Deck The Balls

Who woulda thunk that the band with the most Christmas songs on my iPod was Korn. Go figure. Recorded during the 1994 Korn sessions, this unusual take on a traditional carol is no where nearly as funny as the band probably thinks it is nor as heavy as you hope it will be. I don't know who at Immortal thought this 12" single was a good idea (released 20 years ago this month!) - my best guess is someone was trying to repeat what the band managed to pull off with "Shoots And Ladders." Epic fail. Anyways, most of the song (the record offers clean and "Blatant FCC Violation" versions) features an inexplicably emotive Jonathan Davis sulking through a parody of "The Night Before Christmas" (dude, it's a holiday story, not fucking "Kill You"). Be forewarned, the lyrics are awful. Groan-inducing terrible, even for way back in '94. The tune wraps up with a quick 30 seconds of "Twist"-esque jabber over a somewhat heavier, albeit obviously freestyled outro. It sounds like the band is just phoning it in on this one, but still good for a dry smile as you spike the egg nog tomorrow. Enjoy.

Reefer And Beer...

Laughing As People Die

Recorded in 1991, the debut cassette from these Bakersfield, CA funkers is way more akin to the shit Excel (Venice) or Limbomaniacs (San Francisco) were doing at the time than what the band eventually mutated into (especially Excel - this album is absolutely on par with Seeking Refuge). For those who've been under a rock since then, soon after Who's Laughing Now dropped, L.A.P.D. found a fresh new producer in a guy named Ross Robinson who was looking for something way heavier and harder... at the same time L.A.P.D. shitcanned their singer and hired local vocalist Jonathan Davis who sang for the quasi-heavi industrio band Sexart. Interestingly, it was Sexart's pissy sound the guys embraced and the rest is nü metal history. Yes... I'm talkin' about KORN retards! Still, the funky fun of L.A.P.D. is not lost on the ages - though it's interesting to now watch some of Korn's early documentaries (specifically Who Then Now?) and see Fieldy wax historically on his multiplatinum band when in actuality he's totally talking about L.A.P.D. coming together. Still, this record has its moments, lead vocalist Rick Morrill is no Davis but he sounds like a solid southern Cali thrasher (and even like Tony Chaba here and there - check "Don't Label Me"). The band rocks through the songs - Munky is a way better guitarist then listening to Korn would ever have you believe and there are moments they almost sound like a proto-Vision Of Disorder ("Excuse Me"). I'm not going to give them that much credit so just sit back and enjoy...

Proto Korn

Ex-Faith

I'd be curious what most Faith No More fans out there think of the Chuck Mosley years. Like pretty much everyone, I didn't pick up Introduce Yourself and We Care A Lot until after I got a hook in the mouth from Mike Patton and the epic that was "Epic." First thing to notice upon listening to their "lost" first albums wasn't the familiar-ish music but who the fuck was singing? If you could call it singing, it was this weird off-key drunken sort of rap/caterwaul, completely undefinable. Painful at times. Yet this was the time that if you plunked down $13 of your hard-earned dollars for CD (or cassette as in the case of We Care A Lot) you fucking listened to it. A lot. And so I did and over the months between Real Thing and Angel Dust I really became a fan of original vocalist Chuck Mosley's version of FNM. Some of his songs ("The Crab Song", "As The Worm Turns" and "Mark Bowen" especially) are as much classics as anything from the Patton years. Unfortunately Chuck had a rough couple years after his stint (and ugly parting) with FNM - it took until the end of the millennium for him and his new band VUA (Vanduls Ugents Alliderasy) to get an album recorded, only to have it promptly dropped by the engineer and shelved for a decade. Fast forward to 2009, thanks to the internet and all that hi-tech computer shit - Will Rap Over Hard Rock For Food was finally released. It's a surprisingly cool album with guest appearances from Jonathan Davis and Roddy Bottum (in a fucking amazing nü metal retread of "We Care A Lot" that you simply have to hear) and Chuck sounding exactly like his bad self in 1987. There are enough styles on this album to please any genre afficionado, there are flavors of Ween, Toadies and even fucking Limp Bizkit. Check his shit out here, spend some money and get one of his dreadlocks. Enjoy and welcome back Mr. Mosley.

What the FUCK Chuck?

Jingle Balls

Ah, 1999, what an epic year for nü metal and my drug habits. Korn, riding high on their muti-platinum Life Is Peachy released this little single right in time for the holiday season. A couple remixes and live tracks as well as a unreleased gem full of all the local Bakersfield holiday spirit you can stand. If you (still) love Korn - it will absolutely raise a dry smile. If you hate Korn and everything they contributed to/took from heavy music it will absolutely ruin your holiday season and justify every reason you hate them. And then you can go check out their Christmas Song and kill yourself. Cheers!

P.S. If anyone out there gives a shit, I apologize about the lack of posts lately; been tied up since the holiday rollercoaster started back in November. Don't worry, I plan to be back in full swing come 2014!!!

Happy Nü Year