Oakhelm - Betwixt and Between (2007)

Regular IllCon followers should know of the name Pete Jay and the quality musical output he has been part of. Quality shit such as Wormwood and Black Queen, both can be obtained here, and also of the all-mighty Assuck for those unacquainted.
Pete has been busying himself with Oakhelm (alongside members of the also pretty awesome Fall of The Bastards and Lovecraft inspired Aldebaran)  for some time now. I discovered this album a few months ago and it became something of a regular on my daily work route and then by chance I happened across the impressive green/yellow vinyl pressing of this in a second hand store. Both these events made up my mind about sharing it with you guys.
Oakhelm play a brand of black metal influenced by Viking and folk themes as much as double bass and raspy vocals. The whole Viking thing has never been something I really got when it came to the various sub-genres of metal that populate the musical landscape these days. I always found it somewhat cheesy at the best of times. Maybe its growing older or just a maturing of my musical palette but the tastefully composed acoustic breaks, chanting and well placed samples ( they actually recorded waves crashing against the shore, rainfall and a crackling campfire) just click with the rampant double bass, harsh riffing, twin leads and dual vocals. Some solid, Viking and folk influenced black metal from solid players.

Download

Buy

Metal Archives

On a unrelated note, I am beginning to compile the next part in the When drawing Goes Wrong series, Photoshop Abortions. Of course dealing with those heinous photo shopped album covers we all know. I thought I would throw it open to the IllCon contingency after the snowball of mentally crippled art posts and community high fiving that resulted in the superb MS paint thread. Anyway, if you know of any special needs, photo shopped terribleness in art form, then feel free to share it with us. You can email whipit@hotmail.co.uk or message via here and here.

CARL ORFF - CARMINA BURANA (1937)

Metal? Really?
You mean to tell me you haven't evolved beyond that childish, chest-pounding foolishness yet?
There are vaster, brighter horizons to behold, aural transmissions far deeper and more meaningful. Metal is dead, Orff has murdered it.

Bows will chug, gutteral roars will erupt from battle-weary lungs. The clanging of sabre on iron shield, a challenge issued to God Himself. Thunderous screams as hammer strikes string, fists clenching weapons as Death marches forth on a winter tempest.

Metal? Orff scoffs at the idea.


Wikipedia: "In the mid-1920s Orff began to formulate a concept he called "elementare Musik", or elemental music, which was based on the unity of the arts symbolized by the ancient Greek Muses (who gave music its English name) and involved tone, dance, poetry, image, design, and theatrical gesture. Like many other composers of the time he was influenced by the Russian-French émigré Igor Stravinsky. But while others followed the cool, balanced "neoclassic" works of Stravinsky, it was works like the composer's Les noces (The Wedding), a pounding, quasi-folkloric evocation of prehistoric wedding rites, that appealed to Orff. He also began adapting musical works of earlier eras for contemporary theatrical presentation, including Claudio Monteverdi's opera L'Orfeo (1607). Orff's German version, Orpheus, was staged in 1925 in Mannheim, Germany, under Orff's direction, using some of the instruments that had been used in the original 1607 performance. The passionately declaimed opera of Monteverdi's era was almost unknown in the 1920s, however, and Orff's production met with reactions ranging from incomprehension to ridicule.

Orff's relationship with German fascism and the Nazi Party has been a matter of considerable debate and analysis. His Carmina Burana was hugely popular in Nazi Germany after its premiere in Frankfurt in 1937. Given Orff's previous lack of commercial success, the monetary factor of Carmina Burana's acclaim was significant to him. But the composition, with its unfamiliar rhythms, was also denounced with racist taunts. He was one of the few German composers under the Nazi regime who responded to the official call to write new incidental music for A Midsummer Night's Dream after the music of Felix Mendelssohn had been banned – others refused to cooperate in this. Defenders of Orff note that he had already composed music for this play as early as 1917 and 1927, long before this was a favour for the Nazi government.

Orff was a friend of Kurt Huber, one of the founders of the resistance movement Die Weiße Rose (the White Rose), who was condemned to death by the Volksgerichtshof and executed by the Nazis in 1943. Orff by happenstance called at Huber's house on the day after his arrest. Huber's distraught wife begged Orff to use his influence to help her husband, but Orff denied her request. If his friendship with Huber came out, he told her, he would be "ruined". Huber's wife never saw Orff again. Wracked by guilt, Orff would later write a letter to his late friend Huber, imploring him for forgiveness."



Carl Orff: Nazi-sympathizing douchebag asshole? Yes. Genius? Yes. More METAL than Cannibal Corpse fistfucking the mesh-shirted corpse of Dave Vincent? You better fucking believe it, Nancy.

O Fortuna, despite its omnipresence in modern society/pop culture, remains one of the most METAL pieces of music to ever exist before the actual existence of "metal" (see Excalibur), and the larger work from which it is taken, Carmina Burana (more info on the original artifact HERE), is a fist-pumping, overtly Satanic ode to all things violent, epic, and brutal.

Metal? I fart in your general direction.

(Then again, if you must bask in that lowly genre, I suggest you go check out ARCHSPIRE.)

"circle pit"

Get Orff's best-known (and most powerful) work, Carmina Burana, here:

O Fortune,
variable
as the moon,
always dost thou
wax and wane.
Detestable life,
first dost thou mistreat us,
and then, whimsically,
thou heedest our desires.
As the sun melts the ice,
so dost thou dissolve
both poverty and power.
Monstrous
and empty fate,
thou, turning wheel,
art mean,
voiding
good health at thy will.
Veiled
in obscurity,
thou dost attack
me also.
To thy cruel pleasure
I bare my back.
Thou dost withdraw
my health and virtue;
thou dost threaten
my emotion
and weakness
with torture.
At this hour,
therefore, let us
pluck the strings without
delay.
Let us mourn together,
for fate crushes the brave.

Amen.



PS:

Tonight 10pm-midnight HERE.
Call in (415) 829-2980.

DOES NOSEBLOOD RECORDS CARRY NEOFOLK?

REAL TALK. Is it metal blogger suicide to declare one's love for neofolk in only one's second post? Probably, huh.

INTRO: Last month, I read this Decibel feature on neofolk which got me thinking a little more about the genre. It's always just kind of been accepted (if not necessarily embraced) as part of the metal canon but how did it get there? Was it because a handful of black metal bands went puss in 1996-1997 and picked up acoustics? Is it like when Michael Jordan played baseball for those couple years but he'll always be a basketball player? (no, it's not even remotely like that). Or is it that there is an inherent symbiosis in the DNA of Heavy Metal and that of neofolk? Sure, both dig dark ambiance, medieval music, the occasional bow chugging sesh, and totalitarian semiotics (wolves and shit), but there's got to be more to the relationship between these strange bedfellows than that.

Hypothesis: I call bullshit on the Neofolk-as-metal-genre phenomenon. How can you have a genre simultaneously rooted in and inextricably linked to industrial, classical, Northern-Eastern Europe indigenous folk music, and heavy metal? Aren't these mutually exclusive to a degree? Don't get me wrong, I've got as much of this stuff clogging up my shelves and iPod as the next guy. I'm man enough to admit I've got love for Amber Asylum. But what I don't get is why they crop up in the metal dialogue in the same breath as Agalloch, say. Just cos they got cellos and covered 'Kneel to the Cross'? Can someone enlighten me?

Let's look at the data.

From my analysis, you've got three main food neofolk food groups, none of which sound like they have anything to do with one another or with metal. Maybe there is more to this taxonomy, but writing this blog is a voluntary thing and Revenge is on tonight.

ENCHANTED FOREST NEOFOLK

Here we have Musk Ox, that one album by Ulver, and dozens of other dudes who can completely shred the classical axe. This is my go-to stuff for dinner time or showing my 11-month-old how to whittle a wolf totem. Musk Ox has been garnering attention for a couple of years through endorsements by some heavy hitters, like members of the aforementioned Agalloch. He plays unambiguously beautiful guitar accented by piano, chants, and some atmospherics. Of all the bands in this post, Ulver is perhaps the most varied in that they went from raw black metal, to straight-laced nylon string guitar folk, to Shadows of the Sun, which boasts a theremin, a string quartet, and a cameo by Fennesz of all people. We could spend all day debating how deftly they made these transitions.

I'm going to lump Wardruna and their ilk into the Enchanted Forest neofolk group too. Bands who draw inspiration from traditional folks songs of pagan tribes, vikings, gypsies, that sort of thing. Wardruna is the guy from Gorgoroth playing didgeridoo, chanting, and using all sorts of shit to lead the listener through a musical journey about runes, according to Wikipedia and the record sleeve. I'm feeling it. Everyone knows runes are metal as fvck. Hate Forest had Battlefields which co-opted ostensibly Ukrainian folk traditions (I say ostensibly because I can't begin to imagine what real Ukrainian folk music would sound like) and welded it onto a black metal template. Drudkh did the same thing on Autumn Aurora. These are both pretty boring records in spite of Drudkh's almost unimpeachable discography.

Some 'Enchanted Forest' bands get shoehorned into metal via the 'dark ambient' tag. Amber Asylum, for instance. They (she) sound like a newborn fawn drinking dew from the paw of a benevolent giant. But a newborn fawn with a choice contact list as evidenced by callabos from John Cobbet, Steve Von Till et. al. Sometimes Amber Asylum sounds like Enya only more miserable but that is the risk you run dabbling in neofolk. Once we're in the 'Dark Ambient' farthing, we're treading dangerously goth-y territory. In a few short moves via Dead Can Dance and Fields of the Nephilim we're at My Dying Bride and Anathema. NO ONE WANTS TO BE THERE.

RENN FAIRE NEOFOLK

It seems unfair to only have Empyrium and Hekate in this category since they're both German, but that's just how the data sorts out. Empyrium followed a decidedly Ulverian trajectory by releasing a couple folk-inflected metal records before going all in on elaborate coiffuture and singing in rounds. Neun Welten is another one; basically the same thing as Empyrium without the vocals. They too are German.

Hekate is some of the most ridiculous shit you've ever heard. Seriously, one time I listened to them mowing my lawn in the middle of the hot ass day while half drunk and I just had to sleep off the whole experience. It was too much. It's almost completely unlistenable. I'm not talking about Gnaw Their Tongues or Blue Sabbath Black Cheer unlistenable, this is a completely different dimension of unlistenable. On their latest album (Die Welt something or other), Hekate covers Sol Invictus's 'In my Garden,' basically taking a perfectly lovely, somber folk tune and running it through some kind of Johnny Depp-as-Willy Wonka everlasting gobstopper ring modulator or something. I mean, I'm exaggerating but you get the idea. When Hekate are at their most subdued, they sound like some of that hyper-melodic, panglobal music you hear when you're copping a falafel from the Middle Eastern takeout.

STARBUCKS NEOFOLK

This is your Death in June, your Sol Invictus and what have you. Lots of people say Death in June/Sol Invictus invented neofolk but I'm not buying it. They usually sound like Billy Bragg on ludes after reading a bunch of William Blake. With that awful electro-acoustic guitar tone where the brightness is up too high and you're in a coffee shop and it smells like pachoulli farts and someone is singing about dandelion wine. I'm not complaining that they are in the metal club. It means I can listen to them with a clear conscience. But who decided to let them in?

CONCLUSION: Data inconclusive. This exercise has been a complete waste of my time and yours. It has answered exactly zero of my questions. And so I turn to you, consumers, to guide me. Help me understand. Lest we fall down the 'trve metal vs. untrve' rhetorical wormhole, let's keep the question to 'Who put all this flute in my metal and why am I OK with it?'

To get you started, here is a four pack of my favorite neofolk records. I realize all these are pretty safe picks but they encompass most of what I discussed here for the uninitiated. As a bonus at no extra charge I'm throwing in that Hekate album you just need to hear to believe.

PEEP GAME.

Download SOL INVICTUS - Lex Talionis

Download MUSK OX - Musk Ox

Download WARDRUNA - Runaljod-gap var Ginnunga

Download AMBER ASYLUM - Frozen in Amber

Download HEKATE - Die Welt Der Dunklen Garten

Worship Ron Hubbard (no L)

I gave you a good does of C64 a few weeks ago but I’m still not over it. How could you get over jams like these:

















Are you keeping up with the Commodore?


HERE



This is actually the second disk of a double album. The first disk is the C64 Orchestra (yes, a real orchestra) playing these same jams on violins, etc. I don’t have it, but if anybody does, I’m sure it’s awesome. Here’s your chance to bust a sweet alley-oop and post a link in the comments.


Learn more:




What are your favorite C64 tunes?

Classical Blog: Carlo Gesualdo (Possibly the Most Metal Composer of all Time.)

I mentioned in my last composer post that most western classical music written prior to the 20th century doesn't interest me. Carlo Gesualdo is one of the other exceptions. He was born in the middle of the 16th century and lived until 1613.
Gesualdo was an Italian prince and a musical enthusiast from early on. He shredded the axe which is sort of interesting to me since that instrument was considered to be of lesser value then, say, a violin.
Anyway lets get down to business. Carlo married in his twenties and everything went well, for the first four years at least. Around two years into the marriage his wife started having an affair with another nobleman. Apparently this affair was fairly public. Almost everyone knew about it, except Carlo. Finally, two years into this adulterous relationship, Gesualdo caught wind of it. He scheduled a trip and then doubled back once his wife's lover had arrived. He caught them in the act, and in a fit of rage murdered both of them. Wikipedia broke it down like this...

"Details on the murders are not lacking, as the depositions of witnesses to the magistrates have survived in full. While they disagree on some details, they agree on the principal points, and it is apparent that Gesualdo had help from his servants, who may have done most of the killing; however, Gesualdo certainly stabbed Maria multiple times, shouting as he did, "she's not dead yet!" The Duke of Andria was found slaughtered by numerous deep sword wounds, as well as by a shot through the head. When he was found, he was dressed in women's clothing (specifically, Maria's night dress). His own clothing was found piled up by the bedside, unbloodied." "Afterward, he left their mutilated bodies in front of the palace for all to see." Some accounts say that he also killed his second born son as well, since he doubted it was his.

Brutal. At that time his social status prevented him from any legal consequences. He was, however, susceptible to revenge from the families of the deceased. He fled to castle and hired a group of soldiers to protect him. He composed music often over the rest of his life. He composed primarily for vocalists. He published six books of madrigals in his lifetime. One of the most notable things about his music is that he composed chromatic music that didn't come into fashion until the 20th century. He was a good four-hundred years ahead of his time.
Many 20th century composers rediscovered his music and payed tribute to him in more recent years. If you don't have a real ear for it you may not notice it right away. This doesn't sound like Penderecki or Schönberg. Think more Wagner or Ives. What? We haven't talked about them yet? In good time dear reader, in good time. Subtly avant-garde or not these are really nice pieces of music. Easy on the ears you might say. You'll want this around to counter what I dump on you next...

There was a gap of roughly fifteen years between the first four books and the final two. Five and six are the most chromatic of all. I just so happened to include both. Your welcome.


Madrigal Book 5
Download here.

Madrigal Book 6
Download here.

Im having a hard time finding complete recordings of these books for sale but I did find a collection of the six books for under $10 here.

Classical Blog: JS Bach

Ready for another dose of high minded, cultured snobbery?
Too bad you're going to have to deal with it anyway.

Personally I haven't got that into classical music that was written prior to 1900. For the most part it doesn't do much for me. There's a couple exceptions of course. And I'm sure I'll get into more at some point.
There is one pre-twentieth century composer that is nearly impossible to discount and pretty difficult to dislike (Unless your La Monte Young). He is chronologically the first of "The Three B's". His approach to writing music was the basis for what became standard practice in western classical music up until the twentieth century. His influence is still heard in most music made today, metal is no exception. Everything from commonly used chord progressions to the way instruments are tuned can be traced back to this funny lookin guy...



Not to confused with this chubby rocker...



But it didn't start that way...

Johann Sebastian Bach was born in 1685 into a German family that was full of musicians. Bach's father was director of the town musicians and his uncles were all professional musicians as well. The Bach's were musicians for generations prior to Johann and continued to be for generations after. Johann's father taught him to play the violin and harpsichord and one of his uncles introduced him to the organ. He would go on to write this on the instrument...





In the 18th century being a musician was not an extremely lucrative career. You had to either work for some rich ass-hole in a castle or for the church. You didn't write the music you wanted to hear. You wrote the music your boss wanted to hear. You were more or less a servant. Bach worked for both the upper-class and the church throughout his life.
During Bach's lifetime he was known better for shredding on keyboards then writing music. He wasn't well known outside of Germany and after his death he slipped into obscurity. For a while at least. While his name was known by some composers it was almost one-hundred years after his death, in 1750, before he was widely recognized to be a genius. As a result many of his compositions were not preserved and have been lost. There are stories of Bach's scores being used to wrap meat at a market years after his death since he was considered an outdated composer and preserving his music was not a high priority.
He remained a relatively obscure composer, only known to a few other composers, until the 19th century when he became more widely recognized. He is now recognized by many as one of the greatest composers of all time. His melodic and harmonic tendencies are now taught as the "correct" way to compose. His scores are studied by kids all over the world in entry level music theory courses.

There are several pieces by Bach that you will most likely recognize. The first movement of his Cello Suite No. 1 is an example. This is performed by classical performer super star, Yo Yo Ma and features some of his legendary bow chugging (I had to work it in somewhere right?).

Download here.
Purchase here.

I'm also including this disc of his early compositions for harpsichord. This is some face melting shreddage. Personally I think the instrument is pretty rad sounding as well.

Download here.
Purchase here.

A quick side note... Harmonia Mundi, the label who released the above, is excellent. If any of you are curious or getting interested in classical music, you can trust these guys. Classical music can be overwhelming. There are often several different recordings of any given piece and it can be hard to tell which to listen to. There are more then a few recordings of people butchering good music floating around. These guys hold a high standard for the performance, interpretation, and recording quality of everything they put out. There are very few labels that have such consistent quality so I thought it was worth mentioning.

E.L.Oh shit, are you serious?

So I mention ELO last week then this shit happens. Bow chugger Mike Edwards was cruising around in his van when a giant bale of hay came rolling down a hill and FUCKING CRUSHED HIM. What a strange, strange drag. The angels have rested their trumpets and are now chugging their bows.


Jam this one all week.


RIP

SF ON SF: GIANT SQUID

Ok. So I don't live in San Francisco. I live in Oaktown. A city that only a mother could love.

Skimmy I want my dress back bitch

I mean, if you live in a place that has neighborhoods named "ghost town" ,"pill hill","bushrod"?!?!, "the murder dubs" (my old neighborhood- 23rd and 23rd...CHAOS CORNER UUUUUUUUUUGGHHH). Where if you stand on a semi-major street for more than 5 minutes your life might be threatened for those converse shoes you've been wearing since junior high or told by a little 6 year-old that you "have a fine ass booty for a white girl"...where was I going with this? Oh yeah.

GIANT SQUID

(Chugger, Shredder)

In the tails of Seanford's Grayceon and "Fancy Metal" posts I thought it appropriate to throw some mutha fuckin' GIANT SQUID in the mix. Because A) their music is aproximatley hella fancy and B) Giant Squid has two of the raddest, most inspiring and fucking METAL chicks I know. Jackie Perez Gratz once played cello with my old band (as seen below) on a song for a comp. She rules. (Spoiler Alert: Manslaughter and Cory Tozer-shredder extrordinare, *might just be conjuring some evil).

*maybe

(That would be me second from the left with the chain in my hand going UUUUGHH)

Anyways, they totally rocked me the other day at the Tidal Wave Festival in SF and I was like, WOAH. These guys are heavy duty. Which, is hard to impress a crowd when you are competing with these guys:

(No- for real, this really happened)


(can someone tell my bf that tidal wave is over???)




(Aaron makes Jack Sparrow eyes)



(It's not just my photography skills-these girls are HOT)












This video is amazing. Check out the dude in the orange pants. I was up front somewhere.

I think it's in order to entice you with their first album Metridium Fields: HERE. And a stellar sold out 7 inch split with none other than Jackie's other band GRAYCEON. You know who I'm talking about by now, I'm sure.

(FYI I gained full permission before posting this- Jackie even offered to give me a CD to upload-a true blue bro). They've gone through some major line-up changes, all for the better believe me. Jackie then joined the group after this album and they became heavier, more epic and focused.

The second and most recent LP (self released in 2009) the Ichthyologist is a concept album based on a graphic novel by Aaron Gregory (singer/guitarist), who, in fact is an Ichthyologist of sorts. I am so jealous of his profession. He's a scuba diver by trade that worked for a while for SF's Bay Aquarium feeding sharks. WHAT?!?! I was invited by their former drummer and his gf (and ex co-workers of Aaron's) to try my hand (or try not to lose it) doing this, but lagged and he moved to Monterrey to feed sharks down there. WHY GOD WHY?!?! Oh well, it's not like I haven't been up close and personal with sharks before:




Manslaughter Cousteau



This is what Aaron's description of what the album is about:

“Through the thoughts of the album’s protagonists, a man stripped of his humanity and left with nothing but the sea in front of him, comes a story about adapting in inhuman ways to survive the shock of human loss and total emotional tragedy, becoming something else entirely in the process”.

I really cannot say enough about this band and especially their last album. It is progressive, dark, moody, epic, post-metal and avante garde. FANCY!!! I would HIGHLY recommend listening to it on band camp and then BUYING the amazing tripped out colored Double LP on their site and
buy a shirt please too, because these guys work hard for their money, and you know they'll treat you right.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

BONER MATERIAL

JOE HISAISHI - PRINCESS MONONOKE SOUNDTRACK (1997)

Disclaimer time: I told you guys once before (back when I posted the mind-blowing Akira OST) that I'm no big fan of anime. But certain works transcend the genre: the aforementioned Akira, Vampire Hunter D and its exploding heads, and just about anything by my boy Miyazaki -- which of course includes his swan song Princess Mononoke. Mononoke, despite its mellow themes, peaceful imagery, and soothing score, is in fact METAL AS FUCK. I'll tell you why: EPIC PAGAN FOREST SHIT, BRO.

Bam! Fist bump.

Joe Hisaishi (right) aka Mamoru Fujisawa aka Delldongo created a masterpiece of a score for said film, one that is effective for the same reason any great film score is: it establishes mood -- whether it be tension, joy, chaos, or serenity -- quickly and effectively, working with the plot to move forward character development and action coherently. Hisaishi has scored over 100 films in his native country, but remains lesser known in western classical/soundtrack circles. Fucking gaijin.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE





Hisaishi Wiki / Last.FM

SF on SF - GRAYCEON

To be honest there was a minute where I was like, more like GAYceon. But I’m over it now. This album is good, and this band is made up of down bros. The thing is, Professor was doing this tour and Grayceon was slated to do all of our NW dates with us. The ultimate “fancy metal” combo. But then they bailed to do some shows with Lesbian and I was like, ah man, are you serious? Don’t get me wrong. Lesbian rips. I totally dig the Power Hor record. But I’ve seen Lesbian live and I gotta say Professor could shred the hair off their balls. I mean this in the most sophisticated musical context (and I’ll post some Lesbian later on, I won’t forget). Anyway, so I got this record, got super stoked on it, then I held a grudge like a puss and couldn’t listen to it. But that’s not chill. Because this record is actually awesome. I'm back together with Grayceon.

Featuring half of WALKEN, this progressive bay area fancy metal band features electric cello in place of bass. Both vocals and electric cello are handled by this mega bad chick named Jackie and I probably have a huge crush on her. This record is gloomy, its moody, it shreds, its has class, but most importantly and above all else:

BOW CHUGGING








Go here to support bay area fancy metal.
Go here to "preview" This Grand Show (on your way to buying a shirt).

BISON B.C.

With all this talk about new metal bands, I thought it was about time I share one of my favorites. These dudes hail from Vancouver, B.C. (hence the B.C., although I think that has a double meaning.) They are signed to Metal Blade, which is good and bad if you think about it. They have a new album out called “Dark Ages” and I can’t wait to hear it. This is what Metal Blade said about it:

Dark Ages breathes like a rabid animal that you’d find tied up in WINO’s backyard. It’s flying V’s, analog perfection, loud and sludgy, played by hairy dudes in denim jackets.

I’m sorry; did they say Flying V’s, loud, hairy dudes and denim jackets??? I can get down with that.

I’ve seen these guys a few times, and every time they blow all the other bands on the bill away. We’re talking about a bangover with an 11 on the richter scale. And they’ve played on some pretty epic bills. And they are total sweethearts.

Quiet Earth so far has been my fave; in fact there’s even a little bow chugging in there too! Wendigo Pt. 1 (Quest For Fire) is an epic 8 minute beautifully brutal bow chugging song. I love it. I hope you do too, although I’ll try not to be offended if you don’t.

These guys are on tour NOW, playing at the Fox Theatre in Oakland tomorrow, Saturday, May 8^th. AMAZING venue. Not so amazing line up of bands, (except Black Cobra-they rule too). Here’s a suggestion. Go to the show, buy me the new album and a t-shirt (youth medium please) and I’ll provide you with awesome cookies, sandwiches and love for the rest of your life. OR, you can do me a solid Brokkake and do my final project, write my three research papers, and study for my mid term. In which case, you might get upgraded to ribs, baked bacon goodies, and a head-banging partner for life. It’s up to

you.

(Oh, and say hi to the bros)

QUIET EARTH: HERE

Tour dates on their myspace/buy a shirt HERE:

ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION II: Battle At The Edge of Time

Above: George Jefferson Starship Troopers, also coming soon from Illogical Pictures, Inc.

Before Julie And Julia, before I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell (Del Tigre LOVED that movie, PS), before the marriage of blog and film had even been dreamt of by anyone in Hollywoodland, one man stood and said it could be done. That man was ignored, shunned, left behind as others claimed his idea -- and profited.
That man was me.
On February 6, 2009, I pitched a film version of Illogical Contraption to the public at large. Aptly titled Illogical Contraption: The Movie, it was a tale of love, hope, tragedy, and woe, set against a backdrop of secret-society intrigue, epic battles, and the destruction of a fictional particle accelerator. Also, there were lazer-equipped dinosaurs.
But, alas, there were no takers. It's been upwards of fourteen months since my first prophetic vision, and IllCon has grown, matured, and grown hair in strange places. It's time to talk movie crossover again. The potential is out there, Potential Investor and/or Producer, and it is HUGE. This could be the biggest thing to hit the blogosphere in WEEKS, and I'd like you all to take part in the spoils. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION II: BATTLE AT THE EDGE OF TIME!!! (I realize that calling it "II" is a little silly, as "Part 1" never got made. But Hollywood will be dying to talk prequels soon enough.)

In case you're too lazy to click back and check out IC Part 1, let me quickly summarize. The story is based around a musician/blogbro named Kirby Serpents (portrayed by Bruce Campbell, who coincidentally looks a lot like ME), who is one day, through some sort of fluctuation in the space-time continuum, transported digitally into his own blog (which is coincidentally called Illogical Contraption). After a violent and dangerous introduction to this strange and cryptic world, Serpents meets a mysterious, unicorn-riding warrior princess named Sweet Baby Jay, who introduces him to a cast of anthropomorphic barbarians known as the LDDD (League of Dynamic Digital Discord). This renegade battle troop is fighting a war against a shadow organization known as the UOAI (Universal Order of the Architeuthis Infernalis), who are led by the evil godhead Brimley-Cthulhu and are comprised of mostly squid, jellyfish, and various other ilk of cephalopod.

Below: Brimley/Dagon/Cthulhu -- the uncanny resemblance...



Left: Sweet Baby Jay's doppelganger, Cobra's Baroness (old school only, please).

Brimley's legions are constructing The Shadow Collider, which is the blogosphere's evil twin version of the Large Hadron Collider. Once complete, it will allow them to pass through a Stargate-esque portal into the "real" world, where they will enslave all humanity. Kirby can't let that happen.
So using his deep and profound knowledge of all things Illogical, he outwits the UOAI (with the help of now-love-interest Sweet Baby Jay), passing back through the portal to reality just before the Shadow Collider is destroyed. As a bonus twist, Jay and all the bestial warriors of the LDDD are transported back to the real world as well, where they are welcomed as heroes (the public had been watching the drama unfold via Serpents' blog). Earth saved. Story over, right?
Wrong.

Battle At The Edge of Time picks up approximately where Part 1 left off, with Serpents & Co. being worshipped as international heroes. Kirby, Jay, lycanthropic comedy-relief provider Steve Dog (analogous to IC Writer Cory, played in the film by Jack Black), part-shark warrior Amazon princess/cougar Manslaughter (played by Lucy Lawless or maybe Katherine Heigl), and part-tiger jock-poet Del Tigre (played by Jude Law in the last film but replaced by a beefier Vin Diesel in Part 2) are living lives of comfort and luxury, basking in the adoration of a thankful public. But the action comes FAST, and it comes HARD.
I have two words for you, Potential Investor: SPACE JUGGALOS!

That's right. Out of nowhere come a legion of killer clowns from outer space, toppling landmarks and destroying buildings. THERE'S MAGIC EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH!

Below: "Attack of the Space Juggalos!" (artist's interpretation)


Without hesitation, The President of the Universe (played by Donald Gibb) springs into action, calling upon Serpents and the IC Heroes to fight back against the Space Juggalo threat. The team of five soon becomes nine, as they are joined by a band of bloodthirsty Space Marines to ensure their victory. These four Marines are as follows: Lt. Peters is a young, battle-weary Hessian with a personal score to settle against the Juggalos (played by Furio from The Sopranos, duh). Captain Jack is a heavily-armed Midwesterner and explosives expert (played by, I dunno, Paul Scheer?). Sergeant Sinensis is a quiet, mysterious barbarian-sorceress, the extent of her powers unknown to the rest of the crew (played by the same actress who portrayed "Private Vasquez" in Alien). Private Heckler is just a dick. He can play himself. (There's another Space Marine, too: Ensign Asa, who pledges his sword to the battle but never actually shows up, for some reason.)
This crew of mismatched warriors loads up into an artificial-intelligence-piloted warship called the USS Cosmic Hearse (anyone familiar with Iain M. Banks' Culture series knows that AI-captained starships tend to name themselves with a dash of humor) and heads for space. One more thing: the computerized ship pilot goes only by the name Goodkind, and communicates solely through obscure movie quotes (the potential for humorous catchphrases is mind-boggling).

The Hearse and its crew beat back the Juggalo scourge immediately, in an epic, colorful, and violent space battle (see below). The Space Juggalos retreat, pursued by the IllCon/Space Marine team.

Below: "Space Battle!" (artist's rendition)


But this story is just beginning.
After weeks of exhausting battle with the Space Juggalos, the IllCon Marines finally declare victory and head back to Earth. All contact with Mission Control has been lost, and when the Hearse finally re-enters the atmosphere, our protagonists are greeted with hostile fire, originating from some sort of strange, concussive weapon located in Alaska. Confused and panicked, their ship's engines disabled, the crew plummets back to Earth.
They crash land somewhere in Switzerland, and it becomes immediately apparent that the the Earth has suffered some sort of violent cataclysm in their absence. The landscape is ravaged and burnt, and populated by weird, reptilian Juggalo zombie creatures.

Right: The rare Shapeshifting Reptilian Juggalo, photographed in its natural habitat.

The crew must fight for their survival, and through a series of gory battles and encounters with friendly refugees (among them a perpetually stoned mountain wizard, a mad, swamp-dwelling Arab, a Grecian centaur from Alpha Centauri, and a young Satanic geologist) the protagonists learn of Earth's sad fate.

It is revealed that while the IllCon Marines were busy battling the mysterious Juggalo invasion in deep space, a secret society of shapeshifting reptilian Nazis from the center of the Earth rose up and wiped out mankind, enslaving the survivors and sending the few remaining free men into hiding. All has been lost, and the smoldering ashes of a post-apocalyptic society are ruled by a nefarious, autocratic, and largely invisible horde of malevolent lizard-men. Fuck.
On the brink of despair, our heroes retreat to the ruins of the Large Hadron Collider to gather their thoughts and resources. It is here that they encounter the mad scientist Professor Seanford (Keanu Reeves?). Living in fear and seclusion, this brilliant, semi-nomadic ex-physicist sheds further light on the story...



Professor Seanford has studied the reptilian Nazi overlords closely, and knows many of their secrets. They derive their mysterious mind-control powers from a giant, luminescent crystal at the center of the planet (above), a crystal made from a magical compound called, um, cubic zirconiunobtainium. This crystal is guarded by an enormous, horrific monster (closely resembling a super-sized Montauk Monster) and is accessible only by portals at the North and South Poles.
But the revelations don't end there: The Professor is also working on a time machine, whose construction is based on the cryptic formulas behind the Philadelphia Experiment. His goal is to save the world by travelling back to the time before the Space Juggalo invasion/reptilian Nazi takeover to warn the public. Here's the catch: He needs a shard of pure cubic zirconiunobtainium to make his machine work, and the only specimen in existence is the one under heavy guard at the center of the Earth.

The Professor has another bomb to drop, too: BRIMLEY/CTHULHU HIMSELF IS THE HEAD OF THE SHAPESHIFTING NAZI ZOMBIE REPTILIAN JUGGALO FORCES! He followed Serpents and the IllCon Team, undetected, through the Shadow Portal in Part 1, and the Space Juggalo invasion was all part of his diabolical plan to take over the world! Knowing Serpents and the IC Team were the only ones with wit and power enough to stop him, Brimley sent them to deep space chasing Juggalos so he could team up with the Hollow Earth/Nazi Reptile shadow government to enslave the world! Holy shit!

Professor Seanford, Captain Serpents, and the IllCon Marines quickly formulate a plan.
Using the firepower of the newly-repaired Cosmic Hearse, the team will assault Brimley/Dagon/Cthulhu's stronghold at the Earth's hollow core, battling through legions of Garthim (left) and past the giant Montauk Monster to chip a shard of cubic zirconiunobtainium from the Nazi Reptoid Mind-Crystal. Once the shard has been obtained, the Professor will insert it in the fuel receptacle of his time machine, which they will then use to travel to the past and destroy the Large Hadron Collider before the evil mastermind Brimley can pass through. It's a plan so crazy it just might work, and the survival of the entire Earth is at stake. (Cue bow-chugging.)

Right: In this picture, stuntman Bobby Liebling is shown enacting the dramatic Removal of the Shard.

The assault is mounted immediately, and the IllCon Team soon passes through the Polar aperture and heads for the center of the world. What follows is a blindingly visceral lazer battle beneath the Earth's crust, reminiscent of both the Millenium Falcon's trip to the center of the Death Star and Thor's epic battle against Cronos in the pages of Kerrang!
The Hearse soon finds itself face-to-face with the Mind-Crystal, the Montauk Monster, and Brimleythulhu himself. But the evil overlord has a surprise waiting...

Before the IllCon Marines can steal the shard and travel through time, they must defeat a series of genetically mutated creatures created by the mad godhead, beasts so gruesome that simply looking at them could be fatal. Three of these hybrid mutants appear, and the abominations are named thusly: Jack Black And White, Gary Oldman-Numan, and Mr. T-Pain (I told you guys it was all for a reason -- those were PREVIEWS!).
The IC Team quickly splits up, Steve Dog and Captain Jack fighting (fittingly) against Jack Black And White, Manslaughter and Lt. Peters fighting Mr. T-Pain, and Sgt. Sinensis using black magic while Private Heckler slings insults at Gary Oldman-Numan. Del Tigre and Sweet Baby Jay team up to slay the immense Monster, while Serpents pursues Brimley-Cthulhu into a series of dark and foreboding caverns.
Amidst all the confusion, Professor Seanford springs into action, chipping off a shard of The Crystal and inserting it into his time machine. The IllCon Marines quickly beat their retreat to their spaceship, the surface, and the Large Hadron Collider, with Brimley and his beasts in tow.

Below: Dagon-Brimley and The Montauk Monster wage their unholy war within the confines of the Large Hadron Collider.



The fight within the ruins of the LHC is epic in scope, with massive amounts of explosions, decapitations, and flying limbs aplenty. The IllCon Marines are close to defeat, but at the last minute a surprising cameo appearance by a powerful hero saves them: THIS CHICK!
Seanford's time machine finally sputters to life, and the IC Team escapes to the past to destroy the Large Hadron Collider.

They arrive at just the right time, moments after they themselves passed through but moments before Brimley did (see Part 1). All is not lost!
But how to properly destroy this immense contraption? Easy: Serpents was hiding a Higgs boson in his pocket all along. KA-BOOM!

The film ends with the confused, bloody, and exhausted IC Team standing face-to-face with their past selves, who have just travelled through the LHC time-portal. Oh, shit -- a TEMPORAL PARADOX! How will our heroes resolve this one?

To be continued, of course, in another Illogical Pictures production:

ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION III: PARTY ON PLANET MINDFUCK!!!

Of course, we tie the whole production in with the prerequisite Captain Power-esque interactive toy line, as well as an IC RPG for the "cool" kids. Maybe we could even talk Slough Feg into doing some sort of Queen/Falsh Gordon-ish rock opera/soundtrack. This is a story that needs to be told, Potential Investor and/or Producer, and money just waiting to be made.
Think about it. This story has everything: Space Juggalos! Time travel! Space travel! Romance! Heavy metal! Garthim! Apocalypse! Luminescent mind-crystals! Reptilian shapeshifting Nazi zombies! How could it be any worse than I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell?

Hollywood: I await your offers.


Up next: Illogical Contraption: The Novelization?