Afghan Skate-Punks

Blowback.

The law of unintended consequences implies that if you ban women from riding bicycles you engender a generation of rebellious teenage skate-punks!

Bring it on!

MERCENARY is frustrated and sick to fucking death of bullshit religious bigotry right now...

Fuck the Bigots!

Photo by Jessica Fulford-Dobson

#Skateistan #AfghanSkateGirls #JessicaFulfordDobson #FuckTheBigots #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Adventures of Adventure-Man

#BMWGS1200Adventure #AdventureMan #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Puma - Dress for the Crash

What the actual fuck?

Am I missing something here, or is this the most cynical bullshit hipster marketing attempt yet?

'Dress for the Crash' as a tagline seems to me that Puma might be considering moving into motorcycle casual wear, y'know, armoured trainers or Kevlar jeans. I'd buy that. I can't be arsed wearing leathers all the time and I've always liked Puma as a brand.

And it's not a huge leap that they might do that - they already make Puma motorcycle boots and I think they make race suits.

But no, 'Dress for the Crash' in this instance appears to mean wear our product on your way to the hospital with accidental gunshot wounds, road rash, pit-bull bites and alcohol poisoning...

This isn't 'edgy', it's bullshit.

Puma - FUCK OFF!

SMFH

Dress For The Crash - PUMA from valentin petit on Vimeo.



#Puma #DressForTheCrash #CynicalHipsterBullshit #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

H2

When the H2 was revealed last September, I reserved judgement on its styling. Sometimes new ideas take time to get used to - the shock of the new and all that...

Well, I've had time to consider it and I still think it's ugly. There's no cohesion to it. Its a whole load of bits bodged together. I don't think this is a mistake. I think it was a very deliberate policy by the designers. I understand that they wanted to make a statement about the ground-breaking nature of the bike, but I don't understand why it's so irregular...

It's the sort of pretentious shit BMW (both cars and bikes) does to show people how clever they are. It smacks of The Emperor's New Clothes and I think it shows a lack of confidence. I think this is borne out by the fact that after all the fuss, it isn't actually a 300 horsepower street bike.

Fuck that! Kawasaki, go back to making the fastest, most beautiful bikes and leave the avant-garde conceptual stuff to Yamaha, who do it with such charm.

Thank you.

#KawasakiH2  #UglyAsSin #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Fat Tyre GSXR

I picked this image up on Facebook the other day, where it was subject to a huge amount of ridicule and derision. The intelligence and taste of the owner/builder were called into question and some of the comments were pretty much flat-out racist.

Fuck that noise!

Look at it in the context of all the stuff that goes on on MERCENARY and I think you might find it's actually deadly!

Image Unknown


#FatTyreGSXR #StretchedGSXR #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

What The Actual Fuck?

It's a post-modern, post-future world and we (well, motorcyclists and younger people) seem to dwell in a sort of eternal mid '60s to mid '70s retro-fantasy where Steve McQueen is king of everything and an air-cooled BMW with no mudguards is the pinnacle of style and taste.

I don't like it, but that's the way it is.*

Why don't I like it? Well, because it's bullshit revisionism. If you want to be retro about something, be retro about something that actually happened, maybe?** And in any case, why not just be optimistic and future oriented? Just sayin', but retro is really just an indicator of an inability to deal with the present...

I was browsing Google Images the other day and I came across the picture below and my whole world shook. My finely honed, post-future, eternal-twentieth-century bullshit sensor went crazy and yet I was clearly looking at a genuine mid '70s image!***

My self-belief was badly injured and my confidence was shattered. And the early '80s Buck Rogers future-fantasy world that I personally inhabit lay around me in smouldering radioactive ruins.****

I looked at that image and I thought, fuck, it actually happened, that whole mid '60s to mid 70's thing was real...

I slept very poorly that night. Toyah Wilcox came to me in a dream and told me I'd never own a gas-turbine powered motorcycle with a HUD...

So the following morning I reluctantly looked at the image again only to be struck by the realization that it was a shot from a fashion magazine. It's not real! It's just a bullshit fantasy after all!!

My confidence, self-belief and unwavering commitment to my early '80s fantasy-future world were restored.

Roll on the future!

*I'm glad I got that off my chest.
** I do understand that 'retro' and 'vintage' aren't the same thing.
*** You can tell it's authentic 'cos no one has any tattoos 
**** My personal early '80s Buck Rogers future-fantasy does that a lot actually.



#PostFutureEternalRetroFantasy #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Project KLR

How the fuck do you break an airbox?

I mean, think about it. It's right in the middle of the bike. In front of it, the engine. Above it, the seat. Behind it, the rear wheel. And all around it, the frame...

It baffles me how this bike can be simultaneously in surprisingly good condition and totally fucked up!

#KLR250 #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Torx

I fucking hate Torx.

They're fine on a washing machine or a toaster but they shouldn't be used on fucking motorcycles!

This used to be a Unior T40 Torx key. It was a quality bit of kit that I bought in an engineer's suppliers about 8 years ago. It's the main reason this post is so sweary... Note that the bolt in the image isn't the one that broke the tool. The one that broke the tool was totally fucked too.

   
Hex nuts and bolts are great. if you have an M8 bolt the widest diameter of the threaded part is 8mm. The hex head is generally 13mm across the flats and its about 15mm across the corners. The salient point of this is that when you apply force to the head of the bolt with a wrench, neither the tool nor the head of the bolt have a particularly stressful time because they're big and they have a mechanical advantage over the 8mm threaded part of the bolt. And so long as you use a wrench of reasonable quality and the correct size, everybody is happy.

Socket (Allen Key) bolts are great too. Your M8 Allen bolt uses a 6mm across the flats Allen key that's a little under 8mm across the corners. There is a slight mechanical disadvantage but both the head and the tool are pretty robust so provided you use a reasonably good quality tool, generally there's no problem. In addition to being reliable, Socket heads look really nice and can be used in areas where a hex head won't fit. Also, they can be sunk flush to the surface and this looks even nicer. I fucking love Allen bolts - especially stainless steel Allen bolts. Each and every one is little sparkly, magical unicorn-poop-diamond to me.

But fucking Torx!! I fucking hate Torx! A Torx tool is essentially similar to an Allen key except that a fair proportion of material has been removed from the tip of the tool making it substantially weaker. The bolt head has a corresponding amount of metal added to it which perversely makes it weaker too! This might seem counter intuitive but what happens is that all the force acts on the weakest part of the tool and the weakest part of the head and they just break each other to bits. It's a fucking stupid idea for high torque applications so if you happen to know the person who first thought of fitting one to a motorcycle, I'd appreciate if you punched him on the nose. Thanks.

So why all the ranting?

Well, I'm still working on my fucking Buell. It normally takes me between a half a day and a day to strip a motorcycle (even old, rusty abused motorcycles from the '70s), but every single bolt on this fucking bike is seized. Today's all-day twenty-minute job was stripping the hardware off the wheels so I can send them for powder coating. 

I can't bring myself to write about the details, but everything was difficult and everything took a lot of time and a series of escalating techniques. I've picked up a couple of small injuries and broken several tools not to mention some small collateral damage to stuff in the workshop.

The most annoying part was removing the Loc-Tited Torx bolts holding the brake rotors. In the end, I welded on lengths of 8mm steel rod to the heads of the bolts in lieu of breaking more tools. The combination of heat and leverage worked a treat.

Anyway, I prevailed and I'm off to the powder-coaters in the morning.

Welding on a lever has two advantages. Firstly, you can be reasonably sure its not going to slip off and secondly, the heat from the welding process cause bolt and the wheel hub expand and loosen their grip on one another. The bolt comes out with very little effort and a smooth buttery feel.

That's a lot of Loc-Tite. A brake rotor is a fucking service item - it should be removable without all this trauma!

This is a really useful technique. Obviously the bolts aren't in any condition to be reused, but everything else survived. The post-battle StarWars aesthetic will polish out with Scotchbrite.

Motherfuckers.

 *Apologies for all the swearing!



#Buell #Torx #MotorcycleWorkshop #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Rain

Yup, it's that kind of day. I don't normally complain about the rain - I just take it for granted that it's going to rain and if it doesn't, well, Bonus!

However it's been a very mild easy winter in Dublin and it hasn't rained for ages. I can't remember the last time it rained, but I've been blatting about very happily in just my leather jacket for the last few weeks.

So when I woke this morning I was a bit confused by all the greyness and rain, then my confusion gave way to a mild and gentle unhappiness...

I lived in Portugal for a while in the late '90s and I routinely went off on my bike for weekends in just a tee-shirt and jeans. No woolly sweater, no waterproofs, just a toothbrush and sleeping bag and a few bits and pieces. It was very liberating.

Upon my return I went to see my parents, neglecting to bring my waterproofs, and got stuck there for three day's 'til the rain let up... 

Lone Rider

This caused me to FP and SMFH at the same time, which is dangerous...

It's not so much the video - the video is obviously tongue-in-cheek and is well put together, even if it is in dubious taste. I quite liked the video. 

It demonstrates that the tent is quick and easy to erect and strike and that it's so desirable that all manner of gangsters will want to kill for it. (Presumably they want it to use as a headquarters for some kind of coup.)

What troubles me is the philosophy of taking a very heavy, expensive and complicated bike. Then adding lots of expensive and heavy extra bits to it. Then loading it up with lots of expensive goods and chattels (I have no fucking idea what goes in those Touratech cases). Then go somewhere where very poor people live.

Actually, in this context, a 6kg (13lb) tent with a built-in garage actually might makes sense...

*Why is the tent called Lone Rider, if it's so fucking big? SMFH

Harley Davidson at EICMA

It's been 12 years since Harley Davidson first leapt into the 1980's with their liquid cooled V Rod.

Now they're doing it again with the re-release of the Honda VT500E Ascot... no, wait...

2014 Harley Davidson Street 750 

1984 Honda VT500 Ascot

I find this video boring and confusing. It's boring 'cos it's 10 minutes long and it's confusing 'cos I can't understand what they're talking about and I'm baffled why the Astronautilus guy talks like Will Smith. If it was Will Smith talking I wouldn't be bored or confused 'cos Will would just tell it like it is.

He'd say -

"S'up y'all? This is the new 2014 Harley Davidson Street 500/750. It's a real Harley Davidson, but it's built for emerging markets so it's smaller, lighter and cheaper than y'all used to. And it be liquid cooled an'all 'cos in emerging markets, pollution, noise, performance and fuel economy are real important. We gonna release some in the 'States too 'cos we hope some Hipsters might like'em, but we not sho'..."

Then they'd cut to the bit of the video with the music and the shots of the bike. The whole experience would take about two minutes and people would say -"Tha's cool."
As it is, it's horseshit and even the people talking in the video clearly don't believe it.

-"It's tuned to handle any extreme cities across the globe."

What the fuck does that even mean?!! 

I dunno...

#HarleyDavidson #Street750 #EICMA #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

A Funny Thing Happened...

Since I bought the CBR1000F last October, I've driven it almost exclusively. From time to time I might go for a short ride on another bike (my own or someone else's) but for the most part I've just driven Big Honda. And I've modified and tweaked it a bit so that it's comfortable for me and it suits the way I ride. I've done 6 or 7,000 miles on the thing and I'm used to it.

So when I picked up the Africa Twin in Italy and took it for a test drive, I was shocked to find how rough it was. It vibrated, and the lumpy tyres made it bounce up and down at low speed. The bars were so light that there was no feedback. I could only get my toes on the ground. There were a thousand things different from the CBR and I couldn't believe that I'd ever considered it to be comfortable!

But I got used to it again. And I found it to be very comfortable. And I enjoyed the hell out of driving it home. In fact, it was so comfortable that I chose to drive it overnight for one long 22 hour day.

So on Monday, I went out on Big Honda to see my Mum. And I was very shocked to find that I hated the CBR! It was too long and too low and the suspension crashed over bumps in the road and the steering felt weird and heavy and I couldn't see over traffic. I hated it and it freaked me out - I was so freaked out that I considered pulling over to the side of the road and walking back home...

But I didn't. I drove out to see my Mum. And by the time it was time to go home again, it had turned back into the Big Friendly Honda that I love.

I had a similar experience with a rental Harley Davidson a few years back. I picked it up and I swear I've never been more terrified on a motorcycle*. It had the wooden brakes and the wallowing handling and all that stuff that you read about in British motorcycle magazines that are predominantly aimed at sportsbike riders. And it weighed 360kg dry! It was monsterous.

Anyway, I soon got used to it (mostly) and I had a fantastic trip and some new experiences and a week later, I was genuinely sad to give it back. I'd really grown to love it.

I guess the point of all this, if there is a point at all, is I think there's too much narrow-minded tribalism in motorcycling. This is particularly true in Ireland and I think it applies to the UK as well. The motorcycle press tends to be divisive and if you're in the business of Sportsbikes its easy to laugh at Harleys. And if Custom Bikes are your scene 'Jap Crap' and 'Crotch Rockets' are anathema to that. It's a divide and conquer thing I guess...

So consequently sportsbike riders judge everything in terms of power, braking and handling and tend to be disdainful of say, roadsters or vintage bikes. Harley types tend to buy into all that horseshit about 'Righteousness' and 'Heritage'. And the ROSPA types on their BMWs and Pan Europeans tend to look down on everyone else for riding dangerously.

Fuck that! Life is short.

But it's wide.

Try different bikes, try new things. If you ride a Harley exclusively, well try a trackday or go trailriding. If you ride a sportsbike, go touring. If you're a ROSPA type, take of your hi-viz, turn off your headlight and try a chopper...

*Except maybe that one time in Madrid...


#LifeIsShort #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage

Adventure Stunt Touring

What the fuck?

That's right! For people who don't have the attention span to watch a clip about adventure biking, let alone do some actual adventure biking...

Some horseshit about Butch and Sundance and some stunts. I like stunting and I like adventure biking but this is pretentious, shallow and cynical.

FFS Dude, lay off the Red Bull!

#AaronColton #MotorcycleBolivia #Mercenary #MercenaryGarage