ‘I will lose weight’; say ‘I will have a 30 inch waist’. 9. Make it Achievable. To reach the top of the mountain you have to climb for days. It’s not a journey completed in one step. Neither is writing a book or a play or whatever your project may be.  8. Resolve to do something that makes you smile. If thinking about it makes you happy, you’ve got a better chance of following through. If your first thought is “Oh crap” (or something less G-rated), I’d wager you have a smaller chance of success. 7. Keep it Simple. 6. Privacy is Good. No one needs to know your resolutions…unless you need peer pressure to keep them. On the one hand, I understand this. On the other hand, it mades me nervous for your success. 5. Just Do It. Nike is right. 4. Don’t m...

Take your fingers off the keyboard and put down your pens. Let’s have a moment of silence for these 10 brave writers...lost, but never forgotten. Aldo Itmaselph - the writer who insisted on working alone. No editor. No beta-readers. Just him. Althea Thoone - the writer who spent more time having coffee with writers’ groups than actually writing. Candice P. Love - the writer so in love with her own work that she found it impossible to part with it. Collette A Day - the writer who gave up. Haile Improbable - the writer whose plots overflowed with timely coincidences. Horace Cope - the writer who would only write if the ‘signs were right’. Maura Applause - the writer who wrote only to get praise. Barry D’Alive - a writer who took personal research that one step too far… Bess Sellars - the writer crippled by the fear of Book Number Two. Myra Gret - a writer who wanted to write, but never found the time. Elspeth Futcher is an author and playwright. T hi...

Writers! Did you know that each of your beloved manuscripts has the capability of evolving into monsters? It’s true. Here’s a list to help you identify which monster(s) are lurking near you right now. Be still. Can you hear their breathing? 10. The Vampire . This is the manuscript which refuses to die. It has merit - one might even say it has teeth. It prefers to be written at night. Don’t eat steak while you’re working on this manuscript.  9. The Good Witch . This manuscript allows you to ‘go home’. It deals with familiar subject matter and may contain recipes for cookies. However, it does tend to talk in riddles and can send you down roads leading to lions, tigers, and bears.  8. The Bad Witch . This manuscript is often tied with the Good Witch manuscript. It could be the sequel or the same plot, but told from the POV of a different character. This manuscript can fly (which is good) but it also likes to be in control. Don’t drink water while you’re working on this ...

I love it when other people are funnier than I am, and I can share their humor. The following one-liners are borrowed - with permission - from Kristen Lamb's blog .   Kristen posts regularly with writing and marketing advice, and her sharp sense of humor makes her blog so much fun to read. Do check it out after you've read all the posts here and commented on every one. Okay, maybe just read mine.   You Might Be a Writer If… You’ve learned that regular people are cute, and no longer get offended with this conversation. Regular Person: What do you do? Writer: I’m a writer. Regular Person: No, I mean, what’s your real job? You’ve come to understand that writers are a lot like unicorns. Everyone knows about them, they’ve simply never seen a REAL ONE. You Might Be a Writer If… The NSA, CIA and FBI no longer bother with you. Likely, they know you by name and now outsource to the creepy ice cream truck to just make a few passes and check to make sure you’re stil...

This month we are exploring unusual marketing venues and strategies. With the Internet and social media, the opportunities for promoting are increasing, and it is possible to do a lot of that side of the business without leaving the comfort of your home office and your PJs. But if you do venture out, please change your clothes, unless you look as good as this lady when you drag out of bed to your computer. Whether you are going to do your marketing strictly online, or go out to real places where you will see real people, you might want to consider this list of things in the DO NOT TRY THESES category. As you read, keep in mind that it is my job here at The Blood-Red Pencil to keep us amused, which I try valiantly to do. Do not put a banner about your book on the side of the garbage truck. Moving advertisements can be effective, but... Do not schedule a book signing at a nursing home. I did this once and the results were less than successful. Unless you count a sing-along. Detai...

Many writers refer to their books as their children, so why not treat your manuscript like a child? 1. FOOD. A child must be fed and so must a manuscript. Food = words written. 2. PLAY. A child needs to play and so does a manuscript - or more precisely, its writer. Anyone who has read some of my posts about writing, knows I’m a planner, but I also advocate giving yourself the freedom to wander off that carefully-laid path occasionally. Remember, without that crucial question of ‘What if…’ nothing happens. 3. SLEEP. A child needs to sleep. So does your manuscript. Once you finish that first draft, let it sleep in a drawer. Time away is good. Think of it as recharging your batteries before the next round - just like those naps your toddler takes give you precious time to find your sanity. 4. FRIENDS. A child needs friends. So does your manuscript - but we call them beta/first readers and editors. 5. RULES. A child needs to know who’s boss - and it’s not them. Yes, it’s tr...