Oakhelm - Betwixt and Between (2007)

Regular IllCon followers should know of the name Pete Jay and the quality musical output he has been part of. Quality shit such as Wormwood and Black Queen, both can be obtained here, and also of the all-mighty Assuck for those unacquainted.
Pete has been busying himself with Oakhelm (alongside members of the also pretty awesome Fall of The Bastards and Lovecraft inspired Aldebaran)  for some time now. I discovered this album a few months ago and it became something of a regular on my daily work route and then by chance I happened across the impressive green/yellow vinyl pressing of this in a second hand store. Both these events made up my mind about sharing it with you guys.
Oakhelm play a brand of black metal influenced by Viking and folk themes as much as double bass and raspy vocals. The whole Viking thing has never been something I really got when it came to the various sub-genres of metal that populate the musical landscape these days. I always found it somewhat cheesy at the best of times. Maybe its growing older or just a maturing of my musical palette but the tastefully composed acoustic breaks, chanting and well placed samples ( they actually recorded waves crashing against the shore, rainfall and a crackling campfire) just click with the rampant double bass, harsh riffing, twin leads and dual vocals. Some solid, Viking and folk influenced black metal from solid players.

Download

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Metal Archives

On a unrelated note, I am beginning to compile the next part in the When drawing Goes Wrong series, Photoshop Abortions. Of course dealing with those heinous photo shopped album covers we all know. I thought I would throw it open to the IllCon contingency after the snowball of mentally crippled art posts and community high fiving that resulted in the superb MS paint thread. Anyway, if you know of any special needs, photo shopped terribleness in art form, then feel free to share it with us. You can email whipit@hotmail.co.uk or message via here and here.

Not with a Bang but a Bloop

IllCon East, cubicle #435 reporting for duty. Today we're going to talk about The Bloop. If you don't already know about The Bloop, hang in there, uncle these a beast will catch you up.

Way back in '97, NOAA caught this on tape:

The sound itself is pretty unspectacular until you stumble on its story (from Wikipedia):

The Bloop is the name given to an ultra-low frequency and extremely powerful underwater sound detected by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) in 1997. The source of the sound remains unknown.

The NOAA's Dr. Christopher Fox does not believe its origin is man-made, such as a submarine or bomb, or familiar geological events such as volcanoes or earthquakes. The source is a mystery both because it is different from known sounds and because it was several times louder than the loudest known recorded animal, the blue whale.

Curious indeed. Animal in origin, yet notably louder than the loudest creature known to man. Which means this sound came from an animal we have not identified yet.

NOAA says the sound came from about 50 degrees South, 100 degrees West. I suspect they only publish an estimation because they don't want anyone to panic. Because if they admitted that the sound came from exactly 47 degrees South, 123 degrees West, like HP Lovecraft had predicted years prior, then we would all realize that this sound clearly came from the vestibular folds of Cthuhlu's slimy maw.

Observe:
Point A - the exact location of R'lyeh
Point B - the approximate location of The Bloop

I leave it to you to decide what the truth is.



Also, here's the best Jack Kerouac / Cthuhlu mashup novel you'll ever read: Move Under Ground. I haven't finished reading it but it has already augmented my lexicon - Manhattan is now "turd island" and big-fish-in-a-little-pond is now "king flea." I'm up to the part where R'lyeh pops up out of the ocean and Kerouac asks a 4 inch tall Ginsberg where he can find Cassady.

Also, here's Ruin Lust. Do you want breakdowns? FUCK YOU. They are a relentless onslaught of NWIWSNGDM (New Wave of Incantation Worship Super Nice Guy Death Metal). Quality of vid sucks. Enjoy it anyway.



Download / Buy? / Metallum / Last.fm

H.P. Lovecraft - II (1968)

It's little surprise that the work of H.P. Lovecraft has resonated through metal as much as it has. Preoccupation with otherworldly evil, a whole-hearted willingness to offer point blank depictions of situations meant to dismay anyone with delicate sensibilities, and a concision that can be appreciated by even the most ADD-addled Napalm Death fan. It's a relationship that extends back to the genre's origins (“Behind The Wall Of Sleep” gracing Black Sabbath's first album), and one that has little parallel in any other style.

From what I can gather, however, the first band to lay bare their debt to Lovecraft's work was the California-by-way-of-Chicago band with the rather unsubtle moniker H.P. Lovecraft. The band started as a collaboration between folk session musician George Edwards and classically-trained multi-instrumentalist Dave Michaels, after the owners of Dunwich Records (that's right) suggested the name and morose aesthetic to the members. The band recorded their an eponymous debut album which, while featuring the langorous title track “The White Ship,” was a largely uninspired affair, a melange of fairly standard garage rock and pop psychedelia that was being heavily peddled at the time.

The band relocated to the more hippie-friendly climes of San Francisco in late 1967, and were generally well-received, selling thousands of albums in the Bay Area alone and touring the West Coast heavily. Due to the extensive touring schedule, the band had little time to prepare material for their sophomore release and when it came time to record H.P. Lovecraft II, the band had to rely on studio improvisation, orchestration, and extensive use of trippy sound effects. The resulting album was received far less warmly despite the fact that it demonstrates a band utilizing a variety of strengths to create something that stood apart from the sunnier side of most rock music being produced at the time.

Shame this guy doesn't show up.

Tightly-intertwined vocal harmonies display the two singers' varied backgrounds, songs drop away into eerie sound effects or string sections, brief bits of narration provide a sinister edge. The fact that all the Strawberry Alarm Clock fans of the world didn't get it is a testament to its power. It was an exploration of the soul's darker corners, still psychedelic, but in a way that only occasionally references the flowers and sunshine tropes of the band's contemporaries. Yeah, they sing about love sometimes, and there aren't too many literal references to Lovecraft's literary works, with notable exceptions like “At The Mountains Of Madness,” but the general mood is one of a band reaching for something more unsettling than their contemporaries and succeeding wildly, providing an effective evocation of Lovecraft's writing and a portent of the manner in which his writing would affect similar somber-minded bands for decades to come.

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H.P. Lovecraft - II

INVASION OF THE POD PEOPLE

Image courtesy of Mark Rudolph, Requiem Metal Podcast

I'm not sure what percentage of Illogical Contraption's readership listens to podcasts--it is, after all, an acquired taste, not the most popular form of entertainment, but burgeoning nonetheless. I subscribe to exactly 20 myself (my computer's memory won't allow for much more and I ain't about to start dumping 'em onto my external hard drive), and in the last 6 months or so my music-to-podcast ratio has been about 50/50. They're a great alternative to commercial radio for a guy like me that spends alot of time in cars or on public transportation, after all you can't spend 100% of your earbud time rocking to Russian slam metal (can you?). So today's post is a breakdown of the aforementioned 20 podcasts on my roster, most of them probably pretty well-known and familiar to you if you're already an enthusiast, but hey, whatever, I thought I'd share...


- HorrorEtc

An in-depth exploration of the horror genre (amongst many other things) with very-Canadian hosts Anthony and Ted (and sometimes Doug). Podcasts are produced at least once a week, with a huge archive for your perusal (almost 200 episodes, most in the 1:30 to 2 hour range). These guys like to swill beer while they talk slasher, gore, thriller, suspense, etc., but slobs they aren't--discussions often swerve into the technical minutiae of filmmaking, and they are always "films", not "movies".

Pros: 300+ hours of obscure horror cinema talk at your disposal.
Cons: Anthony in particular can come off as a little bit pretentious, and subject matter is explored SO deeply and thoroughly that a lot of uninteresting fodder gets thrown in.

- Junk Food Dinner

Junk Food Dinner, although relatively young, appears to be a weekly affair, and, like HorrorEtc, is almost completely film-related. The Skype-based format of its production model allows for 3 hosts based in Ohio, LA, and New York to be present for each episode, with each of them bringing an obscure film to the table for discussion every week. Along with quite a bit of "nerd news", good musical interludes, and plentiful digression, JFD brings the B-movies, grindhouse, horror, sci-fi, and 80's comedies hard and fast, and I always end up adding a movie or two to my Netflix queue after listening.

Pros: Shitloads of quality flicks you've never heard of.
Cons: Only, like, ten episodes available on iTunes right now.

- Doug Loves Movies

Continuing with the movie theme, we have the always-stoned Doug Benson and his weekly comedy/film trivia podcast Doug Loves Movies. Usually performed live at the UCB Theater in LA, DLM is always populated by an entertaining list of A-to-B-grade movie stars and comedians (he got John Lithgow!), and always ends in a spirited round of The Leonard Maltin Game.

Pros: Never fails to entertain--Benson is a genuinely funny host and guests are mostly lucid and well-chosen.
Cons: The live setting of the show doesn't always translate 100% to podcast format.

- Comedy Bang Bang

Transitioning from film to comedy, we now start with our 5-show block of podcasts from the Earwolf Network, co-founded by Comedy Bang Bang (formerly Comedy Death Ray) host and former Mr. Show writer Scott Aukerman. I posted on CBB/CDR back here, sharing several of their finest clips via YouTube, but again, the show archive is massive and stocked with quality bits, offering hours and hours and hours and hours of listening pleasure to the casual comedy enthusiast. Comedy Bang Bang is often considered the yardstick by which to measure comedy podcasts, and Aukerman's format (usually featuring a movie or music star paired with an "in-character" comedian) is about 90% successful.

Pros: Seth Morris, Nick Kroll, James Adomian, and Paul F. Tompkins ALWAYS kill it.
Cons: Humor-wise, CBB can be pretty hit-or-miss.

- Affirmation Nation with Bob Ducca

The first "official" CDR/CBB spin-off features Seth Morris as the ailment-stricken self-help addict Bob Ducca, initially introduced on Comedy Death Ray as Aukerman's (fictional) ex-stepdad. In a departure from the "usual" comedy podcast format, Affirmation Nation is offered in 1-to-4 minute installments 5 times a week, and somehow, almost every episode manages to be literally laugh-out-loud funny. Highest recommendations possible.

Pros: Introduction of terms like "faucet titties", "Kettle Corn enema", "nasal halitosis", and "hand putty" into your daily vernacular.
Cons: None.

Pro tip: Bob Ducca's Twitter account is amazing, if you're into that sort of thing.

- Mike Detective

A deft send-up of the long-gone private eye/film noir genre, Mike Detective is the creation of comedian/actor Rob Huebel (of Human Giant and Children's Hospital), and is chock full of ridiculous wordplay, graphic single entendres, low-brow comedy, and brilliantly stupid puns. Episodes are usually in the 5-to-10 minute range, with the first "season" ending recently.

Pros: Like Affirmation Nation, good for a few solid belly laughs.
Cons: Episodes are short, few and far between.

- How Did This Get Made?

Speaking of Human Giant, Huebel's co-star Paul Scheer (who also appeared in Piranha 3D and was quasi-interviewed by our own Brother Cory back here) co-hosts the twice-monthly shitfest HDTGM? with Jason Mantzoukas and June Diane Raphael, and consistently nails it with his brutal eviscerations of past and current Hollywood garbage (most of it involving Nicolas Cage). This podcast can be an acquired taste, but I personally have an unquenchable thirst for shit-talking bad movies, the worse the better (and vice versa?).

Pros: In-depth plot analysis of movies like Sucker Punch and Drive Angry: Shot in 3d save you the pain and hassle of actually watching them.
Cons: I actually wish the 45 minute-to-1 hour episodes were longer.

- Who Charted?

The last in our series of 5 Earwolf-produced podcasts is Howard Kremer and Kulap Vilaysack's Who Charted?, a show which, despite being pretty funny, I consider something of a neccesary evil. Their weekly run-downs of top charters in film, music, video gaming, and the like are mostly foreign to my ultra-specialized tastes, but in a way, if I must keep up with pop culture, this is the way I want to do it--in short, controlled, 10 second bursts.

Pros: Good guests, good music (Kremer moonlights as alter-ego comedy rapper Dragon Boy Suede), and a healthy dose of deserving cynicism (mostly on Howard's part) when discussing "popular stuff".
Cons: I could tell you what song was #3 on the dance charts last week, if I wanted to.

- The Nerdist

Another "guilty pleasure" on the list, the Nerdist podcast (co-hosted by Chris Hardwick, Jonah Ray, and Matt Mira) is sort of like the "morning radio show" of my poddictions. These dudes are all legitimately funny, super nerdy, and full of quick wit, but also obsessed with the Hollywood "scene", often pandering to A-list guests or dropping names unnecessarily. I don't know--I can't always get behind the Nerdist 100%, but it hasn't stopped me from downloading and listening to all 100+ shows in their archive.

Pros: The title implies a certain degree of nerd and/or geek-based knowledge, which the show delivers in abundance.
Cons: Chris is hung up on himself, Jonah likes to talk about "indie rock", and Matt is a fan of the Dave Matthews Band. 'Nuff said.

- The Pod F. Tompkast

Paul F. Tompkins is a fucking comedy genius, and his foray into the world of podcasting is a welcome one. But while the Pod F. Tompkast is well-produced, creative, and intelligent, it lacks variety, an element that will hopefully be added when the first episode recorded in front of a LIVE audience airs next month. This show is relatively new, and could use a couple tweaks to hold listener interest better. But I trust the comedic instincts of its seasoned host, and hopefully the Tompkast will continue to improve accordingly.

Pros: Regular visits from well-worn Tompkins characters such as Cake Boss, Ice T, Gary Marshall, and Dame Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Cons: Paul's one-man, direction-less rants can get tiresome (he needs to start bringing on some guests), and his ongoing segment featuring extended phone conversations with comedian Jen Kirkman don't really go anywhere.

- Superego

Holy shit this show is bizarre. And fucking hilarious.
I stumbled accross this one on a chance recommendation from the previously-mentioned Mr. Tompkins, who, along with other well-known comics like Patton Oswalt and Andy Daly, has done extensive guest-voice work on the show. Somehow, the creators of Superego have created their own off-kilter comedic language, full of weird non-sequitirs, purposefully misplaced pauses, nonsensical word combinations, and pure, unadulterated insanity. I'm not even really sure what to call it. It is "sketch comedy", yes, but somehow beyond it as well, contorting into abstract surrealism and improvisational scat-storytelling as well. If Tim & Eric directed the Firesign Theater, the results would be something resembling Superego.
As a bonus, the production value and technical details are top-notch as well, with the podcast itself being presented in a "chaptered" format I've never before experienced in a comedy podcast (custom graphics "follow" the show's storyline as well, changing on your iPod's display screen as the episode progresses). But above all, the show is FUNNY, and if you choose to take the plunge, you'll soon be as enamored with Shunt McGuppin, General Zod, Don DeLillo, and The Pray-Day-Dur Kid (you'll know when you get there) as I am.

Pros: Pretty sure this podcast actually makes you smarter.
Cons: Only one 20-minute-to-half-hour episode per month.

- WTF with Marc Maron

I guess WTF is the closest you can get to a "mainstream" comedy podcast, although that term means something totally different in such a specialized form of media. Maron still produces his interview segments from his own garage (when he isn't conducting them live on stage or from a hotel room), with his own gear, and each episode is flavored, for better or worse, by his cynical, twisted world view. Say what you will about the bitter old fuck, but Maron certainly isn't a "sell-out", and half the fun of the show is hearing his own dark, honest stories intertwined with those of his (usually) high-profile guests. Unlike mainstream television or radio interviewers, WTF is unafraid to sink its proverbial claws into its victims interviewees, and the magic of the show is hearing about the darkest fears and anxieties of otherwise "untouchable" comedy/media stars.

Pros: Endless kvetching.
Cons: See "Pros".

- Things We Did Before Reality


Personality-wise, SF-based comedian Will Franken has a lot in common with Marc Maron--they're both unrepentantly bitter and angry, sharp of wit and tongue, and prolific as Hell--but Franken's podcast is a hard 180 from Maron's dry back-and-forth, a frenetic, schizoid, one-man romp indulging all the voices in his head. Where Maron is liberal and prone to chin-scratching introspection, Franken is (beneath a confusing mass of conflicting voices) actually pretty conservative, and never hesitant to put his ideas into action. Despite a complete schism with his Republican leanings, I have to hand it to the guy: Things We Did Before Reality is an amazing listen, an obvious labor of love that is as funny as it is random. Franken's stream-of-conciousness ramblings involve a huge cast of characters (all performed by the man himself), an arsenal of sound effects and weird references, even a healthy dose of original music. This is probably the most obscure podcast you'll find on this list, and undeservingly so.

Pros: REALLY FUNNY.
Cons: No new episodes in over a year, looks like a limited run...?

- Out There Radio

Man, I listen to waaayyyy too many comedy podcasts. Shit.
Anyway, next up on the list is Out There Radio, a conspiracy-themed 50-part series created several years ago by two college dudes in Georgia. Now, I've gone through my share of "conspiracy" podcasts, and without fail, ALL of them except Out There have fallen by the wayside. You see, conspiracy theory-based podcasts always fall prey to one of two downfalls: they either A) are super boring, or B) have awful production (basement-dwelling conspiracy nuts rarely get the feedback the need to correct such issues). Out There succumbs to neither, and as a result, remains an all-time favorite. Running the gamut from UFOs to Satanism to mass suicide to the JFK assassination/Warren commission to Nazi cults to 2012 to Charles Manson, show topics are engaging and well-researched, and the hosts are wise enough to present both sides of every case while endorsing neither. As a bonus, when you subscribe to Out There on iTunes, you also get a couple dozen episodes of a Disinformation series these same guys did, super recommended all around.

Pros: Hugely informative.
Cons: Defunct.

- Requiem Metal Podcast

... And onward to the METAL podcasts! I've spoken about Requiem at length here on IllCon before, but allow me to repeat myself once again: this is a GREAT show, and has turned me on to a shit-ton of previously-undiscovered gems (mostly Swedish) in the recent past. Hosts Mark and Jason have put in decades of service to the metal cause, and it shows in the quality of their work. While my taste in metal doesn't always converge with theirs (come on, guys, that new Cathedral is AWFUL!), I don't really expect it to either, as metal is a splintered prism of fractalized preferences and styles. These guys love ALL of it, which is why the show works so well.

Pros: Hugely informative.
Cons: A whole show abouth the fucking DEFTONES? Really?

- MetalCast

Double that previous statement for MetalCast: The Ultimate Metal Show. This international endeavor is extremely heavy on the symphonic Italian power metal, gothic Grecian power metal, Finnish psychedelic power metal, etc. etc. etc.--long story short, lots of stuff that I don't really care about. But it is formatted, like Superego, in CHAPTERS, making it really easy to skip forward and backward over songs to get to the good stuff. MetalCast is actually a pretty awesome resource for exposure to new metal, and, like several other podcasts here, their archives are enormous. Like Requiem, MetalCast is a great way to discover music you would never be exposed to otherwise, and the thick-ass accents present on the entire rotating cast of hosts are pleasing to the ear as well.

Pros: At least one exciting discovery per episode. What the Hell is a Nader Sadek?
Cons: Power metal. Power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal. Power metal.

- StarTalk Radio

OK, metal's over. Good metal podcasts are hard to find, or maybe I'm just too picky...?
Either way, we're now getting into the intellectual stuff, so I won't blame all you knuckle-dragger if you want to bail now. Gone? OK cool.
StarTalk Radio, hosted by "celebrity astrophysicist" Neil DeGrasse Tyson (you may have seen him on The Colbert Report or The Daily Show), succeeds in its goal of making science--both celestial and terrestrial--accessible to the common fuckup, by relating the basic tenets of physics and biology to pop culture, whether it be movies, comic books, sports, or music. By avoiding the humdrum lecture style of the average science teacher, Tyson makes science an engaging topic, and by bringing the odd comedian on as a sidekick manages to keep conversation light and goofy. But be careful, because you might end up actually learning something.

Pros: LEARNING CAN BE FUN!
Cons: Neil DeGrasse Tyson is kind of a smug bastard. He seriously introduces himself as "Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson" in EVERY EPISODE.

- H.P. Podcraft.com

Depending on your literary preferences, you probably either love or hate Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Me, I reside firmly in the former camp, although I think everyone can agree that his style of prose is convoluted, confusing, heavy-handed, and over-wrought. Luckily, the dudes over at the H.P. Lovecraft Literary Podcast have your back, creating a show that can be viewed almost as high-production-value audio Cliff Notes of the man's work. Seamlessly fusing sound effects, readings via actors from the original text, and extensive plot analysis and insight (their exploration of At The Mountains of Madness is at 5 hour-long episodes and counting), HPPodcraft is an excellent companion piece to the writings of one of horror's greatest minds, and will most likely help you parse some of Howard's most heinous run-on sentences--with a dash of macabre humor.

Pros: Will allow you to reference Lovecraft's work much more freely and accurately in mixed company. Chicks are WAY into that.
Cons: Niche interest. I doubt many people will enjoy this one as much as I do.

- Dan Carlin's Hardcore History

I don't really know much about Dan Carlin outside of this podcast, but it was recommended from several different sources and I'm glad I checked it out. Wanna listen to a seven-plus hour history of ancient Rome with ALL of the gore, murder, incest, and baby-sacrifice intact? Good! Carlin's got you covered, breaking down several of history's greatest epochs into lascivious, easily-digestable 90-minute chunks. I don't really consider myself a big history buff, but Hardcore History expounds on humanity's finest (and most deplorable) hours in a way that is both interesting and informative, and even though I'm not sure if more episodes will be made or not, there is plenty here to keep you busy for dozens of morning commutes.

Pros: More "smart" podcasting. Might as well stimulate your brain cells while you slowly destroy your eardrums.
Cons: Dry-er than Barbara Bush's vagine.

- This American Life

Okay. I admit it.

Pros: What, are you too "cool" to sit down and just listen to a GOOD FUCKING STORY every now and then? Jesus man, get over yourself. Asshole.
Cons: Listener may or may not develop brown corduroy patches on elbows of jacket, listener may or may not sprout ponytail, spectacles, or bad facial hair, listener may or may not find him/herself driving a Prius or visiting local Farmer's Market more than once daily.


So there you have it. The 20 podcasts that I subscribe to, in no particular order. What buried treasures are YOU CLOWNS listening to these days? Comments section, go!

Monday Morning Science Corner: SIPHONOPHORES

Siphonophorae or Siphonophora, the siphonophores, are an order of the Hydrozoa, a class of marine invertebrates belonging to the phylum Cnidaria. They are colonial, but the colonies can superficially resemble jellyfish; although they appear to be a single organism, each specimen is actually a colony of Siphonophora. The best known species is the dangerous Portuguese Man o' War (Physalia physalis). With a body length of 40–50 m, another species of siphonophore, Praya dubia, is one of the longest animals in the world.



Siphonophores are especially scientifically interesting because they are composed of medusoid and polypoid zooids that are morphologically and functionally specialized. Each zooid is an individual, but their integration with each other is so strong that the colony attains the character of one large organism. Indeed, most of the zooids are so specialized that they lack the ability to survive on their own. Siphonophorae thus exist at the boundary between colonial and complex multicellular organisms. Also, because multicellular organisms have cells which, like zooids, are specialized and interdependent, siphonophores may provide clues regarding their evolution.



Like other hydrozoans, certain siphonophores can emit light. A siphonophore of the genus Erenna has been discovered at a depth of around 1,600 meters off the coast of Monterey, California. The individuals from these colonies are strung together like a feather boa. They prey on small animals using stinging cells. Among the stinging cells are stalks with red glowing ends. The tips twitch back and forth creating a twinkling effect. It is theorized that twinkling red light attracts small fish that have been found eaten by these siphonophores. While many sea animals produce blue and green bioluminescence, this siphonophore was only the second lifeform found to produce a red light (the first being the Scaleless Dragonfish, Chirostomias pliopterus).


Due to their highly specialized colonies, siphonophores have long misled scientists. They were for a long time believed to be a highly distinct group, but now are known to have evolved from simpler colonial hydrozoans similar to Anthomedusae or Leptomedusae. Consequently, they are now united with these in a subclass Leptolinae.



The Siphonophorae have long fascinated scientists and layfolk alike, due to their dramatic appearance as well as the large size and dangerous sting of several species. Compared to their relatives, their systematics are relatively straightforward.

Many siphonophores are bioluminescent, glowing green or blue when disturbed. All siphonophores are predators, and use their many tentacles to capture crustaceans and small fish.




Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again. He knows where They have trod earth's fields, and where They still tread them, and why no one can behold Them as They tread.

Only vistas eh?

COLOR ME RADD

The results are in.
The Third Annual Illogical Contraption Coloring Contest, despite a slow start, has proven to be a monumental success, topping last year's turnout by a whopping 5 (!!!) entries. Artistic statements from our Illogical Brethren run the gamut from well thought out to downright silly, but they all share one common factor: IllCon's trademarked and copywritten penchant for quantum insanity and moral ambiguity--the calling card of a true IC Bro. Without further ado, I present the thirteen "runners-up" in our contest, with winner(s) being presented upon the morrow. I thank everyone who participated from the bottom of my blackened, bloodless heart, and hope that the Fourth Annual Contest will be every bit a success as the Third. You guys rule.

Check this shit out:


Our first entry comes from longtime friend of the blog The Ugfromumant, and I urge everyone to click this thing for full size. Not only does he namecheck the Stephen King King Killed John Lennon Conspiracy (see the kid's shirt on the left), but if you look really close, the kid next to that kid is wearing a fucking TRIVIUM shirt. Which is all kinds of awesome. Behold:

There is also Four Loko involved, bonus points.

Secondly, we have this lovely Lovecraftian abomination courtesy of our friend and IllCon contributor Crankenstein, a fantastic depiction of Cthulhu raining down blood and gore upon the Holy. HPL would be proud:



Next up we have John W's tribute to Omar from The Wire, a show that I'm not actually all that familiar with. But if the show is anything like John's artwork, it has to be pretty sweet:



Josh G went all Photoshop on us with this one, paying especially close attention to shading, skin tones, and realism. Dude is a pro:



Our buddy MikeTM from the hilarious I Kicked Your Car In The Balls contributed this minimalist masterpiece, which I think contains a lesson we can all learn from:



Another longtime friend of the blog, Really Good@Wounding, sent in this colorful tribute to the fallen heroes of 9/11, and I applaud his aesthetic sense and attention to detail:



Brother RyGar from (Nobody Knows) I'm New Wave has been lurking around these parts for way too long as well, and his paean to the Elder Gods is every bit as creepy as he is:



You know who fucking rules really hard? SMEG. That's who. This motherfucker is the only dude who has submitted entries in all three IC Coloring Contests, and even went the extra mile this year to create not one, but TWO pieces of timeless art. I'd love to call him this year's winner on principle alone, but I think we'll all understand how and why I made my decisions by tomorrow morning. Bravo, Smeg. Bro personified:




Awesome.

Lastly, we have Tyler H. This guy wanted the trophy really bad, and I was within inches of handing it to him. Tyler got drunk and created no less than FOUR separate entries in a haze of stuporous inspiration, a monumental achievement in itself. It pains me to leave such hard work and dedication (relatively) unrewarded, but I'm sure Mr. H considers the very honor of having his artwork featured on this illustrious blog rewarding enough. Right, Tyler? No?
Check it:








Seriously, that last one allllllmost won. SOOOOO close.


Tune in tomorrow for the stunning conclusion to our long and arduous tale. Champions will rise, lives will be destroyed, and the very fabric of the time-space continuum will be shredded and torn like so much coloring paper.

CHEERS!