Judy Speaks

For nearly 40 years, Judy Garland was the icon of the Hollywood life and classed as one of the greatest entertainers of her generation. She was performing on stage and in movies from a very young age and at 16 she brought The Wizard Of Oz to life on the big screen. She followed this with many movies and a staggering amount of concert appearances that broke box office records.

Behind the scenes it was a different story. From an early age, MGM Studios had been plying its young actors with ampthetamines and barbiturates to keep them going through the back to back filming schedules required to keep new movies being released. This went hand in hand with the glitzy lifestyle and constant rotation of work/party/premiere/work that made up the backbone of Hollywood.

Despite a hectic work schedule and much critical acclaim, Judy Garland's personnel life was a shambles. By the early sixties, five marriages and a life long battle with alcohol and drug abuse had taken its toll on her. In a bid to get her back into the public's eye it was decided she would write an autobiography. Enter her agent, Irving "Swifty" Lazar. He supplied the ailing star with a reel to reel tape recorder and got her to use it as a way to get the book started as well as maybe come to terms with her problems.

What follows has become known as the "Judy Speaks" tapes. Still mainlining pills and a ludicrous amount of gin, she sobs and screams at ex-husbands, film executives, her complete distrust of the recording device and pretty much everyone who she believes led her to this point in life.

Bear in mind that its pretty heavy going at times. Her booze soaked rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow is pretty heavy. As legend goes, these tapes got confiscated after her death in 1969 and ended up locked away in a publicist's vault before getting a public release some years ago. Judy's family actually petitioned for them to be denied a release but the court ruled otherwise.

Its pretty heavy going stuff at times. Some brief moments of cohesion and happiness are soon washed away by Judy's gin soaked anger and vitriol. Be warned.

Judy Speaks

REJOICE!

Forget all the Ron Paul Pokemon Bronies on Reddit. Forget the libertarian furries and Dr. Who fandoms on 4Chan. Forget Parks and Rec GIFs and seapunk and soft grunge. The REAL internet lives at one place and one place ONLY. HERE.

Illcon Radio is BACK, tonight 10pm-midnight PST. (415) 829-2980 . COLD CANS WILL BE CRUSHED!

Brian May - Mad Max OST (1979)

I shouldn't have to fill you in on the whole deal with Mad Max. Its a given that its awesome. George Miller's 1979, dystopic classic was burned into my eyeballs at a very young age and from that moment I was obsessed with it.

I'm not going to wax lyrical and blather on about how awesome nearly every aspect of this movie is, if your reading this then you already know. This post deals with the superbly dramatic orchestral score courtesy of Brian May.

First off, its not "that" Brian May, its the Australian Brian May. Well known in his native country for his countless work in TV and film ( he composed the Countdown theme) he is mainly known here at Nothing Left Inside Towers as the musical genius behind Mad Max and its sequel The Road Warrior as well as classics like Road Games, Turkey Shoot and Dr Giggles.

Secondly, this is certainly not driving music. Unless you are on a  single minded mission of revenge then I wouldn't advise driving any distance with this blasting. A mistake I have made on many an occasion.
Mr May's compositions most certainly add a lot to the movie. The combination of sharp bursts of discordant noise and slow rumbling build ups pick out at many of the most stand out scenes. Think of every time the Interceptor comes into shot, they always have a sinister burst of brass instrumentation, every time any of the Toecutter gang get nasty Brain May stabs the mood with a sharp, nasty screech of cello. Even something as small as the opening shots of the Halls Of Justice and the highway with the skull and warning signs is given such brooding menace by the triumphant but evil work of this Australian genius. Please enjoy.

Brian May - Mad Max OST

TO ALL MY FRIENDSHIP BUDDIES:

Wow. Sure has been awhile, eh guys?
My bad. Anyhow, Ol' Uncle Cobras is back, with lots of updates and exciting news for the IllCon Universe. I hope you guys can forgive me for my long absence, I've been super busy Gangnam-styling, watching Iggy Azalea videos, jerking off to presidential debates, rocking out to Slayer with my cat, and taking part in all sorts of illicit, undisclosed activities which are best not discussed here. Add a shitty update to the Blogger template system and multiple suspensions of my vast and untraceable Mediafire accounts, and you've got quite a recipe for overall inactivity and frustration from your favorite blogger (me) on your favorite site (this one). Pathetic. Just pathetic.

But hey, I ain't here to sweat the petty shit. I'm here to pet the sweaty shit. Illogical Contraption--while relatively slow in the Blogspot World--has been going nuts in other realms, which is what we're really here to talk about today. First and foremost, IllCon Radio has been going bananas as of late, which you would never know if you happen to download episodes off the "show archive" column over there on the right. Out of a general sense of spite toward the file-sharing world (what is it, illegal all of the sudden?), I haven't updated this page for a FULL EIGHT EPISODES, which I admit is both bogus and sad. I know lots of you dudes out there get the show that way (at least a couple hundred per episode, if Mediafire is telling the truth), so rejoice in the fact that I finally got off (on?) my ass and uploaded episodes 43-50. That's almost 16 hours of drunken fun! Have at it.

(Seriously though, you're better off just subscribing via iTunes.)

But I have not only been a chode in my weekly maintenance of new podcasts here on the old Blogspot. Mediafire, being the dick that it is, has also offed several CLASSIC episodes for whatever reason, and I've only just recently had the time and momentum to find and re-up those fuckers, too. These are actually some of our best. Please use them wisely:

#21: GENESIS P-ORRIDGE and AESOP DEKKER
#33: SAM McPHEETERS and CAPTAIN AHAB
#34: TOMMY BLACHA (CO-CREATOR OF METALOCALYPSE!)
#35: PEACHES CHRIST
#36: NO ONE IN PARTICULAR
#37: EUGENE ROBINSON and AESOP DEKKER (Can't get rid of this guy!)
#38: TIM SWARTZ and MC CRUMBSNATCHER
#39: THE GHOST GIRLS, and lastly:
#40: A DOUCHEY MARINA BRO

So I guess that means the show archive is (at present, at least) "up to date". Thanks a lot to all the readers who have gone out of their way to support the show, too. You guys are awesome!

ALSO: Two weeks ago, while I was in New York City, I had the opportunity to guest host one of my favorite podcasts, Kissing Contest. It was super fun, and Mike, Sawyer, and Doan are some down-ass bros. Subscribe to that shit NOW. They even made this sweet custom image to celebrate my appearance:

You can find the Cobras Episode (#106, wherein we discuss East Coast vs. West Coast gang movies, metal, Channing Tatum, and Greyhound bus rides) HERE. It was an epic time.

Let's see, what else...?

Oh yeah! Here's a picture of the IllCon Radio Team partying with our favorite punk vocalist/ladies' man/puppeteer David Liebe Hart:

L to R: Erik, Cobras, some black guy, Cory, Peter

Crazy times, man.
Oh, we're also gonna have some shirts and stickers and shit, too. And Apocryphon is putting out a split and doing a West Coast tour soon. And I might even find the time to write some shit about aliens or conspiracies or technical death metal or clown porn at some point as well.
Maybe.

Cruisin'

Hey y'all I need your help. I'm looking to get mad laid in 2013 as my 2012 has been drier than the drum production on Danzig I. I've been training with the best Pick Up Artists in the nation, working on my extreme negging and peacocking skills. I think the perfect setting to try out my newfound talents is one of these rock n' roll cruises that all the bands are doing. Problem is I just can't figure out which one to go to! Here are just a small sampling of the band-themed cruises coming up. HELP ME PICK WHICH ONE TO GO ON!

The Kiss Kruise II seems somewhat appealing. Ladies love those big ol' Jews in clown makeup and Tommy Thayer is my favorite Ace Frehley, but in my experience it's mostly just old dads that love KISS. Also playing: Skid Row, Comedian Graham Elwood.

Lynyrd Skynrd's Simple Man Cruise I predict there is going to be some primo Southern bar hag strange to bang on this boat. According to the website, this is their 6th go-round! Some of the events scheduled include: Q&A With the band, BELLY FLOP CONTEST, Southern Rock karaoke and a tattoo social! Also playing: Doobie Brothers, Comedian Graham Elwood

311 Caribbean Cruise 2013 is like a homerun as far as hooking up with some sick ass heinas. 311 has THE HOTTEST fans and maybe, just maybe I'll get to smoke some trees with P-Nut! It's too early to list the 311 Theme Nights and other acts but I'm just going to go ahead and assume that Comedian Graham Elwood will be appearing.

The Weezer Cruise Ahh shit. This one isn't happening in 2013 :( By the looks of the lineup it looks like it was basically "The Dudes in Dinosaur Jr Cruise featuring Weezer" though. Also playing: Comedian Graham Elwood.

Mayercraft Carrier 2 Ok this has to be just one big sex boat. Everyone knows John Mayer is the biggest pimp in all of the world. I'm just worried he'll steal all the chicks for himself? Also playing: Comedian Graham Elwood.

Yes' Cruise To The Edge YES! This is going to be the #1 get together for prog cougs in 2013! I duno wtf is going on with Yes right now btw. They kicked out Jon Anderson and have a tribute band guy singing and the dude from The Buggles is playing keys. Sheesh. Still this cruise should be pretty sweet and I'm def going to hit it up. BTW my PUA name is Skeevin. If you see me on the boat say whut up. CRUISE TO THE EDGE DOWN BY THE RIVERRRRRR!

Rock Legends II There's some pretty sweet fuckin' bands playing this cruise, but there's too many of them and you just know they are going to steal all the single ladies from us civilian plebs. I REALLY don't need to compete with the current Blue Oyster Cult drummer just to get laid at sea. And I can't really concentrate on my game while Big Jim Dandy of Black Oak Arkansas is sashaying around in his sexy white spandex. Fuck this.

Might as well just call this one POSER CRUISE 2013.

Apparently there are THREE competing metal cruises that have caused some controversy in the sacred internet metal nerd scene. More on those later...

When drawing goes wrong pt3. Photoshop abortions.

During the previous two installments, here and here, it gradually became apparent that even amongst the bad album artwork that plagues the Internet and peoples music collections there are even worse examples of dreadful artistic vision and crap delivery. Previous posts concentrated on art that was in the most part actually drawn/painted/dribbled out by someone. They might not have had much of a idea about anatomy or have ever seen a women naked but they at least possess, in the loosest sense, charm.

Tonight's post deals with those most heinous of culprits when it comes to bad album artwork. The Photoshop abortions. Your technology can't save you.

To kicks things off, IllCon follower SoulReaper recommended this blinding piece of ham fisted photo shopping nonsense. Dismal Euphony....dismal euphotoshoppy. Sorry.

This was always one of the first things that came into my head whenever anyone mentioned bad photo-shopping. You have all manner of tools at your disposal  yet you can't even get the lower jaw of a skull right!

Not content with making it look like some pre-1997 PC game art they just go and use the most basic, default font.

You'll never get anything started slacking off like that Mr Speckmann.

Another example of not only being dreadful ( I mean look at it!) but knocked even more for having a bog standard font. Plus, a dreadful album title.

I can wager that if this image, an angel being defeated and having its life force sucked out by a demon inside a church, had been hand drawn and coloured I would probably have thought it pretty cool. Sadly someone got to it with Photoshop first.

If ever a single image summed up the plight of the regular IllCon follower then this album cover is it.

I like Benediction. I don't like this artwork. 

I still haven't been able to work out if this band are a joke or not. I could only get about 20 seconds into this video. This artwork and album title certainly suggest its all a joke.

The soft-porn/1997 "adult" PC game vibe was perfectly nailed on these two covers by everyone's favourite band we all claim not to like.

German engineering perfection. No.

Another example of quality band let down by PS1 quality artwork. it doesn't really fit.

You send something off to the printers, you send it at the right resolution don't you. I have been aware of this one for ages but I never knew the actual band name, I still don't.

Not often do tasteless album title/artwork concepts combine with bad Photoshop. But when they do the results are pretty special.

I can spot a circular saw, cyborg eyes, pink hair, robotic boobs and what looks like parts of a motorcycle. its not a magic eye image either.

Its like the cheap version of a Minotaur. A bemused armadillo. Doesn't really chase you round the maze. Just sits there looking confused.

Hypocrisy have quite a few probable entries lurking in that back catalogue of theirs. Funnily enough nearly most of it has been reissued in recent years with different artwork. I'd like to think that's because they looked back in horror at the below image.

To top it off is the one that got mentioned the most in past correspondence. Iron Maiden have done many great things for metal but this artwork certainly wasn't one of them. In my research I came across a story about how this was originally a mock up of the concept. The band saw it and decided to use it. Maybe save a bit of money. It may be true it may not be, it does sound like something you would say after many years of reflection and you slowly come to the realisation of how lame your album art is. I always like to think that Iron Maiden don't really need to go near computer technology. keep the two separate. Ed Hunter was bad enough.

Once again I will leave it up to you guys to let me know if there are any that deserve inclusion? In all fairness I spent quite a bit of time trawling the Nuclear Blast, Spinefarm and Roadrunner back catalogues and its almost another full post on some of the lame art those guys have hidden away.

...And Then Comes Lividity (1990)

Holy bat shit biscuits! It's been a while since I have graced the mighty IllCon halls with my presence. My deepest of apologies! Scheiße! This month has flown by. Really it has. A lot, I mean A LOT of shit has gone down in the last month: finals, The Legendary Boonville Beerfest, family memorials, visiting my old man, random drunken excursions in the City, brewing adult beverages, and getting back on air... 

Yes, you heard correctly! I recently got accepted into the ranks of local pirate-radio station 99.9 FM HFRA! I am now a genuine pirate it appears and I intend to sail the seas of cheese without abandon. It has been several years since I have been on air. Some of those out there may remember my stint at KHSU-FM (90.5) here in Arcata and if so, you'll remember the ridiculousness of that endeavor: staying up Friday night, consuming massive amounts of coffee and snickers bars, cueing up my show, hitting the air waves at 3am Saturday morning, and then making the arduous journey back "home" at the break of dawn only to officially go to bed at 7:30am and waking up at 1pm for band practice... Ah! Those were the days! How I miss them (minus the 3am part). Nothing is set in stone yet for when my show will be but it will undoubtedly be great. I intend to play a little bit of everything, focusing mainly on metal, classic rock, and the occasional blues album or two. Barring that I can figure out how to, I will try to set up a podcast or record it somehow so y'all can listen for yourselves. Seeing as my last time on air via IllCon Radio was a drunken disaster, I have some redeeming to do on my end... So stay tuned, and don't touch that dial!

In other news, I've been drinking a fair amount. I have tried many a new brew in the past month including my own, which is still fermenting, and I'll have a couple posts coming soon in relation to brew-reviews, hopefully... Also, there's several shows coming up! Namely, Shelby and Co. are making a return to E-town for a show and the bros from MIASMIC are opening! APOCRYPHON slayed the last time they were up here so I'm definitely looking forward to this show. Last I checked, MIASMIC's CD was still at Amoeba Records in SF, and I've been told it was at the store in Los Angeles as well. So go pick yourself up a copy of their debut or contact the band directly.
Also, legendary stalwarts LOCUST FURNACE are opening for PHALGERON this Friday, June 22nd. LOCUST FURNACE are pretty reliable. They have been around for the better part of 15 years now and I'm told they have new material (for once!). PHALGERON were solid the last time I saw them play here. So if you're in the Humboldt area this Friday, you can check them out alongside MADHAMMER (another local band) at the 'Lil Red Lion in Eureka...
Lastly, I recently got a email from MediaFire saying that one of the files I have uploaded via the site has been pulled due to copyright issues. The file "Almost Heathen.zip" has been suspended. Sorry for the inconvenience but I'm glad a few hundred of you out there got the chance to check it out before they pulled it. It took me years to locate a copy of it in replacement for my original and my intentions with my contributions here at IllCon are simply to give readers the chance to hear new and rare tunes. I do not intend to violate any applicable laws nor try to attract the wrong kind of attention. I'm still not sure on all the details but I may have to begin posting more obscure, less-available stuff on here...

So as a token of my apologies, and with the aforementioned, I present you with this somewhat rare slab of maggot-infested metempsukhosis (or whatever that is).

Enjoy! 

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