Home Again.

Home seems a strange place. It has that vibration like it's somewhere I once knew so long ago but have forgotten its warm embrace. It now seems as distant as the boy I had a crush on whilst still at school. The colors and smells seem different and somehow out of place.
I check each room as if to ensure my memory does not deceive me in its recall.

There were times last month when I prayed for death to come take me because the pain was so intense. When there is no escape and no where to turn and not a safe harbor to seek refuge we become so desperate and consider any measure to end the agony.
I was in hospital for a couple of days before they could operate because they had to filter out from my blood the rubbish that I'd put in. I was angry because this had never come to attention in my check-ups and the world was wrong and as such became my enemy as I lashed out at everything and everyone and demanded drugs to free me from the agonies I endured. Somewhere in there amongst my personal hell, I also struggled towards the window to throw myself because it seemed to be an option to free myself from what they wanted me to suffer. Today and behind that pain I see now lies the beast of ill reason and impaired rationality.

I remember my brother Hiro and Rina, his girlfriend being there on the day they wheeled me into the operating room and I was saying stupid things about who was to have what and the last wishes I wanted carried out and throughout I wouldn't let go of his hand.
The days seem blurred and dis-jointed. I remember my Dad and April's dad being there and April was holding my hand saying something but when I looked again it was BeBe or Hitomi or someone else.

I felt sick to my stomach and my arm was on fire and heavy with the weight of the tubes feeding liquids into my blood and I made Ayumi give me her hat because they'd shaved a part of my hair from my head where they'd drilled into it. I was so happy to see people who I had not seen for sometime but I felt awful because I know I looked a mess.
Nyoko, my favorite of all those patient nurses helped me put on some make up before dear Tegs came in and when he finally did I just cried because the it made me think of the last time he saw me, also in hospital. That eye liner went all over my face!

Everyone kept bringing presents and a big collection of stuffed animals appeared in the corner. Enough flowers to cheer up the other rooms as well as mine.

But even afterwards I seemed to see things around me but it seemed unreal as if I wasn't really there, but seeing some movie through my eyes. Even then I saw more of my older brothers this month than all the rest of the year. I sometimes think our family is so strained that I lie to myself about its bonds.
A lot of my friends came and said things when they thought I was asleep but it was hard to talk and it was hard to open my eyes even though the room was kept dark.

Bebe came to see me this morning before they let me out. The first thing she asked was how soon would it be before I wanted to work again? She said it like it was a lot of organizing to do while I'm away.
I told her I'll be ready for the kohaku in two months if they ask me!
I gave the toys to the children's wards and now that I am here at home once more it feels so damn strange!