Showing posts with label Conspiracy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conspiracy. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Public Enemy - Muse Sick-n-Hour Mess Age (1994)


Muse Sick-n-Hour Mess Age was released in 1994. This was a post "The Chronic" world and rap glorifying drug use and violence was already the status quo for a couple years. PE was considered "old" and "corny" by most fans of the genre and the bad reviews started flowing in before the album even came out. The decline of PE in the eyes of the record buying public happened so fast. The switch from party rap and political hip hop dominating the charts to the overwhelming rise and popularity of so called "gangsta rap" happened in the blink of an eye. It's almost as if the prison industrial complex and high level music executives had a secret meeting to  calculate the gangsta rap trend, fill up prisons and make a quick buck!  That's crazy though. That would never happen in our pure white America!

Here's the facts ("facts" being used loosely):
  • People slept on this album when it came out which caused it to not have much of a legacy.
  • People are fucking stupid and this album is THE BEST, ANGRIEST, most listenable Public Enemy album. (Challop)
  • It's heavy as fuck.
  • Chuck D's "message" is still as relevant today as it was in 1994 if not more so. His delivery is straight up fierce on this album. 
  • This is Flavor Flav's best work! (Challop)
  • This is the most GROWN up PE record, as they grew out of their sexism and gay-baiting lyrics of the previous releases. They learned from their mistakes and made better music.

Seriously, and I know I will get shit for this, I enjoy later-period PE more than the early shit. The Bomb Squad's "throw everything at the wall" style of production just has not aged well. See also Ice Cube's AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted. 

Bottom line: don't be like the great unwashed masses and sleep on this album. The songs are awesome, the music is powerful, heavy, funky and FUNNY. It's their masterpiece as far as I'm concerned. PE still had it in '94 no matter what the music press wants you to believe. Also check out that beautiful cover!



Friday, April 27, 2012

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE


OK, maybe not.
I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.
But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.



Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:


What a freak.
Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:


CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

Be there.
Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.
Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.
Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.
Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).
Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).
Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).
And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!


"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

T-SHIRTS, TOURS, DOOM, ETC... (The IllCon Empire Never Sleeps)


ATTENTION HESSIAN MINIONS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION NEEDS YOUR HELP!

First off, you can "help out" ol' Uncle Cobras by tuning in to the Hand Ov Doom show on Emerson College radio tonight, where I'll be appearing to discuss conspiracy theories, metal, conspiracy theories in metal, and all things great and small pertaining to the IllCon Universe. The show streams live 5-7pm PST (that's 8-10 EST, dummies) right HERE, then goes up in podcast form (via Metal Injection.com) right HERE. While you're at it, why don't you "help out" Metal Injection too, by heading over to iTunes and subscribing to their entire podcast roster, which includes not only Hand Ov Doom but a veritable multitude of excellent metal-oriented broadcasts as well: Metal Injection podcasts on iTunes!

Secondly, we implore the more artistically-minded amongst our dear readers and listeners to help us out with yet another podcast/radio-related item--of course, I'm speaking of the IllCon Radio T-Shirt Design Contest!
This really cool bro from Rochester, NY's own HTB Press has put an offer on the table in regards to producing some IC Radio-themed garb, and we're fully stoked on making it happen. The only problem: WE SUCK AT DRAWING THINGS. Can you draw good? Are you a fan of the show? Would you be interested in seeing your very own alien-smoking-a-bong-on-the-back-of-a-unicorn design emblazoned on the front of an IllCon Radio shirt, and would you be psyched to receive said shirt, for FREE, in the mail? Well shit, dude. The address is illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. What the fuck are you waiting for? We'll accept sketches, written ideas, scribbles on bar napkins... Whatever. Let's do this.

Thirdly (and most important): Let's hook up some Apocryphon dates for this summer! If you're an Illogical Contraption reader, you're also undoubtedly an Apocryphon listener, so how 'bout you help out your favorite psychedelic deathgrind homies with a couple tips on booking West Coast dates? We've only got a couple small windows of opportunity to get out of town this June, and the specific dates we're looking to book are as follows:

- Thursday, June 7th: Eureka/Arcata, CA
- Friday, June 8th: Portland, OR
- Saturday, June 9th: Seattle, WA

- Friday, June 22nd: Los Angeles, CA
- Saturday, June 23rd: San Diego, CA

Do you live in any of these places? Where are all the metal-friendly venues and easy women? Who has the cheapest booze? WE WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU. Let's make it happen!
Again, illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com, or check us out (if you haven't already) on Bandcamp/Facebook/Last.FM. (Groovy DALTON news coming up in June as well, stay tuned...)

Speaking of epic tours:


This Friday...


Apocryphon is slated to devastate "The Dank Room" in Vallejo on 4/20, along with Short Fuse, Ill Content, Viral, and ZombieDeathFuck (Newtdick dropped off this one). Facebook "event page" HERE.

Then, Saturday:


Back up to the 'ol hometown (namely The Alibi in Arcata) for a night of cacophonous, sludgy, schizophrenic chaos with our best bros Hazzard's Cure. NOT TO BE MISSED.


Thanks again for your encouragement and support in all things IllCon. We'll be seeing you out on the road soon!

Friday, March 9, 2012

ALL HAIL THE ANDROMEDA COUNCIL



May the Gods bless our protectors over at The Andromeda Council. These guys work day in and day out to protect us from the combined Draco-Reptilian/Orion-Grey 4th Dimensional forces that are constantly seeking to infiltrate our government and consciousness, and news has just surfaced that they've struck what is possibly the greatest blow in known history to the alien forces just last month, as reported over at Exopolitics.

To quote the official story: In an exclusive ExopoliticsTV interview by Alfred Lambremont Webre with a human representative-contactee of the extraterrestrial governance council known as the Andromeda Council it has been revealed that the war of liberation against a 4th dimensional Orion grey and Draco reptilian alliance has been won by the forces of the Andromeda Council as of the 3rd quarter of 2011. The attempted the occupation of Earth, our moon and Mars by this grey-Reptilian alliance is over. The defeated grey-reptilian forces have been sent via stargate into the far reaches of our universe.
The Andromeda Council representative states in his ExopoliticsTV interview that the forces of the 4th dimensional Orion grey and Draco reptilian forces that remain on Earth consist of small pockets of isolated forces around such as Washington, DC.




According to the Andromeda Council representative, the defeat of the Orion grey and Reptilian occupation force on Earth, moon and Mars has the effect of leaving the Illuminati and Annunaki power structure on Earth, moon and Mars without any effective 4th dimensional back-up. Any attempt by the remaining grey and reptilian forces to assist Illuminati “false flag ET invasion” will be defeated, and any false flag ET invasion will fail.


The entire interview can be seen HERE!



Praise Odin!

As you've probably noticed, all the seismic activity and intergalactic intrigue reported above happened back in August of last year. But it is my distinct honor to announce that The Andromeda Council won another major battle the day after Valentine's Day this year, and it looks as if the very last of the Draco-Reptilian/Orion-Grey agents have been banished, once and for all, back to the 4th Dimension!
Rejoice!

The video shown below should sum it all up nicely:



Speaking of reptilian overlords:


Pool Party Radio Episode 48: Reptilian Overlords, featuring none other than yours truly, Dr. Shelby "Razorblades" Cobras, is now available for your perusal. Get it off the PP blog in raw mp3 form (link above), or just find Pool Party right here on the 'ol iTunes. Subscribe to them forthwith, because they are great dudes with large penises. Subject matter covered by Parker, Frisbie, and myself includes high candy prices at the movie theater, sea lions staging Occupy protests in the streets of SF, Adele's cannibalism, JuggaloBook, and Julian Sands (again). Not to mention, you know, the reptilians and what have you...

SPEAKING of podcasts and large penises, IllCon Radio (Episode 26!) goes live once again this evening from 10pm-midnight over at FCCFreeRadio.com, where we will be joined by THIS esteemed co-host:

Call in at (415)829-2980 and provide us with sex advice!

Speaking of which, our esteemed co-host was interviewed over at our best Bro JGD's spot The Living Doorway earlier today, so go check that out. Speaking of which, JGD will be calling into the show as well. Incestuous enough for you yet? I feel sorry for the poor sap that'll have to mop up the jizz in Studio 1A after this particular stroke-fest!

Speaking of IC Radio and rampant incest, we have some really amazing guests, interviews, events, and random wackiness approaching in the near future. Nothing I'm authorized to "officially" speak about yet, though. So stay tuned...

Until then, enjoy this awesome video of everyone's favorite Hessian Ryan Adams playing a heartfelt cover of "Wasted Years":


Thursday, March 8, 2012

THE IRON BUTTERFLY CONSPIRACY

Iron Butterfly, mid 70's. Philip Taylor Kramer pictured at far left.

I doubt that anyone with any sort of passing knowledge of music history doesn't know who Iron Butterfly is ("In-A-Gadda-Da-Vidda"?), so I'll hop right into the meat of this story without too much preamble. Let it simply be known that despite the fact that they produced only one hit song, Butterfly has existed in one form or another, on and off, for over 45 years now, experiencing probably double-to-triple as many lineup changes as IllCon stand-bys like Incantation or Napalm Death, all the while completely avoiding record industry trappings like "record sales" or "critical acclaim". They peaked in 1969, my friends, no secret there, but have managed to cling to life, like a horde of burnout zombies, ever since.
Today's story is only tangentially related to the band itself, insofar as it revolves around a dude (Philip Taylor Kramer, pictured above right with the sick pink Warlock) who played bass, sang, and played keyboards for the band for only 3 years (1974-'77), appearing on only two critically-panned albums (Scorching Beauty and Sun And Steel, both released in 1975). Taylor's story is a zany and mysterious one, and one that I was completely unfamiliar with until last week's episode of IllCon Radio (thanks to caller "Floyd from Arkansas" for the tip).

Philip Taylor Kramer's life story is speckled with high weirdness and scientific anomaly, to the point that his stint in Iron Butterfly remains a mere footnote. After his departure from the group, he acquired a degree in aerospace engineering via night school, which he applied to numerous technological adventures in the following two decades. Kramer's abrupt "disappearance" (death? suicide? transdimensional ascension?) in 1995 remains a mystery to this day, surrounded by rumor, conspiracy, and nefarious connotation.

Band photo from another early Kramer project, Gold. Phil is again pictured at far left.

Right: Photo of a skull identified as belonging to Philip Taylor Kramer, discovered in Decker Canyon (near Malibu, CA) in 1999.

After obtaining the aforementioned degree, Phil moved on to several odd pursuits, among them helping the US Defense Department develop a guidance system for their infamous MX Missile series in the 1980's (NOT the Brazilian thrash metal band). He rode the Silicon Wave of the late 80's and early 90's in Southern California, proving himself a pioneer in the fields of both facial recognition systems (see also: BIOMETRICS) and fractal compression (I still don't 100% understand how fractal compression works, but you can start HERE and work your way out).

Eventually (and strangely), he went into business with Randy Jackson (left)--NOT the American Idol judge/former Journey bassist, but brother of our old pal Michael. They formed a company called Total Multimedia, Inc., wherein Phil served as an executive from 1990 until his cessation-to-be in 1995. The company specialized in compression techniques for CD-ROMs (special focus on the previously-mentioned "fractal" offshoot), and their greatest claim to fame was that they "developed the first video compression capable of producing full motion video from a single speed CD-ROM" in 1992.
But Phil had other interests outside of business and CD-ROM compression. He had a burning desire to discredit the theories of one man, an evil tyrant whose ideas haunted Kramer to the bitter end:



Einstein: WHAT A DICK.
Seriously. Let's skip all the biometrics/facial recognition creepiness for a second and get down to the proverbial "brass tacks". Ever heard of a little theory called "special relativity"? I bet you have.

Wikipedia: "(Special relativity) generalizes Galileo's principle of relativity—that all uniform motion is relative, and that there is no absolute and well-defined state of rest (no privileged reference frames)—from mechanics to all the laws of physics, including both the laws of mechanics and of electrodynamics, whatever they may be. Special relativity incorporates the principle that the speed of light is the same for all inertial observers regardless of the state of motion of the source.
This theory has a wide range of consequences which have been experimentally verified, including counter-intuitive ones such as length contraction, time dilation and relativity of simultaneity, contradicting the classical notion that the duration of the time interval between two events is equal for all observers. (On the other hand, it introduces the space-time interval, which is invariant.) Combined with other laws of physics, the two postulates of special relativity predict the equivalence of mass and energy, as expressed in the mass–energy equivalence formula E = mc2, where c is the speed of light in a vacuum. The predictions of special relativity agree well with Newtonian mechanics in their common realm of applicability, specifically in experiments in which all velocities are small compared with the speed of light. Special relativity reveals that c is not just the velocity of a certain phenomenon—namely the propagation of electromagnetic radiation (light)—but rather a fundamental feature of the way space and time are unified as spacetime. One of the consequences of the theory is that it is impossible for any particle that has rest mass to be accelerated to the speed of light.
"

Would YOU trust this guy?

HELL NO. Philip Taylor Kramer, missile-maker, fractal compressor, digital-face-recognizer, and stony-hippie-bass-noodler, wasn't having any of this shit. His life goal was to disprove the theory of special relativity, to develop a "warp drive" via quantum mechanics that would not only negate Einstein's "you can't go faster than the speed of light" bullshit, but also open up the gates of the cosmos. After all, wouldn't the cancellation of "E=mc2" indicate such a possibility? Kramer believed so, but his highly-coveted personal research never had a chance to fall upon the unsuspecting public.

(Anyone else keeping up with CERN's baffling "beyond the speed of light" results over there at the LHC recently? Anyone? No?)

Kramer began getting paranoid about his studies, thinking that perhaps his ambitions about space/time travel might be ruffling some feathers with his previous employers (i.e. The Man). Shit started getting weird. I'll let Wikipedia tell you the rest:

On February 12, 1995 he drove to Los Angeles International Airport to pick up an investor. He spent forty-five minutes at the airport but failed to meet the investor. Kramer did make a flurry of cell phone calls, including one to the police during which Kramer said, "I’m going to kill myself. And I want everyone to know O.J. Simpson is innocent. They did it."
He was never heard from again. This led to a massive search, many news reports, and talk show segments including an episode of
The Oprah Winfrey Show, America's Most Wanted, The Unexplained ("Strange Disappearances," first aired 5/7/2000), and Unsolved Mysteries some years later. An article in Skeptic reported numerous conspiracy theories about his death.
On May 29, 1999, Kramer's Ford Aerostar minivan and skeletal remains were found by photographers looking for old car wrecks to shoot at the bottom of Decker Canyon near Malibu, California. Based on forensic evidence and Kramer's emergency call to the police, authorities ruled his death as a probable suicide committed on the day on which he was last heard.


Cool. Seems pretty tidy. No loose ends to tie up here, folks.

Seriously, if you've SEEN The Naked Gun, you know this guy's innocent.

According to Kramer's family, he had never displayed any sort of self-destructive/suicidal qualities and was, despite his well-founded paranoias, a pretty content and easy-going guy. After all, he was a millionaire.

According to evidence gathered at the scene, he died with 40 cents in his pocket.

Nothing to see here.

Here's the previously-mentioned Unsolved Mysteries segment in its entirety. Warning: the audio is utter shit (turn it up).



More on the Iron Butterfly Conspiracy via Above Top Secret.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

KARMA IS A MOTHERFUCKER


Let's see... How do I go about breaking another long silence here on the hallowed pages of Illogical Contraption? An in-depth post on recent actions in the imminent Reptilian-Grey Alliance invasion and the Andromeda Council's efforts to stop it? Nah. A lengthy expose on the forgotten heroes of the Swedish death metal scene, including extensive downloads, never-before-seen pictures, and verbose pontifications on their overall contributions to the global music scene? Fuck that. Perhaps a 'Part 2' piece to that 'Primer on Modern Cryptozoology' I posted lo those many, many moons ago, encompassing the many updates and documented specimens collected in the last 2 years? No, not that.
Today, we're gonna explore a topic much more important and interesting than any of that shit. We're gonna talk about a second-hand tabloid story from 6 months ago that I found on TMZ.

So.
Who remembers Shelby Cobra? No, not Shelby CobraS, as in ME, but Shelby COBRA (no "s"), lead singer for the all-girl Radio Disney pop-punk(?) group KSM. I wrote about her here and here in the past, but in case you lazy fucks don't want to click through and read my brilliant rants, I'll boil it down to a couple key paragraphs:

Shelby Cobra draws her influence from artists like Cyndi Lauper and Janis Joplin, and in February joined a manufactured band of watered-down "scene chicks" constructed by the production team of Robbie Nevil and Matthew Gerard and sponsored by Radio Disney. They are called "KSM", they are Hot Topic to the core,and you can check out their Myspace page here. They are also currently gaining massive amounts of popularity, with the endorsement of the Jonas Brothers and appearances on both Good Morning, America and Rachael Ray under their shiny belts. This is all kinds of wrong, but the arch-nemesis connection goes even deeper. Read on...

Shelby Cobra lists her heritage as "Italian-Swedish-Polish-Italian", a twisted mirror of my own proud geneology. You see, I am half Italian, in addition to being a quarter German (Germany borders Poland) and a quarter Norwegian (Norway borders Sweden). Is this strange duality somehow programmed into our very genetic material? Mere dislike or age-old blood feud? Hmmmm...
As the kids would say, this chick is "jocking my steez" in a major way. She is besmirching the honorable Cobras family name, bringing shame down on an institution that has always stood for truth, justice, and HEAVY METAL.

There is only one course of action to be taken here. "Shelby Cobra" must be destroyed, with great haste and without mercy.


Well, as TMZ reported on Sept. 11, 2011 (IllCon is always on top of the hottest celeb news stories), the pretender to the throne has indeed been crushed. Read this awesome, well-written TMZ story in its entirety below:

"Shelby Cobra, lead singer of the now-defunct Disney girl band KSM, was arrested early Friday morning for driving under the influence -- and according to our sources ... her blood alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Did we mention she's only 18?
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... Cobra, real name Shelby Spalione, was spotted in Studio City driving a 2005 Ford F150 with the dome light on and a passenger who was not only not wearing a seat belt, but was sitting sideways.
We're told when cops pulled the car over, they detected alcohol on Shelby's breath and administered a blood alcohol test ... which registered a whopping 0.15%.
She was arrested and booked into Van Nuys jail at around 2:00 AM. Shelby was released just before 11:00 AM on her own recognizance.
KSM was originally formed as a kids version of a Go-Go's cover band. Shelby joined the group later on and the focus shifted from pop to rock. The band broke up in 2010.
Calls to Shelby's people have not been returned."




Dang. Shades of 'Burning Dan', anyone?
I mean, it's no secret that when you fuck with IllCon, you will be summarily destroyed. But the fact that this news story broke on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? Seems like pretty goddamn solid proof that the good old U.S. of A. has our back, and is willing to strike down our foes through whatever means necessary. The demise of Shelby Cobra's career, whether it came about by mere happenstance, flagrant personal disregard for the law, or massive US Government Conspiracy in collusion with the IllCon Hidden Hand Tribunal of Elders, was nonetheless foretold and unavoidable, and I urge all those who would oppose our dear institution to take note carefully.

That being said, I would like to end this post by offering IllCon's full support of the incoming presidential regime, whether it be led by the proud, regal Rick Santorum (right), or the fierce, bold Mitt Romney (below). Heed the Council! The Santorupocalypse is upon us! Join us in our quest for global American dominance, and our crusade against moral degeneracy at the hands of homosexuals, perverts, liberals, circus clowns, and music bloggers! Hand in hand, Illogical Contraption and the United States Government will strike down any scourge, be it poorly-named pop singers, domestic terrorists, sodomizers of the human ass, or "heavy metal musicians".
December 21st, 2012 is upon us. Let us march forth to greet it, together, as Americans--as a united front, a God-fearing and CHOSEN nation--The Contrap-Nation.

Let this message be a warning to all.


Monday, January 2, 2012

MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Amorphophallus titanum AKA The Stench of Death And Decay


Man, DoomUnicorn has been breaching all kinds of etiquette lately. Not only did he come out of nowhere with this whole "IllCon East vs. IllCon West" feud (see last post), but he added insult to injury by posting pornogrind on a Monday, which we all know is verboten. Not only that, but the guy spelled "cryptosporidium" wrong multiple times in said post--I mean, who spells "cryptosporidium" incorrectly? Rookie moves, man. Rookie moves.

Anyhow, West Coast Envy notwithstanding, we now return you to your scheduled program: Monday Morning Science Corner, the CORRECT, educated, West Coast version of Monday mornings at ICHQ. Today's subject is the "corpse flower" AKA "carrion flower", a topic recommended by These A Beast--who I thank graciously, and forgive for living on the wretched East Coast of these United States.

Wikipedia: The titan arum or Amorphophallus titanum (from Ancient Greek amorphos, "without form, misshapen" + phallos, "phallus", and titan, "giant" = "Giant Misshapen Penis") is a flowering plant with the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The titan arum's inflorescence is not as large as that of the Talipot palm, Corypha umbraculifera, but the inflorescence of the Talipot palm is branched rather than unbranched.
Due to its odor, which is reminiscent of the smell of a decomposing mammal, the titan arum is characterized as a carrion flower, and is also known as the "corpse flower", or "corpse plant" (Indonesian:
bunga bangkaibunga means flower, while bangkai means corpse or cadaver). For the same reason, the title "corpse flower" is also attributed to the genus Rafflesia which, like the titan arum, grows in the rainforests of Sumatra.

Sumatra is also known for its vicious Rat Monkeys


The titan arum's inflorescence can reach over 3 metres (10 ft) in height. Like the related cuckoo pint and calla lily, it consists of a fragrant spadix of flowers wrapped by a spathe, which looks like a large petal. In the case of the titan arum, the spathe is green on the outside and dark burgundy red on the inside, and deeply furrowed. The spadix is hollow and resembles a large loaf of French bread. The upper, visible portion of the spadix is covered in pollen, while its lower extremity is spangled with bright red-orange carpels. The "fragrance" of the titan arum resembles rotting meat, attracting carrion-eating beetles and Flesh Flies (family Sarcophagidae) that pollinate it. The inflorescence's deep red color and texture contribute to the illusion that the spathe is a piece of meat. During bloom, the tip of the spadix is approximately human body temperature, which helps the perfume volatilize; this heat is also believed to assist in the illusion that attracts carcass-eating insects.
After the flower dies back, a single leaf, which reaches the size of a small tree, grows from the underground corm. The leaf grows on a semi-green stalk that branches into three sections at the top, each containing many leaflets. The leaf structure can reach up to 6 metres (20 ft) tall and 5 metres (16 ft) across. Each year, the old leaf dies and a new one grows in its place. When the corm has stored enough energy, it becomes dormant for about 4 months. Then, the process repeats.
The corm is the largest known, weighing around 50 kilograms (110 lb). When a specimen at the Princess of Wales Conservatory, Kew Gardens, was repotted after its dormant period, the weight was recorded as 91 kilograms (200 lb).


Above: Visual approximation of Amorphophallus titanum's bloom odor

Left: related "corpse flower" species Rafflesia.

So let's see here: Amorphophallus titanum is a flower that a) comes from the very-metal location of Sumatra, b) grows to as much as 20 feet tall and 16 feet wide, c) blooms only after 7-15 years of life, d) has a Latin name that means "giant, misshapen dick", and e) mimics the smell (and appearance, and temperature) of rotting flesh to attract insects.
Holy fuck. That is Very Metal.

For a fucking flower, I mean.



Titan arum blooming in time lapse:



And lastly, David Attenborough breaks it down:




PS: Speaking of shit that stinks, Episode 16 of IllCon Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE. Learn about the deep UFOlogy behind Blink 182, Alan Moore’s masturbation sorcery, and the soon-to-be-released Grateful Dead MMORPG!

Lots of really cool stuff is coming up on the show in January as well, including an in-depth study of the conspiracy theories connected to Kubrick's The Shining (hint: it's a palindrome), an interview with Peaches Christ, an entire episode about Disney's ties to mind control, Illuminati symbolism, and Satan, and the return of the almighty Freeman. Turn on, tune in, and HESH OUT!