FABIO FRIZZI - THE BEYOND SOUNDTRACK (1981)

Really?
Well over 3 and a half years of Illogical Contraption and no one has ever posted Fabio Frizzi's brilliant score to Lucio Fulci's (right) 1981 weirdo/gore/zombie/WTF/chiller The Beyond? This is inexcusable. Nigh unto treason. I scorn the entire writing staff for their oversight and laziness.
I found myself revisiting this film during a late-night bender just recently, and found myself once again blown away by a) the way everything in this movie happens for no apparent reason and applies to no real storyline (It's Italian, for fuck's sake! These flicks never make any sense.) b) that scene with the blind chick and her dog on the bridge (still super creepy), and c) THE FUCKING SOUNDTRACK, MAN! SO GOOD!!!

Despite the quality of Frizzi's compositions (past IC posts have explored the droning, minimalist genius of City of the Living Dead/Gates of Hell and Zombi 2), he is far from "profilic" or "well known", recording just a handful of popular scores between the late 60's and today. Sure, his work on the first Zombie, Manhattan Baby, Argento's A Cat In The Brain, The Psychic, and Kill Bill Part 1 (known as Kiru Biru in Japan) have assured him his fair spot in the pantheon of great Italian film composers, but his renown remains mostly in his home country. Frizzi remains nestled comfortably within his own private Brozone Layer, pumping out the ill jams at a consistent--but not megalomaniacal--rate, always keeping it creepy, always keeping it gnar. Sick jams.

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Frizzi on Last.FM

THE IRON BUTTERFLY CONSPIRACY

Iron Butterfly, mid 70's. Philip Taylor Kramer pictured at far left.

I doubt that anyone with any sort of passing knowledge of music history doesn't know who Iron Butterfly is ("In-A-Gadda-Da-Vidda"?), so I'll hop right into the meat of this story without too much preamble. Let it simply be known that despite the fact that they produced only one hit song, Butterfly has existed in one form or another, on and off, for over 45 years now, experiencing probably double-to-triple as many lineup changes as IllCon stand-bys like Incantation or Napalm Death, all the while completely avoiding record industry trappings like "record sales" or "critical acclaim". They peaked in 1969, my friends, no secret there, but have managed to cling to life, like a horde of burnout zombies, ever since.
Today's story is only tangentially related to the band itself, insofar as it revolves around a dude (Philip Taylor Kramer, pictured above right with the sick pink Warlock) who played bass, sang, and played keyboards for the band for only 3 years (1974-'77), appearing on only two critically-panned albums (Scorching Beauty and Sun And Steel, both released in 1975). Taylor's story is a zany and mysterious one, and one that I was completely unfamiliar with until last week's episode of IllCon Radio (thanks to caller "Floyd from Arkansas" for the tip).

Philip Taylor Kramer's life story is speckled with high weirdness and scientific anomaly, to the point that his stint in Iron Butterfly remains a mere footnote. After his departure from the group, he acquired a degree in aerospace engineering via night school, which he applied to numerous technological adventures in the following two decades. Kramer's abrupt "disappearance" (death? suicide? transdimensional ascension?) in 1995 remains a mystery to this day, surrounded by rumor, conspiracy, and nefarious connotation.

Band photo from another early Kramer project, Gold. Phil is again pictured at far left.

Right: Photo of a skull identified as belonging to Philip Taylor Kramer, discovered in Decker Canyon (near Malibu, CA) in 1999.

After obtaining the aforementioned degree, Phil moved on to several odd pursuits, among them helping the US Defense Department develop a guidance system for their infamous MX Missile series in the 1980's (NOT the Brazilian thrash metal band). He rode the Silicon Wave of the late 80's and early 90's in Southern California, proving himself a pioneer in the fields of both facial recognition systems (see also: BIOMETRICS) and fractal compression (I still don't 100% understand how fractal compression works, but you can start HERE and work your way out).

Eventually (and strangely), he went into business with Randy Jackson (left)--NOT the American Idol judge/former Journey bassist, but brother of our old pal Michael. They formed a company called Total Multimedia, Inc., wherein Phil served as an executive from 1990 until his cessation-to-be in 1995. The company specialized in compression techniques for CD-ROMs (special focus on the previously-mentioned "fractal" offshoot), and their greatest claim to fame was that they "developed the first video compression capable of producing full motion video from a single speed CD-ROM" in 1992.
But Phil had other interests outside of business and CD-ROM compression. He had a burning desire to discredit the theories of one man, an evil tyrant whose ideas haunted Kramer to the bitter end:



Einstein: WHAT A DICK.
Seriously. Let's skip all the biometrics/facial recognition creepiness for a second and get down to the proverbial "brass tacks". Ever heard of a little theory called "special relativity"? I bet you have.

Wikipedia: "(Special relativity) generalizes Galileo's principle of relativity—that all uniform motion is relative, and that there is no absolute and well-defined state of rest (no privileged reference frames)—from mechanics to all the laws of physics, including both the laws of mechanics and of electrodynamics, whatever they may be. Special relativity incorporates the principle that the speed of light is the same for all inertial observers regardless of the state of motion of the source.
This theory has a wide range of consequences which have been experimentally verified, including counter-intuitive ones such as length contraction, time dilation and relativity of simultaneity, contradicting the classical notion that the duration of the time interval between two events is equal for all observers. (On the other hand, it introduces the space-time interval, which is invariant.) Combined with other laws of physics, the two postulates of special relativity predict the equivalence of mass and energy, as expressed in the mass–energy equivalence formula E = mc2, where c is the speed of light in a vacuum. The predictions of special relativity agree well with Newtonian mechanics in their common realm of applicability, specifically in experiments in which all velocities are small compared with the speed of light. Special relativity reveals that c is not just the velocity of a certain phenomenon—namely the propagation of electromagnetic radiation (light)—but rather a fundamental feature of the way space and time are unified as spacetime. One of the consequences of the theory is that it is impossible for any particle that has rest mass to be accelerated to the speed of light."

Would YOU trust this guy?

HELL NO. Philip Taylor Kramer, missile-maker, fractal compressor, digital-face-recognizer, and stony-hippie-bass-noodler, wasn't having any of this shit. His life goal was to disprove the theory of special relativity, to develop a "warp drive" via quantum mechanics that would not only negate Einstein's "you can't go faster than the speed of light" bullshit, but also open up the gates of the cosmos. After all, wouldn't the cancellation of "E=mc2" indicate such a possibility? Kramer believed so, but his highly-coveted personal research never had a chance to fall upon the unsuspecting public.

(Anyone else keeping up with CERN's baffling "beyond the speed of light" results over there at the LHC recently? Anyone? No?)

Kramer began getting paranoid about his studies, thinking that perhaps his ambitions about space/time travel might be ruffling some feathers with his previous employers (i.e. The Man). Shit started getting weird. I'll let Wikipedia tell you the rest:

On February 12, 1995 he drove to Los Angeles International Airport to pick up an investor. He spent forty-five minutes at the airport but failed to meet the investor. Kramer did make a flurry of cell phone calls, including one to the police during which Kramer said, "I’m going to kill myself. And I want everyone to know O.J. Simpson is innocent. They did it."
He was never heard from again. This led to a massive search, many news reports, and talk show segments including an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, America's Most Wanted, The Unexplained ("Strange Disappearances," first aired 5/7/2000), and Unsolved Mysteries some years later. An article in Skeptic reported numerous conspiracy theories about his death.
On May 29, 1999, Kramer's Ford Aerostar minivan and skeletal remains were found by photographers looking for old car wrecks to shoot at the bottom of Decker Canyon near Malibu, California. Based on forensic evidence and Kramer's emergency call to the police, authorities ruled his death as a probable suicide committed on the day on which he was last heard.

Cool. Seems pretty tidy. No loose ends to tie up here, folks.

Seriously, if you've SEEN The Naked Gun, you know this guy's innocent.

According to Kramer's family, he had never displayed any sort of self-destructive/suicidal qualities and was, despite his well-founded paranoias, a pretty content and easy-going guy. After all, he was a millionaire.

According to evidence gathered at the scene, he died with 40 cents in his pocket.

Nothing to see here.

Here's the previously-mentioned Unsolved Mysteries segment in its entirety. Warning: the audio is utter shit (turn it up).



More on the Iron Butterfly Conspiracy via Above Top Secret.

VARIOUS ARTISTS - THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD SOUNDTRACK (1985)

To be honest, I'm not really a huge fan of any one band on the Return of The Living Dead OST (not even Roky Erickson--please direct your indignant hate mail to illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com), butt ass a hole, the whole thing just WORKS, probably just because of all the fond memories I have personally attached to this beyond-stellar 1985 masterpiece of a film. I mean, zombie movies just don't get much better than this. Real talk.



Track list:

1. Surfin' Dead - The Cramps
2. Partytime (Zombie Version) - 45 Grave
3. Nothing For You - TSOL
4. Eyes Without A Face - The Flesheaters
5. Burn The Flames - Roky Erickson
6. Dead Beat Dance - The Damned
7. Take A Walk - Tall Boys
8. Love Under Will - The Jet Black Berries
9. Tonight (We'll Make Love Until We Die) - SSQ
10. Trash's Theme - SSQ


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*Extended version with dialogue snippets and whatnot over at Digital Meltdown

A CONSPIRACY TO END ALL CONSPIRACIES: The Stanggressive Hyperbole of Alex Jones Finally Dovetails Into Undeniable Truth

ATTENTION SHEEPLE!
The biggest news story of the year just broke, and chances are you haven't heard a goddamn thing about it. This is HUGE, nigh unto Earth-shattering. I want you to watch the following video very, very closely, for it holds the key to our collective future as a cohesive human civilization.
Behold:


PS: "Stanggressive" = "Stupid" + "Angry" + "Aggressive".

Now, I'm no friend of Alex Jones. I thought his infiltration of the Bohemian Grove Owl Orgies was pretty cool, but beyond that, his Limbaugh-esque demeanor and penchant for unneccesary shouting has kept me away. He's a douche, long story short, and, like fellow circus barker Glenn Beck, makes up for lack of substance with an overabundance of volume.

But HOLY SHIT has he blown this one wide open.

I'm sure we're all aware of the Bilderberg Group already, but the revelation that these power-hungry Illuminati overlords are controlled by multi-dimensional aliens via DMT vision-quests? Fucking Hell! Where's the CNN coverage? MSNBC? The Daily Show?
Anything?



Jones' assertation that Dimethyltryptamine hallucinations guide the major power decisions made by the ruling financial elite is nothing short of a total revelation for society as we know it, and the fact that mainstream media has ignored the story only strengthens its case. The shape-shifting DMT "machine elves" that Jones refers to in the above video are the true manipulators of all the major media outlets, after all, hence their total silence on the matter.

But let's take a minute to discuss these "elves". Originally popularized by psychedelic guru Terence McKenna (left), these multi-dimensional creatures choose to communicate via drugs like ayahuasca (which contains Dimethyltryptamine), and appear in the lore of many cultures accross the globe. Machine elves (also known as "fractal elves" or "self-transforming elf machines") are totally real, and their existence can be proven by the fact that they have a Wikipedia page.

Check out McKenna's description of the Fractal Elf/DMT experience from said page:

At about minute one or two of a DMT trip, according to McKenna, one may burst through a chrysanthemum-like mandala, and find:

There's a whole bunch of entities waiting on the other side, saying "How wonderful that you're here! You come so rarely! We're so delighted to see you!"
They're like jewelled self-dribbling basketballs and there are many of them and they come pounding toward you and they will stop in front of you and vibrate, but then they do a very disconcerting thing, which is they jump into your body and then they jump back out again and the whole thing is going on in a high-speed mode where you're being presented with thousands of details per second and you can't get a hold on [them ...] and these things are saying "Don't give in to astonishment", which is exactly what you want to do. You want to go nuts with how crazy this is, and they say "Don't do that. Pay attention to what we're doing".



What they're doing is making objects with their voices, singing structures into existence. They offer things to you, saying "Look at this! Look at this!" and as your attention goes towards these objects you realise that what you're being shown is impossible. It's not simply intricate, beautiful and hard to manufacture, it's impossible to make these things. The nearest analogy would be the Fabergé eggs, but these things are like the toys that are scattered around the nursery inside a U.F.O., celestial toys, and the toys themselves appear to be somehow alive and can sing other objects into existence, so what's happening is this proliferation of elf gifts, which are moving around singing, and they are saying "Do what we are doing" and they are very insistent, and they say "Do it! Do it! Do it!" and you feel like a bubble inside your body beginning to move up toward your mouth, and when it comes out it isn't sound, it's vision. You discover that you can pump "stuff" out of your mouth by singing, and they're urging you to do this. They say "That's it! That's it! Keep doing it!".

We're now at minute 4.5 [of the trip] and you speak in a kind of glossolalia. There is a spontaneous outpouring of syntax unaccompanied by what is normally called "meaning". After a minute or so of this the whole thing begins to collapse in on itself and they begin to physically move away from you. Usually their final shot is that they wave goodbye and say "Deja vu! Deja vu!".



From Terence McKennaLand: Terence McKenna (1946—2000) has been studying the ontological foundations of Shamanism and the Ethnopharmacology of spiritual transformation for the past quarter century. An innovative theoretician and spellbinding orator, Terence has emerged as a powerful voice for the psychedelic movement and the emergent societal tendency he calls The Archaic Revival. Poetically dispensing enlightened social criticism and new theories of the fractal dynamics of time, Terence deobfuscates many aspects of the visionary lexicon, and then some. As Artist Alex Grey suggests, "In the twilight of human history, McKenna's prescription for salvation is just so crazy it might work."

"Joe Rogan knows what I'm talking about."

Whoa. That's a whole SHITLOAD of information to process. First, that the existence of Fractal Elves is a very real and provable fact, but second (and most importantly), that said Elves are a MALEVOLENT, EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL ALIEN FORCE!
I can't say it's much of a surprise: as Mr. Jones said before, politicians often stumble about in a weird, zombie-like haze, and the fact that they are all tripping super fucking hard on DMT all the time explains quite a bit.
The wool has been pulled back, revealing what I think many of us suspected already: The Bilderberger/Illuminati/reptilians are high as shit on hallucinogens, communicating through channels undiscovered by modern science with malevolent robot elves. Fuck.



OF COURSE this is why the Bible forbids drug use! It all makes so much sense now!

1 Peter 5:8 - "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Galatians 5:19-21 - "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

Translation: "Don't trip on DMT, it will make you see the Fractal Elves that control the government, bro."

A simple equation:











^^^You.

So there you go. I am again forced into a grudging, mutual-respect-based stalemate with Alex Jones, based solely on his unwavering dedication to truth and justice. Illogical Contraption salutes you, Mr. Jones, and we pledge our allegiance to you in the upcoming battle with the Annunaki-reptilian/Fractal-based self-transforming elf machines. You have once again exposed The Man Behind The Curtain, and this time, when he approaches in the guise of a "jewelled self-dribbling basketball", we will see him for what he is: pure, unadulterated EVIL.

ALEX JONES: WINNING.

A Crash Course In Second-Tier 80's Cartoons Fueled By Equal Parts Nostalgia And NyQuil

Oops. It appears I've fallen down another rabbit hole. Hopefully, like me, you're sick as Hell and laid up on your couch, because this is going to take awhile. It started with me looking for a few old cartoons on YouTube. Hours later, eyeballs dry and carpal tunnel setting in, I realized it would be a criminal act if I didn't share.
I honestly couldn't keep this list any shorter than 20 shows, running the entire gamut of my cartoon-watching career. You can get most of these on DVD now, which I highly recommend doing if you're a cynical old codger like me. All of these shows are still better than just about anything you can find on television these days, what a shame that the majority of them ran for only one season or less...
Oh well, kick back and enjoy a healthy dose of nostalgia with 'ol Uncle Cobras, and, as always, feel free to add your own favorites in the comments section...


ULYSSES 31 (1981-82)



"The plot line of the series, (made by the French Jean Chalopin), describes the struggles of Ulysses and his crew against the divine entities that rule the universe, the ancient gods from Greek mythology. The Gods of Olympus are angered when Ulysses, commander of the giant spaceship, Odyssey, kills the giant Cyclops to save a group of enslaved children, including his son. Zeus sentences Ulysses to travel the universe with his crew frozen until he finds the Kingdom of Hades, at which point his crew will be revived and he will be able to return to Earth. Along the way they encounter numerous other famous figures from Greek mythology given a futuristic twist."

I was a little too young for Saturday morning cartoons when Ulysses 31 first came out (only 2 or 3), but I remember thinking it was pretty badass when I discovered it at an older age. Probably one of the finest sci-fi interpretations of Greek mythology ever created outside of Dan Simmons' Ilium/Olympos...


DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (1983-85)



"The general premise of the show is that a group of children are pulled into the "Realm of Dungeons & Dragons" by taking a magical dark ride on an amusement park roller coaster. Invariably, the children try to return home, but often take detours to help people, or find that their fates are intertwined with the fate of others. Upon arriving in the Realm, the children are a little out of place, but the Dungeon Master, named for the referee in the role-playing game, assuming the role of their mentor, appears and gives them each clothing and magical paraphernalia to suit their abilities."

Some of my earliest cartoon-related memories are of this epic D&D tie-in, so old and foggy were my recollections that watching episodes recently nearly brought a tear to my eye. And how rad is it that the Yoda-esque wizard dude is literally named The Dungeon Master?


MIGHTY ORBOTS (1984)



"The 23rd Century, the future is a time of robots and aliens. The people of Earth have banded together along with several other peaceful alien races to promote peace throughout the galaxy, forming the United Planets. As part of the United Planets, the Galactic Patrol — a body of law-enforcers — works to maintain order, under the leadership of Commander Rondu. However, a powerful criminal organization called SHADOW is out to destroy both the Galactic Patrol and the U.P. Led by Umbra, a massive cyborg-computer, SHADOW employs sinister agents and incredible schemes to attack and someday rule over all corners of the known-galaxy. There is one thing that helps to fight against SHADOW: ingenious inventor Rob Simmons — secretly a member of the Galactic Patrol — creates six special robots who can use their unique powers to battle against the forces of Umbra. Together, these robots can unite to form a giant robot called Mighty Orbot, to fight for truth, justice and peace for all."

Pretty much just a Voltron rip-off, but still pretty spectacular in its own right...


POLE POSITION (1984)



"The show featured three young sibling crime fighters, two of whom were stunt drivers and part of a secret government operation under the guise of the "Pole Position Stunt Show" that was run by their uncle. The youths inherited the role after their parents died in an unfortunate car accident. The team is equipped with two high-tech talking vehicles named "Roadie" and "Wheels". The vehicles featured numerous hidden gadgets like water skis and hover jets. The vehicles' computers themselves are portable and can be removed from the dashboards and carried around using handles (thus they are often referred to as "the modules"). They are characters that appeared as computer-drawn faces displayed on video screens."

Again, many early cartoon memories swirl around this show as well, vivid scenes of Saturday mornings armed with naught but pajamas and a bowl of Cheerios...


JAYCE And The Wheeled Warriors (1985, syndicated 1989-91)



"The show featured two duelling forces. The "good guys" are humans, called the Lightning League. They drive white and silver vehicles with assorted weaponry, and are led by Jayce. The "bad guys" are organic green vegetable-based creatures called the Monster Minds, who tend to take the shape of black and green vehicles. They travel via large green organic vines which can grow in and across interstellar space, and sprout seeds that rapidly grow into further Monster Minds. They are led by Saw Boss."

This show just plain rules, always has and always will. The vehicles were awesome, the villains were awesome, the toy line was fucking kick-ass. How long until we see a Hollywood Jayce "re-imagining", you think?


GALTAR And The Golden Lance (1985)



"The series is about the mythical adventures of three companions: Galtar, Princess Goleeta, and her younger mind controlling brother, Zorn. Galtar, with the help of his Golden Lance, is fighting with Tormack, the tyrannical usurper of the kingdom of Bandisar who is conquering their entire world. Tormack is responsible for the death of both Galtar's parents and assassinating the rest of Goleeta and Zorn's family. Tormack, among others like him, covets the power of Galtar's supernatural weapon, the Golden Lance, in order to combine it with the stolen ancient and indestructible Sacred Shield, which rightfully belongs to Goleeta and Zorn. For whoever holds both cannot be brought down in any form of combat. Also aiding Galtar and his friends are his loyal horse, Thork and the powerful red dragon known as Raven's Claw. Further hindrances (plus comic relief) to this trio comes from inept father and son mercenaries Rak & Tuk, who have a history of double crossing others at every turn, claiming that it is the only work they know."

Kind of a weird and obscure one, Galtar bit He-Man pretty hard, but the plain and honest truth is that this show was better drawn and had way cooler story lines. And no Orko.


M.A.S.K. (1985-86)



"A total of 75 syndicated episodes of 'M.A.S.K.' were broadcast from 1985 to 1986. One of many cartoons produced during the 1980s as a vehicle for toy merchandising, 'M.A.S.K.' (which is an acronym for the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand), was a hybrid of popular era cartoons 'G.I. Joe' and 'The Transformers'. It featured a special task force featuring an array of characters, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming vehicles engaged in an ongoing battle against the criminal organization V.E.N.O.M. (an acronym for the Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered helmets called masks worn by the characters on the show."

All about the toy line and comic book on this one. Sure, the cartoon was pretty great too, but the little tools, helmets, and weapons that the action figures came with? Forget about it.


CHUCK NORRIS: Karate Kommandos (1986)

(Seriously, try to count how many times the announcer says "Chuck Norris" in this intro.)



"This fictionalized version of Norris is a United States government operative with a team of "radically diverse" warriors known as the Karate Kommandos. Together, they fight against the organization VULTURE led by The Claw and his right-hand man Super Ninja."

As far as I'm concerned, this was the high point of Mr. Norris' career. Well, this and Sidekicks , with Jonathan Brandis.


GALAXY HIGH (1986)



"Two earth teenagers who are accepted into the interstellar high school, Galaxy High School on the asteroid Flutor. The teenage boy, Doyle, was a skilled athlete and popular, while the teenage girl Aimee was shy and as the theme song states, "the smartest girl in school, not very popular, not very cool." But once in space their roles are somewhat reversed. The alien teenagers seem to accept the not so popular Aimee, while Doyle tends to rub the aliens the wrong way. Although Doyle finds himself an outcast and having difficulties adjusting, Aimee does not abandon him, and suggests he can make friends and bring glory to Galaxy High through his excellent sporting abilities, which he does by winning a championship in "psych-hockey", which Galaxy High always lost. The show drops many hints of a budding romance between Doyle and Aimee but was never given time to grow due to the show not being renewed for a second season."

I had totally forgotten about this one for several years, but Galaxy High was actually pretty cool. More on the 'comedy' side than the 'action-adventure' fare I usually enjoyed, but enough sci-fi was thrown in that it remained relevant to my interests.


SilverHawks (1986)



"Bionic policeman Commander Stargazer recruited the SilverHawks, heroes who are "partly metal, partly real," to fight the evil Mon*Star, an escaped alien mob boss who transforms into an enormous armor-plated creature with the aid of Limbo’s Moonstar. Joining Mon*Star in his villainy is an intergalactic mob: the snakelike Yessman, the blade-armed Buzz-Saw, the "bull"-headed Mumbo-Jumbo, weather controller Windhammer, shapeshifter Mo-Lec-U-Lar, robotic card shark Pokerface, weapons-heavy Hardware, and "the musical madness of" Melodia (uses a "keytar" that fires musical notes)."

How this amazing series only ran one season I'll never understand, especially since it came from the same creators as the hugely successful ThunderCats. The action figures were excellent as well.


The Adventures of The GALAXY RANGERS (1986-89)



"The show is set in the future, some time after the year 2086, when two aliens from the planets Andor and Kirwin travel to Earth to search for allies against the expansionist Crown Empire led by the Queen of the Crown. In return for the help, the two aliens gave mankind construction plans for a hyperdrive device. After this key event in human history, interstellar travel flourished and a huge number of colonies emerged in distant star-systems. Alongside the growth of human activities in space, criminal activities also grew, and the new colonies required defense against various threats, including the Crown Empire. A group known as "BETA" (Bureau for Extra-Terrestrial Affairs) was founded to cope with these tasks, with a "Ranger" division being a part of it."

The "animated space western" always seemed like a woefully under-explored sub-subgenre, but the fact that this lesser-known series actually stuck it out for three whole seasons lends it a little credence. This was quite simply a really creative, awesome show.


VISIONARIES: Knights of The Magical Light (1987)



"Set on the planet Prysmos, the Visionaries consist of two groups of knights — the Spectral Knights and the Darkling Lords. They are both called to for a competition by the wizard Merklynn. After surviving traps, dangerous creatures, and each other, the survivors on both sides are rewarded. Everyone of them is given a different animal totem which appears on the front of their armor, which they can turn into. The animals are selected by Merklynn based on their personalities."

I had a bunch of the action figures, but if memory serves, the vehicles were where it's at. The show was good too, I still have several episodes tucked away on VHS somewhere...


SPIRAL ZONE (1987)



"On June 18, 2007 renegade military scientist Dr. James Bent uses a hijacked space shuttle to drop his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth, a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). Millions of people are trapped in the dark mists of the Spiral Zone and transformed into Zoners with lifeless yellow eyes and strange red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Bent - now known as Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the Chrysler Building in New York City...
... With major cities Zoned, the nations of the world put aside their own differences in order to fight off the Black Widows. However, only five soldiers using special suits to protect themselves from the Zone could do it. While easy to destroy, Zone Generators were impossible to capture because of booby traps. Overlord would drop more generators on remaining military and civilian centers and force the Zone Riders into a standoff."

Dude. Epic post-apocalyptic zombie warfare. This was a cartoon that would give you fucking nightmares. I actually wouldn't mind seeing a movie version of this one. Christopher Walken as Overlord?


BraveStarr (1987)



"BraveStarr is an American space Western animated television series. The original episodes aired from September 1987 to February 1988 in syndication. It was created simultaneously with a collection of action figures. BraveStarr was the last animated series produced by Filmation and Group W Productions that was broadcast. "Bravo!", a spin-off series (originally called "Quest of the Prairie People") was in production along with "Bugzburg" when the studio closed down...
... Like many of Filmation's TV series (including 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe', 'She-Ra: Princess of Power', 'Shazam', 'The Secret of Isis', and the animated 'Ghostbusters'), a moral lesson is told at the end of each episode. One particularly notable episode is "The Price," in which a boy buys a drug called "spin," a hallucinogen similar to LSD, becomes addicted to it, and dies from an overdose."

I remember the toys for this show being really awesome as well, although I don't recollect ever owning any. That bipedal, anthropomorphic horse always freaked me out, though...


DINOSAUCERS (1987-88)



"The show follows the Dinosaucers and their battles against the evil Tyrannos. Each group is composed of intelligent anthropomorphic dinosaurs or other prehistoric reptilian species. The Dinosaucers are also allied with four humans known as the Secret Scouts. The two groups originally come from a planet in a counter-Earth orbit known as Reptilon. Most of the characters are named after the type of prehistoric animal they are based on, or some pun of the name."

Great show, but I never really got a handle on the name. DinoSAUCERS? Really?


DINO RIDERS (1988)



"The series focuses on the battle between the good Valorians and evil Rulons on prehistoric Earth. The Valorians were a super human race, whilst the Rulons were a mixture of humanoid creatures — both of which came from the future, however ended up transported back in time to the age of Dinosaurs. Once on Earth, the Valorians befriended dinosaurs whilst the Rulons brain-washed them."

Hands down, BEST ALSO-RAN 80'S CARTOON EVER. The concept alone sold me, but the episodes themselves live up to the hype. Mechanized warrior dinosaurs? Where do I sign up?


C.O.P.S. (1988-89)



"The year: 2020. The place: Empire City. The situation: Brandon “Big Boss” Babel (along with his gang of crooks) is holding the entire city under the palm of his iron hand and the Empire City Police Department can do nothing to stop him. As a last resort, Mayor Davis sends in Special Agent Baldwin P. Vess (Codename: Bulletproof) to take him down. However, Bulletproof suffered very serious injuries in a car wreck during a fight with Big Boss' criminal henchmen and had to be taken to the hospital, where he is given a cybernetic bullet-resistant torso to save his life as it would take years for his torso to recover."

Better than the other COPS and killer action figures to boot!


VYTOR: The Starfire Champion (1989)



"Armed with the magic shield Vytor, along with the beautiful Skyla and his friends, battle Myzor Sarcophogus for the Starfire Ring and try to recover the Saturn Orb."

Probably the most obscure cartoon on this list, Vytor was nonetheless amazing, and can be found on DVD in modern times. The video up there just captures such a sense of wonder, of all-encompassing nostalgia... Man, I miss you, Vytor.


CAPTAIN N: The Game Master (1989-91)



"At the outset of the first episode the hero of the series, Kevin Keene, a teenager from the Northridge, Los Angeles, California, and his dog, Duke, are taken to another universe known as Videoland when they are sucked into a vortex, called the Ultimate Warp Zone, that formed in his television. In order to fulfill an ancient prophecy Kevin is destined to become the hero "Captain N: The Game Master" and save Videoland from evil forces, led by Mother Brain from the floating world/fortress called Metroid. By the time Kevin arrives on the scene, Mother Brain has almost succeeded in capturing the Palace of Power and conquering all Videoland."

It was like playing Nintendo without the hassle of actually using your hand muscles! Or brain! Genius!


THE PIRATES OF DARK WATER (1991-93)

(No embeddable versions of the intro on YouTube, enjoy a "fan trailer" instead.)



"The Pirates of Dark Water is a fantasy animated series produced by Hanna-Barbera in 1991. The series followed a group of adventurers on a quest to collect the Thirteen Treasures of Rule, which possessed the combined power to stop an evil substance known as "Dark Water" from consuming the alien world of Mer."

By the time Pirates of Dark Water came out, I was just about grown out of my cartoon phase, moving on to other useless pursuits like girls and sports. But it was still an excellent show, a guilty pleasure for a young teenager unable to abandon his childhood outright. Plus, the female protagonist? BABE CENTRAL.