Mothering

I have stopped reading any article or FB posts that talks about the joy of being a mother, especially at the point of them feeling the little one in their tummy & the joy of holding the baby in their arms just after they deliver. 

I just have to skip.

I just do not want to torture myself with the feeling of failing to function, of being a lesser woman for not being able to become (legally) pregnant & be a mother. 

I became a grandma recently, my eldest niece gave birth to a beautiful daughter. That made me realized the whole world moved past me. The little girl I used to help change diaper is now changing  her daughter's diaper. 

And I'm still here. Childless. It is a childhood dream that will never come true. Yes, I wanted kids, 5 to be exact. 

No I do not plan to adopt.

Surprisingly, I do not feel the same inferiority about not being somebody's wife. I wonder why. 

The prayer

News came to me this morning on whatsapp.

I looked at the message a few times before replying. 

Long ago I told a mutual friend not to tell me anything about you, for I didn't want to know anything about you anymore. 

But this time, she knows that I need to know this piece of news.

You are not well, you have the big C at stage IV. 

I sat dumbfounded for a while before I could think again.

Allah is giving you a big test, I hope you will stay strong. I hope you will fight it. 

I may not be seeing you, but I'll keep you in my prayer. Get well soon dear friend. 

They say first cut is the deepest.

My scars are healed. 

I am not in pain. 

I have forgiven you.

You take care.

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Crappy Quote

I came across this quote so many times...

"Don't marry the one u can live with, But marry the one u can't live without"

I have no idea who said it first .
I think it is rubbish. 
You can always live without 'the one' that you think you can't live without. 
Do you mean you have not lived before you meet that person?


Go, get married if you want to, but cut off that 'I can't live without you' crap.
God gave you life, so live, with or without 'the one'. 



Oh yeah, call me a sourgrape.


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Sweet dreams are made of these

 "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" 
(gelak golek golek)

Dalam silauan cahya

Membatas pandangan mata

Namun jelas ku lihat kamu

Biarpun ku sedar kau kian jauh

Tinggalkan aku yang rapuh

Angin kencang membawa kau

Jauh ke sana kau hilang terus tanpa khabar

Tidur malam ku mimpi indah ingat kamu

Ku rindui kamu

Angin Kencang - Noh hujan

(Hehehehehe...

sesi berangan tak sudah)


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Salt water

Sometimes people think that you are strong coz they have never seen your tears. 

They don't know your struggle.

They don't understand.

.....

I am an introvert, stuck in a perceived extrovert shell.

Trying to fake a 'friendliness' is tiring.

Trying to pretend that you like to be in the crowd is tiring.

*exhausted*

Gelombang

Kadang kala kita jumpa orang yang dah lama kita tak jumpa.
Kita cuba buat mesra macam zaman dulu-dulu.
Tapi tak boleh, kita rasa kemesraan itu agak palsu.
Kita rasa kita perlu berkata sebegitu sebegini, angguk dan senyum, bukan secara spontan lagi.

Memang kita tak perlu bercerita tentang perkara yang sama setiap masa, kita juga tidak perlu bersetuju dengan semua perkara. Itu tak apa. Kita boleh terus bercakap.
Tapi, bila kita rasa, gelombang percakapan kita tak sama. Susah.
Kita boleh bersetuju perkara yang berbeza, tapi gelombang perlu sama. 
Umpama, kalau tak sama gelombang, kita tak dapat dengar perbincangan itu dalam satu stesen radio.



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Corak

Biarlah setiap gelombang itu merubah corak pasir di pantai.

Cukup

Semenjak dah tua ni, dah tak rasa rajin nak berkenalan & buat kawan baru. Maaf kalau org jumpa saya dan rasa saya 'dingin'. Well, kalau nasi baru masak disimpan lama pun dia jadi nasi dingin jugak, dok? Kalau jumpa org baru setakat bertanya nama okey lah. Kalau nak tanya banyak, saya rasa rimas nak menjawab. Rasa penat.

Mungkin sebab saya memang dah lama menjadi introvert yg berusaha untuk jadi friendly. Dah habis tenaga itu. Saya dah tua dan dah habis kederat utk melayan perbualan baru yg bertanya hal2 lama.

Dengan kawan lama tak apa. Hanya sekumpulan kecil yg masih saya hubungi hampir setiap hari. Mereka ini yg saya sudah paham tebiat masing2. Kami hormat ruang masing2 & perbezaan yg ada. 

Kepada yang baru hadir, 'trust me it's not you, it's me. ignore me. I'm just tired. Please leave.'

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Maldives aku datang

Katanya destinasi bulan madu.

Habis kalau bulannya tak juga jatuh ke riba takkan nak tunggu sampai dapat dua batu nisan?

Pergi saja, tak perlu tunggu bulan madu, tak perlu tunggu sesiapa.

Allah bagi rezeki, bermusafirlah lihat keindahan ciptaanNya. 

Indah. Cukup indah.

(ini cuma sneak peek)

 

Sweet dreams are made of these!

So beautiful, I almost cried when It was time to go back.

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