Days of Hope

When you look to the past for life's long hidden meaning.
For the dreams and the plans made in your youth.
Does the thrill to achieve match the warm hidden feeling
that lies so still and lives in you?

In the eyes of a child there is joy, there is laughter.
There is hope, there is trust, a chance to shape the future.
For the lessons of life there is no better teacher.
Than the look in the eyes of a child.


I'm about to go hair school right now but I had to drop by and say something, even this small thing. Dad arrived last night with some news, some very important news and also this morning I have received a letter telling me that I must appear in the law courts next Tuesday. I can't say anything about any of this right now, I am awash with emotions. Emotions so raw I have tears. I have my dreams from the furthest places falling down all around me right now and tantalizingly so they are almost within reaching distance. I feel the swirl of butterflies in their thousands within me all hoping for a spring day. I feel rainbows arc over sunny skies helping to uncover pots of gold. The riches of something so precious I can almost grasp.
Yes I'm having a beer as I write this to calm my raw nerves and I need it, I really do no matter Dad's frown and really, if this is to be it, the moment that I have dreamed of all these years then.....
It's going to be the fall of an empire and really the end of an era. I'm desperate for my brave new world.
Just please everyone pray your very best wishes for me, pray with your most determined efforts that justice will prevail and hopefully I will be in a position to explain very soon.

Here's hoping

Hope is a wonderful thing and yet in a way it has its own misleading deceit. When the future looks empty and bleak we can temporarily hide that gloom with our hope for better things which may in our minds eye shine a lovely ray of hope on such a gloomy picture. In a way then hope can make something that is ugly appear temporarily beautiful. If we consider it in this way then we could extend that thought into believing that hope is nothing more than an illusion. Nietzsche, one of my favorite philosophers, once said that "Hope is the worst of evils because it prolongs our torment!" Imagine that if a million people will hope for something good how many of those hopes are ever answered? If I hope for a nice sunny day tomorrow it is not too much to hope for and my hope may be granted quite easily. If I hope to win the state lottery then out of one hundred million other hopefuls that also share this hope, one of two may just be lucky! If I am poor and live in a poor country then I can hope for a better life in another nation. If my first attempt meets in failure then I can hope my next attempt will meet with greater success. This demonstrates the renewable illusion that old hopes may die but can be instantly replaced by new ones.

It seems we are forever hopeful and that our day-dreams are filled with delicious dreams no matter what kind of life reality has given us. But no matter how unrealistic our hopes are they do fuel our ambitions and drive us forever forward. We instinctively know we all the positively within us that it is better to hope than to despair.

Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world and no country is immune from the sad and ever increasing suicide rate and when we try to ascertain the reason why some people, especially young people feel compelled to commit suicide when to the outside world it appears that they had everything to live for. Perhaps there are many reasons why they do such as depression and other mood disorders and it also appears that in at least one area of their lives they saw no solution, no way out from their predicament and they simply lost hope and with that gone the will to carry on.

I can admit that there have been occasions lasting for long cold lonely hours when I too have felt the loss of hope and everything worthwhile. It is indeed a dreadful feeling and a grim and awful place to be in and the seemingly obvious solution to end this situation is to end life itself. This is so wrong to the rational mind and yet so easy this dire solution comes to those gripped in the depths of despair where rational thoughts have long deserted them.
With my new treatment I have been given hope and all the results are extremely positive and show that I actually have a future now. My hope although sometimes lost is back with me again and the pleasure is sharing with most others the ignorance of our last heartbeat. With this in mind and looking back over recent months then it makes some of the decisions and choices that I've made seem rather bad yet having the vantage point of living in both the gloom and the sunlight I can at least understand what drove me into making those choices and what has driven others to make worse choices that I have made.
"Shall I commit suicide" was a philosophical question once posed by Albert Camus who went on to say in a much better way than I say it, that if the answer is "no" then there are things still to hope for. Is it so strange then that if we consider that when things are bad we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse and when they are we find hope in the thought that when things are so bad they can only get better.
It appears that where there is life there is hope!

Hitomi and I went to visit Masato's photographic studios to have some Halloween photos made that we will make into cards that we share with our friends at our Halloween party on Saturday at the Mars. Here you can see one of each of us and the header is of us both riding broomsticks. I need a familiar!

"Heh heh heh, double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble."

 

Happy Halloween everyone.

Dum spiro, spero

While I breathe, I hope

Who made up all the rules?

My letter has sat untouched for a week and has had no alterations done to it at all. This proves to me that my first efforts of composition were the best and it came into being from my fingers in a true, pure and simple form. On Monday it will be delivered and as with most decisions in life, the future course of rivers will be changed. Drought and floods will change locations and my life map will witness a new topography come into being.




Jem - "They"

Have you ever watched those post nuclear war movies? Of course there is no nuclear winter or acid rains or life struggling to hang on. It's always an image of cool people in sexy leather clothes, driving in turbo charged wrecks of cars and trying to avoid the roaming bands of brigands. Totally unreal just for the sake of a story and we all love stories. These movies do portray one apparent accuracy though - the removal of rules and regulations and how we live outside of them. The world in the story and I suppose by a small stretch of the imagination, this world we live in now has individuals fighting over limited resources. As a citizen of my country I am protected by the state as long as I abide by its laws and regulations but in these post apocalyptic worlds there is no state and there are no laws. There is no one to impose such laws and so these small groups live by their own code. There is no property and anyone can take what they wish as long as they are able to hold on to it. Morality and justice are gone and the strongest and the cleverest survive. No one has to keep their word and if you don't take what you can when you can then someone else will come and take it. These are not the worlds of the polite and the generous. This is a world of competition for basic survival and self preservation. It makes sense to launch a pre-emptive strike against anyone you think is a threat to you and what you have. The 'state of war' exists even if there is no actual conflict because there is always the threat of it. In our imagined and very possible anarchy everyone has the right to self preservation by any means possible and I believe there can be little progress from such a state.
In our imagined and very possible anarchy everyone has the right to self preservation by any means and I feel this is the true nature but what do we do? We give up such total freedom in return for protection and security and peace. The state is born and we make our social contracts to live within its framework unless we are of the criminal class. Social insects like ants and bees also live in communities with each having his place and it is the way with each successive generation. Human beings however have the disadvantage of that over-sized brain again and we can reason. This reasoning allows us to find fault with the way we are governed and of course the way some people write their blogs. We are in competition for honor and dignity and that leads to envy, hatred and war. We see it in the 'hot-zones' of the Arab states in the news now. Ants and bees don't have reason and so live peacefully until threatened by outsiders and we make our own labels and tag our groups to define "us" as being part of this group and "them" being part of the outsiders.

Sitting at home with several constructive things that I could have been doing just left waiting, I remained idle in front of my computer and decided to once again tread the halls of insanity otherwise known as Yahoo chat. As un-moderated as it is you see the exact same behavior that I have just described in my blog reflected there. Although some individuals choose to be their nice, polite, social selves who want peace and simple and honest conversations with an exchange of ideas, ninety five percent of users realize that they are anonymous and can be their true anarchical selves. They can shout and scream their abuse to their perceived indignations and cast words to make a young girl blush at anyone to which they can point a finger of blame. Others who have established themselves in little groups may 'mob' and attack those they declare as different from the 'us' and yet others advertise themselves as desirable males hoping to attract a chat mate? They declare themselves as being rich or the constant male favorite of having genitalia longer than their pet camel’s. Even the sex act for some of these desperado's becomes camera to camera and mutual relief expressed across cyber connections.


My point of this little blog is that I am normally quite happy living in a framework of rules and laws until my path is suddenly blocked and I don't seem to have any alternate avenue. Then I start to wonder who made this rule and is there a way a single voice can change it? Then I walk on a path to reach that destination that is not a legally recognized one if my reaching the destination is important enough to me.
The North wind blows cold.

Even worse, I've developed a small rash that breaks out everywhere - even on my face. I wonder if I'm allergic to something?

Maybe it's blogging!

Lost

Madame Butterfly came home this evening from her three day venue and we went out to the Lex to chat and drink with our friends. It's a strange sensation that I feel but inside I kept thinking that these evenings with these people that we love so much are now numbered. That feeling has a weight and an extra heaviness about it. She does not seem to feel it. The butterfly just flutters by! At her core she is more loving and happier I think because of my agreement with her idea but still she seems thankfully free of burden. I hope that is not a reflection of indifference but I hope it is more of a pride that she now knows how I will make that sacrifice for her. I admit that I do feel lost and I tread upon such unfamiliar ground with such trepidation about me with my eyes peering everywhere at once. Let it be a brave new world and please don't let my courage fail me now!

It's a very difficult position that I find myself in with very different and conflicting thoughts and emotions raging inside. I have decided that Hitomi needs her dream and needs me to support her in it and so a move seems now to be a definite future event. We will need to find somewhere to live and I will need some income. It is unfortunate that there is no vacancy at this time in our Osaka office and so an internal company transfer is crossed from my list.
I am a little reluctant to give up what I have because it means something to me. It is our foundation and in such economic times as these I feel rather irresponsible in giving it up. But the underlying sense of adventure that started within her has become a contagion and I just want to spread my wings and fly with her.
From where we stand to where we are going to be feels like a little of a role reversal between the two of us.
I will telephone Dad on Sunday evening and tell him of my hopes and what my initial plan is and I'll see if he has any advice for me.
I know I will get a lecture about responsibility and duty and perhaps many other things I have not yet considered because the dream probably blinds me but this is our last chance of letting the wind of life fill our sails at random and blow us along the paths of indeterminable fate. Let us hope we are not cast adrift on a dead calm sea.

Next week I travel to the Wild West!

I started a Poll last time and as I write this it has almost reached its seven day limit. I asked if you listened to the music that I posted. I had two kind readers declaring a 'yes' and four of you admitting to 'sometimes'. Thank you so much for voting. The music I post in my blog-posts is never just a random thing or chosen without reason because I heard it somewhere. I choose them because they will say something more than my words alone are saying and they will have meaning, the lyrics will be relevant to what I'm saying or feeling.
I'm sure you could all find a song now that says something about the way you feel right now. If you can think of one feel free to tell me about it in my comment box. From my own point of view it is just another tool in my word-play and how I hide things and allude to things and infer things with references both blatant and opaque and layer some of my sentences on several levels and even write in-between the lines.
This posts song is 'Dreamer' and the lyrics are pertinent.

Dreamer by Uh Huh Her
Dreamer Lyrics

Forgiving nature

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” “You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.” “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Life seems to be order and reason created in a universe that is composed of chaos. Is it perfect?
We humans with our ability to reason are not perfect although our continual trying to be deserves applause and encouragements. There are many "evils" in the world, some very great and some quite minor and all are of levels or intensities reasoned by our own judgements, perception and understanding. We are not Gods and we do not know everything and cannot know everything, we move forward often by trial and error and often making mistakes. Some of the mistakes we make can hurt ourselves and hurt others too.

Forgiveness is something that perhaps cannot come easily to some. Some reason it that we should not forgive because we are the ones hurt by some transgression and it's unfair. Are we then so perfect that we need never ask another to forgive us?
Some people mix up their ability to forgive with a need to be right or worse, a need to seek justice or compensation or worse, a desire to seek revenge and retribution. Some even prefer to stay in pools of misery in some perverse sense of "I deserve this", which means nothing more to me than some twisted idea of forgiveness somehow being confused with religious interpretations.

For me forgiveness is not about any of that, in the first step it's about love and understanding and our own need to grow spiritually towards enlightenment. Please forgive my choice of words there because I made it sound like my own religious beliefs of Buddhist values but please try to see it from the philosophical and moral point of view. I believe that you cannot give to others what you do not give to yourself. We cannot give love if we hate ourselves, we cannot give happiness if we are sad and we cannot forgive others if we don't first forgive ourselves. From what I have said here it becomes apparent that forgiveness is healing.

Some people say "forgive and forget", never did I hear a phase so often said and by so many who do not realise the emptiness of those words. Yes forgiveness can be divine in the sense that we are a better person if we find that capability within us, but forget?
No.
We don't forget, we learn by those past things and try to understand from them, but we don't keep those misdeeds on some score card and bring them up during any future argument. By doing that we show we never really forgave them. Forgiving someone means letting go and not giving it the power to eat us inside like acid. The forgiven must also realise that to be forgiven does not validate whatever they did. They too can learn, but remember that in forgiving them does not bring back what was before.

The act of forgiving someone really isn't about them at all, it's about our selves. Yes they receive a benefit from us forgiving them but we are the ones freeing our own hearts from the constant pain given to us by the offense. What in the world can we be grateful for? There are many things to be grateful for. I am grateful to my wonderful parents for so many things I cannot count, to my family and my friends and my teachers who have come in many guises, my health and so many other things besides. I am also grateful for my ability to forgive.

I hope I can always walk forward on my path in life with my head held up because I know in my heart that unforgiven things will only hold me back. I cannot change what has been done in the past by myself or by my Grandparents and I am truly sorry for any act against you by myself or by my Grandfathers. I can only say that I learn from my past as we all should, but I do not live there. The past is done no matter what we hope or say. We cannot go back to undo misdeeds. The only power we have is 'now", it is in this moment that we shape our futures.
Regrets of the past only keep us in it.
Fear of the future prevents us from living today.

We all know someone who deserves forgiveness and we all know someone whom we ourselves should ask forgiveness from. Even after years have passed it is not too late to give it or ask it.

My hope here is that if you read this then you can become more understanding, more tolerant and grow spiritually.

Never Alone!

It has been four days since I said goodbye to her on Sunday morning and if I were to count the remaining time I would have to say 67 days more! But I am not counting.

Celine Dion - Al

She like I, will concentrate on work and perhaps we will not give attention to the slowly expanding vacuum inside our hearts that screams for attention and creates the desire within like a thirst demanding to be quenched. "Alone" is just a word used to describe a feeling but it relies on you knowing the word and associating it to the same feeling you have felt, more than that the word just becomes a whisper on the breeze or a splash of ink on the canvas. It is just a word, but the feeling it relates to is a tangible thing, like a shell that would dare to envelop you and try to hold you at a distant and remote place. Sometimes the solitude is desired to enable us to write or as we bravely say, "to find ourselves". But often it plays a large presence in George Orwell's room 101, a room said to contain everyone's fears and it is represented well by the sudden and unique silence after the music ends.

For some poor souls loneliness had become like a shield and in this land where the sun begins, they have withdrawn to the darkness and seclusion of their rooms and closed their doors and the blinds on the sun. These hikikomori (social hermits) perhaps find that the only way to reach out now is chat room and social websites like 'Facebook', 'Myspace' and 'Mixi.' These have become their only contact? What loneliness is greater that that of distrust? To be shunned or declared an outcast is perhaps understandable to some point but this self imposed loneliness has perhaps become a fear that as they try to escape from others and even escape from themselves, they fear the direct presence of others just because the eyes of these strangers will reflect the pain they feel in themselves! A vision none us wants to see.

This loneliness is a disease that none of us should suffer greater than that of a momentary melancholic mood. In simplistic terms, the cure becomes self evident in that those so alone could reach out for each other. A great pity that life is never so simple and we over complicate everything with many levelled layers of reasoning, social politics and other abstractions.

The first understanding should be truth.
This is me and I know who I am. If I show you who I am then you might not like me, but if you do like me, then at least you will like me for the real me and like me for the good things you hopefully see in me and also try to forgive the bad things you may see.
I am like you in so many ways. I have hopes and dreams and ambitions and expectations. But I also have moods and faults and am a complete human with the full range of "Jekyll and the Hyde" attributes. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. If not being lonely just means stepping outside, slowly learning to trust and after a time allowing some of whom you meet to come a little closer, then we should start now no matter how daunting it seems.

I hope you have all been alone once in your lives just to know how such a tragic emptiness it is. A prolonged loneliness will whither our hearts as they find no other heart to know and our minds will close down hearing nothing but echoes of our own lonely memories. The death of inspiration and creativity. Knowing this then you could bring a smile to a lonely person and in beginning to know them you will find that you are no longer alone either.

I wish you all lives of good family, comradeship, really good friends and of course love.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Romance novels lead us to the conclusion that after the introductions, the two people who realize they are in love each other have to face the story-line hurdles and they must conquer these to lead to a land of 'happy ever after'. The movies tell us that the hero always get the girl, but it's not like that in real life, is it?
The world we live in is supposedly one of enlightenment and tolerance and for all the altruistic remarks we say aloud, deep down inside there lays dark brooding pools of ignorance, of intolerance, of incorrect preconceptions and unreasonable hatred of things we sometimes do not understand or we simply don't want to! How easily angry we can become at loved ones for simply not agreeing with us when a difference of points of view and perspective should really help us all to understand a 'bigger picture' but unfortunately the emotional friction involved often leads to questions of allegiance and sides.
It is said that when an argument arises the wise will simply quench it with silence and perhaps this is the best strategy when arguing with fools but when it's with one you love then spiteful words may hurt our feelings but silence can break our hearts.

It seems poignant at this time to think of this now because firstly, my sister loses a friend because she decided to remain neutral and not agree with her friend's hatred. In refusing to take a side then he chose it for her with an ultimatum that "if you are not with me you must be against me." Perhaps such immature obsessions can lead us to incorrect logical conclusions and a very distorted view of the important things in life, but in my opinion a friend that would offer you such a choice is no real friend at all and they would certainly have no regard for the feelings of anyone other than themselves.

Secondly after a long and troubled marriage my friend Yoshi claimed that she is free. I had often seen her with sad eyes and because I am a friend I felt that I could ask if all was well and not ask it as a casual question. She would smile and say it was, but I knew something was not well in her mind. After agreeing to meet for coffee with us she finally admitted that she was tired of an abusive husband and was now rid of him but still missed him. It was a big surprise to Hitomi and I since we thought we knew him and he had never seemed like an aggressive man at all. It is perhaps the part of a person that you don't see. The private side of a person behind closed doors and blinds that could shock us or surprise us with astounding exposes. But a greater surprise was to come.

Perhaps it was her loneliness or just her beautiful heart made me invite her for tea at my home one afternoon. Friends always support friends and say things that offer reassurances and to show allegiance, very much like the choosing of sides for my sisters ex-friend? But she and I were talking over tea and we chatted quite naturally but when I gave her some clothes for her son who is almost two years of age as a small gift it seemed to be a trigger and the tears simply fell from her eyes. I stood and held her in my arms as she told me the real truth of her husband. The confession that he had never hit her at all but had simply desired another woman and left her and her son to be with her. It had made her feel so worthless and increased the burden of parenting responsibilities
It was at this moment that Hitomi walked in and saw the two of us in an embrace.
What was on my face, guilt? Sympathy and tears for my friend?
She turned and walked out again.

What can I tell you about girls like me to help you understand?
In a world where the expected normality of boy loves girl you can see and may have witnessed or experienced the emotional intensity of losing a loved one to another. But in a world where girl loves girl the feelings are so much greater and intensified. The love is greater and unfortunately so is the jealousy and sense of loss. Perhaps you can find reasons yourself why this is so because not everyone would agree with mine.

I had to run out and hold her and look into her eyes and ask her not to leave me and to listen to me as I offered my explanation in its innocence. Perhaps the foolishness or guilt is mine. There are reasons I love this girl and one of them is because she listens to me, she understands me and of course she loves me implicitly. I am lucky to have someone so understanding and accepting of who I am.

I think it's important to be yourself always and to stand by what you think is the right way and remain true to your own beliefs. Have the courage of your own convictions. Always be honest with the one you love, even if the honesty will show a bad side of our selves because having a relationship that's built on secrets and lies is doomed to fail. Yoshi has lost something special and perhaps through no fault of her own, but she has become closer to us and putting a smile on her face puts smiles on our faces too.

Hitomi leaves on Sunday and her job once more take her away from me. The hurdles as I mentioned are not just at the start before the happy ever after. Life is full of trials and our progress through life can be measured in how we deal with each obstacle.
There is no happy ever after because it's not meant to be a continual thing. Happiness happens on many levels. The contentment of doing well, of striving to be a better person, and the happiness of finding love all come in moments that we can savour. But we all know that we cannot appreciate true happiness without its contrast of tasting pain and heartbreak.

Learn from the tears, laugh with the joy and always remain true to yourself.


水に流す

New dreams for old

It has been a busy holiday season.

Dad and the girls arrived on Saturday evening before Christmas since their school closed the day previous. My eldest brother met them from the airport and brought them here. Hitomi visited her sister in Akita and brought her and her husband to her parent’s house in Asakusa so it was a busy week-end but one I felt really happy about because the family was coming together.

The early evening of Christmas Eve I spent at Hitomi's parent's house with her family. Sometimes I feel that I am aware of how others feel as if they radiate their feelings. I have never been to her parent’s home before, although she and I have been together for two years. Her Mother was lovely and made me feel so welcome as did her sister but I think I could almost taste disapproval from her father. Perhaps I was wrong? But I just tried to dismiss it from my mind.

We met up with friends at the Lexington for the evening but home before midnight like good girls ready for Santa's visit.

On Christmas morning I went to the children's ward in the hospital where I was as a young girl. When I was ten I was thrown from my horse as it refused to jump. I broke both legs and had a splinter from the gate pass so close to my eye that they think I might lose it. I was in there for my 10th Christmas and since my coming of age, I promised myself that I would always go on this day and bring a smile to those in that same place where I was and some smiles, especially those of children are worth a lot.

My brothers both arrived for the evening and for the Christmas day dinner and I take satisfaction that my family was complete and together. It is not too often that we are and many times I miss my family. We had a private room downstairs in the restaurant, the food was great but most important was that we were all together and enjoying ourselves and exchanged small gifts.

On the 27th my dear old friend Ayumi called. It was a surprise. We used to be very good friends in the past but I think we had slowly drifted apart this last year. We talked over happy memories but then she shocked me by saying that her relationship has just ended. I had thought they would marry soon. Years ago she and I and Terutaka were the singles club. We none of us believed we would marry or even find a long term relationship, but we always had each other. It's crazy the things we think sometimes. But we promised that we won’t drift apart no matter what. Friends forever and life has many gifts but not many are greater than the gift of true friendship.

New Years Eve arrived and Hitomi and I decided to just be alone together in my apartment. For the first time in many years I was not working and I felt out of place like a piece of me was missing. We watched Kouhaku on TV. This time last year I was actually there in the NHK studios as part of my job but this year I'm in a different company and with the person I most want to be with.
Yes I miss it.
But it's all change.

Watching Morning Musume on the show actually disappointed me this year because I usually enjoy them but this year they seemed poor. At midnight we both prayed for new hopes and new dreams for the New Year and went downstairs. Hiro was sleeping in his office, he had been working all day and he was opening again on New Year’s Day for the osechi lunch so we left him to sleep.

This morning we spent time looking at our nengajyo postcards and marking our daruma resolutions and then my niece, Kyioshichan, called in for her pochibukuro.

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday season and that this year will be good for you.

Happy New Year

AKEMASHIE OMEDETO GOZAIMASU!

Hi, I'm jazz and I'm an alcoholic

Detox is a painful way to cleanse and put right what has gone wrong through incorrect habits and indulgence. It is an embarrassing admission that we allowed something to go bad and now have become aware to perhaps half hearted attempt to put right. For me it was drinking to excess and drunkenness and addiction to drugs. I don’t mean all illegal ones, but also pep pills, anti depressants, pain relief and throat medicines. Any fault I felt I saw within then I would indulge on what I thought may cure it but to excess.
I have smoked a cigarette maybe three times in my life and fail to see its allure or addictive qualities when it smells bad and is proven harmful. Yet I am blind to my own addictions. Yes I can admit them on talking with a friend and I can admit them to myself, yet I don’t seem to possess the will to halt such desires. A detox weekend becomes a token as the next weekend I am drinking again. I enjoy being with my friends and we all do together drink.
In my writings I often allude. I often try to use widely known references although perhaps the way I refer to it is not so open. As a small girl I loved to read and as a teen I think I re-read some of my child books only to discover that each story had new meanings. I was aware that no longer were the stories I thought I knew so simple and shallow but had depth or a second layer. As an adult I know now there are still more layers and depths. Still, I remain just ordinary and only playfully allude. Perhaps you do see more than I believe some can.

My career track was a series of small unsuccessful attempts of my own until by way of chance or design I met a genius who was in the business. It was he that opened the doors for me. As he guided me my success was almost guaranteed since everyone admired him so much. Perhaps that’s where I was blinded in the first instance and the mistake was aggravated by mixing business and pleasure and before I knew anything more I was living with him. It was not living in his shadow but being pushed forwards into the light. Unnerving but it is what I craved or thought I did.
I resent so much about that affair now and how I was treated but I am glad I experienced it because I leaned so much about life and about myself. I had become a paradox in acting out a part that really wasn’t me. I had been moulded like some clay into whatever shape they had desired and as I looked inside I could feel shame that my own essence seemed lost.
After a very terrible break up, I ran away from everything .You cannot know how desperately unhappy I was or the shame I felt I had brought.
It took a time to overcome that and I didn’t do it alone. This was a time I re-evaluated people and myself. I travelled to foreign places and the distance felt good.
When I came home I found people who were willing to gamble on me and life once more had meaning. Not everyone thought of my achievements as successful and I received some awful criticism for many things, but the people who look at company profits were always happy with my contribution and they are perhaps the men with loudest voices when policy is discussed.
In the last three years I became involved in projects I had never dreamed I would indulge in or enjoy but I did and people noticed and acknowledged me and some of those people were the ones who at first wouldn’t believe in me. I had proved something to them about adaptability and personal determination and even parts of my own self doubts evaporated.
To climb a mountain is an achievement. To stand at its peak is breathtaking. But you can’t stay there forever because there are other mountains to climb and so you should climb down. I unfortunately lost my footing and fell down, landing unceremoniously with my dress torn open and a bottle in my hand.
I could not offer consistency and I failed at maintaining continuous16 hour days without proper rest. It’s my fault entirely. I drank to hide my tears and took the pills to try to maintain abilities. I could not meet appointments and I let everyone down. Perhaps being assisted home by the police didn’t help sway the decisions of the people holding my contract in their hands when they called me to the office.
I can laugh in some respects and cry in others but that will not change anything. What happened has happened and past and is unchangeable. All I can do is learn from it and armed with such experience, I can ensure that I am not guilty again of the same mistakes. One week after the start of my new job and I feel fine!
Now it's the weekend and I can have just a few drinks.

A kiss before dying

The sun valiantly shines through the shuttered and slated windows with a brilliance that can dazzle unprotected eyes. Yet the beams carry no warmth at all, for the emptiness of the rooms are cold, sterile and pointlessly still hold on to a fading luminescence of peeling pale blues.
The large house lies empty as you gaze longingly upon the entrance hall for perhaps that last time. You may remember how welcoming it was as you rushed in through the door to escape a sudden rainstorm or just back home after such long hours of work. But that was so long ago now!
Even those past conversations and echo's of children's laughter imprinted into the fibre no longer reverberate in there.
This is the paradoxical burning of raw ice upon your skin, this is the safety you felt within the lull of a storm. This is the moment of silence in the movie as the musical score builds to a crescendo and then...........

This is the moment of a goodbye kiss.
Perhaps he knew it and you wondered as this one seemed long and intense and unusual. Perhaps no one knew and just the memory of it, knowing only now that it was the last one makes it so much more than it really was. Perhaps I knew it even then and fooled myself. The kiss is but a memory and the memory is as an autumn leaf upon the November winds.

The door is closed for the last time and the house is behind me. I want to look back, it calls to me like a spurned lover begging forgiveness and more chances to make amends, but I cannot look back, not now! If I look back I know that I will wonder if I can really walk away?
Finality
Before me lies a war torn, weary and blood soaked battlefield.
The decaying and the dead litter it like forgotten confetti about an abandoned wedding venue and the bitter wind blows it any which way without design or purpose. A randomness that devalues the past order of things.
It is with a heavy and failing heart that I realise that fallen comrades will no longer speak to me, no more laughter or tears they will share with me. They are gone forever and I am left alone, so dreadfully alone.
Sightless eyes upon me see nothing
What use then the emblems and ensigns of regiment now?
The flag has been burned and a blacked rag has become cinders to the wind.
The pages of all that I knew are to be re-written tomorrow and what use are tears that sodden the naked Earth upon which I walk.

There are none spared, whether beggar or noble for each will breath the putrid airs blown from the unhinged doors of hell. The vile will dance upon the graves of those who believed they were spared this fate and died yesterday.
Those born tomorrow are ushered into the uniform of indignant patriotism and asked to die for a lie and in time they to will fall to the beat of a threshing timpani and a crooked smile.
Why rush you all to broken temples? Have none of you ever realised that they, like the wars you gave me are the folly that is an unruled soul.
You sadden me as you hold on to values that crumble into the harsh dawn. It was never about love! It was about what we would do to hold on to it. What did we fight for and what made us yield?

Without turning around, I know that house is behind me. The future is merciless. Hold onto dreams but understand that as we grow dreams are outgrown too!
You will fall behind me!
I will not look back
Tomorrow has a new smile, I can hope for that.

Temple of life

Temple of life

There are things that will be said that could hurt us but we will always try desperately to hide the pain and wipe away our tears. I would want none to see that side of me.
Those soft falling rivers that drench our cheeks and the sudden awareness of that deep emptiness we feel inside when the other is not there. Oh how can you have made such a torrent of feelings inside me when I felt aloof, immune and desensitized to all the temptations this world could place before me and in my path?
What are you that can do this to me?
Me, the one with armor plating around a cold and forgotten heart that is sometimes too shy to beat and push the lifeless blood through stilled veins
Me, the one so icy and oblivious to the warmth that was offered to me from so many...and then you came!
My walls dustily crumbled as you crashed through them with your innocence and beguile. What could I do to defend myself? I thought I knew all those tactics and could easily ward them off and keep myself free from the affections thrown at me.

You proved me wrong and showed how defenseless I really was and when your arsenal of charm engaged, I never saw it come and pass right through me. The grays became colored and like the petals reaching for the sun, I glowed in your light, I basked in your radiance and you presented to me my own emotions, laid bare and naked and how much now I know I need you in which to grow, let me reach out to you.
Can I die if you refuse me?

So often we walk along paths of unexplored territories yet feel fond familiarities, so often we overlook those little things that would grow if only we stopped to tend them.
Why do we do these things? Why are we walking a life that makes us not care the way we should care? Why is that so far from me that I desire close! What is it we do that gives us hope that we can plant a feeling in the other, needs and petty revenges?
I once told you I could make you a prince, did I not?
But do realms fall and riches tarnish, was the treasury filled with fools gold?
Who is the fool and would they still aspire to the forgotten throne?
I am just what I am, yet there is more, there is the one who never saw the day, she just peeks out at it through a hole in my soul
Can I cry my soft tears on your strong shoulders once more?

Could you hold me and really understand this need in me?
Will you tell me that the simple things I need can be ours?
I am all that? Am I too much?
I have confidence and doubts sometimes all that I am is not enough and sometimes even I cannot want to be near me!
I will smash your dreams today but tomorrow, you know I will give you new ones.
What was I that drove you away?
What was I that returned you?
What am I now I turn you away again?

The temple of life has a large feasting hall and an endless table.
It is filled with exotic delights savory and sweet. Can you take one meal and leave the others untouched?
Can I?

The crowd’s cries from the outside no longer deafen me.
Are they still there I wonder momentarily?
I relax in the chair and watch the hungry flames dance upon the logs.
The last of the Pinot empties from my glass and I regard that endless table with quiet contemplation.
Tastes of many lands remain untouched across the table and the grapes have soured!
Your chair is still cold and undisturbed old friend.
Where may you haunt now that your shadow no longer crosses my floor?
The samisen and balalaika's still play distantly, but I no longer feel like dancing.My gown lies in tatters and my mask long since discarded, the debauchery hidden from view.


To the cellars then in search of more wine!
Fortification I seek as I leave the dancing flames.
My robes about me to stay the chill of these vast marbled halls, no rap rap rapping at my door, just the ice of a long stilled winter and a path beyond now impassable with withered barks.
Bah! Even the sun refuses to rise, what beauty may lie there in the eternal night?
A landscape inhabited by demons and elements of mischief that sing in the winds.
Take your dread from my castle walls Satan's spawn. Leave my own personal hell to my own self.
Play on I command, for the music keeps sane my memories.
Yet why I allow you to walk the paths of my mind remain a mystery.
What chains you there? For I seem no longer to hold the key!
If I could free you, know that I would.
Some things are perhaps hard to let go but a burning iron remains in my hand...
and as I squeeze against that searing pain, another wine glass shatters in my hand.
Am I always destined to walk on broken glass? My sandals were lost on the dance floor.

A new barrel I carry from cellar to the tower and look out into the curtain of night.
Would those demons drink with me? Perhaps they won't drink from human kindness...
and laugh at me as I seek an escape from these walls crafted and cemented with my own hands.Play on I again command to minstrels unseen.
I look to the heavens and cry "Why have you forsaken me?", but he knows me not!
My friend pours himself from the barrel into another glass and accompanies me once more to the feasting hall.
I retake my seat after bringing your chair closer to the fire.
A toast old friend as I raise my glass.

"Drink to the simplicities of life and the hidden complexities!"

Housebound

I am housebound!
My visiting nurse says I am overdoing things!

How? I am doing nothing. I hired a help to come clean my apartment.
My brother makes all my meals. I do not leave here.
My medication keeps making me sleep at all times of day. So come the night and darkness enshrouds me I don't sleep full and long.
Perhaps I’ll stop taking them.

I was surprised by a visitor today--she detests my friend Ayu and I thought she detested me too but she came to visit and I invited her in. Sometimes to my shame I feel I am so wrong about people. She was so nice to me and bring for me wonderful gift. I made us tea and we chatted about so much. I feel I have not only not lost touch with the things she mentioned but also seen a side of what's happening in my world from new eyes and a new perspective.
N.... still has contact with my ex and she mentioned him once or twice, I felt sure she was poking needles, but it could have been innocent, so I let it pass and kept my words as neutral as I could about that topic.

So what am I thinking now? I think that sometimes we pull the blinds over windows without caring to know the view. Politics is an awful business to be in and personal politics of what we all experience is the same. We can miss so much and all because of one silly thought.
I don't like you, because you don't like my best friend---I am showing loyalty to my friend, yet I am not the one for any reason they not friends!
So now when Ayu calls, and Ayu decides to moan about N..... What am I to say?
N.... in my new experience is just like us!
She has the same fears, same hopes and desires.
Perhaps the fire will only burn cold?

Ayu will say “she has turned your mind.”
Oh such petty jealousies, and for what? A place on a pedestal!
Why can't we all just be friends...they have both so much and if jealousies were anything to be desired, then I should be jealous of both of them or is that envious?
Sometimes I feel like I am a stranger to that world and to any other that I may care to tread

She left after two hours with me and I felt lonely again but Kushisa (my cat) is so loving and that special man called from work to say he will come tomorrow. I miss him too now

Then I suddenly go all paranoid (what's new?) and I am thinking desperately of my conversation with N......, did I say anything which could find its way into other avenues of communication?
This world that I live in can be so damn petty! Or is it me? Have I lost it? Did I ever have it?
I keep hearing words across my mind as if they were spoken aloud as if some actress narrates her monologue about me on stage in some historic sense.
"She's neurotic!"
"She is a crazy ‘gurl’!"
"No talent, no ability, no good hanger on!"

I read some special letters to me in vain attempt to comfort myself
Then I cried
The truth is....I am not much of anything really, all my life is total farce!
I have been used and I have been guilty of using others in unworthy attempts to get somewhere.
But where is that somewhere?
Is it in the hearts of others?
Is my name so important that I have sacrificed so many other things to make it shine?
It may have been up in lights but they really burn so cold ...and where am I today?

A single nova in the cosmos shines brighter than any galaxy, yet it burns so rapid and then fades to nothing.
Don't you know that life is hell?
The sacrifice, the frustration and all my pain laid bear, is that all I have to show?
And then I have to consider what of tomorrow?

Can I be a mother, can I have respect for just that?
Can my man love a foolish girl who never grew up? One who never knew how to reign in her emotions?
Why would he marry a faded Nova?

An emptiness in space
that's all that remains
oh damn you entropy, damn you and damn me too!