I've realized that my 'who I know' list is surprisingly shorter than I had often imagined as I started e-mailing out to previous contacts for freelance work. I had a good reputation there before I started working for the magazines and hopefully someone will throw some work my way. Failing that I can put my name on the boards again and hope for a few calls from there although they are often the bare minimum wage jobs regardless of a writers usual rates and no such things as retainers are mentioned. This is not an option that's high on my list and thankfully while my in-box remains on the slimmer side of empty I'm not likely to succumb to panic as I gently play with my Venusian leather bound copy of 'The hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy'.
Perhaps I hanker for the thrill of it all, the deadlines and the endless hot drinks and the quickly eaten meals as the midnight oil burns over a messy paper strewn desk where I sit over a beaten up keyboard in an almost forgotten corner of the small hours.
Beat me and whip me I cry as I once more potentially adopt the regime of self-torture.
My image has appeared in Hot Pepper, which is a free magazine, published here in most major cities that is full of adverts for local businesses and often has accompanying discount coupons. People have a tendency to use venues they know and trust as we are mainly creatures of habit. Our own restaurant has many local regulars and so what better way to tempt potential new customers into your premises than an advert to show a warm inviting ambiance. A model family enjoying succulent, mouth-watering specialties and of course a coupon that entitles you to something free or a nice discount. I'm not there in the restaurant section as some may surmise because obviously they'll have images of those very same comfortable settings and those appetizing dishes.
I'm there in the hair and beauty section (laughs), where else?
'Ah fame at last' she says smiling and reclining comfortably in her chair! Well not exactly, I was pleased to agree when my hair school asked me last January if they could use my image freely for use in their advertisement.
Miss Shun-Impossible has been in Kobe to secure a small but valuable contract for a shoe company based over there. She came back all smiles and had with her a nice bottle of wine to help celebrate her success.
This is not anything like the normal singular jobs that she quite often works for or any of the model and non-commercial assignments but again, thanks to contacts made over a few years in the industry herself, she managed to get the contract for one of their long term sales campaigns.
The Angels got themselves on paper when a very nice old street artist drew them as we looked around the Mosaic garden just outside the mall. It's nice to pick up end of range bargains as stores try to clear their old stocks. These are good quality clothes at bargain prices and I'm not so rich that I can turn away from money saving opportunities. Sometimes, as I am so want to spend at every single eye-catching sales that I see, especially those with fashionable children's clothes, I have to consider more the finances, the wear-ability factors, the quality of the fabrics and the stitching and of course I want them to look good. Their presentation is still a reflection of me.
They are mini versions of me and I see a lot of my being within each of them. Of course I see elements of their father but girls follow a Mother and I am proud of my little Angels.
I closed my eyes for just a moment but there was not the darkness one expects in order to drift off to sleep. Instead I was still sitting at my desk but now I sat behind huge mountains of folders and papers and random documents. Somewhere under the pile may have been my computer but I wasn't sure. The boss, a rather large old man with grey hair and a vastly receding hairline, was lying across a couch in the far corner of the room. He wore an oxygen mask over his face and seemed to be struggling quite hard to breathe. His partner, a pretty girl with a very short haircut and long legs, was racing around the room on roller skates. She was taking folders from one filing cabinet and placing them on empty desks and picking papers up from other desks and filing them away in other cabinets. A man with a camera stood outside the window on a small balcony ledge clicking away at all angles to record the apparent mayhem within.
I opened my eyes with a slight shudder and leaned back in my chair.
How long I had dozed off I'm not quite sure but my tea was still warm.
I have suddenly received a lot of translation work and as such it keeps me tied to my desk for long hours that crawl into the dark nights. From my desk which at times seems to manacle me here, I see the afternoon rain dance across my window, I see Hitomi come home and I will take a break so that we'll eat together. After hot food and brief conversation I'll go back to my desk and she'll do whatever she has to do, clean the dishes, read, do her email and watch a little TV. Finally, from over the rim of my glasses, I'll watch her switch it off and then she'll come over and kiss me goodnight. She'll close the blinds on the dark skies and switch off the lounge light and go to bed leaving me typing away under my desk lamp. I may take a quick break to make tea and to stretch my legs but quickly I will then resume my work.
Working from home has a lot of advantages but I suffer from a lot of distractions and I find that I do not focus or concentrate so well as if I were in the office. I also feel the pressure upon me as the deadline looms like an incoming tide creeps up the beach to wet my toes that dangle over the pier. So far I have always been within deadline and you'd think that with my work history I'd be used to juggling schedules and working to tight deadlines by now but the truth is that you never get used to it no matter how many 'time management routines' you follow.
The school book editing job that I have enjoyed these last few months was a temporary position and it closes at the end of this month and so I have my eyes open for another source of income.
I'm quite sad that a little bar I use is coming to a close too. It's a small to the point of tiny little place that you just walk into from off of the street. Twelve people would fill it and I liked it because of its shadowed compact and cozy atmosphere, the light music and friendly chat and of course Harumi and Hisoka, who have run the bar since they opened it together in the late sixties. Over my white rum and pineapple juice I asked Harumi why it was time to close. He said they were not getting any younger and they wanted to just retire together. They had wanted to sell the bar in its present format so that perhaps the few regulars could continue to enjoy it but no buyers came forward. The owners of the small market next door have made them a good offer. The market space will expand and the bar will disappear. Time brings so many changes and so many places with links to the past and a treasure trove of memories fade away. These places that a lot of us remember are replaced by tomorrows expansions as they race away to hide yesterday.
I paid for my drinks and bid my farewell. I nodded to the other five drinkers in the bar and left a large note in the donation jar. Perhaps from their point of view it is time to rest, to enjoy peace and the company of each other in a more relaxed environment. I have no doubt that they will talk and laugh many times in the future over ice chilled drinks served to them as they share their own memories.
Oh I'm beautiful and I'm damned and these are the continuing tales of Jazz.
(As stated on the book cover)
It was a fairly quiet Friday afternoon with a gentle rain streaming down the windows as I cleared my desk for the very last time. I hold images of their smiles and of their large, sad, wet eyes burned into my soul. Inside I can feel the elation that comes with certain freedoms as my metaphorical chains are broken open. I also feel a little trepidation for an uncertain future despite my plans. I have some time before I start my new position at the end of the month. I held their cards close to my breast, that carried their well chosen and heartfelt good wishes and I received a beautiful pink floral farewell from everyone.
I handed in my Pass and had five minutes with Hana, the section editor, who wished me well before my final goodbye. I feel that I'm leaving behind a big part of me behind. Goodbye my little cozy desk behind the door. Goodbye my old coveted desk by the window. Goodbye you silly coffee machine that always burned me or poisoned me. But seriously, goodbye to an excellent company and the most wonderful colleagues I could have ever hoped to have had and sadly the end of my part within such a wonderful team. There was no replacement for me but that is the scheme of things. Mizuki and I will meet again we promised as we just held each other. Is it too early for champagne? We have coffee instead!
"FUN FINAL OFFICE MEMO"
After ___[1]___, I have decided to leave the company in order to ___[2]___. While this was not an easy decision for me, ___[3]___. I have ___[4]___ my time here and will ___[5]___. This company has been ___[6]___ and I will always ___[7]___. I look forward to ___[8]___ and wish you all ___[9]___. Until ___[10]___, I bid you all adieu.
[1]
a. careful consideration
b. the flip of a well worn ancient coin which gives me doubts as to which is the flip side
c. searching for a way out of this madness
d. getting drunk on Russian Vodka
e. recovering from my bout of amnesia and remembering that I don't know the first thing about journalism
[2]
a. accept another position
b. pursue an modeling career – see me on the cover of the seediest magazines way up there on the top shelf
c. abandon this alter-ego and devote all my time to my super girl duties
d. live off the generosity of others (Daddy, clients and whoever fills my begging bowl)
e. be able to sleep at night
[3]
a. I feel it is the right one
b. the fortune teller assures me that she is never wrong
c. it wasn’t exactly rocket science either
d. it was easier than hanging around until somebody realized I wasn’t doing anything
e. stock options are hard to resist
[4]
a. thoroughly enjoyed
b. cautiously endured
c. already forgotten most of
d. surfed the internet a lot during
e. miraculously survived
[5]
a. miss all of you I have come to know
b. never look back
c. remember the little people I crawled over on my way to the top
d. miss the freebies
e. eagerly await the tears of sorrow when you hear I am leaving
[6]
a. a great place to learn & practice my skills from some of the best
b. very punctual with my pay checks
c. a benevolent master to this obedient slave
d. by far the best company I’ve ever worked for
e. the source of my stress and ill health
[7]
a. value my experience here
b. be thankful that my work wasn't torn up
c. keep garlic and a crucifix nearby
d. think back fondly when sunbathing on a tropical beach
e. believe the children are our future
[8]
a. working with many of you in the future
b. getting out of here alive
c. retirement
d. the next series of the L-word
e. being the client (giggles)
[9]
a. the best of luck in your future endeavors
b. had for me a going away gift
c. would kiss me byebye
d. were coming with me
e. could appreciate how funny this memo is
[10]
a. our paths cross again
b. I get fired and come begging for my job back
c. hell freezes over
d. the next firm-sponsored event with an open bar
e. I present my own fashion show
I have a moment to breath before the next chapter in my life begins. Next week I have a few more health checks and a day out with the agency.
Things are getting back to normal now after my brief appearance on local TV.
The office seems larger and more hectic now because as we suffered the effects of a reduced staff, a couple of replacements came in and everything was fine until there was another reshuffle and again we lost two more staff members. I'm not privy to all the information regarding the logic and reasoning behind the restructuring at work and even if I were I may not agree with it. The bottom line is of course profit margins and those upstairs make the decisions that they think will ensure the future profits of the company. I know that it's not my place to comment on such things and of course I am very happy and very grateful with all the opportunities that I've had from my company, but I'd just like to say out loud that for my own personal feeling and in listening to the whispers around the corridors, staff moral has dropped a level as we explore our new efficiency drive.
It was just four weeks ago that I was walking along the roads in a short skirt and light blouse, enjoying the summer sunshine. Now I walk along the same roads with a coat and an umbrella and my boots collecting leaves that have fallen from the trees.
As we seem to have quickly slipped from one season into the next, Hitomi and I have been artificially enjoying the fun of next season. Fun being Funabashi over in Chiba and the artificial snow they have there in the ski dome. It's been a while since I've been on the snow and as usual, Hiyomi and her sister Nanako are much better on the slopes than Aya and I. Despite the profusion of lattes and cappuccinos thawing us out from the inside, it was snow-cold fun!
It was fun until I fell over and really hurt myself.
Now I know what you're thinking.... you're thinking that as a complete an utter novice on skis that I was skiing down the slope and I lost my balance and after performing several rolls that would make a gymnast envious, I came to an inglorious halt and ended my run looking like a snowman or an untidy pile at the foot of the slope, right?
Well I may have done that once but that was not how I hurt myself!
As we left the building and headed into the car park, the strap on my holdall snapped and fell to the floor in front of me and I in turn tripped over it!
The girls helped me up and we got back to the car fine. We dropped Aya by her home and when Nanako dropped us, as soon as I got out of the car and stood, I almost fell again. I was a little worried and so she drove us over to the hospital where I had it checked out.
It's a silly little thing just falling over a bag but there I was sitting on an inspection table having a very nice Doctor look at my leg. I had an X-ray before she dug her fingers in and squeezed the muscle in places to feel it. I bit my lip and winced. The bruising was quite extensive.
The good news was that nothing was broken but apparently I have strained the ligaments and torn the muscle. I have to wear an elasticated bandage for just a couple of days when I walk on it but take it off as I rest it in an elevated position although it doesn't look so bad in the photo.
I sat at my desk at home and rubbed my tired eyes. I have not slept well recently and I ascribe that to frequent changes in my timings of wakefulness and sleep. I stay up late for a variety of reasons and not all of them are personal and consequently I am waking late the next morning and then find that I can't really sleep well the next night and I have an early start the following day. My bodily rhythm is all out of 'synch!'
I leaned back in my chair and looked at scattered sketches and a half hearted attempt at an article. I say half hearted because it appeared gray and drab to my dark, tired eyes and it lacked my usual charisma. The words read as if dull and monotone. Perhaps it's the way I read it rather than how I wrote it. I could be reading it with a listless detachment devoid of my usual emotive inflictions.
I rubbed my temples an attempt to soothe away the pressure.
Headaches are scary for me. They rob me of reason and calm and the ability to function well. The fear that I speak of is the nagging doubt inside of whether it is something more than just a mere headache. Of course it can't be anything more I assure myself, my last scan showed all was well and so this pain my dear Momo is exactly what it appears to be, a nagging headache!
I watched some astronomy program on TV as I sat with my hot cocoa and tried to relax and ease myself out of my work related stress. I'm home now and I should be able to 'switch off' and forget my working persona with all of her duties. I still have plenty of time before the deadlines.
There was a time when I thought of myself as a deadline queen. When I was between situations I'd get a call for a required article for some magazine or paper of the 'blow in the wind', bits and pieces kind. A seemingly pointless piece like a space filler and the reasoning behind it would only be understandable to the editor who saw the big picture and was aware of the continuity and coherency of the overall magazine flow. Where exactly the piece would go as the pages were turned through their own logical continuity. I of course didn't care about any of that, it was just rice and meat to me but I personally wanted to be associated with dependability and reliability and so I tried hard, real hard. I'd take these assignments from anywhere and everywhere that other writers would seemingly dismiss or 'not have the time for' and I'd have editors thinking of me when they were looking for someone who'd show willing. Word would slowly go around that I'd take these small unassuming commissions and I'd make good. I'd get other calls from numerous other sources for other work which kept my bank balance looking healthy and I can tell you that this was important to me when I was between contracts and struggling freelance. The editor of such and such might have called me around ten in the evening and he wanted so many words on a certain subject and could I have it done by six the following morning? I'd usually get straight to it, a little introductory research and mentally outline my approach and then I'd hammer the keys so to speak and I'd usually get it done a little quicker than the proposed deadline and send it off with an hour or two to spare in case of the return call and the re-write request. Those were the times of apparent freedom from the constraints of contractual obligation balanced by an almost independent license with ambiguous uncertainty.
Back to the present and the stiffness in my neck that I feel as I try to massage it with one hand and the heaviness that I feel behind my eyes and still I slow down in drinking my cocoa to make it last a while longer as I watch this journey through the stars on television.
I thought the sun was pretty big until I saw this TV show that certainly placed it in perspective.
You can get a similar idea here... (Amazing)!
I took some pills and slowly and very delicately brushed my teeth so as not to aggravate the pounding that I felt growing in my skull and I turned off the TV midway through the proposed fate of an ever expanding universe. I somehow wished that my head could expand to accommodate the galloping horses, the drumming carnival and the small artillery battle.
I got into bed and lay still in the darkness.
Darkness turned to semi darkness as by eyes became accustomed to the night.
I was alone in the semi darkness, Miss Adventure being on tour again. I just lay looking at the space she'd usually occupy. I turned. I turned several times in the hope of finding a single position that would offer me comfort. The clock labored slowly to display ten and I finally closed my eyes in a determined effort to sleep.
I don't know how long I lay there but sleep wouldn't come and I refused to open my eyes to check the clock which was I'm sure, racing for the morning.
I could hear the traffic out on the Aoyama dori and the trains entering and leaving the station. So much for the soundproof windows! I could hear people talking outside as they left the restaurant and I heard a cell phone ringing for attention out there far in the distance and perhaps a gong sounded out there too although I can't imagine why I would hear that as the throbbing and the pulsing at my temples increased its relentless pressure.
Perhaps certain sensitivity can arise under certain conditions.
I must have dozed at some point, perhaps a few seconds later or several mind numbing hours after the ringing of that strange gong out there in the unknowable distance out there and as consciousness began to return it seemed that I hovered in the nether regions between wakefulness and sleep and I became aware of a conversation taking place close by. I didn't recognize the voices and I wasn't sure of the language either but it seemed I could catch names and places and inflictions and then there was a dreadful feeling of nausea and I felt my skin prickling and one of the voices suddenly said quite clearly "Shhh, she's listening!"
The ghosts were silent. A close silence enveloped me and all was quiet except for the distant traffic and still more people out there in the night.
The rolling waves of pain hit me again and I struggled to move my head because it seemed infinitely easier than rolling my eyes. Eleven twenty four and perhaps nothing had changed.
I went and took more pills and I took more than the recommended dose and felt for all the world that there were probably dead people feeling better than I was. That is a shocking statement to make without a doubt but polite table talk, social etiquette and decorum quickly disappear from behind such a wall of painful and physical onslaught.
Is there no respite?
Twelve thirty seven and I had dispensed with my pillows. They'd been cast aside and lay who knows where in the darkness in favor of a rolled a hand towel that supported my neck.
I seem to remember seeing the clock show three thirty before a ninja assassin sneaked up on me and hit me across the back of the neck. I remember a moment of intense pressure and then mercifully the world went black and it was without time or feeling.
Bells, bells, bells hurting my ears as my hand slapped the top of my alarm clock. The bell called again moment later and I reached for the telephone.
I only heard dial tone and the bell went again followed by a knock.
It was the door. I slowly got out of bed and put my robe about me each movement a personal evaluation of any seemingly left over damage from the migraine of the previous night.
The bell...
"I'm coming." I called out although not too loudly.
"You look terrible are you alright?" Rina asked as I opened the door.
"I had a migraine last night" I explained.
"I'm sorry I disturbed you but this parcel arrived for you and it's marked urgent."
She brought the parcel in since I made no move to take it from her.
"I'm sorry I really need to sleep more." I said apologetically and remaining by the open door.
"I understand," she said, putting the parcel on top of the shoe rack, "I've had huge headaches before. Can I get you anything?"
"No thank you" I said shaking my head and suddenly thinking that was a bad idea.
She left almost on tiptoe. The clock said eight forty-five and the parcel said nothing at all. I left them both and crawled back into bed. I still felt extremely tired but at least the pains had subsided and sleep returned almost at once. The ninja stayed away to allow the sandman to do his job.
I awoke around eleven forty and yawned my way to the kitchen for coffee.
It was dark outside. Heavy gray skies as if we were beneath the shadow of Gulliver's 'Laputa'
As I sat and drank my coffee the sky unburdened herself and the rain fell in torrents!
If only I could unburden myself so easily I mused.
I did feel remarkably better after the coffee and some sleep that I must have had during my fourteen hours in the bedroom. A little soft music as I lay in the bath restored the feeling of life back into to my small frame.
Once more I can face the pile of work on my desk.
Texts, phone messages, voice-mails, emails and even a parcel marked urgent can all wait until I've had at least two more cups of coffee.
Hi I'm back again and I guess it's your personal point of view whether I've been away too long and have not posted often enough or you may think "Oh my God, no! She's back!"
I would sincerely hope that none of you think the latter because it would be much simpler to stay away if you did (laughs), almost as much as I seem to do.
Work has keep me extremely busy and when I do get home it's so much easier to just relax over mails and messages and what ever else I need to do and then I try to keep it simple by just chatting with net friends from around the world over my hot cocoa rather than post a blog. Obviously when the weekends arrive and I have much more free time, I do try to fit a post in while I'm busy in my home.
Please forgive me the long wait between posts.
The office has finally hired one new girl and so the seemingly constant and heavy work-loads that we have endured since we lost two more members of staff have started to ease a little and whereas I do like to be kept busy at work, I don't like that awful feeling of always being slightly behind schedules and forever chasing the seconds, which I think most of the staff have been feeling lately. Now we have a moment to breathe again and a moment for a nice hot steaming cup of liquid refreshment and a moment to recharge our creative flair.
Hey how do you all like my new blog header?
Anyone familiar with my old blog site of 'Jazz Journals' will probably have suspected that sooner or later I would start to put up a little personal redecoration here. This image of course may change over time as it did evolve slowly across my other site from one image to the next.
Do you remember them?
Here is a reminder of the evolution of my 'Jazz Journals headers.
This week I have had some interesting chats with various people about various topics from the inane to the insane, from the luscious to the ludicrous and from the stimulating to the stagnating.
Throughout all of these conversations do I worry what people think of me?
Should I?
Of course I would like people to think well of me and it is really important that those close to me think well of me too, so I think my answer would be a resounding "yes" across most situations. I really don't like upsetting people and I do try, as far as my patience and tolerance allows me, to be understanding. I do have a caring nature and often I may change my plans and schedules to make allowances for the feelings and needs of others but I won't ever change my own personal values or ethics to accommodate the wishes and desires of others. Rarely an individual may, in my consideration, be unworthy of any of my time or efforts and I will just merely dismiss them and as harsh as that may sound, I believe you too can also imagine a situation where you would do exactly the same thing.
I think that I can be stubborn and hard despite my small size and some may interpret that as horrible, especially where I am not prepared to yield to an idea or reason because it goes against my belief or needs or I have a counter-reason. A child who I refuse candy to could also interpret that as me being horrible but I may have my reasons even if that child cannot always understand them. Very often what we what we want is not what we need and what we need is not always what we have!
Do then my or our reputations crawl home with their tails between their legs?
Reputations are strange things and any eyes upon mine may see quite different shades and shapes. They can be undeservedly lost or equally they can be unjustifiably acquired and in either condition this tells us very little about the actual owner of such a reputation and more about the credulity or the vindictiveness of those who bestow them. History is like a magnifying lens in this aspect where it can enhance or exacerbate the reputation of those historical figures. Great generals become braver and more cunning and evil criminals become more ruthless and despicable and perhaps beautiful women were more beautiful than their contemporary counterparts of today. The present where our reputations exist today seem quite small and insignificant by comparison. It is perhaps a measure of personal judgment and perhaps unfairly it make take you a lot of work and many many good deeds to make yourself a good one and yet just one bad deed to lose it.
So in regard to how others think of us, our reputations, I would of course like to be thought of as a good friend, a helpful and kind person, funny, witty and hopefully one person will say I was the best lover of all.
Don't you want that?
The choice of how you are thought of by others is yours in the way you live your life. But no matter what you do, you will always have critics and people with envy or other issues and those thoughts in their minds are the filters through how they see you and your life.
I'll say "hello" to Ivo, a fairly new reader of several months, who made a post on his own blog regarding my April first blog.
Once he'd asked to see the real albums I asked him to let me know what he thought with a little constructive criticism perhaps. I had expected him to add a comment here and not create a whole post on his own site about it.
Thanks Ivo.
Hopefully you will all forget what I do each April first and I'll get some of you next year with a new trick.
We organized a little end-of year - party at the office where we can relax together and enjoy our time together without attention to work. I always find it fascinating to see how some people that I think I know fairly well change slightly when they are free from their desks and computers. A little music, loud conversation away from work related topics, a couple of beers and some food and the Jekyll becomes the Hyde (laughs). I don't mean in a horrendous or bad way but the freedom to express ourselves in a relaxed environment does effect a certain change. We laughed when a certain girl and a certain boy, who take a lot of effort to avoid each other at work, disappeared into the back room together. I must recommend them a book I read on how to avoid the closet... Oh wait, that was a gay book! (Laughs more) Secret and clandestine encounters sharing words that don't say what they mean... don't mean what they say! Personal relationships at work are frowned upon and yet most of the girls that I have known in this business and started families have resigned to marry the older men who still work here. I suppose this is universal and happens everywhere. I don't think I'm in any danger of getting married (unless the law here changes) and so perhaps one day (and I can at least hope for it) I will be here when my hair is white!
My sweetheart has gone off to enjoy her day at her agency party. They organized a day out at the amusement park followed by dinner at a hotel. I told her to dress warmly but she went out like it was a nice sunny autumn day rather than a chilled winter day with a touch of frost on the extremities. My friend Yoshi came along and not, surprisingly as my guest, but as the guest of our promotions manager. I don't know if things have been spoken of about me signing with Yoshi's agency but I got a couple of winks from him as Yoshi chatted with him. 'Hello, gossip magazine, can you send me your special trail offer of that wonderful paranoia perfume please, thank you so much!' Either that or maybe he wanted to chase me into the back office? Even Hana, our assistant editor, let her hair down and for the first time ever I saw her dance. It came as a shock to see her dance to the song of the same name, she can really move!
Have you guys had your office / Christmas parties?
Friday afternoon had me entering my office again for perhaps the last time. The security man and the girl at the reception desk both waved to me in recognition and I waved back. Then the quiet and familiar elevator took me to the third floor. I don't know what I had expected for a usually bustling Friday afternoon but most of the desks were unoccupied and only three girls were in the office. They came to inquire after my health as I sat on my chair again feeling the territorial familiarity of my chair and my desk with its inanimate intimacy. The computer was off and my desk top lay empty except for my 'hello kitty' pencil holder and my photo frame. My draw still held a few personal possessions and mementos. I was half-way through packing when Hana, the assistant senior editor came into the office and greeted me and invited me to the staff canteen for coffee.
We sat and drank and talked about a lack of a decent social life and feeding ducks in the park. She told me about her pet hamster named Mariko and finally her topic became my recent health problems. I smiled and told her that this new treatment seems to be the miracle we had hoped for. She asked what I would do now and I told her that I have a couple of options that seem promising and then she asked the hypothetical question that if I knew then what I know now would I have resigned from this position?
I candidly admitted that I did not know then what I know now and that my decision then was based on not being a burden to anyone and of my belief that I would not be able to perform my duties to the best of my ability while undergoing various treatments for my illness. There were other more personal reasons as well as these but I made no mention of them because I'd much rather she heard my more altruistic reasons.
She informed me with a deliberate sad face that my leaving creates a vacancy in the office and would I like to apply for the position?
I looked at her quizzically and I asked quite frankly if she were offering me my old job back after my resignation?
What resignation she asked?
"Now I'm quite busy and have to go so have you anything to say to me?" she asked standing, her coffee unfinished.
I just stood and expressed my deepest thanks and sincere gratitude.
"Then I'll see you on Monday morning." she said with a smile and turned and left me with perhaps a small tear in my eye and a wonderment that sometimes the wheels of fate do seem to turn in a most fortunate way.
I went back to the office and told the girls my news and they were as happy as I. I still said goodbye to my desk and chair next to the window. A coveted place and one that I particularly enjoyed but I'd promised that place to my partner Riko. I continued to fill my box with my possessions and I took it to the front corner desk behind the door. Monday morning she will sit next to the window as she had anticipated and I will take her spot.
Death is a taboo subject in many places and it is certainly avoided in my culture but I have recently contemplated it and tried to understand its most basic essence. Poetically and with a sense of relief I can say that I felt the cold hand of Shinigami reaching out for me and now blindly I hear his footsteps walking away.
In a cold light and far removed from any emotional attachment, death simply is the end of bodily functions and either the slow dissipation of the bodies elements returning it back to the Earth or the quicker incineration of this now empty shell removes someone who many knew from the world of life where we remain. I am not going to dwell on the argument of 'when' death actually occurs or the final crossing of the Rubicon as it is sometimes so referred. Once mental activity stops and we are effectively brain-dead then this for me marks the end no matter that other parts of my body may continue some small activity after this event.
I think we are all aware in basic biology of the dead leaves that fall in autumn and in their cycle they become the humus upon the ground which the new growth of the following spring will feed upon. "Soylent green anyone"? So coldly we can contemplate such natural life-death cycles of life around us but when we apply it to humans then it suddenly becomes a different kettle of fish.
We view death as the final loss of everything such as our possessions and our awareness and I think most of us at one time in our lives, even if but briefly, may have fantasized about living forever, even if just for the sake of curiosity to know what will occur after our supposed demise. Of course we may idly make such a wish or immortality without realizing the consequences that an endless life would be quite intolerable. Perhaps our lives are too short and we dream that we can extend them until such interest in the world disappears and we have no more loved ones to care about. Would any values remain to hold us here?
Being dead is I imagine almost the same as being unborn, a state that has no paradise or hellish terrors but it is as an endless and a dreamless state. Perhaps then it is in the playing out of our last days that frighten some of us? The act of dying! I certainly feared it because I felt that I had so much left to accomplish and so much yet to do and it was all coming too soon. Dying is only something that we who live may do and we will experience it but once but being dead is not something we can experience. We can only experience others being dead in our sense of loss and grief.
Aurelius once said that the past has gone and the future is as yet unborn and so our death is only the loss of our present moment and is that present worth holding on to? There may be many answers of yes and no and perhaps other answers but I think he was wrong because I have more to lose than just my present moment which I do want to hold on to and each new present second that follows it. I have my memories of all that which made me and of who I am and I also have my hopes and dreams for the future for all that I could be. I want to be in the next chapter because I am not even halfway through this book yet!
Religions promise some afterlife of reward and punishment which in my mind really serves no purpose other than to control the living. Plato once mentioned that a blissful afterlife belief should be encouraged because it would make soldiers brave and unafraid of death. I think we have seen examples of that mentality in our modern world. Zealot leaders make "lesser men" believe this dream that they are promised seven-two eternal virgins in their version of the afterlife after giving up their lives in a violent manner.
To avoid this fear of death we must first accept that death is inevitable and then we simply ignore it. In counting the days until that final heartbeat we waste the last of that time remaining to us. I know that for a fact and I saved this topic for Halloween, the time when the spirit world and our world are closest together!
Live you life and fill it with experience and seek always that which makes you and those you love happy.
Monday kept its promise to be a warm day outside but inside my steel and glass enclosure it remained cool. It seemed to be an endless round of meetings of planning content and coverage. After all said and done I looked at my future schedules and my assignments and my head just went totally blank. Hello, I'm running on empty here! I got up and dared to drink something warm and black from the drinks machine and I knew at once that something was wrong because what was in my paper cup was actually palatable for once! My personal history with machines of any kind, from coffee vending machines to paper shredders has been one of conflict and disagreement. Machines and I seem to have an estrangement that sometimes crosses the line of discord and becomes a relationship of mutual hostility! I drank and looked at my still blank monitor screen. Writers should not have to suffer the indignity of 'writer's block' although it seems quite logical from where the phrase of "writer's block" originated! I am one and I suffered. What if I was a pilot bringing in an A380 airbus to land and I suddenly suffered from pilot's block? Let's put the plane in a holding pattern, endlessly circling the airport until I can figure out our best approach. Did we bring in extra fuel and another in-flight movie? I sat back down and glanced over the papers strewn about my desk and still my head was as empty as an election promise. I say 'strewn' as if it was some war zone disorganized clutter but I knew where everything was so for me it was organized! Gone were the imagery and creative designs that usually flood my imagination with ideas that beg to be crafted into reality and make some blank page an artistic masterpiece. 'En masse' they had decided to go on vacation and leave me all alone with that terrible and frightening blank page! What will happen on the day that I don't have anything to blog about? Who cares?
Midday slowly dragged itself past the lethargic morning hours and offered me a brief respite from the disappointing content of the morning meetings by allowing my escape to go in search of food. I had a noodles and salad lunch with Riko and we discussed the now open and blatantly obvious power of advertisers, who it seems are holding onto the reins of direction with a stronger grasp than some of the senior editors. I feel downhearted and perhaps I feel worse because I may see my own directional input become somewhat lessened when I see, or at least I think I see, that those who write the editorial content are slowly, deliberately and dare I say manipulatory 'guidance' by those who pay the big money. I'm used to my work passing between editors like a ball at volleyball practice match and after all of the alterations my name still gets tagged onto it. I don't believe that I would feel comfortable if the advertisers themselves were steering the re-writes and the focus and direction with my name being tagged onto the end of that to make it look like I am personally endorsing their product! Even though I only have two months left here I still feel such a loyalty to the original concept and I do feel that this influence is pretty invasive. I'll drown my woes in vodka and sorrow at a great loss indeed when it seems to me that the dedicated ad-space becomes smaller and to maintain revenues the content itself becomes advertiser driven.
Riko and I are paired up for the next two weeks which will be nice because I do like her style.
Important!
As from September 12 - I will be making my blog private. I think this move will give it a more communal and select feel. I don't know if this will be a permanent move or not. If you wish to continue reading my blog after this date then please go to my profile before that date, click the email link and send me an e-mail stating your wish. You will need to give me your Google mail account to enable me to grant you access. If you do not do so by that date then you will no longer have access or perhaps the means to communicate with me. If you don't have a Google account then making a new google account is easy! Private Blogger blogs will require you to have one to log in. Thanks.
This week was another one of those 'milestones' that I have looked forward to with both happy and worried eyes. Happy in that returning to work is another piece of evidence that my 'ordeal' is over and some semblance normalcy returns. Worried in that I was hoping for such stamina and concentration to fit into my role once again and not have my health let me down. Officially I am still in a recovering stage but I believe that I am ready to work once more. I had thought about negotiating a reduced contract to ease not only me and my health concerns but also to reduce any possible burden that I could become to the company. I return to everyone's happiness even though some came to see me last week, arriving at my desk to find it file and paper free was a little strange, not that I'm an untidy person or lack in my clerical duties, but there is usually a small pile of folders and papers in my trays.
I had my hair brushed back so everyone could see that my head is back on normally and hardly any notice from the keyhole. A slight bump and sore if pressed but the skin is healed over and all that remains looks like a spot. The bone underneath is still knitting and I am due for a full examination at the end of the month. Last week my Doctor checked that I had no after effects like dizzy spells or shakes. That I had no memory problems or slurring in my speech and that my bodily co-ordination was OK. This week wasn't so bad at all really and I believe in myself and my strength once more. The frightened little girl has been lost behind walls of positive determination.
The week wasn't too bad with meetings and memo's to read to bring me up to date and the start of filling in my desk calendar with appointments. It looks strange to see several weeks of those pages blank. I was lucky to be asked to attend the organizing of a show over in Osaka, seemingly my destined place to be since I feel that I know this city as well as I know home. There was concern in the chief's eyes as she asked if I wanted the assignment but I agreed readily with enthusiasm. I want everything to be back to normal. I want to immerse myself with work. I want to say, "Hey! I'm back, don't miss me, just let me catch up", but of course this is perhaps me being foolhardy and wanting to make up for lost time to prove myself to the company once more.
The worlds heath organization (W.H.O.) now says this A(H1N1) virus (swine flu) is now officially a pandemic. Here in Japan most cases are in Osaka, a few here in Tokyo and isolated cases in a view few other locations. At lunch on Wednesday, my friend Yoshi heard that I was doing a venue in Osaka and kindly brought me my face mask (Laughs)
The trip to Osaka was pleasant and I expected everything to run like clockwork (are there still clockwork things?). I arrived in time for the meteorology department to announce the start of the summer rain season and as I left the train station I got wet before I can get inside the taxi. Thankfully the hotel doorman had an umbrella to cover me as I left the taxi. It rained the whole two days I was there and the city streets were awash (pun intended) with colorful umbrellas! The sports arena where the international kyokushinkai karate championships will be held at the end of the month was one of the settings for the open style show. The others were the Dojima hotel and the danceteria, a night club.
It's nice to sit in the sound booth watching everyone prepare. Jazz takes it easy you know! Seriously I didn't have to do a great deal. I coordinated with others to make appointment time for our photojournalist and the models, interview some of the new faces offering interesting and outstanding designs this season and just write up an article on the opening night catwalk. Pretty easy and routine stuff!
I arrived home late on Friday night or to be precise, very early Saturday morning. Thank you so much for the comments on my last blog, they were all very enlightening and I'm so very glad that some of you have ideas on this. This one has no controversy so there no need to say anything. (Laughs) After Hitomi's dance class, she and I went to have eye lash extensions. Link to Youtube eyelash extension information:
It was lovely to lie back and be pampered. The result is quite appealing and I like it very much.
It may look awful but it's really gentle (see her smile?) and so easy. They are not outstandingly obvious like fake lashes but subtle and as you can see on the image below, it just makes my lashes seem thick with mascara but the truth is I have no eye make-up on at all! She's not allowed to open her eyes until ten minutes after the process is complete. More than enough time to poke her in the ribs and laugh!
Everything is crazy and I alone am the only sane point on this crazy world. OK we all know it's really the reverse and I'm the crazy one in a logical and ordered world. (cynical laugh) It's been a test of my resolve this week. Not only did all my appointments get changed, not only did I take the new girl under my wing and prepare her for assessment but during the week more red lines were being scrawled through appointments and more additions to replace them. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I'm the one being tested, how I cope with sudden change and adapt and test my organizational and management skills. You remember how I said I had Saturday free to attend my friend's wedding? Well I still have it free in the morning but I have to dash off after the weddings garden party to an early evening Bohemian event and honestly, if I see another bland hand painted floral print collection presented as an artistic flavored cutting edge inspiration to be smeared across Harajuku's underground graffiti wall, I am going to scream!
Luckily I can fit both into my day because had the show been any earlier, I would have been as good as my word and had Chinami cover it, but not alone, I would have got some cover, I'm not totally sadistic and heartless you know! I invited my protegee for an after work debrief to get some feedback from her in an informal and relaxed atmosphere and we see where she feels she is and any aspects she wants to cover. I want her to take the lead next week but I want her to know that I'll be there in case she falters or any of her steps become uncertain. Then in true Jazzy fashion, I showed her how to relax with something nice in a large glass! I have another busy week next week dear friends and I hope tomorrows wedding day for my friend will be a very happy day. Happy wishes to everyone. Goodnight and travel well!
It is a great relief to have someone bring the ladders and climb up there to the ceiling and remove that ugly sword that was hanging above us on such a thin hair like thread. It is my belief that the uncertainty of the future did affect everyone here even if we all tried to hide it. A directive issued from the top floor states that the current restructure is complete and there will be no stage two unless very drastic changes affect the national economy. So it is all eyes on the news to see what comes next. The current restructure is now being monitored to ensure that the predicted 'streamlining' does not come with little lines on the company graph that suddenly decide to wander outside of the desired envelope. Life goes on and we all can breathe with a little more ease.
To celebrate, Hana, our new assistant fashion editor and I went out to the Hassan restaurant in Roppongi and opened our purse strings and enjoyed wagyu beef. The sense of relief is fantastic. Perhaps because she is new I found that she is a lot more open than the other editorial staff that I have had the pleasure to know in social situations.We had an amazing conversation and I'm sure we are going to be happy working together in the future.
There are some moments when I consider the future but it is always an inadequate view because I try to look at it with the information I have available today and not with the information I will have by the time I reach there. My friend Kuri has decided to join my gym so I'll take her tomorrow and help her with her membership and that just had me thinking about a few things. There is a strange balance of things as my imagination plays with lots of possibilities. Of course none of them are anywhere near what will be but it's nice to play in the meadows of my mind. You'll have to take off your shoes and come and run in the long grass sometime.
Sometimes I feel as if I am an automaton with the way my life passes in routine format and another busy week evaporates with the sun being a stranger but I earned the right to get away early on Friday which is as a warm smile over and above the sense of achievement from a wonderfully productive time at work. I have heard of a questioning phrase which asks, "Live to work or work to live" and I don't quite understand it. Apparently it alludes to the extremes of how we work and stresses the first point of work as being almost your sole reason to live and then jumps across the range to its opposite of just going in and just completing your assigned task and then start looking forward to a time you can leave. How would it be then if it was your own business? Would you increase your efforts and improve your dedication and you create a more positive attitude and would such positive results bring you reward and joy as you saw your business become a success? Does working for someone else then excuse you to make less of a contribution? I love to give my best at work and I give that extra effort and that's just the way I am. I believe it's the way we all are in the office. I believe that this will not only benefit the company as a whole but will also benefit me in terms of being well thought of as a loyal employee and when we begin our imminent restructure I won't be lost in the background. Perhaps this had been in the planning stage for quite a while but the present condition of the global markets has accelerated the introduction. At the end of the restructure we should be more streamlined, more efficient and more profitable. When viewed analogously as the artist creating a carved sculpture from a piece of wood, I would like to be a part of the final masterpiece and not a shaving cast off upon the floor to be swept away later. Why change something if it works? A lazy thought offered by those who fear change. Change is imminent and we all undergo it all of the time and in all aspects of our lives, even aging changes us. But change does not have to mean dismantling what is there if it works. As an example, the engine in our cars works on the same principle has it has been for many years but today's engines are vastly superior in design, performance and efficiency than those of yesteryear. We are creatures of habit but we overlook how much we are also creatures of adaptability. It could all change and in just a single heartbeat!
Hitomi was a little upset before we sat down to dinner and when I asked her why she remarked that whenever 'we' decide to do something it's always done 'my way' and I listened to her and I began to feel really awful too. I think that we naturally fell into the roles of one of us taking the lead but I admitted that I hadn't realized that this had included dominance over our decision making. I apologized at once and while wondering how long this has been in her mind, I also wondered how long I feel it had been this, always or recently? When we are physical she takes the lead and that is how both of us like it but now she says she wants to feel the equality in other areas of our relationship and also our decision making. I at once hugged her and told her that I loved her. Is that reassurance for the both of us? It's great she tells me her heart because she so easily sees into mine and I said to her, "You take the lead tonight, where shall we go?" She looked in my eyes and smiled and said "I don't know Momo, where would you like to go?" That made us both laugh but she decided on Advocates which is a popular bar on the corner just two blocks before our usual dive, the Mars. When we arrived the place was packed full and spilling its exuberance into the street and it's just too cold on the outside of the huddled penguin pack and too much more effort to fight your way to the bar past all of the distractions and stray hands. We backtracked a little and tried the tamago which is an exquisite girls only bar. This was our first time in there and quite a warm and serene atmosphere it was too. It's nice to check out new places and of course we had what we expected in that everyone gave us the eye as we made our way to the bar and they checked us out. The bar hostess was a very masculine looking girl but very appealing and friendly and after a little chat with her, Hitomi whispered into my ear that when we spoke of her we would refer to her as 'gentle-butch' ha-ha. It did not feel like the place where you can just let go and be the party animal like we do in the Mars bar but this place had a much more refined and subdued aura about it with a dressing of elegance of the corporate kind rather than the cocktail dresses and silver dinner service. We sank rather than relaxed into the soft comfortable chairs and sipped from our long tall glasses. I don't know what it is that I felt and I know I complain that sometimes the girls at the Mars go too far sometimes but here I definitely felt as if the girls looking at us had repressed frustrations and wanted us to join their assertion classes. Oohh dominatrix! Tie me up and whip me where it won't show! We stayed for two drinks only and then decided that this wasn't quite us in tonight's mood or clothes and headed out into the cold night holding each others warm hands. We ended up in the Mars after all and felt much better as we were greeted with the warm smiles from familiar faces and here we know that we could really relax and that my dear friends, is the purpose of a nice night out!
It's good that you occasionally see yourself though someone else's eyes. It can be as shocking as hearing your own voice recorded for the first time and you ask incredulously, I don't sound like that do I? Now it's I don't look like that in your eyes do I? Every mirror I have seems to be one taken from the amusement park and distorts me in so many different and unusual ways!
I'm not straight and neither are my mirrors. How ironic! But having seen the image from the other side gives me something constructive to work on. Life is like dancing through mazes and we are led through it by many different ways. If she allows me the lead at the start do I lead on to the end? Of course not and I would go anywhere that she would lead me too! Taking the lead is not a bad thing for either of us in whichever situation that we feel comfortable in doing so as long as that lead is not an overpowering dominance and stifles the other.
After a visit to a new bar I ask, who likes my new title-bar? I said goodbye to the saxophone motif on the 5-line music paper background and made it look like a little more 'Jazzy' and aligned it artistically to how I feel. I think it represents me well!