The Grammies, The Oscars, The Golden Globes, The Screen Actor's Guild Awards... Small potatoes. We all know what's important. The Annual Illogical Contraption Awards Ceremony In Recognition Of Excellence In The Fields Of Awesomeness And Assorted Other Things (A.I.C.A.C.R.E.F.A.A.O.T., or "The Trappies" for short) are here once again, and judging from the warm reception last year's ceremony received, we're in for a big day/night.
We here at IC wear many hats on a daily basis: we're entertainers, researchers, archivists, journalists... But we're also CRITICS, and the internet public at large turns to us for our impeccable taste in stuff on the regular. We take on the near insurmountable task of "judging" art, and we never fail to judge it correctly and accurately. Such is the aim of The Trappies: to put art in its place, whether that place be on a pedestal or in a rubbish heap.
"So welcome to the Trappys, my friends: An award ceremony recognizing the best of music, movies, and the internet for the last year or so. 10 categories. 40 nominees. The winners will recieve their very own Trappy and the smug satisfaction of knowing that they are better than everyone else. For the losers: Shame. Never-ending, soul-shattering SHAME.
I might not be the most well-informed guy, and my opinions on music and movies might not be that popular. But I wanted to let you guys know what has been blowing my mind for the last year or so. And yes, I've left out plenty of people, places, and things that deserve inclusion here. I hope no one's feelings get hurt, but I'm just trying not to think too hard today. Deal with it.
With all that being said, I believe now is as good a time as any to begin..."
1) BEST NEW BLOG
The nominees:
- SMUT CAVE's new Tumblr Page (NSFW): "Ask The Spelunker"!
- FROM THIS SWAMP: Ultimate Bro Abdul Alhazred kicks out nothing but the illest jams for your Lovecraftian/Dystopian consumption.
- BOCA DE FUMA: Brother Clint keeps up abreast of shows, news and art here in our beloved Bay Area (all while somehow managing to play drums in about 16 different bands).
- SERGEANT D's new Tumblr Page: Isn't it about time we backed up off of the Sarge's nuts already?
... And the Trappy goes to...
FROM THIS SWAMP!
Mr. Alhazred's excellent selections have become such standard fare around ICHQ it's hard to believe that FTS has only been around for a year. Always quality stuff, and always delivered with tasty commentary and a firm grasp on the absurd. We salute you, sir.
2) BEST METAL BLOG
The nominees:
- INVISIBLE ORANGES: Scalzi's columns. That is all.
- CITY OF DEVILS: LA Bros holding it down.
- SUNYATA - Mindful of Metal: Mr. Atanamar Sunyata has established himself as a more credible alternative to MetalSucks for metal blogging in the greater NYC area.
- BANG YOUR HEAD OR I'LL RIP IT OFF!: Although spotty on updates, Billoney never fails to churn out the weirdest and most hilarious effluvium heavy metal has to offer.
... And the Trappy goes to...
INVISIBLE ORANGES!
Invisible Oranges has become the "Average Bro's" alternative to more commercial and bullshit-oriented metal news sites like Metal Injection and/or Blabbermouth. Solid content delivered daily, without annoying car advertisements or browser-crashing pop-ups hawking the new Taylor Swift album. Big ups, Cosmo.
3) BEST MP3 BLOG
The nominees:
- COSMIC HEARSE: Isn't it about time we backed up off of Aesop's nuts already?
- THE LIVING DOORWAY... has supplied me with approximately 95% of the music on my iPod at present.
- FROM THIS SWAMP: HOLY SHIT A DOUBLE NOMINATION. This is an historic first in the long and storied history of the Trappy Awards.
- TERMINAL ESCAPE: Satisfying your daily analog jones.
... And the Trappy goes to...
THE LIVING DOORWAY!
Seriously, man. Like 95%.
4) BEST ART BLOG
The nominees:
- MONSTER BRAINS: An excellent time-waster. Archives upon archives of ghastly creatures.
- ASIDES-BSIDES: Brother Helm's long-running comics blog (also last year's Trappy Award winner in this category).
- ANDREI BOUZIKOV'S ART BLOG: Ongoing creations from the cover art master (see: Municipal Waste, Skeleton Witch, Cannabis Corpse, etc etc etc).
- PHOTOSHOP DISASTERS: What can I say? I'm a sucker for this type of lame shit.
... And the Trappy goes to...
ANDREI BOUZIKOV'S ART BLOG!
Andrei is a Bro amongst Bros, and his artwork never ceases to amaze, horrify, and inspire. Detailed, vivid stuff, as close to "beatiful" as heavy metal artwork can get.
5) BEST NEW BAND
The nominees:
- HAZZARD'S CURE: Bro-doom of the stoniest and most epic proportions, purveyed by the aforementioned Brother Clint and the mysterious Solar Stoner.
- KVELERTAK: OMG this band is liek sooo rewls!!! LOllll!!!1!!!1
- CHRONAEXUS: New Sacramento-based atmospheric BM project from members of Slaughterbox. Catch 'em BOTH at the Oakland Black/Death Fest this March 12tha nd 13th at The Metro!!!
- FEAST: Youngsters from Concord,CA playing crunchy, food-themed death metal. What's not to love?
... And the Trappy goes to...
FEAST!
Take my word, these guys are going places. High school-age (?) shredders with a talent for crushing grooves and slick blasts. And the good taste to write a song titled "Deep Fried Alive". Watch them shred a venue known as Dude's Garage in Livermore, CA a couple days ago...
Did I mention they're ALSO playing at the Black/Death Fest this March 13th??? Wow, what a lineup!
6) BEST ALBUM
The nominees:
- DEFEATED SANITY, Chapters of Repugnance: In a metal scene saturated with brutality and crushing riffs, Defeated Sanity somehow manages to raise the bar on brutality and crushing riffs.
- INQUISITION, Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm: We've already discussed this one at length.
- RINGS OF SATURN, Embryonic Anomaly: Although occasionally hinting at weird "deathcore" sensibilties, this self-produced debut is nonetheless a stunning mission statement from a young and extremely talented band, and unsurprisingly won them a contract with Unique Leader Records almost immediately.
- DEATHSPELL OMEGA, Paracletus: Weird BM FTW.
... And the Trappy goes to...
INQUISITION!!!
We've already discussed this one at length.
7) BEST LIVE SHOW
The nominees:
- TIM AND ERIC AWESOME TOUR, GREAT JOB @ Regency Ballroom, SF
- HUNTRESS/HAZZARD'S CURE @ Victory Warehouse, Oakland
- SAINT VITUS/HAMMERS OF MISFORTUNE/WALKEN @ DNA Lounge, SF
- OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST @ The Metro, Oakland
... And the Trappy goes to...
THE OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST!!!
I know what you're thinking: How could a show that hasn't even happened yet win in this category?
I guess you'll just need to come to the show and find out for yourself.
8) BEST SCI-FI and/or HORROR FLICK
The nominees:
- PIRAHNA 3D: The perfect mix of boobies, hilarity, gore, boobies, cryptozoology, and boobs.
- THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE: Effectively bridging the gap between creepy horror and enjoyable, family-friendly rom-com.
- PREDATORS: Dude, Adrien Brody is BLASTED. WTF? PS Splice sucked.
- HOT TUB TIME MACHINE: It counts as "sci-fi", right?
... And the Trappy goes to...
PIRAHNA 3D!
I'm sure many of you will disagree, but I found Alexandre Aja's faithless remake to be a brilliantly-executed excursion into popcorn butter-soaked trash cinema. Instant gratification ALL OVER the place, and some of the best death scenes this side of Dead Alive. Personally, I'm pretty pumped for the sequel. Haters can hate.
9) (new category) BEST BLOG (OTHER GENRES)
The nominees:
- EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!: Working hard to supply us all with heaping portions of awful 90's video.
- LOST VIDEO ARCHIVE: Brother Seth continues to crank out the lost VHS gems, as promised...
- TETRAPOD ZOOLOGY: SCIENCE. Look it up.
- UNFLINCHING EYE: Brother Aylmer has turned me on to more excellent, obscure foreign horror (especially French) than I can even remember.
- TOKYO DAMAGE REPORT: Isn't it about time we backed up off of Schultz's nuts already?
... And the Trappy goes to...
UNFLINCHING EYE!
I think what really sells it is Aylmer's knowledge of the weird and tantalizing. Were it not for him, I would have never experienced the unsettling freakishness of Martyrs, nor the lesser-known works of Basket Case creator Frank Henenlotter. Nice job, dude.
10) (new category) BEST THING EVER... OF ALL TIME
The nominees:
- The Fenis
- "Bollywood Robot Movie"
- Butthurt MetalSucks Readers
- Steampunk Palin
... And the Trappy goes to...
STEAMPUNK PALIN!!!
ROBAMA JUDGES YOU.
Thanks to everyone for hanging out. See you jackholes at the after-party.