When Even Your Kids Know What NaBloPoMo Means

I can't get my family's Sunday morning cinnamon rolls started just yet.

Today's morning paper will have to sit on the counter until this is posted.

I know we need juice and applesauce from the store, but our Target run will have to wait.

Everyone who lives with me knows it's November 1 and that's the same thing as saying NaBloPoMo.

NaBloPoMo for everyone! I know it sounds like a tasty hummus treat and it kind of is at that. NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month, where bloggers post on their blogs every day for the month of November.

You can join in informally, by just blogging away on your blog OR you can join in on the fun of nablopomo'ing (because of course it's a verb) with a blogging community of support--through BlogHer's NaBloPoMo blogroll. You'll definitely meet new people, you'll be entered to win a BlogHer conference pass, and you'll never have to scratch your head or panic with a loss for writing prompts because BlogHer will be publishing daily writing prompts! (omg one more thing your blog post might be picked as a blogher feature)

So whether it's a kick start you need to getting creative juices flowing or seeking out new people to meet, you'll find both while breathing life back into a possibly neglected writing space.

Start today and join up. BlogHer November writing prompts are here. I'm all in: writing every day reminds me of how lucky I am and how much I love having my own place to publish my words.

*To add your name to join up with BlogHer for this year's NaBloPoMo click here.*

Just look at that, my first NaBloPoMo post for 2015. All right, kids, here I come, but before you get your cinnamon rolls, say nablopomo for me.

Now do it with a different syllable accent each time: naBLOpomo NAblopomo nabloPOmo nablopoMO. [my gosh but I love November]

* * * 

Things Boys Need From Their Moms

I have three children, all boys, and I am thrilled without regret, to be their mother.

I don't pretend I'm happy with boys, I am happy with boys. I would have been happy with all girls, too, or with a mix of girls and boys. I just wanted children, since little on. I have wanted to be a mother always.

My children are growing up, as children do, no matter how we try to press them down and keep them small by squishing them in tiny beds (like you don't...) they grow up. I've now entered my 18th year as a mother of all boys, and I've kept mental notes along the way. While driving this morning, the mental list was getting too long to keep track of, so I'm writing it down here. My blog, my open journal, my source of connection, and a bridge to others...

I'm grateful for this space here, and for those who read and share with me. Please take what you feel fits in your life from my list here, and add what you've found is your nugget of wisdom. Let's all help each other with this parenting gig, hmmm?

What I Believe Boys Need From Their Moms (and children in general)

 Teach your boys to respect women and how to treat women. Women on the average are physically smaller and shorter than men, but this is only the physical. Mentally, and person value wise, women are equal to men. It sounds ridiculous to have to teach this, but it's what we as mothers need to do. I turn off commercials that show women as less than capable or inferior or needy, because actions speak louder than words. I comment on magazine covers or ads that show women feeble and manipulative. I am now the second shortest person in my house, there are three taller than I am, and only the 5th grader has to look up to me when he speaks, but my voice in this house carries weight, because I have never backed down from issues or made myself appear as anything less than physicall and mentally able. Is this the first and longest and most run on paragraph in this post? Yes, it is, because this one is the most important of what boys need from their mothers.
 
Some boys will not want to talk as much as you do. Very possibly true. You may feel the need to ask and jump to the emotional right away, they may not. You know your child, his eyes will tell you if he needs some nudging to talk more. Otherwise, if they want to be left alone for awhile, try and oblige and give them that distance. Always with one eye to their hearts, open.

Say nice things to them. They may roll their eyes, but it still sounds like honey on toast. Drop them off at school with a "Knock 'em dead, handsome," and a "Whoa! Here's some sunglasses for those lethal blue eyes!" They'll think you're a cornball, but inside, they love to hear someone is that gaga over them.

Always always always and always, let them know how glad you are they were born. No matter what. Never say you can't wait till they're gone or they move out or leave for college. No matter what the day has been like, NEVER say that.

Tell them you love them, and like them. At least twice a day. Via phone, text, email, notes left on the kitchen table, it all counts.

Teach them how to graciously give, and receive, an apology, by modeling it yourself. 

You're the sentinel at the internet gate. Have your household screens password protected and be the administrator for downloads/uploads on their electronics. Censoring? You bet it is. What they fill their minds with, stays. While you're in control, plant the seed of a conscience. 

Monitor their time on screens with a timer. 

Remind them that they exist because the world demands their presence in it, please, take part in your world, children.

Be visible in their schools or extra curricular activities. They feel pretty proud when it's their mom reading in front of the classroom, or teaching Sunday school, or the one on Friday afternoons teaching JA, or the boy scout leader, or the forensics coach. Parents are needed in so many places in and out of school. Don't let the same ones always be doing the same work, you get on in there. Your boys will beam that it's you.

Find out who their teachers are, the people they eat lunch with, and what they have for homework. Ask them about one of these things, every day.

I'm writing this paragraph again, it's the most important one. Teach your boys to respect women and how to treat women. Women are, on the average, physically smaller and shorter, but this is only the physical. Mentally, and person value wise, women are equal to men. It sounds ridiculous to have to teach this, but it's what we as mothers have to do. I turn off commercials that show women as less than capable or inferior or needy, because actions speak louder than words. I comment on magazine covers or ads that show women feeble and manipulative. I am now the second shortest person in my house, there are three taller than I am, and only the 5th grader has to look up to me when he speaks, but my voice in this house carries weight, because I have never backed down from issues or made myself appear as anything less than physically and mentally able. Is this the first and longest and most run on paragraph in this post? Yes, it is, because this one is the most important of what boys need from their mothers.

Remind them to wear their seat belt. Every day, every time they leave. Say, "Please wear your seat belt. It's safer that way." Don't forget.

Ask them what they'd like more of, from you.

Talk to them about drugs, alcohol and sex, even if that's not your thing. Tell them what drugs do to a young person's brain and body, tell them what alcohol does to a young person's brain and body, and tell them what too early sex does to a young person's heart and soul. Also say, "Just because you're physically able to do something doesn't mean you should."

Teach them the difference between assertive and aggressive, by showing them how to ask for things they want. Model the behavior of cooperation seeking, rather than bullying and tell them that asking for something is the best way to get it. Reassure them in their attempts and encourage them to speak up for themselves. You can begin this with their interactions with teachers, and later on when talking for themselves at Dr. appointments. 

Congratulate them on their accomplishments, attempts, grades, projects, events, races, meets, competitions, papers, debates. Tell them you're proud, you see the work they did, and how impressed you are with their dedication and self direction. Never take the good in them for granted or as a given.

Let them know your expectations. Set the bar as one of value, perseverance, effort, and challenge. Share your stories of when you pushed beyond your comfort zone, and how you triumphed, or not. Let them know that it's in the push that we see the glory. And the glory, is in the effort.  

Have to say the obvious here -- let them know the tried and true of Do your best, Work your hardest, Honor your commitments.

Smile often, and tell them how much you enjoy being their mother. They don't need to know about the intricacies of your adulthood, just let them know being their mother is the highlight of your life here.

Don't think you don't matter. OH BOY, you matter. Attend any of their events when you can. When they see your face there, they have to stop themselves from bursting into a full grin. Even if you don't see it. That's what I tell myself, "Oh if he could smile that pearly smile right now, he so would."

 If they act like they don't need you, it's because they don't. Not always. Take your cue, assess the situation. Look into their eyes and read between the lines of their voices. They're biologically wired to seek independence and lead, but a well placed, kind, "Just let me know, I'm right here," is a reassuring encouragement for new endeavors.

Boys are the opposite sex of what their moms are. They're not our carbon copies, remember this when you have times when you can't understand them. Hormonally and biologically, they're not female. The hormones testosterone and estrogen have separate purposes.

Make your house an emotionally safe, accepting place. Promise them you will always listen, then never break that promise. Whatever they come to you with, zip your lip, and listen. If you want your children to come to you and speak freely and openly, they've got to trust you.

Make your house a physically safe place. Don't invite danger in. In all its forms.

Take a deep breath before reactions. Don't think parent/child, think human/person to person. This is especially important when they get older.

Squeeze in the little things they like, do it. Whatever it is. Sometimes that means getting up earlier, going to bed later, not finishing that book like you want to, but make the pumpkin bread that he loves in the fall. Fifty minutes of your time, but he smiles when he knows what he sees when he comes home from school.

Loving your boys physically, verbally, emotionally, will not make them mama's boys. It'll just make them feel secure that they matter in this world.

Teach them to value themselves and every bit of themselves. Let them hear you say over and over, "Don't give yourself away lightly."

Find a common hobby. Bike riding? Walks? Trips to the library? Reading books silently side by side? Looking through cookbooks? Seeing scifi movies together? Watching soccer plays of the week? Tennis at the playground or against the garage door? You can find something. Don't give up. 

Guide them into independent decision making. Ask them what they think and why. Tell them you trust what they'll do, and let them own that decision.

Teach them to not waste water, use leftover water to water plants, and turn off the shower while you soap up. Give them a conscience about what needs to be treated with wonder and respect.

Tell them they can call you anytime, from anywhere, if they find themselves in a place/condition that is not right. You'll come, no questions asked, you'll fly there faster than Superman. Stick to that promise.

"Accept your child for who he is, and watch him blossom." I've kept this in my heart, ever since my children were bitty toddlers and I read it in a parenting magazine. "Accept your child for who he is, and watch him blossom." 

I keep those words at the ready, every day, and it's the filter I speak through.

So much love to all you parents. xo

__________________________________________________

End Medicine Abuse

Listen To Your Mother  has joined forces with The Partnership at Drugfree.org to host an exclusive blog tour, to follow the live-streaming event of readings on September 10.

We invite you to join us today, Thursday, September 12, as 11 women discuss the epidemic of medicine abuse -- a health issue that is a concern for all of us. Read the original stories on their blogs today and hear them read live, sharing in what we know, and how you can help.
 

These readings feature new and original work about each of the women’s personal connections to addiction, substance use, and/or what they want children to know about the medicine abuse epidemic through powerful story-sharing. The following is my contribution to the #EndMedicine Abuse project.

* * * 

Growing up, there was no "talk" about drugs, drug abuse, or alcohol use in my home. My family was one of tight lipped understanding of what was acceptable or not. It was behavior based on fear, and though we might have done what was expected, sadly, there was no closeness.

My single parent mother wasn't comfortable bringing up issues that were hard, difficult ones to cover. Where do kids find knowledge and understanding, if it's not offered at home? We get it from school programs, yes, but where is the trust of someone you love, in that information?

I have talked to my teenagers about drugs. I began telling them when they were in the 6^th grade. I didn't fear that they'd roll their eyes and sigh, bored at what lecture mom had to give because you kow what your kids will listen to?

Stories from real life.

The kind that are scary and uncomfortable to hear. And even more uncomfortable to tell, because of their truth.

When I was a teenager, there was a girl in my neighborhood, who after being out of school after a week of whispered rumors that her boyfriend had overdosed on her mother's prescription barbiturates, came back, to say that yes, her boyfriend at 17, had died.

The girl had often joked about her mother's medicine cabinet looking like a pharmacy. Her boyfriend got curious one day, and tried the pills. In the beginning, one pill at a time was fun enough. He soon though it would be more fun with two. And then four or more at a time became the amount of fun he needed. The pills didn't feel dangerous to him because they came from a Doctor.

When four at a time didn't get him as high as they used to, someone at school told him that if you take the pills with cough medicine, it would be a real wild ride. The girl was too scared to try that with him, but she was even more scared to tell him no. Her mother never checked on her cabinet full of prescriptions, new and expired, there were so many bottles, she never noticed what bottles had what pills missing, and they were all within such easy reach. One afternoon, with no one home at the girl's house, he took the red pills with yellow pills, and a bottle of her little sister's prescription cough medicine. He died that day.

No one believes that a tragedy will happen, especially if it's not talked about.

My children know this story to the point that they know the color of the girl's eyes. They know how that boy is forever 17. They know the names of the prescription drugs he took that day and of how prescription drugs killed him.

That boy is forever 17. And I will forever see the much too young girl's grey eyes stark against her face made ghostly white from grief, on the day I first saw her after her boyfriend died.

If you heard of a way that you could earn 50 cents on a dollar, you'd take it.

If someone told you that they knew of something that could give you a 50 percent chance of keeping your children safer, you'd say, "Tell me what to do."

Children who learn about the risks of drugs from their parents are up to 50 percent less likely to use drugs than those who do not get that critical message at home. 

50 percent less. Just by talking to them.

Talk to your children about prescription drug abuse. Lock up your medications and keep them out of reach, discard your unused and expired ones. Tell your children that coming from a Doctor doesn't mean they're safe -- they're prescription for a reason. Don't wait for them to ask you to talk. You tell them you want to talk.

It's never too early to start the conversation.

* * *

I am proud to be among the voices listed here, who are contributing their stories to this important project to EndMedicineAbuse. Please visit their blogs today to read and hear their story:

Janelle Hatchet – http://www.renegademothering.com
Brandi Jeter – http://mamaknowsitall.com
Sherri Kuhn – http://oldtweener.com
Heather King – http://www.extraordinary-ordinary.net
Lyz Lenz – http://www.lyzlenz.com/
Judy Miller – http://judymmiller.com
Lisa Page Rosenberg – http://www.smacksy.com
Alexandra Rosas – http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com
Ellie Schoenberger – http://www.onecraftymother.com
Zakary Watson – http://www.raisingcolorado.com
Melisa Wells – http://suburbanscrawl.com

Videos of live readings can be seen here:
Part I
Part II
Part III

 This live event, blog tour, and post are sponsored by The Partnership for Drugfree.org, LTYM’s 2013 National Video Sponsor, working together with listentoyourmothershow.com in an effort to #EndMedicineAbuse.


THANK YOU all so much for your attention to this crucial project.

Let's pledge to do all we can to keep our kids safe. Learn more and take the pledge to #EndMedicineAbuse at Drugfree.org/medicineabuseproject

__________________________________________________________________________

10 Things I Did Right This Month!

I really should call this "!0 Things I Did Right! This Month!," because! I did something right!

Shocker.

Years and years ago, I learned a few tricks that I still keep in my back pocket, so I  can pull them out to use after the kind of weeks that feel more like they're months. The wise dispenser of this universal knowledge was my then therapist -- she would listen with her chin resting on the heels of both her hands, while I sat in her office that felt more like a living room, and tell her about my life.

"... and and (hic sob) and... i just can't take on anymore, you know? (hic)"

"... oh, that just ... sounds like SO much. You really are doing so much."

"... i... i... i know. and i'm tired." (knocks over mugful of pens on her desk grabbing for kleenex)

She was so smart, she knew what I needed was someone to hear my lamentations and to not offer advice. Her words were like honey down a sore throat, I lapped up her syrupy medicine by the eager spoonful.  "You need a break." "My gosh, how do you do it all?" "Is there anything you can't do?" Such music to my ears.

Yup, some mighty fine days in the sun right there. Until said Dr. developed psychotherapist burnout.  Buh-bye Wisconsin and your soul-crushing winters, hello rejuvenating Arizona with your healing rays.

But this treasure of a human being left me with something ever eternal: several use-to-the-day-I-die bits of advice that I have also passed on to my children.

Behold, Dr. Suzanne's glistening pearls of wisdom:

1.  You don't have to be wrong for others to be right.

2.  Accept yourself for who you are, and live that life joyfully.

3.  Eat right, sleep enough, get out once a day.

4.  Be careful with the music you hear and the words you read.

5.  Wear a rubber band on your wrist, snap it every time you think a negative thought about yourself and then immediately replace that thought with a positive one.

6. And one of my favorites: If something was hard to do, don't wait for someone to say good job, YOU tell yourself *good job.*

I call this week a "good job, Alexandra!!" double exclamation point phase of life right now.

Had to call in the big guns more than once in May and remind myself to give out that pat on the back for work that I did manage to do, and forget about the two-thirds things that didn't move any closer off the to-do list than when they were on last month's to-do list.

Celebrate with me, won't you, my friends, and read along to my list of 10 things! I did right this month:

• Hauled off a vanful of toys, shoes, books, games, clothes to Goodwill.

• Cleaned, repaired, pressed, donated, school uniform items for kids that aren't able to buy a uniform when they outgrow their old ones.

• Saw my mother several times this week. I never lose my patience when she asks me ten times in three minutes where the kids are. 

         "Where are they?"

         "In school."
 
         "Oh. Where are they?" 

• Got it together at the last minute and hellyeah just made it into the neighborhood rummage sale. Reduce clutter, increase home zen.

•  Wrote a stack of long overdue thank you letters.

•  Vacuumed and cleaned the minivan!

•  Cooked dinner at least four times per week.

•  Said what the heck and laughed in the face of stacked dishes and laundry and went with the three boys to see Star Trek Into Darkness.

•  Made a meal for a family of three boys whose mother just had surgery.

• Starting at 7:30 a.m. one day this week, I went out to our front yard and had at it. We no longer look like the only haunted house in the subdivision.

There is still a lot I didn't do that I need to do before the kids are home for summer vacation BUT I did do some stuff, and doing some stuff is how you one by one knock the items off the list.

Am I right? Or am I right?

Wait, I can't hear you, can you say it louder, please?

GOOD JOB, ALEXANDRA!

Aw, I know. 

Thank you.

* * *

The Importance of a Personal Support System

My 10-year-old son bounds out of the van as I drop him off at school. I see another little guy, back pack knocking against his body, as he spies my boy and runs to catch up to him. Their faces burst into smiles when they meet up; sincere grins that show trust and acceptance in and of each other. Secure, liking both what they see in front of them as well as what is reflected back: pure joy in knowing each other.

It's no small thing to feel accepted, valued, in another's eyes.

If we're fortunate, we have people in our lives that help us remember who we are and that we are not alone in our days here: friends, partners, co-workers, exercise buddies, book clubbers. I wrote a post earlier this month with some suggestions on where to begin looking for companions along this road of life.

There are books written, an especially helpful one by Renee Trudeau, on the value and therapeutic benefits of having people who understand us in our lives. What Trudeau calls a personal support system. Support, because they hold us up, like strong beams against a howling wind. Having friends is natural and effortless when we are young, but for me, it takes much work in this later part of my life.

What is it about relationships at this phase of our life? Busy? Yes. Excuses? They don't feel like excuses. We have important, pressing, urgent, time sensitive responsibilities to others now. There are mouths to feed and little people to keep warm and dry.

Much too quickly, we find ourselves only doing, and not maintaining.

It's not easy, and it takes effort and planning, sometimes just acting on the impulse to reach out -- to make time for friends and personal contacts -- but it's worth every bit of work. Life is better with someone there to give a pat on the back or send a kind word. Knowing there are minds and hearts out there, caring about you, sending you love. The personal support system that friendships create is something that reminds us that we have a place to turn to.

Friendships can be re-ignited, or an initial spark can be lit, in one of many ways.

Here is what I have found to be successful in maintaining, building, and connecting with people I really, really like, and need:

Reconnect
A quick voice mail to say you miss someone, a short email saying you’d like to catch up, or a simple hand written note inviting them for coffee. It is an action set into motion that will start the wheels spinning in the right direction.

Slow Down
One of the challenges of a busy life is to carve out time to reach out. Finding time. Making the time, even if you never have it. We need to tend to our relationships with others to keep this friendship alive and healthy. Making staying in touch a scheduled priority; as in, every Wednesday morning, scheduling a walk with a friend, then sticking to it. Make the time, rather than waiting for the time to appear.

A Quick Conversation Still Works
With the internet, emailing, voice mail, twitter, Facebook, there really is no reason we cannot have a quick two minute check in, to ask how they are, retell a funny story, update someone on our life, wish them a good day. It can be done. And we can do it on our own timetable. It's communication that keeps a friendship alive.

Keep It Simple
If we wait for the right time, the right words, the right event, we can end up waiting for a time that never comes. We need to grab, snatch, make, the few minutes it takes to feel connected. It can be so simple and doesn't need to be a half hour phone call -- five minutes will do -- a quick gesture or words saying, “Hello, I miss you, and I’m so glad you are in my life.” This is how you let someone know they are important to you.

Small accommodations with a huge pay off. These daily, mini gestures on my part have made an amazing difference to me and to my presence in my friends' lives.

It’s the power of a deliberate effort that brings its reward. And the reward of feeling connected and bonded just from a few minutes of my time on a daily basis far outweighs the few minutes I am able to give here and there. We're social creatures, craving that presence of another.

Just one soft touch down in someone's life can keep that person in your life.

My son sees his friends every day. They are vested in each other through laughter and shared lunch times. No wonder their smiles light up as big as the sun when they see each other again the next day. Smiles as telling as mine when I see my friends; the ones I sit down for at 11 p.m. at night to send them an email -- the people I'm so much happier with, than without.

* * * 

Milwaukee Auditions Now Open for Listen To Your Mother Show

Everyone has a mother story. The Listen To Your Mother Show is coming to Milwaukee and can't wait to hear yours!

Auditions are now open for our Sunday, May 5, 2013 Milwaukee show, and we invite you to read your original work as we seek the poignant, the bittersweet, the funny, the visceral, the timeless, the moments that happen in the blink of an eye, as Milwaukee gives motherhood a microphone.

We seek a diverse group of readers to share their original stories of what motherhood means to them. Listen To Your Mother is a nationwide collective live presentation honoring Mother's Day across 24 cities, on or around Mother's Day. Our day to shine is Sunday, May 5, 2013, at 3 PM (venue to be announced).

We are looking for people of all ages, ethnic backgrounds, gender, NON mothers, sons, and daughters.

We encourage you to share your story, by appointment only, and present your original piece. Auditions will be held at the Milwaukee Public Library from 12:30 pm to 4:30pm, on Saturday, March 2 Conference Room 2B or from 9 AM to 6 PM on Sunday, March 3 at Bayshore Mall Community Room, Suite A-256.

To audition, here's what you need to know:

1. Auditions are by appointment only (see details below). Time slots available are for either Saturday March 2 at the Milwaukee Central Public Library Conference Room 2B 814 W. Wisconsin Ave 12:30 pm - 4:30 pm or Sunday March 3 at Bayshore Mall Community Room 5800 N. Bayshore Dr 9:00 am - 6:00 pm.
2. Arrive 10 minutes early and ready to read, with three copies of a 3 to 5 minute prepared original work, on an aspect of motherhood.
3. Take a deep breath and believe that yours is a story that needs to be heard.

To schedule an audition, or if you have questions or comments, please email ltymmil (at) gmail (dot) com with Audition in subject line, or call 414-939-LTYM (5896).

Want to see the type of  material we're looking for? This helpful FAQS post on what you need to know to audition for a Listen To Your Mother Show.

Thinking you can't do this because you've never done it before? Think again. Read this encouraging post by LTYM-Spokane Producer/Director Stacey: A word on stage fright and storytelling.

Check back here often for updates and announcements, and follow LTYM on twitter, or facebook. We'll have lots more to tell you, like an exciting venue announcement, as the date for our show approaches!

We want to hear your amazing words. Come, speak your story OUT LOUD, and feel the connection that comes with sharing your life.

Listen To Your Mother Shows, changing lives, building bridges, giving motherhood a stage. Don't miss this chance to be part of something powerful.

We hope to hear from you!

Alexandra and Jen Gaskell
Director/Producer ~ Listen To Your Mother/ Milwaukee

Just This.

Breaking News: Titanic Sinks and Social Media Interferes With Real Life

photo credit: Heritage Vancouver via photopin cc

We were all sitting at the family dermatologist's office (yeah, group rate, what of it?) waiting for our names to be called. I was flipping through magazines older than the hills telling me a ship called the Titanic sank, when I saw an article in a magazine from 2009. The blistering title and byline was "Social Media--It's Taking You Away From Your Real Life."

The paragraphs go on to tell me all that I could be doing by logging off. Strengthening real life relationships (like online ones aren't real?), developing a hobby (got one, it's twitter), exercising (bawk! that chicken sound, you know?), and re-organizing my life (what's wrong with sitting on laundry?).

Right, all these things I could be doing. Could. That's the kicker there, the author assumes I'd be doing things if I weren't online. Oh, my sides, my sides from the laughter. Yeah no not so much.

Here's my list of "All I Could Be Doing If I Weren't Online":

--Staring at my fingernails, willing my lazy butt go get out of the house and get a manicure.

--Poking around snack cabinet deciding on what to have for second breakfast.

--Walking around the house with two pairs of socks on to stretch out my new winter boots.

--Letting Bethenny Now! exercise DVD play in background while I finish up sweetnsalty chips kids left out last night.

--Walk downstairs to basement with intention to cull toys dvds books. Walk back upstairs after three minutes.

--Be at local yoga class where teacher there always waits until I'm relaxed with my eyes closed to sneak up on me and make me jump ten feet into the air by whispering "namaste" into my ear.

--Or I could be at Zumba, where instructor tries again to talk me into leading Zumba Silver.

--Pull blankets off beds to let sheets "breathe" as Martha Stewart Living advises. Consider that my gold bar of housekeeping for the day.

--Decide to have lunch with kids at school, show up with McDonald's bags only to have them grab bag out of my hands and say, "Thanks mom you can go home now. No, really, you can go home now."

--Look down at jeans with permanent knee mounds, take myself to Old Navy for new pair. All are too long and too tight. Refuse to try double digit numbered ones. Drive to Hefner's Cup O'Custard, sit in parking lot, licking wounds metaphorically through death by chocolate triple scoop in cup. Consider death by chocolate literal invitation.

--Drive to afternoon matinee. Suffer through "Playing for Keeps" about hypersexed soccer moms wanting to do aging soccer star Gerard Butler at every which way while he coaches their little ones on for a team win! Try and guess which mom is the one who gets behind the scenes reffing. I win.

--Rummage through husband's sock and underwear drawer. Hoping to find something linking him to exciting past Bourne identity life, find only saved tags from boxers in case new ones don't fit.


Oh, the undeniable Jezebel that Social Media is. We need no more proof than this list right here. 

Peace out. 

You Don't Have To BlackFriday It, Did You Know That?

Due to financial instabilities of the economy within the world of this household, we are not going to be a part of the Black Friday money-saving madness today. People spend to save, but it's still spending.

Black Friday makes people lose their minds. McDonald's opens at 2:30 a.m., stores open at 4 a.m. with "Door Buster" savings where they only stock five or six of that bustin' item advertised to get you to show up and bust their doors down. They have no fear of you turning around and leaving when you find out the $89 flat screen TV you wanted is sold out; "well, as long as I'm here, I'll buy something else."

I'm sleeping in the day after Thanksgiving. I'll get up and walk around in my well worn mismatched pajamas, sipping on my newly habited Decaf, and make cinnamon rolls for my children. I know what I'll be missing, HUGE deals, 40 percent off and more! sales.

I'll especially miss out on things like this:

-Getting my face pepper sprayed when going for the last coveted door buster Xbox.

-Being trampled while already lined-up customers duck underneath a lifting store gate.

-Getting carried away in a sea of humanity over $2 waffle irons.

-Climbing across and into vats of sweet potatoes to get to a video game.

-And if you smugly think this wouldn't happen to you because you never go to the likes of Walmart or Best Buy, here's a scene of a hipster crowd at Urban Outfitters, showing the theft detector devices that were stomped down in an insane gates-opening dash.

There's a lot to miss.

This holiday, let's re-think the old habit of imitating what the mainstream does. Consider rejecting the spirit of greed and consumerism: not just because of the b.s listed above, but so that your family watches and learns from you. Do it for them. Let them see that the holidays are about sharing all we've been blessed with, with those that are struggling.

A holiday season without any thought for those without, or at a loss, is an impoverished holiday. 

Think about this: 1 in 4 children in America goes to bed hungry because of unemployment, neediness, the mental and physical health of their caretakers. You know how hard it is to fall asleep hungry? These children do, every night.

If you venture out today, let it be to a grocery store. Take your kids with you and let them fill a whole shopping cart with food for others. See those big food donation barrels placed at almost every grocery store door starting this week? Fill them. The best items to donate are baby cereal, dry cereals, delicious flavored instant oatmeals that only need water to prepare, packs of tuna, instant add water only pancake mix, canned soup or ravioli or beefy mac, jars of peanut butter, the mac & cheese that comes with the prepared sauce and doesn't need butter or milk.(see the pattern? Get the Add Water Only--we take much for granted, including that ALL households have milk, eggs, butter ... they don't.)

Go crazy that way. Lose your mind and buy every single box of ready-made Kraft there is and climb over each other to get them in the Food for Families food barrels.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing to see on the news tonight? People knocking each other over to fill those donation receptacles? Maybe someday, we'll get it right.

Peace Out.

xo

A Holy Day

Venerated, sacred, good, devoted to. These are the words listed under the dictionary definition of "holy."

Thanksgiving is a rare holiday--it's non denominational and crosses into ecumenical realms as well as being observed separately from religion. It's a beautiful American holiday when we open our homes to others to share and celebrate a day spent centered on history, family, and our need to give thanks.

When I was little, I used to call Thanksgiving "practice." I would tell my grandmother that it gets people "practicing" being nice before the holidays begin. I still think of it that way. Warming up to start anew. Refining ourselves and polishing up our act a bit--rubbing off some of the selfish that serves no one.

We give thanks and concentrate on the gratitude. It's when we put on the glasses of gratefulness that we see the blessings we were too blind to notice before we corrected our vision.

Earlier this week, I had to take my youngest in for an annual blood draw. It's something he's had to do every year since he was two. He doesn't like it, but he knows he has to do it. He always tells me on the morning of our appointment that he's going to be brave this time, but when we arrive at the hospital, he gets quiet.

While we were waiting for his name to be called with this last visit, a small girl came over, sliding next to us to watch Grover singing on Sesame Street on the TV monitor mounted on the wall. She stared at my son who was leaning against my shoulder and asked him, "Do you have diabetes, too?" My son looked at me, not knowing how to answer.

I prodded him, "Go ahead, honey, tell her why you're here. So she knows."

"No, I'm here for something else ..." and his voice just stopped. I could tell he knew to say more, but didn't know what.

"No, honey," I looked at her pretty face. "We're here for something else. Are you here for a diabetes check?"

"Yeah. I've been here since this morning. I have to stay here all day till they say I'm done. I had to come yesterday, too."

"Oh. Well, you are as brave as my son. You both are so brave."

Her parents called her back, and she left us.

Soon it was our turn, and I held my son on my lap as they drew his blood. It was over quickly, but that didn't lessen his anxiousness. We waved to the little girl as we left the lab and I took my boy to the pharmacy next door, where they have penny candy and little white sacks that I let my son fill until he feels there's enough Swedish Fish and Nerds and Twizzlers to make him feel right again.

We drove home quietly, the only sound in the car the rustling of his paper sack as he fishes out his favorite candy.

"Mom?"

"Yes, honey."

"Nothing like a trip to the hospital to change your perspective. Yesterday I felt so sad that I have to do this every year and my friends don't. But then we saw that girl, and she has to come all the time. I'm really lucky."

I was quiet while the wisdom of this ten-year-old boy settled over me. He knows more now than grown people learn in a lifetime.

"Yes, baby, sometimes we're lucky, and we don't even know it."

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and I wish you moments in life of finding yourself feeling just how fortunate we all are.

***

Scared Clean

image

SNL likes to parody a documentary that aired in the late 70's called "Scared Straight." Short and quick, Scared Straight was about a group of juvenile delinquents and their exposure, filmed, to actual convicts. Like, face to face close enough to get spit in your eye exposure.

The hope was that these prison guys with names like ChopChop, Jesus, Rodman, Gallo--would scream, berate, and terrify these tenderonies straight and away from a life of crime. Oh and there be swear words, along with lots of kissysmooch sounds out to the air.

Scary shiz and man oh man if I were 15-year-old Danny Levinger invited to spend the day with these lifers? Guaranteed I'd come back with a rewritten life plan in my notebook on the bus ride home, fully complete ten years out called "Scared Damn Right."

Well, I've just had my own Scared Straight revelation.

While flipping through talk show channels the other day, (I skipped out on AndersonLive, he keeps ignoring my on-air tweets so I got him back good by changing channels) I stopped on a show that was interviewing clutter control professionals. The segment was called Not Quite Hoarders. Oh and it was as valuable as Scared Straight to me.

Thirty minutes into the show, I became what Standolyn Roberston, star of A&E's popular series, Hoarders, calls "action prone." Action prone is a mental state where you need to STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT. When you're action prone, you are motivated--the Hoarders' version of Nike's Just Do it.

When I heard one of the clutter organizers say, "our children learn organization from us. Their response to an environment has to do with what is modeled at home. Living with disorganization and too many things will DESENSITIZE them to disarray in their future and they will have DIFFICULTY seeing chaos, where someone else who grew up in order and organization may recognize disorder much quicker. AND PLUS ALSO TOO these children of disorganiztion WILL NOT KNOW how to organize their future homes," my head popped up like the wounded gazelle at a watering hole when she senses danger.

The caps you see above may not have occurred but so what, that's how I heard it. So, basically, when my three boys go away to college, they'll be the ones falling asleep on top of a stack of books with socks hanging off their desk lamps while piles of underwear are what they use for a pillow.

Charming visual. I know. Because of me.

I can no longer call my stuff treasures, precious, semi-precious, valuable, antique, heirloom, generational, collectible, memorabilia, mementos, keepsakes, souvenirs. I can't keep the toothbrush they used when they first brushed their teeth by themselves.

I can no longer deny, procrastinate, avoid, be indecisive, feel overwhelmed, or unfocused. I can't say either I do it all today, or I don't do it all.

I need to decide, handle, toss out, spend time, give away, plan, be ruthless. I need to drop off five industrial strength bags of things at the family sharing store once a month.

I am going to clean up because I will in no way become that lady responsible for my three kids sitting on metal folding chairs in some church basement someday while busloads of young college-bound students are brought in to see them while my three whistle and cat call out to them, screaming, "Yeah?! Ya think ya all of a sudden one day wake up underneath a pile of 200 plastic Transformer cups?! Huh? Ya think we like being this way?!"

I'm so action prone right now that by the time I'm through with this place, I'll be written up in Destination Must Sees of Taoist Monthly.

***

DARE

Cleaning out some posts in draft that I never got to, and came across this 1:29 short video. I tagged it, "must see."

How could I have ever forgotten about this.

I always get chills at :54; and even with the cheesy brass at 1:08, I'm crying at 1:13, and my eyes are filled with tears by the fast and furious finale at 1:19.

"DARE;" what I know about it is that it was filmed in Peru for a clothing line called SAGA.

What else do I know about it? It tells me to never let FEAR win.

The Aussies Nail It. Again. R U OK? Day

Have you heard about this? R U OK ? Day. It's got me inspired, and in turn, it's inspiring my kids. The day is Thursday, September 13, an international day set aside to ask each other, "Are you OK?"

The R U OK Day? organization has a motivating website that tells you everything you need to know, as well as some ideas on how to ask someone more about their life. Ideas on how to begin are here.

R U OK? Day is an international day of action that began in Australia. On the second Thursday of September (13 September 2012), the day is dedicated to inspiring all people of all backgrounds to regularly ask each other "Are you OK?"

In their words, "By raising awareness about the importance of connection and providing resources throughout the year, the R U OK? Foundation aims to prevent isolation by empowering people to support each other through life's ups and downs. By regularly reaching out to one another with open and honest conversations, we can all help build a more connected community."

Very cool.

I'm excited to initiate conversation, strengthen existing relationships, and maybe make surface acquaintances into something deeper, by asking one small question. You may give someone the courage to ask for help by asking "Are you OK?" You might stop little problems from becoming bigger, because you got involved. Help is always available and it’s important for people to know that someone cares enough to support them, even more so if they're struggling. Show you care by asking how they are.

You don’t have to be an expert to support someone going through a tough time. You just need to be able to listen to them, without judgment and take the time to follow up. Ask, listen, encourage. For ideas on where to start, how to start, and some great examples on how to ask "Are you OK?" click here. Share the list with your children.

I challenged my family, me included, to ask someone we only know on a surface level, on Thursday, September 13, "Are you OK?"

Just that one question from you on that one day, may change a life. Or, at the very least, it will bring a smile. Most people don't openly share their feelings, especially if they feel shame in their problems. The best thing we can all do is regularly talk to the people around us - regardless of whether they are at risk - because connection is good for everyone.

Here's to your chance, September 13: R U OK? Day. Ask a question that could change a life.

What Can Happen When We Honor Our Emotions

If you're anything like me, when given the opportunity to hear someone speak on a way of life that you strive for every day, you make it happen.

I routinely pore over our community paper in hopes of finding an interesting discussion, meeting, session; something that would inspire me, enrich me, and connect me to like-minded people. I remember a December morning, driving to hear a just-published author speak on her book, "Emotional Abundance." This screamed my name loud and clear: I had the emotional part, now I just had to learn how to make it feel abundant. Michelle Bersell, an area psychotherapist, was the speaker.

By nature, my DNA has "take no risk, risk no rejection" stamped all over its genome type. But Michelle had me nodding my head up and down so vigorously in agreement during her talk, that I made my shy self walk up to this intelligent woman afterward, and thank her for her words that were like water to my parched soul.

She was gracious, and so began our friendship. I have known Michelle professionally as my life coach and have come to now know her as my friend. She is a pure spirit of a woman, who feels we are all more capable than what we set before us.

I decided to take another risk and ask Michelle to be on my blog so that I could introduce you to this inspirational woman. I spoke with her on the phone, we emailed a few times, and today I am excited and proud and humbled to have her here, talking on a fascinating subject: our emotions. Her premise: when we "own" and honor our feelings, rather than interpret them as "good" or "bad," the ground is fertile for self-empowerment and an active role in our lives. Before uncovering the truth to her emotions, Michelle confesses that even though she was a psychotherapist, she would become paralyzed by her feelings and fears.

Thank you, Michelle, for accepting my invitation to be on my site today. I am thrilled to share you with the wonderful people I've met along the way.

 _________________________________

As a mom, are you filled with confidence about how attentive and present you are with your kids? Do you feel like you are able to fulfill their every need? If you are like most moms, including myself, the answer is likely a big, fat NO!

Even though you already realize that not being able to fulfill your child’s every need is a good thing, a part of you yearns to do so. It is that part of you that wants to feel above adequate in providing for your kids’ emotional needs. Because women happen to be genetically set up to be more aware of feelings, moms tend to set much of the emotional tone in the families. Through being connected to your feelings, you are able to create greater intimacy within your relationships as well as a more robust emotional center.

Setting the emotional tone in your family is no easy task. You have your own emotions to deal with, your spouse or partner’s, as well as your kids. So while you may wake up enthused about your day, your son or daughter may make some offhanded comment that gets you reeling.

Not too long ago, my son’s comment “I like Dad’s kisses better,” got me going. Making matters worse, his twin brother agreed. My saving grace was my daughter, who although did not stick up for me, at least didn’t chime in with her brothers.

Is it silly that a comment like that tweaked me? Well, yes and no. As a psychotherapist, I can tell you the easier thing to do is blow off our feelings, no matter how irrational or pathetic they may first appear. Our rational mind can easily dismiss and label incidents that trigger our feelings as insignificant, wrong or shameful, in order to get us to move on with our day.

Here’s the deal though: Should you blow off your feelings, you are unknowingly missing crucial information about yourself that is impacting the emotional tone you set in your family AND that will keep you from feeling fulfilled.

What was underneath my own feelings was the oh so stereotypical mother’s guilt. Even though I thought I got the work/life balance down, I wondered “Did I miss the mark? Was I not available to my kids as much as I thought?” Wow, - all that from one little comment!

Of course, I am not conscious of those thoughts and concerns as I go about my day. Most of the time, I am feeling pretty darn good as a parent. It would be so easy for you or I to ignore these tiny little hurts. Yet I persuade you not to because what is underneath the feeling is juicy information that supports you and I to live in even greater joy and fulfillment.

You see, each feeling has its own unique gift. The gift of guilt is that when it is understood from your empowered self, it is supporting you to reclaim more of who you are as a woman. In other words, there is an old, outdated version of who you think you ought to be that no longer serves you. For us women, the ideal mom version we hold within us runs deep. In fact, our rational minds may dismiss this super mom version of ourselves entirely. The ego, which holds your fear, wants to use that version of super nurturer to test you as you grow more fully into your unique expression of being a woman. What is often at the hull of the ego’s notion of keeping our children emotionally healthy is being the ultimate nurturers.

As a psychotherapist and a mom, I can tell you what kids really need is to have nurturance modeled to them. Sometimes, nurturance is modeled through providing them with the care they need. What is often missing, however, is being able to model how to self-soothe.

To be frank, this task can be a challenge, when most adults themselves do not know how to self-soothe in a truly nurturing way. What is modeled to kids is turning to food, alcohol, Facebook and cell phones to try to ease our inner tensions. What is modeled is short-term fixes rather than long-term solutions.

Think of how different our society would be if kids understood how to address their feelings from an empowered stance instead. Rather than feel weighed down or helpless, your kids would be able to recognize how their negative feelings are showing them how to get back on track to their true selves. The result is they feel more certain in who they are, giving them the confidence to allow their true self to shine!

You and I, as mothers, are at the forefront of this change in emotional well-being. As you can see from my own example, this isn’t about providing yourself or your kids with a quick fix. It is a daily practice to recognize when your small self comes up that you are actually being guided to honor more of your truth. The more you honor your truth, the greater your ability will be to truly serve your kids, family and society, from a place of fulfillment rather than exhaustion.

The small self tries to insist that we must be the ones that provide the emotional nurturance for our kids. Your empowered self, on the other hand, knows that true emotional nurturance comes from within each individual. Giving our children this internal understanding is a gift they will carry throughout their lifetime, as well as onto their own children.

To make this shift within yourself and your children, you must be willing to reclaim what has been considered weak, shameful, or even too sensitive, as one of your greatest strengths. In my new book F.E.E.L.: Turn Your Negative Feelings Into Your Greatest Allies, I show you how each of your emotions is present to serve and support you. With a list of over 65 negative feelings, I share with you both the small self version as well as your empowered self’s message that is unique to each specific feeling you experience. The result is you learn how to move from disempowerment to empowerment, from fear to love, and from stress to peace day by day, moment by moment, feeling by feeling so you can teach your children to do the same.

To obtain your copy (plus exclusive bonus gifts), go to www.feelthebook.info.

Michelle Bersell, M.A., M.Ed., is known as a visionary leader in emotional consciousness who challenges common thought and understanding regarding emotional well-being. Combining her training as a psychotherapist along with her perceptive insight, Michelle continues to lead thousands to a new level of accessing and celebrating their potential. 

Besides media attention in Women’s World magazine, Parents magazine and Fox Television, Michelle is featured in the upcoming film documentary The Secret 2 LUCK.  Her latest book F.E.E.L.: Turn Your Negative Feelings Into Your Greatest Allies is a featured gift of the 2012 Emmy Awards.  Michelle has also received national recognition as one of the “50 Great Authors You Should be Reading” for her first book Emotional Abundance: Become Empowered. Michelle currently lives in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with her loving husband, daughter and twin sons. 

Find out more about Michelle at: 

www.MichelleBersell.com

ICYMI

The first thing on my mind today is Finally. Rain.

I want to tell you how exciting the air smells right before a storm. How at the end of thunderous lightning and a pounding downpour, I can almost feel the day sighing, like a toddler spent from his tantrum.

Our lawns are equally, deeply green now. From those who closed their eyes to the pale straw-like blades that crunched beneath their children's bare feet to the ones who bit their lip at the sight of the dying turf when they'd pull into their driveways. Under the cover of darkness, they'd sneak in an extra sprinkling and a prayer before locking their doors for the night.

Rain was the great equalizer this week, and those whose lawns were once akin to hay feel redeemed in their faith that we'd all return to the verdancy of spring's end, and the ones who anxiously tended to their ailing, parched shoots feel relief at no longer having the sole responsibility of life heavily on their shoulders.

But talking about the weather means you've already run out of things to say, and I'm not there yet.

So let's talk about what was great this week, besides the rain:

In Case You Missed It: Things I loved on the internet: 

--Sadly, Neil Armstrong passed away this week. My Neil-loving children were heart broken, and this tribute here is one they watched many times this weekend. How can we not cry at the passing of this humble man who walked on the moon?, is how I'd express it. Though "ben" on this site, said it best: "Dude could land on a rock blindfolded with 10 secs of fuel left and not have a pulse rate above 50. What a ride."

--It's been brought back to life! While clothes shopping with my teens this week (post worthy, I assure you) I fell over from jumping up and down when aeropostale and american eagle had front-and-center mannequins dressed in THE DENIM SHIRT. The wild, wild west is back and since I never did get rid of the denim shirts I love, this is going to be the cheapest fashion season ever. And the one time I'm not late to the party.

--From The Happy Logophile, a post on remembering our manners when visiting other people's blogs. No one makes us click over, so let's keep in mind that we are visiting someone's virtual house. Wipe your feet and don't leave a mess behind.

--And from a very, very funny blog, Highly Irritable. Jeni writes of adventures in camping, somehow tossing in prison work-release programs and thong underwear, Campfire Stories. *dying*

Hoping you had a wonderful weekend.

xo

The Trinity Complex

We have three children, a boy who is ten, and two older boys: 15 and 17 years old. This past weekend, after the boys worked as hard as my husband with the mulch and the wheelbarrow and the spades and the rock moving outside, I knew it was time.

After a dinner of three hamburgers each, a gallon of lemonade, and two packages of Ore-Ida curly fries, I made up my mind. They were man enough. Definitely man enough. I turn to them at the table and ask in a low voice along with a direct unwavering gaze,

You guys ever hear of a movie, Matrix?

Yeah, they say, I think so.

Know anything about it?

It's in the future or the past, or the future that looks like the past. Like Steam Punk. Robots take over and it's all grey and dirty like industrial London.

Well, it's my favorite movie of all time, and tonight, my children, we are going to see it.

I walk to the living room, I silently kneel in front of the shelf where we keep John Gray's Children Are From Heaven and William Bennett's The Book of Virtues. I reach behind and pull out the DVD of the greatest kick ass movie of all time.

I can barely talk when I think of that movie.

When I saw it for the first time, I dreamed, for days, that I was Trinity. I have made it through the toughest situations in my life by being Trinity. The leather bracelet around my wrist is stamped WWTD.

When Matrix hit the theaters in 1999, my poor husband had to endure my round house kicks to his butt and karate chops to his throat as I roamed around our house, hiding behind corners, in black wrap-around Neo sunglasses and a duster coat. If I could have squeezed my pregnant body into liquid latex back then, I would have.

If you have no idea who Trinity is, or who I'm talking about, well, I don't want to stop being your friend over it or anything, but still ... Just. Watch. Her:



The only thing wrong with that clip is that it needs to be about eight times longer.

With the DVD in my hand, I take a deep breath. There is no tip-toeing to the edge of the cliff with this movie. Seeing Matrix is a full blast all engines wide open leap and no going back.

Get ready, boys.

Yeah, whatever mom.

Silence. For the entire length of the movie. (yup) Afterward, fully satisfied, I turn to my offspring, hopeful -- looking at those faces that are so much like mine it makes me ache to share everything with them. Every time.

Well? I ask. Best damn movie or what?

And as if out of some picture perfect world where all dreams come true, my boys jump up, grab black sunglasses and my husband's rain coat and start beautifully spin kicking the air and trying for somersaults.

If there was ever any doubt before, there no longer is now: I lead a charmed life.

_____________________________________________

**Can't get enough of my parenting style? Follow my weekly parenting column, at milwaukeemoms.com