Feeling the world falls down

I turned off the TV news.
I think after watching a steady steam of internal political disruptions and scandals and seeing more masses rise up for national reforms I can feel satisfied that nothing changes. Actually it is the change they want but we have been crying out for changes for centuries. Will we ever get it right?
Will we ever have a society that suits everyone? You can please some of the people some of the time" comes to mind. Paradise cannot really exist because everyone's idea of it is different!

I drank my coffee by the window and looked out on an impartial world.
Sometimes you can just feel something is different inside and so when the confirmation arrives, it does not come as a complete surprise.
My recent and latest scans have shown that in the area where my tumor was, there is no sign of it reappearing. That's the good news. However the healthy tissues that surrounded it have receded and left quite a substantial vacant looking area. The doctors assure me that this is nothing to worry about and they will monitor it. I can't help but wonder what was in there.
Hitomi is very supportive and just cuddles me and with such assurance I do feel better I admit.
The world both outside and inside hides horrors and disappointments and may well at a whim dash our hopes on the rocks of despair. It seems that during such times of adversity I have seen love, friendship, support and loyalty at their best. I have good people around me in my lover, family and my friends and I too must be good to be on an equal footing. If I should I fail and disappoint them then I would feel a lot worse. That is one of the ways that motivates me onwards with a smile.
We can move mountains and we can build bridges and we can tear down walls that separate us. I have felt very lucky being amongst some of the best people and so the horrors I bear witness to, I do not face alone.

One of the several and varied reasons that I resigned from my last position was because of my feelings about what was happening inside of me. Did I lose my touch or my creative flair. I really felt dried up and burnt out and I really was worried about my seemingly deteriorating health. My enthusiasm lacked and my commitment could have been more. I was nowhere near my best and I knew deep down it was time to leave. The headaches and faint feelings that I suffered were probably due more to the stress of my worrying about it all than anything more physical.
I can relax a little now.
I bathe in scented oils. I have time to do what I need to do and I relax. The world has slowed down a little more and the weight falls down from my shoulders.

For a fistful of roses

For the last couple of days I have had time on my hands and so I've really taken time to clean my home thoroughly. The music played loudly and I sang as I worked and once completed, I sat back with a nice cup of tea and felt quite satisfied. I was tired but glowed with that 'feel-good' feeling radiating from within.


I have surrounded myself with roses, adding a string of roses to the bed, wearing rose motif clothes and even doing my nails but now I have changed again and have gone with a Kitty-chan nail design.


I also want to try creating a table for images in HTML and so that's the predominant reason for the mention of my nails. Now let's see how it goes!


Well that seemed easy enough!

I'm having a scan and a series of tests in the hospital tomorrow and Friday. I'll be back by Saturday.

Freaky Friday

Oh I'm beautiful and I'm damned and these are the continuing tales of Jazz.
(As stated on the book cover)

It was a fairly quiet Friday afternoon with a gentle rain streaming down the windows as I cleared my desk for the very last time. I hold images of their smiles and of their large, sad, wet eyes burned into my soul. Inside I can feel the elation that comes with certain freedoms as my metaphorical chains are broken open. I also feel a little trepidation for an uncertain future despite my plans. I have some time before I start my new position at the end of the month. I held their cards close to my breast, that carried their well chosen and heartfelt good wishes and I received a beautiful pink floral farewell from everyone.
I handed in my Pass and had five minutes with Hana, the section editor, who wished me well before my final goodbye. I feel that I'm leaving behind a big part of me behind. Goodbye my little cozy desk behind the door. Goodbye my old coveted desk by the window. Goodbye you silly coffee machine that always burned me or poisoned me. But seriously, goodbye to an excellent company and the most wonderful colleagues I could have ever hoped to have had and sadly the end of my part within such a wonderful team. There was no replacement for me but that is the scheme of things. Mizuki and I will meet again we promised as we just held each other. Is it too early for champagne? We have coffee instead!


"FUN FINAL OFFICE MEMO"
After ___[1]___, I have decided to leave the company in order to ___[2]___. While this was not an easy decision for me, ___[3]___. I have ___[4]___ my time here and will ___[5]___. This company has been ___[6]___ and I will always ___[7]___. I look forward to ___[8]___ and wish you all ___[9]___. Until ___[10]___, I bid you all adieu.

[1]

a. careful consideration
b. the flip of a well worn ancient coin which gives me doubts as to which is the flip side
c. searching for a way out of this madness
d. getting drunk on Russian Vodka
e. recovering from my bout of amnesia and remembering that I don't know the first thing about journalism

[2]

a. accept another position
b. pursue an modeling career – see me on the cover of the seediest magazines way up there on the top shelf
c. abandon this alter-ego and devote all my time to my super girl duties
d. live off the generosity of others (Daddy, clients and whoever fills my begging bowl)
e. be able to sleep at night

[3]

a. I feel it is the right one
b. the fortune teller assures me that she is never wrong
c. it wasn’t exactly rocket science either
d. it was easier than hanging around until somebody realized I wasn’t doing anything
e. stock options are hard to resist

[4]

a. thoroughly enjoyed
b. cautiously endured
c. already forgotten most of
d. surfed the internet a lot during
e. miraculously survived

[5]

a. miss all of you I have come to know
b. never look back
c. remember the little people I crawled over on my way to the top
d. miss the freebies
e. eagerly await the tears of sorrow when you hear I am leaving

[6]

a. a great place to learn & practice my skills from some of the best
b. very punctual with my pay checks
c. a benevolent master to this obedient slave
d. by far the best company I’ve ever worked for
e. the source of my stress and ill health

[7]

a. value my experience here
b. be thankful that my work wasn't torn up
c. keep garlic and a crucifix nearby
d. think back fondly when sunbathing on a tropical beach
e. believe the children are our future

[8]

a. working with many of you in the future
b. getting out of here alive
c. retirement
d. the next series of the L-word
e. being the client (giggles)

[9]

a. the best of luck in your future endeavors
b. had for me a going away gift
c. would kiss me byebye
d. were coming with me
e. could appreciate how funny this memo is

[10]

a. our paths cross again
b. I get fired and come begging for my job back
c. hell freezes over
d. the next firm-sponsored event with an open bar
e. I present my own fashion show

I have a moment to breath before the next chapter in my life begins. Next week I have a few more health checks and a day out with the agency.

Love and hugs you guys.

Fashionably late

It was hardly perceptible. It was just a hint of what lay out there in the darkness. I could not turn my head without causing sever discomfort and I'd been awake quite a while with my eyes staring at the reflections in the black window. Slowly I became aware of the hint of some semblance of shadow and silhouette out there in the darkness as the first hint of a dawn made its presence felt in the eastern sky. The buildings outside took form and shape and the now recognizable contours manifested themselves into the familiar corners of my little world.
Why do I do this to myself?
The party at the Mars on Saturday night was fantastic and as the evening wore on, the lights went down and the drinks flowed freely and the sensual bodies moved with such fluidity and grace and they swayed mainly to the music but also to the rhythm of unchained souls and unbound carefree abandon. Living for the moment we were and to hell with tomorrow's judgments and consequences.

But come the morrow and I wake with regretful suffering.
I had to get up and use the bathroom and the effort of it all bearing the pain of over indulged toxins made each move a nightmare. I just wanted and needed the bliss of oblivion. I sat with my head slowly spinning and desperately seeking a position of comfort and then, just when I think it can't get any worse, the telephone starts to call. It's almost half past unreasonable and certainly its already thirty minutes past uncaring and I wondered why its shrill tones seem to have become louder and re-tuned itself to a resonant frequency of the human soul that sent such violent shivers throughout my being. I reached for my cotton wool pads, tore off some small pieces and stuffed some of it into my ears. The telephone finally seemed to call out at a reasonable volume and tone but still I ignored it.


Miss Laid (who's new nickname amongst her close friends is now 'Ume' (plum) for reasons undisclosed), called out my name as if by my not being in cuddle distance or jabbing range meant that I was close to the phone. She growled incomprehensible words at me but continued to sleep. I stand corrected regarding something I once said. I once told you that nothing seemed to wake her and she'd probably sleep through the next big one (Tokyo's long awaited next major earthquake). I guess I was wrong on that one.
I washed my hands and struggled back to bed and got into it very slowly and gingerly.
'Never again' I think to myself. At least not until the next time!
Finally I felt eased enough for sleep to once more overtake me and I slowly sank into the welcoming arms of Morpheus.
I awoke a few hours later to a soft and gentle creamy lipped kiss and the smell of hot coffee and warm croissants. Breakfast in bed was delicious. There was no jumping around or excited talk or nightdresses and pillow-fights because I think we were both still too sensitive for all of that absurdity but the slow and relaxed enjoyment of a lazy Sunday morning was heaven and certainly a welcome respite from the heavy pressures of my lethargic night.
And if anyone is the slightest bit curious.... then yes, I do dip my croissants into my latte!

This is my last week at the office and looking at my schedules and appointments it seems a relatively mild week but I could still do with a vacation.