Little Tommy

Tonight was the memorial service for my cousin Tommy that died of a drug overdose last week. He shares a name with his dad, so we always called him Little Tommy. I was not close to him and didn't really know much about him. We would always ask how he was and where he was, but often he was in jail or out of touch with the family completely. It's been years since I have even seen him. He's had a rough life, but I heard several times tonight that he was happy and funny despite his circumstances. Seeing him in the hospital on life support knowing he most likely wouldn't ever regain consciousness was bearable. The thing that got me was looking at pictures of him as a little boy (and discovering his own mother only had 5 photos of him and didn't make it to the funeral {she lives in NY, but still}).

No one knew how short his life would be or the awful way it would end. He started out just like everyone else: happy, sweet, innocent and full of potential. He started out just like you and me. He started out just like my girls. We don't know what the future holds. When I squeeze/kiss/hug my babies, my heart aches for my cousin Tom that grew up without a mother always squeezing/kissing/hugging him when he was little. I wish every child was loved like I was loved by my mother and like I love my children. I do not know his mom's story, but my mothering heart can't imagine having very little to no involvement in one of my precious children's life. When I snuggle into Hazel's neck and hear her giggle or hold Clara's sweet, soft cheeks in my hands and admire her darling face, I can not imagine choosing not to be involved in their life. I can't imagine getting rid of that. It just makes my heart hurt to imagine what parts of his life were like.

I love what my cousin Lisa said about him being in a safe place now. A place free of the substances that took his life and free of the circumstances that made his life rough here on earth. I know my Grandma and Grandpa Melzer are with him. That puts a smile on my face to think of the reunion. I'm glad they were there to hug him. My Uncle hasn't had the greatest relationship with him in the last decade or so and seeing him upset over that was pretty sad. Life is precious. So, so precious.

Angela, Little Tommy and me to remember the care free times of childhood

PS I know my thoughts are all over the place in this post, but I didn't exactly get much sleep last night and I have had a lot going through my mind lately. It'd take hours to make this more coherent so I have opted to leave it as is and move on to happier thoughts. :)

Have To

I like to tell Jason I have to blog. I know it's not a necessity, but I feel like I have to do it to document our life and record my feelings, which makes it hard to say no. I wonder if that is how Jason feels about his golfing invitation yesterday to a course that we'd never pay for. Ever. Seriously. Not a necessity, but you can't really say no, so it's a have to.

Moving along...

I have too many things to blog about. The problem is, I don't have enough time. So here we go, posts that never made it to the big leagues...

"Stand by Me"

4.26.2011

I don't spend much time on my blog proclaiming I have a perfect husband. Because I don't. Good thing, because I'm not perfect either. However, I think we compliment each other well and truthfully, he just might be perfect for me. Plus, we make cute babies. Anyway, I have some Jason thoughts to share.

I wasn't really nervous going to Utah without him. I am a pretty independent person and it's not like I don't spend most of the week caring for the kids alone. I can handle that side of things. But while I was in Utah, my testimony of marriage strengthened a little more. I don't need Jason to survive, but it sure makes life easier. Having him around fortifies my mothering efforts. When he's by my side, and we're parenting together, I am more confident in my ability to raise our children and it seems as though with marriage, 1+1>2. Maybe that's only the case if we allow Heavenly Father to influence us as well. So yes, I can do it without him, but I sure am grateful I don't have to do it all the time. (PS I came home from Utah to a clean house, fresh flowers and my curtains hung.)

The other night I stayed in the car while Clara went into the store with Jason. I couldn't help but smile watching them walk towards the store hand-in-hand. She looks so tiny next to Jason and I love that she feels safe with him. I love that she looks up to him, admires him and loves spending time with him. Both are lucky to have each other. Watching them gave me butterflies. When you get married, it's hard to know what kind of parent they will be. I made a good choice. Clara thinks so too. Another night she went to Wal Mart with Jason and told him, "Dad, I'm glad you're my dad. I would have run away if I was sent to a different dad."

"These Little Ones"

5.22.2011

Hazel, 3 days shy of 5 months: rolls/moves all over in her crib, rolled from stomach to back months ago, but still cries like she's stuck if she rolls from her back to her stomach herself, gnaws on anything she can and drools (I'm thinking she'll get teeth sooner than Clara did, which was 9 months), stares at every single thing I put into my mouth and grabs at the food and whatever dish it is on, still happy and a good sleeper, has a hard time eating when the TV is on or she hears people, loves watching Clara's every move, hates bottles (even though it's my milk) at night, growing out of 6 month clothes

Clara, almost four and a half: smarter and stronger than Jason and I, tests the threshold with respecting her parents often (by way of staring at us, saying no and watching our reaction), uses words she's heard incorrectly, but acts so matter of factly, you almost don't realize it (I'm sick. I just have a germ-in sick fiber. And Hazel has to stay away from me, because it's allergic), bosses pretty much everyone around (latest and greatest at church last week - I teach the primary class that sits behind her's and one of my boys was putting his feet on Clara's chair. She turned around and said, totally serious and straight-faced, "Mom, control your class.") On our way out from church, someone commented on her beautiful face and said, "Every time I see her, she makes me smile." It's true, she makes me smile too.

"He Said, She Said"

5.24.2011

Sometimes Jason says things that make me laugh. Tonight we played softball with some people we are just getting to know and on our way home I was telling Jason about a conversation I had with one of the guys:

A: Cam asked me if I was a cheerleader in high school. I told him I was a nerd. I almost told him I was in band but...

J: {Interrupting} Yeah, don't tell him that.

(I could care less if people know that I was in band, but I think it embarrasses Jason, ha ha.)

And of course it's no surprise that Clara says things that make me laugh regularly too.

C: Mom, don't stare at me you booger.

A: Clara, don't call mom a booger, that's disrespectful.

C: {Silence}

A: Do you understand?

C: Yes. {Short pause} Turkey.

(That went over well.)

Lady in hospital waiting room: Do you exercise everyday?

C: No, but I read my scriptures every day

C: Dad, mom didn't spend enough quality time with me today so we get to do whatever I want after dinner.

"Let's Be Honest"

5.24.2011

I can never remember how to spell 'sentence'. Until 9th grade, I spelled it 'sentance'. I still remember the shock when I realized I'd always spelled it incorrectly. But I still can't remember which is which.

Sometimes I think everyone hates me. I spend far too long reviewing things I've said and done to people and wonder why people don't like me. I try hard to be nice, thoughtful and sincere, but apparently that's not always enough. I get a little depressed when I realize I can't be everyone's favorite.

I have no self control when I go to Costco. I could have a $1,000 monthly budget and still go over (I don't, I just could). I love the quality food they offer and I am a sucker for their clothes and books. Costco is my biggest budget breaker.

I worry too much. Far too often I worry myself sick and can't go to sleep at night. The other night I decided to see what would happen if I tried to think about "What if {insert happy thought here} happened" instead of "What would I do if {insert most horrible thing you can imagine here} happened". It was kind of fun, I felt like I was hand picking my dreams. I have been trying to do it more.

"Hazel, 5 Months"

5.26.2011

5 months old. Really? You're almost 6 months old, that's half of a year!! I still remember Clara's first birthday perfectly. That's easy, since it was just the other... 3 years ago. Anyway, Hazel grabs at EVERYTHING. Anything she can feel, see, hear or smell. She wants my food, my computer, my dishes, my hair, you name it, she wants it. She also thinks it's great to grab her pacifier and pull it out of her mouth. It's funny when she puts it back in, but most of the time she can't get it back in the right way and/or throws it unintentionally. This is especially cool if we are in public and her pacifier rolls all over the dirty floor/ground. She has been rolling much more, all over the place. Clara was the same way. Our kids are just rollers. No matter where I am, people are constantly telling me what a beautiful baby she is. I say thanks but always feel like that sounds a little awkward because I feel like people can sense that I'm thinking, "I know". But what else am I supposed to say? I couldn't agree with them more. Hazel is always looking around for Clara, especially when she first wakes up from naps. Once she spots her, she loves staring at her and smiling her way when she thinks Clara is looking at her. She has started spitting up more and I think that's because I've gotten too lazy about my dairy and chocolate intake. (That chocolate could probably explain away a few of the large blemishes on my face). Hazel loves to be outside, loves the bathtub (I am so happy both my girls love water), loves walks and loves laughing and smiling at people. She's been getting stuck in the crib, pulling her blanket over her head and is super happy in the morning.

Clara had her last soccer game on Saturday. It was comical watching the kids, but I don't know that soccer is for her. She said she'd rather be a cheerleader and considering she probably spent more time talking to the other kids, that's easy to believe. Karen and my parents came to support her.
We went to Dunkin' Donuts afterwards to celebrate.
Hazel got to suck on a carrot for the first time. She can't wait to eat big people food.
We got to see Jason's newest nephew today. Little Ethan. So cute and tiny (especially compared to my sweet chubby).
Happy long weekend!

Saturday

Ahhh, Saturday. I love Saturdays. Either we have way too much going on or they are a chance to get things done. Instead of going out of town, we decided to use yesterday and today to get ahead on house and yard work so we can relax on Monday. We had Clara's final soccer game this morning. (I asked her if she was sad or a little bit happy it was over. She said, "I'm REALLY happy it's over." Ha ha.) Right now is the perfect opportunity to get started on my to do list (laundry, clean the floors, clean my room, clean the kitchen, do the dishes, water the plants, clean clara's room, make bread for dinner, get the dinner plan finalized {we are having guests}, make my bed, prepare my primary lesson, etc.) Both my kids are sleeping and Jason is golfing. Too bad I am sitting here with no motivation at all. Sometimes I just get in these funks. I got on my computer to look up a recipe for dinner and now I just want to sit and think. Think about all the stuff I should be doing, think about my cousin Tom that passed away yesterday, try not to think about my Uncle Tom and what he's going through and think about how I can't think of an inanimate object I hate more than drugs. Lest you blame me for ruining your day with this post, I'll sign off with something to smile about.

Sad Times

I spent some time pondering life today and the person I have become because of the experiences I have had. I have learned and grown and stretched, but, as part of life, I have also learned some things I wish I didn't know. (It seems I am faced with more of those "wish I didn't know" things the older I get.) I have learned to deal with the stress and mitigate the pain caused by a wide variety of things. For most things, I have learned to appreciate the growth despite the pain. However, one thing that still scares me horribly is drug addiction. It is so disheartening and depressing. So scary and troubling. Frustrating and saddening. Drugs ruin lives long before they claim them. Maybe I'll never figure this one out. In the meantime, thank goodness for prayer, hope and faith. Prayers for my cousin Tom and my Uncle Tom. Faith that things will work out the way God intends. And hope that we don't have to deal with this situation in our family anymore.

A Little Ketchup

Last week was preschool graduation. The funnest preschool graduation ever. For reals. Live music (i.e. Kathryn singing Pomp and Circumstance), less than 10 minute ceremony, mostly consisting of the kids showing off their skills, yummy treats, balloons and a slip-n-slide.

I racked up way too many late fines at the library several months ago. (Note to self: don't have library books checked out when in the hospital having a baby). However, I was happy I went in to pay them because when I did I scored a Culture Pass for the zoo and picked the most beautiful day in May to go. It's tempting to renew my membership, especially if May is going to offer such lovely surprises more often.

Hazel's first zoo encounter

Dear Clara,

I want you to always remember how much I love you. If you ever wonder, just look at this picture.

I avoided the petting zoo forever because I do not like it one bit. I don't like the smell, I don't like how it makes me feel filthy dirty and I don't like how it makes you filthy dirty. But as you reminded me last week, "the goats" are your favorite thing about the zoo and it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make (barely) to see you smile.

We also enjoyed another entertaining hour of watching Clara's soccer this weekend.
Some favorite moments: the kid that dribbled to the goal, considered his chances of kicking it safely into the goal and decided his chance of making a goal were much better to pick up the ball and throw it into the goal as fast as he could; the kid that couldn't handle another second of someone trying to get the ball so he sat down cross-legged and wrapped his arms around the ball; Clara talking non-stop and not having a clue the ball was a few inches away from her; Clara dribbling all the way down the field to the wrong goal, despite lots of coaches and Mom and Dad yelling to her to go the other way.
Speaking of Clara, this little dear is sometimes more sassy than I know what to do. On Sunday, a boy in my primary class was kicking her chair. She turned around, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Mom, control your class." Then turned around.
Daniel came into town for a quick visit, which made our Sunday meal at my parent's extra special. Seeing my siblings happy and smiling makes me smile.
Summer is creeping in, let the swimming begin. (Just not for me. I need the outside temps to be about 15 degrees hotter before I can't handle the chilly water.)

Surprise!

I love surprises. I love seeing others surprised even more.

100 helium balloons around the house

+ birthday banner {made in less than an hour}

+ unexpected parents from out of state

+ happy birthday girl

+ friends, food, dancing and karaoke {best duet of the night, wish it was all on video}

= one fantastic friday night

You should know...

Golden Rule Clarification: Do unto others as you would have others do to you... NOT as they do to you.

Jason has it rough. He lives in a 32 year old body with a 4 year old brain.

Clara knows how to read so she doesn't have to go to preschool anymore (that's what she said; I have it on video).

And now that Jason has potentially fixed our Internet problem that 3 (THREE!!) Cox technicians failed to fix, I might just have time to blog about more of our fun week.

This & That

Sometimes I feel like I have two four year olds. Although one is 8 times that age and 7 times the weight.

Friday Jason and Clara went to the Father/Daughter outing with my dad and Lily. Clara was so excited.Technically, I suppose I could have gone. After all, I am my father's daughter. Instead I stayed home with big plans. Too bad I just wanted to lay around with my sweet baby. It really hampered my ability to be 100% productive.

Clara found a little treasure in one of my old purses.

C: What's this?
M: Something big girls use.

C: For what?
M: You'll find out when you're older

C: How old?
M: When you go through puberty.

C: What's purbety?

M: I'll tell you later.

C: Okay. Look, I'm blind.

We had some beautiful weather last week. We enjoyed our outside time as much as our schedule would allow. One day we went exploring in our front yard. We watched the ants
and found a baby orange. The pink makeup? Clara is a princess "inja" (aka ninja).
One day we met Roccy and Jonathan at the park for a picnic. I tried Camille's bubble activity. Not so great for our 4 year olds. They would try so hard to take a super deep breath to blow into the bottle to produce bubbles. The only problem was they would forget to take their mouth off the bottle before taking said deep breath. Both of them inhaled and choked on a fair amount of bubbles.
Hazel's first ride in the Snuggli. We went to the library (I finally got the courage to pay my late fees) and I needed my hands. It worked out nicely.
Food is getting so expensive. I don't think it's hard to eat healthy on a tight budget. Been there, done that. But I do think if you want to eat "better" healthy meals, that's when it gets expensive. Good food is probably my biggest weakness when it comes to spending money.

We like to take walks to our mail box. Especially when the weather is right. It's a 15-20 minute walk there and back.
This is what we keep our house at to save money.

Just kidding. One of our A/C's kept turning on and it was not hot in our house. I went to check it one day and noticed it said our house was 85*. That's when I realized for a few hours of the day, the sun shines through our skylight directly onto our thermostat, heating it well above the actual temperature of our house. The other day it said 90*.

Today in church I told Jason he was ruining my life. He told me I'd be the happiest girl on earth if I'd just lower my expectations. Then we laughed. I'm glad we get each other.

I've been wanting a micrSD card for my phone so when I saw this 2GB at buy.com for $5.95 and free shipping, I bought it. I'm still amazed that 2GB of info can fit on this tiny little thing. Think how amazed I would have been had I bought the 8GB one instead!

Saturday night we had a little birthday celebration for Karen and Erin. The salad dressing wasn't great, the main dish was not what I was expecting and I over cooked the pound cake. Luckily the great company allowed us to still have a successful night.
I love this picture. It's random, but everyone looks so happy. It makes me grateful for good friends that I enjoy spending time with.
Last night we laid on the grass, played with glow sticks and enjoyed the perfect weather. Seriously. I could have stayed out there all night.
Clara said, "I'm like Santa Clause. But I'm Tinker Bell." Then she dragged a bag full of shredded paper all over the house and back to her jet.
I have been backing up my pictures. In the process, I like to browse. I found this little goody.
In church today Clara was having a hard time being still. Just before I got mad at her, I remembered I made us all late to church, which made me realize we are all at different phases in life. Some of us have a hard time sitting still for an hour and fifteen minutes. Most of the time they make it, sometimes they don't. Some of us struggle every week to get to church on time. Most of the time they make it, sometimes they don't. We are all learning and growing and remembering that helps me be more patient and understanding with Clara.

Life is good.

Boyce Thompson Arboretum

Last Friday we took advantage of free admission to the Boyce Thompson Arboretum and had ourselves a gay old time. My initial thought was that it was much like the Desert Botanical Gardens, just further away. However, I was pleased to discover I was wrong. Reasons we stayed for 5+ hours and could have stayed for more.

Giant trees: I think this one was 8 feet in diameter and over 100 feet tall
Good company/cousins
Cacti: They didn't just have cacti native to Arizona, but rather a huge display of cacti from all over the world

The Kid’s Garden: The whole Arboretum was fairly kid-friendly, but the Kid’s Garden had a handful of little activities/attractions just for kids

A good baby
Tree Bark: A wide variety of trees=awesome texture

Flowers: I felt like I could walk down the same path multiple times and notice a new flower each time

Last, but not least, The Bridge
Definitely worth the drive and if I would have had to pay for admission, worth that too.