Jonah Hex #37 "Stonewall!"

Jonah Hex #37 June 1980
"Stonewall!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Dick Ayers & Danny Bulandi, art - Luis Dominguez, cover

Jonah Hex is standing, hat in hand, head bowed, before a large tombstone. Nearby, an old cemetery groundskeeper and his grandson look on. The young boy asks if that is really Jonah Hex. The groundskeeper affirms that it is and that Jonah stops by whenever he is in the area. The youngster asks who is buried there and the grandfather's reply is that it is the grave of "Stonewall" Jackson.

The old man tells the story of what a great general Stonewall was and how Hex was a good fighter in his own right, just being a lieutenant. Once, when Hex was on a scouting mission, he saw a Confederate being chased by five Union soldiers. The Confederate is shot off of his horse and then Jonah intervenes, hitting one Union soldier in the chest and another in the head. He continues to fire at the three remaining Union soldiers when his horse takes a tumble down the hillside and Jonah ends up on the ground in the open. He squeezes off three shots, killing the rest of the Unions troops.

The injured Confederate soldier comes forth to thank Jonah and introduces himself as General Stonewall Jackson. Stonewall invites Jonah back to camp where he outlines his mission. Stonewall has been ordered to take the Federal armory at Harper's Ferry (placing this part of the story in Sept. of 1862). Stonewall needs a man who can singlehandedly dynamite the bridge over the Potomac. Stonewall has heard that Jonah spent time with the Apache, so could he navigate a canoe?

Jonah takes on the mission and soon finds himself on a canoe traveling down some hellish rapids. Of course, this being a Jonah Hex comic and the financial straits that the Confederacy was suffering at the time, Jonah's canoe paddle breaks. Since the Confederacy was suffering all of those financial cutbacks, their map makers (low-paid that they were) didn't bother showing little extras on the map. Things like.....waterfalls.

Jonah survives the falls, retrieves his backpack, and continues on to the bridge. Once at the bridge, he pulls out some dynamite, tied it to the bridge and then lights it. I was completely unaware that the South had waterproof explosives and matches back in 1862!

Jonah is discovered by a Union patrol but he manages to knife one of them and blow up the rest when the bridge explodes. Jonah reports back to Stonewall where he is thanked for a job well done and then returns to his cavalry unit.

Seven months later, Stonewall Jackson is engaged at Chancellorsville where he is routing the Union forces. Night falls and Stonewall and his men get lost. Several miles away, Jonah Hex and his men are holding a position, on the lookout for Union forces that are attempting to flee Chancellorsville. In the darkness they see several riders approaching. Jonah has told his men to hold their fire until he shoots. Jonah takes the first shot, striking General Stonewall Jackson.

Back to present day, the groundskeeper explains to his grandson that Jonah Hex is the man responsible for the death of Stonewall Jackson. We see Jonah mount his horse and then ride off.

Statistics for this issue
Men killed by Jonah- 6 Unions soldiers shot, 1 stabbed, 1 blown up & Stonewall Jackson for a total of 9
Running Total - 270
Jonah's Injuries - Dumped over a waterfall, but that doesn't ever hurt Jonah.
Timeline - We have no idea when the opening takes place except that it is after 1866. It is probably during one of Jonah's trips to Virginia, encountering Quentin Turnbull. The flashback takes place in 1862 & 1863.

All in all, the story isn't bad, but there isn't much there. Jonah shoots some Union soldiers, goes over a waterfall, saves the day, and loses the war for the South. It is nice to see Jonah pre 1866, history is always nice to have on a character. Of course, there is no explanation of how Jonah rejoined the Confederacy after the Fort Charlotte Massacre.

Next Issue - A dying Indian's plea, an ancient map, a blind prospector and Jonah takes his shirt off!

Jonah Hex #9 "The Carlota Conspiracy!"

Jonah Hex #9 Feb 1978
"The Carlota Conspiracy!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Ernie Chan & Danny Bulandi, art - Bernie Wrightson, cover

It's about time we get back to "Jonah Hex, Wanted Man!!" Our story starts off with a shirtless (& pantsless) Jonah bathing in a watering hole in South Texas. A Mexican youth grabs all of Jonah's clothes and guns, jumps on a horse & rides off. Jonah jumps out of the water, naked as a jaybird (one without feathers), grabs some spare jeans from his bedroll, jumps on his horse & gives chase. Determined to retrieve his Peacemakers, he follows the youth across the Rio Grande into Mexico. He corners the thief in a box canyon, lassos the punk and then proceeds to slap the living tar out of the thief. It is then we learn that the thief is a woman!

We hear some laughter and Jonah looks up to find himself surrounded by the Mexican army, lead by Col. Sanchez. Sanchez explains that he sent Estrellita to Texas to lure Jonah into Mexico so that Sanchez could offer Jonah a job. The president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz (placing this story in 1876 or early 1877), is offering Jonah 100,000 pesos to complete a mission for him. If Jonah refuses, then the Mexican army will kill him where he stands and collect the $10,000 reward on Jonah's head.

Jonah decides to listen to the job offer. A flashback ensues. From 1864 to 1867, Mexico was ruled by the Austrian archduke Maximilian and his wife Carlota, having been installed as Emproer of Mexico by Napoleon III. It seems that during their reign, Carlota engineered the looting of the Mexican treasury and had the gold bullion moved from Mexico City to a secret cave near Vera Cruz. Carlota's personal bodyguards murdered all the army troops that were involved in the transport of the gold and had planned on eventually moving all the gold to Europe. Before she could get it moved, Benito Juarez overthrew Maximilian and had him executed. Carlota fled to Europe and eventually went insane from the grief.

For eight years (again, placing this story in 1876/77) the treasure was lost until a peasant stubled upon it in the cave. The Mexican government was notified and the army moved the treasure to a fort a few kilometers from the cave. Diaz is ready to move the treasure back to Mexico City but he knows that every bandit in the country will be after the treasure. He wants Hex to guard the treasure along with the president's personal honor guards that have accompanied Sanchez. Sanchez gives Hex a letter from the president, bearing his personal seal, authorizing the commadant of the fort to turn the treasure over to Hex. Sanchez tells Jonah that Hex can stay in a nearby town to eat & get some rest before they head out after sundown.

Jonah rides into Punta Del Rojo and checks in at the local hotel. When he walks into his room he notices a parrot feather on the floor. As Jonah turns quickly he is shot by El Papagayo. Jonah falls to the floor. One of Papagayo's lackeys runs over and says that Papagayo missed Hex, he only grazed Jonah's head and knocked him out. Papagayo says that he never misses. He is the world's greatest gunman and then he shoots the lackey right between the eyes, proving that he grazed Hex on purpose. Jonah awakens shortly and Papagayo tells Jonah that his feeling are hurt. Jonah, who is his good friend, comes into Mexico without telling Papagayo, but Papagayo has learned that Jonah is in Mexico because Estrellita (sporting a special Helium filled bra, designed by Howard Hughes) ,

who Papagayo has planted among the Mexican army, has told him about Jonah. Papagayo says that now he will kill Jonah slowly and painfully, that he has been lying awake for eight months plotting how he will kill Jonah.

Papagayo and his men lead Jonah outside of town, strip his shirt, boots & guns and tie him spread-eagle on an ant mound. Papagayo and his men ride off, leaving Jonah to be eaten by the ants and with fat Pablo also left behind to guard over Jonah, to be sure that he doesn't get away. Jonah is left in the sun for hours and Pablo is sitting nearby drinking from a canteen. Jonah asks for some water, but Pablo says that he is supposed to stay away from Jonah, because Jonah is very tricky. Jonah tells Pablo that Papagayo is the tricky one, leaving Pablo behind so the entire gang can ride into town and pay a call on Pablo's mamma, who everyone knows is the biggest tramp in the country.

Pablo, needless to say, gets very angry, pulls a knife, and jumps on top of Jonah. Then, in the third most bizarre thing I have ever seen in a Hex comic, Jonah grabs Pablo's crucifix in his teeth and manages to somehow strangle the holy living crap out of Pablo. Pablo cuts one of Jonah's hands free and Jonah punches Pablo off of him. Pablo starts to pull a pistol, but Jonah grabs the dropped knife and throws it right into Pablo's heart.

Jonah manages to free himself, grab his gear and get on his horse to get to Vera Cruz. As he rides off, we see Papagayo watching the entire thing and one of Papagayo's riflemen drawing a bead on Jonah's back.

Statistics for this issue
Men killed by Hex: one, Pablo. Who, as stupid as he was, should have been dead years ago.

Running Total - 141
Jonah's injuries: Bullet grazing his head, gnawed on by ants.
Timeline: This one takes place 8 months after Jonah Hex #2 and seems to be placed in 1876/77 timeframe. This will cause a very big problem later on in the timeline when we are constantly reminded that Jonah vanished in 1875. I wish Fleisher would have learned to take notes & work a calendar.

The high point of the story was Papagayo, a villian that will kill his own men at the drop of a hat. Finding guys to work for you under these conditions must be like recruiting Klingons, each one thinks that they are smart enough to outwit the leader. Pablo and the whole tied-to-the-ant-hill death was just stupid and really wrecked the rest of the story for me. It was like Fleisher needed to make this a two part story but didn't have enough going to actually keep it interesting. And the second half is by far the more superior part of the story.

Final shirtless:shirt panel ratio? 4:1.6

Next Issue: Gold pistols, Dynamite, the bridge from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", and more violence than you can shake a gold brick at. + Jose Luis Garcia Lopez