Soapy Showbiz Fun: ‘Hollywood Wives’ 1985

 

Jackie Collins' "Hollywood Wives" was a mini-series hit for ABC in 1985.

Hollywood Wives was Jackie Collins’ most popular novel, of the many that she churned out for decades. With Dynasty then riding high on TV with Jackie’s sister Joan, producer Aaron Spelling snapped up the bestseller for a 1985 ABC mini-series. Like the book, Wives got bad reviews but was a big ratings hit.

I recall reading an interview with Jackie Collins, claiming that her showbiz stories were more authentic because she was part of the Hollywood scene, as opposed to outsider writers looking in. Maybe, but Jackie’s books were still one-dimensional, with little credibility. I love a good trashy read about the rich and famous and Jackie Susann’s Valley of the Dolls set the dirty suds standard. Hollywood columnist Joyce Haber’s The Users, which Collins pilfered the main plot for her Hollywood Wives, was much more realistic and sleazy. Dominick Dunne wrote page-turners that were much more juicy and authentic.

Did the costumes of "Hollywood Wives" get mixed up with those of "Golden Girls?"

A big reason for watching Hollywood Wives was the clothes. At his peak, designer Nolan Miller was hailed as an arbiter of old-time Hollywood glamour. When Dynasty came along, he and Joan Collins had a field day with increasingly over the top costumes. It set the style dial of the ‘80s, which was “Glitz is good.” Well, none of that has aged well. Miller’s glam outfits from that era look more drag queen than the real diva deal. Miller’s strong suit was dressing aging icons simply, like Barbara Stanwyck and Elizabeth Taylor, rather than his gaudy soap stars. Nearly all the power-dressing outfits of Hollywood Wives are laughably ugly: Shoulder pads galore, tassels and beads, oversized tops and gaudy sequined gowns, and so much more, more, more. As for the hair styles, it’s amusing to guess which star, male and female, are wearing their own hair, or sporting a wig, weave, or rug!

Nolan Miller's gown for "Hollywood Wives" seems inspired by a NYC taxi seat cover!

Laura Branigan’s convulsive wailing tries to bring pathos to the on the nose lyrics of the Hollywood Wives theme. Warning: If you listen, you’ll have this Tinseltown tune in your head for days! A mix of a cautionary tale (the pitfalls of Hollywood!) and fairytale (young newcomers get makeovers and movie offers by pure chance), all of it highly unbelievable. The villains are crass and cartoonish: the self-promoting producer, the high-class pimp, the scheming star, and the sleazy bottom feeders.

Here's the ear worm theme song from Hollywood Wives! Have a hair brush handy so you can sing along!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toZEvmbevw4

***As few spoilers as possible ahead***

I will say this: though some cast members are miscast or their talents were modest, everyone tries their best. The bad writing keeps the story from being a real show biz expose. That said, Hollywood Wives is trashy fun on a soap opera level.

Robert Stack gets the '80s glam look as George Lancaster in "Hollywood Wives."

Robert Stack plays revered icon George Lancaster, a star who’s considering a coming out of retirement for a hot property, Final Reunion. At least they didn't name him Kirk Lancaster! And Steve Forrest plays a former movie idol desperate for a comeback—sorry, a return—Ross Conti. It's typical of this type of mini-series that B actors turned TV stars are cast as legendary movie stars. Robert Stack is a Kirk/Burt type of actor, Steve Forrest is a Tony Curtis type heart throb whose career is suffering from hardening of the arteries.

Steve Forrest and Robert Stack admire each other's "work" in "Hollywood Wives."

Stack was always a stiff actor and here, Bob is given the ‘80s makeover, with fluffy, highlighted hair, and face-lifted mug full of makeup. He reminds me a Madame Tussaud wax figure, with his booming voice adding to the disembodied effect. Forrest has more fun as the aging matinee idol seeking assurance from everyone, and the only self-reflection he seeks comes from his mirror. Steve Forrest is five years past his hunky “Uncle Greg” in Mommie Dearest and still looks pretty good, though he looks like he’s had work done along the way.

Steve Forrest is amusing as aging movie hunk Ross Conti in "Hollywood Wives."

Candice Bergen as Elaine Conti, in gowns that look like coverups, "Hollywood Wives."

Candice Bergen is sympathetic but miscast as Elaine Conti, longsuffering wife of aging star Ross Conti. Bergen is gorgeous at 38, smart, sexy, loving, etc. Why would her wife put up with a 60 year old man-baby like Forrest's Ross? Also, Bergen’s Elaine should probably be Ross' second, younger wife, but she's made to act like the typical Hollywood first wife. Bergen, still looking model trim and beautiful, is stuck wearing some baggy, bulky monstrosities. And what's with that mullet in the first party scene? In casual wear, Candy looks stunning and subtle, hardly the desperate Hollywood housewife.

Candice Bergen looks like her gorgeous younger self in more casual moments
of 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Frances Bergen, Candice's equally gorgeous mom, as Pamela Lancaster.

Frances Bergen plays Pamela, George Lancaster's new wife. One look at ageless beauty Frances and you’ll know where Candice got her damned classy good looks and hair!

Mary Crosby is a willful Hollywood daughter in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Mary Crosby as Karen Lancaster, the bad girl who’s really good deep down, was quite good at playing sultry vixens. Crosby’s Karen and Stack’s star have one of the most icky daughter-father confrontations ever, but hey, it works for them! Also unfortunate are Crosby and Suzanne Somers as the show’s femme fatales, who are over-dressed, over-tressed, and over-tarted up.

Suzanne Somers is fictional movie sex symbol Gina Germaine, interviewed by
Mary Hart of "Entertainment Tonight," in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Suzanne Somers is Gina Germaine, "the most beautiful, sensuous sex symbol in the United States today," proclaims Entertainment Tonight interviewer Mary Hart. Even in 1985, that wasn’t true! Somers is a latter day Monroe blonde bombshell, who wants to be taken seriously, with her eye on a role in Final Reunion. Somers’ response to Hart seems like a sly dig at Three's Company: "Sex symbols are for television series."

Anthony Hopkins is director Neil Gray, whose sobriety and fidelity fails him
under pressure, in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

"When you have no taste, you can do anything," uttered by Anthony Hopkins, his explanation for slumming here? Hopkins plays Neil Gray, the uncompromising director of Final Reunion, until Somers’ Gina gets him in some compromising positions!

Stephanie Powers as Montana Gray, screenwriter with integrity, but still glam,
in 1985's ABC mini-series "Hollywood Wives."

Stephanie Powers is screenwriter Montana Gray, Neil’s wife. Oh, and the writer for Final Reunion. Though her character sneers at Hollywood ways, whose name sounds like a cowboy star, yet Montana looks like a typical Hollywood diva. Despite the artifice, Powers plays with her usual no-nonsense style and doesn’t let the “Big ‘80s” look take over her own fashion style.

Joanna Cassidy as Marilee Gray, member of the first wives club in 1985's "Hollywood
 Wives." Cassidy's a redhead so she gets the shamrock green gown and Bergen rocks
a blue breast plate. Candice also sports a Joe Dirt mullet here!

Joanna Cassidy is Marilee Gray, an ex-Hollywood wife of director Neil. She’s smart, pragmatic, and has great taste in boy toys. Cassidy looks lovely here and feels the most authentic of the bunch in Hollywood Wives.

Rod Steiger, who never met a rug he didn't like, plays Oliver Easterne, blowhard
 movie producer, from 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Rod Steiger overplays the self-aggrandizing movie producer, Oliver Easterne—surprised? Oliver gleefully uses Final Reunion as the proverbial carrot to dangle in front of all interested parties. Steiger’s character is humorously crass and he brays his lines, like the male Shelley Winters he is!

Angie Dickinson is no-nonsense talent agent Sadie LaSalle in "Hollywood Wives."

Angie Dickinson is Sadie LaSalle, the tough, top talent agent who holds a grudge against Ross Conti, when he burned her decades ago. Though Angie is stuck in similar potato sack costumes as Candice Bergen, her hair and makeup are far simpler than her tawdry Police Woman days. She looks lovely here at 54.

Roddy McDowall multi-tasks as an interior decorator and pimp, Jason Swandle,
in 1985's ABC mini-series, "Hollywood Wives."

Roddy McDowall plays interior decorator AND pimp Jason Swandle, finding young men for lonely ladies. Roddy plays him in his usual hammy way. The facial tics and vacillating between creepy charm and passive/aggressive threats made me wonder: Did Roddy and Anthony Perkins ever star in a movie together?

Andrew Stevens as Buddy Hudson, getting the Sadie LaSalle build-up in 1985's
ABC mini-series, "Hollywood Wives."

Andrew Stevens is Buddy Hudson, an aspiring actor, once a male prostitute. Stevens is square-jawed and plays the soap opera scenes with surface skill. But when his character wishes to be taken seriously, it’s an eye roll. Andrew Stevens is cute as button and a square-jawed Ken Doll, but not the next Al Pacino, as Buddy is described! Yes, he too hopes to get his big break in Final Reunion. Catherine Mary Stewart as Angel Hudson was a fairly icky ‘80s ingénue but she fits right in Hollywood Wives. She has the good luck to be discovered at the beach by creeper producer Oliver Easterne, who thinks she’d be perfect for Nicki in Final Reunion.

Catherine Mary Stewart plays naive Angel Hudson in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

From the other side of the showbiz lens is Deke, at home watching a Hollywood gala on TV with most of these characters. He is also going berserk since he has found out that he was given up for adoption from some showbiz bigwig. Apparently a problem child, Deke turns into Mr. Hyde toward his sugary sweet adoptive parents. Deke, as the bad apple twin, is bizarrely played by Andrew Stevens. Why is he nuts? Why does he look like Lon Chaney's The Wolfman? Why does he limp? Why does he talk in a gravelly New York City accent? Why is his skin chalky white, with brown smudges? Since this is Hollywood Wives, why ask why?! Aside from knowing that he was adopted, Deke didn’t get Buddy Hudson’s blue eyes, better hair, and charming personality.

Andrew Stevens also plays (awfully) Deke, Buddy Hudson's secret twin in
1985's "Hollywood Wives." Is Lon Chaney, Jr. deranged Deke's secret father?

Though Deke wreaks havoc along the way to Hollywood to take revenge, the inept scenes with this psycho and victims are unintentionally hilarious. The worst is the first, with his adopted parents, who get the most fake beat downs and stabbing deaths ever.

I’m not even going to try to explain the convoluted plot of Hollywood Wives, except that it leaves no showbiz cliché unchecked! Basically, just about everyone involved, directly or indirectly, wants a piece of Final Reunion. Naturally, there is no synopsis given for this brilliant story—not from the writer of Hollywood Wives! The fun is watching the lengths the characters will go to get a role, for themselves or a spouse. There are even more male bimbos in this movie than women, which reflects its intended audience, women and gays. The pool boy, the tennis player, the waiters, etc.—choose your flavor!

Candice Bergen's Elaine may be the only one of "Hollywood Wives" who's so easily satisfied by an ungrateful husband with flowers! With Steven Forrest as Ross.

Most of my favorite moments happen to be the most ludicrous. Deranged Deke hitching to Hollywood, Rod Steiger’s inappropriate producer, and especially Gina Germaine’s scheming to get a coveted movie role.

"Jane Fonda got serious, why can't I?" Was Suzanne Somers writing her own dialogue as Gina Germaine? Gina wants the role of young ingénue Nicki in Final Reunion. Suzanne’s tawdry bombshell hardly fits the part. Somers sports a shit ton of makeup and the most platinum, unruly perm I’ve seen since Connie Stevens ‘70s Brillo shag! One unkind but accurate critic commented that Suzanne in Hollywood Wives looks like Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner!

You can tell Suzanne Somers is the vixen in 1985's "Hollywood Wives," because
she's seductively brushing her locks as Gina Germaine plots and schemes!

I never thought Suzanne Somers was a beauty, but her mobile features, capped with big, childlike blue eyes, reminded me a bit of Goldie Hawn. Even their voices are similar. Suzanne plays the scheming star in a likable fashion. Gina Germaine is a vision in yellow terrycloth as she lies in wait down Palm Beach way, where director Neil Gray is there for talks with George Lancaster about Final Reunion. Gina is willing to roll in the hotel hay for a role in this “serious” film. Neil has had two beautiful wives, but finds mop-topped Suzanne irresistible. Soon, stocky, dour Anthony Hopkins is making hot jungle love to Somers’ Gina. It gets better when they happen to be on the same flight home and she initiates him into the mile high club—by the coffee machines—guess the restrooms were busy! Googly-eyed Suzanne and owlish Anthony make a comic couple!

Stephanie Powers as Montana Gray, at hubby Neil's funeral, in "Hollywood Wives."
 This must have cut close to the bone for Powers, who had just lost
long-time companion William Holden three years prior.

And the guessing game of who are the natural parents of Deke (and Buddy) comes to a ludicrous finale. Though no attention is given to the trail of bodies that Deke has left across the USA, it made me think of a later real life celebrity-obsessed psychotic, Andrew Cunanan, who capped his killing spree with shooting Gianni Versace on his doorstep.

I’m surprised nobody has remade Hollywood Wives, since the showbiz game hasn’t changed a bit. The stakes are just higher and the class level of today’s participants even lower. Let’s just enjoy the soapy, sleazy ‘80s Hollywood Wives!

Steve Forrest as Ross Conti, getting the Sadie LaSalle build-up before he gave her
the brush-off, in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

The Divas of ‘Dynasty’ 1981-89

'80s Ladies: 'Dynasty' stars Linda Evans, Pamela Bellwood, Heather Locklear, Pamela Martin, & Joan Collins.

FYI: I put all the movie overflow on my public FB  movie page. 

Check it out & join!  https://www.facebook.com/groups/178488909366865/

Part 2 of a 3 Part Series

Despite the ever-changing ensemble Dynasty cast, the women of Dynasty are what made the show must-see TV, specifically, the mature stars: Joan Collins, Linda Evans, Diahann Carroll, and Stephanie Beacham.

Clothes & character: Pristine white for pure Krystle, beige for good/bad Dominique, & pure black for evil Alexis.

Dynasty, Dallas, Falcon Crest, Knot’s Landing, and other soaps all gave female stars over 40 the chance to strut their stuff and sink their teeth into juicy roles. Still, I find it funny that Joan Collins, in recent interviews, claims that her signature role Alexis wasn’t just a bitch, but a strong, independent woman. Alexis, who deliberately caused Krystle to lose her baby, went along with a plan to poison Jeff, slept with Blake’s adversaries to one-up him, and was hell-bent on destroying her ex-husband for divorcing her, though she was repeatedly unfaithful to him. That’s just for starters. Strong? Sure. Role model? Hardly.

The windswept big hair looked lovely on Linda, a change from her faux Farrah do as Krystle, but it didn't last long!

Linda Evans, as Krystle Carrington, was perfect casting as the Denver Cinderella. Angie Dickinson was apparently first choice, but she was too street smart for too good to be true Krystle. Angie was also over a decade older than Linda, two years older than Joan Collins, and Krystle was supposed to be the second, younger wife. Blake wouldn’t have picked a 50+ secretary as his trophy bride. However, Angie might have made a great Alexis! Evans had no great range as an actress, but she was sincere, warm, spirited, and bright. At nearly 40, Linda Evans was also a striking beauty, with glowing blue eyes. When designer Nolan Miller was at his best, Linda wore simple, sleek, sporty outfits that showcased her athletic figure and character’s straightforward personality. In the more believable moments of Krystle’s character, like losing her baby, Evans is effortlessly believable and genuinely touching. Most of all, Linda’s rapport with co-star and TV husband John Forsythe grounded the show in its soap opera reality.

Nolan Miller with two of his favorite stars,
Linda Evans & Barbara Stanwyck.

Still, Linda’s limitations as an actress were apparent in Season 6 of Dynasty with the crazy Krystle kidnapping storyline. Aside from absurd George Hamilton inspiring hilarity instead of fear as the crazed kidnapper, there’s petulant Heather Locklear as Sammy Jo, still learning to act. Then there’s poor Linda, as Rita, the world’s oldest aspiring starlet. The huge red wig, brassy makeup, and tacky outfits make Linda look like a cross between Tootsie, Caitlyn Jenner, and Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, all rolled into one. The group attempt to groom Rita into Krystle is like watching an old Batman episode.

Mastermind Sammy Jo plants the idea to "Rita" about impersonating Krystle. Evans looks like a female impersonator!

'Rita' looks more like Kaitlyn than Krystle!

'Rita' on the Swayze train?!

Dynasty’s greatest feat was turning Joan Collins into a genuine star at nearly 50. As Alexis, Collins’ flair for bitchy comedy was a perfect contrast to Evans’ sincere Krystle. Collins’ broad dramatic acting was perfect as the soap became more camp, but she was also able to tone it down when needed. It was only when Joan had to express genuine emotion, like when daughter Fallon is thought dead that Collins is a bit flat. Empathy was never Joan’s strong suit as an actress.

The quest for the perfect Krystle includes a nose job, which makes Evans look even more bizarre!

I have a name, too. It's Krystle, capital K-R-Y-S-T-L-E!

Pictures of Joan as the early Alexis makes me think of Cher’s comments about her own early days on TV, when there was no budget for extra beads and sequins! Collins’ ex-Carrington makes due on $250 grand a year, so she wears filmy frocks and peasant blouses for her first season. Once Alexis becomes a bride and wealthy widow, then Dynasty’s ratings soared, and that is when Collins’ Mrs. Colby’s couture suddenly goes cuckoo.

Joan Collins in her prime as stylish siren Alexis.

Joan Collins became fur-ocious as Alex, flaunting a flurry of furs, hats, and even muffs.
At times, Alexis is so engulfed by fur, she looks like Denver's Catherine the Great!

Alexis, a big wig in jail!

Alexis out of her mind with grief, in her own hair!

Early Alexis, with more face, and less war paint!

I’m in the minority here, but I prefer Joan’s makeup as the early Alexis. For one, you can actually see Collins’ eyes! Most of all, though she’s not makeup-free, you can see that Joan Collins looks like as a beautiful, mature woman. As the seasons go by, Joan starts going the Joan Crawford route, painting on makeup outside the lines. Also, Joan’s own hair is seldom seen again, replaced by increasingly elaborate wigs.

Here, latter day Alexis looks like a cross between mid-life Mame or Fanny Skeffington!

Two moments that put Collins on the map as the female J.R. Ewing, from her first season. The first was the most chilling, when Alexis deliberately firing her skeet rifle to trigger pregnant Krystle’s bumpy horseback ride. And Alexis shows almost zero remorse! The other is Alexis’ hospital bedside wedding to Blake’s adversary, Cecil Colby, who has great wealth and a poor heart.

Diahann Carroll as Dominique Deveraux, fierce & fabulous as TV's first black soap diva!

Diahann Carroll, who approached the show to be cast, in her own words, as television’s “first black bitch,” was inspired casting as Dominique Deveraux. The singer/actress, who aged beautifully until her recent death, was in fine form in her 50s. Carroll looked like a million as the willful Dominique, and her fierce emoting at times reminded me of latter day Lena Horne’s performing style. Carroll got some juicy story lines and she gave it her all as yet another long-lost Carrington. Dominique wasn’t truly a bitch, like Alexis. But Carroll’s character was fiery, blunt, and determined. As for her style, Carroll had the face and figure to more than hold her own with Evans and Collins. With those huge brown eyes, cheekbones, and pouty mouth, Dominique was a diva to be reckoned with.

Diahann looking divine!

Stephanie Beacham as Sable isn’t one of my favorite characters, though I realize she won a lot of fans on Dynasty and The Colbys. Beacham certainly gave Sable brisk energy, embraced the show’s house style, and had the body and hair to go big. Beacham was certainly brittle as the often snarky Sable and snapped her lines like celery stalks!

Stephanie Beacham chic as Sable.

When I originally watched Dynasty, I thought Pamela Sue Martin was light weight as rebel daughter Fallon. Maybe that’s because I never saw Emma Samms’ take on Fallon, until recently. By today’s standards, Martin’s glamour and acting feels more natural than the rest of the female cast. She’s smart and up to the bitchy princess attitude. Still, I like her better when she accepts Krystle and acts like a normal person. Martin navigated her character from flippant to flirty to bitchy and bratty very well. Martin’s rapport with her TV family seemed genuine, which is key to this type of show. While I used to like Samms on General Hospital, the writers had made Samms’s Fallon weepy and whiny. Her inexplicable British accent didn’t help, either.

Pamela Sue Martin as Fallon, sorting her feelings in the family tree. See, rich people are just like us, underneath it all!

First Fallon and the replacement model. 

Emma Samms, who filled out the role
of Fallon only physically.

Who wore Fallon’s famed glittering red dress best? Well, Emma Samms definitely filled it out better, but didn’t play Fallon’s part better! Samms actually resembled a kewpie doll version of Elizabeth Taylor. Then there was Susan Scannell’s darling Nicki—the unfortunately named Nicole Simpson! With her red hair and kewpie doll makeup, Nicki “surprised” Jeff by trying on departed Fallon’s baubles and sequins. Even more hilarious is when Blake was gifted a portrait of Fallon wearing that glitzy red dress, only later to have Pamela Sue Martin’s head replaced with that of Emma Samms. Emma was left with Martin’s waifish body, and robbed of her bodacious bosom!

Nikki, aka Nicole Simpson!, has a 'Rebecca'
moment when she tries on the first wife's dress!

That dress made the rounds!

Sammy Jo arrives at the Carrington's Denver mansion, apparently from Hazzard County!

Krystle’s niece, Sammy Jo, was first depicted as a free-spirit with rough edges. She arrives at the Carrington manse for her introduction in hot pants (inappropriate to meet a millionaire, unless he’s Jeffery Epstein) and later slides down the banister in spandex pants. Sammy Ho, as we used call her, also has the appetite of a truck driver, and about the only one who ever really ate from the Carrington breakfast buffet. I rolled my eyes when she squeezes two big sausages into a single bun, and into her mouth, which about sums up Sammy’s appetites. Later, when she reveals her claws as sort of a countrified Alexis, Sammy Jo memorably barks out orders to bring her the financial paperwork AND a grilled ham and cheese—her fave!

Sammy Jo takes time out from scheming with a movie rag and grilled ham and cheese!

Heather Locklear as Sammy Jo was truly awful in her first seasons as the hillbilly hussy. Her early line readings were utterly amateurish and sounded dubbed, to boot. I recall reading that ABC bosses strongly urged Heather to take acting lessons. Whatever the case, Heather Locklear became a better bitch as the show went on, and Sammy Jo eventually became more sympathetic. Later, a much improved Locklear showed her comic chops on Spin City and then was a hit as head bitch Amanda on Melrose Place.

That's one way to clean a banister, with Spandex!

Pamela Bellwood was actually very good as Claudia Blaisdel, wife of oil wildcatter and one-time employee of Blake Carrington, Matthew Blaisdel. But frankly, the character of neurotic Claudia should have disappeared with Matthew and her daughter. Bellwood’s earnest emoting was more in keeping with the original show. Keeping Pamela and trying to remake her in the show’s later stylized image was like casting Sandy Dennis in a glamour role!

Pamela Bellwood played Claudia Blaisdel, the resident crazy lady of 'Dynasty.'

Ali MacGraw probably wasn’t the best fit for Dynasty, hence her character’s demise in the Moldavian massacre. I’ve never thought MacGraw was much of an actress. So, I was pleasantly surprised that her low-key, sophisticated, amused presence was refreshing, in contrast to Nolan Miller’s drag queen show. MacGraw, as Lady Ashley, was brought in the 5^th season, just as Rock Hudson joined in, both to tempt Blake and Krystle away from their wedding vows. Frankly, I didn’t think either new character was up to the task. But I did like Ali’s natural acting, not attempting to go over-the-top, which was now Dynasty’s house style. I also like that she remained simply dressed and coiffed. Also entertaining is Lady Ashley’s amused interactions with Alexis, which was also a change of pace. Sadly, MacGraw’s Lady Ashley was one of the few characters eliminated, when hers is one of the few that should have lived!

Ali MacGraw was classy but even more short-lived
on 'Dynasty' than she was in 'Love Story!'

Kate O’ Mara as Alexis’ sister Cassie, aka ‘Caress,’ certainly has a fine old campy time sparring with Collins. I find O’Mara rather creepy, her eyebrows aloft like a Star Trek femme fatale, eyes wider apart than even Collins, and that husky voice, all makes me think she would have made a great Vera Charles!

Kate O' Mara as Caress, who was Alexis' crass tell-all sister.

The less said about Kathleen Beller as Kirby, the better. It’s not totally Beller’s fault that Kirby is one of the most annoying characters written for Dynasty. Still, Beller doesn’t help matters. She goes from simpering and coy to whiny and annoying. Kirby, who’s supposed to have had a crush on Jeff since childhood, instantly wants to marry him upon arrival at the Carrington manse. Despite the fact Jeff is still in love with estranged Fallon, and they have a baby together, Kirby throws herself at him. Just thinking about how Kirby goes from Jeff to creepy rapist Adam Carrington is just too tiresome to think about, much less repeat. Let’s just say that Kirby’s departure was a welcome one.

If wide-eyed servant's daughter Kirby, returning to the employer's mansion was supposed to harken 'Sabrina,' 'Dynasty' writers were sadly mistaken!

Catherine Oxenberg plays Amanda—the secret Carrington daughter who becomes Princess of Moldavia for a hot minute—with two expressions, a pained pout or a sullen smirk. Oxenberg looked like the recently wed Princess Diana—that is, if she had been painted by Thomas Kinkade—who went on to play the real princess in a made-for-TV movie. Catherine was swiftly fired when she asked for a raise.

Catherine Oxenberg as Amanda, wondering if the title Princess is worth looking at a mullet!

As for the other Dynasty dolls, they were either misused, like Deborah Adair or Terri Garber, or just dull starlets like Karen Cellini or Traci Scoggins. The best of the Dynasty divas got to sport big hair and emotions, wear flashy clothes with attitude, and generally have a ball.

When Sammy Jo's super model career went south, she reunited with The Fabulous Carrington Boys!