Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)

Directed by John Hyams

Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme ("Luc Deveraux"), Dolph Lundgren ("Andrew Scott"), Andrei Arlovski ("NGU"), and Mike Pyle ("Captain Kevin Burke")

Rated R

REGENERATION is the third film in the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER series (excluding those two made-for-TV movies), but it was the fourth film, DAY OF RECKONING, that served as my first experience with not only the series but with director John Hyams, who really impressed me with what he brough to the table in terms of how he could shoot action scenes. While this movie, ultimately, didn't do much in the way of explaining the weirdness of DAY OF RECKONING, the opening minutes alone made me hungry for more Hyams. The man knows how to film violence. My God, what a fucking opening. It's like being dropped into a warzone.

The teenage children of Ukraine's Prime Minister are kidnapped by masked terrorists in a hale of gunfire. Turns out the terrorists want their people freed from prison, so they use both the Prime Minister's children and the threat of Nuclear warfare is leverage. In other words, there's not much room for negotiation. And this is where the titular Universal Soldiers come into play. The Universal Soldier program that was established in the previous films was apparently suspended years earlier when problems arose, but a bunch of lab geeks and military officials kept the program alive and preserved a small group of Soldiers. The Universal Soldiers here are portrayed in a way that sort of combines the Nazi idea of creating super-soldiers with the hardcore, militant training of Russian soldiers. In other words, there's a hint of ulterior motives and bad intentions.

Working for the terrorists, however, is their very own Universal Soldier - an advanced, rogue model (played by MMA fighter Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski) who is basically the soldier to end all soldiers. The ultimate killing machine. The terrorists hole up at the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant, and, like a guard dog that has machine guns strapped to it, the "evil" Universal Soldier, NGU, singlehandedly guards the makeshift base and occasionally pops out of the shadows to murder large amounts of people without breaking a sweat. Returning are the original Universal Soldiers, Luc Devaraux and Andrew Scott. Luc is now part of what is basically a rehabilitation program, and Andrew is the Ace up the sleeve of the film's corrupt scientist. Without getting into details, all of their paths eventually cross at some point, leading to tons of choreographed fight scenes and action set-pieces. Violence, violence, violence.

One of the more interesting elements of the film is the character of Luc. He's being rehabilitated and essentially trained to be more of a human, but his killer instincts remain. He's like a dog that can turn on its owner at any moment. There are also some noteworthy parallels between actor Jean-Claude Van Damme and his character. There's an undeniable theme of "out with the old, in with the new" present in not only the content of the film but in the subtext as well, and Luc is representative of the "old" in the same way that Van Damme is considered an Action star of the past. They're both old and basically washed-up, but they still have the skills to pay the bills, and it's only a matter of being able to tap into it.

What director Hyams and the screenwriters of the film did with the whole Universal Soldier... uh, "universe" in REGENERATION is pretty interesting. They brilliantly took an established product and re-packaged it in a way that makes sense and gives it some teeth rather than re-hashing the same old shit. Not only is it clear from the casting of an MMA fighter in an important role, but from the choreography of the fights as well (submission moves galore), that there are fans of combat sports behind the scenes, and REGENERATION undeniably caters to that demographic, but there's a great balance here between the MMA mentality and just straightforward, old-school Action. It's a successful clashing of worlds, and the results are pretty fucking good.

Overall, REGENERATION is an incredibly satisfying Action film. Great character psychology, awesome fight choreography, a ridiculously high body count, an old-school Action movie mentality with modern-day resources, and many great action set-pieces as opposed to only like two or three big ones spread throughout the film. Of course most films need to take a break from the action and the violence in order to tell a story, which is understandable, but REGENERATION tells a story while people are getting their asses beaten or shot. Oh, and there's an amazing headsplosion too.

Make or Break: The opening set-piece.

MVT: John Hyams

Score: 7.5/10

Check out my review of UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING HERE

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Directed by Andy Sidaris

Starring Ronn Moss ("Rowdy Abilene"), Dona Speir ("Donna Hamilton"), Hope Marie Carlton ("Taryn"), and Harold Diamond ("Jade").

I always feel inclined to watch movies with "Hawaii" in the title. Couldn't tell you why, though. Perhaps it may have to do with the fact that I might have lived there at some point in my life. It's always amusing to see somewhere (or something) you're familiar with through the eyes of someone else, and even more so when they're the eyes of B-movie filmmaker Andy Sidaris.

For those not well-versed in the films of the late, great Andy Sidaris, let's take it back a decade or two before he burst onto the scene. For me, it all goes back to Russ Meyer, who is still considered to be the king of Sexploitation movies. His films catered to a certain audience made up of people who enjoy large-breasted women and politically incorrect humor. By the time Andy Sidaris came on the scene in the 80's, Meyer's heyday had already passed, and Sidaris sort of picked up the torch and subsequently specialized in films that catered once again to audiences who enjoyed well-endowed women whose assets were being shamelessly exploited. The only difference is, Sidaris threw guns and explosions into the mix. If you were around and old enough to watch movies late at night on Cinemax back in the 90's, there's a good chance you may have seen one of Sidaris's movies. If images of oiled-up WCW wrestler Buff Bagwell in a Native American head-dress and warpaint are somehow etched in your memory and you don't know how they got there, you can blame Andy Sidaris for that.

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII, as you may have guessed, takes place in the good ol' "Aloha State", and it revolves around an illegal drug operation, a mirrored-Raybans-wearing henchman who's easily distracted by frisbees, two ass-kicking blonde pieces of eye-candy who look like extras from a Motley Crüe video, a couple of musclebound drug enforcers, and a "contaminated" killer snake. Still with me? There's also bazookas (literally and figuratively), a skateboarding assassin, shameless promotion of other Andy Sidaris films, and an abundance of obligatory nudity. And yes, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII is as cool as it sounds. I could probably just end this review right here, but I'll keep going.

Running down the plot for a movie like this is pointless, because there's clearly an emphasis on boobs and action here rather than plot, but, for what it's worth, there actually is a simple and coherent story underneath all of the excess. Essentially, though, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII is a highlight reel of softcore sex, bad acting, and over-the-top death scenes that look like they belong in a slasher movie. Among said highlights are:

-- The two aforementioned blonde women (Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton) get attacked by henchmen, only for one of them to produce ninja stars out of her boot and the other to somehow come into the possession of nunchucks, which she just throws at her attacker instead of properly using. After this ordeal, they naturally hit up a jacuzzi and get topless. This confusing but awesome behavior continues throughout the duration of the film. Watching these characters get into various predicaments is pure joy and hilarity.


-- Hands down one of the greatest and most bizarre death-by-bazookas I've ever seen. The unfortunate person on the other end of the bazooka is hit by a Jeep while skateboarding (and carrying a blow-up doll for some reason), launched into the air, and blasted with a bazooka while in mid-air by the driver of the Jeep who has enough time to stop and produce said bazooka. As an added bonus, the guy with the bazooka also decides to blow the shit out of the blow-up doll while it's still in mid-air as well.

-- A frisbee death scene that simply must be seen to be believed. Mere words can't describe the awesomeness of this moment in the film.

-- Dirtbikes, questionable fashion choices, and Harold Diamond.

I think that about sums it up.

Make or Break: The bazooka massacre sequence that I mentioned earlier. Not only the best moment of the film, but one of the best moments in 80's Action cinema period in my opinion.

MVT: I'd like to give it to the duo of Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton (hardy har har), but Andy Sidaris is the mastermind behind this film, so it would only make sense if he was MVT.

Score: 6.75/10

I know, after how much I've praised the movie and made it sound like the greatest thing ever, I only gave it a 6.75? While HARD TICKET TO HAWAII does deliver the goods, there's just not enough here to make it a "classic", and it's a little too similar to other Andy Sidaris films that were produced around the same time with a bunch of the same cast members for it to stand out considerably in the context of Andy's filmography. A legitimate complaint I have about this movie, though, is that it just sort of fizzles out by the end instead of going out with a bang. Worth seeking out if this sounds like you're kinda thing, and a good starting point if you're looking to get into the films of The Sidaris.

Cinema de Bizarre Review of the Week: Brothers Till We Die (1978)

Directed by Umberto Lenzi

Starring Tomas Milian ("Vincenzo Marazzi", "Sergio Marazzi"), Pino Colizzi ("Commissario Sarti"), Isa Danieli ("Maria"), and Guido Leontini ("Mario Di Gennaro")

Running time: 01:35:22
Country: Italy

While he's gone on to work with the likes of Steven Soderbergh and Steven Spielberg to name a few, Cuban actor Tomas Milian is mostly remembered 'round these here parts for his performances in a number of Italian Eurocrime films from the 70's and for bringing an unparalleled amount of energy, charisma, and charm to his roles. Even when he's playing murderers and rapists, you can't help but be drawn to the guy. So you can imagine BROTHERS TILL WE DIE being quite an easy sell for fans of his seeing as Milian plays not one but two characters, and brothers no less. Not only that, but one of the brothers is a hunchback and the other is a dim-witted moron who eats cigarettes. How can this not be gold?

BROTHERS TILL WE DIE is a bit of a spoof of the Eurocrime films that were popular at the time, which certainly makes it an interesting oddity of Italian genre cinema. As I already mentioned, Milian plays unidentical twin brothers, Vincenzo and Sergio, who are respectively referred to as "Humpo" and "Piggy" throughout the film. Vincenzo, who shows up out of the blue and reunites with Sergio after being in hiding for a few years (either that or he was in prison), is a hunchback (hence the nickname "Humpo"), which is sort of ironic considering he's the more handsome and intelligent of the brothers. On the other hand, you have Sergio, a greasy mechanic who rocks a really bad-looking afro/perm and acts rather bufoonish. Sergio is always covered in dirt and grease, which earned him the nickname Pig Sty ("Piggy" for short). The way they contrast each other is interesting, in that you'd get a fairly normal human being if you combined the two. Something obviously went wrong when their mother's eggs were being fertilized.


It's revealed early on that Vincenzo is a thief, which would explain why he's been out of sight and out of mind for the last few years leading up to when the movie takes place. Vincenzo is itching for another score despite the cops watching him like a hawk, so he recruits a team of criminals who eventually betray him when they finally pull off the heist (this takes place in the first act of the movie, so it's not a spoiler). Thinking they shot him in the midst of the pandemonium, the group of criminals leave Vincenzo for dead. Little do they know, the hunchback sneaked out the proverbial back door, only to hide out with a hooker and plan his revenge, which he exacts throughout the remainder of the film while Sergio acts like an idiot and gets into his own little adventures in psychiatric hospitals and whatnot.

BROTHERS TILL WE DIE sounds too good to be true, what with Milian playing dual roles and whatnot. I'm happy to report that this film actually delivers the goods. Most importantly, it's funny - VERY funny. Aside from that, you also get bad wigs, the obligatory Eurocrime Fiat chase, montages of people getting arrested, a funky and genuinely solid musical score, lots of J&B-drinking, and a hunchback thief for fuck's sake. It's also refreshing, in that it's a film that can still fall into the Eurocrime genre, but it's a Eurocrime film that was made purely for entertainment and laughs rather than having some sort of political or social message. Another interesting aspect of the film is that it actually portrays the police in sort of a positive light and capable of their jobs rather than being corrupt or just flawed characters in general. BROTHERS TILL WE DIE is obviously not a film that's gonna turn people on to Eurocrime, but it's an interesting little gem that people who are already fans of the genre can seek out, and it's also a movie that people who aren't necessarily fans of the genre can watch and get some enjoyment out of. The film has its issues (Vincenzo's monologue in a nightclub, for example, is pretty brutal, and there are parts of the film that drag), but it's a fun movie that delivers the laughs for the most part. Also, drink every time someone says "Humpo".


Make or Break: The psych ward scenes involving Sergio are absolutely hilarious and easily the highlights of the film for me.

MVT: Tomas Milian. It can't not be Milian. This is obviously not a film that he'll be remembered for when it's all said and done and Milian hangs them up, but it's a fine showcase of his charisma and comedic abilities. This would make for an interesting double feature with ALMOST HUMAN, which was also directed by Umberto Lenzi and features Milian in a more serious performance as one of the most ruthless antagonists in a Eurocrime movie ever. They also worked together on SYNDICATE SADISTS, which I haven't seen yet.

Score: 7.25/10

The Disc: 2.35:1 aspect ratio, anamorphic widescreen, English dubbing with no subtitles. Picture quality isn't as sharp as, say, a Eurocrime film remastered by Blue Underground or something, but it's still pretty decent. Not sure where it originated from, but what I can say is that this is a DVD rip from a source outside of North America, as this film has never been available in the US and Canada on DVD that I'm aware of. That being said, this is a good quality, hard-to-find Italian genre flick available at a great price. The sound quality is good as well.

Links:
Cinema de Bizarre
BROTHERS TILL WE DIE on Cinema de Bizarre

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Cinema de Bizarre Review of the Week: Nest of Vipers/Night of the Serpent (1969)

Directed by Giulio Petroni

Starring Luke Askew ("Luke"), Luigi Pistilli ("Lieutenant Hernandez"), Magda Konopka, and Chelo Alonso

Running time: 01:41:02
Country: Italy

Admittedly, I've only seen one other film by director Giulio Petroni prior to watching this, but it was a great one nonetheless. That film was the excellent DEATH RIDES A HORSE, which is easily one of my favorite Spaghetti Westerns. Petroni only has a little over a dozen directorial credits to his filmography, most of which are pretty obscure. It seems he dabbled in various genres, but I think it's safe to say - based on the research I've done on him - that he'll be remembered for his Westerns. While not as good as the DEATH RIDES A HORSE, which featured John Phillip Law as a man driven to avenge the death of his family, NIGHT OF THE SERPENT is still pretty good and hits a lot of the same beats as DEATH RIDES.

American actor Luke Askew, whose character in the film is also named "Luke", plays an alcoholic and the sole Gringo amidst a group of Mexicans who mistreat and abuse him. For a number of reasons that I'll eventually touch on in this review, I had a hard time figuring out exactly what Luke's status was and why he was this out-of-place blonde-haired American who seemed to co-exist with a bunch of loudmouthed Mexicans. I assumed he had nowhere to go and he was simply doing what he had to do to survive and earn enough money (or tequila) to get by and live his miserable life. Whatever the case, Luke is hired by a corrupt Federale, Lieutenant Hernandez, to basically be the sacrificial lamb in a plot to kill someone and gain their inheritance money, but when Luke realizes he was sent to kill a child, he kicks the booze and essentially gets his groove back so that he can protect the kid.

I don't know if it was the script or the lackluster audio quality of the copy I watched, but I found it difficult to keep track of what was going on at times and make sense of everything. Had I known that the film would reveal certain clues about the plot as the film progressed, I wouldn't have gone back and watched the same couple of scenes six or seven times to see if I missed anything. The whole inheritance thing in particular was a bit confusing because of how Lt. Hernandez orchestrated it. Basically, he was able to blackmail a couple of people who accidentally killed a telegraphist who was sent from out of town to deliver a message regarding the boy's inheritance. Hernandez finds out about this and swiftly gathers the two men responsible for the telegraphist's death, but then there are two other people involved who, initially, didn't seem to have anything to do with the murder. It's then revealed that they're all entitled to the boy's inheritance since they're apparently his relatives, but even by the time the movie was over it still didn't make much sense.

Even though the quality of the print that was presented here wasn't exactly great, you could still see a really bad makeup job on one of the actors. In certain Westerns, actors' faces were basically painted brown to give them the appearance of a Mexican who had been out in the sun for way too long, and most films do a good enough job of making it look as subtle as possible, but in this film there's an actor who's obviously wearing a distracting and unnatural shade of brown makeup that stands out compared to the rest of his body's complexion. I can only imagine how this would look if NIGHT OF THE SERPENT were to be properly rescued from obscurity and given the HD treatment. Thankfully, the lazy makeup job was not a reflection of the rest of the film's quality.

The only major setback of this film, in my opinion, is how confusingly it tells its story, which I touched on earlier. Other than that, NIGHT OF THE SERPENT is quite enjoyable despite not standing out from other Spaghetti Westerns in a major way. As I said earlier, it hits some of the same beats as DEATH RIDES A HORSE (and many other Westerns for that matter) in terms of the narrative and the characters. It's shot fairly well, it's scored amazingly by Riz Ortolani, and the character are well-developed in that the antagonists are appropriately evil and the protagonists are easy to get behind. The character of Luke in particular is great because of how he's established throughout the film, and it's one of the cases where information is gradually revealed in a way that doesn't spell everything out for you at first and it's done right. When he's first recruited by Lt. Hernandez and is given a gun, Luke's mind begins to drift, at which point the film cuts to what looks like a brief dream sequence where he's imagining himself as a handsome cowboy who's quite handy with a pistol (later scenes of him shooting at targets would contradict that), but when these sequences begin to pop up on a frequent basis throughout the film, it becomes evident that these are in fact flashback scenes showing you what Luke was like before his life seemingly went to shit and explaining why he ended up in the gutter. Not to spoil anything, but the final flashback pays off in a big way and explains so much about Luke.

The relationship between Luke and the boy doesn't become a "thing" that takes away from the plot or Luke's character development, which I liked. The boy is more or less a catalyst for Luke to pull himself out of the gutter and, in a way, face the demons that have apparently been haunting him for many years. However, the best thing about their relationship in my opinion is that it introduces the boy's mother, played by Magda Konopka, who is absolutely mesmerizing. NIGHT OF THE SERPENT is mostly noteworthy for being a rare and obscure Spaghetti Western that was sought after by enthusiasts of the genre for many years, but it's a pretty good film to boot for reasons that I already talked about. This is obviously not a starting point for anyone looking to get into Westerns, but at the same time it can still be enjoyed as a standalone movie by people who aren't necessarily into Westerns because of the fact that it's fairly accessible, and those who are already fans of the genre should get some satisfaction out of it. Besides, you can't really go wrong with the great Luigi Pistilli playing a heavy.


Make or Break: Luke's introduction.

MVT: Riz Ortolani's score. One of the best Spaghetti Western scores I've ever heard, which says a lot considering there are some truly masterful pieces of music associated with these types of films. At times the music is sinister and Giallo-esque for lack of a better term, and at other times the music evokes images of a European Gothic Horror film because of Ortolani's use of organs in the soundtrack. My favorite piece of music is what I assume was intended to be Luke's theme song, which consists of some very somber-sounding acoustic guitars highlighted by tribal percussion. Gorgeous stuff overall.

Score: 7/10

The Disc: DVD rip, cropped widescreen, English language with no subtitles. Apparently it was extremely hard to get a copy of this film with its English audio track for many years until some South African company released a version of it, which I assume is the same version that Cinema de Bizarre is providing, albeit a ripped copy. NIGHT OF THE SERPENT, like most Spaghetti Westerns, was shot in 2.35:1 aspect ratio, and the black bars at the top and bottom of the screen are still in tact on this copy, but instead of just being modified to full-screen and retaining all of the picture, it's blown up with the sides of the picture cut out, which you can see on the accompanying screenshot. Not a big deal since you're not missing any of the action and most of the shots of the actors are pretty tight anyway, but it's noticeable at times. The video quality is decent and watchable - not much better or worse than most copies you'll find of obscure Spaghetti Westerns. The audio, on the other hand, is a bit of a problem. The sound is nice and loud, but the audio is a bit fuzzy at times and not very clear when certain people are speaking. It's comparable to listening to the film through a stereo with blown-out speakers. All of that being said, this is still the best version of the film out there, so it is what it is.

Links:
Cinema de Bizarre
NIGHT OF THE SERPENT on Cinema de Bizarre
GGTMC's Review of DEATH RIDES A HORSE

Be sure to use the promo code GENTLEMEN for 10% off your orders!

Cinema de Bizarre Review of the Week: The Man from Hong Kong (1975)

Directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith and Jimmy Wang Yu

Starring Jimmy Wang Yu ("Fang"), George Lazenby ("Wilton"), Hugh Keays-Byrne ("Morrie Grosse"), and Roger Ward ("Bob Taylor")

Country: Hong Kong, Australia

After cranking out a few made-for-TV movies and documentaries within the first couple of years of his career, legendary Australian director Brian Trenchard-Smith unleashed his first feature-length film onto the public in 1975 with THE MAN FROM HONG KONG (also known as DRAGON FLIES), and what a debut feature-length it was. It's as if he had a suppressed overwhelming desire to blow shit up on screen his entire life and this mash-up of Aussie Action and Hong Kong Martial Arts cinema was his chance to finally exorcise those demons. THE MAN FROM HONG KONG does have a plot, but we get it in between numerous scenes of car chases, foot chases, explosions, and extended fight sequences. While he'd go on to settle down in terms of the amount of action he included in his films, MAN FROM HONG KONG laid the groundwork for his style of filmmaking and established him as someone who has a genuine love for the Action genre and the stunt profession.

The film opens with a couple of undercover cops (Roger Ward and Hugh Keays-Byrne - both of whom would go on to star in MAD MAX a few years later playing people on opposing sides of the law) busting a drug courier (Sammo Hung) out in the middle of the desert. Yes, I just mentioned Roger Ward, Hugh Keays-Byrne, and Sammo Hung in the first sentence of this paragraph and I haven't even really gotten started yet. Anyway, there's a bit of a language barrier seeing as the courier doesn't speak any English, and so the cops bring in an Inspector from Hong Kong, Fang Sing Leng (Jimmy Wang Yu), to interrogate Sammo's character. Fang beats the information out of him, and an investigation begins for a local Martial Arts expert/socialite/playboy/crossbow enthusiast named Wilton (George Lazenby). Wilton sicks his henchmen on Fang, resulting in the aforementioned car chases, fights, and action sequences.


Aside from the all-star cast mentioned above, we have two very important people in the Australian film industry playing Lazenby's henchmen: stunt man Grant Page and none other than Brian Trenchard-Smith himself - in leather pants no less! Both of them get their asses handed to them by Jimmy Wang Yu, but they both put up a fight, especially Grant, whose scenes with Jimmy Wang Yu lasted a while, beginning with a chase out on the street and ending with an extended fight that starts in a kitchen of a Chinese restaurant before making its way to the dining area. To say that they absolutely destroyed this Chinese restaurant would be an understatement.

If I have a complaint about MAN FROM HONG KONG, it's that there isn't enough Roger Ward and Hugh Keays-Byrne. They have great chemistry as a pair of narcotics detectives who have a tendency to goof around, and they're believable as two guys who have developed a friendship through working with each other. There's also a bit of an odd couple relationship between the two that I personally would've loved to have seen more of a focus on. You have Ward's character who's always in a suit and tie, whereas Byrne is usually dressed like he's Robin Hood or something. It's not that they're screen time is limited or anything, but at a certain point they take a backseat as more of the film focuses on Jimmy Wang Yu's character as he beds Aussie women and fights crime. Speaking of which, there are a lot of behind-the-scenes stories that don't exactly paint the Hong Kong star in the most positive of lights, but that's a discussion for another time and place.

As I said, the film does have a plot, and it's a pretty basic plot about cops trying to put an end to a drug ring. At the end of the day, though, it doesn't really matter what this movie is about, and to be critical of the plot and storytelling is missing the point. MAN FROM HONG KONG is essentially a showcase of stunts that was made to entertain and "WOW" audiences, with a plot as a means of getting from one action set-piece to the next and justifying them. Anyone who's familiar with Brian Trenchard-Smith's work knows that it wouldn't be one of his films without some sort of vehicular destruction, and this film has plenty of those. I lost count, but there are at least three or four exploding cars in the film, not to mention a number of chase scenes and driving that would be better suited in a demolition derby than a highway. One of the early car-splosions in the film looks to have been the perfect accident as a rather large piece of the car flew at the camera like a frisbee and seemingly missed it by only a few feet. In another car-related stunt sequence, a car drives right through a fucking HOUSE and keeps going! Well, it doesn't make it very far, but it keeps going nonetheless. And explodes of course.

MAN FROM HONG KONG is obviously no CITIZEN KANE, but it's a fun, spectacular film that should hit the sweet spot for anyone looking to just sit back, relax, and watch something entertaining and macho that requires no emotional or mental investment. Not only that, but you get a cast of legendary genre actors in the film as well. It should also be said that George Lazenby is great as the villain and seems to be having a ball hamming it up on screen (when he's not on fire). Highly recommended.


Make or Break: So many to choose from, but I'll go with the final "boss battle" between Jimmy Wang Yu and George Lazenby.

MVT: The stunts. And this includes not just the set-pieces themselves, but the stunt people who executed them as well.

Score: 7.75/10

The Disc: It appears to be a cropped version of the original print. MAN FROM HONG KONG was shot in 2.35:1 widescreen aspect ratio, and the black bars at the top and bottom of the screen are still in tact, but the sides of the picture are cut out. Also, the quality leaves much to be desired. Not a pristine DVD-quality print by any means, but it's watchable and still much better than a beat-up VHS rip or something. And be warned that the sound is incredibly loud, so if you normally have the volume on your television or sound system turned up, you might wanna start the film with the volume low and adjust it from there. Clear and audible, but loud. English with no subtitles.

Links:
Cinema de Bizarre
MAN FROM HONG KONG on Cinema de Bizarre

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Cinema de Bizarre Review of the Week: Mad Foxes (1981)

Directed by Paul Grau

Starring José Gras ("Hal Walters"), Laura Premica ("Silvia Godo"), Andrea Albani ("Babsy"), and Peter John Saunders

Running time: 01:16:48
Country: Spain, Switzerland

MAD FOXES is a sleazy revenge movie involving a group of rowdy bikers with a Nazi fetish and a womanizing bachelor who's forced to get in touch with his violent side. Oh, and there are a couple of Krokus songs in the movie too. When the film opens we're introduced to lead character, Hal, who's taking his girlfriend out to a nightclub to celebrate her 18th birthday (mind you, Hal is in his late 20s or early 30s). Character development? Fuck that shit! Throughout the film, there's not a lot of information provided on Hal other than the fact that he has a different girlfriend for every day of the week, but in the opening nightclub scene it's at least revealed that he has "fans". So apparently he's famous, but for what I have no idea. Whatever the case, as Hal and his barely-legal babe leave the club, they're brutally assaulted by a biker gang in a scene that will prove to be shocking for anyone who goes into this with no expectations - and even with the anticipation of a nasty exploitation movie, it does go just a bit too far. Despite the fact that there's rape involved, it's almost amusing to watch because of how absurdly it's presented. It's hard to take this biker gang seriously when one of them has pig-tails and another looks like his entire body is vibrating as he's penetrating Hal's gal.

What ensues is a lot of back-and-forth between Hal and the biker gang as they try to one-up each other at everyone else's expense. Hal first recruits a Martial Arts instructor to get revenge on the bikers, and so they - along with the instructor's entire dojo of Gi-wearing Karate practitioners - show up at the bikers' lair (which looks like an amphitheater) and hand them their asses in one of the most sloppily-choreographed brawl sequences I've ever seen (most of the Karate kicks look like goose-steps). The bikers later recover and go after certain people who are close to Hal, with the film getting progressively more violent as it builds to one of the most unexpected was-that-supposed-to-happen? endings I've ever seen.

What I described above might make this sound like just another in a long line of exploitation movies that revolve around revenge, but you really have to see this film to truly appreciate how "special" it is. For one, it has - hands down! - the most hilarious dubbing I've ever heard in a film. EVER. There's never a point in the film where the voices even come close to matching the lips of the actors (all of whom were speaking Spanish when shooting the film), and even the voices themselves add to the overall hilarity. If someone were to watch this movie unaware of the fact that it's foreign, they'd probably think the dubbing was some sort of joke, as in a group of people got drunk and recorded themselves ad-libbing every single line in the film. Speaking of which there's some awesome dialogue like:

Silvia: "Would you mind giving me a lift?"
Hal: "You mean take you?"

While it's incredibly entertaining, the problem with the dubbing is that it's such a huge factor in the film's presentation that it's quite possible it would have the feel of an entirely different film if one were to watch it in its original Spanish language. It's almost impossible to judge this film when it comes to the acting and the screenplay, because unless you've seen the original Spanish-language version and can understand the language (or if someone out there has made accurate fan-subs), who's to say that most of the bad dialogue wasn't improvised or exaggerated by the voice actors? Regardless, there are moments of bat-shit insanity throughout the film that defy language, and to even get into them in detail would be quite the task. Nazi fetishism, graphic sex, a pointless scene of BDSM, tons of ultraviolence, genital mutilation, bikers who barely know how to operate motorcycles, poorly-executed Karate, a protagonist who impresses women by shooting at commercial airplanes. And Krokus! MAD FOXES is a must-see for fans of biker movies and bizarre exploitation.


Make or Break: The first rape scene. There are a lot of great scenes throughout the film, but it's the first rape scene outside of the nightclub that lets you know exactly what kinda film you're in for, and it also establishes the idiotic bikers rather effectively.

MVT: The sleaze. The sex and violence in the film make it memorable. True, a movie of this type should have sex and violence anyway, but the fact that it's taken to the extreme on a few occasions, with seemingly no governor in regards to how far the filmmakers and actors were willing to take it, makes it that much more memorable than your average exploitation movie. Otherwise, I'd go with the dubbing, but that's not so much a credit (or discredit depending on who you ask) to the film itself as it is the product.

Score: 6.5/10 - However, If I were to rate this movie based entirely on its own merit, I'd give it an 8.75/10.

The Disc: Anamorphic widescreen! It's a DVD rip and great quality, albeit a tad compressed-looking. The sound is great as well. English language with no subtitles. Judging by the DVD menu that pops up after the end of the film, it looks to be a rip of the German release. It should also be said that the film is uncut. The running time for the film is approximately 76 minutes, but there's an extra 13 or 14 minutes of trailers, which are worth checking out if you wanna see Lina Romay and Brigitte Lahaie naked, as well as one or two other films starring a few of the actors from MAD FOXES.

Links:
Cinema de Bizarre
MAD FOXES on Cinema de Bizarre

Cinema de Bizarre Review of the Week: Death Haunts Monica (1976)

Directed by Ramón Fernández

Starring Nadiuska ("Monica"), Arturo Fernández ("Arturo"), Jean Sorel ("Federico"), and Karin Schubert ("Elena")

Country: Spain

I know the term "Spanish Giallo" is sort of an oxymoron, but for the sake of giving you an idea of what the film is like, let's go ahead and call DEATH HAUNTS MONICA a Spanish Giallo. It's very much akin to the Italian Giallo film in terms of its spirit, and there's enough female nudity in this to make the Lenzis, Argentos, Martinos, and Fulcis of the exploitation cinema world proud. Plus we've got Jean Sorel and Karin Schubert in the cast, both of whom have appeared in their share of Italian genre films, including a few with a couple of the aforementioned directors.

The eponymous Monica is a lonely housewife who's married to a determined businessman named Federico. It's also important to note that she's an heiress and incredibly wealthy. The fast-paced opening act of the film introduces and establishes the group of central characters so swiftly that it's almost hard to keep up. The gist of it is that there are two relative plot threads that sort of collide at a certain point. Federico is in the midst of a deal with his company when he's suddenly visited by an old associate who just got out of prison. Apparently Federico owes this guy a lot of money, and it's suggested that their history with each other may or may not have involved the world of organized crime. Meanwhile, a female co-worker of Federico (Karin Schubert) is going behind his back and telling his wife that he's been cheating on her. This all builds to numerous confrontations involving various combinations of characters (some of whom I haven't even mentioned yet), scandal, and a situation in which Monica finds herself covering up a death that will later come back to haunt her, hence the name of the film.

To say that DEATH HAUNTS MONICA was a nice surprise would be an understatement. Trust me when I say that it's not even close to being one of the best Gialli ever made (again, it's a very loose Giallo in the first place, so it's not really fair to compare it to its Italian cousins), but what this film possesses that a lot of the more traditional Italian Gialli lack is a solid script and a story that makes all kinds of sense. It may seem like I alluded to the opening act of the film being a bit of a cluster-fuck, but it's not the case. Sure, it's hard to follow if you're not paying enough attention, but what the first act does is brilliantly set up motive before the film even establishes itself as a murder mystery or "Giallo". So, once the film finally does take that certain turn about half-way through and makes it clear to the viewer that it's indeed a murder mystery of sorts, the character development is already done. Even the supporting characters have crucial roles in the plot rather than it being a case of minor characters being established only to disappear for most of the film and suddenly re-appear towards the end, which is one of my pet peeves when it comes to Gialli.


If you were to watch DEATH HAUNTS MONICA and have a Giallo checklist handy, you'd still have a lot of unmarked areas by the time it was over. MONICA doesn't feature a lot of the cliches and tropes of the genre. As I said earlier, its similarities lie in its spirit and how the mystery and thriller elements are presented. DEATH HAUNTS MONICA is more like a soap opera with a murder mystery element and the atmosphere (and plentiful nudity) of a Giallo. There's not a lot of violence to be found since this isn't a body count movie per se, and in fact there's not a drop of blood in the film or a mysterious killer going around and stalking anyone. Kinda vague, but to say much more would be saying too much. Again, not a stellar movie in the grand scheme of things, but well-crafted, well-written, and with some really good lead performances. The only noteworthy flaws of the film, in my opinion, are that it doesn't really bring anything new to the table, there aren't any standout moments (ie. death scenes) that serve as incentive for a re-watch, and that the ending is too abrupt. Other than that, it's a decent little murder mystery that fans of Gialli should be sure to check out, but it probably won't win anyone over who isn't a fan of the genre.


Make or Break: As I already said, while the movie is fairly solid as a whole (for what it is), there aren't any standout moments, so I'll go with the second act of the film when it reaches its turning point and certain characters - specifically Monica - are affected because of it. It's arguable that the build-up and establishing of the characters takes too long, so when the wheels are finally set in motion for the film's mystery element, it's a welcomed change of pace.

MVT: I could go with a few things for MVT, but I think lead actress Nadiuska deserves it for her performance as Monica. She doesn't exactly turn in an exhausting emotional performance or anything, but she has a great face that does wonders for how she emotes fear during some of the film's more tense moments. She's easy on the eyes as well.

Score: 6.75/10

The Disc: The actual quality of the picture leaves much to be desired, but at least none of the original image is lost since it's presented in its intended widescreen aspect ratio, albeit letterboxed. Spanish language with optional fan-made subtitles. Speaking of which, there are a few issues with the subtitles, but these are the same issues you tend to deal with when it comes to fan-made subs in general. Sometimes the subtitles will pop up and disappear too quickly before you get a chance to read them, and at one point there are subtitles that simply read "???", which obviously doesn't help. But considering how obscure and hard-to-find this movie is, beggars can't be choosers. Sure, the lackluster quality doesn't do the film any justice, but it's watchable (I've seen legit DVD releases much worse than this), the audio is clear, and fan subs are better than no subs at all (unless you hablo espanol). The running time is 81 minutes give or take, and to my knowledge there is no longer cut of this film anywhere.

Links:
Cinema de Bizarre
DEATH HAUNTS MONICA on Cinema de Bizarre

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Cinema de Bizarre Review of the Week: Blood Ceremony (1973)

Directed by Jorge Grau

Starring Lucia Bosé ("Erzebeth Bathory"), Espartaco Santoni ("Karl Ziemmer"), Ewa Aulin ("Marina"), and Ana Farra ("Nodriza")

Country: Spain, Italy

While there have been many films based on the legend of the "Blood Countess" Elizabeth Bathory, BLOOD CEREMONY (also known as THE LEGEND OF BLOOD CASTLE and FEMALE BUTCHER) was one of the very first, and some would say that it's one of the best. Directed by Jorge Grau of LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE fame, BLOOD CEREMONY is a Gothic horror film set in the 17th century somewhere in Central Europe, and it's an interesting take on the Elizabeth Bathory legend in that it incorporates actual vampirism into the story rather than using the real-life Bathory's alleged penchant for bathing in human blood as a metaphor for vampirism.

In the film, "Erzebeth Bathory" is married to Karl Ziemmer - the Marquis of a region of land that supposedly serves as home to actual vampires. In what ended up being one of the strangest things I've ever seen in a vampire film, a doctor who was believed to be a blood-sucker is exhumed from his grave, staked through the heart, and later put on trial by residents of the village (and a magistrate with the familiar name of "Helsing") while still in his casket and presumably dead. At one point the corpse is even questioned, which is a bit funny.

The aforementioned trial of the vampire coincides with many strange occurrences involving the primary characters. Erzebeth turns to a sorceress when she accidentally discovers that the blood of one of her female servants essentially makes the wrinkles on her skin disappear. What starts out as a trial-by-error experiment sparked by Erzebeth's curiosity (and vanity), the sneaky extraction of blood from a young female virgin turns into a full-blown onslaught as committed by Erzebeth and the sorceress. At a certain point, Karl suddenly dies and comes back as a vampire, and so he teams up with his wife and embarks on a killing spree with her. It's a win-win situation for both parties, as Karl gets to satisfy his thirst for both blood and young women while Erzebeth gets to literally bathe in the leftovers and further her quest for eternal youth. It's also suggested that the sorceress (and old hag, mind you) wants to live vicariously through Erzebeth, as wall as the more prominent of the female servants, Marina, which would explain her motives for assisting both of those characters in their respective desires to achieve certain things, but since she's apparently a sorceress I don't understand why she didn't just come up with a spell to make herself younger.

Personally, I'm a sucker for European Gothic horror movies because of the inherent atmosphere that comes with them. Some seem to nail it more than others, but these films tend to be pretty atmospheric for the most part. BLOOD CEREMONY mostly delivers in that respect but falls short in a few areas. It's arguably a much quieter film that it has any right being, and as far as the atmosphere is concerned, the film could have benefited from a slightly better score; perhaps something a little more Hammer-esque or more ominous than the seemingly stock (but serviceable) horror-movie music used in BLOOD CEREMONY. Visually, though, BLOOD CEREMONY is quite good, as Jorge Grau and cinematographers Fernando Arribas (THE BLOOD-SPATTERED BRIDE) and Oberdan Troiani (a bunch of Peplum films) utilize shadows and lighting to create a haunting and occasionally nightmarish aesthetic.

It should also be said that BLOOD CEREMONY is a bit slow, which is to be expected with most European Gothic horror, in that they're not the most action-packed films, but rather movies that thrive on visuals and creating a certain mood. If you keep in mind that this film was one of the first to tackle the Elizabeth Bathory legend, it's quite admirable. In the context of it being just another horror film based on Bathory, it treads familiar waters and arguably doesn't stand out against films like Hammer's COUNTESS DRACULA or DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (a looser interpretation of the Bathory legend), both of which preceded BLOOD CEREMONY. As a whole the film could potentially be a snooze-fest for a lot of people, and the fact that it takes itself very seriously could either hurt or help it depending on what certain movie fans are looking for when seeking this out. At the very least, BLOOD CEREMONY would make a great background movie at a Halloween party because of the foreboding atmosphere, the constant display of dark imagery, and the type of music that you'd hear blasting out of loud-speakers at a haunted house.

Make or Break: The conclusion of the film made it for me. While good, the film doesn't really have a lot of standout scenes or set-pieces, so a lot of what I ultimately thought about the film depended on how the story wrapped up. Luckily it doesn't quite fizzle out, and even though it ultimately plays out like you'd expect it to if you're familiar enough with Countess Bathory, it's still exceptionally haunting.


MVT: The most valuable thing in this film, for me, is something - or rather someone - that I haven't even mentioned yet: actress Ewa Aulin. The Swedish actress, who made a name for herself by playing the lead role in CANDY (which also starred Marlon Brando and Ringo Starr to name a few), plays the character of Marina in BLOOD CEREMONY. The best way that I can describe her character is that she's basically built up to be the "Final Girl", in that she's the most prominent character amongst the group of young women who are targeted by both Erzebeth Bathory and her undead husband. Ewa doesn't exactly deliver a knockout performance or anything, but you'd be hard-pressed to find another actress from this era film as equally adorable and sexy as Ms. Aulin. She's also one of those promising actresses from this era of film who made a few movies and quit the business.

Score: 6.25/10

The Disc: The version of BLOOD CEREMONY available from Cinema de Bizarre features a letterboxed widescreen print of the film. Even though IMDB lists a running time of 102 minutes and the running time of this particular copy clocks in at 01:26:20 from the beginning of the film to the end of the closing credits, the version available from Cinema de Bizarre is the definitive cut of BLOOD CEREMONY. The censorship of this film is notable, as existing prints of it available (including the version currently made available by Mya Releasing on DVD) feature alternate scenes in which the nudity is either blocked or removed from the film altogether. Judging by screenshots out there of the cut version that was released on DVD, it's apparent that the quality is better than the uncut version that the folks over at CdB obtained, but I'm sure most collectors out there would stupid to overlook the uncut version in favor of the censored Spanish version. It should also be said that the only known existing prints of the uncut BLOOD CEREMONY are in English with hardcoded Finnish subtitles, which is the case with the CdB version that I'm reviewing. The audio is decent at best, but it's at least loud, and while the picture quality is a bit dark, it's still watchable. According to the Cinema de Bizarre website, this is also one of their top sellers.

Links:
Cinema de Bizarre
BLOOD CEREMONY on Cinema de Bizarre
GGTMC's Review of Jorge Grau's LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE

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