Sail Away - Fred LaMotte

No writing on your sail.
No affirmations, not even "I."
Just let it ripple
in the cool steady breeze,
this breath.

The sail itself is the name of the Goddess.
You can stop rowing now.
Let the current carry you.
Throw the map away, the chart
of nadis and chi lines,
chakras and postures.
Who knows where you're going?
Destinations don't matter anymore.
Just sailing is grace.
Merely breathing in this body
is adventure.
And the sparkling sun on living water?
The beauty that shines
from your heart.

Fred LaMotte
Uradiance
and photo of art too...

Art: Leonid Afremov

 

Reorientation - May Sarton

I am not ready to die.

But I am learning to trust death
As I have trusted life.
I am moving
Toward a new freedom
Born of detachment,
And a sweeter grace -
Learning to let go.

I am not ready to die.

But as I approach sixty (73 😊)
I turn my face toward the sea.
I shall go where tides replace time,
Where my world will open to a far horizon.

Over the floating, never-still flux and change.
I shall go with the changes,
I shall look far out over golden grasses
And blue waters...

There are no farewells.

[.....]

May Sarton

With thanks to Death Deconstructed

Photo from the Internet

 

Surrender - Frank Ostaseski

Surrender is not the same as letting go.
Surrender is more about expansion - we expand into a
spaciousness, a boundless quality of being that can include
but not be contained by the previously limiting beliefs that
once defined us...  In surrender we are no longer enslaved by
our pasts.  No longer imprisoned by our former identities...

Surrender happens when we stop fighting.  We stop fighting
against ourselves.  We stop fighting against life.  We stop
fighting against death.  Resistance ceases to occur.  We no
longer put up any defense.

Surrender is deeper than letting go.  Letting go is still a
strategy of the mind occupied with the past.  It is an
activity of the personality, and the personality is primarily
concerned with perpetuating itself.  Letting go is still me

making a choice.  Ego cannot surrender.

Surrender is effortless, easeful non-doing of our essential
nature without interference. We are simply aware - and
often happens when we are exhausted...
[from all the distractions and fighting and resistance.]

Frank Ostaseski
From - The Five Invitations

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

A Winter Morning - Joan Tollifson

 The pond is frozen over
the world is upside down.
In my old age,
I discover the magic
of childhood.

Without my glasses,
a softer world
blurs together.
Houses hide in the fog,
mountains drop out of the sky.

On naked branches
the last dry leaves
twirl in the cold wind,
leaves and sky indistinguishable.

It is the winter of my life
the great stripping away
the last leaves letting go,
falling into
the dazzling darkness

Joan Tollifson

with thanks to No Mind's Land

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

Experience is a River - Mark Nepo

 Experience is a river that never stops coming.
Often we need to empty ourselves of conclusions, judgments
and preconceptions in order to meet whatever comes our way...

[We] must carry less - must put down the wounds that clog
and weigh the heart.  We must risk being touched [by life].

...letting go is not just about putting things down.
On a deeper plane, letting go is about letting your heart crumble,
about letting yourself be rearranged by the journey of being alive.

 It simply allows us to change.
It is a call to enter the unknown.

When we can admit who we are, and give voice to what lives
inside of us, [all that we feel and experience], that very act
opens us like an inlet and lets the depths of being rush in.
For in admitting who we are lets the mysteries of life enter us.
We are talking about the authenticity of being...

Mark Nepo
excerpts from - The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live
an Authentic Life

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

Goddess of the Dark - Ameeta

Who are you?
why do you speak to me so?
Stinging my eyes with unbidden tears
Filling my heart with unnamed sensation
Calling my whole being to pause

I don't know you
You are not a destination I aspired to
nor do you fit any image I've ever known
Yet when you appeared on my horizon
I recognized you instantly
in the soundless depths of me

You give no direction yet
But I can feel you anchoring me within
Preparing void as womb
Even as you lead me to lie there and die
in your embrace

Goddess of the Dark
I feel your presence in me now
And your strength and power
Perhaps now I will have the wherewithal
to let everything go
every last bit of it, good and bad

My highest ideal and my biggest fear
They are but two ends of one chain
that binds me to this world, this existence

I have to let them both go
I have to be prepared to die fully

Ameeta

May 2019

~

Photo - Someone's "selfie by mistake" that they sent me...
The Mystery of the Dark Goddess :)

Loss - Richard Wehrman

More and more he felt
that those things he thought
he controlled, those powers
he believed he once had, were
slipping away; his capacities
to do diminished, his thoughts
multiplied and went in their
own directions, his ability to
remain one-pointed, to
meditate, ended in sleep.  He
judged himself harshly, but
letting that go, he found he
ended up with less and less,
whereas when he was younger
his imagination told him, by
this time, he would be stronger,
more focused, accomplished
in wisdom and knowledge.
Yet here he was, a snowman
melting away.....
This black mood matched
the time of year, and that was
reassuring: to understand
that everything is stripped
away before anything new
can be born.

Richard Wehrman
from: Being Here

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
Snow Bunny - eventually
took shelter in the brush
near the tree. 

Breathe in Life - Jeff Foster & Mark Nepo

from tinybuddha.com

...in truth, nothing is lacking where you are,
nothing is missing from the present scene
of the movie of your life,
and you are forever full, and complete...

The day is just waiting to be lived.
So breathe in life, friend,
breathe in life...

Jeff Foster

~

We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are
when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved,
and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed
and beneath every sadness is the fear that there
will not be enough time...

When we hesitate in being direct (authentic), we unknowingly
slip something on, some added layer of protection
that keeps us from feeling the world/life...

Our challenge every day is not to get dressed to
face the world, but to unglove ourselves so that
the doorknob feels cold, and the car handle
feels wet, and the kiss goodbye feels
the lips of another being...

Mark Nepo

From: The Book of Awakening

Lay It Down - Richard Wehrman

Could he really lay
it down, he wondered,
all the accumulated
projected desires, partly
his own, but most of it laid
out by others, in books,
in talks, in teachings
that said, this is your goal:
the unattainable, the
spiritually pure - you, the
ignorant, the unwashed and
uneducated - this is your
way to become better
than you inherently are.
No sense that you were [already]
what you were meant to be,
only what you might 

be molded to, chiseled into,
added onto your skeletal
frame of lack and loss.
For laid down, what would
he have but himself,
the very thing they convinced
him was worthless the
way it was.
What if this was all
he had, all he was... ?

Richard Wehrman
From: Being Here

Original title: "All He Had"

Simply Living...

I've been basking in a "new", and not so new, "revelation" that
life is a story being lived by Life ItSelf'; that *I* am being lived:
that we *are* the living story of Life.

Life lives the story of "me" that I've identified with all these years,
and believed, for a while at least, that "I" needed to be
"enlightened" - and have once again returned to the sense that
"I" am "simply living."

In this "revelation" there is an internal "letting go" - or
"giving up" - or some would say "surrender"...
And as a wise friend recently explained:
"In that, an ancient tension and stress is released.  And in the
deepest instance of 'giving up', even the somatic aspect of
our being feels a tremendous relief, and a Serene Emptiness
where that contraction had formerly been felt; as much in
our physical body as in our subtle energetic nature.
Struggle ceases, no longer driven by the engine of
dissatisfaction with 'what is', with 'how we are.'  No longer
driven by the engine of self-judgment and self-qualification,
by the desire to be better or worthy, or finally 'understanding'
or 'apperceiving' by the desire for 'enlightenment.'"

This articulates my current experience perfectly...

~

And I wrote this back in 2011

There is only the immediacy of the current moment -
just living that experience, whatever that experience is,
however it unfolds, without the sense of a separate "self"
striving for something "better", or to *do* anything to
improve it, or become "enlightened."

"We", the "Beingness" that we are, just experiences
whatever is occurring without a framework or reference
point, or concept...
It's just Life being life!

It is Existence experiencing ItSelf as "me", or "you" -
as an occurrence within ItSelf...
Simply Living...

We, as waves on the Ocean of Existence, are continually
occurring - unfolding fluidly, seamlessly,  Yet, a
"construct" of "self" can emerge *if/when* there is a belief
in a "self" that can hold onto the present moment - trying
to grasp what cannot be grasped.  But the current experience
cannot be grasped, for as soon as we try to capture it we
re-enter the struggle of "self"...

The present moment is unending, constantly reverberating
through the *concept* of time, and is what the wrinkle of
time happens *in* -
the Timeless Ocean of Existence.

And so the realization seems to be that we simply recognize
Life living ItSelf  as us - seeing the Luminous in everything -
recognizing that we ARE that
Luminosity of Life...

...simply living.

Namaste

_/\_

photo - from a greeting card

Let it go - Danna Faulds

Let go of the ways you thought life
would unfold; the holding of plans
or dreams or expectations - Let it
all go.  Save your strength to swim
with the tide.  The choice to fight
what is here before you now will
only result in struggle, fear, and
desperate attempts to flee from the
very energy you long for.  Let go.
Let it all go and flow with the grace
that washes through your day whether
you receive it gently or with all your
quills raised to defend against invaders.
Take this on faith: the mind may never
find the explanations that it seeks, but
you will move forward nonetheless.
Let go, and the wave's crest will carry
you to unknown shores, beyond your
wildest dreams or destinations.  Let it
all go and find the place of rest and
peace, and certain transformation.

Danna Faulds
From: Go In and In
2002

Ending Suffering - Joan Tollifson

If we truly want to end suffering, we must move from our self-centered drama and story line, to the open surrender of "Thy will be done."  It involves a shift in attention - a shift out of the entanglement in and identification with the thought-stream - and open into awareness of Presence - a shift from thinking to sensing and awaring.  It involves a surrender, or opening, into the whole body-mind, a dissolving of the felt sense of separation, and duality, a melting into the spacious undivided, luminous and inseparable; noticing what is ever-present regardless of the experience that is arising.  

Surrendering is an opening of the whole body-mind, a dissolving of the solidity of the body-mind, a letting go into boundlessness, [realizing] that it is all appearing in a larger context - the open space of awareness.  The true "I" to which we all refer is ultimately this unbound awareness that is being and beholding everything.  We are not limited to the body-mind, and the body-mind is not really a separate, solid, autonomous "thing."  In fact there is no real boundary between "awareness" and "the body."  The words seem to divide what is actually seamless and whole.  So we don't need to deny the body or the person or relative reality, because all of that is appearing in a much larger context, and all of that is really very ephemeral and fluid and ungraspable...

There are many words for surrender: dissolving, opening, relaxing, softening, melting, letting go, resting, allowing, welcoming.  What matters is not the word or some idea of this, but discovering this for oneself experientially.  Surrender is a discovery that we each have to make for ourself.

In surrendering there is a letting go, an opening - allowing everything to be as it is, not resisting anything, and not trying to get anything.  Simply stay with the living reality itself, just as it is.  Awareness always allows everything to be as it is.  It never rejects or hates anything.  It is never really harmed or destroyed by anything that appears to happen in waking life.  All the apparent darkness and getting lost is always happening in this bigger, vaster context.  To realize this is to be free from suffering...

Joan Tollifson

An Unfinished Song - Mark Nepo

The more we surrender the more we are touched by
the life around us...

In our journey, when.....driven by experience
we spiral through a stripping of our will,
reduced to an unfinished song.....into
a place of increasing surrender
that always brings us closer
to the essence of
life.

It is often when in need -
when too sad to keep the mask in place,
too tired to keep the wall propped up,
too wounded to lift the sword -
often it is then that we glimpse
each other as we really are,
stripped of all things we think
we need to protect ourselves.

When we are humbled to surrender
our claims of control and mastery,
we are invited into a space where
we are both completely ourselves
and completely beyond ourselves.

In moments of total surrender
we become the song
that brings us and others alive.

Surrendering control, letting go
and accepting,
opens a small
doorway
back
to life;
to being present
and staying open...
to the mystery of Being,
living in Wholeness...


Mark Nepo
From: The Exquisite Risk:
Daring To Live An Authentic Life

(Mark's words, my compilation)

Photo - Mandala Art digitally altered

Authentic Being - Clare Blanchflower

Make no mistake
There is no goal
There is no path
Your quest ends
Here
In the
absolute
authentic
allowing of
this moment's
raw expression

In the deepest surrender
to what is
the lens of
limited focus
softens into
unbounded emptiness
Revealing
the infinity of you

If you truly desire

to know
your Self
Awaken to
Honesty
Let go of everything
that keeps you from
authentic
Being

Allow the awakeness
of the moment
to meet your
wholehearted
openness

Give up all roles
Surrender all masks
Melt
Into the radiant gaze
of wholeness

Clare Blanchflower

Emptying - Mark Nepo

Experience is a river that never stops coming.
Often we need to empty ourselves of conclusions, judgments and
preconceptions in order to meet whatever comes our way...
The early monastic vow of poverty was based on the need to empty,
as a way to involve a deeper form of listening.
In its original intent we find that poverty of mind reflects a quietude
that can restore an inner emptiness.  Poverty in an inner sense means
a divestment of all the distractions that occupy the mind.  It means an
emptying of the interior belongings that keep us from the essential
experience of being that waits beneath all our human noise.

[We] must carry less - must put down the wounds that clog
 and weigh the heart.  We must risk being touched [by life].

[But] letting go is not just about putting things down.
On a deeper plane, letting go is about letting your heart crumble,
 about letting yourself be rearranged by the journey of being alive.
  To soften and crumble is not to die.  It simply allows us to change.
  It is a call to enter the unknown.

When we can admit who we are, and give voice to what lives inside us,
[all that we feel and experience], that very act opens us like an inlet
and lets the depths of being rush in.  For in admitting who we are lets
the mysteries of life enter us.
We are talking about the authenticity of being.

Mark Nepo

From - The Exquisite Risk: Daring To Live An Authentic Life

~

Photo - the bottom of a glass bowl...

Stepping Into The Stream...

About a month or so ago the phrase “stepping into the stream” came to me, and the question – what if I just stepped into the middle of the stream and let go – figuratively speaking.  The insight that came with this was that it meant letting go of the shore of course, not just the one side, but *both* sides.  And that it was not about going from one shore to the other, not about crossing the river/stream, but about letting go of both sides and just being *in* the stream – the Cosmic Stream of Pure Consciousness, the stream of Eternal Beingness – allowing the internal flow of that to take me. I began to understand that what was required was a total immersion in “Divine Consciousness” – a total surrender; a total bowing – not my will but thine kind of bowing.

The letting go was about loosening my grip on *my* hold on life, my take on life, if you will - letting go of holding on to the physical world, the mental constructs of what *seems* to be true that keeps me holding on to the edges.  Buddhists would call it letting go of the attachments we hold onto, the identities, the roles, the beliefs that we have taken on and are attached to – that we *think* gives us a sense of security, stability, permanence, even “spirituality” – but that really keeps us holding on to the edges of the true Living Stream of Divine Consciousness.

In metaphorically “stepping” into this Stream, which is another way of saying becoming more deeply *aware* of what is really Aware within us, becoming conscious of the vast Consciousness that we are, we have to let go of our *identification* with our small self dramas - allowing the Cosmic Stream of Consciousness to take us, absorb us into ItSelf.  By consciously “stepping” into this Stream, turning my awareness towards the Infinite, I am saying that I am willing to let go of my attachments.  I am willing to surrender who I *think* I am to the seamless Divine Flow, trusting that as I step more deeply into the River/Stream, it will dissolve all my ideas and illusions about being a separate self from the Ocean of Consciousness that I/we actually am/are.  This will continue to be the step for me, to knowingly step into this Current and *trust* the River – the Divine Stream of Life – The Mystery of Divine Consciousness, and move in ITs Way more fully.

It’s a lot easier writing *about* this than actually stepping into the Stream and letting go – letting myself just rest in the silent awareness of the vast field of Consciousness that we truly are, which is not affected by our thoughts, feelings, emotions, ambitions, or life circumstances that are happening to us personally – or in the world for that matter.  Ultimately, everything is allowed and everything collapses back into the silent stillpoint of vast Consciousness – while IT remains undisturbed.  But we need to experience this for ourselves, to consciously *feel* what it’s like to step into the Stream of this vastness of awake, knowing Awareness within – the living Consciousness – and see where it goes.  It’s a continuous, ongoing step taken moment to moment…

Photo: Sunrise on Merrymeeting Lake, NH

Taken by my brother 2009

The Way of Rest - Jeff Foster

"Oh, sweet little boy, beloved little girl,
 you are so overwhelmed by life,
 I know,
 by the enormity of it all,
 by the vastness of possibilities,
 by the myriad perspectives available to you.

 You feel so pressed down sometimes,
 by all the unresolved questions,
 by all the information
 you are supposed to process and hold,
 by the urgency of things.

 You are overcome by powerful emotions,
 trying to control,
 or at least influence,
 everything and everyone around you,
 trying to hold yourself together,
 trying to make it all ‘work out’ somehow,
 trying to get everything done ‘on time’,
 trying to resolve things so fast,
 even trying not to try at all.

You are exhausted, sweet one,
 exhausted from all the trying
 and the not trying,
 and you are struggling to trust life again.
 It’s all too much for the poor organism, isn’t it.
 You are exhausted, you long to rest.
 And that is not a failing of yours,
 nor a horrible mistake,
 but something wonderful to embrace!

 For the exhaustion is pure intelligence,
 and it says, let go, let go! Stop trying so hard!

Stop pushing for answers right now.
 Allow everything to rest right now.
 Take a sacred pause.

 Allow questions to remain unanswered, for now.
 Allow space for yourself to breathe today.
 Allow everything to fall out of control today.
 Allow yourself to not be able to hold it all up today.
 Allow yourself to not know how, to not know at all.
 Allow the heart to break, if it needs to,
 and the body to ache, and the soul to wake.

 Everything is so okay, when you get down to it.

And know you are loved, little one.
 Know you have always been loved,
 long before you were named,
 long before you were even born,
long before overwhelm came to show you the way."

Jeff Foster

~ ~ ~

Photo: Dry leaves on paper and table
color inverted…

"Canyon Spirits" - The Evolution of a Painting...

I started this painting nearly a year ago in a moment of frustration, thus the red color and hash marks all over the place, painting in circles.  I am an intuitive painter, so I do not have an “intention” for the painting when I start.  I like to just see what evolves and what emerges out of it… Painting this way is a “practice” in letting go, of not having expectations – hopefully J - in not being “in control” of where it goes; like life actually – not being “in control” of life, but allowing oneself to be open and vulnerable to how it unfolds.  It’s very challenging actually to live that way – as well as to paint that way…  There can be lots of frustration…  It originaly looked like this (below) and sat like this on the easel for 7-8 months.

Every time I looked at it I kept seeing the face of a Tiger, and wondered how I could make it *look* like a Tiger, not having the trained artistic experience or skill to do that.  (The Tiger is no longer apparent, as other things emerged.)  When I started painting again in May/June I was still trying to figure out how to make it look like the Tiger that I saw, thus the single painted in eye, as that is what my mind saw. 

And then a “voice” said: keep looking, look deeper.  I wasn’t hearing things, it was the voice of my husband actually, as I discussed my frustration with not being able to create what I saw in my head.  He said – don’t stay fixated on your idea of what it is supposed to look like, but keep looking and see what else is there.  Something we need to do in life as well – look deeper, beyond the surface, and see what is really there.  So I kept looking.  And suddenly *many* different faces started emerging!  (see close-up below). Initially I saw what looked like the outline of a man’s face in a window with closed eyes, and nose, (near the middle), blended into another partial face slightly under the first one.  A woman’s silhouette in a window appeared on the right, up against what appeared to be two back to back “caricature” profiles, with a flat hat.  And then an owl appeared on the far left, and blended into what looked like a coyote face with mouth open, which blended in with the man’s face, and so on…  There’s even a little fox face tucked in there somewhere… And some teepees too :)

 The whole painting took on a different look, a different feel.  It had transformed itself.  It became a terracotta desert canyon against a night sky – and another realm beyond.  Totally unintentional…  Amazing. 

In the lower right hand corner there appeared to be a grouping of hash marks standing around what appeared to be the glow of a hidden fire…  To me they were Native peoples standing around a fire as smoke rose into the canyon and beyond, where a Raven glides through firey skies…

In the lower left hand corner there was the clear outline of yet another fire, with two “figures” nearby.

And so goes the story and evolution of a painting that took on a life of its own, inviting me to look more deeply… Like life…

"Co-Dependency" Revisited...

It was pointed out to me recently that I have slipped back into an old pattern of co-dependency.  Oh dear…  What a realization that was! As much as I don’t like psychological labels and identities, it was still worth looking at. Many of you are old enough to remember that word from the 80’s when the “in” word was “co-dependent.” :)  Some of you may have been in elementary school :) and may be asking – what is “co-dependency”?  There’s a helpful book by Melody Beattie called Co-Dependent No More, written 26 years ago.  I dug my well-worn, highlighted and underlined copy out of the basement archives.

The realization came that it has been an insidious process of falling back into the realm of unconscious behavior in the family dynamic, being drawn into the Family Shadow.  It has been a gradual slide into unawareness, and unconscious patterns and roles again - trying to affect change in a family system that is unwilling and seemingly unable to change – at least unwilling to be aware that change is needed.  I had a strong sense of responsibility that *I* needed to *do something* about this dysfunctional person, this dysfunctional family system, to once and for all get “us” to “work,” to “heal”, to at least “communicate honestly.”  I had forgotten that it is not about trying to control or change the “other” person, or their behavior, but it is always about taking responsibility for oneself…  It didn’t occurr to me that I could just let go and let it be what it is – and be okay with that.

In this insidious slide I became emotionally entangled – trying to “help”, to “rescue” – code words for control.  The more “helpless” I felt the more reactive I became, trying to control that which was totally out of my control – my family, and our dysfunctional behavior.  In the process I became chronically reactive, frustrated and angry because I couldn’t rescue or fix “them.”  I felt more entangled in the drama of their emotional needs – with phone calls that became one-sided venting sessions.   I became resentful of the emotional enmeshment, of accommodating, of feeling helpless and controlled by the dysfunctional system.  It was a feeling of being at the end of someone else’s emotional leash all the time - a big warning sign that something was amiss.  In all of this I had clearly lost a sense of awareness of the Infinite Being within, and became even more identified as the little “me” person – struggling to find resolution, grasping at straws to see which one might work.

I ask myself, how could I have become so unconscious, so lost in all of it!  Why could I not just have opened my heart and be a presence of Love?  Wouldn’t that solve everything?   I had confused “love” and “spirituality” with always being available, accommodating and “helpful” – also called enabling :) - trying to control the situation by offering unwanted advice and suggestions in my attempt to be “responsible” – ultimately to soothe my own sense of helplessness.  I allowed myself to be put in the middle, creating a triangle - feeling like a ping pong ball emotionally, not wanting to take anybody’s side, but wanting to be “supportive.”  Or so I told myself, unaware of my own dysfunction!   As Byron Katie has said in Loving What Is, I was getting into their business, focused on how they *should* be.  Her book really addresses this issue although she doesn’t call it “co-dependencey.”

I have known, conceptually, for a long time that you cannot save someone from their life experience; you cannot change someone else’s behavior, minbd-set, or view of reality.   And you can’t ever make the dysfunctional person/s happy.  But neither should you have to walk on egg shells around that person, in fear of making them mad.  Now I have to put this renewed awareness into practice and learn all over again to step back, to detach, to take myself out of the middle and let each one take responsibility for themselves and let them experience the impact of their own consequences; setting internal boundaries again, not allowing myself to get entangled in the family drama.  I think this is why it bothered me when The Fence came down between our neighbor, as it symbolized that I was still attached to a sense of self that felt vulnerable, needing protection.  It reflected an internal process that was being played out in my daily life.  “The Universe” was giving me signals that it was time to awaken, to see what was happening…  So I’ve been listening - trying to stay grounded in the Inner Being through meditation, continually coming back to what is truly Awake and Aware within me that could see beyond all this dysfunction, that was totally unaffected by all this, even as my ego-self suffered on the surface.

As has been said many times by many a “spiritual person/teacher” – there are no “spiritual by-passes.”  One must look at themselves honestly, and do the emotional work they need to do to be free.  The “spiritual path” seems to be a catalyst for raising these issues that need to be addressed so that we may be free from our psychological and emotional entanglements; free from our identification with the ego-self – the root issue.  Actually I think that is ultimately what “enlightenment” is:  Being free from the entanglements and identifications that keep us from being awake and seeing the Truth of who we really are underneath all the patterns and roles that keep us from living freely, from realizing our True Nature.

Stay tuned.  I will be writing more on this journey of awakening and unfolding - the journey of opening the True Heart…  It is time…

Photo: Reflected light on the TV screen

"Letting Go" of Control Window

Sometimes what we need to see comes through the window of life itself, not just “window sitting.”

As I mentioned in a previous post, there are still “patterns of the me” that are emerging in awareness here. Control appears to be one of those patterns, and was brought home to me recently through interactions with my mother. As I have heard several teachers say: If you think you are enlightened, spend time with your family. For some of you this post may constitute “story." However, I often find that what is considered “story” can be a great teacher - allowing me to step back and experience the Dharma in the situation.

My mother is 82 years old and getting ready for eye surgery Monday after a failed first surgery 4 months ago. I have tried to be “helpful” in the preparation for this upcoming surgery – meaning: I feel the weight of responsibility to be “on top of things” in an attempt to make sure everyone is on the same page, that all ducks are in a row – which has not been welcome by my mother. It has been met with resistance and with irritation at me for at least trying to make sure everything is understood and the appropriate questions are asked to the appropriate people – without actually “taking over” – meaning not taking the control out of my mother’s hands – trying to respect her and allow her to make her own decisions and ask her own questions. But when I see mental acuity failing, I feel a need to step in. Confusion has been created because she has been told different things by different people. The more I try to make sure that everything is in place, the right questions asked and understood, and urge her to get clarification, the more she resists. It’s a dance that my mother and I have danced many times. And I no longer want to dance this dance.

So I’ve had to recognize that my need to be on top of things, to be responsible, is my subtle way of trying to be in control, trying to make sure everything turns out “right” – under the guise of “caregiving” – by taking on the role of “responsible daughter.” It is also indicative that there is still a *belief* in a separate “me” that can control life and its situations… This pesky little me…

How I function in this “responsible mode” – stressed, anxious, insecure, controlling - is not helpful to anyone. Attempts to control through instructing her on what to do, correcting her misperceptions, prodding her like a child to take responsibility and so forth only serve to alienate. I know this. But those hardwired neurons keep misfiring, sending me the fear messages that I need to be in control. I ignore them as much as possible and offer my mother encouragement and subtle, supportive suggestions instead – giving her a sense of control, a sense of “rightness”, rather than “wrongness”, which seems to be more “helpful.”

But can this “me” really willingly “let go” of its need for control? (And it doesn’t help to tell myself that there is no “me.”) My experience is that I cannot will myself to “let go” of anything – even the sense of “me.” It has to come through relaxed awareness – and trusting that life is as it should be. Through being aware and bringing awareness to a situation, there is a natural “letting go.” Stepping back into the greater context of Awareness is what allows a “letting go” to occur. It allows the pattern of “me” to be seen. Once the “pattern” has been seen, recognized – found out – so-to-speak, its grip loosens. It is no longer “me” trying to “let go” – another form of control. It lets go on its own, as it is no longer able to hide in the shadows of my mind. *It* lets go *by means of* the awareness that is brought to it - by letting the light of awareness in, and by how willing I am to actually face it, as many times as I need to.

And there is another aspect I had to look at as well. For me this “letting go” through *awareness* is an ongoing process of relaxing into a deeper sense of the all-encompassing Beingness that we actually are - and allowing That to be my focus. By continually bringing awareness to what is Aware, and not trying to figure out how to let go, or how to control the situation, noticing what it feels like to be in this space of Awareness, a “letting go” occurs on its own. By bringing awareness to what is Aware, “letting go” is no longer an issue – there is just a subtle dissolving of control, and acceptance of the way things are. From this space of Awareness I don’t get into struggle with the *concept* of “letting go” – or with my mother. I don’t follow the *thought* that I need to let go – or that I need to be responsible. It’s more of a space of allowing, of letting things, life and people be what/who they are. This does not mean that I do not take the necessary actions in the care of my mother – when needed - but it is not a fear-based need to be in control of how things go and the way they may or may not turn out. From this space of Awareness there is a softening of old patterns and a more genuine, open-hearted presence that emerges.

Although, I have to admit, there is still a lurking sense of fear-based responsibility for my mother’s well-being and the resulting anxiety… And so it is…

~*~