The Convent (2000) - An Overlooked And Underappreciated Comedic Gore-gasm By Director Mike Mendez

A demon gets back in the habit in Mike Mendez's The Convent (2000).

       As a general rule, I like my gore served with a side of humor.  Photo-realistic depictions of violent atrocity just don't entertain me.  Luckily, the comedic gore movie is almost a sub-genre unto itself.  I originally committed to posting about Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990) for this year's Gore-A-Thon, owing largely to the fact that I covered The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) last year.  Then I re-watched Leatherface, and I reminded myself that it's actually not very gory.  Worse, it's not very entertaining.  I proceeded to pore over my movie collection looking for a moist and meaty alternative.  Fortunately, I unearthed my copy of director Mike Mendez's The Convent (2000), a riotously entertaining throwback to the comedic gore greats of the eighties.  I'm pretty sure I heard a choir of angels singing as I pulled the disc from my movie vault.

The nuns at the St. Francis Boarding School want the students to pledge allegiance to their Dark Lord.

      Director Mike Mendez is a talent I wish was afforded the opportunity to be more prolific.  Though I've yet to lay my hands on Killers (1996, aka Real Killers), his recent Big Ass Spider! (2013) is exactly the kind of gleefully silly and entertaining B-movie the SyFy channel wishes it could deliver.  The Gravedancers (2006), one of the best-selling releases from the first After Dark Horrorfest, is also a solid spook show, albeit more serious minded.  Sadly, those two flicks and the Showtime documentary Masters Of Horror (2002) are the extent of Mendez's directorial filmography since The Convent.  Meanwhile, hacks like Uwe Boll seem to release a new movie every other week.

Monica (Megahn Perry) is bound and gagged in preparation for her sacrifice to Satan.

     The Convent is a textbook example of a familiar premise well executed.  Its story revolves around a group of college kids who break into an abandoned convent and unleash hell.  Only a reclusive older woman named Christine who quelled a similar incursion in the past (Adrienne Barbeau, absolutely bad-ass as always) can restore order.  What really sets The Convent apart, though, isn't the shopworn premise, but the frenetic visual stylings and wickedly funny performances.  Chief among these is the acerbically funny Megahn Perry as a goth chick named Monica.  When confronted with a self proclaimed Prince of Evil (an equally funny David Gunn) making a theatrically inept attempt to sacrifice her to Satan, Monica calls him out:  "Prince of Evil?  You work at fucking Dairy Queen."  Actual scripted humor is a refreshing change from the unintentional comedy and winking homage that litter so many like-minded B-movies.

A cheerleader with her face peeled off accompanied by a two former weekend Satanists. Go Team Demon!

     In fact, The Convent is defined more by its comedic elements than its horrific ones.  Aside from a stylish opening segment depicting the young Christine laying waste to nuns and clergy accompanied by the Leslie Gore song You Don't Own Me, the movie never really tries to be genuinely disturbing.  The Convent aims instead to be a cinematic love letter to the over-the-top gore fests with which director Mendez grew up.  Think Evil Dead 2, and you'll have a pretty good idea of what's in store.  Mendez even throws in a cameo by rapper Coolio and genre vet Bill Moseley as dickish local cops, lest viewers fail to recognize the tongue-in-cheek tone Mendez is cultivating.

Monica (Megahn Perry) gets demonized as the Prince of Evil and his minion watch from across the room.

     Rest assured, though - even if The Convent is never truly frightening, the gore runs deep.  There are plenty of stabbings, face peelings, shotgun blasts, genital mutilations, and decapitations to sate even the most ardent gorehound.  Though Mendez trimmed a few seconds of the most gratuitous splatter to secure an R rating for the stateside DVD, he's been quoted as saying The Convent is still a "hard R".  Genre fans won't be disappointed.  With any luck, Mendez's prequel to The Convent, currently listed on IMDB as being in pre-production under the title The Devil's Convent, will arrive sooner rather than later.  Until then, grab a copy of The Convent, gather a few friends, and enjoy one of the most overlooked and underappreciated comedic gore-gasms around.

Blood Sucking Geek Presents The Second Annual Ultimate Gore-A-Thon

      Jonny Dead at Blood Sucking Geek is kicking off the Ultimate Gore-A-Thon 2014, and the bloodbath begins on June 15th.  At The Mansion Of Madness, Blood Sucking Geek, Candy-Coated Razor Blades,  The Info Zombie, and Movies At Dog Farm are all coming back for the second time, and new participants  90s Horror Movies, Love Horror, Midnight Cinephile, Slasher Studios, Wide Weird World Of Cult Films, and Terrorphoria are bringing the new blood.  The Ultimate Gore-A-Thon 2014 runs through June 21st.

     Be sure to visit all of the participating sites, be generous with the "Likes" and "Shares", and leave lots of comments.  Horror bloggers love that.  Clicking on the Gore-A-Thon badge in the sideboard will take you directly to a regularly updated index of new posts from all of the sites.  Hats off to Blood Sucking Geek for taking the time and effort to organize the event.

The Power Of The Incredibly Strange Horror Bloggers Network Compels You . . .

There's no need to adjust your monitor.  The Incredibly Strange Horror Bloggers Network has seized control of your laptop.  We dare you to click the spiral and be transported to another dimension (or at least another URL address).

     Readers will remember Blood Sucking Geek's Ultimate Gore-A-Thon from back in February.  The Ultimate Gore-A-Thon was a two week multi-blog event orchestrated by JD at Blood Sucking Geek. It included his blog, this blog, and seven other contributing blogs.  We all thoroughly enjoyed working with one another, and we decided to keep doing so.  Enter The Incredibly Strange Horror Bloggers Network . . .

     The Incredibly Strange Horror Bloggers Network is a group of these nine predominately horror themed blogs that have banded together to consolidate their individual strengths, support each other's efforts, and present a unified identity to the public.  In particular, fans of any of the participating blogs can go to The Incredibly Strange Horror Bloggers Network Fan Page on Facebook and find updated info and links from all nine blogs gathered together in one tidy, convenient pile.

     The graphics associated with The Incredibly Strange Horror Bloggers Network will likely change in the near future (Maggie at MK Horror is working on something a little spiffier than what I came up with), but the Facebook Fan Page is already up and running.  Bob at Candy-Coated Razor Blades is brainstorming our next group effort, as well.

     Watch the Fan Page for updates, and feel free to post there to let us know what you think.  In addition to promoting the blogs, we also hope to foster an active community there - we'd like all of our readers to be part of that!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986) Is Better Than You Remember

                          "Sex is . . . well, nobody knows.  But the saw . . . the saw is family"
                                                                                       Drayton Sawyer, TCM2

Great poster, great tagline, and a great movie - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986)

The one on one chainsaw duel between Leatherface and Lefty

     I'm an unapologetic Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 fanboy, so be forewarned.  If you're a hater and you think that TCM2 is a sloppy, cacophonous, scare free mess . . . well, you're probably more than just a little bit right.  But it's also a witty, well-paced, blackly comic satire that succeeds admirably in taking the TCM franchise in about the only direction it could have gone without making it a pale rehash of one of the greatest horror movies ever made.

     Director Tobe Hooper realized that trying to top his brilliantly disturbing original with more of the same was a fool's errand.  Instead, he chose to bring the dark humor present in the original - but mostly overlooked - out into the spotlight this time.  After all, Hooper thought he was making a PG rated movie the first time around.  It was based on a violent flight of fancy he had in the hardware department of a crowded store when he was trying to think of a way to get through the crowd and noticed chainsaws for sale.  It was filmed under the working title Headcheese, for Pete's sake.  Not to belittle Hooper's achievement with the original TCM, but he pretty clearly thought he was making something a little different than what we all took to be a nerve-jangling descent into Hell.  In that respect, he failed.

A Sawyer family portrait from TCM2

     If a viewer can get past the fact that the first TCM is scary and that TCM2 isn't, then the sequel is a perfectly logical narrative progression.  I posted an article recently about how the original TCM is a uniquely American horror movie.  TCM2 expands on this notion by having the Sawyer clan chasing the capitalist American dream of a successful business - The Last Round Up Rolling Grill - which Drayton Sawyer (Jim Siedow) says he built into a success by hookin' and crookin'.  The Sawyer family's murderous activities are just a means to an end, a necessary evil perpetrated to grow the family business.  TCM2 is building on thematic concerns presented in the original, and in that regard, it's more of a direct continuation of the first than  the shameful Texas Chainsaw 3D purports to be.

Leatherface and the Hitchhiker on the bridge

     TCM2 also finally delivers all that gore that we only thought we saw in the original, another logical progression.  FX master Tom Savini delivers some of his best work here, with the skinning alive of radio station engineer L.G. (Lou Perry) being a notable highlight.  I always get a little tickled when Lefty (Dennis Hopper) makes a point of turning Leatherface's chainsaw disembowelment toward the camera during the climactic chainsaw battle.  It's almost as if director Hooper is saying, "Here's what you always wanted to see, kids!  Here's your gorey money shot!"  It's effects porn at its finest.  Grandpa's old age make-up is pretty incredible, too, as is the Hitchhiker "costume" Leatherface dons in the opening bridge massacre.  Hell, how about that gloriously over-the-top sawed off head in that same sequence?  I know you giggled with glee the first time you saw that.

Leatherface woos Stretch the only way he knows how

     We also get to see Leatherface (Bill Johnson) hit puberty in TCM2, and the tender love story between Leatherface and Stretch (Caroline Williams) serves as the sequel's funniest running gag.  I love me some Gunnar Hansen, but Bill Johnson's wordless performance as TCM2's love addled Leatherface is an underappreciated triumph of expressive pantomime.  It's a logical progression in the character's arc, and it's the only instance anyone other than Hansen has properly captured the child-like essence of the character. 

Stretch strikes an iconic pose at the conclusion of TCM2

     In fact, the entire cast rises to the occasion admirably.  Jim Siedow and Bill Moseley (Chop-Top) both chew the scenery with gusto, and their persistent squabbling brings the dysfunctional Sawyer family dynamic to life.  Caroline Williams and Dennis Hopper do a fine job garnering audience sympathy, as well - no small feat when competing with such a colorful bunch of bad guys.  Their respective meltdowns - with Hopper "bringin' it all down" and Williams ultimately mimicking Leatherface's iconic chainsaw dance from the original TCM - are wholly convincing.  They also serve notice to the viewer that we all have a little "chainsaw" in us.

The Sawyer family "Breakfast Club" pose

     The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 is by no means the genre defining masterpiece that Tobe Hooper's original was, but it's a helluva lot better than its detractors would have you believe.  I firmly believe that most fans who don't like TCM2 don't like it because it isn't the movie they expected.  If it had been the movie they expected, they undoubtedly wouldn't have liked that, either.  Appreciate TCM2 for the darkly humorous quasi-parody it is.  Don't take it to task for not being a carbon copy of the original.

     It pisses me off that Texas Chainsaw 3D had the audacity to rewrite canon and position itself as the true sequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 is, was, and always will be the only true sequel to Hooper's pioneering original.  It's a commendable attempt to expand on the Chainsaw saga while being respectful of its trailblazing predecessor.  It's better than you remember.  Skip the next shitty sequel and watch it again if you don't believe me.

Tag! You're It! 13 Terrifying Taglines And The Movies That Spawned Them

     I mentioned the brilliantly lurid taglines used to sell Pieces (1981) just last week, but Pieces is far from the only gorey horror movie to tease its explicit content with provocative taglines.  Before every other new horror release began to settle for posters of attractive floating heads and the uninspired "Based on a True Story" tagline, filmmakers used every tool at their disposal to sell their movies.  If you had an eye-catching poster and memorable tagline you were golden.  Sometimes the movies themselves were afterthoughts.

     Following is a selection of thirteen terrifying taglines that do a better job than most of selling their respective movies.  Some of the movies are actually good, some aren't, but all made effective use of their taglines to get asses in the seats.  Take a shot at guessing the name of the movie that spawned the tagline, then click on the tagline to see if you're right.


13 Terrifying Taglines
                                                            
The Film That Could Only Be Made In South America . . . Where Life Is CHEAP!

They Will Make Cemeteries Their Cathedrals And The Cities Will Be Your Tombs.

John Will Never Eat Shish Kebab Again.

The Tenant In Room 7 Is Very Small, Very Twisted, And Very Mad.

The Saw Is Family.

This Woman Has Just Cut, Chopped, And Burned Five Men Beyond Recognition . . . But No Jury In America Would Ever Convict Her! 

I Warned You Not To Go Out Tonight.

It Takes All Kinds Of Critters To Make Farmer Vincent's Fritters.

Where Shopping Costs You An Arm And A Leg!

When There's No More Room In Hell The Dead Will Walk The Earth.

Zombies, Guns And Sex, Oh My!

We Are Going To Eat You!

An Entire Town Bathed In Pulsing Human Blood! Madmen Crazed For Carnage! Brutal . . . Evil . . . Ghastly Beyond Belief!

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Please post your score in the Comments section below!

Pieces (1982) - An Appreciation

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      Pieces (1982) is pure freak show exploitation, and it's advertising campaign sells it like a huckstering carnival barker.  

     "You Don't Have To Go To Texas For A Chainsaw Massacre!" chides the tagline.
 
     The poster even more pointedly assures "It's Exactly What You Think It Is!"  

     The clear implication is that Pieces offers all of the bad dialog, gratuitous nudity, and gory violence you're looking for, all in one sleazy  package.  Unlike most exploitation, though, this package mostly delivers. Even better, it does so with a charming lack of pretense.
  
     Director Juan Piquer Simon knew what he was making here,  and he doesn't let decorum get in the way.  Legend has it that an actress lost control of her bladder while filming when a functioning chainsaw strayed too near.  That shot made it into the film's final cut, a testament to the aesthetic of tacky, unrefined showmanship that makes Pieces great.      

     Director Simon once stated, "I don't know anyone who says 'I'm going to make a bad movie.'  Nor do I know anyone who says 'I'm going to make a work of art' and makes it."

    Somehow, Pieces manages to be both bad movie and work of art.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) may be the undisputed masterpiece, but Pieces earns its place in the chainsaw movie pantheon.  By being devoid of delusions of grandeur and simply delivering what it promises, Pieces truly is exactly what you think it is. 

     

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                                       Scope out Simon's equally gonzo Slugs (1988), as well!

Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart - My Bloody Valentine (1981)

       

     Fewer than half a dozen times in my entire adult life has Valentine's Day not been miserable for me.  It's a cynical non-holiday formulated to sell greeting cards and torment the lonely.  If you're with someone it's an obligation to try to bludgeon your sweetie with sentiment on a day fraught with expectations.  Do too much and humiliate yourself in the eyes of someone who doesn't care as much.  Do too little and reveal yourself as a callous jerk with no romance in your heart.  Well,  Valentine's Day can kiss my hairy heart-shaped ass.  Thank God for My Bloody Valentine (1981).

     I wasn't always this bitter.  In fact, when I first saw My Bloody Valentine as a fresh-faced 11 year old I fell in love with the iconic look of the pickaxe wielding killer rather than the movie's sour view of Valentine's Day.  My appreciation of that aspect came with adulthood, and it grew with each passing year like the clog that undoubtedly festers in my aortic artery.

Completely badass, right?

     In my youth, though, I always wondered why My Bloody Valentine didn't spawn a franchise like so many of its calendar based brethren.  I now know it was the victim of unfortunate timing, a topic that director George Mihalka elaborates upon nicely in the extra features on the Special Edition disc.  All of the goriest footage was left on the cutting room floor to ensure the movie made its release date without becoming mired in a ratings battle with the MPAA.  Then, of course, the footage was lost - for twenty-eight years.

The version to have - beware the still circulating Paramount release!

     Lionsgate reinstated most of that newly rediscovered gore footage when they released the Special Edition to capitalize on the release of director Patrick Lussier's 2009 3D remake.  The elements for the footage is understandably rougher looking than the rest of the movie, and yet the degradation serves to enhance the authenticity of the gore effects in a pleasingly grindhouse fashion.  Though not all of the lost footage was recovered, director Mihalka says the new cut represents about 85% of what was intended.  I can honestly say I had never been more excited to see the extended cut of a movie, and the footage truly delivers.

A little taste of the gorey goodness reinstated for the My Bloody Valentine Special Edition.

     The theatrical cut that I saw as a child was already a favorite, and the reinstated effects serve to push the movie into the realm of greatness.  I contend that if this version had made it into theaters in 1981 that My Bloody Valentine would have spawned a franchise to rival the long running dominance of the Friday The 13th series.  Slasher movies just don't get any better.

     I was open to Lussier's remake because I saw it primarily as an opportunity for My Bloody Valentine to get a do-over and at last become the success it should have been the first time.  Though successful at the box office, the 2009 remake has yet to produce a sequel.  I'm brokenhearted once again.  At least the remake itself turned out to be a rousingly good  time in 3D.  The only major misstep was letting the miner spend too much time out of the mine.

A custom cover for Lussier's remake.  Break out your anaglyph 3D glasses - it's totally worth it!

     The original made the mine itself a major character, and the dark and claustrophobic mine shafts add immeasurably to the effectiveness of My Bloody Valentine.  All of the underground footage was shot at Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, often as much as 900 feet underground.  The movie benefits greatly from the verisimilitude.

     Often overlooked in discussion of My Bloody Valentine is the well delineated love triangle at the heart of the movie.  The star crossed lovers are more identifiably human than usual for horror movies of this era, and that aspect lends the final reveal of the killer's identity a level of pathos absent from most other slashers.  *Spoiler*  That triangle is still intact at the end of the movie, which makes it even more heartbreaking that there was never a sequel.

For the key to my heart?  You can actually order this here.

     So if you find yourself alone this Valentine's Day, my heart truly goes out to you.  As oxymoronic as it sounds, you're actually not alone because so many of us are alone with you.  Do what I do each and every year, and make a date with My Bloody Valentine.  I hear she's a sure thing . . .

 

Movies At Dog Farm Slips On A Bloody Banana Peel - Funny, Yes?

 "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
                                                                                                - Mel Brooks

Fisting in New Zealand!  Dead Alive (1992)

     I'm courting disaster by attempting to define a subgenre, but I struggled with devising post topics for the Ultimate Gore-A-Thon  because I wasn't really sure what I felt defined a gore movie.  The term always makes me think first of movies that use graphic, over-the-top violence to comedic effect - movies like Re-Animator (1985), Evil Dead II (1987), or Dead Alive (1992).  So why is that?

How are those eyebrows not funny?  Blood Feast (1963)

     Well, maybe it's because Herschell Gordon Lewis is the Godfather of Gore, and I can't help but giggle every time I watch one of his movies.  Granted, he was initially just fishing around for a hook when the popularity of the nudies he was producing began to wane, but I find it nearly impossible to watch his seminal Blood Feast (1963) and imagine that the absurdly exaggerated violence on display was seriously intended.  The campy, po-faced presentation of all that luridly colorful gore is precisely why his movies have endured.  You're either in on the gag, or you're not.  If you're not, then you're probably offended.

     To me, the key distinguishing characteristic of a gore movie is that it's more concerned with the aftermath than the action.  A gore movie isn't as concerned with the violent act as it is with the bloody red remains of said act.  A gore movie is determined to let the camera linger lovingly on the mess.  A gore movie is the cinematic equivalent of your buddy blowing his nose, then spreading the tissue wide and saying, "Hey!  Look at this!"
 

Doesn't like fart jokes.  Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

    You know it will be gross, but you can't not look.  It's a testament to your own constitution if you can look and just laugh it off - juvenile, but also comedic.  Comedic gore is a fart in a crowded elevator, intended to either make you snicker like a ten year old or to turn away in disgust because your sensibilities are too fine.  I like a good fart joke.  Funny is funny.  If you laugh, it was funny - no further analysis necessary.  If you've got too big a stick up your ass to enjoy a good fart joke, you're probably not going to like gore movies, either.

    So what's your definition of a gore movie?  Is it movies like Saw (2004) or Hostel (2005) that plumb the depths of photorealistic carnage?  Or maybe it's the elegant beauty of Dario Argento's stylized ultra-violence?  How about tacky cannibal gut-munchers like Cannibal Holocaust (1980) or perhaps the graphic extremities of nearly unclassifiable genre fare like Excision or American Mary (2012)?  If it's the indisputably comedic gore of Japanese genre movies like Machine Girl (2008) or RoboGeisha (2009), maybe you're seeing the same dark humor I am.

     A valid argument can be made for any of these movies epitomizing the gore genre.  I suspect my compatriots in the Gore-A-Thon will address many of these titles with their own posts over the next two weeks.  I look forward to reading them as much as I hope you do.  Shower me in blood, folks!  Help me up from the floor if I slip in the puddled gore!

     . . . but only after you've enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of my personal tragedy, of course.

     By the way, who farted?

A head giving head - the funniest visual pun in any movie ever!  Plus, it gives me an excuse to show Barbara Crampton nude!  Re-Animator (1985) Click the title for an extended clip.

 

A Most Gore-geous Day Is Upon Us!

     That's right, folks!  The official start of the Ultimate Gore-A-Thon is upon us!  The splatterific extravaganza begins at midnight this Saturday!
   
     Things have been quiet at the Dog Farm for awhile, but that's only because we've been gearing up for what promises to be one helluva lot of fun.  The proprietors of all eight participating sites have been working hard to stockpile a big, messy pile of gorey horror movie goodness.  You'll notice the addition of the Ultimate Gore-A-Thon Most Recent Posts listing to the right, where you can keep up with all the newest posts at all eight sites throughout the next two weeks.  You can also check out a master list of all the sites, posts, and links relating to the Ultimate Gore-A-Thon at Blood Sucking Geek.  Take a moment to "Like" the new Movies At Dog Farm Facebook fan page while you're in the sideboard, too. 

     On an a somewhat related note: I'd like to call everyone's attention to the trailer currently embedded in Movies At Dog Farm Recommends . . .  in the sideboard.  Owing to the nature of the Ultimate Gore-A-Thon, I found myself revisiting this incredible three disc set for reference recently.  You'll have to own a PAL region-free DVD player to enjoy Video Nasties: The Definitive Guide here in the states, but it's highly recommended if you have the tech.  It's still available to order on Amazon's U.S. site - but I'm not going to link to Amazon here.  I'm afraid you're on your own for that leg of the journey.

     So get your hip-waders on and gear up for the Ultimate-Gore-A-Thon.  We'll begin shoveling the bloody chum on Saturday night at midnight.  The Dog Farm's first post will be up at 12:01.  Remember to visit all of the rest of the participating sites, be generous with the "Likes" and "Shares", and leave plenty of comments.  Contrary to what Erin Lashley of Deep Red Rum claims, I'm pretty sure we're all comment whores.  

Doggy Style Blather For The Faithful Dog Farm Followers

Movies At Dog Farm Headquarters in Weyers Cave, VA

     I've tried to avoid pointless, blathering posts, but it's been so long since my last posting that I figured I should at least surface for a moment to assure everyone that the Dog Farm is still open and operational.  I've been writing and stockpiling for the upcoming multi-site Ultimate Gore-A-Thon beginning February 10 and running through February 23.  I've got a couple of posts prepared already, and I hope to at least begin working on a third tonight.

     It's a great, hard working bunch of folks running the sites that are participating, and I encourage everyone to check them out either by using the link above or Other Dogs Barking in the sideboard.  Be sure to Like, Share, Comment, or Follow when you visit.  It only takes a click or two, and digital word-of-mouth is the lifeblood of these sites.

     It was with initial trepidation that I embarked on this venture, and I've been so pleased to discover that just about everyone I've come into contact with so far has been friendly, helpful, and encouraging.  My day job is in retail sales, where I frequently see the very worst of human nature.  It makes me happy that I've found such a nice - and talented - bunch of people in the blogosphere. 

     Finally, just a bit of housekeeping . . . Movies At Dog Farm now has an official fan page on Facebook.  The group page labeled Movies At Dog Farm is still open, as well.  All future links to this site will appear in both places.

     Thanks to all for the continued patronage, and be sure to mark your calendars for the upcoming Ultimate Gore-A-Thon.  You can also RSVP for the Event on Facebook here.