Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Minimum complexity of a chaotic system Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

It only takes one moment to have the normal and orderly routines in life to fall into chaos, which is apparently the natural order of things.
Why the butterflies?
Chaos theory in physics and math are where systems evolving in time can have massive changes that can arise from extremely small and sensitive elements and variations, these are often referred to as a 'butterfly effect'. Perhaps you've heard it said that a butterfly flapping his wings in China could cause a hurricane in the Atlantic? Or perhaps not! I always imagined butterflies to be such delicate things and as I approached one task this morning, I found that the simple act of pulling a cork from a bottle, the delicate and yet strenuous effort of my task in removing the stopper, ended in Chaos!

I had secured the bottle tightly in one hand and pulled the corkscrew and cork firmly with the other. I could feel it, its coming, its coming...
The bottle then decided it had had enough of me and flew away, not quite like a butterfly, across the room and out through the window.
Oh, slight problem! (Tears) the window was still closed.
Not an ideal situation as you can imagine!
I called my brother and he phoned a friend of his to come and replace the window for me. He came quickly and measured everything and left. Within forty minutes he returned and removed the old window and he tried to replace it with the new one only to find slight chaos in his measuring and this was too big.
"Please don't go and leave me with just a hole in the wall!" I cried.
I just tried to cheer him because he looked sad at coming with the wrong size! I had a hole in my wall for two hours before he finally fixed it. I'm glad it didn't rain but I suppose that's what the plastic sheets were for!

I'm away for a couple of days doing my charity event and I'll be back on Friday and then Hitomi and I are away that weekend. A week-end together, bliss!
Despite trying to keep this short post simple, I think I failed again!

OK, for an upcoming post that I shall entitle "Interview with Jazz", I would like you to submit any question's that you think would be good interview questions and send them to me at:
momojazu[AT]googlemail[DOT]com (written this way to stop spam-bots harvesting mail addresses)
Just put the word "questions" in the subject field.
I have lots of regular readers. This is your chance to contribute even if you don't like to openly comment. Come on. Don't leave it all to someone else. If all thought that I'd have no questions at all! Be brave and send as many questions as you like.

I won't add any names and so your privacy will be assured, I'll just incorporate the questions into the post as if it was a fictional interviewer who is asking them of me.
Wanna play?


Queen - Passing the open widows

Ballroom Masque

We all wear masks, good ones, bad ones, ornate ones. These masks are the identities that we create as defenses or they are made for us by the expectations of another. A lot of primitive tribal dancing and old world stage shows put to good use the mask.

A mask is for us as it is for those that I've just mentioned, a projection of a part of us, whether true or idealized. Many other interpretations can be thought of by the mask, the criminal with intent to deceive or the painted ladies of the Avalon who want to attract. My masks are my defenses and they do hide my weaker elements. When I am powerless, I feel empowered behind a mask of strength and confidence.
There are many masks and even I laugh at some from the comfort of the security from behind my own. The mask of perfection and the mask of instant expert are two masks that most often make me laugh. The mask of independence is one I wear a lot. Independence is a worthy attribute for anyone yet underneath I know I need others. The mask of strength is also a favorite of mine. I need that because I am a role model, I have to look decisive, confident when those small eyes look up to me for guidance.
Removing a mask at once is a shock. People who think they know you suddenly see a side of you that they were not sure existed or not. My emotional overload made me lose mine. Masks should be removed slowly over time. This way people naturally assume that you slowly open to them.

But now I have re-adjusted mine and once more I am the Jazz that everyone knows. Unmask me and I am partly naked and feel I am a stranger and most who know me become unsure in their approach to me. Thankfully I have people who can pick me up when I fall and help me adjust my masks again.

Lacrimosa -Phantom of the Opera

In sleep she sang to me
In dreams she came
That voice which calls to me
And speaks my name
And do I dream again?
For now I find
The phantom of the opera is there,
Inside my mind

Re-tie my ribbons. Pass me my lipstick, my mascara & eye shadows and my other tribal paints. I'll brush back my hair and reset my adornments and once more I face you. Now again, I become transformed into what you expected to find, I am the familiar smile, the sparkling eyes, the ghost moving in and out of people's lives, the one you remember so well from times past. Once again I can take my place up on the stage amongst all of you others, who in turn wear your own masks and the show goes on. It must go on!
Only in my private moments or within intimate company do I remove my mask completely. Luckily I do know where my mask ends and where the real me underneath begins and as long as I remember and recognize that point of separation then my sanity has a chance to remain intact as I step in and out of character.

Credit to first image mask image source: Thank you

I saw a man today and he was very regal looking in his stature upon the balcony of his palace, although his clothes were simple. He looked no different in dress for all those that looked up to him with a mixture of respect and fear. With a final wave to his admiring audience he turned and entered into his private rooms. He sat down at a very elaborate and ostentatiously decorated and polished Brazilian redwood table. It was filled with luscious fruits and savory cooked meats and exotic wines from around the world. Outside the sad ashen faces drifted with their hunger. He gestured me to sit yet I was not offered any refreshment.
I saw in one side room sheets of metal and boxes of chemicals and through its window I saw distant farms with animals and crops and fruits.
I asked if perhaps when he had eaten his fill I might take some of what remained from his table to feed the hungry outside and he shook his head.
I asked what the metal and chemicals were for and with great pride and enthusiasm, he told me of his construction of planes and tanks and bombs. He had his great arsenals to defend his nation of those hungry people and protect his farms and animals and growing things. "Who is all that produce for?" I asked
"For those that build my defenses and the glorious soldiers who protect the common people.
"Can it not feed the common people too?" I asked very simplistically.
"Sadly it cannot" he said with his well practiced sad eyes. He looked down at his full belly and wiped fruit juice from his lips. "Sadly my resources are extremely limited but I know what is best and what my priorities are" he added with a contented smile.

It pained me when I see both in abundance but only one of the two can be utilized. The pain of economics! Without insult to him I kept quiet my thoughts that perhaps priorities change when your belly is not full!

Homecoming Queen

Thursday night was the night I'd been waiting for ever since I left Miss Sneaky in Shimonoseki at the end of last month. Oh wait! Let's go back a little so I can add the flavors.
I was talking with a friend and our conversation was about who we are, you know... deep inside. To show our real selves behind all the different masks that we wear in front of all the various people in our lives. I suppose it's only natural to believe that the people who know me best are my family and my lover, Hitomi. I want you to know that the friend I was talking to, I trust completely and she trusts me and I was explaining that at times and even during all the times that I write here, I feel that I'm still projecting myself as Momo the fantastic, Momo the strong, Momo the incredible, Momo who is always reliable and always open and honest Jazz.
The truth is that this is just another mask that I wear and inside I'm as human as anyone else with my own fears and issues. This week has been a rather strained and emotional week for me and during that conversation with my friend I broke down and cried in front of her. I felt quite unsettled at my tears and yet I also felt such a great weight leaving me. I told her that I just give and give and I'm always there for people and I enjoy it. But at the end of it all I am drained and there seems to be nothing left for myself and sometimes when I need a pair of arms to hold me and have someone tell me it'll be alright... well often there's no one there.
"But you've got Hitomi san" you cry out. "You live next door to your brother, the one you have always been close to", you add.
Yes I do have these wonderful amazing people in my life. I love my brother so much and I know he has worries and burdens of his own so I could never add to the weight on his shoulders. I know family share both joy and tears but I just can't do to him. I look at him and I believe I see that he too tries to show me strength and he is protective of me. I see my beloved Mother reflected in his eyes. I give him a hug and tell him I love him but I can never open and tell him of a problem that I feel on that intimate level. As for the most wonderful girl in the world, my rock, my reason to live and love, I find that the moments that I feel most vulnerable, the times I'm most in need are the times that she's away. 'Jazz the warrior' some have called me and I smile at that and I do think I project a tough exterior appearance. "She has battled against great adversity" they say and that's true too. But inside, deep down inside in the parts of my soul where most wouldn't dare to look, I am very tender and delicate and I am such a fragile thing. I am as the seeds of the dandelion awaiting a gentle breeze. Parts of me blown across unknown landscapes and far from the soil I call home.
Why, because I have held onto my emotions and not let them out. Slowly they built up higher and higher and the pressure behind the dam became immense, the pains grew too much. I cried and they all came flooding out. But you don't want to hear how uselessly human I am. You want to know about 'Jazz the strong', don't you?
Well honestly my dear friends, the truth is that I often show people what I think that they expect to see in me and like so many others I try to hide my weaknesses. I wear masks and have hidden so much because I was and I am still am scared of being 'me' if the real me is surely such a frail and insubstantial thing. I want to be strong!
Back to Hitomi!
When she's away she always makes time to phone me. If it's late at night I just take the phone and jump on my bed and we chat away about anything and everything for hours. Very often she takes little photographs the same as I do and she sends to me in e-mails. Photos of where she is, what she sees and often with some of the girls she works with. I like the ones where she visits places like these here in Giza, Easter Island and Beijing. In truth all of this is really in Taiyo Park. But when I see her photographs where she's with other girls I feel a little excluded. I know it's stupid and I know she's mine and I don't have any reason for jealously. I just wish that it was me with her there instead of these girls that she works with.

When she comes home from these venues, I want to cook for her, sit and eat with her and listen to her adventures. I want to tell her what's been happening here while she's been away. All this excitement is crushed because she comes home tired. She puts her bag by the bathroom ready to sort her laundry. She showers while I make something simple because she doesn't want to eat a lot and I'm not to bother. Then she wants to go to bed and I join her and then again, she's too tired even for....
In my own selfish way I felt left out and a hug and a kiss and a smile should be enough for anyone after a month away. I just wanted more.
Do I expect too much?

On Friday morning I returned to work and caught up with what's happening and especially with my little protégé, Chinami. She has done very well and I'm quite proud of her. In the afternoon my computer failed and I couldn't even retrieve my data from the company server on a second terminal. I lost a lot of work. A young boy came from downstairs had a look at it and then decided to take it down to the IT department. I had to start again on my presentation from a blank template. I scowled over that but to offset my frown I had the news that next week I have been confirmed from selection to be involved in the presentation of a treasure hunt for charity so I'm really pleased about that and a smile did indeed return.

When I got home I had to wait for Hitomi to return from her sister, Nanako's home. I didn't eat because I expected her to arrive at 8pm and we'd eat downstairs in the restaurant. She wasn't late and she arrived at eight as she had promised but arrived with her sister and told me to get ready because we're going out. I quickly got ready. We went to a sports bar where she'd already arranged to meet up with some of the girls that she works with and for some horrible, dark reason instead of enjoying myself I suddenly felt that these people were eating into my time with my girl. Can you imagine such unreasonable feelings like that? I know that it's my fault with my mixed up emotions affecting me at this time. I found myself just chatting with Nanoko. But I will give credit to Hitomi in that she did try to make her sister and I feel part of the group, but...
Oh never mind!
At 11:30pm I whispered to Hitomi that I had a small headache and that I would go home and she could stay with her friends. Hitomi shook her head and quickly finished her drink and said goodbye too. We got a taxi and dropped Nanako home and then we came home together and for the first time in the last twenty four hours that she has been home I felt really good about us and that I felt special to her again.
I must sound really terrible to you guys!

Once home Hitomi gave me a reassuring hug and made me feel happy again and she even had a gift for me and when I opened it I was so amazed. It was absolutely wonderful and so thoughtful of her and before I say what it was, I need to blog a little more about something.

Lesbians!
OK honestly, what do the average non-gay people think about us? I'm sure that some will think at once of porn movies. I'm sure some will think that we're abnormal and I know some feel threatened by us. Lock up your innocent daughters, there's a mad Lesbian on the loose! (Laughs) Most preferred it when it was hidden maybe?
Before openness, outings and gay pride and a long time before today's general semi acceptance of gay people, it was all so very wicked and it was all kept hidden behind secret signs and codes and ways that only others of our kind would know. I wish someone had told me what those secrets were? How on Earth is someone supposed to find these things out?
Anyway....
Throughout history there have been iconic figures that have represented aspects of our gay community. In more modern times they have been from the worlds of arts and sports and music and movies. Celebrities who stood out and it wouldn't matter if they themselves were gay or not, that wasn't the point. They only had to have associative qualities like open flamboyance and glamor, a certain charm and charisma or even a determination to be true to themselves no matter how hard life made it for them.

There have been some surprising people identified as Gay icons but there are many who are almost universally known. Judy Garland, Bette Davis, Bette Midler, Grace Jones, Cher, Madonna, Cindi Lauper, K.D Lang, Maggie Cho, Lily Allen all come to mind. But one of my favorites was Marilyn Monroe. When I first read about her I fell in love with her. She was quite a tragic figure really who suffered many hardships and lots of controversy still exists about her life, her loves and her seemingly strange death. She was a real little girl called Norma Jean Baker and she was trapped in the body of a Goddess.

Hitomi had bought for me a beautiful white halter neck dress with the flowing wide pleat skirt just like the dress that Marilyn wore in the 1955 movie "The seven year itch". I know that I don't fill the dress out in the same way as Marilyn did but then I would ask you 'who could?' To my mind Marilyn was paradisiacal and in every image that I have ever seen of her she is perfection. I even considered dying my hair blond once. So here I am, looking like but with full credit to one of history's most beautiful and alluring women.
Marilyn Monroe, my Goddess.
I love her and I really do love Hitomi.
It wasn't that this was the moment of such a thoughtful and wonderful gift. It was beautiful and I thanked her very much. But it was now after she had rested from her fatigue that she gave herself to me and that my dear readers, more than anything else is what I needed most. Norma Jean was a candle in the wind and I often feel like I'm the dandelion seeds. I also feel like a little girl lost sometimes in an adult body.
In those moments that I need and she is at home... that is when I feel complete and just for one moment when someone reassures me, I feel strong again.
Oh my stars! I sound so co-dependent!


Elton John - Goodbye Norma Jean (Candle in the Wind)

Strange week

It's been a funny few days since Sunday. It wasn't the kind of funny as in rolling around the floor in fits of laughter but more like the strange gray fuzzy edged feelings left over from a dental injection. Instead I felt this numbness all over and not just in my mouth. During the night I could not sleep at all and I started hearing noises as if some strange animal or even the ghost of an animal was softly walking around in my apartment. I could cry again because my imagination is so wicked and nasty to me at times and I pulled the pillow over my head. Annoyingly I could still hear it and I shouted out to the dark emptiness that it wasn't fair to do that to me and please go away. I reached for Hitomi's pillow and put that over my head too. Let me drown out the noise of this world! I heard the ticking of the ornamental clock and the hum of the refrigerator from the kitchen. I heard a dripping tap somewhere and some strange ghost haunting my sleep time. I did feel much better under the two pillows but then I wondered if I could die like this. Would my lifeless body be found in the morning lost under the soft pillows and death by smothering is pronounced? I choked even thinking about it! Finally I fell a long and slow way down into a strange dreaming sleep. I dreamed that I was up on the roof with my cat and we were looking out over the brightly lit chrome and glass city.
"Can you see the tsukiji fish market from here?" my cat asked me nonchalantly.
I regarded her for a moment with more than just a little concern because even in dreams I knew that cats are not supposed to talk with us humans. "Are you thinking of your tummy again?" I asked. She shrugged her shoulders and waited for my reply. Cats arch their whole spine when they shrug their shoulders!
"I can't see it from here and in fact I can't see you very well either." I replied because at this point she started to fade away, just like the cat in Lewis Caroll's wonderland. I wondered just how far wonderland was and if I could run and play there when I was finally left alone with just Kushisa's smile. I'm glad she left me a smile because that's important to me. I smiled back and then I placed my top hat on my head, evicted the dormouse from my teapot, turned and left. I wasn't sure if I awoke at this point or if I still dreamed but I'm sure someone like Erwin Schrödinger would attest that I was either one or the other. I think I've always liked to be in-between like a middle of the road position that avoids extremes but there's a lot of traffic there! 'In between' may have as many advantages as it does disadvantages! But once I saw daylight peeking through my blinds I was certain that I was now awake and I was rather pleased to know that I hadn't died a smothering death beneath our pillows, unless of course this moment is the delirium of my oxygen starved brain. In daylight I could peek into the room to ensure no real animal was there. Oh no! What do I do?
The prospect of living with insanity actually scares me!

On Monday morning Hiro took Kushisa to the vet's office for cremation and I went into work but I didn't feel at all good. You can say "Don't be stupid, it's only a cat!", but she meant a great deal to me and her loss did affect me. I asked for a few days unpaid leave because I just feel that I cannot offer my best and it was accepted and granted. I arranged for another girl to assist Chinami until I return on Friday. I came home and did nothing noteworthy. I carefully wrapped her little toys and her collar and her food bowls in her blanket and laid them in her bed and put it in a box. I stored away another box of memories, I'm such a sentimentalist!

On Tuesday morning I emptied her litter tray and cleaned it and before I knew what I was doing I refilled it with fresh litter for her. Later I went to the shop looking for a new cell phone and came home with one that I liked. Everyone has been hinting that I'm out of the loop without one. To be honest I quite enjoyed being out of the loop and it was nice leaving appointments and keeping to schedules without the office leaving me messages so that when I come out of an appointment I'm diverted somewhere else. I came home with one and as recommended, I set it to charge for twelve hours only to find that the charger does not charge. On Wednesday morning I took it back and had a refund and I didn't even have a replacement. I went to see Maestro and have him fix me up ready for a big week next week and have him make me feel good as usual. He was very gentle and caring and understanding. He's really a lovely man. Tonight, Thursday evening, is the night that Miss 'miss me lots' comes home from her venues at the ends of the Earth and in Osaka. So tonight I should be like a cat on a hot tin roof!

I must say thank you to a very special friend of mine who has cheered me up immensely in a sad moment. She held my hand and she cared and even when I chose silence, she was respectfully silent but still there waiting and stood by me holding my hand throughout. She knows the time for silence, the time to hug me and the time to tell me to wake up. She also gave me lots of small but very meaningful gifts. Thanks Anna, you are very special to me and I really appreciate all you said and did to make me feel better and make me smile once more.

	What's New Pussycat? - Tom Jones
	Found at skreemr.com

I am still fuzzy in my head! I was trying to think of a really nice cat song. I thought of "cool for cats" and I thought of "stray cat strut" but I finally settled on this one by Tom Jones.
Who of you know a good cat song?

Karite kita neko

It was an alley, any alley that lay somewhere between school and home. It wasn't one that I normally took and I really don't remember why I was there. I was twelve years old and in my head I was lost in thought. Suddenly over by the bins and rubbish to the side of the road that were awaiting collection, something had moved and the corner of my eye had perceived it. I turned and looked and stared and all was still. Had the wind caught something?
A small bag on top of a box moved ever so slightly.
My first thought was of a rat and I felt a little scared.
But then I heard it, 'nyaa nyaa', I rushed over to look and I opened the bag.
Inside were three kittens and two of them were dead. The remaining one, weak from neglect, looked up at me with imploring eyes.
Oh how cruel! How can someone be so inhumane?
What monsters are we beneath our kind smiles?


Anna Ternheim - Lover's Dream


I took her home at once and gave her some milk. My father saw it and ordered me to take it out of his home. I begged him to let me keep her and he refused me. I accused him too of inhumanity. I said "If the kitten goes out then so will I!" He sent me out with a great anger on his face for my disrespect.
I sat outside in the side alley by home with my Kitten. I sat for a long, long time and the afternoon became the evening and in turn, it became the night. I put my kitten inside my shirt to keep her warm. Mother came out to us and I was so pleased to see her but she did not smile or have news from my Father would allow us both inside. She gave me some food and a glass of water. In silence I shared it with my kitten and then Mother took away my empty bowl and glass.

It was very dark and people were leaving bars and walking home past me. I was very cold and Father finally came out and stood looking down at me. I couldn't face him and my eyes were on the floor. He scolded me for being a difficult child and offered me one last chance to come inside alone. With tears I could not speak and I slowly shook my head. He turned his back on me and went inside. A little while later Mother came out with a bowl of warm water and some soap and an old towel. "Your Father says you must wash your kitten before you bring it in, make sure there are no fleas!" she said and left us. I was very grateful for leniency and I quickly washed and dried her and took her inside. I made a small bed for her from a cardboard box and an old soft woollen sweater of mine. I then thanked my Father for kindly allowing me my kitten. He simply nodded his head once. I knew that was enough.
Father wasn't cruel to me, I know that now and I guess I knew it then. He was just testing how much something meant to me. Anything that I would give up easily meant I would not value.

Yesterday she would not eat or drink no matter how much I tried and coaxed her. She lay on the floor below her favorite spot on the wide window ledge. I lifted her on it so she could watch outside as she always loved to do. I brought my chair next to her and sat with her for the day, talking to her and stroking her. By the early evening her breathing became labored and finally she closed her eyes for the last time and she let go of her tired body.
If for some strange reason fate had taken me anywhere but that alley or if I had weakened before my father, Kushisa's life would have been as short as her brothers or sisters. She was almost seventeen and she had a long and happy life and I loved her very much.

It's a beautiful day

Enter the doubts!
My hair is done and my make up is complete and I think I look great. Then after I put on my dress and regard myself in my mirror I began to wonder. I had really loved this dress the moment I saw it in Armani in Ginza and I had to have it. I still love it! As soon as I saw it, I thought at once of a Kazuko Ogawa Gothic Lolita style dress only with a touch more acceptability and dare I say elegance? The exchange of a small fortune and I come home a very happy girl but on the big morning and standing in front of my mirror, I started having my doubts!
Was it too much?
Was it too little?
Without a doubt, this is the "little black dress" to simply die for with ornate bow bodice, low neckline, fluff cord waistline that falls into beautiful puffed and ruffled tiers and the coup de grace being the fingerless elbow length opera gloves. I loved it! I just had my doubts about how it would be received. We all know that Jazz certainly knows how to make an impact. I want to stand out but not in a bad way. Whether they'd love it, envy it or wonder at my choice, they'll certainly remember me!

I left with plenty of time after after setting the sat-nav in my car. Yes I am a girl who can read a map and I know some of you will remember me getting lost in Osaka last summer on the way to meet Hitomi's sister. That was not typical I can assure you! Sometimes being fashionably late is fine but not on such an occasion as this. I was making allowances for all kinds of possible delaying circumstances.

Sayomi san was a friend of mine at school. She was never the first in a race but she was never last either and I always remember her as being a girl who, if she said she'd do something, she'd do it. I think a casual friendship would have best described us at school. As is typical of lots of school friend associations, we lost contact after school. Then just over two years ago she came quite by chance into our restaurant and we met up and had a long catch-up chat. Perhaps during this time our friendship either through past acquaintance or a maturer sharing of conversations now led to a better kind of friendship between us. It is a lot closer now than when we were at school but still I consider it a loose friendship compared to some. We can only improve that from this day forward. She and her sister came regularly enough for me to learn through our conversations all about this incredible romance that developed between her and some really interesting guy working in Africa that she learned of in a pen pals column. After a few exchanges they became quite attached to each other and from her facial expression as I recall her telling me, I naturally assumed pretty hot too. I can only dream of such romance exchanged in passionate and poetic correspondence. The closest I ever got to that was a cell phone text telling me to wipe off my lip-stick and prepare to be kissed as intimately as a blood sucking leech. I think it sounds as bad in English as it does in Japanese.

After a few of their exchanges, Sayomi sent him her photograph as he had requested and when she received his photograph by reply, she thought that it was a photograph of some actor or male model. She didn't really mind she said, because in his messages were so sweet, endearing, caring and loving in his words. Two years later and six months ago, he finally arrived back home. She knew they were in love but she really wasn't sure what he looked like because she hadn't honestly believed his photo was genuine. They arranged to meet and when she met him she almost fainted. Not only was the photo really his, but he looked even better in real life than his photo showed and he was, he is simply gorgeous. Not only was he the best looking guy on the planet, as she called him, but he was all hers and he never even looked at another girl.
If I was straight, I'd settle for an honest, loyal and hard working guy who'd help out with house work.
I can tell you my dear friends that he is not only gorgeous with a capital 'gor' but every time he looked at Sayomi, I could see a passionate fire light up in his eyes, when he spoke, he spoke with a musical voice of his Osakan origin, he was so gentle, so knowledgeable and so attentive to his love. It's just the substance of a real life fairy tale. I'll be openly honest here and please don't blame my orientation or slight feminist bias but I really think it's easier to win the state lottery than find a guy like this. I can also tell you that most of the nightclubs in Roppongi tonight must have been empty with all the girls staying at home mourning the loss of just about everyone's Mr Right!
It restores my faith that some girls really can meet their Prince Charming.
Excuse me! Does my face look green in this light? Sorry! That will be the reflection from my curtains and they're a soft vanilla-beige color! I have my Princess!

Let me just take a drink, calm myself down and remind myself that I do indeed bat for the other side!

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When I arrived at the hotel chapel I was shown through to the brides guest room where Sayomi san greeted me and introduced me to her Mother and her sister, who I already knew and I was introduced to some of her other friends. Shock of all shocks! One of the guests was a girl I have already written about here. Here was the girl that I'd had a physical confrontation with at school so many years ago over dear Erika!
Check the images, she's the one standing next to me with the birds nest hair and the slat veiled black dress with the chiffon over blouse.
Of course we'd both grown past petty school days politics and we were happy to see one another and we chatted about todays matters, our jobs and of course what a wonderful day it was and how much Sayomi looked so beautiful and how Ken looked very dashing and handsome. The happy couple were eventually called into rehearsal and that gave us girls a chance to use the changing rooms and touch up our make up and attend our little adjustments. I also got the chance of a sneak peek at the bridal gown when one of her attendees came out of the brides changing room as I was passing but it didn't really prepare me for later.
After the rehearsal (behind closed doors) we were all called to take our places in the chapel while the happy couple went to change into their wedding clothes. The chapel was decorated with cream and white ribbons and lilac aster flower arrangements touched off with the soft perfume of lavender and violet. Then the soft music of Hamasaki Ayumi's 'beautiful day' started to play. A lovely song for a beautiful day and as she sings of the fates and choices in our life can lead to such a beautiful day. Then the announcer introduced the groom who came in and thanked us all for attending and took his place and then came the big moment when the announcer had us welcome the bride. The doors at the back slowly opened to Wagner's 'Bridal chorus' and she made such an elegant entrance as she walked on her father's arm and she looked absolutely divine. She was followed by two adorable little flower girls. Sayomi wore a full flowing ballerina style gown of pure white with a rose motif of silver embroidered throughout. A hint of peach veil adorned her diamond tiara and a violet and white spring bouquet added a touch of color to complete the fairytale. There were audible gasps from the girls in appreciation of her loveliness. I could simply die for a moment like that in my life. How proud her father looked and rightly so, her special day had the most magical start. She just seemed to glide so elegantly across the marbled floor and down the aisle as if her feet didn't touch the floor.
The groom, who was also dressed all in white, bowed low to her father who returned and equaled his respectful gesture and smiled approvingly as he entrusted the care of his daughter to this man. I have never felt so much silent electricity in the air. It was a truly amazing moment as he took her hand and smiled so lovingly into her eyes.

I think there were several tears in many eyes as the service proceeded and one or perhaps two may have been mine. After the short service came a short declaration of what love is, which is from a passage from the Bible.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.

Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.

It does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.

Love never ends.

Who can say it better than that?

They exchanged their rings and offered their vows and then they were married. A rather small and shy kiss to affirm that their faith in each other throughout such a magical romance had reached the moment today where they were officially joined. They stood for the photographer while we moved outside the chapel and then when they exited, they did so to our little shower of rice and paper hearts. We all filed into the reception room where they had their ceremonial photographs in front of, cutting and serving each other the lovely single tier cake. We all sat down to a wonderful wedding lunch that included some amazing African foods. I had a yellow, soft and fruity potato like food called futu and that was served with pieces of lamb cooked in a peanut soup. The taste was fantastic and I enjoyed it very much, I must hunt down the recipe. I was seated next to Takara, Sayomi's sister. We didn't say very much really and just smiled a lot over our food and drink. I think we were all a little speechless but thankfully many family members wanted to stand and make speeches.Then we approached the top table and offered our small envelopes to wish a good start to the happy couple.
After the wedding lunch, the happy couple made a discreet an exit as they could to go change clothes and when they returned they performed the candle ceremony and with a single flame, together they lit the candles on the groom's family table and then the bride's family table thus uniting them forever. Sayomi had changed into an adorable floral coral evening dress complete with matching neck-piece and hair flower and her posy was of turquoise and cerise. Ken had simply removed his tie and changed his boutonnière to match her flowers.

Then the toast to family unity was proposed. Something I'll drink to and I did! I invited them over to our restaurant as my treat the next time they dine out.
Then we all gathered outside in the little ornamental garden so the photographer could take his final series and then they prepared to move on to the dance hall.
I did have three lovely compliments about my dress so I was quite pleased and was over my earlier doubts but I certainly didn't outshine the bride. She was simply incredible. A day she will remember forever, a day that all of us will remember for its magnificence and beautiful occasion. I thanked them both very much for it and wished them good fortune and my apologies that I could not attend the evening dance and meal.

I had to move on and feeling reluctant to leave such happiness, I had my duties to attend and I headed for my rendezvous with Chinami at the farmers cafe in Harajuku
Today was a beautiful and wonderful day and my dear friend who looked stunning and was charming and delightful. She has found her Prince, a handsome, dedicated and trustful man and he will find in her a loyal, obedient and dutiful, beautiful wife. I am certainly glad that our friendship can grow from such a pleasant and peachy day as this. They are both great people.

Today is the beginning of their 'happy ever after' and I was privileged to celebrate it with them with wine and sweet words to wish them that their future together will bring them many, many more happy days.

You know it had to happen

Everything is crazy and I alone am the only sane point on this crazy world. OK we all know it's really the reverse and I'm the crazy one in a logical and ordered world. (cynical laugh)
It's been a test of my resolve this week. Not only did all my appointments get changed, not only did I take the new girl under my wing and prepare her for assessment but during the week more red lines were being scrawled through appointments and more additions to replace them. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I'm the one being tested, how I cope with sudden change and adapt and test my organizational and management skills. You remember how I said I had Saturday free to attend my friend's wedding?
Well I still have it free in the morning but I have to dash off after the weddings garden party to an early evening Bohemian event and honestly, if I see another bland hand painted floral print collection presented as an artistic flavored cutting edge inspiration to be smeared across Harajuku's underground graffiti wall, I am going to scream!

Luckily I can fit both into my day because had the show been any earlier, I would have been as good as my word and had Chinami cover it, but not alone, I would have got some cover, I'm not totally sadistic and heartless you know!
I invited my protegee for an after work debrief to get some feedback from her in an informal and relaxed atmosphere and we see where she feels she is and any aspects she wants to cover. I want her to take the lead next week but I want her to know that I'll be there in case she falters or any of her steps become uncertain. Then in true Jazzy fashion, I showed her how to relax with something nice in a large glass!
I have another busy week next week dear friends and I hope tomorrows wedding day for my friend will be a very happy day.
Happy wishes to everyone.
Goodnight and travel well!

	Goodnight, Travel Well
	Found at skreemr.com

The Killers - Goodnight, travel well

Is she?

I often wonder to what extent we lie to ourselves about something. It may be easy to lie to others and even be convincing about it but how do we lie to ourselves and get away with it? More to the point, should we lie to ourselves?
I think when we start lying to ourselves and do it repeatedly it becomes harder to discern our own truths. Continuing along this path we lose our ability to respect others and ourselves. We lose our ability to trust others and ourselves. We become faithless, empty people who have nothing but contempt for others and we amuse ourselves with our own petty vices and we merely play with the emotions of others in a very uncaring attitude.
Oh my stars! I went further with that paragraph than I first thought I would...

Oh look Momma, she's going to talk about sex again!

What's wrong with this girl?

No, I wanted to say something about how I felt inside in the living of a lie. I have had three loving relationships with men and I honestly believe that I loved each one of them and our relationship during its time was good and honest. Because of this I always thought of myself as bi-sexual. I really dislike this term because to me it feels like the relationship I enjoyed was nothing more than a sex based one. Nothing could be further from the truth. My last boyfriend took me to the last step before marriage and of becoming a Mother and that was a very sad and tragic ending. At the time I had accepted that this would be my life and I really was looking forward to it. Of course I can look back at those times from today and know that the hormonal changes inside me may well have contributed to those feelings. You can't condemn our own nature. Actually I don't want to talk about those dark times.
It's what came after that.
I went though a depression and I went through drugs and I went through hell and still I had not found myself, or had I? Because even in my early teens and at school I knew that I was different. I didn't know exactly what it was about me that was different from everyone else and sometimes in trying to peek inside my own soul and what I saw scared me. I learned quite quickly that something was wrong and had to be hidden. Then when I met Erika who was like me in the way I felt, I opened up a little and although still hidden from others, she showed me exactly what it was to enjoy being a lesbian behind the veils. After school came university and my first male lover.
I don't want to talk about him either.
What I want to get back to there is what came after my last boyfriend.
I'd had three relationships with men I had and nothing to show for it. It was time to become more honest with myself. I became a cruiser! Cruisers are the girls that frequent the lesbian bars with nothing more on their agenda than looking for a sex partner. I actually found this satisfying in a shallow way. It felt true and honest and safe to be in another girls arms and the sexual act between us was easier. The 'easier' meaning that I didn't have to confront my feelings within me in an antagonistic way. I learned that I became truly free to express myself and to actually feel good about myself. This just confirmed that this was my version of 'normal'. I took what they gave me and gave what they asked of me and once our thirst's were quenched, like mutual feeding vampires, we'd leave the paid by the hour rooms and head back to the sunlight and our little lives of seemingly ordinary conformity. Meeting Hitomi was different from all the others. For the first time in my life I felt naturally in love. No! The second time... No! The third time...

There had been a couple of girls that had been more to me than the simple vampire feeding frenzy of a single night of hot passion.
But I don't want to talk about them.
I didn't want to just feed on Hitomi. Well actually yes I did! But I wanted more, so much more. I wanted to be greedy and have her all to myself, I wanted her to know my heart, to feel my emptiness, my longing and I wanted her to fill it. I wanted to pour myself into the holes in her life. From a wonderful first few weeks where we fumbled over a forming friendship we found love together and it is during that time that the dull drab grays in my life finally began to find color.
Do you wonder why the rainbow is the symbol of gay pride?
I don't even know my self why it is the symbol and as a good researcher I could use Google to find out but it's OK, I can be honest and say I don't know. I can tell you that those colors felt warm though as I experienced them.

In my mind I felt so much at ease as if I had finally found the truth after a life long mystery. This seemed to be my first and real defining moment where I no longer had to confront the lies of my earlier life and repress any part of me. Here I was finally free within the love of a wonderful person. She was like me, she loved me, she understood me and she accepted me totally with both the light and the dark elements of my soul. Finally here came someone into my life that I could be totally honest with and rejoice with in her finding the same in me. I became a better person, more receptive, happier and more positive and I came to love myself. Loving yourself is important because if you don't love yourself how can you expect another to love you? I also became more tolerant of others who felt that they too were different and that led on to a deeper understanding of the importance of individualism and the need for diversity in our lives. It no longer mattered to me if the world was right in saying lesbian feelings are wrong. Because I felt that these feelings were right and these convictions inside of me were shared by this wonderful new person in my life. Having someone who promises to care for me and having that same someone to care for we find something amazing.
We find that our life in its excitement and its mundane moments won't pass by unnoticed. She will notice it and I become the witness of her life and this becomes another defining moment. It is the moment that we realize that we are no longer alone. It's not just a physical togetherness but it's an alignment of ideas, a rapport of our souls and an alliance of devoted and empathic companionship. This gives us strength, cause, reason and focus and with this strength, the world and its accusations, complaints and incriminations seem like a very small place indeed. I became happy, secure and content and I have found that I have a much greater depth than the shallow, insecure and unsure girl who felt the need to repress a part of her self. The freedom of being honest with myself

Oh! She wasn't as bad as I thought she was gonna be!

Inspired by a girl who had it in her eyes but no heart to admit it.
I'd like to dedicate this post to all the young guys and girls who repress and hide their own urges and feelings.
It's really OK to be "YOU!"

Feelings of spring

When I sleep I have a dream. It is not one that lies on the edge of forgetfulness that when I wake it is lost or was it but once and so outstanding that I remember it for the moment in which it visited me. This dream is special because it returns to me often and like a theater run it is the same performance each time. The craftswomen of my mind weave out the same embroidered dream of love as I see her walk out of the sea and walk towards me where I sit beneath the shade of an overhanging palmae. On her approach, which is almost a glide across the warm white sands, she wears such a wonderful smile that at once endears her to me. I sense such a mounting excitement and my heart races as she reaches to me. She bends and leans forward as if to kiss me, then in the terrible disillusionment of all anticlimaxes, the dream ends. It is by no means to be considered an epic and if it was a movie this would be a single scene on the trailer. As I dream it, it may last a mere second in real time but for me living within it, it seems five or ten minutes long and so real in its warmth and texture as if I really do live it and I note such fine detail as if it is real event. I do not remember this moment ever happening in real life and I have never met the girl or visited the place of my dream. The possibility is then that it represents something I want and desire to happen in its symbolic nature.
Perhaps some of us pay little attention to dreams or some look for a deep or esoterical meaning. I think I just accept the fact that some parts of my mind does things that the rest of me does not always understand. Perhaps rather than just relying on what my eyes or my mind's eye alone tells me I should allow my heart to interpret those things as feelings. Letting my heart tell me my dreams rather than any cold analytical mind might help me understand more. What would those scientists say about love as they look at it under their microscopes, some chemicals in my blood affecting my behavior?
I would rather hear it from the Poets and I'd give anything to hear their voice tell me the warmth of my dream rather than why it is I dream it. It seems that life is very often a puzzle and all the pieces will fit together in the creation of who we are and what we feel and even our dreams. Every experience we have will be one more daub of paint on our life's canvas. All the shapes come together to create the picture of who we are now and what we will eventually become.

Some of us seem to wish that life was easier. I just wish that it was easier for me to understand with a greater depth in its seemingly intricate and often perplexing complexities. It is asked how we can understand others if we cannot at first understand ourselves. I have spent a great deal of time in trying to do just that and attempt to understand myself and I'm still trying. Just as soon as I cry out "Eureka, I have it", then it all seems to change and I have to start all over again. Thankfully my core beliefs seem to remain intact and true.
I am often undecided whether to follow my heart or my dreams. Momma always said that I should follow my heart even when I thought it was my dreams that I should be chasing. I have found really that love and the happiness that love brings is in my heart and in my dreams too. All I ever wanted was acceptance, love and understanding. I just wanted someone to love me as much as I would love them.

What is this post? Is it one of those with soppy girly feelings that I occasionally offer?
You all know I'm a tough girl, a gay girl but still a girl. One who is aware of what's important and for me this is important. Sometimes I feel like I'm a great explorer and I'll eagerly set off on a voyage of self-discovery that millions have already sailed before me. In simple truth, some of it is still new to me as I explore myself and the world I find myself in.
In understanding myself, I have just said that I might understand others better. You can transpose that into thinking that by reading me here and understanding me a little more, you might well see some of your self reflected here and so you too can explore your selves.
It also occurs to me that being in love is like setting sail on another adventure, perhaps the greatest one we'll ever undertake in our lives. In love the smallest distance is sometimes just too great and yet strangely we all know that in love the greatest distance can be bridged. It is something to consider as I wish all of you happiness and love in your own voyages of self discoveries. Spring is certainly the season to feel it!

	Pet Shop Boys - I Want To Wake Up
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

I have been out and chosen a nice little dress for my friend's wedding next week. You'll have to wait to see it!

~ ~ ~

I had a moment to chat with a dear friend of mine from China. I won't mention her name because she never gave me permission to do so. She mentioned that she often comes to read and excused herself for lack of comments but told me herself that she admired my writings.

It does not matter to me that she doesn't comment. I like that through my own therapeutic reasons of opening up my soul just a little and expressing myself in how I feel attracts readers to often view my page. I must admit thought that when she said that to me, I can tell you that inside I glowed. Simple words she gave me and that's all I needed to make it feel all so worthwhile....

Thank you my dear friend.