OHHHHH YEAH IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON, Y'ALL. GRAB SOME COLD CANS AND CRUSH EM' DOWN YOUR FUCKIN' THROAT. ARE YOU READY TO WATCH THE BOYS THROW SOME PIGSKIN?
Here at IllCon we aren't really into the "sports" world even though senior editor Shelby Cobras is commonly seen around the office wearing various metal branded basketball shorts.
The metal world has long been connected to the gridiron. The Oakland Raiders famously use AC/DC's "Hells Bells" when entering the field. The Kansas City Chiefs like to come out to Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart." As obscure as those songs are, my very favorite football themed song comes from the late Layne Staley's pre-Alice In Chains project aptly titled "Alice N' Chains" (formerly Sleeze). Their love letter to the game is one of the best slap-bass GnR ripoff songs of all time. Check out these lyrics:
(Yup. This is a real thing.)
Something that we ARE actively interested in are hard-to-find soundtracks. That's why I was stoked to come across this amazing gem of a collection - Autumn Thunder: 40 years of NFL Films Music. A 10 disc compilation highlighting the kick ass compositions that accompanied the overly dramatic and amazingly photographed NFL Films productions of the 1970s. This shit fucking rules. I couldn't find the whole thing and I doubt that any IllCon reader would download everything anyway. Here now are discs 5-9. It's PLENTY to hold you over until someone gets you the whole set for Hanukkah. Most of the set highlights the work of Sam Spence. Spence was a former music professor at USC, who while in Munich in 1966, was asked to score some highlight reels for the NFL. His work has since become iconic and his music just as much as part of American culture as the game itself. According to his wiki: "...he can arguably be credited with a significant role in making American football the top professional sport in the U.S." No lie. This dude rules. Also featured here are the songs of David Robidoux, Tom Hedden and William Soden.
Dang. It seems that while we were all cheerleading for the defeat of SOPA and patting each other on the virtual back, somebody snuck in and shut down Megaupload. Bummer. As we bid our old friend MU adieu (and with it, about 75% of the music on this site), we must remain calm and determined in the face of adversity--for there are vast, terrible things still upon the horizon, and our only weapon against the forces of greed and evil is our unity. Stay strong, O my internet brothers and sisters. Stay strong. (PS I don't plan on going back and replacing every single missing Megaupload link, but I'll re-up files on request if you guys ask me nicely.)
Speaking of staying strong, I assume most of you are abreast of recent happenings over at our long-lost twin blog The Living Doorway (we must share at least, like, 90% readership, right?), namely Brother JGD's introduction of the TLD Fit Club, a forum for fat Hessians to talk about (and act on) getting skinny and healthy. As JGD and I share a brain, it comes as no surprise that I am fully on board with the Fit Club, and had actually already undertaken the monumental task, lo these past few weeks/months, of shedding my massive suds-gut, eating right, running, lifting, exercising, etc etc etc. That's right, folks: you can kiss Cobras' fat ass goodbye, and enjoy a much longer, sexier, and more sensual kiss with my brand new, toned, skinny ass. Pucker up. But enough about my rippling torso and rock hard pecs. I was thinking about things a little, and realized that, via the weird psychic connection between JGD and myself, I'm probably more responsible for the TLD Fit Club than he is. I mean, we do share a brain. We like all the same shitty wigger slam and proto-death. We both buy stupid Santa hats to put on our cats at Christmastime (pictures available on request). Doesn't that basically qualify me as CO-OWNER of the Fit Club, if not outright CEO? I think it does, and as such, I've put together a little treat for all you pasty slobs looking to get blasted in 2012. It's been done before (by Sergeant D, I think), and by God it'll be done again, but I made a sick workout mix for you guys as an entry for the (month late, sorry) Don't Call It A Mixtape series, to guide you on your path to utter washboardism. Behold:
Today's delayed mix comes in two hour-long volumes, and basically serve as a Greatest Hits collection from the Cobras DM pantheon. I know when I'm blasting through my fiftieth set of inverted lat-curls, I need some super-crunchy, nad-pumping death metal spewing into my earholes, not too tech-y, too slow, or too slammy (although slam is often cited as a worthy workout companion--rightfully so). So that's what we've got here. Two rock-solid hours of cardio-friendly grind, spanning the entire twenty-plus year existence of the genre we all love so much.
Use this mix wisely, and you will reap the benefits for years to come. I'd like to thank JGD for introducing the concept of Fit Club invite JGD to join in on MY new Fit Club idea, as well as extend the invitation to all you sad, pathetic, fat fat fatties out there too. Let's get ripped. Speaking of JGD, can you guys believe the crappy graphics he puts together over there on The Living Doorway (right)? Seriously? MS Paint? You're better than that, Bro.
I hereby direct your attention to Cryptosporidium Parvum, a quotidian blip on the acne-pocked face of pornogrind circa late 00s. I normally have little patience for this sort of thing but CP's brand of sloppy, under-produced, overblown grind endears itself to me every time. They've got a track, "vaginal love" on their 2007 demo whose amorous title is out of place with pornogrind's usual over-the-top nomenclature and whose beginning does not sound entirely unlike "Louie, Louie." So where most bands lose you with their tales of clitoral evisceration, CP warms the heart with a track about simply loving pussy. Even if this kind of thing isn't your kind of thing (pig grunts and the like) do yourself a solid and have a couple of chuckles over the video for "Ay, Mamsheeta" below. That's right, Mamasheeta. See what they did there?
couldn't find any band photos so used this instead
Now, you guys know I'm no big sports fan--my interest in Major League baseball peaked somewhere around the '89 Bay Bridge Series and has rarely reared its ugly head since--but if I had to pick a "sports hero", it would be, somewhat unsurprisingly, Mr. Dock Phillip Ellis, Jr., heroic pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates (and others) from 1968 to 1979. This video has about 70 bazillion views, but you need to watch it if you haven't yet, and if you have, you should watch it again:
Indeed, Ellis is best known for his notorious 1970 no-hitter, thrown, as he admitted, under the heavy influence of Lysergic acid diethylamide. But there were other admirable occurences in the man's career as well, which we will get to soon. But first, the acid:
June 12, 1970:
Wikipedia: "Ellis pitched a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres on June 12, 1970. He would admit in 1984 to being under the influence of LSD throughout the course of the game. Ellis had been visiting friends in Los Angeles under the impression he had the day off and was still high when his friend's girlfriend told him he had to pitch a game against the Padres that night. Ellis boarded a shuttle flight to the ballpark and threw a no-hitter despite not being able to feel the ball or clearly see the batter or catcher. Ellis said catcher Jerry May wore reflective tape on his fingers which helped Ellis to see his signals. Ellis walked eight, struck out six, and was aided by excellent fielding plays by second baseman Bill Mazeroski and center fielder Matty Alou. Because the no-hitter was the first game of a double header, Ellis was forced to keep track of the pitch count for the night game."
As Ellis recounted it:
"I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria.I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much.I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't.Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder.I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate.They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."
But wait, there's more:
May 5, 1972 macing incident in Cincinnati:
Ellis argued with, and was maced by a Riverfront Stadium security guard on May 5, 1972. The guard said Ellis did not identify himself and "made threatening gestures with a closed fist"; Ellis countered that he was showing his World Series ring as evidence of his affiliation with the Pirates.
May 1, 1974 game against Cincinnati:
Ellis attempted to hit every batter in the Cincinnati Reds lineup on May 1, 1974, as retaliation for the macing incident in Cincinnati two years earlier. Ellis hit Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, and Dan Driessen in the top of the first. The clean-up batter Tony Perez avoided Ellis's attempts, instead drawing a walk, and after two pitches aimed at the head of Johnny Bench, Ellis was removed from the game by manager Danny Murtaugh. Ellis's box score for the game reads: 0 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 0 K.
Ellis also once beaned Reggie Jackson in the face in retaliation for a home run Jackson had hit off of him in the 1971 All-Star game. Which is pretty fucking hardcore.
Lastly, has anyone else noted that, if listed in the phone book, Dock's name would appear as "ELLIS,D."?
Just sayin'.
Dock Ellis died in 2008 of cirrhosis. IllCon salutes him, for the contributions he made to both psychedelic lore and pure fucking BADASSERY. Rest well in higher dimensions, Doctor.
The fourth in a series of five posts based on topics suggested by our beloved readership...
Avid reader Carl W came up with the awesome idea of cataloguing a list of futuristic sportz as seen in in the moviez. It immediately occurred to me that there must be tons of examples.
Best yet, the objective of most of these fictional games is to KILL, KILL, KILL!
I came up with a couple, but it wasn't until I recently had the little exchange below, (in the comments section of a well-known movie website that shall remain nameless), that the fire of my wrath gave me true inspiration...
(the discussion is about the recent I Spit On Your Grave remake - a movie I couldn't give a fuck about - but it's the principal people, THE PRINCIPAL! I highlighted the bits I got really angry about)
IMPECCABLY DISCERNING CINEMATISTE (AKA uptight fucktard): The first film's existence already stirred up my ragelong ago as an exploitative piece of crap, however if someone wants to argue that the original creators wanted to experiment with pushing extreme boundaries and evoking emotion, I might not disagree as much as I might still snort derisively.
We know our horror audience is divided into fans of sub-genres and among those are those fans of torture porn and pointless exploitation. This is not a film or social experiment; this is simply going to gain the director notoriety and future projects, and be lapped up by the type of fans who would yawn in boredom as a live spectator watching Christians thrown to the lions.
I'm already pretty appalled to have read an article header that called this movie's one-sheet "sexy"...
THIRSTY & MISERABLE (AKA Me, AKA Uncultured Gore Lovin' Cretin): Bored? Not at all! I'd love to see some Christians thrown to the lions! If they could toss in a few condescendingly arrogant knee jerk reactionaries too, that'd make for one hell of a night! However, to stave off the numbing ennui it WOULD be better if the victims were SEXY (see ISOYG poster)!
Fuck that pompous, uptight fucktard. Violence RULES; exploitation RULES; sex RULES; drug taking RULES; transgression RULES! And above all, try and remember asshole, IT'S ONLY A FUCKING MOVIE!
So, to the KILLIN' GAMES!
1. STAR WARS - Womp Rat shootin' I think it's pretty safe to assume that as you never actually see one Womp Rat in the entire original trilogy; second trilogy (The Star Wars Holiday Special - Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure - Ewoks: The Battle for Endor); or the more recent "Action Figure Infomercial trilogy"; that the little sand dwellin' rats don't exist anywhere except in Luke's imagination. Luke ain't huntin' space rodent. He's havin' himself some fun with the other more sentient, but no less annoying local vermin... the Jawa. Easy targets, but you should see their fuckin' head's come apart! Also, not a future sport because it happened in the past.
2. ROMERO'S DEAD MOVIES - Zombie Shootin' Starting with the final scene of Night of the Living Dead (where we see some over-enthusiastic bumpkins knock off the film's hero), Romero's Dead films repeatedly show us how the zombie apocalypse has created a social climate in which the redneck and his ilk seem to thrive. Legalised murder? Yer darn tootin'! Kill some dead faggots? Fuckin' A! In Dawn of the Dead we see a deputised army of hicks out for a day of fun, beer drinkin' and killin'; in Land of the Dead, a system of gambling on human vs zombie cage fights (though why anyone would want to kill Asia Argento is totally beyond me); and in Diary of the Dead - more drunken yokels blow a dead woman's head in half (after they've hung her from a tree branch by her hair). Get'er done!
3. DEATH RACE 2000 You'd better stay off the streets during the Transcontinental Road Race, or Frankenstein'll get ya. Doubly so for your dear old grandmother, because septuagenarians are a 100pt kill motherfucker.
4. STARSHIP TROOPERS - Fancy Future Football Verhoeven's Starship Troopers rules. This futuristic sport was quite obviously part of Paul Verhoeven's brilliant plan to tear Heinlein's jingoistic, fascist little SF novel a new asshole. And it worked. He took the manly, patriotic sport of football and made it... GAY. Heinlein would have shat himself with rage. As far as it's suitability for this list of Kill Games? It may be a sissy sport, but it gave Johnny Rico the stamina and athleticism required to go to Klendathu & Tango Urilla and kill fuckin' bugs! Service guarantees citizenship. Would you like to know more?
5. ROLLERBALL Houston vs New York. No penalties. No player substitutions. No time limit. James Caan must die!
6. PREDATOR - Galactic Game Hunting In the same way that The Great White Hunter brags that what he does is "sporting" - killing with the aid of a long-range rifle mounted with a telescopic sight - the vulva-faced Predator hunts inferior species using an arsenal of high tech weaponry that all but guarantees it's dominance. Cloaking device, plasma bolts, laser net, smart disc. And if all else fails, he's got a wrist-mounted self-destruct nuke to finish the job. You're fucked.
7. CUBE - Human Rat Maze A secret experiment conducted by the military-industrial complex - or a game played for the sadistic enjoyment of the Illuminati? Put the rats in the maze. Watch them desperately crawl their way through and laugh, LAUGH as they evade or get caught in your traps. Care to place bets?
8. HOSTEL PART I & II - Games For The Rich The Hostel movies are based on fact right? Because you can't tell me that the jaded, super rich don't indulge in play like this. Bidding for ownership of a victim, travelling to an exotic location and... torturing them to death. All the big neocon politicians and corporate uber execs do this annually just to socialise and network. Takashi Miike and Rugero Deodato do it too, so you know it's fucking hip. No reason to get bogged down in issues of morality or conscience either, after all, they're just the little people. The collateral damage of their FUN.
It's insane that with all the time and space IC has devoted to conspiracy theories, reptilian shapeshifters, Freemasons, the Illuminati, and the New World Order, we've never dedicated an entire post to the zany theories and massive amounts of media devoted to Mr. David Vaughan Icke. After all, Icke is widely considered the supreme authority (if there is such a thing) on the subject of reptoids and mass mind control, and besides a few quotes or a link here and there, IllCon has managed to avoid him for the most part. Maybe it's the controversy that surrounds him. Maybe he's just too "mainstream" (irony?). Maybe it's the lingering traces of anti-Semitism that surround his work (see also: David Dees) or that whole "Matrix" concept that's been sneaking into his work in recent years (more on that later). Whatever it is, it ends now. Let's talk Icke.
Right: Visual approximation of David Icke's current self-image.
We might as well start at the beginning:
Once upon a time, David Icke was a baller.
A footballer, to be exact (that means "a soccer player", to all of our fairweather American "I go to the pub once a year to get hammered and cheer loudly for a sport I don't understand" readers). David was a goalkeeper for Coventry City, and also played for Oxford United, Northampton Town, and Hereford United before arthritis in his knee forced him to retire at age 21 in 1973. Undaunted, he went on to become a sports reporter for the Leicester Advertiser that same year, eventually moving on to become a television reporter too, well known in the 80's due to his presence on the BBC's South Today. But around 1989/1990, things started getting weird. At the end of the 1980's, David Icke was getting more and more into New Age philosophy and becoming more active with the Green Party, visiting mystics and healers frequently to ease the pain of his worsening arthritis and meeting with politicians and celebrities to promote the Green Party's cause. Icke began travelling the world in search of "a higher truth", becoming more and more aware of a mysterious, magnetic presence around him as he did so. The kundalini was fucking with Dave's chakra, man, and things were starting to get heavy. In 1990, he was visited by channeler Betty Shine, who claimed to have a message for him... FROM THE BEYOND!
Wikipedia: "She told him she had a message for him. He was a healer who had been sent to heal the Earth, she said, and would become world famous, but would face enormous opposition. The spirit world was going to pass on ideas to him, which he would then speak to others about, sometimes not understanding the words himself. He was told he would write five books in three years; that in 20 years there will be a different kind of flying machine, where we can go wherever we want and time will have no meaning; and that there will be great earthquakes in unusual places, because the inner earth is being destabilized by having oil taken from the seabed." (AHEM!)
In 1991, Icke (still known as a TV sports broadcaster) went public with his message on the BBC's Wogan Show. He claimed to be "the son of God" and was greeted with laughter and humiliation. Host Terry Wogan politely informed him that the audience was "laughing at him, not with him". It was brutal. Here's a clip, interspersed with footage from Icke's return to the show almost 20 years later. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, WOGAN?!?!?!
Currently reading: (thanks to The Heckler for loaning it to me)
Easy: As we already know, the world is run by a small group of reptilian shapeshifters from the Draco System, who control the populace ("sheeple" in Ickespeak) through a constant onslaught of holographic subliminal messages in advertising and media (see also: They Live). These reptoids (Zionist reptoids, I might add, hence the charges of anti-Semitism), known as the "Babylonian Brotherhood" and counting amongst their ranks the Bushes, Obama, The Queen, Kris Kristofferson and Boxcar Willie (?), created humans as a sort of "breeding program" and intend to microchip us all as they establish the New World Order. The Brotherhood (or "Anunnaki") consists of members of the Illuminati, Bilderberg Group, UN, Trilateral Commission, etc. etc. and many members often double as Satanic pedophiles and/or neo-Nazis.
David Icke's commentary on "The Global Awakening", from Alex Jones' Prisonplanet TV:
Pretty basic stuff, right? Sure. But it's the interdimensional and astrophysical aspects of Icke's theories that appeal to me personally. To wit:
"In The Biggest Secret (1999), Icke introduced the idea of the "Reptoid Hypothesis." He identifies the Brotherhood as originating from reptilians from the constellation Draco, who walk on two legs and appear human, and who live in tunnels and caverns inside the earth. They are the same race of gods known as the Anunnaki in the Babylonian creation myth, Enûma Eliš. (Icke skeptics) Lewis and Kahn write that Icke has taken his "ancient astronaut" narrative from the Israeli-American writer, Zecharia Sitchin. Icke's idea of "inner-earth reptilians" is also not new, though (author) Barkun writes that Icke has done more than most to expand it. Sitchin writes that the reptilians came to Earth for its precious metals. Icke argues that the Anunnaki came specifically for "monoatomic gold," a mineral he says can increase the carrying capacity of the nervous system ten thousand fold. After ingesting it, the Anunnaki are able to process vast amounts of information, speed up trans-dimensional travel, and shapeshift from reptilian to human form. They use human fear, guilt, and aggression as energy in a similar way, part of the reason they organize human conflict. The more negative emotion we emit, the more the reptilians absorb:
'Thus we have the encouragement of wars, human genocide, the mass slaughter of animals, sexual perversions which create highly charged negative energy, and black magic ritual and sacrifice which takes place on a scale that will stagger those who have not studied the subject.'" (direct quote from Icke)
In addition, Icke claims that the Anunnaki come from a higher "dimensional level" than humans, meaning that they inhabit the lower end of the Fourth Dimension, just outside of terrestrial perception. This, in turn, points toward the existence of a Fifth Dimension -- wherein another larger and more sinister race exists. Yikes.
All of this, of course, ties in with The Bible, as the Anunnaki's original breeding program (200,000-300,000 years ago) was responsible for the first human aka Adam. The Anunnaki were, in fact, the Grigori/Nephilim/Watchers/fallen angels we all know and love from Biblical times, the OG space-race that first bred with terrestrial women to produce Sumerian civilization. Good times.
But they didn't stop there. The Anunnaki (according to Mr. Icke) performed two more versions of their breeding program, 30,000 and 7,000 years ago, leading up to the creation of the highly-reptoid, cross-bred, humanoid creatures currently in charge of the planet. To complete the transformation between their human and reptilian forms, these hybrid monstrosities need to consume large amounts of human blood. Hence the blood sacrifices and rituals and whatnot. OBVZ.
Icke's astrological chart (click for full size):
Need proof of reptilian meddling in pop culture? Look no further than this website, which lists literally hundreds of films featuring our scaly friends -- from Pterodactyl Woman In Beverly Hills to Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell. But my own personal favorite has got to be the original, animated G.I. Joe Movie from 1987. Hollow Earth Theory, reptilian shapeshifting, and a HAARP-esque device capable of mass mind control? It's all there. And more:
From Wikipedia: "While Cobra Commander and Serpentor accuse each other's stewardship of Cobra as the root cause of the organization's failures, a mysterious woman breaks into the Terrordrome. Cobra Commander leads the counter-attack, but in an attempt to rid himself of Serpentor, allows the intruder to escape. Reaching Serpentor, the intruder reveals herself as Pythona, who comes from a secret civilization known as Cobra-La. Pythona states that they were responsible for causing Doctor Mindbender to create Serpentor through dream manipulation..."
"... Pursued by a cadre of G.I. Joe troops, Cobra Commander leads his forces to Cobra-La. An army of insect-armor wearing soldiers attack the Joe forces and imprison them within the Lovecraftian living environment of Cobra-La. The Cobra soldiers are met by Cobra-La's leader, Golobulus (let's not forget that Golobulus is part man/part reptile - Cobras). Golobulus orders Cobra Commander arrested as the rest of the group learns the secret origin of both Cobra-La and Cobra: Cobra-La was an ancient civilization that ruled the earth, in part due to their advanced scientific knowledge that allowed them to manipulate and convert living creatures into advanced bio-organic technology. Their society was devastated by the onset of the Ice Age, forcing the survivors into caves within the Himalayan mountains..."
"...As centuries passed, Cobra-La rebuilt their society in secret. Golobulus, hating humanity due to their polluting technology and ecologically unfriendly ways, vowed to wipe them off the face of the earth, and found an agent in the form of a former nobleman who was working on biological weapons of mass destruction. A lab accident caused the nobleman's face to be permanently disfigured. Equipping him with a featureless silver facemask that allowed his multiple eyes to work normally, as well as a uniform that allowed him to pass for human, the nobleman became Cobra Commander and was charged with conquering the world for Cobra-La. However, Cobra Commander's failures led Golobulus to arrange for Serpentor's creation. Golobulus punishes Cobra Commander for his crimes, exposing him to the biological weapon Cobra Commander disfigured himself developing years earlier: mutative spores that slowly transform Cobra Commander into a large snake..."
"...With Serpentor freed, Golobulus orders the rest of Cobra to aid him in his scheme to destroy humanity. Golobulus intends to launch mutagenic spore pods into orbit and use the BET to hatch the spores, mutating all of humanity into mindless animals to be controlled by Cobra-La..."
Pull back the veil:
In one of his more peculiar theories (which is saying something!), Icke addresses the upper echelon of the Babylonian Brotherhood -- a nefarious group he calls the "Red Dresses" (see illustration at right be Neil Hague). The Red Dresses don't actually "exist" in the purely physical sense of the word, as they are in fact bits of what Icke calls "reptilian software" -- holographic programs designed to coax the "sheeple" into unknowing submission. Bush is a Red Dress. Queen Elizabeth, ditto. Think about that shit next time you see someone rocking said garment.
David Icke and Bill Maher, in a prolonged outtake from Religulous (excellent film!):
Not everyone loves David Icke, though (above). His open dalliance with Holocaust denial has won him few friends in the Jewish community, but even while questioning that anything remotely fucked up might have happened in Eastern Europe in the late 30's and early 40's, Icke maintains that he is anything but an anti-Semite. In his own words:
"I strongly believe that a small Jewish clique which has contempt for the mass of Jewish people worked with non-Jews to create the First World War, the Russian Revolution, and the Second World War. This Jewish/non-Jewish Elite used the First World War to secure the Balfour Declaration and the principle of the Jewish State of Israel in Palestine (for which, given the genetic history of most Jewish people, there is absolutely no justification on historical grounds or any other). They then dominated the Versailles Peace Conference and created the circumstances which made the Second World War inevitable. They financed Hitler to power in 1933 and made the funds available for his rearmament."
So wait, self-hating Jews were responsible for Hitler's rise to power and the resulting World War? Wow. It all makes complete sense. How could anyone misconstrue that as anti-Semitic?
This is all really just the tip of the iceberg, though, when it comes to the fractalized psychedelic conceptualizations of David Icke. His ideas just get weirder and weirder as the years pass, and whether you love him or hate him you have to admit one thing: The guy has balls.
Yo dudes, what's up? I know some of you have been feeling kind of down lately, what with the passing of both Cretaceous and Frank Frazetta and all, so I thought I would share a totally inspirational video to get you guys super pumped for the weekend. This video has been totally inspiring the fuck out of me all day, bros. Prepare to be way inspired:
I don't know about you, but the most inspiring part for me is when Scott Stapp violently pokes his finger to his chest while delivering the line "COME ON MARLINS MAKE US PROUD!" at 0:25. That shit is majorly inspiring.
I went to the trouble of transcribing the lyrics for you guys, so you can keep this inspiring song in your head all weekend long, whether you like it or not, just like I'm going to:
"LET'S PLAY BALL IT'S GAME DEHHH WE WANT STRIKEOUTS BASE HITS DOUBLE PLEHHHHS TAKE THE FIELD HEAR THE ROAR OF THE CROWD COME ON MAHLINS MAKE US PROUD COME ON MAHLINS MAKE UP PROUD!!!"
(I usually do some totally inspiring air guitar moves around this part)
"KEEP HOPING AND DREAMING AND YOU. WILL. SOOOAAAARRRRRR!!!!! WITH A LITTLE FAITH AND LUH (?) YOU. WILL. SOOOAAAARRRRRR!!!!!
ONE STRIKE TWO STRIKES SWING AWEHHH A DIVING CATCH A STOWWLEN BEHHHHHHS A PERFECT GAME A TRIPLE PLEHHH ANOTHAAHHH PLEHH OH PRAISE, YES! (?) WORLD SERIES CHAMPS WE'LL BEEE!
(Repeat totally inspiring chorus again, preferably while passionately stroking a microphone or thrusting your fist skyward)
Right on bros, I'm glad we had this talk. Hopefully this inspirational sports anthem will keep your spirits up all weekend, maybe even inspire you as much as Linkin Park's "What I've Done" did during halftime at that Cleveland Lakers baseball game last year. Sweet. Hang in there bros and world series champs we'll be. Awesome. Sweet.
That's right. A Roger Dean cover of dudes playing SPACEBALL. Ponder that shiiiiit.
Babe Ruth were a super heavy-proto-metal-prog-funk-blues band from some Hobbit shit-town in England. They had a really hot singer who could wail with the best of 'em. This is their first record and it rules.
The first single off First Base "The Mexican" found popularity in the late 70's and early 80's among the first rappers and breakdancers. Former Village Voice editor Chuck Eddy writes of them in his book Stairway to Hell: The Accidental Evolution of Rock'n'Roll:
"In 1973, a British art-metal band called Babe Ruth released a song called "The Mexican" that opened with Spanish guitars, then turned into the Doors' "Riders on the Storm" then Ennio Morricone's Sergio-Leone-movie theme "For a Few Dollars More" over an absurdly realized Latin disco rhythm two years before disco existed..."The Mexican" was not a certified hit, but it became a secret cult favorite in discos...then rapped over by Funky Four Plus One and...Soul Sonic Force."
Shelby Cobras hates Led Zeppelin, and while I do not agree with this sentiment, one thing that I am certain of is the Babe Ruth song called "Black Dog" is way better than Zeps's. Observe this epically evil live rendition from 1975:
The rest of the guys in Babe Ruth were not as pretty as singer Jenny Hahn.
Rule #557 of looking cool in band pics: DON'T HAVE A DUDE IN THE GROUP THAT HAS THE SAME HAIR COLOR AS THE BACKDROP.
AKA The Pinnacle of American Rock And Roll Songwriting In The 20th Century
Returning from a quick two-day jaunt up to Humboldt County the other day, Sweet Baby Jay, myself, and my son were rocking some killer jams in our rented Dodge Caliber, heading down Highway 101 on our way back to San Francisco. Unsurprisingly, Survivor's "Eye of The Tiger" came on at some point, prompting Jaybird to ask me if I knew what the song was actually about. I replied with a qualified "No", although the very same song had been pumping my nads with its lyrical ambivalence and vague references to "rivals", "tigers", "fighting", and "guts" since its release in 1982. Really, I've loved this jam since I was about 3 or 4 years old, but I never realized HOW MUCH was being said with SO FEW words in this song. It's actually kind of amazing. Without bringing any specifics to the table, Survivor managed to write the ultimate party/fistfight/training montage song OF ALL TIME, incorporating every word, phrase and image essential to being an awesome 80's rocker. In fact, if pressed, I would have to say that "Eye of The Tiger" is simply a song about BEING AWESOME, rife with lofty allusions to "perseverance", "determination", and several other elusive concepts to boot.
So today, I'd like to take a few minutes to pay tribute to this epic piece of American musical history, paying special attention to lyrical content but also exploring the circumstances of its creation and its impact on society on general.
Sing/read along:
Risin' up, back on the street Did my time, took my chances Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast You change your passion for glory Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past You must fight just to keep them alive
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight Risin' up to the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger
Face to face, out in the heat Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry They stack the odds 'til we take to the street For we kill with the skill to survive
(chorus)
Risin' up, straight to the top Have the guts, got the glory Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop Just a man and his will to survive
(chorus)
The eye of the tiger The eye of the tiger The eye of the tiger The eye of the tiger...
The words themselves were written by Survivors Frankie Sullivan and Jim Peterik, and belted out by frontman Dave Bickler (right, being AWESOME). But really, no one person can take credit for an accomplishment so great. Sylvester Stallone himself asked Survivor to write this song for his film Rocky III (the one with Mr. T) after hearing their earlier single "Poor Man's Son", and upon its release it skyrocketed to #1 on the Billboard charts and stayed there for 6 weeks. Their follow-up album Caught In The Game was a relative failure, an injury made even more painful by the departure of singer Bickler after its release. He was replaced by Jimi Jamison of the bands TARGET and COBRA (that's him, second from the right, below), who breathed new life into the band with tha aptly named Vital Signs in 1984. The album even contained another movie soundtrack gem, "The Moment of Truth" from The Karate Kid.
But check this bullshit out: After Survivor split up, Jamison re-formed the band with a bunch of hired guns, still billing it as "SURVIVOR" or worse yet "JIMI JAMISON'S SURVIVOR". He wasn't even IN THE BAND when they recorded their masterpiece. Fuck that guy.
According to Jim Peterik, the first version of the song was titled "Survival", and as a chorus contained these lyrics:
"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight Rising up to the spirit of our rival And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night And it all comes down to survival"
Can you imagine? Survivor - "Survival"? Crazy, right? Luckily, the fellas made the right call and went with the repetitive yet superior "Double Tiger" version.
"Eye of The Tiger" was certified double platinum in 1982, and won both a Grammy for Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group and an Academy Award for Best Original Song. But true 80's Rock validation came in 1984, when Weird Al Yankovic parodied "Eye of The Tiger" on his second album, In 3-D! Let's watch:
Yankovic's tale of a washed-up boxer working in a deli, titled "Theme From Rocky XIII", was a smash hit as well, and resurfaced on his 1993 greatest (food-related) hits album, The Food Album (where it was re-titled "The Rye or The Kaiser"). I can think of no higher honor for a song to receive.
"Eye of The Tiger" Fun Facts:
- Survivor prophesied two future hit albums in just one line when Dave Bickler crooned out the words "Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry". Observe:
- It is a common misconception that tigers hunt by day. They are nocturnal predators (well, crepuscular, to be exact), making the line "And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night" both scientifically accurate and totally RAD.
- The mix of the song used in Rocky III actually had some sweet tiger growls dubbed into it, although the record and single versions did not. Ten bucks to the first reader who can provide me with an mp3 of the "tiger growl" version.
- "Eye of The Tiger" has been covered by boxer Frankie Bruno, Australian death metal band Regurgitator, The Chipmunks, The Jonas Brothers (with Demi Lovato), Finnish death metal band Withering, Paul Anka, Vomitron, Great White, and Christian rock band Echoes the Fall.
Behold, the training montage to end all training montages:
Oh, and one more thing: Have you ever actually looked INTO THE EYE of the tiger on the cover of the album (above)? Upping the bar on self-reference yet again, you will find SURVIVOR THEMSELVES located therein. Survivor's GOT THE GUTS. Survivor's GOT THE GLORY. Survivor KILLS WITH THE SKILL TO SURVIVE.
SURVIVOR'S GOT THE EYE OF THE FUCKING TIGER. ALWAYS HAS. ALWAYS WILL.