Apocryphon will also be playing in Santa Rosa Saturday, June 23rd. Details forthcoming. And let's not forget:
ILLCON RADIO RETURNS TO THE AIRWAVES AT 10PM TONIGHT RIGHT HERE. WE HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS. WE MIGHT HAVE A GUEST OR TWO. WE WILL EAT CHIPS AND AL WILL GET DRUNK. SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES PLEASE. ALSO CALL US AT 415-829-2980. THANK YOU.
ATTENTION HESSIAN MINIONS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION NEEDS YOUR HELP!
First off, you can "help out" ol' Uncle Cobras by tuning in to the Hand Ov Doom show on Emerson College radio tonight, where I'll be appearing to discuss conspiracy theories, metal, conspiracy theories in metal, and all things great and small pertaining to the IllCon Universe. The show streams live 5-7pm PST (that's 8-10 EST, dummies) right HERE, then goes up in podcast form (via Metal Injection.com) right HERE. While you're at it, why don't you "help out" Metal Injection too, by heading over to iTunes and subscribing to their entire podcast roster, which includes not only Hand Ov Doom but a veritable multitude of excellent metal-oriented broadcasts as well: Metal Injection podcasts on iTunes!
Secondly, we implore the more artistically-minded amongst our dear readers and listeners to help us out with yet another podcast/radio-related item--of course, I'm speaking of the IllCon Radio T-Shirt Design Contest! This really cool bro from Rochester, NY's own HTB Press has put an offer on the table in regards to producing some IC Radio-themed garb, and we're fully stoked on making it happen. The only problem: WE SUCK AT DRAWING THINGS. Can you draw good? Are you a fan of the show? Would you be interested in seeing your very own alien-smoking-a-bong-on-the-back-of-a-unicorn design emblazoned on the front of an IllCon Radio shirt, and would you be psyched to receive said shirt, for FREE, in the mail? Well shit, dude. The address is illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. What the fuck are you waiting for? We'll accept sketches, written ideas, scribbles on bar napkins... Whatever. Let's do this.
Thirdly (and most important): Let's hook up some Apocryphon dates for this summer! If you're an Illogical Contraption reader, you're also undoubtedly an Apocryphon listener, so how 'bout you help out your favorite psychedelic deathgrind homies with a couple tips on booking West Coast dates? We've only got a couple small windows of opportunity to get out of town this June, and the specific dates we're looking to book are as follows:
- Thursday, June 7th: Eureka/Arcata, CA - Friday, June 8th: Portland, OR - Saturday, June 9th: Seattle, WA
- Friday, June 22nd: Los Angeles, CA - Saturday, June 23rd: San Diego, CA
Do you live in any of these places? Where are all the metal-friendly venues and easy women? Who has the cheapest booze? WE WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU. Let's make it happen! Again, illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com, or check us out (if you haven't already) on Bandcamp/Facebook/Last.FM. (Groovy DALTON news coming up in June as well, stay tuned...)
Speaking of epic tours:
This Friday...
Apocryphon is slated to devastate "The Dank Room" in Vallejo on 4/20, along with Short Fuse, Ill Content, Viral, and ZombieDeathFuck (Newtdick dropped off this one). Facebook "event page" HERE.
Then, Saturday:
Back up to the 'ol hometown (namely The Alibi in Arcata) for a night of cacophonous, sludgy, schizophrenic chaos with our best bros Hazzard's Cure. NOT TO BE MISSED.
Thanks again for your encouragement and support in all things IllCon. We'll be seeing you out on the road soon!
Fuck, dudes! First off, my apologies for all but abandoning my loyal public lo these past few weeks. Things have been more than a bit chaotic around Casa Cobras for a bit, and between Apocryphon shows, work, life drama, the podcast, and the unfortunate demise of Megaupload (with it 75% of the content uploaded to IC in the last 3 years), I just couldn't bring myself to face you all until I had my shit back together. Which I do now. Really. Don't mind the twitch. Anyhow, I don't have anything ground-breaking or spectacular to drop on you guys today, just a quick how's-your-father to let you know that you still give me warm fuzzies in my man-parts. Also, a couple quick bullet points:
First off, Illogical Contraption Radio has been a fucking BLAST lately, especially last week's interview with David Liebe Hart (right), celebrated songsmith of Tim & Eric fame. Go listen to that if you haven't already, then stick around until 10pm PST tonight, when we'll be going live again. Wanna call us? Sweet! The number is (415) 829-2980, and we look forward to verbally destroying you with our far-superior vernacular and brain functions. COME AT US, BROS.
(PS: The added bummer of the Megaupload shutdown is that several episodes of IC Radio, which never made it to iTunes, were stored therein, hence rendering them extinct to the ages. I've re-upped the surviving episodes to Mediafire as of today, but seeing as that particular file host will most likely be shut down within the week as well, I suggest you just man up and subscribe via iTunes.)
Who do we have on tonight's show, you ask? What a wonderful question! Why, it's none other than the amazing FREEMAN, who blew our minds with tales of attempted murder by the Grateful Dead, the Friendship Bus, and CIA mind control via symbolism way back in Episode 7! I think it's safe to say that Freeman was one of the most enjoyable guests we've ever had on the show, and tonight's freak-out should be extra loopy, as our pet subject will be DISNEY AND BRAIN-WASHING. Dang.
ALSO. Apocryphon has a bunch of shows coming up (last weekend's shred-fest with HAZZARD'S CURE and Seattle's CRAWLIN' was the very definition of EPIC), so if you're in or around the Bay Area in February, come out and kick it with us. There's this:
Sunday Feb. 5 at Sub-Mission with PLAGUE WIDOW (they RULE), OLD CROW, YOUR ENEMY, HUMAN WASTE, and PILLAGER (just added)
Oh, and Dalton has a show at an art gallery with Street Justice on the 16th, then Apocryphon has another show at Eli's Mile High in Oakland with Worm Ouroboros, Bell Witch, Alaric, and Sutekh Hexen on the 24th. And let's not forget about the upcoming four-way split we're working on! I'd like to tell you more, but instead, I'm just going to post the best video ever uploaded to YouTube ten times in a row. If you play all of them simultaneously, you will achieve utter enlightenment and leave the plane of human material existence altogether. Enjoy:
I know it's been awhile since I've had a minute to post on IC (I've been working 80 hour weeks, assholes, cut me a break), but the time has come to end my silence with the most important news imaginable:
I know you clowns are just dying to send me your money, so go over there and get yourself a CD or a T-shirt (or both!).
I mean, just look at that thing! A high-quality cotton T-shirt bearing the infamous design created by our very own IC uber-bro Farron Loathing--for only 12 dollars(plus S&H)?!?!?!
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!
Not to mention the lovingly-crafted, hand-numbered, wooden-box-twine-bound-hand-sewn limited edition CDs we're selling (for ONLY $7!!!). Brother Peter designed and built only 100 of these babies, and they're really going fast. Check this shit out:
Now that's quality craftmanship right there.
Go buy our stuff. We'll have even more of it soon.
In other news, we now have an Encyclopaedia Metallum page as well, along with our old Last.FM, Facebook, and Bandcamp (where you can download our debut EP for free or name your price).
PS: Speaking of shameless, incessant self-promotion, DALTON's "comeback" show is at the Elbo Room in SF tonight with Winter Teeth and The Corruptors. Go to that also.
OK, here's the deal: ol' Uncle Cobras is gonna be busy as a motherfucker for the next week or two, so things are really gonna slow to a crawl here at IllCon. But humongous gears are turning in the IC Universe, and you can all expect some really awesome things to happen in the near future. First off, Apocryphon is opening for the almighty Orb of Confusion (their last show EVER) at Eli's Mile High in Oakland this Sunday, where we will have our first run of Farron Loathing-designed T-shirts (as well as limited edition, wood-box copies of our debut EP) for sale. Which is cool, but then the following Monday (the 22nd), DALTON returns (with Winter Teeth and The Corruptors) at the Elbo Room in SF, after a long, self-imposed period of introspection and martial arts training. Both of these shows are of course sandwiched around a week in which I'll be getting unceasingly ass-raped at my Real Job, not to mention the Huge Thing On The Horizon that I have been instructed not to speak about yet, upon punishment of execution. So hang tight. Things will be back to normal soon.
To tide you over for a bit, I offer the third full-length album from IllCon favorites Angelcorpse, an unrelenting onslaught of black/death malice every bit as ferocious as its predecessors, 1996's Hammer of Gods and 1998's Exterminate. Pure fucking evil and hatred, so brutal and mind-bending that those weird penis-looking things on the cover are immediately and unequivocally forgiven. Super gnar.
I'm sick of Revolver's "Hottest Chicks In Metal" issues. I'm sick of MetalSucks telling us about the newest female-fronted metalcore/deathcore/whateverfuckingcore band (no offense, guys). I'm sick of the hipster-metal dude who forces his hipster-metal girlfriend to join his band at gunpoint. It seems like everyone is trying to give big ups to girls in metal, but doing it by either cramming them into lingerie or talking down to them. I call bullshit. Today we'll take a tour of who I consider to be the finest ladies in metal, and by "fine" I don't mean "hott" (although that term might also apply in some cases). I mean talented. Brutal. Dedicated. Awesome.
No, I'm not talking about you. Or you. Or that chick from Mayhem. I'm not talking about false shit like Lacuna Coil or Bleeding Through or Evanescence or that chick from Winds of Plague who put pictures of her boobs on the internet. I'm not talking about Otep Shamalamadingdong or that psuedo-rockabilly chick from In This Moment. I'm not even talking about Arch Enemy.
I'm talking about motherfucking Girlschool, the Motorhead of girl bands. I'm talking about Jo Bench, keeping it real in Bolt Thrower since '87. I'm talking about the ridiculous shredding of The Great Kat*. Women playing REAL FUCKING METAL. The good stuff.
Interested.
I'm not here to talk sexual politics. Is it sexist for me to even call attention to the gender divide in the metal scene? Am I too sensitive to this kind of stuff from living in the Bay Area for too long? Who cares? I just want to take a little time to give a virtual high-five to all the ladies kicking ass in the metal world, carrying the banner forth into a bold new age of heavy metal equality. Below you will find a list of 25 underappreciated bands, all of whom are either fronted by women or in some way populated by them. Depending on how metal/internet literate you are, you may have heard of all, some, or none of these bands. Deal with it. I've included links where appropriate, for furtherance of research. Enjoy.
(Before you start, go back and download the Females In Extreme Metalcompilation. It is the soundtrack to this post.)
1) SCARY BEAR All-girl instrumental thrash from Seattle. Camellia posted about them here. What she didn't mention is that one of the chicks in Scary Bear is Charles Bronson's daughter. Like, FOR REAL. METAL CRED AS FUCK. (Myspace)
2) KYLESA Stony, psychedelic, rocking doom metal from Savannah, Georgia. They're blowing up right now, you've probably already heard them. (Myspace / Last.FM)
3) HUNTRESS Our very own Seanford plays drums in this band. Former Playmate Jill belts out metal vocals over crazy Professor shred (Side note: The Professor guys don't play on the Huntress Myspace songs). Without giving anything away, let me just say this: You will be hearing A LOT MORE about Huntress in the near future (and not from me). (Myspace)
4) RUNHILD GAMMELSAETER (THORR'S HAMMER/KHLYST) Runhild (left) first crushed skulls at the tender age of 17, when she travelled to Seattle from Norway as an exchange student. There she met up with Stephen O'Malley to form the ridiculously heavy (but ridiculously short-lived) Thorr's Hammer. Her gutteral take on doom metal vocals instantly blew EVERYONE'S mind, but she quickly disappeared back to Norway. She later resurfaced in James Plotkin's experi-metal Khlyst, but devotes most of her time to the development of autologous cell-based therapeutics working for a genetic research firm. Dang.
PS: I first heard Thorr's Hammer on the aforementioned Women In Extreme Metal compilation over a decade ago. Such is the case with the next five bands listed as well.
5) ACROSTICHON Corinne van der Brand has been rocking bass and vocals in this crippling death metal band since 19-fucking-89 (!). From the Netherlands, the most metal place in the world. (Myspace / Last.FM)
6) WITCHES Why haven't you heard of France's half-female black thrash troop Witches? Is it because you suck? Or is it because their name is nearly un-Googleable? (Myspace)
7) NOVEMBER GRIEF All-girl death metal four-piece, again discovered on the F.I.E.M. compilation. Unbelievably fucking brutal. Almost impossible to track down recordings, but you can dl their demo here. (Myspace - lots of good video.)
8) DAMAD Pre-Kylesa crust-grind topped off by the eclectic and severe vocal stylings of one Victoria Scalisi. Look for more Damad on IC soon... (Myspace / Last.FM)
9) NOOTHGRUSH Last band to be featured here that I discovered on F.I.E.M. Downtuned, Star Wars-obsessed doom from the South Bay, featuring the insane percussive assault of a little lady named Chiyo. Get their (sort-of) greatest hits collection Erode The Personhere. (Myspace / Last.FM)
10) ORB OF CONFUSION Speaking of the Bay Area, did everyone already get that Orb of Confusion demo I put up here last November? I hope so. Orb featured Brooklyn native (and my good Bro) Laurie on bass and vocals, although she left shortly after the demo was released. What did she do after, you ask? Well...
11) SERPENT CROWN Laurie hooked up with singer/guitarist Dara from Santhai to form Serpent Crown. Will Carroll from every SF metal band ever joined on drums. Sadly, since the formation of Serpent Crown, Laurie up and moved to L.A., where I'm sure she'll be starting up something new very soon. Serpent Crown is still rocking, with a different bass player. (Myspace) On with the SF bands...
12) MANSLAUGHTER (DALTON) What can I say about Manslaughter? She's one of my bestest Bros, and the metal-est chick I know. Not only does she handle bass duties in Dalton, but she also plays in a new freak-rock ensemble known as Dutch Windmill as well as occasionally dressing up as Xena Warrior Princess to front Warriors of the Snake Pit. She even took on the Eric Adams persona when Dalton became WOMANOWAR for one show (right). And look, she just started a Blogger account! Not long before she's writing for IC...
13) SAROS Encyclopaedia Metallum says "Blackened Progressive Death/Thrash Metal", which I guess sort of covers it. Guitarist/vocalist Leila Abdul-Rauf totally reminded me of a female Chuck Schuldiner the first time I had the Saros experience. Their drummer's name is Blood Eagle. I see him in Trader Joe's sometimes. (Myspace / Last.FM)
15) TARRAKIAN Another mega-stony SF-based doom metal thing, Tarrakian (left) features a mega-stony chick named Kelsey on bass and vocals. Did I mention that they're pretty stony? (one look at their Myspace page will confirm it.)
16) LUDICRA Being based in San Francisco, it is sometimes difficult to ascertain exactly HOW BIG a local band has gotten. But I'm pretty sure everyone already knows about Ludicra. (Myspace / Last.FM)
Elsewhere in the world...
17) DANA DUFFEY (MYTHIC/DEMONIC CHRIST) Dana Duffey (right) has been keeping it real, death/black metal style, since 1991. First with all-girl three-piece Mythic (Myspace / Last.FM) and then with Satanic warriors Demonic Christ (Myspace / Last.FM). Check her out. Dana is NOT fucking around.
18) ATAKKE Kick-ass thrash/grind/HC out of Brooklyn, fronted by Peter's homegirl Chloe Puke. Absolutely fucking FACE-MELTING. (Myspace / Last.FM)
20) DEMONOMANCY Similarly, all I know about all-girl Florida death-metallers Demonomancy I learned from this post on Metal Inquisition. It's pretty much all I need.
21) HELL HATH NO FURY Female-fronted thrash/mosh from L.A., recently shared a bill with them in SF. Their cover of "Caught In A Mosh" rocked my fucking balls off. (Myspace)
22) SKARP Another killer crust/grind band hailing from Seattle. See previous IC post here. (Myspace / Last.FM)
23) ALAS Another side project of Morbid Angel/Hate Eternal guitarist Erik Rutan, except this time it's metal... Fronted by a female opera singer. See previous IC post here. (Myspace)
24) OXIPLEGATZ Space-themed sci-fi black metal that occasionally bursts out into full-on Disney-style musical numbers. Again, what's not to like? See previous IC post here. (Myspace / Last.FM)
That can't possibly cover it. Who did I forget? Let me know in the 'Comments' section.
PS: It was my distinct honor to receive an honorary Bachelor's Degree of Letters from Miskatonic University last evening (see below). The degree was delivered by our own very female (and VERY METAL) Camellia sinensis. I am humbled.
* About The Great Kat: Does anyone remember when her publicity team was attempting to contact me almost a year ago? I never got a chance to relate the end of that story. It goes something like this... Kat's sister (also her publicist) gets ahold of me, totally unsolicited, asking if I want to interview The Great Kat ("The Great"? "Ms. Kat"?). Of course I do. I tell her that. She says they will send me free stuff. Long story short, I spend hours constructing thoughtful, humorous questions which I then send off to Her Highness. SHE NEVER WROTE BACK and I never got any free stuff. What the fuck, The Great Kat?!?!
Ya gotta give it up for LoudFarm.com (above), "Your guide for music events in San Francisco Bay area". This is a website with an absolute dedication to nourishing the local music scene, committed whole-heartedly to both quality AND accuracy. These guys strive day and night to promote live entertainment in every way possible, keeping folks updated on important happenings in and around our beloved city by the bay. I can't say enough good stuff about this website. Pure professionalism. Promotion at its finest.
Sure, they caught us from a weird angle, but I have to admit: we actually look pretty good in this picture. Oh wait a minute. That's folk singer Karen Dalton. My bad. That's OK though, she is the first thing that pops up when you type "dalton" into a Google search. I mean, you have to actually type "dalton SF" into Google to get to our website, and, well... Shit, my fingers are exhausted from typing that last sentence.
These things can be forgiven. At least they provided a link to our (outdated) Myspace page, if nothing else. One out of two ain't bad. What's that? The Myspace link directs to alt-pop soul artist Micah Dalton? OK. That's cool. Honest mistake, LoudFarm. No offense taken. Luckily, there's a Last.FM link as well... That sends you to a page for the 70's/80's Italian progrock band Dalton. Check these dudes out:
AWESOME.
I must commend the tireless and thorough LoudFarm research team on their unprecedented promotional services. Without you, the residents of this fair city would be in a fog of confusion pertaining to live musical entertainment. Thanks for keeping the facts straight and the people informed!
Here's another blast from the collective California punk/HC past, the East Bay's Black Fork and their 20-minute epic Rock For Loot. I guess that in retrospect this album's main commercial selling point would be the fact that it was produced by Billie Joe from Green Day, but please don't hold that minor detail against it. This is some ass-kicking, fun-loving punk rock, fronted by one Robin Tussin, whose vitriolic, visceral vocal delivery raises these guys a couple notches above the rest of the pack. Reminds me of carefree days chugging malt liquor and taking five-hour road trips to see killer bands play free shows in Oakland warehouses. Good times.
A caveat: The original recording has a bunch of unrelated and seemingly random samples bundled at the end of the record, six full minutes of unnecessary jibber-jabber. I have uploaded both jibber-jabbery and jibber-jabber free versions below.
Download songs-only version HERE Download songs-plus-samples version HERE Purchase HERE