Sym-ple minds (Don't you forget about me!)

The Angels and I enjoyed a quiet flight from Sapporo to Narita airport on Thursday morning. There are often a lot of deals on flights to Narita instead of Haneda airport. Narita is much further out of the city than Haneda which means it is a fair drive back into the city but we saved a great deal of money choosing this option.
We all had books to read but I'd asked them how they had enjoyed their few days at Grandfathers home as we settled into our seats and it turned into one long happy chat. We discussed all that they had done, seen, experienced and the things that they want to do next time. They told me how wonderful it was being with Grandfather and meeting their Uncle Tokutaro (my eldest brother) and Aunt and they listened to tales of my past times in Otaru with smiling faces.
Once we landed in Narita we quickly found my brother Kenjiro who had come to pick us up because the angels were going to stay with him and their cousin Kyoshican over the weekend since Hitomi and I were both working the motorcycle show in Osaka.

Hitomi was at Kenjiro's home to meet us with both of our weekend bags packed and ready and together we all enjoyed a late lunch. Then after kissing the angels goodbye, Kenjiro drove us across to Shibuya station where we picked up the 1800 to Osaka. We dozed a little on the journey but there was so much news to share above and beyond that of holiday and family that it was hardly any rest at all.

By the time we reached our hotel, which I'd like to say was a glad one, it was just after 2130 and I was totally exhausted whereas Miss Plum seemed full of energy. Traveling really takes it out of me! We went downstairs to eat in the hotel restaurant after putting our bags in our very pleasant but small room and then with tummies satisfied we had a nice relaxing hot bath. We didn't see any of the other girls who were staying there that night because if they were sensible creatures and I admit not a lot of us are when we are out on assignments, they'd have been sleeping!
By 2300 we relaxed into bed (two singles I might add but we expect this) and my eyes must have closed at once.
All too suddenly the alarm buzzed us awake at 6:15 and so startled I was by it that I eyed Hitomi's travel clock with great suspicion and a mean look in my eyes. Then, almost reluctantly it was time for showers, dressing and breakfast where we met a few other girls working the event and who were also staying at this hotel. The bus arrived at 7:30 to take us all over to the Intex exhibition arena. We had a quick look around and then closely following our guide we found the SYM booth which we quickly went into its small enclosed back area to do our hair and makeup and then come out to meet our promoter.

This 29th Osaka show was a three day weekend event that was a great success with excellent attendances and we had an awful lot of fun working the crowds. On Sunday Nia came down to have a look around the event and of course come to greet her two favorite booth girls.
I am very happy that the wonderful people at 'Sym motors promotions' once again asked Yoshi for me personally even though I am out of contract with Yoshie. Happily Yoshi created for me a temporary freelancing assignment (which also keeps the client happy) and I'm also so grateful to her that that she worked it wonderfully for Hitomi to be the one to come on board with me. It has always been a pleasure to work 'SYM's' booth and after the first day I had chance to thank Yoshi personally face to face. Yoshi just smiled at me and said I must not feel obliged. I laughed and kissed her cheek and told her to just call me. Next week it's closer to home and what a big sight that'll be!
One of the most wonderful feelings in the world is to be remembered.

Divinity defined

Friday night had me doing my children's hair ready for Saturday morning at Hitomi's Photographic studios.
They were patient with me and sat quite still while I brushed, moussed, tied and pinned their hair. We sang songs together to pass the time. I say they even sing like angels...

On Saturday morning after breakfast we all drove up to the studios and met up with Miho, our resident photographer for the shoot. I put a little highlighting make up on the girls faces, which they loved because I don't normally allow them beauty cosmetics. The only cosmetics I allow them at such an early age are the health and cleansing products.
Talking with Miho I became aware of something else, the need to protect our children when they become publicly imaged and so from this post forward I am deliberately obscuring my children's faces. Looking through my blog logs, I am able to see who comes here, I can see what they look at, I see what links they click and importantly what they download. I know many people download photographs of me and I really don't mind that at all but I'm afraid that I do object to random people, strangers in fact, downloading images of my children.

I stood behind the photographer who was wonderful at directing my children and I must say I was impressed with her demeanor but when my children are puzzled they tend to frown, a habit no doubt they've picked up from their father. So I would adopt a pose and or a facial expression for them to imitate and I'd like to say that after the first four or five times I did that for them they didn't need me again. They enjoyed themselves and believed that they were angels and they made me feel so proud.

After the shoot and I have put six proud samples in my Flickr, they changed in the dressing room and we said goodbye to Hitomi because she had to work. We drove to Uncle Kenjiro's home where their cousin, Kiyoshi, was having a Christmas Eve party. I helped Sayumi prepare the food. I watched the children play together as I too munched on some of the food and I loved the way children just bond with acceptance so easily and readily. By the time Sayumi and I were taking through the first plates all the children knew each other's names and were playing together as if they'd all grown up together. Admittedly they were Kiyoshi's friend's from her school but my children had met their cousin only once before and they had never met any of her friends before, yet the others had been eager to know them and bring them into the group.
Why as adults do we find the same acceptance a slow and difficult procedure?
You can answer or research that one by yourself!

I left my girls there for a sleep over with their cousin and I went home to shower and change and I met Hitomi at the Mars for our Christmas Eve celebration night.
Kenjiro brought the girls and his family over for Christmas morning with us, Hiro and Rina and baby Yoshiro.
We telephoned Dad in Otaru, he was celebrating with my oldest brother, Tokutaro and his wife Shiori and we spent a great time with many of us talking. I hope next Christmas we can all be together, that would be a really beautiful moment for me and I hope for all of us.
The girls also telephoned their Christmas greeting to Tety's parents. I want them growing up knowing that both sides and even even distant family is important. Once their father is on the scene again I will allow him much more time with them than he allowed me. I want my children to grow up with the same values that I had as I grew.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas time.
Let us keep the good spirit within us as we face the challenge of a New Year that is almost upon us.

Dawn of a new day

You may watch some actor in the movies and read about some aspect currently affecting their lives in the latest magazines that are on sale each month but what do you really know about them? What do we really know about anyone? If you then go on to read their biography you be startled at such revelations that you find in between the pages and you may begin to understand their motivations and what affected and channeled their lives into the specific directions they took. We may learn what inspired them and what hardships they had to endure and we'll see what successes they achieved.
Pause for a moment and look at yourself, think back over your life and consider what ups and downs did you have in your life to get you here today?
What about Jazz, who is she really?

I cannot begin to understand how all the different people who drop by my pages may think about me. I'm sure some will think different things and perhaps emphasize certain attributes over others. Perhaps it's how I write when I'm presenting myself. I'm the one writing the script, directing the play and operating the lights. When you read a book does it not guide you to its conclusion? I wanted to write of myself in a neutral way showing that I was human with both good and bad times in my life but I guess there always was a personal bias. Who of us would write of ourselves with a purely ph7 neutral slant? It would to me feel to me as if I were writing with an emotionless and coldness of a scientific precision.
I blog here, I open my heart on many things in my life and I express my thoughts and offer up some of my feelings. I've said what's been happening in my life and to an extent I have revealed certain elements from the past. In my internet writing past I have been on message boards and was a regular in a couple of chat rooms and all these elements were different facets of me. I guess this blog has revealed the most about me but what is the real story behind Jazz? What secrets lay in that shadowed past and was the happy smiling Momo always as you perceive her now?

Well my world has changed now and so I'm going to reveal something that will possibly amaze you.
We can call it the story of Jazz and a lot of things you may know and some things you may not know or you may not even have guessed at and even then we can wonder is there any more to the story? Of course there is always more and even with what I'm about to say there are other peoples versions of it and other people's points of view, especially those of whom I mention. This is the concise edition and it is my edition and because there still have to be barriers in place some details are still obscured but I think this revelation will have your eyes wide open.

You know Jazz don't you! She's that mostly happy, clumsy, uncertain and honest girl. She's playful, respectful, a little impulsive, sensitive but strong and determined when she needs to be. She's a bit of a drama queen at times especially when her emotions get the better of her and the familiar blanket of confusion wraps around her shoulders.

My father is one of two sons. They each received an equal share of my grandfather's tool and machine parts factory which was moderately successful. However my Father had his own dream and to realize it he sold his half share to his brother and with the money from that sale he made his own imports and exports business.
My Mother was the younger of two daughters who had a dream of her own, a modest dream which was simply to have her own restaurant. When newly married, my Father made my Mother's dream come true. He bought a large property of three floors and a basement. The first floor became Mother's restaurant and as a family we all lived above it on the second floor. The ground floor became separate units that Dad rented out allowing each to have some underground space too. For a while one of the units became an eatery, an outlet of Mothers when the restaurant was closed during the early mornings. It did fairly well with the breakfast trade since we were quite close to Shibuya railway station and the office towers.

I was born and grew up in a busy environment with both of my parents running businesses. Looking back at it I don't believe that any of us, my three brothers and I were neglected. Father made time for us and so did Mother but I think we children did grow to rely on each other. Tokutaro, my eldest brother was and still is a natural leader and we all looked up to him. Today he is running dad's business as my Father enjoys a semi-retirement. Of course it is natural for the first born to be groomed into Dad's position. Dad has expanded his business interests and still has many things to do but at least he has more time for himself. Kenjiro, my immediate older brother was the creative one with ideas but he was also the quiet one. He usually contemplated things and then spoke when he felt sure he knew what it was he was going to say. He now has a good job with a large electronics company. As the girl, it was my job to look after Hiro, the baby of the family, which I did. But when he was asleep, I'd be out climbing trees and playing ball games with my older brothers.
I was quite often lost as a child and perhaps that hasn't changed much. I relied on my brothers a lot for direction and where Tokutaro was a natural leader, I was a natural follower but as I grew, I developed a sensitive and a rebellious nature, a nature that sometimes got me into trouble.
Mother was sick quite often and as teens we didn't fully appreciate the nature of her illness and of course we were never told of its seriousness. Still she carried on living her life, running her business and looking after all of us.
After my schooldays, I went off to Kyoto to study and it was there that I had my first relationship with a man, a Professor actually and I felt good about myself and proud that such a man was interested in me.
Yes of course I know now but I didn't know then that I was being used.
You can read about the professor here in the encrypted text after the post. The password is Paul (case sensitive).
In my final year, a lot of free time was spent attending interviews and selection-boards trying to find a job for the next year and it was on my third or fourth one where I passed all three rounds of selections and received a job-promise after my graduation.
Proudly then in the following year I started work for Fuji TV. I worked in several departments during my time with them but I started in advertising and that is where I met Tetsuya. I was a brand new trainee and he was a handsome, charming and lovely man that many of the girls had an eye for. He was an executive and from all the girls working there he liked me. We dated a few times and I know you all ask why I would do such a thing if I was a lesbian and had known that I was this way even from school days.
At this time in my life I felt as if graduating was the only thing that I'd done that had made my Father proud. When I say that today I know I'm wrong, but at the time it seemed as if it were so. Father was a strict and focused man and he was definitely not tactile, at least not with his children. He was very aloof back then although he has changed and mellowed since his semi-retirement. It was on my graduation day where I saw pride on his face and in his words to me for the first time. I recall that I grew up thinking that he didn't love me. My grades in school were never as good as my brothers and my Father used to say things like he could at least hope I grew up pretty and have an established man want to marry me. My dad was ruthless in business and I see that same characteristic within all of my brothers. They have followed him and made good with their lives. I alone sometimes feel I was the weakest and that my brothers carried me. The only one thing I ever beat my brothers in was English. Even my baby brother was a better cook than me, something I tease him about to this day.
So yes, I wanted recognition in my parent's eyes, I wanted them to see I could do well and when Tety and I started dating officially and he met my parents, they immediately warmed to him and were greatly impressed with him and I was proud of him and happier still that my parents loved him.
And then I became pregnant and he and I were married.
That's shocked you hasn't it?
Jazz why did you never tell us you may wonder.
Wonder no more because I open a door now to a secret past.

He bought a lovely house in Sensokuike and life was good. We decorated and furnished our home together and he gave me clothes, jewelery and money to buy what we needed. I was introduced to and accepted by his friends. I considered myself very fortunate and I know I was the envy to many of my colleagues at work. My daughter Sumomo was born without complication on June 11 2002 and I had stopped working shortly before then to look after my husband, my baby and our home. It was in the days after her birth that things started to go wrong. He started coming home late more often than ever before, phone calls that he'd terminate if I came into the room and he got angry a lot and then he started to hit me if I opened my mouth. I just wanted peace and I learned quickly that if I went to my knees and apologized and blamed myself for everything he would become appeased. I was scared of him and I didn't want him to hurt me or my baby as his aggressiveness grew. When he was shouting, she'd cry and he'd swear at me and order me to shut her up. I would try to comfort her but if I failed I got slapped.
Why didn't I take Sumomo and run away you may ask.
I should have done that, I know! But it was because I felt that it would bring shame to myself and to my parents if I did that. I still loved Tety and there were good days and when he invited friends over or he would organize parties, they started out to be quite fun. Whenever we had guests he was a perfect gentleman. I really had hope that he would revert back to the man I loved. Sadly there were far too many bad days and it was around this time that I started drinking, I was drinking a lot and he actually encouraged me and drank with me. I was so desperate for his fond wishes and for him to be happy with me again. I wanted him to love me and appreciate me even if just a little for my devotion to him and for him not to hurt me anymore and I did whatever he asked of me. Some things he asked me to do were things which simply abhorred me but I did them to try to please him. Lewd sex acts, alcohol abuse and then drugs came into my life. In so trying to please him, to make us a happy family I lost myself. I became pregnant again and I began treatment for depression and my alcohol abuse. I couldn't say anything about the drugs but they knew. My second daughter Riko was born on October 27, 2004 but by this time it was too late for us as a family. My husband had applied for a divorce and he was already openly seeing other women. I tried to leave and take my children and my husband did something terrible to me. It was something so wicked and evil that even now I can't talk about it. As a result of that I ended up in hospital and was interviewed by the police. I had been accused of being a worthless woman, a bad mother with depression and drug dependency and of being an alcoholic. The hospital reports indicated everything that my husband had accused me of to be reasonably accurate and because of his position and reputation I lost everything. Testimony of the Nanny and of our friends seemed to confirm this too. He took custody of our children and started a relationship with the Nanny, the girl he'd hired to help us look after our home and children.
After I was discharged from the hospital I returned to my marital home only to find that she'd packed my belongings in my suitcases. I didn't even have the money for a taxi home and I had to ask the Nanny if I may use the telephone. She gave it to me quite smugly and stood close and listened as I phoned my Mother to ask if she would pay my taxi home and give me my room back. Of course she said yes and I returned home in disgrace.
I was a broken woman. As soon as I got home and I put down my cases, my Mother came to me and held me in her arms for a long time comforting me and reassuring me and then suddenly without warning, she collapsed to the floor. To this day I blame myself for that even though the doctors told us it was chronic fatigue. I had so wanted to please my Mother and make her proud of me and here I was, Momo the complete failure causing pain in others.
The Cancer was having its effect and my Father decided to relocate. He was going, along with Mother to Otaru, his boyhood home in Hokkaido and he moved his office base to the nearby city of Sapporo. Mother had so loved it there on previous visits, it was peaceful and on the coast with a beautifully fresh, invigorating air and had no city stresses. My mother became much better after they moved - a fact that pleased all of us. Hiro, my baby brother, took over the running of the restaurant. He did better than everyone had believed. I know my brothers and I were happily surprised by his achievements. Mother was so proud of him carrying on where she left off.

I had to receive a little rehabilitation therapy and counseling that would go on for another two years. I even failed in a bid to commit suicide during this time because I was so low, so lost and so depressed.
Then an old associate at Fuji who had moved companies offered me a position at Non-no magazine. It was a junior position but I did well enough to be promoted within six months of starting and become a full staff member. I started seeing Terutaka again as a close friend. He'd always been my friend but it was at this time in my life that I took him to my heart a little closer. I don't know if I was wrong or right or it was all a horrible circumstance. We started seeing each other and he made me feel a lot better, I was no longer worthless and he was amazing and I will always love him for everything he did to make me feel better. Despite precautions I became pregnant with his child but he couldn't marry me because my divorce was not finalized. My own health at this time was precarious and the mental suffering had a physical knock on effect, I became sick and I lost the baby and after that we failed as a couple. In the same month that I lost our baby my Mother died.
It seemed to me I was losing everyone that I'd ever cared for and my depression became worse and my medications had to be increased.  I was also hooked again on Amphetamines, trying to find moments to smile. I was offered time off from work to attend Mothers funeral but I only took one week. Kenjiro drove Hiro and me to Otaru. We met Tokutaru there who lives in Sapporo. Everyone seemed so strong and I alone was constantly crying but I'm a girl and I'm allowed to cry. Dad never liked to see me cry and would always send me to another room to clean myself up but he never did at this time. I needed to let it out, let it all out.

Again I felt lost and I did what I always do, I hid myself behind a mask. You can't see the real me I thought, you'd just see the unmoving and immobile features of the mask. With such loss prevalent I went back to work because if I'd been left to brood alone at home, I really don't think I would be here today.
In one of those strange twists that Kama plays in our lives, the new project of city nightlife I was involved in at work had me choose a couple of theaters at random and write about the plays. I looked in the local newspaper theater guide for my first visit and 'a comedy of errors' seemed to scream at me. And that is how I met Hitomi, who was acting in that play and if the six years prior to that had been painful and dark, Hitomi has brought light and love and support to me in the six years since.
As our relationship grew I really opened up like a flower in the sunshine. She was amazing. She made me feel wanted and loved and she made me feel special and she restored my faith. I threw away the medication and the therapy sessions because I no longer needed them. Embodied in her was all I ever needed and I was alive again.

She knows everything about my life and has accepted me for who I am. So many people can go through a lifetime and not meet that one person who is so special. If you have met your special person then I'm so pleased for you.
I would go through all that pain and torture again if it meant that it was the only way that I could keep Hitomi in my life. That's how much she means to me. My divorce finalized in early 2006 and also that year I was officially declared cured of depression and drug abuse. I made an appeal for my children but I lost it and could only have them one weekend a month and the first few times had to be supervised. In 2007 Hitomi moved in with me and despite reservations I started to become open about my sexuality. I didn't have to be with a man in any sense of expected relationship. Finally I was with someone that I really cared for and who really cared for me and I suddenly felt free from so many burdens. I no longer felt lost. It seemed as if I had finally found myself.

On the days that I was allowed to see my children, it really hurt me that my children saw me as a visiting aunt more than their real and biological mother. It took some time for them to realize who I was and that Tety's wife (he married the nanny soon after our divorce) was their step-mother.
Tety and I have met several times after all of this. We had to when I came for and took back my babies but he's also met me on other pretexts, usually of a business orientation. He's flirted with me and he even wanted an affair with me once. I called him a worm but I forgive him for everything he ever did to me and he has been a good father to my children, I can't deny that.

On Thursday night last week my Father arrived with the news that Tety has been imprisoned for some pretty bad doings, things that I should not speak of here and subsequently I have been awarded full custody of my children. I had to show my heath reports and prove my financial ability to maintain my children.
 
That dear readers is the real story of Jazz's early days and no matter how idealistic or philosophic I wrote in times past or how much honesty I presented (even if veiled), I was weak and I could never face up to the shame and disgrace that he made me feel.
I wrote as if he and I had never really happened, at least not as intense as it was and I would not even directly mention my children here, it was my defense mechanism because I just could not open myself about that episode in my life.
Do my few remaining posts of this blog from 2005 and 2006 look more understandable now?
Perhaps not as they are still veiled with symbolism but you can easily see the depressing negativity and bitterness contained within them. Now that my children are back and safe with me I can finally feel strong enough to reveal the hell that I went through.

I have had a wonderful life since I've been with Hitomi but our lives are irrevocably changed now. I have asked Hitomi to stay with me and to help me raise my children and she held me in her arms and said that she wanted it as much as I did. She loves the children and they have taken her to their hearts.
Now it's finding a new school, moving then into our home and even buying more Christmas presents! Oh and they need new clothes and new shoes, especially winter boots. My stars they grow so quickly!
Yes, I am a Mother and I am going to be the best Mother I can possibly be. Hitomi supports me.

No matter what I hid, I was genuinely shocked at that soothsayer and hoped beyond hope that he could possibly have meant this moment. This is my day everyone. A day that I could only have dreamed of earlier and here it is here and now as I live it with a smile so wide and tears of happiness flowing along my cheeks.
I don't think I'll continue this blog, at least not like this. I am no longer the carefree whimsical girl of anyone's imaginings. Today I am no longer that weak worthless woman. I am somebody, somebody who found a strength, somebody with a family who love me despite all the mistakes I've made in my life, I'm somebody who has needed support and the help of her family and friends and somebody who is finally able to stand on her own again, I'm somebody with two children who need me, who need both Hitomi and I.

To all the people who ever helped me especially when I needed it the most, I sincerely thank you. Because it was you that helped me make it to here today, to my best day ever.
Special thanks have to go to my Hitomi, my Father and my late Mother, my brothers, Terutaka and to "G".
Thanks to our wonderful legal system for finally bringing justice.
Thank you everyone who came to read me, and those who offered me prayers, luck, advice and comments. I wish each and every one of you my best wishes and good luck for the future.
Thank you everyone.

After the show

After we’d thanked the guests of the last show, Hitomi, Amemiya and I went and sat and ate dinner in the staff eating area.

It was a small and quiet affair. Hitomi and I kept looking at one another and after watching us for some time he asked if there was anything wrong. I can’t imagine what he was thinking or what he thought he saw. I was just stealing glances and she was doing the same. It only seemed awkward if we glanced at the same time. Strangers in the night! Amemiya joined in thinking we were playing a game, only he did it in such an exaggerated way he had us both laughing pretty soon. It came to the point where I only had to look up at his face and I’d start giggling like I was a schoolgirl again.

My Stars!

After dinner I thanked Amemiya for such a great opportunity to work with him and he said I was a wonderful actress, which made me feel very good. I told him that I wasn’t really acting. I really did think he was a bad singer (as I’d had to say in my script) and I’d be donating his CD to the school for the deaf.*

He looked up at me strangely and I pointed to him and laughed.

He laughed too. He quickly realized that I was making a joke to get him to laugh for all the wonderful belly laughs he’d given everyone else today.

After Dinner Hitomi went up to her room and I told her I was going to see Dad. She didn’t want to come. I went up and got changed and then I ordered a taxi. I went to visit with dad who was staying at the Nikko Hotel. We’d actually passed his hotel on the way in.

When I’m with dad I tend not to drink beer from cans, I guess it’s not lady like. Instead, he ordered a nice bottle of ‘Grace Koshu’, which is a nice full bodied dry white and we had a selection of dried fruits to accompany it while we sat and talked in the relaxed and rather secluded lounge.

He asked how my day went and I told him it went better than I expected. He nodded and then he said something which brought a second lump to my throat. He said that despite everything he was very proud of me and he said that he really wished Mother could have seen me up there on the stage.

I had to sneeze again.

I reminded him that Mother had seen me do well in my previous roles.

He said he didn’t mean my acting ability, which he considered just average, he winked at me. Instead he meant how I had faced my fears and still acted accordingly. I said it has to be this way because he taught me such values when I was small.

He nodded and then told me that Mother had always said I was too sensitive.

I folded my arms and looked at him questioningly.

He shook his head and told me that he was getting old and before he leaves this world he wants to see all his children settled and I am the last one. Tokutaro, Kenjiro and Hiro are all settled with good positions and families around them and I alone seem lost.

I hung my head and asked if I’d shamed myself.

He shook his head in the negative and said that life is full of trials and I have come through some particularly hard ones. He was also sad that there is a great distance between us as a family.

I said that I did phone my older brothers at least once each month. He frowned at me.
I knew this was not what he meant.

We talked a while longer on other matters, ones I won’t say here but I acknowledge that I do have to find my focus again and stop drifting like boxes lost at sea.

It was late when I got back.

I tapped on Hitomi’s door to let her know I was back but I had no answer. So I went to my own little room and undressed and slipped into my robe I went to the small communal bathroom on our little corridor. Hitomi was sat in there doing her toe nails. She said that her hairdryer had broken and she asked if could she borrow mine. I gave her my room key and she went while I showered.

When I got back she was still in my room in front of my small dresser doing her hair. Then I dried my hair when she was finished and we talked about things we’d done since she moved out.  She told me about her new studio which she invited me to come see and I promised that I would.

She then asked if I’d like her to stay in my room for the night and I said that I’d like that very much.

We undressed and slipped into bed and I turned out the light.

It’s a funny thing and I think and I'm quite sure that it’s a common question at times like this. While we cuddled and got ourselves comfortable she asked if I’d slept with anyone since she moved out.

I explained who I’d been out with but that I hadn’t been intimate with anyone and she said the same. That said I think we both felt able to do what we did with clear consciences.

If at all possible it somehow seemed better than before and I certainly made sure she knew what she was missing.

We both slept soundly.

At breakfast she told me she was working for the next two weeks and then she was taking a holiday. When she got back she’d like it if we could meet up for a meal and talk.

I told her I was willing to do that. I told her some of the things that Dad and I had talked about.

She laughed at the sensitive Momo part.

I poked her ribs!

The train back home felt a lot better but it just seemed strange hugging her goodbye at the station.

It’s mad!

This emotion is not sentimental, noble or brave, it’s foolish and unfair.

Welcome to the real world!

*My joke regarding the deaf: It was a private joke shared between the three of us but now I've made it public here on the internet, I will apologies to anyone with hearing problems and I don't mean any disrespect to you. I'm sorry if anyone thinks it in bad taste.

In the dark

Sometimes there are a whole host of feelings that are lost behind words that we can never find. Despite our extensive vocabularies, our eloquence and a little poetic license, we find that sometimes we just stagger around in the darkness of confusion, bumping into things.
My eldest brother, Tokutaro decided that it was a good time to phone me. I have spoken before about him and the lapses between him and his brothers and sister (me) regarding communication is inconsistent. Admittedly it has improved since we spoke face to face last year and the last time that we spoke was sadly almost three months ago. I know, I could have phoned him earlier and I was planning to after this weekend, honestly!
He phoned my number and got my answer machine. No one likes talking to answer machines right? I detest having to do it. He then phoned Hiro, my brother next door and I was around there having tea, so he did manage to talk with me after all. After we spoke of the niceties, the news and other small talk a shock is what he had for us. Here is the news - our Father is dating a regular Lady now!
I know we all need someone and it was a few years after my beloved Mother passed before Dad even took the company of a Lady and perhaps it is only right. Even at his age he should not be alone.
I dare not ask him directly about her because it really isn't my place but I cannot help but be more than a little curious.
I think I may journey north soon!

The other day we had news that Riko, my esteemed colleague at the office, is moving across to a sister publication. She will be missed. How long she coveted my desk by the window is anyone's guess but after I thought that I'd resign for health reasons, I said that she could have it. The very next day I was given my job back but I still moved desk so she could have my desk by the window. I remember such a wonderful smile on her face that day. We have worked well together and I hope one day we will again. She can compliment any team with her insight and knowledge. It has been a privilege for me to work with her and to be her friend. She is lovely and I wished her well with a small token of my affection and respect for her.
Later that day, I was also asked to step into the boss's office.
He was nice and we talked of generalities and he quickly looked over some of my past articles and he even mentioned that I looked good in last months VIP magazine which elicited a small appreciative smile from me.
Then came the crunch!
There is a massive reshuffle going on inside the company and he no longer feels that my talents are best utilized in my current position. Would I be willing to re-locate to the office complex around the corner and into 'Classy?' He went on to say that my approach to writing just may be the spark they need over there to inject a little more dynamism into a new team they are assembling.
My heart sank!
The compliment was nice and perhaps expected when the boss wants something but I must have looked dreadful and I know there was a tear in my eye.
He must have been looking for my body language and facial expressions.
"Your style would also blend well into the jisin" he quickly added.
I told him that if he thinks I'm best suited over there then I will go there and do the best that I can but I would be extremely disappointed to leave "JJ" because that is where my heart lies.
Between you and I, I don't think my talents are suited with Classy at all but if I had to move and if the choice would be mine then I would choose jisin. It has a huge readership and its presentation isn't too far removed from what I've come to love from JJ.
Then it came, the inevitable carrot on the stick! At least I wasn't being bullied or forced it seemed, not yet anyway.
"There would be a salary increase in either position." he smiled reassuringly.
I nodded and I asked if I may speak frankly to which he agreed as he leaned back into his soft leather chair.
I said if it be the directive that I am to move sideways into one of our sister publications then I would do it and it need not be said that I'd continue to offer my best work but if the choice were my own then I would prefer to stay where I am as a part of an excellent team with a successful format that has seen an increase in circulation over the last couple of years.
There are two things to note in that statement. The use of the word 'sideways' was my little way of hinting that I would be much more interested and amenable if there was a promotion on the table and 'increase in circulation over the last couple of years!' Hello, that's exactly how long I've been a part of the team!
He looked at me for a long while before he started nodding and pursed his lips.
He said that he'd leave things as they are for now but it would be reviewed again in a few months.
With relief, I smiled and I thanked him.
As I headed down to my little office, I again wondered just how much of a gamble is going full time with the agency?
Talking of which, I have a massive promotion over the weekend for a car accessories company. Those last shoots may well have been worth it.

Blurred

It's been pretty cold here, the temperature just above the freezing point. Watching the news I see Beijing and Seoul under heavy snow and Dad said on the phone that it's snowing a little where he lives. I wonder if it will reach us. The news that warmed our hearts was the fact that Tokutaro, my eldest brother, returned home to Sapporo from a business trip to the U.S.A and he phoned Hiro and I and we shared all of our news just like we all promised last year. I feel a sense of well being knowing that my family makes the effort to greet distant members. As children we were all under one roof and that placed the sense of family upon us. The world and the passage of years may change who we are but at heart we should never forget the unity and bond that is family. Then I telephoned Kenjiro, my other brother who lives an hour away in Sumida. Unfortunately he was really busy and only gave us one minute. I did not make any issue of it because worryingly, I heard tremendous strain in his voice and was quite concerned. I phoned Dad for a second time and he laughed because I'd phoned him twice in one day but he listened to me as I expressed my worries. He said that he'd call him and that made me happier. I know he will give dad more than one minute! (Laughs)
It upsets me when family is not as it could be.

On Sunday I traveled to Osaka for the start of a three day series of meetings. I booked into my hotel at lunch time and went down to the universal studio theme park for the afternoon. I was happy to see the "happy snow party" and see Kittychan and Charlie Brown. I had a most relaxing afternoon and I won't let the pressures that started last year affect me this year. In fact I am looking forward to my interview and photo shoot on Saturday.

Renewed

It's a strange feeling that I feel inside and of course I want to credit some of it to Hitomi coming home to me once again but it's more than that. Imagine you had been walking for a few weeks and many kilometers in a foggy place and no matter which way you looked everything was slightly indistinct and blurred. It just felt like things suddenly came into focus or perhaps I finally put on my eye glasses. "The mists are clearing" the fortune teller whispers as she waves her hands over the crystal orb.

Monday was a good day. I had to go into work for a few hours but in the early afternoon I met up with someone special, someone who I hadn't seen since... breakfast!
Hitomi met me outside the agency office and we went to feast carnivorously at the steak house as her treat. It was a small affair and just the two of us on my birthday lunch.
I'd like to thank everyone from the net who kindly sent me birthday cards and greetings. Thank you very much for kindly remembering me.

Strangely one of the topics that we discussed over lunch was infidelity. Let me reach for my indigestion pills!
The rumor around the club and everyone knows that the value of unsubstantiated rumors, is that our friend Azami has left her partner Kuri. I had felt that there was some problem between them last week and look at me talking is if this was already established fact! Oh the lure of speculation.

I don't believe that monogamy is a natural thing and although we all want to be faithful and most of us think that we have a line which we won't cross, some people don't care and will take sexual gratification at any chance that comes along. Others are just tempted into it by circumstances and weakness of willpower against desires and then in suffering pangs of guilt afterwards may seek to hide it or confess to it. Despite the obvious flaws of humanity I like to think of us in our best moments that we are basically altruistic and most of us would help others without desire of reward. Think of all the acts of people in the rescue services and even bystanders who would help strangers in distress. This co-operation and want to help seems to be instinctive.
The media like to report on conflicts and hatred and cheating and usually end with a by-line of a local hero who did well. We are collectively quick to condemn the cheats even if we are detached observers. Fairness matters a great deal in a co-operative society and so we want transgressors of even unspoken rules to be punished harshly.

Of course this topic expanded into 'what-if's' and the feelings associated with it.

Does having a flirtatious relationship on the internet have the same impact as one in real life?

I think most people would agree with me that it is and it can damage real life relationships. I had thought she was inferring some of my behavior online. Oh am I guilty?

It is not so much a modern phenomenon as much as it is an evolution of the secret correspondence of past eras. Such love letters passed covertly between far away lovers that told of desire and the imaginings of what could be if things were different. We spoke of opportunities that arise based on lonely feelings when partners are away for long periods. As we sat with our white wine, we decided that infidelity is more of the psychological act and is truly about what is said and what is shared and we should forget about the medium in which it is conveyed. Trust is something both she and I have and we are determined that no such similar speculative gossip will be spread about us. Of course it could be made up if there is no real drama to whisper about!

We spent my birthday evening in my young brother's apartment with his and Rina's company. It was nice of my eldest brother, Tokutaro, to phone me a birthday greeting. He is a man of his word and we have talked more since his promise to me. My other brother, Kenjiro and dad both phoned me earlier in the afternoon so it had been another good day.

The fog burning away in the morning sun...

She lights my day of course but like an added birthday gift I had some really good news on Tuesday morning.

It was one of those hope inspiring moments that you want so much to be true even after having resigned myself to what I had already considered as inevitable!

I'll leave that in a silent world for the moment.

A canal runs through it (Pt2)

Every time that I have been here in Otrau, I have always said that "I feel calmer here, as if the stressful environment of 'rush city' falls away into the distance and leaves me feeling as if I could walk on clouds." This place has never been my home and yet strangely it feels more than home. It feels like I could so easily belong here and feel a greater freedom. I wonder if in my mind that may refer to having less of a responsibility or some other such fancy. Several times the thought occurred to me that I never want to leave this place. In my absence it would continue to exist and far to the south beyond its sheltering hills, a girl sat at a desk would dream of this place. Looking out over the bay I was invigorated by the salty breeze that cooled me from basking under the summer sun. The rocks that I sat upon must have had countless generations come along and sit on them and admire the beauty and the serenity of here just as I do. A place such as this I hope will last for at least a thousand more generations to come and they too will have such moments as these. What words were spoken here decades ago I wonder and such words may still hauntingly echo amongst these rocks. What words will come and dress them tomorrow and a hundred years hence? Poets could sit here and be inspired to write great works! The deep and clear blue waves don't crash here as the energetic waves of the Pacific would slam them selves against our southern shores, here they seem to respect the the stillness and the calm and the waters are placid and gently they caress the rocks that were my vantage point to behold such wonder.

I am happy here and I have often said that life is all about happiness and as we watch the minutes of life pass us by we should consider such feelings. I am not talking about just being content, laid on my bed with a good book or having a midnight moment of madness with a DVD and a large dish of ice cream. I mean being here and saturating my senses within this tranquility. Happiness comes from enjoying moments such as the hot passionate shared moments with my lover, listening to the sweet violin of Crisako Takashima, having carefree fun with my friends, the magic moments we share with children and to be here in such a place where the future doesn't really matter at all because here it has a sense of timelessness and the minutes stretch themselves into hours and I am immersed within a 'eudaimonia' moment. This is not just a state of bliss but a whole way of life.

The meadow just behind the house is a magical place rich in green splendor, speckled with spots of color as the flowers peep at us and spice the air with fine fragrances. Here where the years of growth that my sisters and I have accumulated fall from us like a spring rain that leaves behind it the freshness. We run and laugh and play like children, our carefree abandon sounds like innocent laughter and is eagerly projected with radiant smiles. This place could well be the haunts of Peter Pan and Wendy Darling. "Oh I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!"
Let Tinker belle sprinkle more magic and once again as a child, I can look at my world with wide-eyed awe and see the beauty in everything.
Isn't this the idyllic life? Yet we cannot hold on to it for long. The pressures of life demand that we return to our responsibilities and duties. We chain ourselves to niches and reality sometimes wears a face that wouldn't look inappropriate upon the strict school mistress staring menacingly at unruly children. Each one of us is a cog in the great clockwork of society.
'Deus ex machina' I call to the distant horizons where all things seem to merge into one and yet the moon still smiles down upon the distant twinkling lights of Sapporo.

Dad and I drove to Sapporo and spent the evening with my eldest brother, Tokutaro. When we were children he was the leader and I always tried to emulate him, probably much to the disconcertion of father. Our brother was strong and decisive and that's what I wanted to be too. It is no wonder that I got into so much trouble all those times at school. Emulation rarely appears natural!

The years pass and we grow older and he has now become very much our Fathers son. He is cool and yet dynamic and he has a powerful business drive just like Father did. He seems distant now as if he alone bears the weight of future fortunes upon his shoulders. It is a sad and painful admission that I do not seem to know him now in our adult years when such distance has made us strangers. I asked him when he last spoke with Hiro, our youngest brother. With the smile of chess player sensing victory he gave his answer and said without hesitation that it was last July when I was in hospital and he came to visit. I think to myself why so long? I asked and the time before that? It was then that his smile faded as he struggled with his memories.

I reached across the table and touched his hand and he at once looked uncomfortable. Shiori, my sister in law, looked at me as if I was most daring in my manner, but remained quiet.
"Let us not be strangers" I begged of him and I promised him that Hiro and I would call him at least once a month and we could share our news. I was happy to see just for a moment the corners of his mouth turn upwards as if remembering that once they used to be able to smile. He nodded once.
So much like Father used to be before he mellowed out.
It was very good to see him once again and I hope he felt the same about me.

Oh let the voices of madness sing sweet songs to me
and let the hours forget about me and the currents pull me where they will.
I will not journey there to fall but to fly.

	Anna Ternheim - Today Is A Good Day
	Found at skreemr.com

Moments are here and then they are gone and the present is of such impermanence as if to question reality itself as we are forever falling into the next moment. Don't let the years drift by, please do your best to make all your moments special and enjoy each and every one of them.

I have burned my candle at both ends and as such it won't last long but still the light is glorious.

A canal runs through it.

Warm summer days embrace me and as the old adage would suggest, these are the times when a young girls mind turns to...
... An empty chair and her side of the bed that remains empty. The seasons suddenly seem accelerated.
Otaru used to have a massive waterway canal feeding the towns industries but now what remains is purely decorative. Canals suddenly seem important!

I finally made it here to Dad's house on Sunday evening because something important came up on Saturday and that affected my travel plans.
Dad and the girls and I had a wonderful dinner together and then I sat alone with Father in his study. It all sounds so wonderfully exuberant doesn't it?
It was a utility room and a laundry room in its history but since Momma's passing, Dad turned it into an office where he could work from home and then as he relinquished more and more to Tokutaro, my eldest brother who lives a few kilometers away in Sapporo, the office became more of his study.

Dad and I had a very open and honest chat about things and all it seemed I wanted to do was to make him see his strength in me, his blood passed into me and then he did something very unexpected. He just stood and held me in his arms and I just cried. I couldn't help it.
He never told me I was silly which is how I would have predicted a response from him. All I can say about that is what he said to me was warm and wonderful and words that I waited so long to hear out loud. They were also comforting and made me feel good about myself again.
Enough silliness!

This morning I walked out towards the lighthouse and spent some time with my 'sisters' just looking out at the fishing boats and the ferries and for some reason being by the ocean or in this instance, Ishikari Bay, always calms me. I must invest in one of those relaxation C.D.'s that has sounds of the ocean and whale song as tracks.

I do feel better and I was going to write about such concepts as acceptance and the delicate balancing acts between knowledge and ignorance but none of this matters to me at this moment in time. I do have new plans for the future that have to be flexible in the extreme and of course each and every one of them will be subject to change at a moments notice.

I had a mail from a friend who was concerned about the current trend of my 'blogging style' and in replying to him it made me think about it too but unfortunately it's harder for me to see when I'm the one inside the specimen bottle.
This has caused me concern though and I thought that if this person sees it will others? Without using the person's name, because I don't have their permission, I want to make public my reply to perhaps offer a general calming of the situation.

Hiya ********** It is kind that you offer me a thought in this manner, thank you very much. From my own point of view it seems like a natural progression. Of course to compare my last entry with this time last year might present an obvious change but such is the nature of change over periods of time that I think my view seems correct. Then again since you seemed moved to write to me and mention it I must consider that your view is quite a valid one. All hail the distant and casual observers in the audience for they see a different picture than those up on the stage reading aloud their lines. Apologies for my metaphors, even they seem dipped in cynicism these days and I would never intentionally mean to insult you. The truth dear friend is that the elements of life, such as it is, can have everything from momentary to momentous and sometimes something so momentous can come along to make you change. Does that make sense? It does to me so you must see it too. Some truths you accept Some truths you confront Some truths you reject Some truths you don't want to be true but it does not stop them being so. Some truths are lies and the majority of the public want to accept it. Truth has a unique structure that can change its shape depending on the angle of your point of view. Please keep your stars twinkling in my sky because I love to look upon them and make wishes and smile at my own insignificance in the vastness of all things. Please don't worry. I have said that my blog is sometimes my own therapy. Self expression takes many forms. Thank you for your mail to me. Respectfully Tomomi

Thanks for all the messages everyone has sent by various means - it appears that several of you want comments back.
So by popular request - I officially re-open comments.
Do with it what you will and say what you want.

Random thoughts in a cool head or cool thoughts in a random head

Last week while I was with Hitomi, I had mentioned to her about Ayu telling me that Terutaka, my last boy-friend, was around again and had not disappeared from the face of the Earth as we all had suspected. I had seen his Mother over the months when I had been in Roppongi and spoken to her once or twice but it was just the social niceties and no real information was passed. I think there was a measure of embarrassment from both sides since at one point he and I were one step away from marriage. Then everything fell to pieces and the whole Earth was swallowed up by the sun and neither side of midnight had looked like a good place to dance. Just like any events in our lives, I have played it out in my head over and over again, first blaming myself, then blaming him, blaming exterior pressures and then finally realizing that it was a result of a series of bad circumstances and perhaps it was our fault that together we didn't stand and fight for what was ours. But much more than just that brief glorious moment was the friendship that we'd enjoyed since before that and back to our school days and Ayu was right, that this should mean a whole lot more, especially since he was making the first gesture of an out-stretched hand of renewed friendship. I guess I really should be calling him my friend and not my ex, but before I go that far, I really want to see how our first meeting will go.

After I had told Hitomi the news she just came to sit by me and held me for a while and said it was ok to meet him. Hitomi had only met him the once when I was in hospital two years ago and they had visited at the same time.
What was the hug about?
I had thought that it was a thank-you for be being totally upfront and honest with her and seeking her permission first before I met him. But she knows me well and that I'm like that anyway! So then was it a way of saying 'I feel a little insecure about your meeting but I trust you' and hug for emphasis? Never in our time together have I given her reason to doubt me and she has never given me reason to doubt either. Finally after giving the matter great thought, I think that it's just the guilt and nervousness of my own feelings about meeting him that sends all these doubts and crazy thoughts through my head.

I met up with my old friend Aya for lunch, which was more Sapporo Pilsener Premium than the kushiyaki and you already know that I've cured my addiction to alcohol, right?

Haha!

Aya has always 'liked' Terutaka and she was urging me to text him as I told her the story and so I finally relented and did it. I can't keep putting it off! His reply came back before the food arrived, saying that he is free on Friday night.




So as Aya is trying to get me to do something wild like meet him in the Womb, that's a nightclub in Roppongi and not the physical location in my body, and incidentally it is also one of her favorite places to hang out. I decided to text him and say that we can meet for dinner in my brother's restaurant at eight.

I think I prefer the advantage of home ground because I am a little nervous about it and I have other reasons for doing it this way.

When it comes to filling in my blogs with, as I phrase it, "random thoughts and other neural activity painted upon my canvas!", I always wonder what everyone's favorite topics are and if you prefer me to write about what's happing in my life or you my personal thoughts of what's happing in the world or a mix of both which I think offers a good balance.

I now find that my Father arrives in the city this Friday evening which was unplanned. To say he has retired is an untrue statement even if it is his official status. Yes he spends more time on the golf course and he even had a round with Hitomi who loves the sport too, but he still spends more than thirty five hours in the office or chasing contracts or helping Tokutaro, my eldest brother, who now takes his place. So I have postponed my evening with Terutaka until the following week.

シュガー＆スパイス

Sugar & Spice