Why Not

I have way too much to do this week. I wasn't going to blog. But I decided to take a break. Or I'm lazy and unmotivated...

A few Saturdays ago I pulled up the blinds in my room while I cleaned so I could keep an eye on Clara playing outside. When she's around, it's a guaranteed smile. Not sure what was better, snow boots with shorts or the pants and hat when it was 110*.

One Saturday the Arizona Science Center had free admission. We went. Clara had fun and told Jason he ruined her most fun day because he wanted to leave. We'll never go again on free day. It wasn't the fact that it was crowded. It was the type of people (kids and adults alike) it was crowded with. Rude, inconsiderate, pushy, etc.

Clara loves including Hazel when she plays and Hazel idolizes Clara so she's happy to follow her around. I love how well they play together and how much they play together.

 And Hazel seriously copies about 95% of what Clara does. Good thing Clara's a good girl.

I love that Clara still pretends and dresses up as she's gotten older. Her little brain is always somewhere else.

For about a week, Hazel would dump out her smoothies, drinks, etc. Then she'd dip her hands in it and eat it by sucking it off her fingers and hand. This night, it was a melted popsicle and she looks like an orange oompa loompa. A really orange oompa loompa.

Family Update

The last few weeks have been different. We have a lot of changes and several unusual things going on. Life has just felt a little funky, but I think we're moving towards some normalcy.

Jason: started his new job. Being that this is the first time he's done this in 10 years, it's a big adjustment. Leaving the comfort and familiarity of 10 years with the same firm will take some getting used to. Fortunately, things have gotten progressively better. So far the highlights are: not having to wake up way too early just to get to work at a normal time, being able to come home for lunch and being able to meet us for lunch.

Clara: decided she doesn't like her school on the 9th day. I believe her exact words were, "I just want to go to school for 9 days, not 100." I was worried she was feeling overwhelmed and that the work was too hard, but in reality, her reason for not liking her school? She has to wake up "too early." Wewsh. She also started up her music class again and started a new dance class. Music is about 1.5 miles from our house and dance is about .3 miles from our house. I love that we live close to so many great opportunities.

Hazel: has consumed more chapstick/lip gloss and applied more concealer than your average 20 month old. She can unscrew just about any lid... and does unscrew just about every lid. Which is what led up to her getting hand sanitizer in her eye (thank goodness for friends that are eye doctors to answer all my questions!) and dumping a healthy amount of coconut oil all over the floor. Both happened while Jason and I were BOTH standing within feet of her.

Anna: started getting lots of one-on-one time with Hazel and Clara. This comes at the expense of work, but no worries, I am happy with my priorities. While Clara is at school, I hang out with Hazel. While Hazel naps, I hang out with Clara and make dinner. While we wait for Jason to get home (assuming dinner is ready), we all play in Clara's room.

Let's Play A Game

This is what Clara had on her head for imaginary play the other day. If you could see her from the back, you'd see a tiny little white feather attached with the band. A feather she pulled from her feather pillow.

A few days later, I showed her the uniform dresses I ordered for her. Her primary concern was whether they had pockets. When I told her no, she said, "Now I can't bring anything to school that might come alive."

$1 to the first person to guess what book I am reading to her.

Words are not enough

Wednesday morning I got a phone call from a friend letting me know our friend's husband passed away unexpectedly the night before. I went to high school with Paula, she's my age, her husband Brian wasn't much older and they have two small boys. His dad was my bishop and realtor and I even went out with him a few times when we were single. He comes from a good family, was married to a good girl and was raising a good family. I know bad things happen to good people, but things like this blow my mind. Additionally, they act as a very unsettling reminder that life is so short and also so very precious. In an instant, we, or our loved ones, can be called home. This a somber nudge to try harder to treat every goodbye like it's the last. I hug and kiss and express my love. Sometimes it's silly, but I'd rather be silly than regretful. 

This kind of news puts me in a funk. All week, my mind keeps wandering back to Paula. I just want to sit around and analyze it and think about it over and over and over. I want to talk about it and write about it and make sure I process through all the feelings. I am attempting to understand every aspect of an eternal situation that my mortal mind will never be able to comprehend. I want to tell everyone I know, "Hey, my friend's husband died this week." I don't know why I feel that urge, but I do. It's like I want people to know how badly my heart aches for her and her boys and for his family. Or maybe I want to shock them into realizing it can happen to anyone, as if they don't already know. It's almost like I think the more people I tell, the better I'll feel and I'll make sense of my thoughts and feelings. But the reality is, it doesn't matter how many people know. Paula is a widow and a single mom of two long before she likely imagined. His parents have to do what every parent dreads: bury their child. His siblings no longer have their brother. Meanwhile, everyone else goes on living their life as normal. Work, school, pool parties, socializing and making happy memories with their loved ones. We are off playing and having fun while they are mourning. I feel so helpless and almost guilty that I (and so many other people my age) get to keep hugging and kissing my spouse. I get to sleep next to him at night and laugh with him. It's no wonder saying sorry feels so pathetic. Sorry is such a small word compared to the mountain of pain, sorrow, loneliness, anger and heartache she's feeling.

As we were driving home Saturday night, Jason and I started talking about it again. I started going back to familiar feelings from earlier in the week, which meant trying to process how on earth people deal with really hard things. I looked over and the beautiful evening sky made me realize, they have to do it one day at a time. One beautiful sunset at a time. One step forward, no matter how many steps back. Little tender mercies, one at a time.

My Special Little Girl

Clara is one special little girl. She is loving, smart, kind, sweet and helpful. She was born with a desire to do good and be obedient. She is fun and silly but also serious and mature. Last Saturday the Bishop called me. He said he was teaching a lesson on true conversion with an emphasis on the knowledge that in order to be truly converted, we're commanded to be as a little child. He thought Clara would be perfect to sit in front of the room of adults as they discussed ways we should be like a child. She did as she was told and did it well. She sat smiling reverently for several minutes. After church, I had lots of people tell me how much they love my sweet Clara. It's hard not to. 

When I saw this picture I cried. It's not just her beautiful little face that overwhelms me, it's also her big, bright personality that makes her so lovable. It is sometimes hard to believe that I am the mother of such an extraordinary little person.

When Can You Start?

Jason has been looking for a new job for a while. He's had a few interviews here and there and a few job offers, but nothing has worked out or felt right. Recently he had the opportunity to interview with a firm that is 4 miles from our house (3.7 if you want to be exact). He currently drives about 36 miles (each way), so location alone was a major benefit.

I felt guilty asking for this to work out, especially during times when so many people are struggling to find work and those that have work are underemployed. We have had many financial blessings in the last few years and asking for more just made me feel greedy. I was content with his current situation, but beyond the financial aspect, I realized a job that didn't limit his career growth and opportunities and one that would allow him to be home with his family more (and happier when he was home!) was well worth petitioning for.

We anxiously awaited the offer but weren't surprised that it came. The offer, however, was nearly $10k less than his current salary. While we weren't basing our decision on a big raise, we also weren't expecting to be asked to make less than a lateral move. Jason and I thought about it, prayed about it and made our favorite pro/con t-chart. We decided that a $3k cut would be reasonable and acceptable considering the gas he'd save, the time he'd save, the opportunities he'd have and the better health insurance. He also would have the potential to earn more since his pay structure would change. We were a little nervous with our counter offer since it wasn't really in the middle of our current salary and the original offer, but we decided less than that meant it was not a good idea. We sent the counter at about 2am and had a response by about 7am the next morning: When can you start?

So for the first time in over 10 years, Jason will be starting a new job. We're a little nervous but mostly excited for this new adventure. I love the calm reassurance that comes after making a big decision to let m e know we made the right choice. I look back and think, "How was it so nerve-racking to make such an obvious decision?" Of course the answer is it's because at the time, we didn't know. Once we got our answer, the calm was the reassurance that we'd done the right thing.

He'll definitely miss his friends he's worked with and known for so long, but overall, the change will be a good thing. As a courtesy to his current firm, he gave three weeks notice to help them get further along on the project he was assigned to. Halfway through the second week, he realized he should have considered his motivation level when giving three weeks. :) But, he powered through and made it through the last week. Today was his last day and he starts his new job on Monday. It's a Civil Engineering firm, just like he's at now, so he'll be doing the same type of work. He came home giddy and ready for something new. We are excited to see what awaits.

{And I was excited he let me take a picture on his last day. I love him.}

And then there is Hazel

I didn't think Hazel would really notice Clara being at school, but she did. She was bored and missed her and I realized Hazel still napped in the morning when Clara was in preschool, so it was a big difference. After taking Clara to her first day or school, Hazel played in the bubbles while I cleaned and did dishes.
It reminded me of the many days I spent with Clara. As the only child for 4 years, nearly half of which Jason was in school, we got a lot of bonding time in. She was my sidekick and did everything with me. With Clara in school, Hazel has stepped into that role and I am looking forward to time with sidekick #2. There are special  moments where I get to teach, learn and let the little tender moments sink deep into my heart. The smiles, the laughs, the kisses and the hugs.

On the second day, Hazel was excited to get in some picture time and wore her fancy shoes for the occasion.


And here are a ton of other things I want to remember about my nearly 20 month old darling.


For the last little while, when you ask her a question she'll sometimes say, "Ummm..."

One day Clara and I were playing the ABC game in the car. I'd say a letter, Clara would say a word that starts with that letter. Hazel would repeat every letter I said and repeat every word Clara said.

Hazel has started wanting to say prayers, which means we say a line and she'll repeat the lass word or phrase. I love it and remember when Clara did it. Things go really well until the end...


Dear Heavenly Father = "fa-der"
We're thankful for the food = "food"
Please bless it = "bless it"
In the name = "AMEN!"
In the name = "AMEN!"
of Jesus Christ = "AMEN!"

In church on Sunday, after one of the prayers Hazel screamed "AMEN!" really, really loud. At least she's paying attention, right?

She is much more accident prone than Clara was. Two days after she got stung by the scorpion, she tried to climb on a chair and slipped off. She hit her chin which made her two top teeth puncture her bottom lip. I gave her ice to suck on to help with the swelling and she loved it. I, on the other hand, had to sit down to avoid passing out. I don't handle blood well and the older I get, the worse it becomes.

When she walks fast, she still shakes her left arm, but now she also holds her right arm back at a 45* angle.

When we were singing in FHE, she was waving her hands wildly like she was leading the music.

She says 'mon for "come on" and always tries to get people to follow her. She'll say, very matter-of-factly, "'mon" and stick her stomach and chest out, put her right arm at the 45* angle and swing her left arm back and forth as she struts away.

When she doesn't obey and I count, she will always wait until I say two, then say three and only after that does she decide to obey.

She is so very stubborn. We have had multiple times that she refuses to eat her dinner, even after she watched everyone eat a treat but her.

She now counts by herself: three! eight!

When we kneel for family prayer, she loves to kneel and fold her little arms just like us. Then, seconds after the prayer begins, she sticks her face up into my arms so her face is just inches from mine and smiles and laughs and waits for me to notice. I haven't gotten sick of it yet, so I laugh every time. That, of course, only eggs her on.

I love it when my children do things that show how amazing their tiny little minds are. I know you can teach kids to do a lot, but sometimes kids do things that you realize you never taught them, they figured it out on their own. Clara has done this plenty, but obviously not Hazel. Until a few weeks ago. On the way home from a birthday party, Clara was counting her watercolors. She got to seven then paused for a moment and Hazel blurted out, "Eight! Nine!" I've never sat and counted with her or made her say numbers with me so it surprised me. I counted to five and paused and she said, "Six!" She wouldn't do it with any other numbers, but that night, I did count to seven and she said eight again on the phone to Jason. The next day she said counted six after I paused on five. I'm sure Clara knew things like that at this age, but because at 19 months she had only about 10 words in her vocabulary, she just couldn't communicate what she was storing in that head of hers.

Hazel says horsey (orsey!), she calls most fruit apples and pretty much everything is said with energy worthy of an exclamation or in a very soft, slow voice. Like when she clumsily rubs my face and says, "soft".

The other day I asked Hazel what she did at my mom's and she said, "Lolly, Danul, Dames". She has also started narrating. She'll say, "run!" when she walks quickly and as I drove quickly around a corner she said, "fast". She gets really excited about things and will say, "funny" with her cheesy little smile. I can't help but stare at her sweet little face as she toddles all over the place and wonder how the human heart is capable of feeling so much love, happiness and joy.

Schedules & Uniforms

With Clara starting school this year, there are definitely changes going on and things we are adjusting to. We have to wake up, get ready and be at school bright and early five days a week. As such, we go to bed as early as possible every night. Until now, our average wake up time has been 8:00am. As of now, however, this is our morning schedule:

6:45am wake up Clara & feed her breakfast (so either I get up before her and make it or prepare something quick {i.e. green smoothies})
7:00am Clara brushes her teeth, gets dressed and combs her hair
7:10am I do Clara's hair
7:15am I take a few pictures (the first day wasn't quite enough)
7:17am Out the door

When I quit working full time after I had Clara, not having to wake up early, be somewhere early in the morning and not having restrictions on when and for how long I can go out of town were definitely the highlights of quitting. (Second to Clara, of course). I felt like with Clara starting school, I was saying bye to my freedom and going back to those dreadful restrictions. However, after four days down, I am kind of enjoying being forced to wake up early. I make breakfast, eat, feed my family, take Clara to school and clean up after breakfast all before 8:15am. On the days I work, I get to my client's at least an hour earlier than before. I haven't quite adjusted so I feel super tired at nights, but I think that will get better with time. It's amazing what I can get done when I wake up early.

On Friday, I told Clara she could stay up late since she told me the worst part of starting school was that she couldn't watch the Olympics any more. After putting Hazel to bed, Jason passed out on the couch (at about 8:30pm...) so Clara and I hung out and watched the Olympics together. I have a feeling this marks the beginning of late night Fridays since we go to bed so early during the week.

Clara's school requires uniforms. I tossed the idea back and forth not knowing for sure how I felt about that. For one, it's not cheaper. It's harder to find a good deal on uniforms and you still have to have clothes for them to change into when they get home and on the days they aren't in school. I was also worried about stifling her creativity because with me as her mother, she needs all the help she can get when it comes to fashion. But in the end I realized I will never have a morning where she fights me on what to wear. We will never spend time changing or trying to decide on what outfit to wear. {I'm pretty sure a certain younger sister of mine would have really benefited from a uniform system in grade school... :)} The choice is easy: skirt, shorts or pants with a red or white shirt. And a major bonus is that she looks absolutely darling and sophisticated. Which is why taking pictures on the first day just wasn't enough...

Day 2

Day 3

When she tried her pants on, she said she looked like a boy. Then she said, "Actually, I look like a worker. A girl worker." The shorts are only slightly better. But the skirt? She couldn't stop smiling or shaking her hips in front of the mirror when we tried it on.

Calm My Troubled Heart: 1st Day of Kindergarten

On Wednesday we woke up early, ate (Clara's request: baked oatmeal), got dressed, did hair and took pictures (obviously). Jason went in to work late so I could take Clara to her first day by myself. As I watched Clara walk to the playground to line up, I gave myself a mental pat on the back for not crying. I smiled at my bravery and stood and took pictures with all the other parents. They walked away towards the classroom and as I turned to walk to my car, the tears came all at once. So much for that pat on the back. I walked quickly to my car thinking Run! before someone notices. I'm glad I only had to wait through the morning to see her sweet face. I'm excited for her to start this new phase in life, but I sure am going to miss her.

Now onto all my thoughts (that probably no one cares about) regarding this day. I haven't kept it a secret that I had major anxiety about Clara starting school. I generally over-think and over-analyze most things, so it's no surprise that I spent more than a fair share of time thinking and analyzing my feelings regarding this quickly approaching phase. As a result, I realized something. Clara is in half-day Kindergarten. It is not that long. Plus, I just pulled out her school calendar and she's in school an average of 18 days a month. That's not bad. Learning this, made me realize her being gone isn't what is bothering me the most. Rather, it's the fact that from now and for, who knows how many years, our life will be dictated by the school calendar. That drives me nuts. I will never forget the freedom I enjoyed when I quit working after Clara was born. I didn't have anyone telling me to be somewhere at a certain time, I didn't have to get approval to go out of town, we pretty much came and went as we pleased. For so long, I was tied down because of school and then work, so I enjoyed every single minutes of my freedom when it came. Now I feel like we are digressing back to that lifestyle. However, after studying the calendar, seeing all the breaks, the weekends, the summer and knowing we can miss 10 days, I'm okay with it. For now. If I decide to home school my children in the future, it will have more to do with a desire to have a flexible schedule than it will have to do with quality of education.

With this new school year I've also had some major heart-to-hearts with myself (what? you don't have constant internal discussions with yourself?). I had a revelation that made me less anxious about Clara growing up. As we've been buying new clothes, school supplies and new shoes and we've all been anticipating the first day of school, I enjoyed thinking back to my school days. I loved the first day of school: new clothes, new teacher, opportunities to learn just waiting for me and of course, the school supplies. Instead of being sad that Clara is growing up, I decided I want her to enjoy and love school, especially the first day of school, just like I did. Then I started thinking about how being a mother has brought me so much joy and happiness and fulfillment and I think seeing my daughters experience that will be just as wonderful, if not more, than experiencing it myself. So while I'm certainly not anxious for my children to grow, I'm accepting that growing up means they will hopefully one day have that same joy, happiness and fulfillment that I have. Elementary school was fun, but being an adult is way better.

Mourning Week 2012

In hopes of starting a new tradition, we had "mourning week" last week as we mourned the end of summer. We planned a week of fun activities that we have never done and/or that we don't get to do often.

Monday: San Tan splash pad with Kathryn and girls (then Clara got to go play with Lucy and Elsa and later went to Gracie's party, double bonus)

While Clara was at the party, we hung out with Angela and Margo. Flower sunglasses, nails painted mint green and cleaning Margo with a wipe made it a successful visit.

Tuesday: Movie night (Debbie and her kids came over and we watched An American Tale)

Wednesday: Jump Street and lunch with Brighton (then Clara got to stay at Brighton's all afternoon to play, bonus) Look at Hazel in the bottom left - this lady was giving her crackers and eventually she tried to go sit in her lap. And in the top left, Hazel was laughing so hard at people through the glass wall. She sure is entertaining to have around.

These girls crack me up. It's too bad they won't be in the same school for at least 7 years. Listening to their conversation made me miss carpooling. Clara said, "Sometimes your mom is immodest. Well, she's modest. But sometimes she's not. Actually, I just figured out that sometimes she's immodest when she exercises. But she just does it because she doesn't want to get hot, not because she's trying to be bad." And also, "My dad is chubby. When he sits, a blob sticks out right here. But when he stands, he gets skinny again." 

Thursday: Sea Life Aquarium

Friday: Peter Piper Pizza (Karen and Dan came, bonus) We had a coupon for free tokens and they gave Clara one big token to get the 10 smaller ones. She thought putting in one token and getting 10 was the coolest thing ever. Hello, Vegas. Just kidding.

Saturday: Back to school feast. Fortunately for me, Rachel posted this cute little sign the week before our feast. I decided it as the perfect theme for Kindergarten and trumped the other ideas I had floating around. Per Clara's choice, we had grilled salmon (that was amazing), grilled potatoes and steamed green beans. She also wanted flowers. The flowers turned the water pink and Hazel has been calling it juice all week.

It was a fun week and got us ready for a more structured schedule that is going to start each day way too early for my liking.

Snowflake

We went up to Snowflake for the Pioneer celebrations. Jason and I took off Friday but didn't leave until almost 3:00pm. Whoops. We stayed at Michelle's and enjoyed family, fireworks, late nights, the parade, friends, the rodeo, stormy weather and relaxing. We had a lot of fun and made memories that seem possibly only in small towns. Of course I took way too many pictures and don't have near enough time to post them individually or talk about the memories associate with each. I'll point out some highlights but you'll have to use your imagination on the rest.

Saturday morning (breakfast at Dave's, parade, funny floats, too much candy, seeing friends, over-priced cotton candy)

Saturday day (pizza at Scott's, snow cones, big, beautiful lawns, stormy weather, porch sitting, trampoline, lovely weather, pears fresh from the tree)

Saturday night (Clara's first rodeo, fireworks, laughing at Gracie's facial expressions, laughing at the kids at the rodeo {there were so many of them!}, laughing at my rodeo shoes)

Sunday (church with Jason's parents, potato guns, visiting, picture of 12/13 grandkids, {Jason's} grandma Penrod)

I've been trying to capture this face for months...

Little Miss Beualah is 95. She was born in 1917. Can you imagine the changes she's seen in her lifetime? Beyond the wild fact that she's been around for nearly a century, think specifically of the last century. She said the most outrageous changes she's seen have been regarding phones. When she was young, they didn't even have a phone. Fast forward 95 years where we have smart phones that can make phone calls and look on the internet almost anywhere you go. I wish we lived closer so I could talk to her more about the changes she's seen in her life. And just to keep her company. That's gotta be hard when your body gets old, yet your mind is still so healthy. While she didn't hide the fact that she wouldn't mind moving on to that next phase, she's still witty and pleasant to be around.

Where there's old people, there's likely a few treasures lying around. Look at her treadmill and stationary bike from the 70's. Also the quilt Connie made her with a block displaying each of her son's hand prints and a block that they made themselves telling a bit about them. As you can see, Jason's interests haven't changed much in 20-25 years. Still loves hunting, sports and Michael Jordan.

Sunday evening (dinner at Aunt Jana's, storm watching {the sky was amazing!}, capturing one of the many lighting strikes despite skepticism from others, traveling home {Hazel was asleep approximately 2 minutes after we left})

A Little Bit of Everything

Posts like this make me want a smart phone so I can share pictures and thoughts instantly, instead of letting them get backlogged on my phone/camera until I finally take the time to dump them into a post. But you all know money speaks loud and clear to me and I just can't accept the cost (as of today - it could change tomorrow).

Clara had to take an assessment test for her school. Hazel and I just hung out and waited. We're gonna have fun during our one-on-one time once school starts.

I know I already talked about the storms, but look at this retention basin turned lake. For the locals, it's on Greenfield and the 60. It was full.

Hazel usually wakes up after Clara. On mornings she doesn't, I bring her into my bed and visit with her to try to keep her from waking up Clara for as long as possible.

It doesn't last long, Clara is usually up soon after.

I do not like my porcelain sink. I didn't realize how much I liked my stainless steel sink until we moved and I inherited the white porcelain. Everything stains it and it gets dirty and grungy looking so easily. Most recently, blueberries.

Hazel is such a curious little kid. Clara was curious, but with one, it's easier to keep things under control. One thing Hazel loves is dental floss. Lots and lots of dental floss.

One of my eggs had two yokes. I showed Clara the "twins" and said if Kathryn were an egg, that would have been her. She corrected me and said, "Actually, if Lucy and Elsa were an egg, that would have been them." Clara wanted to know if it could have been twin chickens... and I said something about no because they weren't fertilized... and she asked what that mean... and I changed the subject really, really fast.

In a moment of weakness, I bought some Captain Crunch. We try to limit our sugar highs for special occasions  Sometimes a special occasion is getting out of bed.

I gave my other couch cushion a trim. Debbie cut one and it took me months to do the other.

I love that she loves books as much as Clara.

I bought lard for the first time in my life. It stinks. But the tortillas I made with it were delicious.

Pictures like this make Clara look so grown up! She's such a beautiful little girl.

I took this picture to remind me of a funny story. I left some OJ defrosting on the counter. We drank it and went on with our day. Later, as I was preparing dinner, I realized there was a hole in the bag and the OJ had dripped down under my cupboard (I think the seal around the stove must be bad) and nearly every pot and pan had sticky OJ on it, so I had to wash all the dishes and then scrub the cupboard.

One night at my mom's, Hazel kept walking back and forth from the living room to the family rook with her head tiled up like she was doing the limbo. We were all laughing and she'd fake laugh and keep doing it.

In between the storms and the sunshine, we have some very pretty skies.

I love how my tile looks and feels after it's freshly mopped (which is next to never).

Hazel wastes no time destroying things.

That look.

Lucky me.

"That's when I was a fairy" - I'm happy to report Clara's imagination is still in full force. All the time.

"Cheese!"

One afternoon I was trying desperately to think of something Clara could do for entertainment. I remembered I had a few marshmallows and gave her those with toothpicks to make a design. One thing led to another and before she was done, I got out the big peppermint marshmallows and she got some candy and made boat looking "desserts" with random candy. It kept her busy for a good 60-75 minutes.

Beka and her boys came over one morning and I was way too focused on Beka and didn't notice that Hazel, who was sitting by Beka, was applying Clara's makeup liberally to her face. As always, she was extremely proud of herself for getting into such mischief.

Clara loves babies. She's going to be a good mom someday. (Sawyer on the left, Margo on the right).

Who says olives are the only edible finger toppers?

One night we went shopping at San Tan as a family. Family dates always make me happy and leave me feeling grateful for my little family.

What? It's under 100* out? Let's go on a walk.