Salesmen of Yesterday!! Danny Rogers

 

Good ole' Danny Rogers, convincing everyone to buy his seeds because he ain't one to go around spreading his seed for free!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Tom DeLaney

Transcript from the World Climatology Research Facility:
Please be advised that our earlier warnings about Global Cooling becoming permanent is no longer in effect. It was discovered that the DeLaney family of Pennsylvania had failed to sell any American Seeds, thus delaying the start of Spring. Once this was discovered, Special Agent was dispatched to purchase some begonia seeds and Spring suddenly arrived.
Tomorrow we will be providing updates regarding that stupid groundhog and his impact on Global Cooling.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Michael Donnelly

Hear that America? Rather than waiting for the Federal Government to print more money & then toss some of your own hard earned tax dollars back at you (or worse yet, someone ELSE'S tax dollars) you can hit the bricks and sell American Seeds.

That's what all the hep cats in New Jersey do. WORD!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Chipper Luschenat

"Good Lord, Martha!! It's that horrible Luschenat brat trying to sell us some more of that crap of his!"

"Don't answer the door, George! Remember how he tried to sell us that Mammal-flavored Jelly of the Month Club?"

"Urrf. Don't remind me. Or how about those tickets to the Of Mice and Men opera? "

"How about the time he was peddling New Coke?"

"That wasn't nearly as bad as when he was selling the Sham-Wow?"

"But you have to admit, he's not nearly as bad as that Gore kid that continually keeps trying to get us to buy into that whole 'carbon-offset' crapola"

"Well, he did have a good slide show to go with it."

"GEORGE!!!"

".......I like slide-shows"

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Andy Maisel

..unless, of course, you start sitting around on your fat posterior, playing Halo or WoW. In that case, you had better hope that grinding hogs and mining gold pays off better than hitting the bricks and selling American Seeds!!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Eric Ritzenthaler

There, Eric Ritzenthaler has easily explained Capitalism in one sentence. Of course, it would have been pretty sad if he had gotten the prize of someone else's choice, which he didn't want, but let's not postulate what would happen if the Federal Government took over American Seed.

hmmmmm, maybe...... nah, it's just TOOO crazy!!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Kevin Jones

Wow, I'm glad he cleared up that E.S.P. thing by defining it. For a moment I thought that these seeds had been bred with Uri Geller or something really freaky-Ka-Jeeky like that. Brrrr, gives me chills just thinking about that.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Thomas Welch

You may scoff at the $6.00 that Thomas Welch earned, but in changing those 1966 dollars into today's currency would net him a little over $37. But sadly, it's not enough to pay for that reconstructive surgery that poor Thomas needs to rebuild his jawline.

Won't someone think of the children?!?!?

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Cindy Mayr

"Money does not grow on trees but money sure does by selling American Seeds." ?!?!?! Money sure does WHAT?? by selling American Seeds? I think that we may need to run this quote through a Trans-Bizarro-nator to get a proper translation.

"Money am not dying on trees but money sure am not when stealing Foreign Bulbs"

There, that's better.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Thomas Brophy

Years later, young master Brophy would be involved in Beanie Babies, Furbys, various Elmo incarnations, and Enron. He is currently doing 15-20 in a federal penal facility.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Patty Korlin

If this doesn't sound like some protection racket, I don't know what does.

Knock Knock.
Door opens
"Don Karlin, I didn't expect you so early this month!"
"It would be a bad thing if the May flowers didn't show up for your April showers, if ya get my drift."
"Of course, of course, I'll 'buy' all your seeds. Here, is that enough?"
"It coitinly is. Now I shall be able to win that wonderful pony. Thanks, and I'll be back...next month."

Hmm, wonder if this would work today?

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Lavra Albrecht!!

Lavra Albrecht learned early that customers wanted repeatable, reliable quality, but I wonder how many years Lavra actually sold seeds for American Seeds? I also wonder why she scrunched down in photo booths?

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Sue Pfankuch

Sue wanted to so badly to be liked by the other kids, but she was always afraid to ask if they wanted to play. Quite often she was laughed at and shunned because of her shy awkward ways.

Once she found American Seeds, she found a new sense of courage. No longer would she ask people for anything (even though her pleading eyes literally begged the money from the purses of the old ladies in town). Eventually she sold enough seeds to get the "complete archery set" and she was able to have her vengeance on the popular girls that always laughed at her.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Dan Russell

In today's economy, I can see a lot of people turning to the hefty profits that American Seeds paid out. I mean, heck, you don't have to be an expert. ANYBODY can sell these things and earn a pony. Even Dan Russell.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Gloria Forsythe

I wonder if Gloria took the easy way out her entire life? She probably blew all of her hard earned American Seed dollars on the lottery and wound up being married to some huge sugar-daddy.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! David Petersen

Hmmm, I'm not sure of this testimony. "One sold over five hundred packs and earned a bicycle."? Sounds like old David was an early member of some sort of 1970 collective. Maybe they should have gotten 7 of 9 as a spokesperson. YeeeeoW!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Joel Ballenger

Ya know, the spacing on this testimony wonders if it went like this:
" I sell American Seeds.......................................................................................every year."
I wonder what year Joel finally quite selling?

Salesmen of Yesterday!! William Wright

Obviously this guy is now in middle management in a very large corporation and all of his underlings hate his guts.

Salesmen of Yesterday!! La-Veda Jones

La-Veda Jones from New Mexico

American Seeds, who COULDN'T sell them?

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Mary Zimmerman

Mary Zimmerman from Wisconsin

I managed to track down Mary in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. It was fairly easy to track her down since she is living in the town she grew up in and, oddly enough, even though she is married she still has the same name.

Matching Dragoons: So, first off, Mary, what's with keeping your maiden name?
Mary Zimmerman: Well I didn't, I married a man that has the same last name as me.
MD: Uh... I have to ask. Is he any relation?
MZ: Nooooo, well, he wasn't before we married.
MD: Ok, I just wanted to check. So you met your husband...
MZ: Mary
MD: What?
MZ: His name is Mary.
MD: Wait, you, Mary Zimmerman, married a man named Mary Zimmerman?
MZ: Yes
MD: That's just too weird, but anyway, about your selling for the American Seed company you were quoted as saying, "It's an easy way to get money and prizes." What prizes did you earn?
MZ: That was a long time ago, but I think I got a record player, a camping tent, a Barbie, and a makeup mirror.
MD: Wow! You were quite the salesgirl!
MZ: And a sleeping bag, an air rifle, and a pony
MD: A PONY!?!? You actually got a pony?
MZ: I was the first person to actually sell enough to earn a pony. I was also the first person to earn a car.
MD: A CAR!?!?! My gosh Mary, how many packets of seeds did you sell?
MZ: I'm not sure, I think it was around half a million or so.
MD: I'm not even gonna ask how you managed that. So what do you do for a living now?
MZ: I'm a writer.
MD: Really? Do you write much?
MZ: Oh, tons. You may have read some of it. How about this "CanadianPharmacy will satisfy all you pharmaceutical needs."
MD: You're a spammer?
MZ: I call it viral marketing expert.
MD: Well, I won't say that I'm surprised.
MZ: Could you give me your email, I may remember more about working for American Seed.
MD: Oh, that's ok. I think I have all I need.