It was
pointed out to me recently that I have slipped back into an old pattern of
co-dependency. Oh dear… What a realization that was! As much as I
don’t like psychological labels and identities, it was still worth looking at.
Many of you are old enough to remember that word from the 80’s when the “in”
word was “co-dependent.” :) Some of you may have been in elementary
school :) and may be asking – what is
“co-dependency”? There’s a helpful book
by Melody Beattie called Co-Dependent No More, written 26 years ago. I dug my well-worn, highlighted and
underlined copy out of the basement archives.
The
realization came that it has been an insidious process of falling back into the
realm of unconscious behavior in the family dynamic, being drawn into the Family Shadow. It has been
a gradual slide into unawareness, and unconscious patterns and roles again -
trying to affect change in a family system that is unwilling and seemingly
unable to change – at least unwilling to be aware that change is needed. I had a strong sense of responsibility that
*I* needed to *do something* about this dysfunctional person, this
dysfunctional family system, to once and for all get “us” to “work,” to “heal”,
to at least “communicate honestly.” I
had forgotten that it is not about trying to control or change the “other”
person, or their behavior, but it is always about taking responsibility for
oneself… It didn’t occurr to me that I
could just let go and let it be what it is – and be okay with that.
In this
insidious slide I became emotionally entangled – trying to “help”, to “rescue”
– code words for control. The more “helpless”
I felt the more reactive I became, trying to control that which was totally out
of my control – my family, and our dysfunctional behavior. In the process I became chronically reactive,
frustrated and angry because I couldn’t rescue or fix “them.” I felt more entangled in the drama of their
emotional needs – with phone calls that became one-sided venting sessions. I
became resentful of the emotional enmeshment, of accommodating, of feeling
helpless and controlled by the dysfunctional system. It was a feeling of being at the end of
someone else’s emotional leash all the time - a big warning sign that something
was amiss. In all of this I had clearly
lost a sense of awareness of the Infinite Being within, and became even more
identified as the little “me” person – struggling to find resolution, grasping
at straws to see which one might work.
I ask
myself, how could I have become so unconscious, so lost in all of it! Why could I not just have opened my heart and
be a presence of Love? Wouldn’t that solve
everything? I had confused “love” and “spirituality” with
always being available, accommodating and “helpful” – also called enabling :) - trying to control the situation
by offering unwanted advice and suggestions in my attempt to be “responsible” –
ultimately to soothe my own sense of helplessness. I allowed myself to be put in the middle,
creating a triangle - feeling like a ping pong ball emotionally, not wanting to
take anybody’s side, but wanting to be “supportive.” Or so I told myself, unaware of my own
dysfunction! As Byron Katie has said in
Loving What Is, I was getting into their business, focused on how they *should*
be. Her book really addresses this issue
although she doesn’t call it “co-dependencey.”
I have
known, conceptually, for a long time that you cannot save someone from their
life experience; you cannot change someone else’s behavior, minbd-set, or view
of reality. And you can’t ever make the
dysfunctional person/s happy. But neither
should you have to walk on egg shells around that person, in fear of making
them mad. Now I have to put this renewed
awareness into practice and learn all over again to step back, to detach, to
take myself out of the middle and let each one take responsibility for
themselves and let them experience the impact of their own consequences; setting
internal boundaries again, not allowing myself to get entangled in the family
drama. I think this is why it bothered
me when The Fence came down between our neighbor, as it symbolized that I was
still attached to a sense of self that felt vulnerable, needing
protection. It reflected an internal process
that was being played out in my daily life. “The Universe” was giving me signals that it
was time to awaken, to see what was happening…
So I’ve been listening - trying to stay grounded in the Inner Being
through meditation, continually coming back to what is truly Awake and Aware
within me that could see beyond all this dysfunction, that was totally
unaffected by all this, even as my ego-self suffered on the surface.
As has
been said many times by many a “spiritual person/teacher” – there are no
“spiritual by-passes.” One must look at
themselves honestly, and do the emotional work they need to do to be free. The “spiritual path” seems to be a catalyst
for raising these issues that need to be addressed so that we may be free from
our psychological and emotional entanglements; free from our identification
with the ego-self – the root issue. Actually
I think that is ultimately what “enlightenment” is: Being free from the entanglements and
identifications that keep us from being awake and seeing the Truth of who we
really are underneath all the patterns and roles that keep us from living
freely, from realizing our True Nature.
Stay
tuned. I will be writing more on this
journey of awakening and unfolding - the journey of opening the True Heart… It is time…
Photo: Reflected light on the TV
screen